My husband (my daughter's step-father) acted sexually inappropriately with my 13 year old daughter. Anyone else in the same situation?

Rather Stay - posted on 12/14/2011 ( 151 moms have responded )

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I have been advised by my church family that since my husband is repentant, has confessed, and is going to counseling/therapy, that I should continue on trying to reconcile my family. My pastor said that no one sin is worse than any other sin in God's eyes, and that divorcing would just show my daughter that running away is the answer when something horrible happens in a marriage.

My own family (non-Christians) have indicated that they feel I am choosing my husband over my daughter by remaining married to him, and they want me to get a divorce and leave him.

He can legally have no contact with her, this all happened two years ago and I found out about it about a year and a half ago. My daughter will be 16 soon, so I do not expect reconciliation, if it can happen, before she is 18. I am looking at 2 years of mandatory separation from my husband, at any rate.

So far, I have seen true repentence (as truly repentent as a non-Christian can be) in my husband, and my spirit is willing to continue trying to forgive him and eventually reconciling my family. My mind is in a constant whirlwind of anxiety and doubt about reconciling, because I am mainly concerned about what is best for my daughter...leaving the man who violated her (and my) trust and ripped apart any chance of her having a positive male role model in her life, or making a stand against what the world would do and try to make a graceful, forgiving stand (and hopefully be a good role model for my daughter this way) for my marriage?

I wish there was a clear answer on what I should do which sends the right message to all parties involved.

I guess my question is...has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do? How did it work out?

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Michele - posted on 12/14/2011

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He is a pedophile RUN and don't look back. Your daughter looks up to you for everything. Protect her please. Praying for you both.

Sally - posted on 12/18/2011

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I was abused as a child and my mother stayed with my dad cos he promised to get help. He didn't he just became better at hiding what was happrning and cos mum didn't protect me i came to believe it was normal. When i was old enough to understand that it wrong . I was left with a lot of mental heath problems not just cos of the abuse but also cos my mother did't protect me. I never forgave her. Leave him and let your daughter see that you are protecting her

Jennifer - posted on 12/17/2011

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Leave him. Leave him now.
I was molested as a child, and the worst thing you could possibly do to damage your relationship with your daughter is to reconcile with the man who hurt her. Forgive him if that is what you have to do, but don't stay with him. People who molest children are sick individuals, and there is no cure. Given the chance, and the slightest percentage that they might not get caught, and they will do it again.
And because I was molested as a child, I can tell you, without a doubt, that if my husband molested my child, I would NEVER even consider a reconciliation or working on my marriage, no matter what my pastor would recommend. Protecting your child is NOT running away, or setting a poor example.

Aniesha - posted on 12/18/2011

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What the hell is wrong with you???? He hurt your baby girl!!!! There are some things that are unforgivable to me, and someone violating my child is one of them. If you want to show your daughter how unimportant she is and how little regard you have for her well-being and feelings, then continue down the path you are on. I pity your poor daughter, and should you choose to stay with this pedophile, I can only hope that neither of you have access to this poor girl anymore.

Shawnn - posted on 12/14/2011

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Yes, it is Christian to forgive, HOWEVER, this man violated YOUR DAUGHTER.

I have not been in your situation. My husband, though, grew up with sexual abuse, in a Mormon home. And if anyone doesn't agree with divorce, it's the LDS religion. However, when my MIL found out what had been happening, and how advanced it was, she didn't bother to ask her Bishop, she packed up her kids and GOT THEM OUT.

She got out of the marriage. Her ex was ex-communicated for his behavior, and is now on the registered SO list. He is not allowed alone around his grandchildren, and he understands why.

Ask yourself this. Can you HONESTLY say you want to be with him, after you know that he violated your daughter? Would you like to send your daughter the message that sexual abuse is OK, and will be forgiven, and the molester allowed to continue to have contact with his victim?

Yes, I'm fairly certain he IS repentant. Mainly, because he was caught.

Your first responsibility, your foremost responsibility is to your daughter. NOT to the piece of scum that violated her. If you want to continue to have a relationship with him, that's your choice, but at least have the decency and respect for your daughter to discontinue the relationship until she reaches legal age of majority and can remove herself from a potential situation.

You can forgive without condoning. Allowing him to remain in your life, and allowing him to remain in your daughter's life, is condoning his actions. You are basically giving him the idea that if he "acts" repentant, you'll forgive him.

How many more children have been victimized prior to your daughter? How many will be victimized after? Your husband is mentally ill. He needs help. But, you need to be a parent first, and see to the needs of your daughter, NOT make her think that you are taking his side.

My apologies for the very harsh, very blunt statement, but sexual abuse is definitely one of my BIGGEST issues. I've seen the results as the children move into adulthood, and it is NOT pretty. For those kids whose mothers stayed with their abuser, it is a horrible feeling to them, to feel that their mother chose someone that had hurt them over their own child...

