my 17 yr old boy just up and moved out and in with his girlfriend..

Kathaleen - posted on 12/19/2011 ( 21 moms have responded )

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So my 17 yr old son just up and moved out on me three days ago said it was time for him to make his owen decisions and choices and learn from them? so confussed.. He moved in with his girlfriend and her family a family that has lyed and made my life pretty stressfull at times allwoing there daughter and him to hand out in her room on the bed.. lord knows what else anyways.. I am so hurt he did this me and him have had a wonderfull relationship so just so confussed on why he would do this.. Ive seen letters and text about them tlking about it her saying cant waint untill you turn 17 but me and his step dad just lauphed it off as teenagers in love.. Not only did he move out he made up lyes about his step dad. His step dad came and looked for him when he got home from work and found him and put his but back in the car and braught him home with some struggle.. now his step dad has raised him sense he was 5 yrs old , his real dad had been not the greatest . but he told his girlfriend he was chocked and stuff he also told the school councelor and cops.. im so upsett how could he do this.. its not true at all.. any advice???

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Angie - posted on 12/19/2011

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not sure where you are located, but in my state, the kids have all learned about the magical age of 17...worst age for parents, because they can legally leave and we can't report them as a runaway or force them to come home but we are still responsible for them and cannot deny them a place to live. My son did the same thing ~ his girlfriends father who 6 months before put 7 stitches in my son's head allowed him to move in. They will say what they need to say to justify their actions ~ don't sweat that stuff, you know it's not true so don't even have that battle. And as hard as it is not to, don't take it personally ~ he's not doing this to you; he honestly thinks he's wise enough, strong enough & knows enough to be on his own. My advice? Let him...be consistent on what you will or will not be responsible for. I settled for school and medical; he was not allowed to take his vehicle, he was not allowed to take any belongings besides clothing, he was not allowed to take his cell phone....you're ready to be an adult? go ahead, the more you chase, the more he'll run, but make sure you let him know you are always there for him & he always has a place at home. If he asks for things, I would tell mine I'm so sorry i can't do that for you, that's a provision I provide my children living at home; it's hard because we don't want to tell our kids no, we want them to have the best of the best, but as parents, we know that what they are doing is not right and I would not enable him. My son barely graduated high school and a few months later did move back home, dug himself out of the hole he put himself in, and now is on the right track with a full time job & got his own apartment a couple months ago when he turned 20. Make sure you keep the communication open, sometimes it helps to do by emails so it doesn't become heated, gives you time to think about your words and keeps you on topic ...best of luck to you ~ believe me, I know how difficult it is...chances are, he will return home sooner than you think.

Jacqueline - posted on 12/03/2012

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Not much you can do. Going through similar with my own bipolar son and it is hell. He refuses his meds and he tells people we fight everyday and he wants to move in with a friend. Never mind hes lived with my exhusband and my mother and had similar issues. He doesnt recognize a pattern and people dont recognize his mental illness. I am lost myself.

Annemarie - posted on 12/28/2011

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My 18 y/o son is moving out in a few weeks with his g/f that he ONLY knows online.. I live in Virginia and she is in IOWA.. I am supportive in that it is his decision, but have discussed with him what his plans are if things do not work out with her.
He just got to come home with me after almost 2 yrs in Foster Care in August and now he is leaving me again!! I know there is nothing I can do to stop him, but I feel your pain and frustration. All I can suggest is to keep the lines of communication open and tell him that he is still your son and that no matter what he does you will love him. My son knows that he is welcome to come back home if he wants, but that he is leaving in his "dime" and he has to pay his own way to his g/f's house. He bought his plane tix tonight with his Christmas money, and is buying everything needed to leave.

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Annemarie - posted on 01/25/2012

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Well, here is an update on MY son. He has been in IA now for a week. It seems like a decent arrangement, even if her father didn't believe he was actually coming out there.. LOL.. At least he has accapted my FB friend request, as well as his g/f. I have talked with him multiple times in the past week, so at least I can give that much in support of his decision. I hope you ladies can take what my experience is and find solace in the fact that he is doing ok.

