my 17 yr old daughter moved in with a 35 yr old man! advice please

Julie - posted on 07/01/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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my 17 yr old daughter moved in with her 35 yr old boyfriend into the flat he already rented. now she lives there he told her he thinks i should provide food and pay bills for them as she is under 18. i have contact with her, when she comes to see me she often stays over and we spoil her rotten. i call her and text her often, but i dont feel i can go to the flat to see her as i have such a hard time seeing past his age, he literally is double her age at 35 and she is 17. i hate the fact that he is so old and has 3 small children to 2 other women and she is just starting out on life at 17. he doesnt have a job, hes on the dole. now her college course has finished til it starts again in september, he told her to hand out her CV so she can get a summer job to support them. i just wish she would come home and have told her this. i think she is far to young to be out on her own, its a difficult road she has chosen to walk. i understand she loves him and wants a relationship with him, which is why i try so hard to tread water and be involved in her life and i dont bad mouth him or talk badly about him, although i did express my concern to her about his age.

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You did exactly what you should do in this situation. Be supportive of her, AT HOME, and be there for her when this eventually falls apart. She will eventually figure out that he is just using her as she is young and naive. Try to make sure she has a good form of birth control and even purchase it for her if necessary. If he has 3 kids already and is on welfare then you know he isn't going to support another child if she gets pregnant. Always make sure she knows that she is welcome to come home but that the financial support ends at your door. Also make sure she knows you love and will continue to help her with college. Eventually, once he realizes that the money bag is empty, he will either leave, or she will see him for what he is. Good luck!

Ana - posted on 07/06/2012

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Your daughter seems to be in a hurry to grow up, shacking up with a 35 year old man. She's in "college", so she thinks she's emancipated. Set some ground rules. You'll pay for her housing and food expenses if it's for the duration of her stay in student housing. If this 35 year old boyfriend conditioned her move-in WITH the caveat that YOU the Parents were to pay for food and bills, then he has his answer. The answer is NO, it will not happen. You cannot support the arrangement AS your daughter cannot answer for YOU... in which case the boyfriend needs to get let her go back to her previous housing situation. Hello!!!!

Chaya - posted on 07/06/2012

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What is the age of consent and the legal adult age in your community/country. If she's a minor, you can force her to move home, you can't however, make her stay.
If you stop spoiling her, she'll figure out eventually that the man is a parasite, but a lot could happen between now and then.

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User - posted on 08/07/2012

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I am totally floored by this 35 YO boy! the nerve of him to tell her that you parents should pay for room and board! I was interested in your post because my 16yo daughter is dating a 20yo loser who couch surf, doesn't work and doesn't even have an ID. I was able to get a restraining order, the Judge was very sympathetic, but the local police won't do anything because she is 16 and has a right to choose who she sees or not. That she "technically" has to be the one to make the complaint for them to enforce the restraining order. Sorry! BACK to you! We are now in August hopefully they have broken up! I'm gonna do what you are doing. Express my concerns, step back and see what happens. ;-(. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through and hope she gets over this emotionally abusive relationship soon!

Ana - posted on 07/07/2012

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I am sorry to hear about the situation. It is important you not forward money, however, your door should be left open for daughter to drop in and have dinner with the family. As long as she is not in a potentially dangerous situation...I hope things resolve quickly. Pray daily from your core.

Julie - posted on 07/07/2012

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the age of consent is 16 here. she is attending college on a daily basis, but living at home still. its a 6th form to obtain A levels. we have taken on all the advice and have 'withdrawn' from the situation. i have told her we are here for her, she knows she can come home. hopefully she will realize that he is a sleaze and come home. hes putting pressure on her to have her 'coil' removed, her form of contraception. he already has 3 children to 2 other women. parents worse nightmare. she is almost 18, but clearly still very niave and young of mind and i do feel he controls her to a frightening degree. i cannot force her to come home, which is what i want to do. i have to sit back and watch her make mistakes and hopefully learn and grow from them. he was already living in his flat before he asked my daughter to move in, you would think at 35 he was in a position to take care of himself financially. he asked her to move in so he could claim more money for her, he said he would technically become her guardian. now he realizes he cant claim for her and wants me to pay HIS bills and buy food for them! charming man

Julie - posted on 07/06/2012

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thank you so much for the encourging words. it has been a very difficult time and im hoping it happens sooner than later.

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