My 16 yr old sons girfriend is pregnant, SHE wants an abortion, HE wants to raise it...HELP

[deleted account] ( 38 moms have responded )

My 16 yr old son's girlfriend is pregnant. She will be 15 in Dec. She is 5 weeks pregnant. Her mom was upset, but has an open mind like me with regards to teenage pregnancy. We know ultimately it is her decision, but she wants an abortion. We've (myself, her mother and my son) discussed all options, from joint custody, to my son raising it (with my help) on his own if she didn't want anything to do with it. My son feels like his heart is being ripped out. My family doesn't believe in abortion, Her own mother had 2 abortions and told her about the guilt she's lived with her entire life from having the abortions. This baby IS wanted and will be loved cared for. Even her own mother wants this baby in her life.

SHE STILL wants an abortion!!! Now she is asking me to give her the money for the abortion, and she needs it upfront by Saturday. She tells me her mom will pay me back. I can't pay for something I don't believe in. I don't want to force her to have this baby, but her only concern was "I don't want to get all FAT!!!" and "I don't want the kids at school to call me a whore". We've given her options around that too, but she just doesn't want it. How can I help myself and my son especially understand this. And yes he is the father, but I don't think he should have to pay for an abortion when it's NOT what he wants. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

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Wendy - posted on 11/14/2011

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i disagree its her body and her choice in my opinion....her choice alone....

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/02/2011

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Triad, i know it hurts...but you do not have to be so damming to her. And, she DID take responsiblity. She knew what she wanted, and knew what she could handle. Making the decision to have an abortion is very difficult and emotional. She felt she did the right thing for her and the unborn baby. So, at this point, you can continue hating her, or start healing. Hate is an ugly thing, and can be all consuming. Remember....your son MAY marry her in the future,...she may end up being the one to give you grandchildren in the future. When BOTH children are not children anymore, and BOTH are ready for a lifelong commitment to each other and a baby.

Wendy - posted on 11/15/2011

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the girl sounds determind to end this pregnancy i guess she knows what she wants.......thank goodness for your dad...he is a smart guy and compassionate

Wendy - posted on 11/14/2011

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be shocked all you like as far as im concerened its her choice...abviously she does not want this child and worrying about getting fat just shows the maturity of this girl..........if she were mine she would have the abortion if thats what she wanted....and if it was my sons girlfriend yep i would give her the damm money.....its her life and future were talking about here....a mistake at 15 she should not have to pay forever for ........i speek from experiance in more than one way

Lynn - posted on 12/09/2011

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It sounds like your son's GF did what she she knew was the right thing for her and her future. She knew she wasn't ready to have a child, even if she wouldn't be the one raising it. Your son is so young, it really is better for him, too, so he can focus on being a teenager right now, and be a parent when he's ready, and can handle a job and parenting responsibilities. I think Wendy is absolutely right that ultimately it's the girl's decision.

If your son didn't want the child and she did, he still doesn't have the right to make her do something she doesn't want to.

I got pregnant at 18 years old, and had an abortion. I can't tell you how grateful I am that even though it was a hard decision, I did the right thing, and never, not once have ever doubted that or regretted it. If you know you're doing what's right, you don't feel guilty about it. I'm very glad that I waited until I was married and older to have my two beautiful, wonderful children. They know I WANTED them and I waited until I could take care of them the way children deserve to be loved. I was too young to financially raise a child, and far too immature to raise a child with the love and patience they deserve. If they ever are pregnant/father to a pregnant teenager, I would absolutely try to get them to wait and have a child when they are ready.

I hope that as time goes on, that you realize this girl made the right choice, for her family and yours. I hope you can start feeling some gratitude that she saved your son from a lifetime of caring for a child he wasn't ready for. I hope you also have some very serious talks with your son about making sure this doesn't happen again!!!!!!

