MY 18 YEAR OLD IS A MONSTER

Andrea - posted on 09/12/2012 ( 33 moms have responded )

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Hi my daughter does exactly what she wants ( in May wrote 3 checks

from my checking account). Yesterday she said " you are verbally

abusive' just like your parents" She has lied to me told me she

was going to San Diego and went to Colorado instead with her

boyfriend. Our relationship is destroyed and I am a single Mom.

She wants her weekly money after acting like a complete B----

and I do NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO????????



Helppppppppppppp ???????

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 09/19/2012

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I didn't go to those extremes but I turned into a monster when I was 18...and my parents kicked me out on my a$$. She's gonna need the same wakeup call.

Do you have the gonads to do that?

Janey - posted on 09/12/2012

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First, as a teacher, I will tell you that your child's brain is still developing. It's not unusual for teenagers to behave in irrational, inconsiderate, and seemingly off-the-deep-end ways and then turn out fine. Some are easy all the way through, but many are not.



The temptation is to assume that your child is going to end up in jail, pregnant, with HIV, and tattoes across her forehead. But, that is unlikely. She could do all that, but don't jump to conclusions. Try to treat her in a very calm manner, take her out for outings that are inexpensive but sort of "trap" her with you for a few hours while you don't really address the issues, just so she knows she can be with you without having to "deal" with everything every time. At another time afterward, say, "Hey, would you like a (ice cream soda, or whatever she likes) and take her out to a coffee shop or ice cream shop and just chat calmly. Say, "I know we've had some rough spots, but I want to start over. I want to get to know you as an adult, and I want you to interact with me as an adult. Would that work for you?"



Then, take one thing at a time, and easy does it. She knows she is legally an adult and you can't legally stop her from doing many things. It's reasonable to ask her to get a job and do it in a way that is calm and say you're proud of her for being all grown up and excited to see her working in her first job. Ask about the boyfriend even if you can't stand him, acting as though he is a fine, upstanding young man. You have to accept him to some degree to keep her.



Easy does it, give her responsibility in a positive way, breathe deeply, and have faith. She will grow through this, and your job is to stay connected so you are there for her when she needs you. She will make mistakes, but let her do that to some degree without rubbing it in.



Hope this helps. Been there as a single parent and dealt with a lot of teenagers and college students professionally too.

Shawnn - posted on 09/12/2012

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Um, she's an adult. If she wants "weekly money" she can darn well work for it.



Ok, first of all, I wouldn't have let it get to this stage, but that's me. And, if I WERE in this situation with my 18 YO (I'm not, but if I were...) here's what I'd do:



Present her with a bill for room/board/utilities. Tell her that terms of payment can be discussed, but that she does owe you x amount for past due items, beginning when she turned 18. And her future months will be paid up front by the 5th of each month.



She's 18, so you can't control who she travels with, nor where she travels to. That's life. its a hard adjustment when they turn 18, trust me, I've gone the gamut of "how do I treat him now that he's an adult".



My 18 YO has a job. He pays me a monthly amount for room and board. I don't demand that he tells me everything about his whereabouts, but I do respectfully request that he keep me "in the loop", so that I don't worry if he's not home at his usual time. He buys his own extras, and I respect his privacy. I do ask that he help around the house, with daily chores, animals, etc, but that's part of his contribution to the house, in lieu of higher room and board.



When you present her with this billing, and the new requirements for living in your home, do it as a contract. Stipulate the conditions under which she'll be allowed to remain. When she hollers ABUSE (which she will, this generation is really good at crying abuse for no reason), you calmly point out to her that, in the US, 18 is a legal adult, and therefore she's subject to terms and conditions of a contract, which you are more than willing to work out with her to the best interest of both of you.

Valerie - posted on 09/17/2012

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Just a few notes I feel I must say- especially from the "ex-probation" officer- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? DON'T get help from the police????? I have 2 out of control teens.. I put them through drug rehab, in-patient and out--patient, I moved into a "better" neighborhood and left my husband, I did everything I you stated .... and THEN SOME.. NONE of that works.. if a person (child- 18 or not) WANTS to live that lifestyle, they will. You can move them to a remote island in the tripical islands, and if they want to find drugs, alcohol,stealing, etc., then they will find it. Your post is not realistic.. this isn't a dream world filled with unicorns and rainbows... wake up!!! A person (your own child or not) stealing checks and writing them? THAT's a CRIMINAL act!!!! You shouldn't allow a stranger or your child do that to you!! If they do that to a family member, imagine what they are doing to strangers? Stop the behavior WITH THE HELP of the police!!! If not, they will know they can do whatever they want without real consequences!!! Being an "ex-probation officer", you should konw better! I communicate with my children's probaiton officers on a daily basis, we attend weekly counseling and meetings, I do what I have to do BEFORE they turn 18 (in a year) so that hopefully they DON'T end up in "real jail" versus juvenile hall!! WAKE UP!!!! HELP your daughter.. don't be the one to enable her.. that will make both of you worse in the long run!