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Rachael - posted on 03/10/2014

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I realize this is an old thread but your husband violated your daughter and your marriage if your "pastor" has told you it is better to stay with him than show your daughter to run away from your problems I would runaway from that pastor and church. It is not running away from a problem by confronting the problem and removing it from your life. I am a Christian and no church or pastor that I know would preach to remain in a marriage with a sinful and predatory man. Choose your daughter and realize this man will say anything to keep you where you are.

[deleted account]

Sorry to be so passionate about it- but I have seen so many broken grown women who have been sexually abused as children or teens.

To prevent even ONE child/teen and eventually ONE woman from SUFFERING- should be greatly praised. The magnitude of what sexual abuse (or an encounter) can do to a woman's future.... it can stay with them for life. And they will grieve of their lost innocence.

[deleted account]

Also my dear Anonymous, do you know that counseling/therapy does NOT get rid of the sexual fantasies and urges of a pedophile?

It's VERY hard to hear- but your husband is sexually attracted to a CHILD.

A.K.A.- pedophile.

*CHECK DEEPLY INTO THE HISTORY OF YOUR HOME COMPUTER FOR CHILD PORNOGRAPHY. Hire someone to do this for you mom. You may just have a big surprise.

It is clear that you do not want to leave him. Dig deep and figure out WHY you don't want to leave him.

Your family is right. You are indeed choosing your husband over your precious daughter. You just don't want a divorce.

[deleted account]

The thing is Kenny- that she didn't get rid of him.

I can guess what church you are talking about Rather, and that in itself can be a scary thing. If your husband eventually has intercourse with your daughter (as DOES happen in that denomination), sadly- it WILL be your fault, as Kenny said.

It just breaks my heart....to know that a mother puts their precious daughter in that position of possible abuse....

I would hate myself for the rest of my life if my husband slept with my daughter, when I knew of his previous advance on her.

But then again.....If you are with the church that I think you are- I'm sure you know other families who have been through this. Heartbreaking. A mother's heart should be with their children, to protect them from anyone and EVERYONE.

It's sad to say - that even someone we love may be a sexual pervert or a pedofile, but we should not side with the pedofie when there are children under the age of consent living in the house.

Talk to a police officer. I'm certain they will tell you the same.

Mothers- protect your babies. You are who they rely on.

Kenny - posted on 01/12/2014

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If u get back with the man who violated your daughter I honestly believe that you have a problem cause anybody that would harm or hurt a kid should be in prison or killed can you imagine how your daughter feels I guarantee you if you take him back you will lose your daughter for ever move on and leave that pedophile cuz he will do it again to somebody else I am so sorry for your daughter

[deleted account]

OH MY GOSH.
It doesn't matter if he changes his behavior.
What matters are his THOUGHTS. Is the church able to control his sexual thoughts towards your daughter?
I don't think I could ever sleep with my husband (even step-father of my kid) if I knew that he had sexual thoughts about my daughter. Would he be thinking about her, while having sex with me?
I cannot wrap my head around this issue at all.

Jennifer - posted on 12/28/2013

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Not no, but HELL NO! I am a Christian woman who has been beaten and had my back broke by an ex-husband..AND HE WAS MY PASTOR!!! Should I have stayed with him? I would have wound up dead the next time.
What about your daughter? She will wind up hating you b/c you did not save her. She will always feel like you loved him more than you did her b/c you didn't protect her...she may think that anyway. (Which is normal, by the way. Hope you have her in counseling!) Don't you think she is going to be looking over shoulder and wondering when it would happen again?
We are currently waiting for a trial to be set for my current husband because he has molested my mentally impaired 26 year old daughter. (Yeah, I haven't done very well in the husband department.)
What the heck kind of church wants you and your daughter to remain in this relationship? I see a Christian counselor who believes, as I do, God NEVER intended for us to be abused. Abuse and Idolatry are justifiable reasons to leave.
What about the law? I was told that if I let me son near my husband (b/c he has been accused of molestation) then I could lose him to social services. It's called FAILURE TO PROTECT!!! Even if the law doesn't hold you to that standard, you should be holding yourself to that standard! What IF it happens again? Are you going to leave then? How many times will it take? Are you always going to forgive and forget? The Bible says we forgive 70X7, but never does it say we have to go back and say "Do it again!" I obviously didn't read far enough before I started my rant to see the state has stepped in and made it so you can't see him.
Maybe it would show your daughter running away from her problems is not the solution...but she may also learn to stand up for herself and not be bullied. She might learn to be a survivor and not a victim. She most certainly realize how much you love and care for her b/c of what she was willing to do for her.
Are you really going to be happy if you stay? Or are you always going to wonder...can I leave her home alone? What if he comes home early? Why did he get out of bed and stay gone for so long last night?
He's not a Christian? Geez...I'd think you'd be worried about not equally yoked...but maybe you became a Christian later. Yes, a sin is a sin...but if it goes against the Law (render unto Caeser what is Caeser's), not only is it a sin against God but against man as well....and in this case, your daughter too!!! I'm just curious, what does you daughter want you to do?
A positive role model??? I've got news for you, HE BLEW THAT CHANCE!!! You can tell her "This is an example of 'what not to do!'"
You said you are willing to "try" and forgive him. Until you are 100% READY or have forgive (n), YOU'RE not 100% committed to making this happen. (Which is a good thing1)
Anxiety is NOT from the Lord...peace is. Until you decide what to do and it is in line with God's Will, you will not have peace. Once you have made the right decision, the axiety will subside. If it doesn't subside, guess what? You made the wrong choice! You are scared. Scared of being alone and all the things that come with it. No money, where do we live, what do people think, and any number of things. It's scary daring to branch out and be something or someone you haven't. But if God brought you to it, He can bring you through it!!!
Yes, I am going through this right now. Someone just bailed my husband out so he will be out seeing my son until his trial 6 months to a year from now. I found out on Monday and he was going out of town on Thursday. I waited for him to go, changed the locks, went to the police, and got a restraining order. Currently my son can only have supervised visitation and he must stay one mile away from me and my daughter.
Last post was April 2013, I hope and pray you have come to some resolution.

