my little girl has lost her innocence

Roseanne - posted on 07/17/2010 ( 65 moms have responded )

4

0

0

After spending the night with my broken heart only shared with a box of tissues i still have not come up with what to say. My daughter whom is barely 14 has had sex with a 15 yo boy. She had shared this secret with my best friends daughter., they have known each other since birth and have always been good friends. Poor jill felt sick with despair when she told me, but said that their friendship must remain in tack. Her daughter was so devistated she just had to tell her mum, only if she promised never to tell a soul or their friendship would be over.

When she 1st told me i just wanted to go and get my child and hug her tight and keep her safe. I was totally gutted...i have never felt pain like this....my main concern was why she chose to do this. We talk often about sex, boys love right and wrong oral sex as i'm quite open, i always though this day would come but never this early.

I'm sure it's self esteem issues, let me give you an outline on my daughter, since she was a toddler, she's always been quite, passive and layback, like her father, not nerotic like her mum, , she was always the bigger kid, the tall one and in late primary no boys showed any interest in her, she hit puberty early and everthing changed., it just appeared physically, She was never one of the popular children but had friends., her best friend always lived away, but our families have always remained close and at the end of the year they will move here. She got on better with boys always and was bit of a tom boy her self. We plodded through life. Then almost overnight she turned into a swan, she was showered with attention, girls wanted her in their group, and of course boys liked her it was overwhelming., But highschool is cruel and she had rumous going around, kicked out of group to group., it would be intense one minute then it would die down. God knows what is going to become of this. this is big.,

I can tell my husband., he will go bulistic, i've spoken to my sister., she's been great, been there done it., I want to get this kid and slap him, threaten him., as i am sure he was just using her., i want to tell his parents but i know nothing about him. Apparently they did not use a condom., but she told her friend it hurt and he didnt ejeculate (cringe)... and she' wouldnt be doing that in a hurry again.

Look maybe my daughter wanted to see what it was like, i'm not putting all the blame on him., she has self esteem issues., since highschool all she's wanted it to be popular., perhaps this is how she thinks it will happen., not having any close girlfiends and more boys she doesnt realise a teenage boy thinks only about sex....

Jill and i sort of have a plan., she said i'm too much of a basket case to hide my feelings from my daughter, she has my daughter with her at the moment., she has spoken to her own daughter and they both agree an adult needs to be invoved and not teen advise. So Jill will drive her home and say that she had accidently overheard the conversation when she picked up the other phone., and try and get her to open up and perhaps tell me.....Apparently there is already a comment from this boy on face book saying 'she was good'., ............i'm crying again....this is the hardest thing i have ever faced .... any advise would be good.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lashanda - posted on 07/23/2010

6

12

0

I know this is painful. First Question would be do you believe in God. Do you trust in him, to know what it is he is doing? Then realize everything happens for a reason. We all have to go through things that will take us through a learning experience that will help us grow, become strong and a better person. You as a parent have to be very careful how you approach this touchy subject. This is a oppurtunity for your daughter to find out that no matter what she will be able to trust her mother, that she could come to her mother and talk to her about anything, that no matter what she knows that her mother will not judge her. If you panic and become paranoid and real strict when normally you are not that way, you will provoke and cause her to rebel. Continue to educate her, let her know that you do not condone her actions, even show her in the bible where fornication is wrong, teach her about condoms, just in case she does continue to have sex. You are not trying to be a friend, but you are doing what you can to be the kind of mother that understand and love her no matter what she does and that you have no problem showing that towards her.

Anne Marie - posted on 07/18/2010

116

7

6

I put a post on your pesonal wall. Just be there for your daughter. Let her know that you love her unconditionally. you can even tell her you felft something was wrong but didn't know what, a mothers intuition thing. That may help her open up in the future. Listen to her and how she felt about the experience. Support her with how ever she felt, support the good feelings, if any, and be there for the bad. You may even want to express how you felt about the first time. Let her know you are hurting for her too. If you think your husband will go ballistic don't tell him. Even if he promises not to let her know he may be so angry now or later that he blurts it out in anger. I know this sounds hippocritical but she has to know she can talk to you. It may even be that she is afraid of his reacction, not yours. If you know he willl go ballistic she likely knows it to. What is more important that he knows about this or that she knows she has a confident in you that she can talk to you about anything. My husband went ballistic on my daughter about haveing gone to a place she should never have gone and all it got us is increased rebellion, and increased secrecy. When the no condom comes up let her know you want her checked out medically, today that is a responsible decision. You actually have an opportunity to let your daughter know you love her uncondtionally and let he know she can come to you about anything. Grasp the opportunity and go with it, try and use this tragedy to increase the mother daughter bond I think it will be so helpful in the long run. You may feel guilty about not telling your husband but there are many things a mother and daughter will talk about as mother and daughter, he has to accept that. If he notices behaviour and askes what is wrong just tell him it is a female problem, involve hormones and all she needs is love and understanding, even if he can't understand the problem. Unconditional love is the only thing that will get you through tthis best of luck, let me know if I can be of any more help.

[deleted account]

I think one of the worst things we can do is be mad at our children over their sexuality. It is what it is, to be angry about it is to make it into something ugly. Sex should never be taught or shown as something ugly. What these children need is understanding. If they've already had sex then you need to move in a positive direction from there, not a negative one, and not depict sex as the big dirty evil thing that it IS NOT!

