My 17 year old daughter just up and left home not sure how to deal

Bridget - posted on 03/20/2013

Two years ago my 14 1/2 year old went to her fathers house for visitation and decided she no longer wanted to live with me and cut off all ties. I cried, begged,did not sleep and considered suicide at one point. The only thing that stopped me was that if she did come back I would be dead and unable to hear, hold or hug her. I made the mistake of trying to communicate with her father to get back with her but this did not work. I raised her as a single parent her entire life and still 2 years later cannot deal with the fact that my little girl is gone.I lost her to gangs, ghetto life style and unfortunately eventhough we have seen each other over the past few months, her father has now gone to public aide to request child support, I have filed for bankruptcy, depressed all the time becaue I miss her. My entire life has fallen aprat ever since she left me. She is disrespectful and her dad does nothing to help he could care less and I think hes happy she is ruining her life in spite of me. Things for a short time were going good ( Nove 22 2012 to February 23 , I have not seen her since then, and then since she found out she is going to get child support 2/28 she has changed completely towards me - wont answer the phone or text messages, no calls, doesnt even call to let me know how she is doing. I am lost without her she is my only child and she is a junior in hs, my family wants nothing to do with her because what she has done to me.They avopid talking to me because they dont want to talk about her with me or hear my problems. When she does answer a call she will tell me " if u are going to start I'm going to click on you." she has hung up the phone on me and weeks have gone by now and no word from her. How does a child that at one point loved you so much suddenly hates you and want nothing to do with you I gave her everything and when she left she took only the clothes on her back . I talk to a friend at work and she tries to get me to be strong. But when you changed your entire life and devoted yourself to being a parent, worked long hours and had to be strict because you were on your own where did I go wrong? she admitted to me she left because she wanted freedom, this i can deal with but don't you think about me, miss me, need me - I am you mom and always will be . I try every day to think positively but its hard. she is not taken care of the way she should be , her grades are bad now, and Im even amwazed she is still in school. Lost without my daughter and daily losing hope. Thank you for letting me share my story I hope no one feels the pain I do EVER!

Ileiry - posted on 03/04/2013

Hello I just wanted to take the time to write about my expirience. I am currentl 24 I was kicked out by my mom when I was eighteen because I wanted to be out with my boyfriend at all hours of the night and I thought I was grown and knew what I was doing. I left with my boyfriend and thought I knew him well but it turned out I did not. I went to pick up my things the next day. I married him that same year and a year later I got pregnant. He than started doing things that he didnt do before for example leaving and not coming home till three oclock in the morning drunk and this was while I was pregnant. I confronted him several times and the altercations got worse he once pushed me to the floor while I was pregnant and I than threatened to call the police and immigration on him since he was illegally here in the united states he never touched me again but things just got worse. I was pregnant and working a forty hour job to get bye because althought he supposately worked he never had money and always had an excuse as to why he didnt have money. He went to jail several times and always had an excuse as to that as well and I always ended up bailing him out until one day I didnt and than he asked my aunt for money which I also had to pay back. I than had a baby boy who was born with spinabifida because he needed surgery and onehundred percent of my attention I had to quit my job and ended moving out of my apartment with him to live with other people because it was the only thing I could afford I was paying all our bills with my sons SSI because I couldnt work. To make the story short he became a drug addict spent his check and stole our sons SSI money and any valuable belongings we had in the house I went into a deep depression and abandoned myself completely although I always took care of my son. I was so poor we didnt have a washing machine were we lived and I couldnt afford to wash clothes at the laundromat so I washed me and my sons clothes by hand in the bath tub. I didnt have a vehicle or a driver liscense and had to walk to the grocery store and hour to go and than an hour to come back with my son in a stroller. I than decided to do something for myself and started going to school online. I couldnt stay with him any longer because he was using cocaine and abusing alcohol and it got to the point were he had halusinations and threatened to kill the dog that he had brought home with the knife in my face and at that point my son rarely had diapers and was lacking many things as well as I was. I was scared of him so I called my mom crying and asked her to please take my son and me in and finaly told her what was happening cause she had no idea. I learned things the hard way. My son is now five I earned my associated degree in medical office management and have an excellent husband who fortunately is very caring of me and our son. Having come from this situasion although it hurt my mom very badly but my advice is to let her learn on her own because she wont know how good she had it until she faces situasions on her own. Now youre not there to buy her essentials or provide food or shelter and well go to the police station and notify them of what happened maybe they can help. Good luck.