Venise - posted on 04/03/2013

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You already no the answer to the question...kick him to the kirb,hes just a sneaky dirty pig....you children come first no matter what.
Don't listen to the church,the church is the worst for touching children.
girl just be strong and get on with your life and giving your daughter aas much love and understanding as you can.....sheeeeesh you will survive without a dirty husband/man In your life.

Otavia - posted on 03/20/2013

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I have been molested by my moms husband and I was 20 at the time and I was shunned for speaking out about it. It hurts more than anybody knows. I was denied the right to have a family who stood by me in the ordeal. Instead they accused me of doing it to him. My sisters dont speak to me.

Lisa - posted on 03/08/2013

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Hi there.

I had to register on this site when i saw this, cous i have to responde. (sorry if misspelling, i'm norwegian)
Don't know if you still follow this link?

But any way who ever read this, take it with you, and remember my words!

Whatever you decide, it will be wrong at some point ...
Do not worry about anders opinions, it is not their children or husband.
Your child might hate you for having eliminated father, but it will hate you more if you do it and things continue ...

The chance that your child will get his confidence completely wrong when it comes to love. What it is, how to accept and how to give (not least who to give it to).

Confidence in general will often remain nonexistent until they become adults. Some never will.

Children who are abused are often easily attracted to drugs and other self-destructive substances. Self-injury and suicide attempts are not uncommon, because they simply do not have something good inside because they are confused and are carrying a lot of anger, disappointment and a strong sense of being betrayed by the person / persons are those closest to the.

To live with such problems inside them is not easy and very difficult to get help to deal with.

I speak from personal experience, and I can say that I am today 31år and I struggle with it yet. Depression, nightmares, afraid to show emotion, do not trust anyone, mood swings, etc.

Having regained feelings after I had a daughter, but before that I was pretty cold and numb ...

Er veldig heldig som har fått en mann som har masse tålmodighet og forståelse.

Før jeg møtte han så var jeg værre en mannlige playere, jeg søkte bekreftelse, godkjenning, kjærlighet og det å bli elsket. Som jeg sa, for meg var det kjærlighet, var sånn jeg hadde lært som liten. Altså helt feil oppfattning av alt. (ja, dagen etterpå ble alt mye verre, skammen)

Hope this is to anyones help :)

The girl in Norway, Lisa-Helen :)

Christine - posted on 02/25/2013

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D-I-V-O-R-C-E

If you choose this pedophile instead of the safety of your child, you are a horrible Mom. Yes, I said it. As a Mom, it is YOUR job to protect her, not your relationship. If you stay with him, you are teaching her, " Hey, it's okay for your guy to abuse you, abuse of any type, as long as he is sorry for it." Bull! This post makes me so angry and upset. Instead of doing the right thing, you are doing the easy thing. Yeah, he's going to counseling and has repented. How well does your daughter sleep at night? So you realize that he is NOT a positive male role model? He will do what he can to stay in your household so he can repeat offend. This...just blows me away. Do the right thing and divorce him. Protect your daughter. She needs a Mom who will do whatever it takes to protect her from harms way, and you have failed once. Do you want to fail your daughter again?

Cari - posted on 02/18/2013

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YES.. KICK HIS ass to the curb.. I would kill him but you get arrested..... send him to Cuba.. where I am from let Fidel handle him.. ha ha ha!!!!!!! COME ONE lady take care of your daughter...