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Carol - posted on 12/02/2011

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hi ive have been in the same position my was pregnant girlfriend it was her choice to keep or not my son wanted to keep the baby but new was up to her what she wanted to do she ended up haveing an abortion my son payed for whit he said was the right thing to do as the man .....they are no longer together but relised that it was the best for an unborn baby i dont think anyone under 18 isnt realy old enought to have a child i dont agree with abortions bu sometimes it is ment to be

Cathy - posted on 12/01/2011

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As an adult adoptee AND an adoptive parent, I say get her to someone who she can consult with that has NO personal, emotional ties. Emotions are flying HIGH between the two families. She is still a baby herself, and at a very tender age, when what her peers say and think of her are the MOST important thing to her....she WILL outgrow that, but SHE can't see that now. Because she can't see it now, it's up to the adults in her life to GUIDE her. My child's biological mother was 17 when she concieved my son, and because her mother was firm and led her to different places to talk to different people, THANK GOD she made the decision (with her parents support) to carry him to term and terminate her parental rights, we now have the son we could never have had. There is a REASON she is pregnant......maybe it's to help a loving family HAVE a child. I always say, our son didn't grow in my womb, but he DID grow in our hearts. ADOPTION RULES!!!!

[deleted account]

I wish it had been a happy ending for all involved. But in the end, my grandchild was aborted. She took the abortion pill. I think in cases like this, and this is based on my experience, I believe the father should have some say in what happens. Laws need to change to give father's rights! I don't care if she is a teenager. If you want to act like an adult and do "adult" things (ie have sex) then you should have to take full responsibility for your action and be held accountable. They BOTH were aware of the consequences of their actions, but she got the easy way out because it's "her body". It may have been "her" body but it was my SON's child she killed. I hate to sound cruel because I'm not a cruel person by any means, but I hope she is haunted by this experience for the rest of her life. I HOPE everytime she sees a baby she'll think back to this time and I HOPE she will have regrets or at least show some remorse for what she did.

My son is still seeing her, says he loves her, and is giving her a promise ring. I personally don't see how he could continue seeing her, but I've always told my son to follow his heart, and that's what he's doing. She is on birth control now, not by choice but as a requirement of the abortion clinic. I only hope they BOTH learned something from this and that it never happens again.

I also wanted to say thank you ALL for the responses, the thoughts and prayers :)

Jean - posted on 12/01/2011

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Don't be forced into paying for something you don't believe in. Honestly, she took on the responsibility of possibly getting pregnant when your son and her had intercourse. She's now paying the consequence by going towards childbirth. If she is more worried about her apperance at school, she doesn't deserve this child. Your son is willing to take care of this baby, I would just tell her to have it, and if she refuses to take care of it, just let your son have the baby. It's one of the two things. 1. You give her the money and she aborts your GRANDCHILD, or 2. You tell her to keep that precious baby, and you keep your grandchild and she finally learns responsibility!! If it was me in this situation, I'd tell her she's keeping your grandchild, you don't believe in abortion, and if she honestly doesn't want to take care of the baby after delivery, you and your son can. But if your son takes full rights of the baby, I'd still make her help take care of that child since she doesn't want a responsibility and she's too worried about how she will look in SCHOOL! Personally, if she knew what was gonna happen and her appearance would change, I woulda kept my legs together.

Carlie - posted on 11/30/2011

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Don't give her the money. Go with your intuition. I know your son can get a paternity test to confirm him as the unborn baby's father. I'm not sure if you can take that to a court or not. I don't know your state's laws and policies governing such a s case. It might be something you can look into, should your son decide to accept and assume ALL responsibility for the baby's care upon birth and after. The mother would have to give up ALL parental rights I believe. If not, I believe she would be allowed to do as she wishes. I applaud your son's commitment to be mature enough to accept what will certainly be a hardship for his age-but also a joy-and a gift. :) It should also be noted that it's great he has the support of you all. He will need it. Regardless of the outcome, continue to support your son. He will need it. I hope you get the answer you seek. :)

Jean - posted on 11/30/2011

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If you are like me and do not believe in abortion tell her to have the baby....give it to your son...tell her that it is a life now and she will be killing her first born child......she can still go to school and have the baby.....my daughter finished highschool and had her baby.......it is not a disgrace to carry the baby to full term.....there are other options out there from adoption......to being raised by the baby's father......you dont need to be supplying her with money for the abortion.....if she didnt want to get pregnant then she should of taken precautions also.......but teens do make mistakes.......and then need to live with the consequences.........

Shemita - posted on 11/26/2011

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This is a sad situation. But at the end everyone looses. I believe in the right to choose but the guys rights seems to get overlooked everytime. I feel really bad for what happened to your son. But let him know he is still young and he has his whole life ahead of him to have all the kids he desire.

