My almost 17 yr. old son just told me he has a new girlfriend and she's 13.

Kathy - posted on 02/07/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I don't know what to do about this. What would you do? Advice please!!

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Sherri - posted on 07/01/2010

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New York

§§130. 25, 130. 30, and 130. 35


Third-degree rape for anyone age 21 or older to have sexual intercourse with someone under age 17

Second-degree rape for anyone age 18 or older to engage in sexual intercourse with someone under age 15. The fact that the offender was less than four years older than the victim at the time of the act is an affirmative defense.

First-degree rape to have sexual intercourse with someone (1) less than age 11 or (2) less than age 13 if the actor is age 18 or older


Up to four years in prison

Up to seven years in prison

Five to 25 years in prison

[deleted account]

Wow. I would have him end this. There are too many serious long term legal issues that could occur with this situation. I wouldn't allow my 16 year old son to date someone that young. Besides, you don't want him attached to someone who might hold him back from enjoying going away to college someday. This whole dating thing is a difficult road for us as parents!

Angie - posted on 06/30/2010

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Bless your heart. That's a tough one. My 17 year old son doesn't have anything in common with 13 year old so I don't think this would ever happen. Just remind him that she is really too young and immature for him and he's better off dating someone his own age. It sounds like he's already coming to that conclusion on his own!

Melissa - posted on 06/30/2010

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I don't know if I would just ride this out. Statutory Rape is a very serious offense, not only punishable with jail time, but you also are permanently put on the sex offender list FOREVER, which if you don't know what that is, it means you have to report yourself to any community that you live in as a Sex Offender for the rest of your life, and your son qualifies at his age. This girl is still a child in, what, 7th grade, We went through the same thing with my nephew. He lied to his mom, but not to me. I went and talked to the parents of his GF, I actually drew up papers of concent for him to see this girl and made them sign it and her too. She is now 21 and he is 28 they are married with a 4 year old son. I guess my issue with the whole thing is why the parents of the girl would allow their "child" daughter to date an adult age male. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, and I respected and feared my dad, he never hit, but his punishments were awful. If your son doesn't listen to you, tell him to read some of these posts. We on here don't have a personal interest in him as you do.

[deleted account]

i'll check with a friend of mine, but i thing he told me the age difference could be six years, with the concent of the parents.

Kathy - posted on 02/10/2009

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My son is very wise beyond his years. Thank God today he told me that he thinks he doesn't want to date her. He didn't like the fact that she wore a skimpy mini skirt to school yesterday. He said he wouldn't like all the young horny boys checking her out and that would really bother him. He said that when he was younger, he might of liked that, but not now. I told him to listen to what he just said. I told him that's what I was talking about the range of maturity. So anyway, he agreed and I think that's that. Thanks for all your support everyone and I really hope this whole thing is over.

Maureen - posted on 02/10/2009

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I think its' a pretty simple answer. WHOA ! I think the catchy phrase used to be ' jailbait;...... I know it changes and doesn't make a difference as the girl reaches her upper teens but for not for now. Maybe check out all the conversations about teen sex and teen prenancy for a wake up call for your son. Hope it turns out ok.

Shelly - posted on 02/10/2009

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Kathy,



     Ain't it great being the mother of a teenager.  And one that is "almost" and adult.  Trust me you will survive.  I have made it through one almost two.  I have quite a few more greys coming through but I still have a pulse.  And thank God for this site were you can get different views on how to deal with any givin problem we maybe dealing with.  Good luck with the parents of this girl.   I will still keep you in my prayers!!!

Kathy - posted on 02/08/2009

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Appartently she just told her parents how old he is and they aren't happy about it, so good news for me. I told him that I want to talk to her parents, he's not happy about it, but I told him that before he goes over there, then I want to talk to them, I don't want him going over to someone's house (anyone for that matter) that I don't know. They want to meet him and then they'll go from there. I told him it's not just up to her parents, we are HIS parents and we have a say too. My husband has a lawyer friend that he will be talking to and then bring back all the info and knock some sense into his head. Thanks to everyone for all their support, it means a lot because it's been a rough weekend dealing with all this. He's my first born. Also Sherri, I really like the 2 yr. rule, I will probably have to use that after this is over.

Sherri - posted on 02/08/2009

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Kathy, perhaps its time to talk with the parents of the girl (why would they be okay - not that your son is a bad person, not at all, he's just a kid himself, but I would not like my 13 year old girl dating a 17 year old young man, regardless of how nice he is).  My son is 16 and the rule in our house for all the kids is no more than a 2 year age difference - developmentally there are just too many differences between 13 and 17.  meet the parents and stay involved - I guess that's your best option at this point.  Have the girl over, lay down some ground rules, such as no closed doors, no girls in the bedroom, etc. and keep in contact with her parents.  Keep reminding your son about the potential problems regarding the legalities of the situation and keep saying your prayers.  Best of luck to you.  Again, we all need to get together and develop a rule book!  lol

Kathy - posted on 02/08/2009

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Well my son just informed me that her parents are okay with him dating her. They just want to meet him. So what am I to do now? I know I will be contacting her parents because he will be going to her house after school on Friday. I told him that I am still very uncomfortable about this because of what the law states. I hope everything will be okay.