Cari - posted on 02/18/2013

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I cant stand ladies that only think of themselves.!!!!!! LADY WHERE IS YOUR DAUGHTER... who raised you what values do you have.. very sad. this posting ... DAUGHTERS COME FIRST.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Denise - posted on 02/18/2013

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I believe some sins are much worse than others and the sexual abuse of a child is at the very top of the list. A parent is suppose to protect not prey on their children. A sacred trust has been broken by your husband, and though he may repent to make himself feel better about committing a criminal and immoral behaviour, it doesn't change the fact he hurt a child for his own perverted purposes. In your situation, I would stand by my daughter and send her the message that her safety and mental well being are what is important after a terrible violation by a "trusted" adult. Personally, I could never have a relationship with someone who sexually abuses any child.

Chris - posted on 02/18/2013

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@Wilma.....and I forgot to say...congratulations for getting away from that horrible person. You saved yourself AND the kids. So many people just stay and stay and stay and ruin their kids lives....I know all about it too.

Wilma - posted on 02/18/2013

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I find it hard to believe that you need to ask yourself this question. Honestly stop and think if you had your husband and daughter hanging from a cliff but could only save one - who would it be?
If you did not say your daughter - walk away she is better off without you.
I may be harsh but I have no sympathy in heart for pedophiles may they rot in the eternal pits of hell and suffer eternal damnation.

I know the situation - My ex husband sexually molested a young girl after we divorced but not before he beat me for years and abused my children - I ran from him and I fought tooth and nail with every last dollar to my name to save my children and get them away from him. That is their biological father. I would never let any man on this earth harm my children - EVER. I would die for my children any day of the week.
I have counseled battered women - I have listened to them time and again tell me their pastors told them to go back - let them repent and all that bull - The pastors are WRONG and shame on them shame shame shame.

Chris - posted on 02/16/2013

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I truly hope that you have that man out of your life forever. Your pastor should find a different job as he is truly ridiculous telling you that nonsense. If you choose your husband you have thrown away your daughter. Move on with your life and you will empower your daughter to get over this horrible abuse. I find it hard to believe that you are even asking this question in a forum. There is only one right answer. Support your daughter and get rid of that pervert forever.

Loraine - posted on 02/16/2013

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Christian or not he is an adult & knows right from wrong.
The church have covered up child abuse in one form or another for hundreds of years why should they care about your daught?
Do they have to live with your daughter?
You've gotta help & support her. IT'S YOUR DUTY AS HER MOTHER. 1ST & FORMOST.
On judgement day, as a believer will you be able to put your hand up & say you did everything you could to support the child you brought into the world? Or will you be forced to admit you put your feelings for a sinner before hers?

Chaya - posted on 02/09/2013

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I can't recommend getting away from husband any stronger. I happen to be a Christian myself, but it's not okay to hurt a child ever, nor is it appropriate to indicate to the child that this behaviour is appropriate.
I grew up in a home with serious abuse, my dad's wife instagated it, my dad did nothing to stop it. (He was deaf, didn't know what was going on, I wasn't aware of the deafness because I didn't live at home much after age ten, not at all after age 12) I thought my dad just didn't care. It taught me that boys are better than girls, might makes right, and I'm supposed to start having babies and go on welfare when I was 14 so I could take care of my children and my sisters so she could sell her body. Not the message I'm giving my children.

Madison - posted on 02/06/2013

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Get away feom him he has issues. Your dauguter should not have to live witb a terrible man like that

DEBORAH - posted on 02/03/2013

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SO well said Dennis,


the Mom is not worried about the trauma caused to her child, seems to me like she is only worried about her own feelings for him. I wonder if this is one of those questions that is part of a survey, to see how many people are against this mother or how many people think he should be given a second. Because no mom in there right mind would even think about it twice to have this man hung.
Im guessing she cant wait for that child to turn 18 so she can put her out and bring in the jerk!!!
I do not believe any christians would second chances it with there children. She stated that the church has given her the ok? WOW! is that her clearance?

Dennis - posted on 02/02/2013

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Christian or non christian what the hell does it matter?? You did not say what he did I am assuming it was awful and glad you did not go into detail. Unless you feel their is some untruth to the accusation. Kick him to the curb.. Push him off a cliff.. Whatever works!!' Again. I am a minority on this site as single Dad but just like I strive to be strong like a woman for my daughter. You ladies sometimes gotta act like us real men too. Not your husband.. And grab him by the balls if you can find them and make him squeel like. Michael. Jackson!!! No mercy whatsoever for someone who steals away someones innocence in that way. Sorry if I offended any christians not at all my intention but God was not present during this. It is pure of this earth Evil!! Hope your non christian family showed him the way!!