CORINNE - posted on 09/28/2012

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Weekly money??????????????????

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

GET A J-O-B.

KICK HER ASS OUT!

SHE IS 18!

LET HER LIVE IN HER CAR!

IT IS TOUGH LOVE AND YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TOUGH ENOUGH ON HER!!!

SHE NEEDS TO SHOW YOU R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

BUCK UP MOM!

TELL HER THERE IS A NEW MOM IN TOWN AND THIS BEHAVIOR STOPS TODAY OR ELSE!

THEN DO WHAT YOU SAY.

DO NOT BACK DOWN, DO NOT GO SOFT!

END OF STORY!

SHE WILL CHANGE OR LEAVE YOUR HOME!

PRESS CHARGES ON HER AS THAT IS CALLED KITING AND IS A FELONY CHARGE!



I TOO WAS A SINGLE MOM WITH TWO BOYS AGES 11 AND 1 1/2 WHEN I DIVORCED THEIR DRUNK FATHER! I HAD TO GET TOUGHER THAN I ALREADY WAS AND BOY DID MY OLDEST CHALLENGE ME AT FIRST. SO I BECAME GENERAL GEORGE S. PATTON! AND HE CHANGED HIS TUNE REAL FAST! I STILL CAN DO DRILL SERGEANT MODE!!

MY BOYS BOTH TOWER OVER ME IN HEIGHT!



DO NOT SHOW FEAR!

YOU ARE IN CONTROL!

GAIN IT BACK FOR GOOD!

STOP BEING A PUSH OVER!

SHE IS NOT TOO BIG TO HAVE A GOOD OLD FASHIONED PADDLING!

ANY QUESTIONS?

REALLY JUST ASK.

MY BOYS NOW 25 AND 15 BOTH HAVE THANKED ME FOR BEING TOUGH ON THEM WHEN NEEDED!!!

MY YOUNGEST TOLD ME HE HOPES I'M STILL ALIVE WHEN HE HAS KIDS!

I DO HAVE 3 YR OLD GRAND DAUGHTER WHOM I HAVE TALKED INTO SHAPE!!!!

I ACTUALLY MAKE THEM SAY "YES MAM OR YES SIR NOW TO MY HUSBAND!'

AND I ALWAYS, MAKE THEM SAY IT LIKE THEY MEAN IT! SO THEY SAY IT TWICE!

MY FRIENDS CALL ME TO COME OVER AND STRAIGHTEN THEIR KIDS OUT AND HELP THEM ON WHAT TO DO AND SAY!



SO IF YOU NEED TO JUST ASK!



GOOD LUCK

CORINNE BALANTE

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33 Comments

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Andrea - posted on 10/17/2012

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Actually that I will NOT do........we have starting loving again. EVERONE makes mistakes

she is been working and trying her best in school. I have f ...... up too. I want love and so does she:)))

Amanda - posted on 10/17/2012

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cut her off. she want to live like an adult fine let her. dont give her money dont pay for her phone bill no food no clothinig kick her out. let her figure it out. change your account and get a new one and let her figure it out and when she comes back freaking out its hard then you did it.. it works trust me...

Kelly - posted on 10/06/2012

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ahhh if she has graduated i would boot her butt to the curb if she does not follow the rules under your roof. Weekly money? NO WAY!! Get a job kid. If she was mine she would not be getting a penny from me for two reasons her age and ability to work and her behavior. Keep things under lock and key. If she is not making good choices then you need to control everything you can.

CORINNE - posted on 09/28/2012

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Her dad dying when she was six (6) has NOTHING to do with her BAD BEHAVIOR NOW!

YOU HAVE TO BE BOTH MOM AND DAD TO HER!

GET TOUGH!

AND GAIN YOUR DAUGHTER BACK! in time!

TRUST ME SHE WILL THANK YOU LATER.



I NEVER REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR.

SOMETIMES KIDS WILL DO BAD THINGS FOR ATTENTION.

ANY ATTENTION WILL DO, GOOD OR BAD!

IT IS ATTENTION.

REWARD HER FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR ONLY!

IGNORE HER FOR ANY BAD ATTENTION.



