My 18 year old daughter is out of control

Stacy - posted on 02/28/2012 ( 51 moms have responded )

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I am the mother of an 18 year old daughter who has moved out of the house. She was staying with her friends and boyfriend until recently. I have just learned that she is now staying with a possible drug dealer. The police have no record on him, but I am so upset...I feel like my world has come to an end! She has now dropped out of school in her Senior year with only 3 months left until Graduation. My husband, myself, and our two younger sons are reeling from the blow of all this. I drug tested her a few months ago (with her consent) and everything came back negative. I was so happy but now I am not sure if the results would be the same. She does not want to obey even the simplest rules. My daughter was raised in a good solid Christian home and this behavior does not reflect anything we have taught her. If there is anyone out there that knows what we are going through please give me some solid advice! We live in a very small town and the support is very limited. I am praying everyday that GOD will show her the way back home!!

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Betty - posted on 08/29/2013

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I have read through all of these stories and it sounds so much like my own.My 17 year old can legally move out and she knows this.She is a senior this year,she was raised with biblical standards and principles.She watched when her older sister broke our hearts and literally brought our family to it's knees with heartache and depair.She had gotten pregnant at 15 and at the advise of my non-believing family moved out when the baby was a little over a year old.Thankfully she graduated early but has struggled ever since,and finally came to realize we weren't as stupid as she thought we were,and is back home with us again she is 20.So seeing ALL of that,my other daughter who swore she was not going to be "stupid" like her sister met a boy who was not raised christian 2 years ago and has convinced her she should be able to do whatever she wants and to hell with what we say.She was in Band,Tennis,Powerlifting,Softball and Dance and was kicked out of all of them for PDA with this boy in school.She has it in her mind it was OUR fault,or the teacher's and coaches fault,and they were just being mean to her.She brings up our mistakes and her sisters mistakes when she gets mad.She excuses her actions by saying at least she hasn't gotten pregnant like her sister.We know she is sexually active with this boy and we have tried to tell her getting pregnant isn't the worst thing that could happen disobeying God's word.She refuses to listen to sound advise,because this boy who has already graduated keeps putting empty fairy tale pipe dreams in her head.He has convinced her we the enemy and just trying to keep her from having fun and living her life.She blew up one day and left for three days it again was devastating to our family.His parents do not like my daughter they has cussed her and kicked him out.We allowed him to stay with us so that he would not be homeless and take to living with my daughter on the streets.We want her to graduate so we told him he could share a room with our son.(He is 13 and he hates it)We set rules and we know they have broken every one of them,but he told her if we get on to them,they will just leave.Our patience is about to run out with them,we have prayed cried and tried to council them.It has taken a toll on our son and our marriage.We don't know how much longer we can take the personal hateful attacks.

Kelly - posted on 02/28/2012

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I think all you can do is pray for her at this time. She is legally an adult and you cannot change her heart or her ways. All you can do is tell her when her world comes crashing down around her do to the poor choices you will be there for her. However that will be under your roof and your rules. I would not let her back in the house until she is willing to comply.

Sarah - posted on 10/18/2013

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Hi Renee: There is lots you can do...some of it legal. Voicing your disapproval will push her away from you and closer to him. Tell her how you feel and that despite your concerns you love her without conditions and will always be there for her. Have you had a chat with this guy? Asked him why an 18yr old and not someone more age appropriate? Does he appreciate and respect your position and concerns? Have you done a background criminal record check on him? Guys like this are not trustworthy and lack in maturity, integrity and moral values. She will not see through the excuses for being late or cancelling last minute compared to someone of similar age who would see through the b.s. All you can do is be there to wipe away the tears and make her favorite dinner when he shows his true colors. All part of life. In the interim dig up everything you can on this guy to make sure he is in good standing with the law. Then pat yourself on the back-can't say I would be as accomodating

Sarah - posted on 10/18/2013

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Kids don't stop needing unconditional love when they start to make mistakes and leave us at a complete loss for answers. I've read all of these posts and not one has mentioned what their reasons are for making their decisions/choices or how they are feeling about their life. We want to help them but that's not going to happen unless we go to the root cause that led to the results. 18 year olds think they know it all-we know they dont. It's up to us to help them navigate through challenging times and find a way to be the best they can be for THEM not anyone else. I've been a single mom for 12 years and have 2 daughters...I'm in no way saying its easy or even a requirement to be a good parent. We have all made sacrifices to create a good life for our kids...willingly. When people are at their worst they need the most love.

Betty - posted on 08/29/2013

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She sounds like my daughter,she told my husband she hates his advise and doesn't want to hear it.

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C - posted on 01/20/2014

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Hi Amy,
Please let me just say that I come from a strong Catholic family background, both parents still in tact, and religion and the tight restrictions and everything my parents taught me flew, literally fleeeeeew from my little head at 18. I did not care one ounce about what the right thing to do was. I was in looooove with an idiot. I wanted to be free to come and go as I pleased to be with this guy that was against everything I was ever taught to be like.
Anyhow, all I'm saying is, I love my parents. I am 42 now and my mom and dad are my best friends. Actually, it took all of about, less than 5 years for me to come back to how I was raised.
It happens. I have a crazy 18 yr old daughter, well, one that is not so unlike myself at her age, and I am having a hell of a time remembering back on the way I used to be. I mean, the way I used to be at her age doesn't even come into play when she is disrespecting me. I just think... "how dare her!"
When she isn't around and my brain can breathe again, I start reflecting and can be a little more understanding.
When they say, tough love, they mean it! I just seriously wish I could follow my own advice!

Carol Ann - posted on 10/28/2013

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Keep praying , tell her you love her and that she deserves better. Could she be rebelling?