DEBORAH - posted on 01/30/2013

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My mouth falls open at the question this mother has posted on here to get answers!!! OMG!! I feel that she is only thinking of her own desires as woman. I don't mean to sound harsh, but i cant imagine anyone who's in their right mind can even think twice about second chancing it!!! POOR Child!! I have a best friend who just found out that the man that she has been so in love with fathered 5 children in less than three years with the suppose to be girlfriend and her 13 year old daughter. the guy was deported after a domestic violence against the girlfriend and my friend has traveled out of country to be with him on two different occasions. the 13 year has two of his children and live with the other three fathered by him belonging to the mother. Now the rumor was floating around with the first one, so that means that mom new and she accepted and I guess after the second one she decided she was very jealous. Now my girlfriend new the roomer and she decided to turn her cheek on it, because he was denying the allegations. but she has recently heard it from the woman herself so now she all depressed and calling me saying " omg its so hard to let go!!!! " she also has a 16 year daughter!! can you imagine had that man's destiny had been to live here in the states and start a new relationship with my friend? Whats not to say that the same would of ended up happening to her daughter!!! WOW!! I am clueless !!! its a no brainier!! there are so many decent men in this world!!! I can only give it to god!!!

Jane - posted on 01/30/2013

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Kelsey...

You are absolutely correct. These men are narcissistic sociopaths and they will not change. I have nearly every book Amazon sells on this subject and they all say these men won't change. Plus they are often manipulative and charming so we want to believe them.

Kelsey - posted on 01/30/2013

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These men are Narsasistic Sociopaths!! Do your research. They don't cure, and there is no reason to stay married to Satin's people.

Kelsey - posted on 01/30/2013

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To every woman out there involved with men who are Pediphilea and or Emotional/Physical abusers

DEBORAH - posted on 01/29/2013

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i am also a victim of rape as a child , . And it is still something that haunts me. even now as a middle age woman. SO i agree, forgive but you must keep him far from your surroundings an your child. I feel that a person like that is a sick mentally disturbed person and no counseling or medication can change how he thinks. I am sorry I would not even had thought twice of leaving him or seeking justice. MY children are precious and they are in our possession for us as parents to protect them.

Jane - posted on 01/29/2013

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I have read and reread your post. You wrote "I wish there was a clear answer on what I should do which sends the right message to all parties involved." There is a clear answer. You should leave him for the sake of your daughter. She needs to know that you totally love and support her. How could you even think of reconciliation with a man who violated your daughter in such an awful fashion. I have talked to a therapist about this same thing and she said that it is very hard for these men to change. Even when they make a good effort at it. How could you ever sleep with him again? How could you face your daughter if you got back with him? Move on, protect your daughter, get divorced and hopefully as time passes you will see this is the right and only decision. And I hope that you will eventually find some other man who is honorable and trustworthy who loves you. This is between you and God and the church people don't know anything more than you know. You have a relationship with God, trust in your own decisions.

I had a serious boyfriend and found out, after we broke up last May that he had sexually abused his step daughter over a period of time when she was 12 or so. His 2nd wife told me that. It was 10 years ago. I also found out that he had done a similar thing about 20 years ago to a niece. He won't admit to that, but by looking into it, I know it is the truth. He is 65 and so he was no young man when these things happened. I told him that he had to tell his new serious girlfriend about this because there should be no secrets when you are intending to marry someone. He did tell her about the step daughter, because otherwise I would have, and she is still going to marry him this weekend. She has several grand children, and he said that he would NEVER do that again...but my therapist says that it is hard to change and that I did the right thing by telling him to tell the fiancee. She even had posted on FB "Don't allow registered sex offenders on Facebook". He is not registered so I guess she is okay with marrying him.

So move on and support your daughter and remember that there are many, many upstanding men in the world. Unfortunately the man you were/are married to is not one of them.

Kelsey - posted on 01/29/2013

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But these men are born this way. I grew up as well in the church and through the years suffered because of the bible. I can assure you. God does not want us unhappy. We go through trials and tribulations to learn and become stronger because of it. I will never choose a Pediphile over my child. No offense, but think of it this way.. If no "sin" is greater than another, then there is no problem with you divorcing him. If you stay, all you are doing is teaching your daughter that its ok to allow men to treat women like that. As well as teaching your husband that you will tolerate it, then he will continue and it will only get worse.. Trust me, I have dealt with this for years. I am currently divorcing him..

Kristi - posted on 01/28/2013

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Kelsey--

I'm sorry for what happened to you when you were younger. That must have been horrible! I admire your courage and bravery for moving on and then for not hesitating to protect your daughter.

Kelsey - posted on 01/26/2013

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I just found out my husband not only attempted to touch my daughter at 13, but is still very attracted to girls 12-15 years. They never change and I filed for divorce! I was 12 when a family member molested me and I kept silent out of pure fear!!! It is your job as a mom to prosciutto and divorce his ass!!!