If they "almost" had sex then the worst thing you can do is act out in anger about it if you caught them before the act. You need to hug them and ask them what it is they need, what is missing from their lives that they feel the need to engage in something they are probably not emotionally ready for at this point. To be angry at them can ruin their sexual lives later in life and that is not something I would want to do to my child. Under the right and loving caring circumstances sex is a beautiful thing.

And always remember, once the genie is out of the bottle you can not stuff it back in. If they have had a sexual experience and it was enjoyable then you may as well accept that and do what you can to educate and promote safe sex.

For those that still have very young children, now is the time to be talking about this stuff, don't wait until they have reached that point. I would like to suggest a terrific sex education class called OWL put on by most UU churches. It is very graphic, especially the Jr. high program but, it is very worth it and most of these kids wait until they are ready. You do not have to be a member of UU to enroll your children in these classes and the classes do not proselytize UUism, it is just about the sex ed. But the parents do have to go to a couple of orientations before your child is allowed to be enrolled. I highly recommend them. They have them for all ages and stages.

Belinda - posted on 07/24/2010

6

5

0

I agree with the comment about all the criticism, there is no need, this website is designed for support and advice, the age gap between your daughter and this boy is very big and the boy more then likely did take advantage of the situation whether your daughter was ready or not, hope all works out well.

Roseanne - posted on 07/19/2010

4

0

0

I realise before going on this site i should prepare myself for critisism as well, but did not expect i needed to justify my daughters age in this matter with a judge and jury. She is 2 months off being 14, i only found out a few days later the boys age at being 17. I'm sure she new his age but couldnt tell me.

I contacted circle of mums to share my dilemma with others that may have gone through the same experience i just had, obviously i got more than i bargained for. Emotions are very raw at the moment so what you feel and what you do are 2 completely different things. I have no intention on laying charges for my daughters sake, though i would love to give this boy a good talking to.

Also when i was apologizing for it being " a bit of a novel' i meant in it's length! regardless, i dont think it was necessary to call someones real life heart-breaking experience as a 'soap opera!'

obviously contacting this sie was a bad idea, and please i do not wish any more replies, though i thank all the people that gave me support and encouragement during this difficult time.

PS: I realise 'it takes too to tango i; i wasnt born yesterday, but everything isnt so black and white. And in the state of NSW, the legal practice for consential sex is 16, between the ages of 10 - 15 the two parties must be no more that 3 years difference in age consent or not., There is a reason for these laws..think about it.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

65 Comments

View replies by

Kayanne - posted on 10/11/2012

3

26

1

I know the feeling I feel gutted too, just finding out my daughter of 15 lost her virginity to a 18 year old, it hurts so much, they grow up to fast these days, but I love my girl no matter Wat and I will always have respect for her.

Cindy - posted on 08/06/2010

1

0

0

Angie, I disagree with your statement "if she had sex she will have sex again". My oldest was so embarrassed that it was a year before she had sex again. I believe my daughter saw how hurt I was (hard not to show it) and how quickly your life can change if she were to have gotten pregnant and that kept her from having sex for a while. I feel for you Rose. Been there done that and have a 14 year old I am dealing with now. Hoping the second one is easier on me. ha.

Courtney - posted on 08/06/2010

5

12

0

If this were me, i would never let my daughter out of my sight. Teenage girls are so easily manipulated. I think i would also, if she had any respect for me, let her see me cry. I was a teenage mother at the age of 17. Teenage kids have a really warped sense of thinking. I only let my 14 year old daughter go over the houses of parents who are similar to me. I am strict and i have a no boy policy. All the boys at her school know where i stand on that too. I have a bat in the closet. We are still their parents and we have to keep them from harming themselves. Afterall, god gave them to us not just put them on this earth and say "go". I think you should maybe talk to your daughter and let her know that you know and inform her what she just did to herself. Maybe throw in a nice exam and std test at the gyn's office. she is obviously feeling some serious peer pressure and is a VERY sensitive girl so telling the boy's family will make her feel like she will never want to show her face in school again. But i still think you might want to tell them. You could end up saving that boy's life. I'd make a really big deal about this. This is some seriously life altering stuff that has some serious consequences both mentally and physically. Kids this age think they know it all and think they are ready to make adult decisions. Teenage brains are growing like crazy and are NOT ready to make these sort of decisions. I wish you luck

Tanya - posted on 08/05/2010

12

266

2

I'm so sorry you are going through so much. I remember that day, uuuggghhhh. My daughter was a little older, but I don't think the feeling changes. Life does go on.

One of the best things to do, is get someone outside of the family your daughter can confide in. As you are doing with your friend. It will be easie for her to talk if she doesn't feel like she is awful, bad, any negative feelings. Feeling safe will allow her to open up more to you.

I understand the basket case stuff. So many of us are. We do have to calmly listen, without the gut reaction of tears, anger, any negative emotion. Unfortunately, that is our job as parent/teacher. We need to teach our children the proper ways, so they do not run and turn to their peers for all of their answers.

Good luck.

Brandi - posted on 08/05/2010

4

42

0

Rose, being a mother/parent is a hard thing to do. I found out about my daughter on my own because she was two months late. She was barely 15, when I confronted her she first denied it and than I scared her into thinking she might be pregnant, luckily she was not. I remember feeling betrayed and sick to my stomach. My daughter and are very close up to the day we start our menstral,when I noticed she had not started hers for two months I decided to confront her, if it were not for that I do not think she would have every told me.
Hang in there it will all work out in the end.