Melissa - posted on 10/13/2013

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My heart goes out to all you mothers of 18 year olds. My daughter is 15 and I pray to god that this won't happen to us. I'm not saying it won't but this could be a reality. My advice only comes from growing up with a brother that had gone to live with some older boys when he was 17. My parents were beside themselves because these people and my brother became involved with drugs. I believe my parents were fantastic but were thrown a worst case sinario. They tried everything to get him home but nothing worked. I guess if I was in that same situation now with one of my children I would call the police. I know it sounds extreme but what they are doing is illegal.
We try to love and teach our children to make good decisions and I still believe at 18 years of age they are still learning just as we are. At 18 we all think we are adults and invincible but the truth is we're not. Maturity can take longer to develop at any age. Honestly be encouraging but also take back some control this will always be your child. Sometimes I think there are always going to be peole in our children's lives that we don't condon and see as the enemy. There is always a reason behind bad behaviour at any age. Try and find out what the underlying problem is to be able to help your child. The other is if you can't get your child away from the negative people in their life as the saying goes 'keep your friends clode but your enemies closer' that way you gain back some control and supervision of what's going on. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you and your children a safe, loving and happy reconciliation.

Elaine - posted on 10/13/2013

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My 18 year old daughter is a great girl she does not drink or smoke and doing her hnd at college but meet this boy who in the same college. There have a job at weekend and he work three night a week too .Now she ask for him to came and stay for good not sure what to do . help.

Amy - posted on 09/29/2013

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Hi mother's, my name is Amy and I'm one of you. My 18 year old daughter up and left with a guy before her graduation. She disrepected me talking to me any kind of way and she allowed her low life boyfriend to disrespect myself and my husband. I did all I could for her until she turned 18, her biological dad never did nothing for her, I am a very good parent, educated, never was an alcoholic nor did no drugs. My daughter told me a lie that she would be living in Alabama but the guy took her to Jonesboro, Georgia and lived in with his daddy. And now she say she live in Auburn Alabama, I don't know how true it is, because she tell so many lies, I never know when she's telling the truth and she is supposely pregnant, my daughter suppose to be in college so I don't know what to believe coming from her mouth. To make a long story short mother's, those low life teens have forgotten about God up above, and they fail to read the Holy Bible that says clearly "Children obey thy mother and thy Father, for your days will be short on earth." I did not attend her graduation because she had up and left with that bad guy that have driving tickets, and she had ran my blood pressure up so high. She is very strange, because people that are evil and a bad influence, she take their side for everything wrong and people that are good and try to help her, she do them very dirty like myself and I'm her mother, but I have left her and her scrub up my Heavenly Father. She will need me again someday. And what makes it so bad, the guy comes from a broken family, his mom is an alcoholic and his dad is a deadbeat, and I believe the guy attentionly took advantage of my daughter and wanted to hurt me, just because he come from a broken family. But my daughter knew better to allow such terrible thing to happen because I told her to never date a guy that came from a broken family, because he would be a bad influence somewhere down the road. I pray for her and other teenage girls with this LOVE problem.

Amy - posted on 09/29/2013

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Hi all, I am one of you. My daughter chose her boyfriend over me, and allowed him to disrespect my husband and I. I am the mother that did all I could for her, when her no good biological dad did nothing. And I have a wonderful husband thanks God, he never mind doing nothimg for her until she disrespeted me. To all mother's, leave those disobedient teens up to God up above, because they fail to read the Holy Bible and to understand that their days are short on earth. I never did my daughter wrong, she left with the guy before her graduation and moved to Jonesboro, GA into the guys daddys house, so it was very hard for me to attend her graduation, she ran my pressure up so high.

Betty - posted on 08/29/2013

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She sounds like my daughter,she told my husband she hates his advise and doen't want to hear it.

Connie - posted on 08/18/2013

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Reading everyone's posts gives me hope and terrifies me at the same time. My beautiful daughter is so angry. She has always been extremely intelligent, hates drugs and very popular. The only issue we faced is her and her Dad butt heads. She says he is abusive because he pushed her down once. He was wrong. No doubt, but that was six years ago and she won't let it go.

They fight so much that I pay for an apartment for her and stay with her most of the time, unless she is spending the night with a friend.

Now she has a boyfriend who appears to be nice, but a little controlling.

She has taken to screaming at me and cursing at me when she is upset or frustrated. I am the one person she blames when something goes wrong.

I have tried talking to her, but she thinks I am trying to manipulate her into doing what I want. She has completed two years of college while still in high school, but is stressed over financial aid. She says this is my fault because I did it for her and now she doesn't know how it works. The reason I did it (which she won't hear) was because the deadline was closing in fast and she didn't have the time to do it.

Today she was on another scream at Mom day. I told her she was not allowed to talk to me like this any more. She got out of the car and told me to not follow and then screamed F off. I then waited until her boyfriend showed up to pick her up.

Abi - posted on 04/07/2013

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Dear Renee, I know how upsetting this can be especially when the man is so much older than your daughter. Legally she can be with whomever she wants but you can point out to her that someone so much older can manipulate her into doing things she may not want to do. Something I have realised is that even though my daughter is causing me so much pain and torment she does actually still listen to some of the things I say which means we have more influence over our 18 yr olds than we realise, the challenge is to say what we think without sounding judgemental, so I tell it as though I were speaking to one of her friends, you know in a way that doesn't sound like I'm telling her what to do. Don't give up, I refuse to give up! I pray a lot:) I'll add you in too:) God Bless You!

Renee - posted on 04/07/2013

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my daughter is 18 and a 31 year old guy gave her a hickey is there anything i can do renee from ny

Abi - posted on 03/14/2013

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I'm sorry Paula, I can't understand your post. Claudia, the therapist told me that as long as I am paying anything for her I am enabling her. She advised me that the sooner I let her fall flat the sooner she'll realize home is best. I must admit I left the phone on for my own comfort so I can reach her but I am not paying for anything else. Let's all stand shoulder to shoulder & meet every piece of heartache over our teens with prayer. God Bless all of our families!