Kathaleen - posted on 01/25/2012

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Thanx Angie, that really helped hereing it from someone who has been through simular issues. Your right i do just need to lay back on the texting and trying to get ahold of him all it dose is cause arguments..and yes i did take his phone away there no way im paying for that with how he is acting. He wants a phone he can pay for it himself. It sounds like you have been through much much more than me with your son. My oldest son is Bipolar he is not living in the home he went to live with my parents becouse he dropped out of school and was getting into trouble with drugs and alchol and of course would not listen to our rules for the most part. He is still struggling with his bipolar it is a horrible disease i dont wish it on any one just as your son proubly feels my son says i just dont know why i get so mad and do certain thigs. he like blacks out then feels remourse after he comes off his mania attack. Its sad .. i hate it , they know theres something wrong with them and medications dose not allways help sometimes honesly ive discoverd makes it worse. My son kyll has been through sooo many meds to try and find one that will work with him but all they do is zone him out make him tired and moody.. cant really do school all day when you feel like a zommie. Well thanxs again for all your support i really appreciate it. hang in there with your son. tyl

Angie - posted on 01/23/2012

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oh, Kathaleen...this is the very, very, very hardest part of it, for so many years we had a say-so & for it to be just taken away & just have to sit back and watch them learn from their mistakes...so very hard, I know. My son was never honor roll, but to watch him quit the baseball team & graduate with a 1.14 gpa...very hard when I knew he was capable of better. And I know it certainly don't help when you are dealing with people with lower standards than you..been there/done that & can't give you an explanation why people are like that. Did you decide what to do about the cell phone? If he had those grades/attendance at home, what would be his penalty? Set your boundaries and try to stay consistent with them...I know it was very helpful for me to just back off, communicate with him only in writing (emails/facebook messages), he got a weekly email with his grades and any school concerns, try as much as you can to avoid the phone calls/texting, it just opens up for an immediate argument equally stress ...yes I checked his myspace/facebook (didn't let him know that..lol) and just keep praying ~ 17 years does not go away overnight & if that's the kind of parents you are dealing with, it will be cool for awhile, but eventually, he will realize what a real parent is...keeping my prayers going for you...you will make it, you will! when you miss him, find a picture of him & remember the better days, write him an email telling him you were thinking of him & missing him, it's ok to cry, it does hurt, and don't even be embarrassed about getting help for yourself, you NEED to take care of you so you can be at your best to take care of your younger one...hang in there :)

Angie - posted on 01/01/2012

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Jodi that 17 age is a tough age & a lot of parents are struggling to survive them while other parents are breezing right through..who knows the reason why that it is. I personally know how frustrating it can be but I am finally on the other side of it and can only offer patience and hope :)

Jodi - posted on 01/01/2012

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Wow.... I was considering posting here about my situation... which its VERY simular to yours... the only difference was where he was living.. I feel your stress, your pain, all of it! I was looking for advice myself... I will be posting mine here in just a bit... I got on here to post when I saw yours... I hope we both can get the advice we need....

Angie - posted on 12/28/2011

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I am happy to hear you survived and I think you did good! The stressing and crying is part of our hurt because we know they are picking a harder path. "It is what it is" ~ another common saying that happened in my house...you hang in there, focus on the good, and turn to family, friends, support groups, whatever you need to do to get through the bad days :)

Kathaleen - posted on 12/28/2011

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yes i know what can you do?? its frusterating as a parent becouse we know there not ready but nothing we can do.. im sorry your son is leaving i really hope all goese well for him and you.. try not to stess to much.

Kathaleen - posted on 12/28/2011

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Merry Christmas to you as well, n yes it nice to speek with other moms that have been through simular situations becouse if you havent delt with it its def misunderstood

Kathaleen - posted on 12/28/2011

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ya your right on that one.. i did tell him i was unable to do that becouse i wasnt willing to put a damper on his little brothers christma.. which was supose to be his aswell and if he would like them he could come over on day.. it wasnt easy but it worked he showed up for are famly christmas but texted the whole time but told me he loved me like three times.. but he left went back to girlfrieds.. so it is what it is for the time being .. ive stressed ive cryed ive missed work. hell it hit me pretty bad. But i am done with that asure him we love him and miss him and tell he hes welcome back home at anytime and tell him to make good choices.. that it..

Angie - posted on 12/26/2011

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I thought about you over the weekend and hope it went as well as it could. I got some much needed time with my oldest, especially with everything going on with my youngest; it's hard to remember when we had our tough times & seeing so many other parents struggling with older teens makes me appreciate that time spent so much more....Hope you had a Merry Christmas!