Cecilia - posted on 01/22/2013

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Kristi, didn't even think of that!!She either had unwed sex or divorced already.

Kristi - posted on 01/22/2013

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One other thing here in this I have to stay with a pedophile because God says so...where is your daughter's birth father? Were you married to him? If so, why did that marriage end and was it one of the bible's acceptable reasons for divorce?

Here is one of the ACCEPTABLE reasons for divorce according to the bible which should really just clear this whole matter right up--especially for those who want to use God as a scapegoat to "make a stand against what the world would do and try to make a graceful, forgiving stand (and hopefully be a good role model for my daughter in this way) for my marriage."

The second reason divorce is acceptable is adultery or IMMORALITY on the part of one of the individuals.
Matt 5:31, 32 19:9 and more. I can't paste the link because I'm on my cell and got the info off my laptop but it is from clarifyingchristianity.com.

In any event, I would wager just about anything that 99.9% of the moms on here would say that pedophilia is about as immoral as you can get. So there is God's Get Out Of Jail Free card for you and you can tell your church to reread the bible, pack up their pedophiles and take their freak show on down the road. You can forgive them all as they walk away.

Shawnn - posted on 01/22/2013

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Iris,

Forgive all you want, as that is what we are instructed to do. But you haven't addressed the rest. Would you CONTINUE TO EXPOSE YOUR CHILD to the abuse that will continue to go on?

Once a sexual predator, ALWAYS a sexual predator. No matter HOW MUCH counseling the deviant receives from his "church family", he will still be a deviant. Would you continue to expose your daughter to that?

If so, then I hope you would also be prepared to pray for yourself as you are as guilty of the abuse as your spouse in that case, and I would certainly hope that, at some point in her shattered life, your child would be able to forgive you for choosing a deviant over your own flesh and blood.

Yes, Iris, forgive, for to forgive is devine. But please, don't advocate keeping a child in a situation that is going to continue.

Kristi - posted on 01/22/2013

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Iris--

I understand your message and I know the words you speak are true. But that does not answer the question of whether or not, in your opinion, she should take her husband back in accordance to God's word. I am interested in hearing your answer to that.

Jodi - posted on 01/22/2013

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Lets say that a person did this to you personally and you pressed charges, but then they said they were sorry and even acted as if they were sorry. Would you even consider staying with such a person? You can forgive someone and they can be sorry, but it doesn't make it a wise choice to stay with a person like that. If someone did that to my child and I stayed with them it would be an absolute betrayal of my child. Not to mention this teaches your daughter that a man can hurt her any which way and there is no real consequence. All they have to do is act remorseful and act right in the eyes of the church and that they will be accepted back.

He is a grown man, he knew better, he chose otherwise. Being remorseful does not mean that he should be allowed back and only time will tell if he re-offends. Is that a risk you want to take? If so then be prepared to be rejected by your daughter who counts on you to protect her from people like this.

Christina - posted on 01/18/2013

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You must do what you think is right but I think you need help. I am sorry for you and MORE SORRY for your child. You are using God to hide your head in the sand, your are not the first nor will you be the last.

Cecilia - posted on 01/18/2013

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here's the thing. i would rather be a sinner and not forgiving any day. Even if you choose to forgive, fine forgive him. But do not forget what he's done. Forgiving someone does not mean you should allow them to continue to hurt those you love, or yourself.

As far as the whole religion thing goes.. I assume if you follow these rules you follow all of them right?
You've never had a ham sandwich? Leviticus 11:7-8
Never had a hair cut? Leviticus 19:27
If you kid cusses at you, you need to kill them. Exodus 21:17
If you work on Sunday you also should be killed. Exodus 31:14-15
Have you ever talked in church? Corinthans 14:35-35
Ever eat seafood, lobster, or shrimp? Leviticus 10-11

I break some of gods rules sometimes... I'm sure i'm just as guilty as the next person. I will not allow anyone, not even god, stop me from protecting my child. I'm sure he will forgive me for it.

Sheila - posted on 01/18/2013

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I have seen to much of this with my inlaws the biggest shock was my sister in law marrying the boyfriend(not her daughters father)who molested her daughter my niece bc she had too many years invested in the realtionship. She apparently didn't realize having a child is for life. I have seen first hand how this affected my niece........it drove her to almost committing suicide. Forgiveness is up to you but always be there for your child which you are. Blessings.

Shea - posted on 01/18/2013

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Christina that is awesome! It may be a sin to not forgive but I would think it is a sin not to protect ur child. Forgive him from far away and protect ur children. They're the biggest responsibility a parent has in their life

Iris - posted on 01/17/2013

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This is the last time I will respond to this message. I am a Christian and one thing I do know if
I do not forgive those who have offended me. Our Heavenly Father will not forgive me.

The Body of Christ. Is full of broken men, women, girls, and boys of all ages. No one comes
to Jesus Whole and perfect. I came to Jesus a broken child. God is still healing me daily.