Paula - posted on 03/14/2013

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Has anyone ever tried I need to good in school product, its for add my son who is 16 has add and also odd he is driving me crazy and ideals what to do.

Claudia - posted on 03/14/2013

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I am so sorry you are going through this. My daughter will be 19 in a few days & she literally just left. We have been having on & off blow ups, fights, etc. Last night she did not come home again. This was really the only rule I could enforce because if we did not let her come & go as she pleases it was yelling, fighting & drama. I have MS & the stress worsens my condition. I took away her phone. I am now wondering if that was a mistake. It angers me to see the posts where people comment about controlling. It's not a control issue it's a standing by & waiting to watch a car accident happen. She got i completes & F's for her first semester of college, barely works (4 hours at Hollister every few weeks) & we pay for everything. The only thing I asked was for her to go to school or figure out what she wanted to do & that she had to sleep here at night. She dances & I feel like she is throwing all that away too. I feel like such a failure & the exact thing I was trying to avoid has happened, her out there unprepared, no money & no common sense. Her two younger sisters are not even that upset which really makes me sad but they have been on this roller coaster ride of problems with her since she was in middle school. Grateful to be able to vent here.

Abi - posted on 03/13/2013

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I am glad I found this page. My daughter is breaking my heart for all the reasons on this page. My husband left when she was 13 and she has never recovered, he had a mistress so he just cut my children out of his life, the 13 yr old took it the hardest and it has been downhill since then, now she is 18 on top of the drinking, nights away from home, smoking pot, she bullies me and screams at me so I asked her to leave.She is the youngest of four. I am sad to say her sisters have given up on her. I love my girls so much, it grieves me every day. We had counselors since she was 13, trips abroad, I have tried everything, all to no avail. I have to learn to trust God, really trust Him because I realize that He is the only one that can heal our relationship and bring her back to me and Him. There are some people on the page that seem to think by telling mothers like me, you should not be controlling or we should have done more to unearth the deeper problem, you are not helping at all, my other three girls are all happy, productive individuals, your comments are THUMPS and judgemental. For all of us, doing the best we can with 18 yr olds that seem to defy reason, God Bless Us and our children, let's pray for each other and trust Him more.

Lisa - posted on 01/25/2013

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My heart goes out to you! My daughter demonstrated the exact same behavior from age 15 -almost 18, She has been defiant, didnt care about rules, and put our entire family thru hell! She has been friends with drug dealers, unmotivated, older teens. Her latest boyfriend verbally and physically abused her; and she would do anything he said. On the day of her 18th bday, her friend drove her car for 30 seconds in the middle of the day, and got a DUI. 3 days later her "best friend/boyfriend" drove to a club to celebrate her 18th bday, and almost killed her in a fatal car accident at 230 am on a Friday night. She is now suffering for the decisions and choices she has made, and the relationships she formed. Unfortunately it took the extreme for her not to take life for granted. Her arm is deformed, and she had to wear a back brace for 8 weeks. I have been taking care of her but finally just went back to work.
Hang in there! I have realized that teens have to make their own mistakes in order to learn. It doesnt mean we are bad parents when they behave this way. We are the unlucky parents of teens who are defiant. Don't let anyone judge your family, they just simply don't understand. My advice to you......stay strong and let her know how much you love her! Marissa never knew how much we loved her before her accident. We had so much anger toward her behaviour, it was a very negative atmosphere. Your daughter is already 18, and unfortunately you have little control. But I believe she will come around! Stay consistent, but let her know how concerned you are and how much you love her. Good luck........... who knew parenting would be this difficult!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jacqueline - posted on 01/25/2013

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Sal,

I am so grateful that there are a few of us with reason. In every post on this site the issue is one of control. Controlling and attempting to control the actions of teenagers can only result in tragedy. Teens are biologically programmed to rebel. The greater efforts of the parents to control the greater the rebellion.

I was raised in a house with complete freedom to be who I was and encouragement to do what I wanted to do with my future. Yes, I too made a few bad decisions but I made so many many good decisions as I developed my sense of self.

Now my son is the same. Yes he may have some issues with cleaning his room or getting good grades or really have any intention of going to college, but other than that, he is a wise 17 year old who takes care of his cousins who now live with us and holds them accountable for their actions and teaches them right from wrong.

The more parents attempt to control young adults, the sooner and greater the pushback will be.

Jacqueline - posted on 01/25/2013

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It looks like the rebellion that you were due some time ago ages 15-17 was successfully defused in your home. In many ways that is good. However, because of this I am not at all surprised that she is pushing the envelope now. She is finally able to experiment with her independence and the pent up rebellion that should have happened and didn't has become more severe.

Why did she leave the house before graduation anyway? Just keep encouraging her to graduate and offer assistance for college, whether or not she moves back home. The most important thing here is your relationship and her education.

Faithie - posted on 01/25/2013

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First of all, she moved out. she is now living under civil authority. You, your husband and your sons deserve to feel safe and secure in your own home. that is,,,do not allow her to return simply to cause drama. It;s just more manipulation.

Besides normal teenage rebellion, children today seem to take all the obligatory empowerment messages, all the cocooning at home or in school, basically because we are afraid....and they soak it up and decide they really do deserve everything and anything.I;ve been watching, not just mine, so many- go wherever it is fun to be...seem to be totally narcissistic.Making her do anything probably DOES make her angry. you are after all challenging her sense of herself as a God!