BUT TELL HER FIRST .....IF YOU DO (BAD BEHAVIOR __________ OR BAD BEHAVIOR______ I WILL NOT BE CONDONING!)



IF YOU DO ( GOOD BEHAVIOR_____________________ THEN I WILL ACKNOWLEDGE YOU FOR THAT!)



AND IF SHE IS RECEIVING SOME SORT OF MONEY FROM HER DAD'S DEATH THAT CAN BE PUT IN A TRUST OR HANDLED IN A DIFFERENT WAY BASED ON HOW SHE BEHAVES!



TALK TO AN ATTORNEY AND GET FREE ADVICE ON THAT.



IF COUNSELING DID NOT HELP THEN IT IS YOUR BEHAVIOR MOM THAT HAS ALLOWED HER TO GET AWAY WITH THIS BEHAVIOR. IT IS TIME YOU MAKE HER TOW THE LINE!



GOOD LUCK.

CORINNE BALANTE

Shawnn - posted on 09/17/2012

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Janey, I'm glad you mentioned staying with them...I'll let you know how ours go, and then you can try!



Ladies, sorry for the off topic ;-)

Joy - posted on 09/17/2012

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Your daughter will always be your daughter, however she is an adult. Tell her she has 30 days to get a job & find a place to live. You should not put up with tantrums from an 18-year old. Don't fall into the guilt trap she is playing you because you tolerate it. Tough love is sometimes the best & only love!

Kumari Ghafoor - posted on 09/15/2012

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Wow that is alot. Sounds like boundaries and respect has been lost. Have you guys tried counseling? Is her dad around?

Janey - posted on 09/14/2012

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Shawnn,



Make sure you have the kind of scissors you can use to cut the thing off quickly of anyone starts to pass out or feels it is too tight. Never leave that person alone, and make sure they pee, etc. and don't drink eat much before because using the bathroom might not be possible or easy for the duration, depending on which part you're on. I think you start at the top. But, keep them company and have the scissors.



I so wish to do this.



Janey

Janey - posted on 09/14/2012

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Shawnn,



Make sure you have the kind of scissors you can use to cut the thing off quickly of anyone starts to pass out or feels it is too tight. Never leave that person alone, and make sure they pee, etc. and don't drink eat much before because using the bathroom might not be possible or easy for the duration, depending on which part you're on. I think you start at the top. But, keep them company and have the scissors.



I so wish to do this.



Janey

Shawnn - posted on 09/14/2012

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Janey, it's funny that you mentioned duct tape dressmakers dummies...LOL...my MIL, SIL and I are making a couple, one for MIL, and one for me...We're researching the method now, but I think it'll be a fun project

Andrea - posted on 09/14/2012

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wish I had more friends he was my gay husband and brother (

you are so sweet Shawnn,,,,,Thank you :)

Janey - posted on 09/14/2012

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When you say, "You told me to get my own life. I did," you don't have to say it harshly. Say it sweetly. Go over to her and hug her and say it. Then, say, "Aren't you proud of me? Let me tell you what I've been doing." Share some fun new thing you have been up to. Be interesting so she can start to see you as someone other than her mom. Let her see you as a cool person. Not cool trying to be a teenager, but cool as in interesting.

Janey - posted on 09/14/2012

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All parents, please note: Never call the police on your child. Well, if they are coming after you with a knife, then yeah. But, in general, it is a huge mistake to call the police on your children.



I speak as a former juvenile probation officer, mind you. What happens, even if you drop charges, is that your child is now associated with the system. They will in part identify with it. They will meet kids who are in it. They will get used to going to a probation officer. This is NOT what you want.



Even though there are some kids who are not too messed up in that system, there are some very messed up kids there. You don't want your kids involved at all. You don't want the police to know your child or the school to be aware that there is an issue with your child that involves the police or crime.



When I was an officer, which was briefly because it was sort of a fluke I ended up there, there were a few kids on my role who were dangerous to their families. Very few. Most were not. I am not completely sure that those kids really needed to be in juvenile probation anyway. They both truly needed to in a mental healthy institution. The rest of the kids mostly needed to be in different environments--different neighborhoods, different parenting, different schooling situation.



You would be better off to look at private solutions such as family counseling, individual counseling, very engaging extracurricular activities, work that they love, exercise and sports, etc. If you can afford it, think of taking her on a cool vacation somewhere far from home. Camping is also good and it's inexpensive. Take her to a cheap lunch and have her across from her. Just have light talk. Don't be intense. You are building your relationship.