[deleted account]

Hmmm, I don't pray, I know lots of people that don't pray, and we all find comfort and in lots of different ways. I find comfort in my communities. So, even if not to your god you are still saying your way is the only way, in this case that prayer will bring comfort. And I shouldn't have to leave or not read here because I have a difference of opinion than you do. Another fallacy and a holier than thou attitude IMO. Whether the original poster believes in prayer or not, it is not up to others to decide that that is what is right for her because, really, you just don't know! If it was offered up as a, "some people find comfort in prayer or belief," that would be one thing. But to tell people you need to pray, or find Jesus (which some have said), or come to god, is downright proselytizing and is nobody's business but hers.

Nichelle - posted on 08/05/2010

5

19

0

we all have different beliefs, but for the most part people pray, I didn.t say pray to my God, I said pray. because that is the only way you will find some comfort. Now if you are offended maybe you should n't be on here reading the replies.

Terri - posted on 08/03/2010

58

32

1

Well, What is the name of this perfect little town with these perfect people in it? I bet you think that the children in your town are not experiementing with drugs either! Just keep burying your head in the sand. You make statements that are riduculous! Do you go to school with your children? I know this will shock you but kids have had sex at school! And NEVER had a pregnant teenager in your town? Wow! I challenge that statistic. THE ONLY QUESTION I have for you is what was the point in your post? What were you trying to accomplish? What did you accomplish?

Jane - posted on 08/03/2010

1,041

5

69

Being you have always been opened with your daughter, your role right now is to stay that way. Be there for her, do not judge, do not get angry at the boy, do not isolate her. While it is heartbreaking realize this...it is what it is...it's over, it's done. If she comes to you just listen, hug her, tell her that it was a very adult thing to do and ask her how she feels about it. Let her drive the conversation...but ask non-judgemental, non-threatening questions to get her to talk. The most important thing now is to keep the lines of communications OPEN! If you show any resentment towards the situation or the boy, you'll isolate her and potentially push her towards him or another boy.

Hang in there mom....I can feel your pain through your email. I know it's devastating but again, it's over. You can't turn back time. All you can do is try to guide her future! BIG HUGS!!!!!

Nichelle - posted on 08/03/2010

5

19

0

I truly understand what your going through I have had to deal with a similar incident. I almost crawled out of my skin. I felt so betrayed, not that I thought my children are perfect but because I thought they respected me. It just happen that her father and I happen to have caught them before anything happen. But the fact that my baby was trying to be grown was to much to deal with, I'm glad I had him to lean on. I always wonder what type of things I would have to deal with never thought it would be boys.I tried to explain the good and the bad about it but I guess it wasn't good enough.The only thing I can say is pray, cause every time I walk pass the room it makes me mad.So know that you aren't alone.

Zatonda - posted on 08/03/2010

119

32

5

Roseanne, this is not your fault, we live in a day and age if a child want to do something they will do it, I find those parents that watch their child have double the problem cause a child knows how to work around them. You did nothing wrong, and your right you have every right to voice you concern. I would never want to have to face what you did, but stuff happens. Children tell you they are somewhere else and end up other places, the issues in this situation is trust. you child broke that, however it's not the end of the world, once she regain your trust back allow her to be a child, and allow her to understand how hurt you was. Sometime I think some parent forget when they were that age, you have a good child and and don't let no one tell you different. I don't think one person in this world has not made a mistake, if so I wish they would show me their serect. you have a bless day and know you shall get pass this. I know you and your daughter will have a wonderful relationship .

Susan - posted on 08/01/2010

1

0

0

Thank you for sharing your pain. I know one day I will feel some of the same emotions, you are strong, beautiful & always a Mom. Trust your instincts & listen with your heart! You will know when the time is right to share this with your husband or not, listen to your instincts!!

[deleted account]

as much as you are hurting right now your daughter needs you. i can remeber the day i found out my daughter lost her innocence at the age of 14. i myself am a young mom. i have always been open with my daughter. we talk about everything. i express my concerns and my dreams for her. i went without a lot to get her to where she is today. to give her the things i have. the only advise i can give you is to be there for your daughter. talk to her even though she doesn't want to talk. let her know you love her. her body is a very special thing and shouldn't just be shared with anyone. good luck and be strong...

[deleted account]

Religion is divisive. Can we please not use this forum to proselytize. If someone is looking for religion (which doesn't cleanse but muddies the waters IMNSHO) I am sure they can find what they are looking for in a church of their choosing. Your path may not be the path others want to choose, it could even be insulting to some.

Cynthia - posted on 07/30/2010

22

23

0

It is a very sad thing, but the one thing that caught a lump in my throat is that you aen't telling your husband? Her father? Who should be the one to protect her and hold her and be there for his little girl?You can't tell your hubby? The one you are supposed to be one with...Maybe that is why it happened.
I know my dad wasn't there for me and so I used sex to get his attention. It wasn't the right kind of att. but it worked. All I wanted was the the love from my dad that I didn't have. I am so sad for you because it all must be tormenting you. Please know though that Jesus Christ cleanses and makes all things new. He is the only one that can restore her. He was my only hope. I pray she finds that freedom too. There is freedom and restoration in Christ.