ETA - posted on 11/27/2012

My 18 year old daughter left and moved out. It feels like my heart is ripped out of my chest. Being a single mom we had to go thorugh a lot to survive and now I just don't know how to pick up my life.

The question is do I still support her financially or should she learn the hard way and actually go out and work. She is attending college right now but her workload is really light. She could work.

My son is away as well attending university. I simply cannot finance three households.

I am very hurt and don't know how to handle the upcoming holidays either.

I welcome all the advise from the moms already gone through this.

thanks

LMozo - posted on 08/16/2012

All I can say is Thank God for all of you here. I appreciate everyone's honesty more than you can know. I have two daughters, one 25 and the other 17. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and have busted our tails raising these two girls--they have been our world. Our 25 year old has problems of her own, but let's just say she has been very instrumental in the event I am going to tell you about. After many years of just plain being wild and being sweet some times but verbally disrespectful most of the time, cursing, calling us names, etc. my 17 year old wanted to move in with her 19 year old boyfriend (they broke up that day). I said a few turse words about this and we ended up having a physical altercation. She stated she was going to beat my *ss and she did just that. It was more horrible than you can imagine, but I won't talk about my physical injuries. Mind you, I am 230 pounds, 51 years old and move really slow. She was not injured and I was pounded (she being 5'10" and me 5'5"). That day, she called her big sister to help her move out with the vehicle we "gave" our 17 year old. We paid the insurance, very nice vehicle, gave her money for gas, etc. Since the title was still in our name, and we had a feeling she would be BUCK WILD, we decided that night to go get the vehicle from our oldest daughters house. From that moment on, our 17 year old has been drinking, partying, and hating us like the plague---mooching off friends and not living with her big sister. She will still answer a text with a one or two word answer, but here whereabouts has been a "secret" and she won't talk to us about her life at all. Her big sister told us that she secured a dorm room, meal plan and first semester classes for her little sister but that she didn't want to be a part of this "drama" any longer (drama that she caused by moving her little sister out). At any rate, this entire situation sent me into therapy and I have been told that I have spoiled my 17 year old. Yeah, okay, guilty as charged. We are nice middle class people who want our children's success. I feel I will never see my 17 year old again. She has very wealthy friends that she hangs with so need won't bring her home. I don't miss the disrespect etc. But I miss the possibilities of having her in my life but I want a functional relationship, not a 17 yr old/parent relationship. If she hadn't moved out, we would have been able to patch things up and she would still be in the dorm at college as planned. But like it stands, I really am not very hopeful. I have felt so alone in this event, and thank you all again for just being here. I always thought I was a strong person, manage over 25 people, married 30 years, loss of many friends and family members. However, this event has really hurt. I hope to log on again and tell you all that we have worked things out. To all of you out there who are suffering like we all seem to be, I will continue to pray for you and us and that we all have good outcomes!

Kimberly - posted on 06/15/2012

What do you do when that 18 year old moves out with a car half in your name/half in hers. Do you keep the car and make her deal with it or do you let her have it and hope she gets a job in time to make the payments? Im ready to let her stand on her own, but I am afraid that by her moving in with her boyfriend's family, she will not stand, but fall when the relationship breaks up. Then she will be too proud to come back home. What should I do?

Kimberly - posted on 06/15/2012

What do you do when that 18 year old moves out with a car half in your name/half in hers. Do you keep the car and make her deal with it or do you let her have it and hope she gets a job in time to make the payments? Im ready to let her stand on her own, but I am afraid that by her moving in with her boyfriend's family, she will not stand, but fall when the relationship breaks up. Then she will be too proud to come back home. What should I do?