As for the checks, put them and other valuables in a safe, and work out a repayment plan with her, with interest. Then, tell her if she does it in a certain period of time, you will give her the interest. Then, make it a business type thing and don't dwell on it.



Rebuild your relationship, but let her see that you have your own life. Become more interesting with a class, a hobby, a dance step or whatever. Actually, if you can get her to do a hobby such as pottery, sewing etc. with you and it's cool and hip, that might be a great way to reconnect.



You can make your own fit dummies with duct tape and other materials. Look at patternreview.com for "duct tape dummies." Tell her you need her help and do one for you first, and then ask her if she wants you to do one for her. They are really fun and then show her how to "drape" her dummie to make up her own styles. This could be really fun for you both.

Shawnn - posted on 09/14/2012

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Oh, Andrea, I'm so sorry to hear that.



Dress for success is a great program, though, and I'm glad you have something to occupy you.

Andrea - posted on 09/14/2012

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thanks ........I recently lost my very best friend so I am in grief

I do volunteer work for Dress for Success which i rewarding but I guess I have to find

something else)



Thanks so much,

Andrea

Shawnn - posted on 09/14/2012

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What is something that you've wanted to do, or missed doing since having kids? Do you like needle arts, or crafty things, or music (singing, playing), or dancing?



Have you ever wanted to learn something new? Like swing dancing, or how to knit, or pottery?



Thats how you do it! Find something that you're interested in and go for it, girl! I've recently joined a community choir, learned to knit, and am starting on a quilting adventure...all things I've wanted to do since the kids were born, but never seemed to have time for!



You can do it, I know there's something that you've wanted to do. It doesn't matter how silly, or trivial you think it may be. Girl, if you want to learn how to toss pizza just for the fun of it, go for it! It's hard when our kids grow up...I mean, hell, we've been their caregivers for 18 years! Time to find yourself again, and I know you can do it. Have fun with it!

Shawnn - posted on 09/14/2012

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I like Janey's comment...tell her "I took your advice and got a life..." It sounds bitchy and harsh, but it will hit home to her

Andrea - posted on 09/13/2012

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No I would never do that, she is my kid for better or worse.....thanks but who wants to ruin her life!!!!!

CAROLYN - posted on 09/13/2012

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DEAR SINGLE MOM,Did you file a police report against her,after all that is stealing.Then on the court date follow thru with the charges,don`t drop them,if she is old enough to do the CRIME ,then let her do the time.TOUGH LOVE,ask DR.PHIL.

Janey - posted on 09/12/2012

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As horrifying as it is to hear your barely adult and yet not really adult child be brashly rude and tell her to get your own life, it's quite common. Kids have been looking forward to the day they are 18 and "can do what they want" for most of their lives. They suddenly feel you "have no right" to tell them what to do, even though sometimes it seems they desperately need you to do so. So, harsh as it is, I would not take it personally. She will get past it. Praise her for having a job and tell her how much it means when you hear her say she loves you. Positive reinforcement PLUS not being at her beck and call, and actually having your own life when you are doing things that have nothing to do with supporting her and she has to fend for herself for small things like getting her own dinner and figuring out simple things would be good. If she complains, just say cheerfully and sweetly, "I took your advice and got my own life, and it was the best advice I ever got, but I still love you so much!" Then give her a hug.

Andrea - posted on 09/12/2012

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Thanks so much.......she has a life that she made quite clear to me and told me today " to get

one too". She has a job but she is pretty disrespectful and can be really mean. We said

I we love each other.

Andrea - posted on 09/12/2012

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Hi Rhonda thank you

I tried to call her and she will not pick up the phone. Ali is in college 45 minutes away.

I told her that we both have to say that we are sorry. She is angry that I did not give her

her $$ for the week. I have to be the bigger person but I just do not know what to do

with her attitude?

Rhonda - posted on 09/12/2012

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I think you know exactly what to do, but you just don't want to do it. You are afraid that if you start making her accountable for her actions that you will lose her. But if you look closely, you are losing her anyway, but it's not good. It is hard to establish strong boundaries when they were not there before, but she is now an adult so it is vital. You must set your "Bottom Line" just as you would with any person that takes advantage of you and treats you poorly. If she cannot live with those boundaries, she must find somewhere else to live. In this life, everyone has to follow rules and regulations to survive, your daughter included. Whether those rules are yours or those of the city she lives in, she must abide by them. You must enforce them and stay consistent. She must be made to see the results of her poor decisions and endure the consequences so she can learn the correct things to do in the future. It will not be easy, mama, but you must stand your ground and enforce your rules.

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