[deleted account]

I meant to say "the right to be judgmental" I'm sure most people got that.

I'm sorry to be snippy but, count yourself lucky if you are absolutely certain your kids are not having sex or doing drugs. I feel very certain but, one never knows.

I do feel bad for kids that are under that much supervision also, I don't think that's right either. I do agree that they should not be in a situation where it would be easy for them to have sex but, I think teens also need a certain amount of privacy and privilege. That would be based on trust though. I don't think it's health for them to be "over" supervised IOW. Adults have to find a healthy balance.

[deleted account]

I meant to say "the right to be judgmental" I'm sure most people got that.

I'm sorry to be snippy but, count yourself lucky if you are absolutely certain your kids are not having sex or doing drugs. I feel very certain but, one never knows.

I do feel bad for kids that are under that much supervision also, I don't think that's right either. I do agree that they should not be in a situation where it would be easy for them to have sex but, I think teens also need a certain amount of privacy and privilege. That would be based on trust though. I don't think it's health for them to be "over" supervised IOW. Adults have to find a healthy balance.

[deleted account]

Well count yourself lucky Sherri because I've known of kids who were having sex in bathrooms at the schools, during school hours. So much for adult supervision, or do the teachers go to the bathroom with the teenagers in your town?

And when you're sleeping. I was a pretty naive kid, oh so many years ago, and I knew kids who were having sex right under their parents noses, literally, and the parents thought nothing was going on.

Hopefully your town will remain pregnant free. I wouldn't wish that on anyone's teenager. But really, it doesn't give you or anyone else to be judgmental of this situation. You weren't there, you don't know the full circumstances.

Sherri - posted on 07/30/2010

9,593

15

387

Well I can not understand at 14 where were the adults. Sorry but I know where my kids are 24 hrs a day you don't like my opinion don't read it. My kids are never without adult supervision and none of there friends are either. We all are very watchful of our children and therefore we don't run into situations such as these. We don't have one single pregnant teen in our town. How many of the rest of you can say that? Sorry but supervision is the only answer to this problem.

P.S. if you are going to slam spell my name right please.

[deleted account]

Kathy, how can you say you are not pointing fingers and then ask the question, "Where were you?" WTF? This mother does not need your judgment. There have been plenty of times when anyone of us could have left our teen child in the hands of other adults thinking they were safe only to find out they weren't. It happens. That was a terrible jab of a question. We cannot be there every moment of every single day of their lives.

I agree with Terri H. You are a great mom and things like this have happened in the best of families. Sex is not the end of the world, while I don't condone it for young teens it is a natural biological function. Teens are very sexual beings and will explore and, sometimes, go to far. It has happened, now you need to move forward. Don't blame yourself or your daughter though I don't think very highly of the boy right now. He was older he should have set the bar, period.

I am sick of our society blaming parents and, most especially women. Do not accept it Roseanne, those that would blame you have their own stuff they are dealing with, I feel quite certain. It doesn't matter where you were. I have a cousin, when we were teens she would sneak her boyfriend into the house after her parents were asleep and they would have sex on the living room floor. If they are going to have sex there is not much you can do to stop it. So, don't let anyone place blame on you.

When bad stuff happens I often say, "This too shall pass." And it will, it is not the end of the world. Is there someone your daughter can talk to, confide in? Is there a way you can tell her you found out because he posted it on facebooks and you want to be there for her and you are open to her if she needs you. That is what she will need most of all right now.

HUGS

Terri - posted on 07/30/2010

58

32

1

Sherrie, don't do that! you are not a perfect parent and this site is not for you to be critical, which is your way of trying to make yourself be superior. You my dear are not a perfect parent, and you will find this out one day, and you too will need support. Kids at 14 need to be taken and dropped off for events and it is part of growing up, You have to give them your trust and guess what sometimes they will make bad decesions. It is a natural part of growing up. But this Mother is a good Mother and she is looking for advice and support. Kids sometimes lie to you so that they can do things they know we as parents want approve of. They will lie to us because they don't want us to think badly of them.
sometimes they do things and we never find out. This is a growing process and how they become adults and learn to make good decesions. Your kids will find a way to do what they want as well. I think if you can't be positive then you shouldn't repsond at all. What was the point of hurting someone's feelings when they were reaching out for help? Roseanne, you are a great Mom, and don't feel like you made a mistake for reaching out on this site because someone found the need to put you down to build themselves up. I read a lot of positive post and only a couple of negative ones. I had a parent that always made little jabs at me when my son was growing up, making me feel like a never measured up as a parent. Their kids have had many problems with drugs, and other things that I will not go into on this site because I love their child, and I don't won't to be critical. So Point is there is one in every crowd! Again, good luck!

Terri - posted on 07/30/2010

58

32

1

Thank goodness she has such a wonderful Mother. Just remember that this does not define her. She needs to know that this was just a physical thing for the little jerk that has posted on FB, and I would def call his parents and put a quick stop to that, and try to make him retract and apoligize. If the 15 year old boy has good parents they will not be pleased either. So you have a 50/50 chance there. But with that said I would like for you to re-think telling her Dad. Give him some credit. Maybe he will go ballistic, but maybe he is the answer. Little girls need a strong male role-model and she needs her Daddy now. Have some faith there, You married him and had children with him, do not leave him out. He is also, your support and ya'll are in this together. So while she is away tell him and give him some time while he has some distance from her, giving him time to think, and process the situation.
I know that you have a broken heart. I am so sorry for you! I have no actual advice for you, just that I am proud that your daughter has such caring parents. Whatever you do will be the right thing. I will pray for you and good luck. Just remember that this too will pass. And the Face book thing may be a good way for you to approach her on it. You can say, that a parent called you and told you that it was on there. Then I strongly suggest that you and your husband go and see his parents. But please be calm, no physical altercations.
Stop crying, talk to your husband, talk to your daughter, and you will be fine! You are a great MOM! Good Luck!