So in your prayers, truly ask for what is best for her, not just that she come home. If you truly trust God, you will trust Him to take care of her.Stop living in fear! Once you are at peace about this, when she does try to communicate you may be able to keep an open mind, and re start your relationship.And not give in to whining. or fear.God Bless your family

Faith

Teri - posted on 01/24/2013

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What is going on with our children that so many of us have the same story? My daughter is 18 and I am at the end of my rope. I have a 28 and 26 yr old as well and they never gave me an ounce of grief. She has been downhill since she hit high school. Prior to HS she had great grades, played softball and in the band! She had always been a very charming, polite girl-strangers would comment on what a nice girl she was. The spiral began with cutting-we saw the school psychologist, worked on her self esteem, her weight had always been an issue for her. The cutting stopped, but soon after she started disengaging from sports and band, next came cutting school, grades slipping, problems with kids at school including fights...I found out later that she had started drinking and using marijuana. It was tough with her be ausr like I said she was always a charming child, that charm turned into manipulation very easily. This is a girl who has had opportunity after opportunity given to her-summers in Maine with her grandparents and a great group of friends there, when she was old enough to work I got her a job at the summer camp I work at. This past summer after she failed to graduate from HS, she worked the camp and her job extended past mine. I found out she was caught working at a gentleman's club! I can't even imagine this! Out of respect for me the owner kept her on but restricted her to the camp-she left camp! More promises to clean up her act-I get her into a program at the local college where she can earn her HS diploma at the same time as taking college credits. She seems happy, proud of good grades, I got her a job there through a friend, doing well. Nope all lies! She is skipping classes again and smoking pot again! Another couple of thousand dollars down the drain. Now comes the going out all the time and me not ever sleeping! She stole my car, stole my ATM card and hundreds of dollars to get a tatoo and spend the week on the city with friends. She came home Christmas after begging and promising to go into a program. I wanted her inpatient but they won't take her because she really is "only addicted to pot". She had been clean 3 weeks now and in a 5 day a week program that I have to drive her back and forth too. It was great at first-I felt like she was becoming herself again. But now, she sleeps all the time, is throwing up a lot, and is withdrawing from me again. She refuses to call her boss to find out if she still has a job. If I throw her out she had nothing and no where to go but I do t know what to do anymore. I can't live like this.

Dianne - posted on 01/22/2013

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Hi, I have an 18 year old daughter who has moved out for the second time to live with another boyfriend. She used to be such a loving child, and we were really close. I always put her first, and bent over backwards to help her. However, four years ago she changed. Rude, arrogant, deceitful & disrispectful. At 15, we had to call the police out to look for her on more than one occasion, as she did not come home. I was pacing the house worried sick. She was bright at school, but got asked to leave 6th form twice because of not keeping up with study work. She has just wasted two years doing nothing, and has messed up, when she had a part time job. She now claims she has Bipolar and can't work, so lives off her boyfriend's student loan.
So I have had four years of hell, and apparantly I have been a bad mother & everything is my fault.
My lovely daughter is no more, and instead an imposter has taken her place. I am heartbroken

Sal - posted on 10/31/2012

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The problem with all moms on here is control! You drum into your kids the shoulds and they hate it. I lived that as a child and I hated it - all the holier than thou guilt trips. I am now 50 and have an 18 year old who is no problem to us at all - why - because I never control her. I let her get a piercing and therefore she had one, let her have a tattoo she stopped at one, let her get drunk - she had a few mad months and now drinks tea - let her sleep with boyfriend - she has stayed with lovely guy who I thin she will marry. Basically I took away all the drama and it's not fun if mom allows it !! She is sociable, loving and never gives me grief - because I respect her and I let her be - you could all learn from that

Rickie - posted on 10/18/2012

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Hi Stacy V, I just wanted to say that we know what you and your husband are going through because your situation is exactly the same as ours. Our Heart is broken and I now wake in the middle of the night and just sit up in bed wondering if she is ok and if she is sleeping well and say a quick prayer for her that she makes good decisions that day and in the days ahead. .......... Our daughter is a really bright human being even though she act with such irresponsibleness............We just dont know where we went wrong, because it sure would have had to be something we did to make her act so foolishly.

Deb - posted on 10/01/2012

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...Ok ladies; Have you heard of 'intervention?" Get your hubby to round up a couple of his friends and go get her!!!! You will never be able to live with yourself if you don't do anything. Ok this sounds a bit hollywood but, who cares! She is your kid and she may be in an illegal situation. I just know that is what I would do! Religon or not she is hanging with the wrong croud. You may have to get her away from the bad influance. This sounds so exstreame but, what else can you do. "oh, be there for her'...I tell you she is just looking for the next good time. This too shall pass!

My father was a Judge, My rebellion level was over the top! I am so glad they listened. Tough love always sound barbarek to the famillies that are not going through it. Give her some time. But, I think you should keep an eye on her. How is she getting money??

Claudia - posted on 09/27/2012

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Thank you all for posting. I have been feeling like such a failure because of my 18 year old daughter and I am so ready to tell her that she needs to leave. I have had problems with her since middle school (sexting). In High school came the pot smoking, drinking & promiscuity. She has 2 younger sisters who have been along for the roller coaster ride & seeing the affects on them is killing me. To make things worse it is affecting my parents because they let her live at their home (but I see her & am there everyday because I work out of a home office with my dad). I have MS & have been separated from their dad for 2 years now. I did get her involved in dance & everyone in that community loves her & thinks she is the most wonderful kid, but that's because they don't know how she is at home. She tells us to f... Off, disrespects my mother, the list goes on. Dance has really helped to keep her busy, THANK GOD. I really wanted her to go away to college, but she chose to stay & I know I must sound awful, but I was so very ready for her to go away. She now feels she is 18 & she should be able to do whatever she wants. I told her she could as long as she was not living under one of our roofs & that she was going to have to pay for all her expenses, dance classes, phone, etc. she did not come home last weekend & my parents did not back me up on ultimatum about following rules or she was out so she has one more shot. This situation is like a ticking time bomb & I am so ready to give up. Grateful to be able to vent.