Becky - posted on 02/08/2012

Just went through a heart-breaking time with my 17 year old daughter. She had been acting different for a few weeks and finally I asked her to have an honest talk with me and she admitted she wanted to move out and had no desire to live at home anymore because she "doesn't like it there." In the meantime, she stayed with friends and I cried for about a week then I decided that even though it was a year earlier than I even considered that she would move out, and I could have called the cops to bring her home, I would change the situation. I explained to her that as her parents, it broke our hearts and we were not ready for this, but if she found a suitable situation, I would support her and help her financially to finish school. I told her gas and lunch money for school was all she should expect from us and then when she found a really good friend, that I have known for a few years, to be her roommate and a good deal on rent, she began to get excited and while my heart was breaking inside, I pretended to be excited for her. Within a few days,I wasn't pretending... I was really excited for her to begin this new chapter, though it was earlier than I would ever have anticipated. Before, when she lived at home, she talked to me only when she needed something, now she comes by or calls everyday to tell me something exciting and sometimes I want to roll my eyes because I think what she's talking about will not work, I just listen, and tell her I love her at the end of the conversation. Sometimes the best thing to say to our kids is... nothing more than... I love you and home will always be here if you need it. And if she ever does, I will never say, "I told you it so."

Lucille - posted on 01/06/2012

My 17 yr old daughter left home during a heated argument with both parents, about an alarming school phone call about her attendance and possibly not graduating this year :(( Although we notice attitude changes and lack of interest in her future, the phone call BLEW our minds and just caught is off guard. Overall, she was always a good girl, and made school a priority like how we tried to raise her since a baby; well I just learned that my daughter has skipped nearly all her classes for the past 3 months!!! Shocker!!! There is more leading up to her attitude change, since getting into 2 car accidents (both her fault), and a speeding ticket, her dad and I had practically put her on lock down at home, and had been triple strict on her with nagging and endless lectures....
As a result, last argue meant her dad have her the option to leave and never come home... with much regret she now refuses to acknowledge us :((. I don't wanna lose her just yet, I just want her to pick up her self esteem and finish school for her sake, but I'm afraid she won't just to get payback at her parents :((

Anne - posted on 12/02/2011

i am also feeling same my daughter lived with me when she had our grandson up to him being a toddler then move to a flat not too far felt gutted but got use to it I was there when she needed a break which was often I didn't mind then after a year moved back in found a boyfriend all was well for 3 years till last week she broke up with her boyfriend and went with my grandson to her friend 120 miles away and now has decieded to stay for a week now wants to stay there and says I can visit but just been laid off from work cant afford to keep going up there ive gone from looking after him full time to nothing and I feel gutted I feel that there is nothing left to live for I feel so alone what do I do now will he forget me he means so much to me totally lost.

Denise - posted on 02/23/2011

My 17 year old son did the same thing to me.... except he left in the middle of the night, in the middle of the week.

Here's what I had to figure out in the months leading up to his departure (because I could tell it was coming by his attitude changes)..:

At what point do we stop dictating what our chilren can and cannot do and allow them to make their own decisions, their own choices, their own mistakes. We, as parents, have to let go of our children and allow them to become adults. And hope that the tools and lessons we taught them will help them to live their lives well. Whether we helped them or not, they will survive. We did!

If we are confident that our parenting skills were adequate, there should be no reason for our children to not become productive adults when they feel ready for the responsiblity. Obviously, some feel as tho they are ready much sooner than others.

So as a parent of a 17 (or 16 or 18 or whatever age) year old who has left our bussom, the way I see it, we have two choices.... we can worry about them 24/7, which only disrupts our lives but not theirs, or we can accept it as a fact of life, wish them the best of luck, let them know we are here for them no matter what, and keep living our lives. Which, in my opinion, is the best option because it shows the teenager that left that they didn't accomplish what maybe they hoped to accomplish.... or maybe they did.

Tiffany - posted on 02/10/2011

TEENAGERS they think they know it all. I can say that because I have THREE in my household. They think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I would talk to her and she what she has to say and go from there. They must learn (sometimes it's the hard way) that there are rules EVERYWHERE you go. Just because you don't like the rules at home doesn't mean leaving will solve the problem(s). I would recommend seeing a counselor also if she is not willing to work it out with you. I was also told parents are responsible for children until they are 18..so even though she left if anything was to happen you will be reliable for it.