[deleted account]

Oh gosh Roseanne, sweetie, I don't know you or your daughter but I feel your pain. I know you said no more replies but I feel like you need to hear some support. I agree people haven't been great on that for you here. I don't care if she consented or not, she's not even 14 for crying out loud and I agree this boy needs a good talking to. At 17 he had the upper hand and those of you who think for a minute that this was mostly her fault, she consented, either don't remember being 13 and/or didn't have the problems some 13 year olds have at that tender age. This young girl was used and abused in my not so humble opinion. A 17 yo boy has no business being with a 13 yo in a sexual relationship. It is rape IMO, she is not old enough to know what she is doing let alone be consensual.

I have no advise for you sweetie, other than your daughter is going to need your love and support and not your admonishment. She made a mistake, true it is a big one but, she needs to feel loved right now more than anything.

And those of us with sons need to teach our boys respect for girls and young women, that their bodies are not play things for a boys enjoyment. I hope my son has learned the lessons I have taught him well. If he ever did something like this to a young girl I would be livid, I don't care if she threw herself at him, and not saying your girl did Roseanne. He is old enough to have said no and taken her home respectfully and explained to her why it would be wrong. Parents of boys need to teach their sons this, period.

I feel your pain.

Tina - posted on 07/30/2010

54

15

2

I read every one of these posts. Alot of advise from several viewpoints. I also read yours saying you did not want any more on the topic. I feel your heartache. I would love to post my story but don't want the world to know all I did and went through as a teen. My sexual escapades, fears, hiding it, and now my feelings as to why. If you would like to know why I believe I did it as a teen it may give you some insight into your daughters thoughts and feelings. I have been there. Send me a message if you would like me to share with you my personal story and thoughts on myself. Not you or your daughter, just mine. It may help you both. Blessings for your family,.

Kathy - posted on 07/30/2010

1

20

0

I am not pointing fingers...but where was she when this happened and where were you?

Vicky - posted on 07/30/2010

6

21

0

Telling them they could get pregnant doesn't scare them away from it, take it from a teen who did get pregnant. 16 to actually, pregnancy fell through later, but I got pregnant again. So that really does not work. We need to instill in our girls that they are worth waiting for. The reward is much sweeter when you wait.

Steffanie - posted on 07/29/2010

115

27

2

It is never easy when a child chooses a path that can cause her heartache, as well of very adult consequences. I feel your pain, I have boys, and thank goodness none of them are as of yet sexually active.

I think that you should talk to her, and let her know that you are aware of her having sex. If you feel she has self esteem issues, than have her see a counselor about it. Being a teenager myself with self esteem issues, it can be very hard to fit in, and girls can be vicious and cruel.

You should let her know that you don't approve of her behavior, but you love her regardless of what she chooses to do. Make sure she is on birth control asap, and go over how to properly use a condom. I would drag her butt to the gyno asap. Make sure she isn't pregnant, and have the doctor help her understand how risky her behavior is not to use protection while having sex.

I wouldn't tell your husband, if you think he will just exasperate an already heartbreaking situation...

Suzie - posted on 07/29/2010

28

25

0

Honey, at this point I would be more worried about her being pregnant. She thinks he didn't get off but he could have ejeculated just enough. My advice is put a good scare in her. Talk to her about the whole thing because if she is not pregnant it would make her think twice the next time she is in a situation like that or not. Also, speak to your husband because she is his child ,too. He has a right to know. Good luck.

Heather - posted on 07/29/2010

5

33

0

I am a mom to a 19yr old girl and a 15 and surprise 6 yr old boys. Ill never forget my daughter going camping w family friends and the promise from his mom to keep my little 14yr old babygirl safe. Thank god my daughter has always been open with me but yes my heart broke into a million peices as I was told what happened and even a few yrs later I still would get so furious and not understand why. As my daughter and I were talking at 17 I finally realized why I was so angry and all you can do is love your babygirl and let her know no matter what you will always be her rock and there to support her decision no matter how much it hurts. We have to be there for our girls so they will come to us. They need our guidance and support. I tell my daughter I may not like what she chooses but im always there. Thats what is important. Hug her and pray she will wait to do it agian and hope to preserve some innocence. Try to keep trust in her and know youve given her skills to be safe and come to you when she needs to.

Vicky - posted on 07/29/2010

6

21

0

I was just given a book review and it made me think of you and your daughter. It's called "The Invisible Bond" written by Barbara Wilson.

Vicky - posted on 07/29/2010

6

21

0

It's interesting that I am reading your story. It is so tragic that our children are feeling the pressures and need to be sexually active at such young ages. I'm only in my mid thirties and yet I could end up a grandparent so easily. Scary.