Sandra - posted on 09/20/2012

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I was looking on this site to see if other parents who raised their daughter in a Christian home had troubles. We have a daughter who is 18. We love her very much but she has turned away from the morals we brought her up to know and feels she should be able to do anything she wants with no boundaries or she will move out. She has gone from guy to guy and is now going out with a 24 year old, 6 years older than her. We are praying a lot for her. It breaks our heart but we always remember that she is marked as a child of God as we gave her to God when she was little. It's hard sometimes to pray when you are in the middle of this and the hurt is there day after day. When she is home, she isolates herself from us and she doesn't want us to be a part of her life. She feels to confide in a guy she met a week ago over her parents who have loved and cared for her all her life. Very unfair? Definately! Very embarrasssing? For sure! Get other people to pray for her. My extended family are praying and calling into prayer organizations to pray as well. She is not a happy girl even though she pretends she is. How can you be when you disrespect your family and lie all the time? We are just praying she won't have too much baggage once she hits rock bottom. Also wants to move out. She graduated with high honors and all her education plans for the future are gone. Just a note of encouragement:) Even though we don't see God moving in their lives He is. We just have to believe. It is a strain on a marriage but my husband came before she did so I need to be careful not to allow the strain of her life, to negatively influence our marriage. Hope this helps:)

Faith - posted on 09/17/2012

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I am living this. Not with a daughter, but a niece. we took her in to finish high school, because her threat to her parents at 15 as she was quitting school at 16.



She;s really very sweet,on the surface .drugs and alcohol did not appear to be involved though her father thought it had been a problem at 13-14...but she always wanted to go stay with friends..which I tried to control, and after telling her she could NOT date the 19 years old almost 20 year old she was sexting with- yeah I found it on my computer( she was 15 at that point), she went behind my back and her parents let her date him, while home there for the summer. then she didn't tell me until Thanksgiving.This yahoo was calling my home phone whenever she ran out of minutes for her cellphone- which she bought and didn't tell me and then had her parents paying for! And then everyone got in my face- and said I was responsible for her( guardianship) and HAD to let her continue school. so the rules were- she had chores. she had to get good grades..she dumped the guy played lacrosse and finished high school. Said she wanted to go to school here, not at home ( another state) so i agreed.



Her birthday was in July (18)and her father gave her a car a week later. and that;s when all hell broke loose.



she has lied about everything she is doing- though she does have 2 part time jobs. she is not in school. she has no intention of going to school!



After the first round I said- well it's up to you whom you date even if he is 26. bring him here for us to meet him, give me his cell and address....



and she went right back to lying about where she was, including saying she had to go home to her parents' for work on the car.....to have her nights and weekends not just dating, but staying with him. nice if you can do what you want, have everything you need paid for, and feel no responsibility to your family at all- in her case 2 families.....so i took about 3 days to get everyone;s take on this, and it still ended up after- you have a choice. you;ve lost your friends because you lied and used them, you;ve lied to us, but if you are going to go to school, and simply come home every night....that;s it, no rules on dating etc...well after"oh hell no" I sent her out the door. mom wanted to use my phone and I told her it meant all privileges were revoked.So no one is speaking to me.she even lied to me, said her phone was broken and she needed a new one( we bought her a new one for graduation)..she was out of minutes! her mom told me that! AND..we found a bottle of vodka in her room. so it's all gone to you know what. she really thinks she has "rights" and i think it will take being harmed or jailed to wake her up to what is happening.



I'm hurt and sick- physically sick, but allowing a child to play grown up in such dangerous ways is beyond me. the most important thing to yank was any financial support. add to that that in our state, her reckless driving charge will get her license suspended next month- she;ll probably keep on driving as my brother seems unable to say no to anything...she may end up back there, though now she is with the boyfriend...and if her parents don;t have rules, this will continue to escalate. I hoped to shock her- I hope a taste of reality will make her go home to her parents!.



You cannot allow dangerous, willful, immoral behavior, and condone it by giving financial support to a child ( 18 is still only partially adult) yes, things change at 18 and again at 21, but a family deserves peace and safety..all of you..not just the willful wanna be adult.



Just praying is not enough- and I had no chance to correct things when she was younger.We did give her every opportunity to succeed, to learn to go to work and play sports and go on FFA trips....this was not a case of us "clamping down" on her. Drugs sex and country music..from potential college student to being nothing but a party girl and managing to clerk in a storel



I think as awful as it is, if we don't deal with our own fears, and needs, and focus strictly on what behavior is acceptable in our homes....they will always find ways around, ways to get us to give in...so let go. give them exactly what they asked for!

Grace - posted on 04/12/2012

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I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through with your daughter. No matter how "grown up" our kids are, we will always be their parents and will always be concerned for their well-being and safety. Have you ever considered talking with a counselor? A good counselor can give you some solid advice to help you walk through this difficult time. I work for Focus on the Family, and I know they have counselors there that can talk to you by phone (at no cost). If you think this option might be helpful to you, I encourage you to give them a call at 1-(855)-771-HELP (4357).

In the meantime, you can be assured that I'll be praying for you AND for your daughter. Hang in there, friend. God bless you and your family.