Angie - posted on 12/23/2011

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well, you don't have to make that decision today and you need to do what you feel is right. I know you love him; I know you miss him, and I know you wish you could wave a magic wand to make everything right ~ but he wont talk to you on the phone, he won't come over for Christmas, but instead wants you to change your normal plans for him. What will you accomplish if you go to his grandmas? Is it just to see him, hug him, give him Christmas gifts? Is it going to end up in an argument? Is that going to cause more stress for you let alone take away from your younger one's Christmas? It might be better if you are not there so his dad CAN have that good talking to with him; if you have good communication with his dad, let him know what's going on as far as his demands and refusing to come see you for Christmas ~ he can add that into his talking to..lol..I know it's hard, believe me I do, and nobody can say what they would or wouldn't do walking in your shoes...me, personally, I don't do good with my way or no way attitudes, I don't think I would put additional stress on me catering to his wants when he is unwilling to even put the littlest effort into your relationship to even make a phone call. I think I would tell him I am unable to make it there, as you have done, for the reasons you have said, and when he gets a chance or some free time, it would be great for him to stop by and see you. I know it's hard because it's Christmas, but Christmas is just a day, kind of like Mother's day, you shouldn't just be nice to your mom on Mother's day, it should be all year. But do what's best for you, what you are comfortable with, what's best for your youngest, as much as your oldest wants it too, the world doesn't revolve around him...Hang in there!!

Kathaleen - posted on 12/22/2011

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ya ive been trying to get him to meet me so we can talk face to face he wont at this time not even on the phone so i can hear his voice just texting?? He did text me though the other day in regards to me asking him if he is gunna come ove for xmas or on xmas eve ... he said no he would not come over but he wants me to come out to is grandmas were he is gunna be with his dad on xmas day and see him.. i told him but that is the day i stay home and do xmas with jj and supose to be you,, plus i have to work that night it would be kinda diff to do that but he insist that is the only way i am going to beable to see him for xmas his way or no way.. ugg that kid.. little dose he know though that when he dose get to his grandmas with his dad that they have a good talking coming to them.. they are very upsett with joey for moving in with his girlfriend and his real dad letting him.. so idk? ya think i should drive out there?

Angie - posted on 12/21/2011

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If you can wait, wait 3 days, don't try to contact him, see if he makes an effort to contact you. Att will let you turn off phone & reconnect in 30 days I think with no activation charge. Not sure how much time has passed but I think for your own sanity, I think you really need to sit down & have a talk with him, not about the why's or how's of what happened but where you want your relationship to go from here & what you are still prepared to do for him as an "adult" out on his own and YES focus in your 10th, use your energy for good instead of burning it up in stress..hang in there sometimes day by day, minute by minute, bit you will make it:)))

Kathaleen - posted on 12/21/2011

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yes Angie thanx, it is exp difficult dealing with this on christmas but i will get thought it for my 10 yr old. And yes i do pay for his cellphone bill , my dad told me the same thing the bill is due again act this week and he said you shouldnt pay that bill he needs to see what to be on his owen with no job or the lucteries of home. Im just worried that he wont stay in contact with me or think im giving up on him? idk? i proubly need to express some hard love. He is still just so caught up on the fact of His step dad coming and getting him and how it happend he honestly is just amping it up stil it blows my mind. Then only thing i can think of why he is doing this is to make the eyes to be placed on his step dad instead of him and what he did by walking out. And of course like you said to make everyone feel sorry for him. uggg this kid.. its hard it really is. Glad to see you made it through it gives me some insperation. Thanx

Angie - posted on 12/20/2011

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He probably gave them some sob story of how horrible his life is and it never ceased to amaze me how many parents believed every word and never once picked up the phone and called me. Are you paying for that cell phone you text him on? It's definitely your decision to make, but if he's not using it to communicate with you, I'd be questioning whether I'd still be paying for that. It's amazing what they can figure out when they have to. Text and email are a little different ~ text is more of a conversation, and email gives you an opportunity to express a lot more before needing a response. One other thing to remember when faced with a tough what do I do decision..like about the phone..think, do i have to make that decision today? If you don't, then don't. A very wise lady from church gave me wonderful advise when I think things were tough and stressful, turn it over to God and wait 3 days; it definitely helps relieve the stress of the current situation...best wishes to you; this has to be especially tough over the holidays ~ I didn't even see mine one Christmas going through this; it was tough, but survivable, lean on your friends and family for support :)

Kathaleen - posted on 12/20/2011

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Shawn, his girlfriend is younger than him she is 16 and he is 17. Her parents odv. do not handle her they lett her do whatever she wants mom is a drinker and gives her daughter whatever she wants out of guilt and dad dose not were the pants in the family odv? I dont get it dont really think there is anything else going on but to teenager that lyed to her parents to get them to lett him move in and they were simply dumb enough to fall for it.

Kathaleen - posted on 12/20/2011

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Thank you Angie that was very helpfull, i appreciate the response.. I agree its time to let him spread his wings and see how far he can fly. Ive been telling him he is welcome home at anytime but the rules will still apply. Ive been keeping the lines of communication open to him by text. he still wont see me? but im being patient, trying not to take it personally. Thanks again. :)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/19/2011

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What's she offering him to make the deal sweeter? Is she older, or younger than he is? If she's younger, how are HER parents handling HER?

Sounds like something else is going on...

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