What I really wanted to say was something I learned today. I plan on using it myself on my teenage boy. When you are talking to her tell her who she is in regards to the virtues you really want her to be. For example. You are saying she has acceptance issues, then tell her you know she is a young maturing woman who is full of self acceptance and self worth. When my girlfriend gave me this, it was an eye opener. It relates to the "Get more of what you foucs on" idea.

Plus just keep up your open communication with her and tell her what your fears are for her, tell her why you had wanted her to wait. I don't mean b/c you could get and STI (they are not called STDs anymore), etc she already knows this. Tell her what it will do for her own selfworth if she continues down this path, like the harsh reality of becoming a parent so young. Hopefully it's only been the first time and you can maybe stop it in it's tracks.

Praying for you and your daughter.

Sherri - posted on 07/29/2010

9,593

15

387

I think I am more upset that they were left alone someplace that they could have intercourse. I have an almost 14 yr old and he is never without adult supervision so I am shocked that they had this lack of supervision. If you don't want it to happen again in the near future I would definitely be giving more supervision as well as that now that she is sexually active you need to get her to a gynecologist for annual exams as well.

Zatonda - posted on 07/29/2010

119

32

5

Talk to her, I would take her to a doctor and let them explain to her all the things that could happen. I know as a mother it is hard to hear that, My mother had to hear that, but it was too late. I now have a 25yr old daughter that I had at15, way too young to be a mother. The best thing is to keep the lines of comunication open. If she told her friends then she was not really hiding it, just from you. Which is something that concerns me, however just sit and speak to her. Having a mom you can trust and go to is on the best things you can give a daughter at that age. You did nothing bad.

Megan - posted on 07/28/2010

19

10

0

OUCH!!!!!! Honestly all you can do is take a deep breath and be there to support if and when she feels she can talk to you.
When it comes to our kids and their choices there is a limit to how much credit or blame can be put on us. So stop blaming yourself, she made a choice she will have to live with and all moms have to eventually let go but stay close enough to help them when they let us.
That said when my oldest was in High School I remember fantasizing over the pain I wanted to inflict on the "mean girls" and idiot boys. Watching our kids navigate the teen years opens all our old wounds and brings back the guilt we felt for the wounds we may have inflicted on others.

Cynthia - posted on 07/28/2010

41

1

0

if your daughter did this due to self esteen issues or is dealing with any form of peer pressure or problems at school such as rumors in social ways then you need to get counselling on board so she can share out those feelings with someone who will just listen, rather then acting on them, and this will help her self esteem and help re-open your lines of communication. you can explain to the counsellor in a pre-meet with just you and them what all your concerns are before she meets with them and trust they will not tell her what you said but they will make note so they know where to go with the conversations they have with her.

Rebecca - posted on 07/28/2010

94

21

1

I too had sex for the first time at the age of 14. It was aweful & I didn't do it again for many years. My Aunt told my mom but no one ever told my dad. A man needs to look as his daughter as a princess & to tell him will only change their relationship forever. I suggest letting your sister open the conversation with her as you said & then together they could come to you & you will then have to handle it rationally because if you freak out on her she will not come to you in the future. My best friend just went through this with her oldest daughter also & after the talking was over the doctor appointments were made to get her tested for STDs and pregnancy. Unfortunately my friends daughter did contract something from the guy she had given herself to. Sometimes it just doesn't matter how open a relationship you have with your children, they will do what they need to do at their own pace when they want. It sounds like she regrets what she did & might be serious about not doing it again for awhile. Since this boy is saying things on his FB account I believe you will have to talk to his parents & get it removed before it ruins the rest of her highhh school years. Stay strong & stay calm. Good luck.