Julie - posted on 04/06/2012

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We also have an 18 yr old senior in h.s. daughter who left home almost a week ago. She comes home before or after school, when we are at work, to get clothes, eat, shower, do laundry. She has been difficult since we adopted her at age 10. She has not really bonded with us, and has the attitude she should be able to do whatever she wants. She really has never liked us or wanted to be with us. For the past 3 years or so she had a fairly steady bf who she spent every spare moment with. They recently broke up for about the 4th time. They smoked pot and likely did other drugs and alcohol. Now she recently has a new bf who we don't know but appears to have the same drug habits. She typically would be pretty good about getting home by 10 - 10:30 pm on school nights, and midnight - 1 am on Fri-Sat, unless she stayed overnight someplace, which was pretty much every weekend. She really was only here to sleep. She would follow these rules until she wanted something more and we said "no". And the few times we have said "no" she gets mad and leaves. In the past she has left home for 2-4 days, but usually comes back. She has never had consequences for this behavior; we have we simply allowed her to come back. She has a part-time job and a car. She gets good grades in school. She will help with chores around the house when I ask her for help, but she does them fast and sloppy and when I am not home. She has made it a point to be gone by the time I get home from work. The reason she left this time is because she asked if she could stay out until 10:30 on a school night, and we said ok, but she had to be home by 10:30. She didn't get home on time. We sent her a text that she needed to come home and she was disrespectful in her replies, saying things like, chill out, fricken get off my back, etc. We got mad because she was being disrespectful in her texting with us, so I told her I was going to turn her phone off, and I did. She came home at 11:15 and discovered her phone no longer worked. She stomped around the house and told us she was leaving. Stomped around some more and again said she was leaving. I finally said, "then go". She left and we haven't seen her since. We made her buy her own car, and recently had the title put into her name. We pay for her cell phone and car insurance. She spends every cent she makes on stuff she wants, going out to eat, and likely drugs. We feel that our rules are not outrageous...we don't want our kids smoking pot or doing drugs, not anywhere, but especially not in our house. We want to be treated with respect and to respect the house rules. She will be sweet and nice when she wants something, and a holy terror when she doesn't get what she wants. We don't know where she is staying, but she gets her brother (who we also adopted and is in the same grade but not her biological brother) involved by having him bring her things, and letting her know if we are home or not. It's emotionally draining to deal with a trouble teen. We are at a point where we know she doesn't like it here and we think that maybe the best thing for everyone is if she finds a new place to live. I was really hoping we could get through the school year, and summer, until she goes to college, if she decides to do that. This situation is a strain on our marriage, because we don't trust her to leave the house for the weekend together, as we are concerned she will have a party when we are gone and then we will be responsible if something happens. It seems that there are a lot of kids on drugs in our middle -to upper-middle class suburb. And kids have an attitude that they are entitled to whatever they want and that parents should pay for it. I don't mind buying things for my kids, but I won't do it if they are disrespectful.

Meme - posted on 04/04/2012

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I raised 5 daughters alone, there comes a time when you have to let go. As harsh as it sounds let her go ,if she falls on her face and needs someone to pick her up ...be there. No matter how well you raise your children they are going to be who they are...even when it breaks your heart!

Be there for her when she needs you emotionaly ...she made her choices and she will go home when and if she chooses to do ...do not try to force her it will only push her further away. Again a harsh reality do NOT allow her to use you by supporting her financially, this is one of the biggest mistakes you could make! And do not allow her to come home for a few weeks and then back out the door , again as much as you want her home do not allow her to use you...and if she does come home it's your home it's your rules or she finds another place to live...period!

Stacy - posted on 04/04/2012

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I knew this site was a blessing! I am blown away by all the supportive responses my post has received! Thank you so much for all the advice and encouragement coming my way :) It is a relief to know I am not alone in my pain and suffering. My family is loving and supportive, but I do not feel like they really know my pain like maybe another MOM:).... Thank you all so much and I will pray for each and every one of us. My prayer will be that GOD watches over our children during their rebellious times and that he eases our painful hearts and minds.

Tracy - posted on 03/31/2012

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HI



I read your note and boy do the "others" in our kids lives make all of our lives more difficult. My daughter has a whole host of new friends, all good kids, great in school, but have attitiudes and now so does mine. We have been talking and it is getting better, but she still is living away from home.

Be aware that anything you tell her you will do, if she doesn't follow your rules, you will have to make good on. Are you prepared to remove her from the home? You say that if she lives at home, she has to follow your rules, are you really willing to enforce that? I only ask because kids will always call your bluff. I long ago learned that one the hard way.

Keep talking to her, not much else you can do. She knows that you love her and she will again find her brains. They get shoved out of the way by their hormones, they do seem to find them, their brains, by about 25. Sorry its a long wait I know.

My late husband once said to me, Is this something that will matter in 5 years? If the answer is yes then stand your ground and fight for what you believe in, if it won't matter 5 years from now, let it go. More effort than value in fighting this battle.

Good luck with your daughter and I hope that this cretin that she brought home will go away and leave you all alone.

Eileen - posted on 03/28/2012

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Wow, its so sad that so many of us are going through similiar problems with either our sons or daughters. I have a 18 year old daughter whom her and I well I thought we were very close. Good student a senior in high school, had a part-time job until recently, but quit do to unfair treatment that both her father and I agreed it was best for her to get out of.

She dated this boy I believe two years ago, oh love we all know that. Yea, he would come in my house not even say hello or acknowledge anybody but my daughter. I let it go for a while then said something to my daughter that this was not right. My parents would be over sitting at the kitchen table talking with me he would come over and not say nothing. Not hello, kiss my butt, what is wrong here. My daughter never hung with her girlfriends or other guy friends on count mr. jealously did not like. He would call here asking me where she was, like get a life. She finally realized she didnt want to be treated like this broke up with him oh maybe two times. At the end she was lieing going over his house. Again the 3rd time it was then done. Least I thought. Here she came to me oh about three weeks ago telling me she wanted to be friends just friends. I flet it was a bad idea, but she being 18 I knew I could not stop it. She has gone out with him every Friday and just being friends this past Friday I saw her kissing him and noticed a hickey on her neck, yea just friends ok. I was so upset and felt betrayed and hurt that she would get back with him. We are hardly speaking and she told my mom her grandmother that she is 18 and will make her own decisions and if she wants to see him she will. She knows how I as well as the whole family feels, but still continues to want to be with this idiot. He has no future, nothing against working in a warehouse, but that is what he does no intention on going to college. I do not like him at all. And, of course, I have caught her in some lies since. Without him she is so different. I am at wits end myself so I know what you other moms are going through what do I do?? Lost and hurt and confused what to do! I told her as long as she lives under my roof she will obey our rules.

