My 19 Yr Old Daughter-Help

Pennie - posted on 06/02/2012

I still am unsure as to why she was in the hospital, but she didn't get seen. She was there for 4 or more hours then got pissy and decided to leave. I of course drove her car since she was too exhausted or whatever it was to drive. She went to the Dr yesterday and got some anti-anxiety meds. Hopefully she will take them as prescribed. I am standing my ground about her bf not coming here and she doesn't like it. She got fired for not calling in the night she went to the hospital. She has been staying at her bf's house after he took her to the er and left her there and took off in her car for 3 hours. Sighs..I just keep thinking, one more thing and she's out of here..but I have had more than enough things and told her that if she was going to continue seeing her bf she couldnt live here due to all the drama they cause together. I realize that by not making her leave already that I am not being consistent. They break up every day it seems like. I am in a pickle :(

Amy - posted on 05/30/2012

Oh wow. I hope everything is alright! Hugs and prayers

Pennie - posted on 05/30/2012

I would like to take the time to reply but as I read this she is in the emergency room and I am not sure why. She seems ok but says she hasn't eaten or slept in two days. I will respond later.

Amy - posted on 05/30/2012

So sorry you're in the mess. I've been going through something similar with my 19 year old daughter. She's very compliant at home, but she lies, has a victim mentality, manipulates, connives, has stolen and slanders her father and I. We bend over backwards to help her get on the right path and nothing works. She has two main rules at home: always work to better yourself (ie. doing good in school etc.) and don't lie to us. She has a lot of freedom, but still finds it necessary to lie to us about everything when there's no reason to. I've nagged her for a year to get a license and she won't. I got her enrolled in college and she doesn't care. I recently caught her in yet another whopper of a lie and instead of coming home and dealing with it, she chose to ignore my calls and texts for 4 days until I threatened to call police and make a missing person's report. I knew she was ok because she was texting me right up until I caught her then it went silent.

My husband and I are now forcing her out. It's the best thing we can do for her. This is an on going problem and to not give her a wake up call will only harm her. She's never had to face real consequences for her bad decisions therefore, she never learned. Well, reality is a great teacher, but also a harsh one. Keep your chin up and stick to your guns. The easy thing to do is let them do whatever they want. It's easy on us and frankly, selfish of us. The hard thing to do is intentional parenting for their good even when it hurts us more. You'll be in my prayers.

Pennie - posted on 05/28/2012

Thank you again Jamie. Your thoughtful words have brought tears to my eyes. I have been thinking about sending her the letter..but I want to do it when, like you said, the time is right. I so appreciate your support. I hope you are having a wonderful Memorial Day and I am thankful you've taken the time to reply and advise.

Jamie - posted on 05/28/2012

Well you have one step up on your daughter you know in life, work etc. there are times you don't see eye to eye with someone but you still keep a civil attitude and tongue ~to speak your mind takes courage, to hold your tongue takes a different kind of courage, wisdom is knowing when to do either, strength is seeing it through~ You know that there is a time and place for confrontation and how to stay on track.If you have gotten to the point that you need to treat her like any other adult in your life, at arms reach, sounds by her remarks she knows about passive aggressive behaviour, then that what you will need to do.A mothers heart strings can be pulled for miles, but you don't want to teach her that's how to get what she wants in life, right so even though you are going through this she is still learning from you.

Pennie - posted on 05/28/2012

Jaime,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and support. No the car is in her name therefore there is nothing I can do. I love the letter and have been advised to write one to her. I love the way it's phrased! I also like the stupidity rubbing off on her..lol. She came back home last night to change then left and I asked "are you coming back tonight?" She said "No you don't want me living here remember?" I didn't say anything, I so wanted to say.."Then take all your belongings" but I didn't. It feels cold and heartless, but I know that it will be the best thing in the end. I know she is going to hate me, which she already does. Then she came back later on and was in her room upset..I heard her tell one of her friends "He hit me again tonight". I so do not want to push her into his arms but feel that's where she would go. This is my hesitation...sigh. She was so pleasant, called me Mommy and asked please and said thank you, we even talked for a bit. It's times like these that I know she can be my daughter..the true self. I was so amped to kick her out when she got back since she chose to be with her bf. The sad thing: I know it doesn't matter if I kick her out or not today or by the 1st she will go to him..I can no longer protect her and she has chosen SO many times to go back to him. I didn't cave last night but I did get her some icecream when she asked saying that I shouldn't be doing anything for her with the way she's treated me. She said "Great Mom way to kick me when I am down." Nothing I say goes through to her..smh

Jamie - posted on 05/27/2012

Giving her a time limit to move out is good do not back down. Is the car still registered in your name if it is and you don't need it for yourself sell it, give it to a kid that appreciates it for a dollar.
Darling daughter
I love you, that does not mean I like you right now. I love you for who you CAN be beautiful, smart, strong, energetic and caring. Which I choose to have in my home.
I don't like you when you are abusive, hateful, disrespectful, lieing, stealing and as a living human being I choose to not associate with all that negative energy. I choose not to allow it in my home so... Darling daughter if these conditions are not acceptable to you while you live in my home there's the door don't let it hit you where the good lord split ya.
My oldest daughter now 32 thought I was the most hateful heartless *itch and told anyone who would listen and her Auntie as much, my sister shouldered some of her tantrums but in the end my daughter realized Me kicking her out into the real world was the scariest thing i had to do b/c she wasn't willing to learn from me anymore. Funny how at 15 parents all of a sudden become the dullest tools in the tool box. Another saying I used was Quick move out! Before my stupidity rubs off on you and you don't know it all! When the day was coming close I reminded her that she best get on the ball and look for someplace to live b/c the YWCA fills up fast every night, when her boyfriend tried fast talking me into her staying for an extra month I said well good thing it's summer where are you going to live after the 1st of this month (in the bushes at the park) b/c you aren't living here. 8-)
Hugs MOM you are strong, this too shall pass, breath deep and stand your ground.

Pennie - posted on 05/27/2012

I so feel everything you are going through. It sounds as if we have the same daughter really. Although my daughter has been diagnosed with border line personality disorder, severe depression and refuses to take meds. She smokes fairly regularly I am sure. She wants colon-opine and swears that's the only thing that will help her...sighs. It is very hard to call the police on your own child, but I have done it and will do it again if need be, Linda you need to think of your safety and hers. She called me today acting like nothing was wrong. She doesn't know if she has a job or not now that she called out 2 days in a row with no doctors note. I have been told that by letting her live her and not having her fend for herself I am enabling her..to not take responsibility. I hope that things get better for you too, but fear that it wont until we both stand up once and for all for ourselves. I have been told so many times that kicking her out would be the best thing I could do for her..it just doesn't feel like it. Please stay in touch if you like. Good luck and remember to stand your ground otherwise she will just keep pushing..trust me I know.

Linda - posted on 05/27/2012

I'm so sorry you are going through this and I wish I had better advice. I'm going through very similar situation with my now 18 year old. she is just days from graduating and is hell bent on sabotaging it. My daughter too is also abusive but only when she is manic, she was diagnosed bipolar a few years ago and hospitalized. She has refused meds saying she doesn't believe in them but has no problem smoking pot constantly. In many ways I think pot has made things worse and she doesn't see it. Last night was the final straw, she had a huge fight with her boyfriend and became very agitated and abusive to him, myself and my husband, my husband would not let me call the cops even though she clearly needed help. I have no idea what to do as I'm sure you don't either.. Only thing I can think of is that we keep loving them but not enabling them anymore. I hope things get better for us both.