My son is about to have his heart broken. How can I help him?

Aimee - posted on 08/18/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I can tell by his "girlfriend's" behavior what's about to happen. It won't be the first time she's done it. They always remain friends (basically without the title) but I know he is the type that just wants to have a girlfriend and be done with all of the drama. He's almost 15 - but like his dad in that way - resistant to change. Luckily sports are ramping up and that always diverts his attention but he's so sweet and good-looking I hate to see him go through this.

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Renee - posted on 08/19/2011

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Well, being on the other side of this recently (last April), I might be able to give some insight. I was also friends with the boyfriend's mom, so she told me her side as well.

My daughter isn't a mean person, she's just 15 and the relationship went stale because they are both so young and she felt trapped. Plus they were fighting a lot and he was jealous, both of them caused the fights equally.

Well, when she broke it off, he was crushed at first. He loved her so much (thought he did) and instead of mending his broken heart, he resorted to begging and writing poems to her, even sent them to ME to show her! This went on for weeks. She didn't want him hurting, but she didn't want to date him anymore either, so she kind of tried to console him without getting back together (because begging for her is a HUGE turn off). She felt SO BAD. A girl that used to date him told my dd to just be mean so he leaves her alone, so she did that and WOW did he change!

He started stalking her, started spreading lies about our whole family too! It was really ugly. He went from in love to extreme hate and threatening too. Finally it died down (took over 3 months though).

Now, I don't know your son, but if he trusts you enough, be there for him emotionally. This other boy's mom just left her son alone and it messed him up. Don't say anything about how this is a part of being a teen, there are other girls, it's her loss, etc. That will only make him think you don't get it. Don't badmouth the ex either, and tell him not to. Tell him that space is what most girls that age need and not to try to get her back by begging or texting her. Listen when he needs to talk, but don't push it. Maybe when it feels right, change the subject or do something together or as a family that's fun to get his mind off her. If he asks you questions, be honest but kind about it. All you can do is love him, which it sounds like that's what you are doing. Trust me, and I mean this (if any other moms have been on the other side of a breakup where your teen broke it off, you might agree), I've experienced my dd having a broken heart too, but when she is the one breaking his heart, it's really tough on this side too (if her parents are close to her like I am to my dd). It sucks, no matter what, but it goes away (as any of us that have survived broken hearts know).

Take care and I hope this helps...
Renee

JuLeah - posted on 08/23/2011

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Focus on what he can learn from this, how he doesn't need a title or even a gf to be happy. He is sweet and good looking and strong .... he doesn't need drama, doesn't need a gf, and change is good. He can learn, he can grow, he can figure out what he wants in a gf, what type of bf he can/wants to be .... many many good things follow heart break ... lessons he learns here will serve him well when he has an adult relationship that might last many years

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Pamela - posted on 08/22/2011

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15 is way too young to have a steady girl friend or boy friend. They are not mature enough to handle a close relationship that is exclusive. Its best for them to remain friends and not be jealous of other friendships that develop.
You can also help him realize that entering into an exclusive relationship does put him up for risk. When we love someone....we are willing to take that risk. It is also important for young men to realize that girls that are friends or (girlfriends) need their space to develop their own sense of who they are. He wouldn't want to hold her back from that and make her feel trapped. Young men are usually insecure in their relationships with young women and tend to want to manipulate the girl into staying with them. Its important that you have an honest talk with him and help him realize that this is often the beginnings of bad habits that plague future relationships.My son is 18. At the age of 15 there was a young girl that he really liked but he was mature enough to realize that neither he nor she were ready for anything exclusive. She was upset by that.....but he kept in contact with her as a friend......and now they are dating and are glad they didn't allow a lot of drama back then that would have ruined things for them now.

Marlene - posted on 08/20/2011

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Let it runs its course, you should not interfer. But be there for him as there will be many break ups to come. Its part of learning about relationships. Hard, but necessary.

Aimee - posted on 08/19/2011

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Thanks Tamara. Oddly, it seems she was punished from her phone so they were on the phone to one another until 11 - but I'll be prepared for the WHEN - because the when will come!

Tamara - posted on 08/19/2011

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When it happened tomy son, I helped validate his feelings and was there to listen. Don't it personal if he shuts down and don't want to talk about it, just take his lead on the conversations. My son is one who does shutdown when upset then bam it all comes out so just being there and let him know that you love him and care.

Good Luck

Renee - posted on 08/19/2011

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Awwww, thanks Aimee! I remember a few teenage heartbreaks that hurt a lot (and some that I caused too). You know the country song by Rascal Flats called "God Bless the Broken Road?" The song is a man singing to his wife that he's so glad that he had to suffer so many broken hearts so that it lead him straight to her. I love that song since both my husband of 20 years and I have had a lot of broken hearts in our past :-). Teens don't see that the pain will go away and there is someone better out there for them :-). Best of luck to everyone!

Aimee - posted on 08/19/2011

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Great advice Renee - and he and I are close so just being available will be no problem. I don't think most parents take heartbreak seriously, though the pain is very real to them. Thanks!! Perfect advice.

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