Heather - posted on 03/18/2012

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I have had similar problems with my 17 year old. He was doing drugs and selling things from our home to get drugs. I made him leave. He was gone for three days and two nights. He came home and asked if he could move back in. We made a contract together and we both signed it. Things haven't been perfect since then and I am scared of what will happen when he does turn 18. But like others said, pray. I told my son, if you want to better your life with education and employment, I am behind you, but if you want to do nothing and throw your life away....I can't do it. I love you too much to watch you do that, so you will have to do that outside of this house. You can't let what is happening be a reflection of you and your parenting. There are outside influences and she has free will. I told my son, if you ever get in a situation that you want out of, you can call me. Just let her know that you love her and pray for the God to protect her.

Kat - posted on 03/15/2012

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The first thing that I would suggest is try and regain her trust somehow. Maybe a few meetings away from the house. Talk with her openly and see if she is willing to tell you why she left. And ya know this may take a few times. I wouldn't bring up drugs or drinking as she may go into defence mode right off the bat. I would definately let her know how much you love and care about her. Ask her what her plans are for the future, maybe bring her a notebook that she can do some brainstorming. Something along the way caused her to leave. If you can get her to open up about it....maybe just maybe you can compromise so you know she is in a safe place and can finish school. Some areas have alternative schools for kids like your daughter where they are behind and feel apprehensive about going back to the general population. Don't push too much...do a lot of listening and make sure she knows how important she is to you and that you are open to help her and open to listen to what her needs are. Just as hard as it is for you it is most likely 100 times harder fo her to come out and talk to you. If she was closest to you, you should be the one she meets with. If it is dad or an older brother they should be the ones. Don't make it a huge intervention as this probably will scare her away. Remember this is about listening to her and getting her to try and finish school and beinga productive citizen. I think a lot of young people get to that age and get a streak of independance. Once they get a taste they forget what's important and sometimes its very hard to reel them back in. I truly wish you the best of luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers! Remember one step at a time :)

Debbie - posted on 03/13/2012

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All I can say is if you have been praying for God to bring her back then fully put your trust in Him & let Him have his way with working in her life. I used to start to panic when my daughter was out passed her curfew & wouldn't answer her cell phone. I would start praying for her safety & for her to call or txt me. Within anywhere from 15,20 mins to a half hour my phone would buzz & it would be her asking me if I could come pick her up. Today we have all made it she is married & has an awesome little boy. Just trust the Lord, if you have given her up to the Lord He will watch over her, & remember in His time. Keep praying!!

Sheila - posted on 03/11/2012

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I just joined this group and you were the first note I saw. I feel for you because I have gone through some of the same things. It was years ago, and it was my son. He also dropped out of school at 18. He was raised in a Christian home too. As parents we do the best we can and pray a lot. My son as all kids that have some of these problems get mixed up with the wrong people. I feel it is almost like being brain washed, their so call friends tell them how terrible we are as parents because we don't want them to have fun or a life. Our kids believe them, they turn on us... but we are still the first ones they call when they run into trouble. Advice is hard to take because it's not what we want to here. We love our children and want the best for them but at the time they are going through these issues and don't want to let us in, there is really nothing you can do. They have to hit rock bottom and figure it out for themselves, we can't make them see or understand they are messing up their life. We are the enemy to them. All you can do is be there when she calls you, listen and pray. But, very important, DO NOT GIVE HER MONEY!!! If she is hungry, take her food if you have to, but no money. She may even tell you she is sick and needs money to buy med's, still don't give her money ( go buy the med's and take them to her ) she may or may not be sick. My son was good at that. It took me a while to figure that one out. As soon as I started saying I will get the med's and bring them to you he would say " I'll call you back etc." the call never came. He finally stopped calling for money for food too because he knew I would just bring him food instead of money. They will try anything to get money. After a while my son did better for a while but he kept falling back to the same old stuff. We went through this for years before I finally had enough and had to stop taking calls for awhile. It will drive you crazy if you let it. As a parent you do not do your child any favors by bailing them out of their troubles. They have to do it them self. My son is now 37 and he is still living a very hard life. I talk to him on the phone but have not seen him in close to 6 yrs. He left here after a divorce and said he would never come back to this state, he hasn't. He had a bad marriage but a lot of it was his issues as well as hers. You have heard of tough love, well, that's part of it, you have to practice tough love but you still have to be there with open arm. I think in most cases the kids after a rough time of it they open their eyes and get back on track. In my son's case, it didn't happen. Another part of this is, if you have other children at home, you have to protect them from all this. I had a son 9 yrs. younger than him and he saw all the trouble and I thought he would learn from that and never give us a problem because it scared him so bad to see his brother the way he was. Well, that's not how it worked. He loved his brother so much it killed him to have him home and when he did come around he hung on every word and thing he did. As the years went by and my other son was in high school he started sneaking off to hang out with his brother... should I say more... yes the same thing started happening with my other son. After some time my younger son started opening his eyes and saw that his brother was not good for him. Family is family but sometime you have to break away for your own sake. On the other hand my daughter tuned out great and she is a year and half older than her brother and they were very, very close. I will pray for you and your daughter. The best advice I have is to love her and let her fall on her face and don't pick her up. As said as it makes me I will tell you, I did have to let my son go to jail and not bail him out. If you help them, they will bleed you dry and it will cause a lot of trouble in you marriage and the rest of your family. I know this isn't what you were hoping to hear, I'm sorry. I didn't want to hear it either. I made a lot of mistakes trying to get them to stop living the life style they were and the more I tried the more they would fight me on it. Good luck

Tracy - posted on 03/11/2012

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Welcome to my world. It came crashing in last Friday evening. My 17 and a half year old daughter had up and moved out while I was on a holiday that she and a friend sent me on. It had been a rough year since the death of my husband to brain cancer. We had fought hard with it for 5 and a half years. My daughter and best friend bought me the ticket and everything, My daughter told me she would take care of everything at home and not to worry. She told me she was more than capable of taking care of her 15 and a half year old sister and the house, said she was almost 18 and would be leaving for university in the fall. She laughed at my worries and told me to relax.



