My daughter is out of control.

Kathy - posted on 11/14/2017 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am a very strict Christian woman that lived at home until I got married. I have an 18 year old daughter that is staying out past curfew and drinking. She know that as long as she lives under our roof, she is expected to obey our rules. I really don't want to kick her out. I am currently spanking her with a switch or strap, but the spankings no longer seem effective. They adjust her attitude, just not enough. Does anyone have any ideas on how to better control her? We only use corporal punishment. That's how I was raised and I believe it is the most effective method.

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Cathy - posted on 01/07/2018

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I have no answers for you, and no judgment about how you punish. We all take different approaches. I know what you are going through is difficult. Just a few insights about my own kids which may or may not work for you.

Teenagers can simply be contrary for the sake of it. I've had to give up on controlling a lot and having faith that this too shall pass. That being said, during these teen years when their moral compass is a bit askew, we have decided to prioritize safety issues for them first and foremost. If they are drinking, they call us for a ride and know we won't judge. If they are deciding to be sexually active, we make sure that birth control is being used. If they choose to try drugs, they have been warned of the legal ramifications.

We have no alcohol, drugs, or tobacco in our house and never have. Our kids have been raised to be moral, decent people. On the way to that goal, they are going through a phase where the temptations of the world, and their overpowering emotions, make that nearly impossible. I am confident that, if we keep them alive through this phase of their life (and that is most likely), they will come out the other side remembering all that we taught them. All of those lessons are still in there, they are just in hiding for now.

My main concern is not to be so punishing that they cease to talk with us when it really counts. So far, we have a good open dialogue because they know we won't judge them. The result, so far, is that our son's experiment with pot was brief, he regrets having sex with a girl, and our daughter talks to me about alcohol and drugs at her school. The key, for me, has been not freaking out. I'm not raising a child or a teenager -- the end goal is an adult who has learned how to rise from mistakes and embrace the values they were taught.

My job, right now, is to do what I can to keep them safe, holding my nose and worrying all the way that they will be hurt. I can't lock them in the house until they are 21, and I can't supervise their every move. Would that I could, but it doesn't seem to work that way.

I wish you all the best in this. You're a good mom who cares. When your daughter gets to the other side of these hormones, she will remember that. I am sure of it.

Jessica - posted on 01/03/2018

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"We only use corporal punishment. That's how I was raised and I believe it is the most effective method"

But you say she is "out of control". Obviously corporal punishment isn't effective enough if that's the case. Maybe it's time to try a different approach, especially now that she is legally an adult and you could be charged with assault.

Jelena - posted on 12/25/2017

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Kathy I feel for you and like you I was raised by strict Christian parents who used corporal punishment as needed and I worked hard to avoid those switching by obeying.
My Mother's switching were very effective- she use branch from a forynthia brush - one lick felt like the stings of thousands bees. Each time when she was finished, swore I would never misbehave again- I never wanted another one and they worked for at least a year. Point is if you are going to switch her Make it effective. But I don't believe that is enough, I do agree with Janet, if it's your car, your cellphone take it way progressive length of time and get help to change computer access at home anyway, etc

Michelle - posted on 11/15/2017

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Like I commented in your other post, assaulting an adult will only lead to trouble. She can have you charged.
If you are having to use corporal punishment then it obviously doesn't work!!!! You have adults in your house and they don't know how to follow the rules.

Janet - posted on 11/15/2017

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Wow I remember the days when I was going through my kids teenage years (especially 18). I thanked God for giving me boys for it was bad enough, but not like girls. And you are right at that age a switch or a strap did nothing to change them, it only gave them a worse attitude. I found that talking with them as the adults they were soon becoming was better for changing their attitudes. Of course if things got really bad then we had to resort to taking things away, like their car, or television time, or having friends over, or going to friends’ homes (their friends had a lot to do with what they were dealing with).
But today I am very proud of the adults my sons are, they seem to be very caring and thoughtful and have a great love for their God, Family and Country…what more could a mom ask for right?
18 is tough to get through with your kids and I was praying to God for guidance all the time, but decided early on the most important thing was to show them Jesus in all things I said and did with them and I believe they are now trying to do the same thing.

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