Paula - posted on 11/26/2011

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Is she on birth control now and does he know how to use a condom? and are they still together?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/22/2011

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I am so sorry, Triad. You were on my mind all weekend...I don't log on during the weekends, too much at home going on.

If you need to vent, or just talk, pm me. You and your son are in my prayers. I hope that he'll be able to pull through this, and that he'll find a more mature young lady...

[deleted account]

I am so so very sorry. I know no words can make you feel better. Hopefully knowing others out here are here for you help. I hope your son is able to deal w/this, I wish u both best wishes and good luck, {{hugs}}

[deleted account]

I'm doing ok. It's been a tough weekend. She did go through with it. They gave her the abortion pill. I'm putting my Christmas tree up this week and will be going to Hallmark for a "special" ornament in memory of my first grand child, Thank you Shawn for checking on me. :)

[deleted account]

My daughters best friend got pregnant at 16, and she wanted to raise the baby! Her MOTHER said NO!! It will ruin ur life etc.. Her mom threatened to take away her cell phone and car if she didn't get an abortion! This girl talked to her dad and was going to stay with other family until the baby was born etc.. again the mom refused. Her mom told her she has had 3 abortions and it was the best thing she ever did! When my daughters friend went to the clinic, they didn't prepare her for ANYTHING! They turned the sound off on the sonogram machine & told her 7 weeks was too soon to hear a heart beat! They gave her some kind of pills to take and it brought on her cycle and they did no counseling on what would happen(when the baby was aborted) and what she would go thru during this time!. This girl has problems now, she has a hard time around babies and has bad dreams about this . Sad to say she even just dates "all kinds of men" cause why bother.. I feel so bad for her..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/15/2011

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Triad, you and your son are in my prayers. I cannot believe that your father would go against his grandson's wishes. I have my prayers in, that on Thursday she will realize that it is not just her life that is being affected, but that of the baby, your son, yourself and her mother. I'm sorry to have to say this, but what a selfish little brat.

From the sounds of it, your son was fully prepared for the consequences of unprotected sex, and has stepped up in the most admirable manner. In my opinion, he is FAR more prepared to be an adult and deal with this in an adult manner than she is, since she's the one taking what she thinks will be the easy way out. She's obviously a self centered, disrespectful child, if she will not even take her mother's experience into consideration.

Prayers and hugs, my dear!

Denikka - posted on 11/15/2011

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I'm sorry about this end result. I wish there was another option. Unfortunately, fathers only have the rights that the mothers give them.
I still believe that men need to find a way to have more options available to them, same as the woman. In a situation like this, maybe a false uterus to bring the baby to term should be an option. Maybe one day technology will catch up and people will just be better all around. One can hope.
It was a bad choice for all involved. To have sex, with or without protection. The end result is life altering, whether a full term pregnancy and a baby results, or whether the pregnancy is terminated.
I will stand up and fight with the rest of them for a woman's right to choose. It just makes me sick that a man has no rights or options in the same regard.

You need to be there for your son now. Be as supportive as you can be. You're both going to grieve. It's a loss as real as any other. Allow yourself the time, and you should both find someone to talk to. There are going to be a lot of negative feelings.
I would also suggest that your son stay away from this girl after it's all said and done. He's going to be angry. He's going to be hurt. And he's going to resent her for everything she's taken away from him. I wouldn't want a bad situation to end up any worse, whether that be harsh words that shouldn't be spoken, or something more serious.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/15/2011

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Ok, Triad. I see why you are so upset about this and how difficult it is. But here is the thing, it is her body and as upset as you and your son are, it is her final choice. I know you said that she now has the money, but you have no responsibility to pay for it, especially if you disagree with it. But, for your sons sake, you need to stop...step back, and show your son the support he needs to get through this in one piece. The more you are upset and ranting about it, the more upset and the more he thinks about it. What good is that going to do him?



It is better that she has the abortion safely in a clinic with proper surgical equipment, rather than her trying to kill the baby in utero herself. Really, take a breath and start making peace with this. She still has time to think about it, but back off. You paying her off, and laying every guilt trip in the book on the young lady is not helping her to make the decision that is right for her. SHE is going to have to live with this....so will you....but you will be in mourning....she will be dealing with it on terms you will never understand.