Patricia - posted on 02/10/2011

Well here is my point of view on that topic....lol
Recently my daughter turned 18 and for the last year and a half all I have heard was "When I am 18 I am moving out on my own!" Bla Bla Blaaaaa!!! So ya know what...I said "If ya can't beat em JOIN EM!! So on her 18th birthday I moved in with my fiance....and she moved in with her oldest sibbling her brother!!! PS: After a week of living with her brother her true colors showed up...on her cell phone at 1am...woke up her brother who had to get up for work at 6am!!! That was the wrong thing to do!!! She ended up walking out and walked to her friends house....her latest fling...a 16 year old HS drop out....and Did not attend school for 2 days...and did not contact me or anyone as well!!! WOW!! Finally....I heard from her yesterday...her words....I am sick of bubby thinking he is my father...I will never stay there with him ever again!!
(Now mind you....not onece did she admit that she was wrong for talking loud on her cell phone...nope it was her brothers fault! lol)
In conclusion here....this is my last child to turn 18...I know in my heart that I have done everything possible for her...bent over backwards trying to please a child that truly does not appreciate anything I do for her. So with that being said....I reccomend that you let go! I know its hard...but after all....when they turn 18 its exactly like the old Alice Cooper song...."I'm 18" they think they know it all and have so much knowledge now that they are a "QUOTE" adult!!! LOL
There really is not much that you can do...talking is good...but in the long run...be honest with yourself...will that REALLY help? Sad but true....it will not make one bit of difference to that stubborn soon to be 18 yr old child/adult! LOL
I seriously think that talking makes things worse...my child did not wanna hear anything I had to say to her....she was mind set on being on her own...and nothing me or anyone else said to her made a difference at ALL!!!!!
The more I would ask her to please get up for school....talked to her about going to college etc etc....the MORE she was determined NOT to losten to a word I said. Plain and simple...sad but very true...we gotta let go of the apron strings...and don't let them STOMP all over our heart-strings!!!! It hurts...I know it hurts....TRUST me YES it does!!! Letting go is not easy at all!!! But its something that mothers have to do eventually....when our little bundles of joy begin raising our blood pressure and heart rate to the point where our doctor becomes quite concerned!! It's TIME to let go and let that child learn what it is like out in this BIG lonely cold world!!!
Hope things work out for you!! :-)
God Bless YOU!!!!
49 yr old mother of 3 is now TIRED & RETIRED!!! lol

Josee - posted on 02/09/2011

Thank you everyone for you input. I do know where she is. She is staying at my grandparents and I know she is safe. She call a few times a week to talk to her younger sister (16) and her two younger brothers (6, 11) but never talks to me or her dad. I have tried calling her and told her that I am there for her no matter what. That I love her and she can always come home if she wants to. The thing that scares me more is that we think she may be schzohrenic like her dad and want her to get tested. She refuses and I am scared for her. Unfortunatly in Ontario Canada at 17 there is nothing I can do if she decides to move out. I tried calling the police and CAS to see if they could help and they both told me there was nothing they could do. She left at 7:30 at night while I was at work yelling at her dad that she was fed up with this house and rules and family and that she was leaving and there was nothing he could do and then she just left. I do not know what more to do then what I have been which is text her good night every night tell her that I love her and am there for her.
Josee

Lori - posted on 02/08/2011

just a note though- she is doing fantastic now and i couldnt be any prouder... you just have to give her space to be herself....

Lori - posted on 02/08/2011

OK here is my input. My daughter moved out ealier this year at 17 as well. She did not like the fact that i would not allow her boyfriend to move in with us because they have a child together. Sk she moved out. Bounced from place to place. With my help i got her into a apartment so they wont be homeless but i kept my "mommy" distance. What i have learned is that they not only need you, but want you during that time. She still comes and sees me very frequently but i try and limit my interruptions or advice unless she needs it. has she done the best since she left? no. but ihave supported her decision even though it hurt like a dickens. i wish her and the kids were here. but they arent so i just try and show/teach her as best as i can from a distance. just remind her you love her, you support her and if there are any problems you will be there. she is going on 19 now nd still calls me mommy!)

