My fifteen year old daughter dislikes me and wants to go BACK to live with her dad.

Hopeful - posted on 07/09/2012

Ty Jodi we had the meeting today and spoke with her individually and then together and for the most part mapped out some things but basically it seems that she is going from house to house when things don't go her way and her dad isn't being firm with her about her coming and staying for good even when things go bad he just sends her back. She said when she left her dads it was an abrupt decision in the heat of a disagreement and she feels that things worked for her there. She had to come home and speak with my husband (her step dad) regarding the whole running away issue and since it was the first time we spoke with her regarding the whole issue due to her being sent to stay with my sister to give me a break but she seemed still angry and stubborn and didn't say much when she came home.my house is in total disarray and I'm mentally exhausted. We will be deciding about whether she goes back to stay within the next day or two but I'm leaning towards it even though I don't want to but it seems I have no other options

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2012

Actually, you need to find a way to communicate with your ex. This is a parenting problem! Your daughter has two parents and two step-parents. You and your ex need to communicate about what's going on with your daughter and by communicate I do not mean level accusations and name call, either each other or your daughter.

The conversation should go something like this and initially should be only between you and your ex, after you two have established your ground work then the new spouses should be filled in and their cooperation in the plan should be requested and expected: DISCUSS:
1. What are each of our expectations for our daughter (graduate high school, go to college, get a job, be respectful to herself and the adults and siblings in her life, abide by house rules (define them) contribute to the household maintenance (define how)
2. How do we plan on getting there
3. What are we going to hold her accountable for (grades, college admission, etc)
4. What are we going to provide her with to meet our expectations and
accountabilities (allowance, cell phone, car, insurance, gas money, etc)
5. How will we resolve conflicts where we (you and dad) don't see eye to eye
6. Then have a conversation with the other parents in your child's life and get them on board for the agreements and outline you and your ex have come to
7. Have a conversation with your teen with the four parents present. It will be unprecedented, she won't know what to do and lay the ground rules out from a standpoint that she is loved by all the people here and all the people present want her to succeed in HER life.
8. And then have an agreement, made in front of your daughter, that wherever she "lives" you and the other parent will stay in communication about her behavior and her accountabilities.

Good luck and godspeed.
www.theconsciousmoment.com

Hopeful - posted on 06/30/2012

I'm not wanting to let her go back again 1 since she has already had the chance to go and her dad sent her back over a disagreement he had with her over a comment she made on twitter when she wasn't even supposed to have an acct. 2 is that he does allow her more freedom and since he works a whole lot he is rarely home and leaves her mostly with her 25 y.o step mother who I found on twitter helping encourage her courting boys and talking of a teenage girl herself... What I'm unsure of is he takes me back to court about not letting her come back will the judge allow it again or side with me since I've given him a chance to have her with him..I am at the point with her to where I'm not allowing her to run from discipline and she will stay put and deal with all the consequences for her actions. I'm fed up but in it for the long haul :)

Crystal - posted on 06/30/2012

I would tell her father that since she didn't last 3 months the last time and that this will be a trial period of at least one year. Discuss with court. They will understand. She is probably thinking the grass is greener on the other side especially if your parenting styles are different. Y'all need to all get together and let her know that the rules will be the same at both homes. Then she will start thinking about if it's really gonna benefit her. Teens are only about me, mine and what I'm gonna get out of it. She doesn't hate you. At this age she is pushing the limits on what you're going to let her get away with and if you don't, she's going to throw those 3 words at you to make you hurt or feel guilty. It's a game that all teens play not just once from a divorced family. I know you probably had a parent that you knew the possibility of them saying yes was better. If y'all do not present a unified front & the rules are not the same the younger one going to try to play y'all as well.

Hopeful - posted on 06/28/2012

Thanks Kristin and her dad says it will be permenant if she come back with him meaning we change her living arrangements and child support order with the courts which I have no problem with as we did Fine with the order before as I paid him what he is ordered to pay every two weeks in cs, but it's hard for me to let go as a parent and trust that she will do ok with him as she has always chosen the wrong friends and is easily influenced by her peers, I'm racking my brain trying to figure out what to do with her, she has been with her dad since the incident and doesn't want to come back. I'm afraid I have lost one child because her dad is saying how much she does not like me and hates living here. Seems like u raise kids and give everything ur all and they turn and bite u, and can never appreciate anything. Ive been down about the whole ordeal and can do nothing but think on the situation, wondering if my ten yo will hurt me this bad in the next few yrs......my ex is expecting and answer in my signing over living arrangements with the courts and I feel pressured....fml

Kristin - posted on 06/28/2012

You need to be firm with your daughter and tell her if she wants to live with her dad then fine but she will not be allowed back into your house for a minimum of one year (unless she is in an abusive situation). To me this sounds like a classic case of teenage rebellion and playing one parent against the other to get what she wants, This has nothing to do with your parenting or your husbanmds and is just teenage angst as i like to call it lol. She may think things will be better at her dads house but they probably wont be. My son who is 16 went through a rebellion stage at 15 and we found out he was smoking pot because we drug tested him. He was told to either give up the pot or live on his own with no help from us, and we were calm when we told him. I refuse to yell at my kids as it solves nothing. I also refuse to take away cell phones or computer privledges and I work full time and he will go behind my back anyways. I just tell my son that he is a young adult and all his decisions and choices have consequences good or bad and they are his to deal with. I will not bail him out and he knows that. If he breaks curfew one night he is not allowed out the next. He pays for his cell phone bill, buys all his own clothes, works poart time and is an honor role student. I pick and chose my battles with him, but we usually dont battle, it is what it is. Now dont get me wrong I support my child and guide him as much as I can but I also want him to be responsible and make smart choices. He racked up a 700 dollar pay pal account and I made him pay it all off little by little with his own money. But anyways with your daughter you all need to present a strong unified front and this includes your ex and his spouse and let her know if she makes the choice to live with her dad than stand by it and do not let her back in after a month or 3 months let her suffer her consequences. Good luck