Came home to find out she left right after I did and hadn't been home the whole time. When I tried to contact her via phone or text, she told me she needed some time away to think and needed a break from the stress at home.



Now I have no idea where she is. She rarely replies to my texts or requests to meet somewhere neutral to talk. I am trying to handle this, but not doing so well.



Her younger sister has some classes with her and is afraid to go because she will loose it and start to cry.



The one that is missing is an honour roll student with a 98.5 average, accepted at every university she applied to and has offers of scholarships already pending. Now I find out that she missed most of her classes the week I was away. I am so hurt and confused and don't know what to do next. She's too old to drag home, and even if I did, I am pretty sure she would go right out back the door, I feel that she has all of the control here and I am at her mercy. If I take back control and tell her that she is not going to run our lives this way, she is just the type to say "fine" and walk away for good. Any ideas? So to answer your question, I know how you feel and you are not alone. We are all here for you. And thats not just talk.

Shalonda - posted on 03/08/2012

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I too am a mother of a 17yo who will turn 18 during her Sr yr. I am afraid of her making the same mistakes I did.. I am a very intelligent woman who happened to get pregnant my sr yr. I finished high school & some college but did not graduate from college. I always had the help of my parents but my daughters father who later became my husband (we are now seperated 2yrs) was not the best choice for me. I couldn't see that until of the constant same thing over & over. As a child I say I needed to make my own mistakes. As a mother I'm torn because there is nothing I can do but let her experience what she needs to experience. My daughter has moved in with my mother to be closer to school & I thought that my mom could raise her to be responsible as me. I was never a real danger to myself & I was impressed than I didn't turn out worst. My mom has gotten my daughter involved in Christ G I have been too. If your daughter knows God & is a child of God she has to go throught this. God will NOT give her more than she can handle. This is her test in life. Be there when she discovers her mistakes. Not to say I told you so but to be a shoulder to cry on...

Shalonda - posted on 03/08/2012

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I too am a mother of a 17yo who will turn 18 during her Sr yr. I am afraid of her making the same mistakes I did.. I am a very intelligent woman who happened to get pregnant my sr yr. I finished high school & some college but did not graduate from college. I always had the help of my parents but my daughters father who later became my husband (we are now seperated 2yrs) was not the best choice for me. I couldn't see that until of the constant same thing over & over. As a child I say I needed to make my own mistakes. As a mother I'm torn because there is nothing I can do but let her experience what she needs to experience. My daughter has moved in with my mother to be closer to school & I thought that my mom could raise her to be responsible as me. I was never a real danger to myself & I was impressed than I didn't turn out worst. My mom has gotten my daughter involved in Christ G I have been too. If your daughter knows God & is a child of God she has to go throught this. God will NOT give her more than she can handle. This is her test in life. Be there when she discovers her mistakes. Not to say I told you so but to be a shoulder to cry on...

Linda - posted on 03/08/2012

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Hi Stacy, I think I was supposed to read your message today. I'm at my wits end with my now 18 year old daughter..I'm only ONE step from where you are.. Mine wants all the freedoms of living with us but does not want to follow any rules. She actually thinks we should allow her to smoke pot and have pot in her house, she feels it's her life, she thinks she shouldn't have a curfew, she's also a senior with just a few months to graduation. She has no job, why? because they all drug test now! We don't know what to do because we feel she is emotionally blackmailing us.. if we let her do what she wants she finishes school, if we don't she's out there where we have no control. I feel completely lost.. This morning I found another home made bong in her room and it wasn't hidden, it was right there out in open, she says she is coming home to pack and move out. Not with our car she is not and she feels we should let her have the car and continue to pay for her cell phone? How far do I go to keep her at home?? I know it's not likely you will have an answer for me in 10 min LOL nor I any advice for you..but I do feel your pain and share it. It cuts very deep and it hurts like hell. :(



Wishing you the best and hoping things work out for you.

Shawnn - posted on 03/08/2012

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You have my sympathy, but your daughter is 18, and in the US, at least, a legal adult, whether she's graduated High school or not.



She's made these choices for herself. All you can do is make sure she knows that she's welcome back home without any recriminations if she comes back, and that you love her and worry about her, and are praying for her.



You cannot force her home, nor should you try. You cannot pick her roomates/housemates. She's trying her wings now, and she'll either come back on her own, or not, but either way, you should support her (emotionally, morally, but NOT financially)

Brandi - posted on 03/08/2012

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I know that she is your baby , and your frightened that she will get hurt . Did you try sitting down with her and asking her if there is anything bothering her ? If not you should definetly give that a chance . If you do decide to do this don't judge her , just listen to what she has to say . She is probably just as scared as you are and needs a solid friend. And honestly who is a better friend then her own mom .

Cathy - posted on 03/07/2012

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I am going through the same thing only I thought everything was alright, she left 6 days after her birthday while I was out of town and her Dad was asleep. I've been told she's staying with a younger girl I don't know, she was also seeing a boy. My daughter had been through alot and is currently taking prozac, am very worried and heart-broke, but she will stay in school, she's in the top 10 and believes academics is her only achievement, she's always been different and didn't fit in well, has not had many friends. I don't know how to tell you to look at my post that I just finished(1st one) it's quite long. I have a lot of people praying for her and have told her she can be and do anything just come home until she leaves for college in 5 months.

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