Without Forgiveness in your heart for those who have hurt you. You will never have the "Peace"
Jesus gave his life for all of us who believe to have.

I have sin against God and we all have. Forgiving do not mean you justify what someone have
wrongfully done to you. It means you let go of your anger against that person or persons.
If you do not forgive again, you will not be forgiven of your sins.

Ask Our Heavenly Father to take away your pain. Forgiving someone is not a feeling. It is a decision. Its a change of heart. You decide for yourself you will to forgive and ask God to help you and He will in Jesus Mighty Name...

John 1: 7 If we say that we have felllowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth: But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all
unrighteousness.

IF WE SAY THAT WE HAVE NOT SINNED, WE MAKE HIM A LIAR, AND HIS WORD IS NOT IN US....

JEHOVAH GOD DO NOT EXCUSE SIN, BUT IF WE CONFESS OUR SINS AND FORSAKE THEM. HE IS FAITHFUL TO FORGIVE US OUR SINS, AND TO CLEANSE US FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS.

JESUS > expects us to follow him it is not easy at first, but again you must surrender your mind, spirit and your body to Christ Jesus...Study out forgiveness, get cds, dvds, on forgiveness.

I am only telling you what I have personally done as a Christian mother and grandmother.
I too was molested by my natural father, it did effect my life. Jesus taught me and still do
daily teaches me the "Power of a Forgiving Spirit" ...Yes, I have long time forgiven my natural father for what he did. I realize he was a sick man to have done such a cruel and evil thing
to his child daughter me, and I thought for a long time God did not want, or loved me to have such an evil thing happen to me in my own home. The shame that follows such evil deeply can destroy you if you allow it to. I plead with everyone who have not forgiven.

"LET 2013 BE THE YEAR OF GIVING ALL OF YOUR PAIN AND SUFFERING TO JESUS
CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR. JESUS DIED ON THE CROSS FOR ALL OF OUR
SINS. WHO ARE WE NOT TO FORGIVE THOSE THAT HAVE SINNED AGAINST US.

WE DID NOT DESERVE GODS MERCY ON US TROUGH HIS PRECIOUS SON JESUS
CHRIST.

GRACE IS UNDESERVED FAVOR FROM OUR HEAVENLY FATHER THROUGH JESUS
CHRIST OUR LORD.

REMEMBER, WE DID NOT DESERVE FORGIVENESS JESUS GAVE US FORGIVENESS
BECAUSE HE LOVED US...JOHN 3:16 FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD, THAT HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, (JESUS) THAT WHOSOEVER BELIEVETH IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH, BUT HAVE EVERLASTING LIFE.

WE AS CHRISTIANS HAVE TO GIVE THAT " GODLY LOVE" TO THOSE WHO HAS HURT US ... AND THE PEACE OF GOD WILL FILL UP YOUR MIND, SPIRIT AND BODY UNTIL YOUR CUP WILL OVERFLOW WITH THANKSGIVING TO YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER IN JESUS NAME AMEN.

TO GOD GIVE THE GLORY IN JESUS MIGHTY, WONDERFUL POWERFUL NAME ITS DONE.

Christina - posted on 01/17/2013

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I was also abused as a child. You are her mother, in your heart you know the right thing to do. Please do not use God as an excuse. So many terrible things have been done in the name of God. I am baptist and go to church faithly but, do you really think God wants you to choose a child molestor over a child? Really if that is the message we get from God.....what is this world coming to?

Shea - posted on 01/14/2013

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oh, i have one more thing... I totally believe in God and I do think some people can be helped. However, if you have had to think about this for two years... you should trust your gut, not the people at the church. You are the only one who knows you. Yes, GOD is suppose to come first before your spouse and children. However, I truly believe church should come after them. I also felt growing up that to my mom's thinking, it was her husband first, church second, friends third, God fourth, her house fifth, me and my brother were last.

Shea - posted on 01/14/2013

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I am 39 years old and was in a similar situation as your daughter and let me say this.... I don't mean to sound cruel or anything but even by questioning what you should do is hurting your daughter. Let me explain....