Edited to add* Sorry to say this and throw it back in your face but "We've (myself, her mother and my son) discussed all options, from joint custody, to my son raising it (with my help) on his own if she didn't want anything to do with it. My son feels like his heart is being ripped out. My family doesn't believe in abortion"



If this is the case, and your son does not believe in abortion....he had to know this could be the end result of having sex with someone. He does not sound stupid, but he made a stupid choice when he was not ready for the adult consequences. He will think twice before he has sex again, especially without protection.

[deleted account]

I did find a place that can help with counseling and even an ultrasound where my son can be present (all these services are free). They can work her in this thursday (her and her mother as well as my son and I are welcome). But then just a few minutes ago I find out that my own father gave the girl the $315 for the abortion. So my son's baby, my First grand child will be murdered Saturday morning.

Denikka - posted on 11/15/2011

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Be SUPER careful about offering her money. That can come back to bite you. It may end up looking like your trying to *buy* the baby, and that can have serious consequences (aka JAIL time). Go through a lawyer, if it comes to that, and make sure everything is on the up and up and cross all your T's and dot your I's.

[deleted account]

I have been on the phone all day (even while at work) contacting places like NC Right to Life, various attorneys and anyone who might be able to help. I'm still coming up empty handed. The clinic where she is scheduled to have the abortion THIS Saturday won't even permit my son to see the baby on ultrasound. I only HOPE and PRAY that her mom can't come up with the money to give me some more time. And Shawnn Thank you!! I've done the best I can for my son and taught him that doing the right thing isn't always easy, but it is the best thing to do. That's with every aspect in life, not just an unplanned pregnancy. I love my son and respect his decision and support him 100% and then some!! I am off work next week and IF she doesn't have the abortion this coming Saturday, I hope to have time to take her and her mother, along with my son to get help or at least an ultrasound so my son can see his baby. Praying for a miracle!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/15/2011

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Triad, you are not sounding crazy at all. That baby has every right to a life. Your son has obviously thought this through, and was obviously prepared for any consequence that his actions may have. That in itself is wonderful. He is a very well raised young MAN.

If she does go through with it, you may want to set up some counseling for him. He's going to need it. I still say that you need to be proactive, keep pushing that SHE is not the only person involved in this, and see if your son has ANY rights to say no to an abortion, and have it stick.

[deleted account]

I want to Thank ALL of you for your thoughts! My son's gf mom hasn't called me back to find out what's going on. She has to have the $315 upfront this Saturday morning or they won't do the abortion. But IF somehow she does get the money (NOT from me) my son says he at least wants to be there to see his baby on an ultrasound. He told me in tears that he knows its gonna kill him knowing what's going to happen to his baby next, but he wants to see his baby and see it's heart beating. This is not only breaking HIS heart, but mine too. We aren't asking her to raise the baby that she knows she's not ready for. ALL we are asking is for her to carry the baby to full term so it can LIVE!!! My son knows how hard it will be, but he's a strong young man. He has dreams of going into law enforcement. He's already a Jr. Police officer. BUT he IS standing up to be a man and will do right by his child. He just wants his baby to LIVE.... I don't think that's asking a lot. I'm to the point now I am prepared to offer this girl $5,000 (which is a lot for me to come up with, but to have my grandchild ALIVE I'll do what it takes) IF she would just deliver the baby to term and let my son be the dad HE wants to be. I know I am probably starting to sound crazy and almost desperate, but I believe my son's child has a right to live. Again Thank you all for helping with your opinions/advice. God Bless you all, please pray that she makes the right decision.

Katherine - posted on 11/14/2011

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I 100% agree wth Shawnn.



I have 3 daughters, if they choose to have sex and get pregnant without protection then they will raise that baby. the baby- living innocent baby didnt ask for it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/14/2011

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Nope, takes TWO to tango, so TWO get to make the decision. Like I said, if she didn't want to get pregnant, she should have thought about that BEFORE having sex, not after. And, he's stepping up responsibly, and wants to raise HIS child. Just because it's HER body, she doesn't have the right to kill HIS child. Forget about the "it's her body" argument. It stopped being her decision when the young man in question said "I want to raise my child".