Sherri - posted on 02/08/2009

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my 13 year old son was having a relationship with a 16 year old girl.  my ex phoned the girls' family and informed them that she was not to have any further relationship with our son.  In Canada, the law says that sex under the age of 16 (if you're over 18) is statuatory rape, otherwise, there cannot be any more than a 2 year age difference between the 2 consenting children under the age of 18.  My ex told the family that we would go to the police if she continued to contact our son.  Worked out okay for us, however, I appreciate the concerns.  you know kids, the more you say no, however, 13 is far to young for this young man considering the legalities.  he is walking a fine line and you sound like caring, involved parents.  i wish there was a manual for teenagers - it is hard to know how to react in these situations.

Shelly - posted on 02/07/2009

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Kathy,



  You need to give him the hard reality that if he decides to keep dating this girl and her parents find out he could possably be charged with rape.  Not that they are sleeping together but if she gets mad at him.  I'm not saying that she will but, girls can be evil...and then what's he going to do?  Ask him if he wants to be labled as a sex offender for the rest of his life??  I know it sounds harsh but he needs to understand the reality of the situation...



Let him know how much you love him and that you just want to make sure that he doesn't screw up the rest of his life for a girl!!  Good Luck and I will keep you and your son in my prayers...

Pati - posted on 02/07/2009

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At 13 -14 they are not ready to date, and certinally not a 16-17 year old boy. I did not let mine even hang out with the older kids out side of school for many resons. My daughter could not date till she was 16. I would be concerned, but thats me.

Kathy - posted on 02/07/2009

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That's what I was kind of wondering, if I should just ride it out because he hasn't really dated too many girls. This would be his 3rd relationship. The other 2 only lasted a few months so many this one won't last either. I did talk to him about the law and all that and asked him what her parents think about this whole thing. He's really thinking about it and weighing what he should do. I told him that I know he likes her and if it was meant to be then it would be meant to be when she's 17.

[deleted account]

Quoting Amy:

MY DAUGHTER WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING. SHE WAS 17 HER BOYFRIEND WAS 15, MY EX HUSBAND WAS HAVING A FIT. I TRIED TO TELL HIM TO LET IT RIDE OUT, BUT HE KEPT TELLING HER TO BREAK UP WITH HIM, SHE STARTING SNEAKING AROUND. SH WAS BRINGING HIM TO MY HOUSE. I LET IT RIDE OUT. MY DAUGHTER TURNED 18 HE TURNED 16 THEY WERE STILL TOGETHER. MY DAUGHTER GRAUDETED TURNED 19 AND STARTED COLLEGE, HE AS STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL, SHE GREW UP AND WANTED A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, HE WAS STILL A HIGH SCHOOL KID, THEY ARE NO LONGER TOGETHER. ALSO WE PUT MY DAUGHTER ON THE PILL. CAN'T WATCH THEM 24 HRS. TELLING HER IT WAS  CRIME DIDN'T WORK, WE TALKED WITH HIS PARENTS TO, THEY EITHER REALLY LIKED MY DAUGHTER OR KNEW IT WOULD RUN ITS COUSE LIKE I DID.


 

[deleted account]

Kathy--As a mom and also professional (social worker and life coach), here are some ideas for you. Even if there aren't guidelines in your state about age differences (go to http://www.4parents.gov/sexrisky/teen_se...), your concerns are valid. Give some thought to your concerns so you can talk to him clearly. Ask questions, too: What do you like about her? What are some concerns you have? What concerns do you think her parents might have? Also, as soon as he turns 18, the situation changes, since he's no longer a minor. The ante is upped quite a bit at that point were anything to happen between them at all of a sexual nature and anyone wanted to make a deal about it. In the sexuality classes I teach for youth, when we talk about relationships, we talk about mutually consensual, developmentally appropriate, and free of power differentials. Perhaps talking to him about the power differentials between 17 and 13 (late high school versus middle school, where their lives are going in the next 2 years, etc) could help. Good luck!

Tina - posted on 02/07/2009

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Hi Kathy, I went through a similiar situation with my almost 17 yr old. He was going out with a 13 year old until I found out. I explained to him how wrong it was and how much trouble he could get himself into if anything were to happen between them. I then rang the girl and told her that I didn't find it a good relationship for either of them and that if it wasn't ended I would be talking to her parents about it. Just hit your son with the truth about the legalities of it and let him know. Offer ways for him to get out and meet girls his own age. ,

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