My mom and father were divorced before i was born. I had an older brother who was seven years older than me. When I was 9 my mom met this man who moved us from "the hood" to a nice neighborhood, etc. I had been raised in church my entire life. The preacher whom I had known my entire life had moved. My mom and step father had met through church they were both teh music leaders. I grew up around the church inside and out my entire life even going private school. I was happy they were getting married at the time. However, he became very controlling. At 4:30 every morning we were to be at teh door waiting on him to kiss him hello. When he would hug me, he would hug right at my bra line numerous times. He took teh television out of the living room once my brother moved out so that I would have to lay w/ him in the bed to watch TV. He called it "family time". He would rub softly on my leg the entire time. I had told my mom that he made me uncomfortarable when he hugged me and she told me he was just touchy feely and I better not tell anyone and "ruin our new life". So, I never did. When I got older he started coming in teh wake me in teh a.m. rubbing my back softly, then it moved to where my boobs were on teh sides. I would pretend to be asleep and roll over. He would rub the other side. I would keep pretending to sleep and he would just continue. I hated it!!! I was too scared to say anything. One time my English teacher asked me if anything was happening at home and I told her no. Then it got to where he would beat my mom at least 3 times a week. I would wake up at 3:00 a.m. and he would be dragging her down teh hall, hitting her w/ rakes, etc. I was scared to death! When he would beat her, we would get in teh car and go to teh preacher's house and the pastor's wife would pray with my mom and they would tell her to go back home and "obey" him. Then he would come in teh bedroom with me to "console" me and rub on me the way Jim (step dad ) did. I would just wiggly around the same as I did with Jim. Alot of my life is a blur. I can tell you different parts etc. I have different memories than my brother does I do know that.

One weekend I went to my real dad's house and came home to find out my mom had left Jim and we lived in a one bedroom apartment shack/garage. I was somewhat relieved but yet I was so angry at her. Why???? Because I heard her on the phone one night saying how she has always suspected him touching me, etc. but never said anything. What had finally drew teh straw to make her leave? She found out her wedding ring was fake. Yep, not that she had suspected him touching her daughter or making her daughter witness him beating her mom constantly but that her ring was fake. Also, this was in high school so being a teen freshman is bad enough but having to share a garage apartment (bed also) with your mother is awful.

I never said anything but years later, a little girl I use to babysit turned the preacher in for molesting her. My mom defended him and said she was a liar. I quickly spoke up and said I believed her and she said "Why did he touch you". I said not like he did her but him and Jim both use to rub all over me and try and touch my boobs. She said, "oh, well thats' nothing". Really???!!! Yes it is something. I didn't tell her how on my 21st bday I had drinks (too many) and woke up to my husband having sex w/ me. He said, "don't say anything". I quickly rolled over in a fetal position and rocked for four hours straight. Now, you tell me why.......... I don't know. But, ever since that night, I swear more has happened to me and I am still screwed up sexually.

Yes this is just her step father but she will never trust another man. And, by you thinking it may be okay to forgive him, what are you going to do when your daughter has a daughter of her own. Do you think she is going to let her daughter stay with you and the man who molested her? She will never forget that. My mom has since married another man and I honestly think he is a good man. However, my daughters have never stayed the night w/ them. I have never said why. Now, if I am there they can. But never by themselves. If she was a bad judge of character then, how do I know she is better now. She still is close with the preacher who got charged and sent to jail for three counts of molestation in the church. But yet, she says, "Well, God would forgive him so should I". Well, you can forgive him from far away.

I do not mean to sound mean or anything but I am speaking from someone it happened to. I am all rowled up. I will probably not sleep for the next week :)

I hope I helped. Please!!! Show your daughter she is number one. Nobody else will and if her parents don't she is going to choose someone who doesn't put her first since she doesn't know how to be put first. Believe me, I know. I ended up marrying a verbal abusive person and stayed w/ him for nine years. I always told myself, "he doesn't beat me so I can't leave". I had no self esteem whatsoever. I can go on and on... LOL! I have had to talk this out ot myself and analyze my actions and I have realized now why I did things I did...it wwas out of anger to the people who are suppose to love you and support you no matter what. They failed me and I didn't even know it. I finally learned nobody can be a better support system than yourself. However, it took me 12 years to figure that out.

Iris - posted on 01/14/2013

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Sorry, This is Iris again, I'm the one that said, I would be praying for your and yours.

I meant to say, I pray everyday for my husband and all my family members. I realize after, becoming a Christian we all have hidden sins.

Some of us have repented through study of Gods words so we can be judged...The scriptures says if we judge ourselves we should not be judged.

One way you can tell a person has repented is when he or she study and go to the class and counseling sessions without anyone one pushing them to do so.

He has to admit he needs help and seek for help...He may need to be baptized obviously he did not repent of his sin and the accepting Jesus as Lord. Returning back to Jesus and accepting Jesus as Lord along with getting born again with water baptism for the remission of sins. acts2:32...forgive us for our sins....Make us new in Christ Jesus 2 Corinthians 5:17...God Add us to the Church of Christ Matthew 16:18...& Acts2:47 Than Heaven will be our home Revelation 2:10 I hope you will take the time to open your bible and read these scriptures and hopefully share them with your husband. Gods Precious Son Jesus Loves You All So Much. Jesus Proved When Gave His Life For The World and Whosoever Believe in Him Shall not Perish But Have Everlasting Life....You will get more Peace each day when you study Gods Promises to You.....Peace Iris

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