Katherine - posted on 11/14/2011

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i dont agree with Wendy! It took 2 willing teens to make the choie to have sex and create this baby. INNOCENT BABY. She should have to discuss this with the boy and go from there. SHe in my opinion has NO right to end a pregnancy because of her stupidity.
Triad, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. My Dad went through this exact thing when my sister got pregnant. SHe wanted to end it and the boyfriend wanted to keep it. She kept it becasue my dad told her she will not kill an innocent baby because she acted irrisponsibly. Good luck.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/14/2011

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Wendy, it's not only HER life. It's her boyfriend's (who WANTS to be a father, and is willing to raise this baby without her), it's the unborn child's life as well. The point is, she wanted to act like an adult and have sex, now she needs to have the maturity to understand that even though SHE is the one who's going through the discomfort, there is more than one person concerned. I agree that her maturity level isn't there to be a parent, but the least she could do is live with the results of her decision long enough to give the man who wants to take full responsibility the opportunity to raise his child. She doesn't need to do another thing beyond that, but she should do that. That way, she'll know what it feels like, and maybe think about jumping into bed unprotected next time.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/14/2011

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PS>>>I wouldn't give her the money for any procedure. You can't approve it for her anyway. Tell her mom that she's asking and has the procedure scheduled for Saturday...see what mom says, but still call a lawyer.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/14/2011

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I agree with Denikka. Get the scoop on what your son's rights are. If her mom, you, and he are all against the abortion, and you live in the US, she will not be able to get one without parental consent, unless she goes the shady route. Which, if I were her mother, I'd spend every single minute with her from now until the baby is born to assure that she won't kill herself with an illegal procedure.

However, yes, it's her body, but your son DOES have a say. Especially since they are both minors. Call a lawyer, and find out. She isn't going to be a great mom anyway, if all she's concerned about is getting fat or being called a whore...she shoulda thought that out before she consented to have sex with your son. At least HE has his head on straight! You've obviously done well raising him. And, I'd bet her mom raised her right, as well, if mom is against an abortion.

The three of you need to stick together on this. Best of luck

Denikka - posted on 11/14/2011

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It is not her mothers responsibility to pay for it either. It is, in all technicality, between her and your son. They are the ones who made the decision and they are the ones responsible for the outcome. And that means that they are responsible for doing what is necessary to get the outcome that they desire.

If they were BOTH set on having the abortion, then I would say that they would have every right to ask you for the money. But because you AND your son are completely opposed to it, no way. It is up to her/her and her mother to come up with the finances required. Just like it would be up to you/you and your son to come up with the finances required if she decided to keep the baby and go for child support.

If she threatens suicide, you can get the authorities involved. She is then not only a danger to herself, but to her unborn baby as well.

Most importantly, I would look into the fathers right on this though. Find out what he can do. If she threatens suicide, you may be able to declare her incapable of making proper medical decisions. I don't necessarily agree with that, since it takes away her choice, but I also don't agree with her terminating a pregnancy that is wanted by the father because I know what it can do to a person.....such a hard thing to go through....

[deleted account]

Thanks Denikka. I know her mom doesn't have the money for the abortion. What I'm afraid of when she finds out she can't have the abortion because her mom doesn't have the money and I'm not paying for it.... I'm afraid her NEXT tantrum will be a verbal suicide threat. I don't want things to get ugly. I just want my son's baby (my first grand baby) to have a chance at life.

Denikka - posted on 11/14/2011

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This is THE most difficult thing. It's one of those things about where her rights and his rights overlap. Were it me, I would finish the pregnancy and hand over my rights.

My mother did exactly this to her ex. She was a bit older though. She got pregnant, didn't tell him, and got an abortion. He found out later, secondhand. She was even far enough along to know the gender. It was a boy.
Finding this out, KILLED the guy. Absolutely tore him apart. He'd been told that he could never have kids, and he was definitely the father to this one. He had wanted children SOOO badly. He ended up going down a pretty dark path after that, and I actually don't know what ended up happening to him. I'm supposed to have an older brother (I'm the oldest living child) and I don't think I can forgive my mom for it either.

The only thing I can suggest is do NOT pay for it, and call a lawyer. Find out if the father has any rights. It's very hard to make a call here, but either way, you are trampling all over someone else's rights. Someone is going to be unhappy, devastated and resentful at the end of all of this.

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