JESS - posted on 09/01/2011 ( 10 moms have responded )
I have a 16 yr old son who is forever lying on me to my family portraying his life as horrible and saying that myself and my partner are mean to him and now my own mother won't even speak to me! For four years we lived with my parents, myself and my two sons 16 & 13, while I went back to college. I graduated in May and we moved in with my gf and she has 3 daughters, 19 17 & 11, two of which live with us. She and I had been seeing each other for 6 months prior to us moving in and I asked both of my sons before hand how they felt about it and they welcomed it with open arms. NOW, my oldest is going behind my back telling my mother horror stories and she won't have anything to do with me. He even goes to the girls and tells them fake stuff about his life to sound sad and down and out to get attention and sympathy....they don't fall for it.
The whole 4 yrs that we lived with my parents, he wouldn't pick up after himself, his grades fell from A's to D's & F's, he snuck food CONSTANTLY, bullied my other son horribly and still does, lied over every little thing, was lazy, a little disrespectful but not horribly, called my mother & father horrible names to whomever would listen and portrayed life in their home as less than happy and told people that they were horrible people! He would tell me at least once a week, "mom, please can you hurry and graduate because they're so mean and we hate it here"! He has a problem with every teacher that doesn't fall for his lies. He had problems with the preacher and the youth pastor of the last church we attended.
My mother is believing all of his lies....some of it is him going to her and some of it is her prompting him....and seems to forget putting him against a wall, threatening to put him out of the house on numerous occassions and saying things such as "and if your mom doesn't like it she can go to"! She seems to be drawing a blank about all of the lies and deceit and turmoil he told and caused during the 4 yrs of us living with them. Now she believes everything he says and won't even hear my side! And she tells him stuff like, "you just let Nana know if it gets too much and you can just come live with us". So now he REALLY doesn't pick up after himself and acts a fool bc he THINKS he has an out....he would need to know that he is MY son not hers and that's that!
Now, another part of the story is that NOTHING I've done in 39 yrs of life has been good enough for my mother. She had me when she was 16. I've always been lazy, sorry, and anything else she could call me to anyone that would listen. She's NEVER liked anyone I've ever been with or any of my friends. I have accomplished many things in my life and I recently graduated from Respiratory Therapy school. She is one of those that when she "suggests" you do something she's really saying you MUST DO it that way and if you don't she gets very upset. She's a control freak. The whole 4 years my sons and I lived with them she took every opportunity to undermind my authority as a parent. My sister is petite, straight, listens to almost every word my mother says and has always been the "perfect child". I've always been the chunkier lesbian, didn't come out until I was 24, and everything I've ever done was wrong. Don't get me wrong....if my sis ever goes against her she doesn't talk to her until my sis comes crawling back either. She put me out SEVERAL times as a child and teenager and I had to live with my grandmother and 9 times out of 10 my grandmother would tell her about herself and the way she treated me.
My partner and I have a schedule for each day of the week for all of the kids including homework time, free time, shower schedules, and chores. The ONLY chores any of them have are....clean up after yourself, clean your spot where you eat, put placemat back, push chair in and place dishes in dishwasher. And before you go to bed place the cup that you have used in the dishwasher, and keep rooms clean and do well in school. We had to place a lock on our fridge....but believe me they get three good meals a day and snacks....because btwn the two of us we have 5 teenagers, and while he was the MAIN ONE sneaking food the others would from time to time also.
My mother now hates my partner, whom she LOVED before he started telling horror stories, and my family nor my mother want anything to do with me anymore either and say that "I"m choosing my partner over my kids and family". That's not at all the case. She won't even give me the opportunity to defend myself against the lies, but as I stated this isn't my first rodeo with her. It's been 5-6 weeks since my mother and I last talked and even though she won't discuss any of these horror stories with me....bc she says that would break her confidence with my son and everyone should have someone to talk to......she is discussing them with my family members and all of her friends.
What do I do? He denies saying anything to her when I ask him about it. I know he has though and because of all of his lies, manipulations, laziness, lack of conscious, blatant disregard for anyone else's feelings, bullying and everything else I can't stand to be around him. I don't wanna feel that way as a mother. I just want the lies to stop and for my mother to be an "adult" and come to me and let me have my say before she forms her opinion and cuts me off!