Brenda - posted on 07/28/2010

1

21

0

Have her friend recommend going to the family planning clinic for birth control. The counselors there will not only help her chose which method is best for her (pill, iud, diaphram, etc.) but will also stress the importance of using a condom and/or a spermicide. Perhaps her friend can persuade her to come to you, not necessarily with the confession, but maybe just to ask you to accompany her to the clinic.
I know it is difficult to accept the situation since you more fully understand the depth of this choice she has made. Depending on if she becomes educated to the fact that the pain was from losing her virginity, not something permanently associated with each sexual encounter. The pain from his betrayal is another thing altogether, maybe enough to help her understand why it is more important to wait until she is in a real relationship.
I know your heart is breaking, but now is the time to love her enough to use your head so you can communicate with her factually and not emotionally. Again, I recommend Family Planning. Perhaps her friend can suggest going and the two go together. I think the neutrality of the clinic would be less intimidating than taking her to her family doctor or an ob/gyn, although if you can find a way to suggest that w/out her catching on that you know of the encounter then a private appt w an ob/gyn would be great. She'd have privacy from you and her peers (even better than family planning), the doctor would be neutral and have experience speaking with young women regarding birth control.
Speaking from someone who was insecure, much more so than my peers (or anyone probably) realized, and who developed very young, I can relate to the jealousy and rumors that spread from the boys and girls yet challenging her to experiment and buckle to the pressure placed on her.
Yes, she is still very much a little girl, but, she is also a young woman. She has reached the point where she is now a rose bud. Before she was growing from seed to the stem and the plant, now she is the bud, emotionally at least, or maybe open a bit, but not yet fully bloomed.
Children experiment, and feel the pressure to reach milestones, at a much earlier stage than even when we were their age, and that was much younger than our parents. If you could perhaps rent a movie, maybe Little Darlings since it has been playing recently on HBO or Showtime, to be watching non-chalantly, but would serve as a great bridge to open the discussion you'd like to have with her, about why it is important to be prepared, to think for herself, to avoid putting herself in a situation to be forced to make that decision (safety in numbers) and provide her the tools, the courage, the verbiage and confidence to say no and not feel pressured. The day will come when she will feel physically ready, hopefully emotionally/mentally at the same time, whether she is in the right relationship or not, and she needs to know it is okay. It is HER choice to say yes or no w/out feeling guilty, but how very important it is to know the full range of consequences; the risk of STDs (now is the time to consider the HPV vaccine) and how some don't show symptoms which can have dire consequences, some are permanent - non-life threatening, but permanent nonetheless, and how some have the potential to cost her her life. Girl Positive comes to mind. Last but not least, pregnancy is another consequence (Life in the day of the average teen - I thin is what it's called). Oh, and as she's already realizing another consequence, reputation. Maybe her friend could suggest planned parenthood and you suggest a visit to the ob/gyn.
Now is the time for you to be the mom that loves her enough to welcome her into womanhood, prepare her. Educate her with all the facts you wish you'd known at her age, or what you knew when you were a few years older than she is.
Be thankful that she is at least talking to someone, someone worthy of her trust, who is a true friend and recognizes that she needs to reach out for an adult. I pray that somewhere in all of this she realizes that her mom is also her best friend, someone she CAN come to with questions. I realize it and I only know you through one blog. I know that you love her and want to be sure you do all that you can to provide the best way to handle this situation because its best for her.
I pray that it works out for the best. We always want the best for our children and suffer when they don't pursue or reach that goal. She has a few things for her, at least one very good friend, who in turn has a relationship good enough to be comfortable to go to her mom for things (even if its on her friend's behalf) who is the friend of a loving and dedicated mother. BTW, if the situation was reversed and it had been her friend in this situation, I am confident it would be your daughter speaking to you on her friend's behalf. Don't feel betrayed that your daughter didn't come to you. She wants to feel grown up and she is probably embarrassed among other things.
Sorry this was lenghthy, and I hope it wasn't preachy. It isn't that I think I know so much, but I lost my virginity at 14 to the boy I thought I'd be with forever. Our daughter was born when I was 15. My daughter is now 30 with three amazing and beautiful children. I also have two boys, one 29 and the other 16 and still search for answers and wonder every day about the choices I make or made.
Best of luck, and if you'd like to discuss this further (or actually even if you'd care to just let me know how things are going) I'd love to hear. In case it doesn't show, my email is bhappy526@yahoo

Hang tough mom. Love always finds a way. She has you so she has more of a chance than many.

God Bless,
Brenda

Lisa - posted on 07/27/2010

22

6

1

I am terribly sorry that you have gone though this and I can't understand judgmental tone of a couple of the posts. I myself have 2 teenage boys (14 and 16) and I still feel your pain so that excuse is out the window. I think I would be just as upset as you are. Just remember that this will pass and things will get better.

Tammy - posted on 07/27/2010

1

154

0

My heart breaks for you! All I can say is you are doing all the right things right now! You have to find a way to be involved. She needs your input, but don't judge her! Just try to help her to understand that she's so much more, & so much better than this! I hate to say this because I know this will hurt you but, put her on birth control! The last thing she needs at this very difficult time is to end up with a baby to take care of.
But, remember this will pass. She will grow & learn so much from all of this & in the end she will be a strong wonderful woman! And when the heartbreak comes for her because of the rumors she will need you more than ever! Remind her that she will probably only keep one or two friends from high school into her adult life! I really think you should try to tell your husband! He can be a huge help by showing her loads of attention that she obviously wants & at this age Dad can really fill that need! I understand your heartbreak but let's remember also that this is not the end of the world! It's not cancer dear! So, just love her & you'll get through this together! Praying for peace for you!

Michele - posted on 07/26/2010

5

5

0

I have gone thru what you are going thru with your daughter. We as mothers besstill in our daughters the values of saveing their selfs for marriage for that special someone. We can tell them all about sex and what can happen if they should have sex. We can't allways be with our daughters 24/7 to know their every move.We can try to trust them but sometimes it doesn't happen that way. As for me and my daughter i found out from a friend that she had sex for the first time. I was so very mad and so hurt. I asked her aboutit and she denied it so i told her we would go to the doctors to find out. We or should i say i knew. I i have since then put my daughter on birth control for the reason i do not want her to become pregnant. Yes i know iam know some think by doing that iam giving her permission to have sex. Iam not! Teens are going to do it and will find the way to do it. Be there for your daughter. And get her on some kind of birh control. God Bless!

Donna - posted on 07/24/2010

6

11

1

When my daughter, who was 16 at the time, told me about her first event... I felt like you... devastated and so unsure.. and then scared too.
My daughter has struggled with depression (nearly manic) since she was 10 so some of her behavior had set me up for expecting some of the worse, yet this came as a total heart stopper for me. I found not being judgemental was key to keeping the communication open. I have also learned that I had to think alot before speaking because while I felt I wasnt being judgemental, she was often taking my words as such.
Remind her often you love her. Remind her often how valuable she is, and that sex is not a healthy way to find LOVE.
As for that boy, I would print his page and go see his parents. They may not realize he is already womanizing at such a young age. Self esteem is hard to come by as a teen in modern times.... Be strong for your daughter because she needs you to be strong and direct. If you are a person of faith, I advise praying for wisdom to enter your conversations because ultimately the girls who enter into sexual life early are the ones who are often needing love or acceptance, to their own feelings.
I advise immediate conversations about birth control and stds. I have been amazed to find how little all of the education at the schools actually teaches... there are good websites out there for resources and help on these topics.