Taunya - posted on 02/08/2011

My daughter (now 21) did the same thing at 17. I would be interested in knowing a little more informtion. Do you know where she is? is she safe where she is? etc. When my daughter did this move i know nothing. I searched for her, called her friends, looked on line, posted messages etc. finally she called me because all her friends was bugging her. I found out she was staying with an old friend's family (i didn't know they still had contact). After getting a little mad at her and the parents for not contacting her parents (me and my husband) we then set down and talked. the other parents said she could stay there for a while to think about things and i let her and them know i wasn't happy with it but said ok. I continued the keep the door of communication open with her but would not give her or them money to support her. I figured they wanted to take it on and she wanted to be an adult then at least i know she was safe and i let it be. She did end up comming home and since then has been in and out, issues arised that we/she is still working on but she's doing better.

Vickie - posted on 02/08/2011

In most states, if not all, at 17 your daughter is not of legal age to move out on her own. You can make her return home until she turns 18. She'll discover soon enough that living on her own comes with a lot of responsibilities. In the meantime, sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her and find out what's going on. You may also want to consider counselling for her or for both of you.

Carol - posted on 02/07/2011

I kow what that feels like my daughter did the same at 19 and thought I am all grown up but now at 25 she is back home all you can do is let her know you are there for her and when she makes a mistake help her out but let her stand on her own two feet for a while and she will realise what she had at home keep your heart strong and place your trust in God he will guide you through this Carol

Shawnn - posted on 02/02/2011

INVESTIGATE!!! Is she in a relationship? Is she being forced to do something against her will? She's 17, there is SOMETHING going on here. are you and her dad still together? If not, could she be there?

Sorry, too many questions, I know. I'm praying for you both, and I sincerely hope it's teenage hormones and nothing else

KELLIKAYZ - posted on 02/02/2011

I AM SORRY JOSEE, I CANNOT IMAGINE HOW MUCH YOU ARE HURTING RIGHT NOW. MY 18 YEAR OLD SON DID THE SAME THING WHEN HE WAS 17 BECAUSE HE HAS TOTAL FREEDOM AT HIS FATHER'S. IT KILLED ME WHEN I SAW HIM ONE DAY WITH HIS FRIENDS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD STORE WHEN MY 14 YEAR OLD AND I WERE THERE. I FELT SO LOST AND HURT. I AM BEYOND HAPPY TO SAY THAT HE GOT OVER HAVING THE FREEDOM OVER HIS MOM AND BABY BROTHER AND HAS NOT DONE THAT AGAIN. HE STAYED GONE ABOUT 3 WEEKS, YOU'RE DAUGHTER WILL COME BACK. I'M JUST SORRY YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS ROUGH TIME......GOD BLESS YOU SWEETIE

Jane - posted on 02/02/2011

Interesting...at 17 years old, in the state I live in, you can report her as a run away and get her to come home. Do I think that's the right answer? No, but if my now 20 year old daughter pulled that at 17, I'd be finding her and convincing her to come home.

You say you're confused as to what happened....did she leave in the middle of the night? Did you have a fight? Do you not have a good relationship? Is she in trouble? You must have SOME idea on what happened.

Crystal Nutt Spinks - posted on 02/01/2011

@ julie I love your response!!!! I left home at 16 I was pregnant with my first child and i thought for sure i knew it all (ha) was i wrong...But Julie is right you have to be supportive and let her know you are going to be there for her she is trying to spread her wings and if you fight it you will drive her further into a world she is not ready for even tho she thinks she is......I am not saying make it easy dont start paying her bills and stuff like that she needs to she the full picture of the responsibility she is taking on before she is able to learn this life lesson....You just need to try and sit down and talk to her and see what is really going on something is hapening in her life that she feels she is ready to go it alone...The most important thing is that she know you are there unconditionaly and whole heartedly there to support her as best as you can and trust me she will be back may take a few weeks may take a year but she will be back once she realizes she is not ready for this grown up life yet lol cuz trust me dont we all wish at some point we could go back home.......and be kids again lol

Julie - posted on 02/01/2011

you need to speak to your daughter and ask if there are any problems either at home or outside and then you can sit and work things out. i left home at 18 purely because i wanted my own space and be able to live my own life without my mum chipping in and either advising(which she always seemed to be interfering instead) or pure critisism. teenagers are funny people and think all parents are mind readers. take her out for lunch and talk to her and help her make her own place nice she will respond better if you leave the mommy head at the door and talk to her as an individual person whose opinions you respect.