[deleted account]

My mom knew before I left the house that I was going to have sex. When I got home she asked me if I went through with it. I told her I had and I was mortified because she'd told my dad. My mom wasn't the huggy kind but she let me k.ow everything would be ok and that I had an appointment with the doctor in a few days. I had a complete check up and was started on birth control. My mom said if I was old enough to make adult decisions than I needed to protect myself from disease & pregnancy. Most of what I held onto was the fact that she wasn't angry with me. Good luck with your little girl. It sounds like she has a great mom. As the mom of sons, I hope that my boys never treat a girl like that punk treated your daughter.

Lori - posted on 07/23/2010

51

3

3

Roseanne,

I wanted to tell you that I am sorry that you are feeling so upset by your daughter's behavior. Whether she chose to have sex and was a willing participant or even instigator, or whether she just let it happen by not saying no or stopping it from happening in some other fashion, it DID happen, and it DOES seem to have upset you. I have teen daughters - I know what it's like to wish they would behave in certain ways under certain circumstances, and to have to make peace with the fact that they are not always going to choose for themselves what you would choose for them.

Since your daughter is aware that you know, this might open up a whole new chapter of communication with her for you. She is becoming a young woman, and is discovering her own sexuality. You can still influence her behavior with regard to good choices involving sex - and most especially issues relating to her health and well-being. YOU have to look out for her in this regard, no matter how it tears at your heart. She is too young yet to understand the ramifications or her decisions, so you have to help her learn. A boy will NEVER look out for her, physically, the way you will. In this regard, you need to make her understand that this is still greatly YOUR responsibility to her until she is of legal 'adult' age. Start there. Make sure she knows that first and foremost you love her and only want the best things for her.

As for the boy - he is on the peripheral. Start with your daughter, and what SHE feels, and what SHE wants, and what is best for HER well-being. And yes, get some outside counseling help if she is receptive - it will help you to have a sounding board, and it will help her to have an objective third party, NOT emotional involved, to run her thoughts past.

Do not let this be a hurtful thing. Your daughter is becoming a young woman - maybe faster than you think she should, and maybe not the way you WISH she would. But she still needs you there to help her. And no matter her choices, she is still your daughter, whom you will always love endlessly.

Take a deep breath. It will be okay - it will, I promise!!!! Hugs to you!!!!

[deleted account]

That is difficult, especially at her age. My daughter lost her virginity at 18 by a boy taking advantage of her, and it totally changed her. I hope that you can counsel her, and if that isn't enough, she should get professional help. It's important to stress that it isn't her fault, it's something that happened, and of course, the boy is hateful for bragging about it on FB. But she needs to work on her self-esteem so that she isn't always looking to find it with boys. That's where my daughter is at. She can't seem to be happy on her own, and her choice of BF's are too quick and turn out terrible. I hope your daughter will learn from this mistake, and that she does OK. Take care.

Eileen - posted on 07/21/2010

84

10

2

I know you said, no more comments, but I wanted to show you some support. I know how you feel; your story is too familiar...

Leslie - posted on 07/21/2010

61

8

1

Dearest Roseanne
I think the best thing you could do for you and your daughter right now is to educate her about the whys and wherefores of young males. Teach her it is okay to stand up for herself, run, scream, say no thank you. Also teach her that unless she does want to have sex with a young male she has no business being alone with him. I think a great a great disservice is done to young women when they are allowed to believe that male/female adolescent relationships are all puppy dogs and rainbows. Give her the gritty truth and it will serve her well.

Louise - posted on 07/21/2010

5,429

69

2296

I really feel for you. Having two teenage sons I can not even imagine how you feel. I also have a toddler daughter and the thought of her doing this makes me shudder. Now you are in this position all you can do is talk to your daughter and see what reaction you get. It is dificult to get your innocence back and if she has put this on facebook you are in for a backlash from her friends. Try and keep the lines of communication open and if you suspect she is having sex again then take her to the doctors and have them explain the dangers of unprotected sex and the dangers of having sex to young. She may listen to an outsider. She was very young to lose her virginity but it has happened. Don't dwell on it nothing you can do can restore that. Just try and guide her into something else that will boost her self image rather than seeking male attention. She sounds as if councelling to help her with self image and worth would be beneficial. Good luck. x

Alina - posted on 07/21/2010

5

19

0

I have a 16 year old son. I know it's not the same as a daughter...my daughter is only 10 right now but I understand what you mean about the young age. The best statement a friend said to me in a difficult time was "This too will pass." I try to repeat this to myself in times like these. Raising a teen right now when sexual promiscuity is shown everywhere is very hard. I think the plan you have devised with your friend is great. I hope your daughter feels comfortable enough with her to confide in her. If she does, you could use each other as "go to adults" when the girls have a touchy subject to discuss. Do you have any younger men in your circle that could talk with her about what teenage boys are like? Good luck! I am nervous about when my own daughter reaches high school too but for now you have to take one step at a time and see what she and your friend discuss.
Have you considered counseling for her self esteem issues? I could have used it in high school.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms