My Son Is Lazy

Michelle - posted on 03/03/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )

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My 14 year old son doesn't want to do anything. I ask him to do his chores but he gets an attitude and I have to beg him to do them. I have taken things away and even grounded him. I can't get him to do anyhhing. All he wants to do ever is play on his game systems. I have giving him 1 hour and 30 mins on his game but that doesn't even work. I don't know how to get him to care about things other than his games. I really don't think he is lazy I just think he doesn't care about any thing. Does any body know how I can get him to care?

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Michelle - posted on 03/03/2009

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Quoting Michelle:

My Son Is Lazy

My 14 year old son doesn't want to do anything. I ask him to do his chores but he gets an attitude and I have to beg him to do them. I have taken things away and even grounded him. I can't get him to do anyhhing. All he wants to do ever is play on his game systems. I have giving him 1 hour and 30 mins on his game but that doesn't even work. I don't know how to get him to care about things other than his games. I really don't think he is lazy I just think he doesn't care about any thing. Does any body know how I can get him to care?



Hello!



My name is Michelle also. I have only one question...do we have the same 14 year old boy???



All my son Joe cares about is X-Box!  Chores, homework and family time just do not rank!  I have tried everything I could come up with and every suggestion ever made to me. Although there definitely has been some growth and maturity, he still has a ways to go yet. We have seen a therapist for a while now due to my son's diagnosis of Non verbal Learning Disorder and ADD.  While my son can be very difficult he is also very typical as far as teenagers go.



The therapist said to me one day...if you have asked your son 25 times to clean his room, what makes you think the 26th time is going to make any difference???  A lightbulb moment for me!



I would like to suggest a book that was highly recommended by the Doctor. It's very easy read and not too wordy. In other words you don't need a PHD to understand it.  This book helped me see that I was responding the wrong way and all I was doing was getting more frustrated!



Basically less words,more action!!! Some kids need a visual (like mine)  When my son went up to his room to play X-Box he would find a big note taped to his T.V. saying you can have your cord  back when you've taken the trash out or unloaded the dishwasher ect. (yes I take the cord so he is unable to play) . He gets furious but I can't engage in any arguing, and I don't defend my position because the note said all that needed to be said. It so hard not to yell back though. LOL!



The book is:  Surviving Your Adolescent , managing and letting go of your 13 to 18 year old.



                         Author: Thomas Phelan



 



*Never hand your power over to your kids. We know better than they do. It hurts to be hard on them but in the long run they will be better for it and most importantly...they will still know how much we love them. I hope I don't sound preachy, my husband and I have been through a lot with our son so I wanted to share what helped us.



Good luck Michelle :)



 

Nancy - posted on 03/07/2009

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This was how mu mother dealt with my sister and I teenae years. When we go to that age where as though we didn't want to listen, do chores & acted like we wanted to be grown, she treated us as if we were adults. She took everything we loved out of our rooms that she purchased, from the TV to games, telephones, etc. she left us with one set of sheets, a couple pair of clothing, a pair of shoes and of course our school supplies. She told us since we couldn't do what we were supposed to or told to do then we didn't deserve anything that her hard earned money payed for. We learned very quickly that the grown-up life was hard. We had to earn money to wash our clothes by doing our chores without her having to remind us daily. She told us that we didn't have to be reminded daily to use the phone to talk to our friends or play video games or go out side. At first we thought that she was playin until we realized that she was sticking to her guns, she didn't give in not one bit. It didn't take us long of getting tired of wearing those few outfits every week, or sitting in our rooms single day. Sooner or later after looking at a junky room, you are going to clean it up because that's all you really can do. We changed our ways very quickly and didn't stray that way again. she really broke us down and left us with nothing until we got back on the right track!!! Be STRONG and STICK TO YOUR GUNS, believe me it will make him come around. If he want to act like an adult then treat him just like an adult, very soon he will realize that adulthood is not all its cracked up to be...believe me!!!

Bernadette - posted on 03/06/2009

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the only thing that was effective for me when my son was 14 and impossible(I think they all read the same manual on how to be a stubborn teen male) not do anything for him(like washing his clothes because he didn't put them in the wash like I asked him to a million times) and after being teased by his peers for having stinky clothes, he quickly did as he was asked. Hope this helps

Steven - posted on 07/31/2013

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Hi Vani,

It's actually normal for a teenage boy to not want to do his homework or sit in one place. I work with teenage boys and a strategy I implement is to sett boundaries or co-create. It is important to sit down with your son and talk with him about how you feel and what you want. It's also important you get his feedback. You can even write it down, then sign it as agreement.

A few questions I like to ask parents are, "what does your teen love to do?" "What is his passion?" "How does he learn best?" Find these out and he might talk for hours or be very motivated about something. There are so many approaches to take and think about. If you want to connect further and you have more questions contact me at ... contact@teenagesons.com

Hope this helps a little!
Steven Cessario

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Alison - posted on 02/10/2014

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ok I am going to try these books and your suggestions before I go completely MAD!!!!!! Thanks

Momma - posted on 10/23/2013

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I just found a great resource that has been eye opening for me as a parent. It is a book written by Kevin Leman called "Have a New Teenager by Friday: From Mouthy and Moody to Respectful and Responsible in 5 days".

What I have learned is that my parenting style or lack there of is what has created the teenager I live with. AND more importantly that it can be changed... probably not in as few as five days, but it can change.

The issues I have with my 14 year old daughter started back when she was around 3 years old and discovered the power of tantrums... I should have done something back then, but I didn't know what to do, or how I was actually contributing to her behavior.

I have already tried a few of the tips from the book and my child is starting to act a bit more human-like in the past two days. The shocked look on her face when I didn't react in the my same old ways, is proof enough for me that I might actually be on to something.

I wish you luck in finding a solution that works for you and your son.

Misty - posted on 10/21/2013

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I see the OP posted this 4 years ago? Did it get better? If so, how? What did you do?

I am at my wits end with my 15 year old son. We've tried counseling, tutors, diet modification, rewards, punishment, parenting classes, letting him set his own schedule and NONE of that has worked.

He cares about nothing. When given the opportunity to work towards ANYTHING he says he'd rather go without.

Vani - posted on 07/30/2013

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My 14 year old son very lazy to study and doesn't want to do anything. Every time I have to remind him to do revision and his attitude make me to beg him to do them. Sometimes he looks very blur and his not in this world. I have taken things away like PSP & I Pad, but is not bothered at all. I have giving him times to play still no changes. I don't know how to approach him games. I so worry about him. He will sit for exam next year. Please help me.

SUSAN - posted on 06/03/2013

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You'll have pretty much covered everything about my son. I sound like a long playing record and have come to the point where i cant stand the sound of my voice having to repeat the same things to him day after day after day. clean your room, remove your lunch boxes out of your bag, hang up your school blazer....DO NOT THROW EMPTY CHIP PACKETS UNDER YOUR BED...DO NOT LEAVE EMPTY CHIP PACKETS IN YOUR POCKETS...DO NOT PUT WET CLOTHING IN YOUR WARDROBE..do your homework, have a bath, wash your face PROPERLY!!! And use soap....Iv enrolled him in Scouts, he now spends time away camping, and im still waiting to see a difference....waiting...waiting..

Autism - posted on 02/13/2013

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If you show compassion toward him, he will do things as you say. Try extending his bed time and show him you will go half way and then tell him to go half way. If you extend his bedtime, tell him he can go in the basement and go run on the treadmill while watching television so both of you are happy.

Leila - posted on 12/19/2012

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hello.
my son is 11 years old.I m single.but we live with my mom &my sister.Arian is a lazy person like his father.He has problem with getting up early in the morning. He doesnt like to do his homwork or doing alone.
He doesnt brush his theeth at night (just in the morning). I should help him to do something well.
please tell me what I should do.

Sarah - posted on 11/18/2012

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Reading all the above is such light relief. Having just had a big row with my 14 yr old about spending every free minute on his game and telling him we feel as parents it is not healthy for him - we have just set some major ground rules. From next week he has now got set nights (2 or 3) for playing on it and the other nights he will be playing either a sport and/ or an instrument plus doing homework.

Brandy - posted on 04/24/2012

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unplug it............................... put in trunk of car ,,,,,make plans before u do so somthing that involves family time and communication.....camping no electronics,,,,or the park a bike ride start with somthing small because it is a addictive ps3 xbox are bad babysitters ...its not your fault knor mine i had same problem...started small things or pull the plug,,,,trust me they will get over it...

Dawn - posted on 03/27/2009

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My son is 12 and I have had the same issues including school work. What I have done is made a contract putting dollar amounts to everything...such as if he gets an A he earns $10 in his check book .I don't hand him cash but we keep track of it on paper as he earns money. He has to pay for all of his wants( sports, movies, skating, newest styles, etc), we deduct them from the check book. Instead of me giving him money for his entertainment or to sign up for sports he has to make it. I'm still spending the same amount on him but I've given him the control, he wants to do everything now. He likes getting a paycheck. It works for us, I not spending anymore than before, but I'm teaching him the value of a dollar and getting him to be motivated. The trick is make sure you calculated how much he could possibly make to make sure its not too much for you but still enough for him to afford the things he is used to getting if he is doing well. If my son doesn't do things and loses out on earning money I point it out, such as if you had turned those 3 homeworks in you could of made $30 more dollars. Hope this helps

Kim - posted on 03/09/2009

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My son is the same if it involves the computer or X-box, he is not interested.  I seen on dr. phil the other day that kids who are always playing video games and such, are out of practice for conversation, which I think may be true cause when you ask Zach anything he is like, "wha" for everything.  I try my hardest with him but it goes in one ear out the other. 



 



I have 2 younger children 8 and 6 and they will not be using the computer or playing video games all the time, I think this ruins them it's like a drug very addictive.

[deleted account]

Quoting Michelle:





Basically less words,more action!!! Some kids need a visual (like mine)  When my son went up to his room to play X-Box he would find a big note taped to his T.V. saying you can have your cord  back when you've taken the trash out or unloaded the dishwasher ect. (yes I take the cord so he is unable to play) . He gets furious but I can't engage in any arguing, and I don't defend my position because the note said all that needed to be said. It so hard not to yell back though. LOL!







*Never hand your power over to your kids. We know better than they do. It hurts to be hard on them but in the long run they will be better for it and most importantly...they will still know how much we love them. I hope I don't sound preachy, my husband and I have been through a lot with our son so I wanted to share what helped us.






Good luck Michelle :)






 






L-O-L !!!!!!



My 15 year old was sure he was the only teenage guy that gets the "missing cord" treatment!



Ironically, we wouldn't even have a game system in the house because we parents refused to buy one!  We live on a farm, our son has been caring for and raising animals for 10 years, and there's always plenty of stuff that needs doing.  And for some reason, as you know, when the games go on, the ears lose the ability to hear, among other side effects!



BUT, he bought a Playstation 2 himself-used, for $20.  He had it a week before we even knew, and imagine his surprise when the cord disappeared!  He thought (for about 5 minutes!) that just because he bought it with 'his' money that he didn't have to listen to us- *chuckling*.



So he actually gets to use it every day, but only when homework & chores are done. 



It works...  :)

Lynn - posted on 03/07/2009

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JUST BE CONSISTANT N YOUR PUNISHMENT HE'LL COME AROUND OR HE'LL DO THE WORK SO CAN PLAY HIS GAMES...HOWEVER DO LET HIM NO THAT HE IS HURTIN U'R FEELINGS

Bernie - posted on 03/07/2009

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Hi Michelle, after reading what you posted, I was a bit confused. How do you know my son, because the boy you are discribing is my son Alex. Alex , the most adoring, generous well spoken young man (to others that is) and who is soon going to be 16 was exactly the same as your son. I used to battle with him to help around the house but all to no avail and alot of wasted breath. I actually think he enjoyed my ranting and raving because when I finally stopped, he came looking. In the end it came to us sitting down and looking at and discussing the expectations of each other and possible solutions. Alex was in between being still a kid and not quiet a man, so we put achievable expectations on him around the house which also included that if he wanted something from us he had to give something back in return, pretty much like the old barter system. I took the pressure of him to clean his room, after all it is his private domain but he had to help more in other things. All three of my children helped write a contract of chores that they would take part in, which they agreed to and signed. This way the onus was put back on them if they failed in any part of that contract. Alex liked this way as well because he was taking responsibilty for something instead of it being forced down his throat with mum harping all the time. Part of the contract had a time frame on it, where if he failed to meet what was in it by a certain time, then he knew he missed out on privelledges. He agreed to all of this.....and it has worked for us. It does get better and since Alex has started doing casual work, it has made him understand more since he has to abide by certain rules in the work place, the same goes for home. I hope parts of this may help in your situation....Good luck!!

Jeanne - posted on 03/06/2009

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That's the most deficult having a teen and try to get them to care? Respect...........etc...........or doing there chores.........You might have to also play it called TUFF LOVE...........or remove his game for his room or were ever the games is hooked up........then he will no that you mean what you mean................

As for me with 3 teenagers............tuff...but I tell them I will not tolerate that kind of behavior or that is not acceptable in this house.........that's the main thing, because with teen years then want to be 20 years old and they know everything. Another trick I did last year I changed all my portable phones and know I 2 desktop phone.....with help I can keep track how long they're on the phone......(shhh I partially listen to there conversation this helps a little) I also have about 4 calendars in my house each with there name on it .........and I keep track of dates such a prepare for test, when project are due. I have a lot of little tricks up my sleeve...ect...lol



It worked for me I hope it works for you.Let me know & take care, and keep in touch! Jeanne



Michelle - posted on 03/05/2009

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Hi again,

I posted earlier and recommended a book Called Surviving your Adolescent by Thomas Phalen. I promise it is worth reading. The book is small, insightful very easy to read and it is humorous! It has a lot of good tips and suggestions...

The not so good news is, we cannot change these young people who are morphing into adults but we can change how we respond towards them and that saves us from wanting to jump off a ledge and the teen may even start to take some initiative once you've eased up. Easing up however, was really hard for me to do. I just thought I would share that. Bye for now, Michelle Melchionda

Amy - posted on 03/05/2009

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ITS GOOD TO KNOW THAT IM NOT ALONE ON THIS ONE,BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO EITHER!!!

Darcy - posted on 03/05/2009

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I sold my game system my 12 year old lived on I all so tried something I didn't think would work but it did work some. Some one from church told me treat them like they are acting in others words standing in a corner and time outs and tell them if they are going to act like a toddler they will be treated like one I did it a few times and he hated it and I said then please do as you asked and he has soo far but the treat a toddler punishment looms and also no games or computer till homework and chores are done and I demand 1 hr outside everyday or no games
Hope it helps

Michelle - posted on 03/05/2009

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I just want to thank everybody for all the advice. I thought I was the only one dealing with this. I am def going to try some of these things. Again thank you all Ya'll have been great. 

Beverly - posted on 03/05/2009

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I'm glad to see I'm not the only one with these problems. Every since my son started high school he doesn't care about anything. His room is always dirty and his grades are terrible. I don't know what to do with him.

Shelly - posted on 03/04/2009

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Michelle,



  Hold on your in for a long bumpy ride!!! I have three boys 22,17 & 15.  My 17yro is getting better and it was about that age that my 22yro got better but trying to get them to care give up that fight!!!   This is one of those pick your battles....We took everything that was important to our boys away and it didn't help  They mutate into these creatures that not a one of us moms can or will understand.  I'm not saying that you should give up on him doing his chores but as far as the trying to MAKE him care is a losing battle.   Good luck Sorry I couldn't help out more!!!

[deleted account]

My child is the SAME way, no ambition, no initiative...it's maddening! I will try the note thing. We have repossessed mostly everything at one time or another.

Denice - posted on 03/04/2009

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I WENT THROUGH THIS WITH MY 14 YR OLD SON. MY GIRLS WILL WORK CIRCLES AROUND HIM. TRY REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY. BRAG ABOUT HOW MUCH HARDER HE WORKS THAT THE OTHERS. EVEN IF HES NOT. HE WILL THINK YOUR PROUD. IT WORKED ON MY SON, AND ITS A COMPLETE CHANGE.HE WILL ACTUALLY COME TO ME AND ASK WHAT ELSE I WANT HIM TO DO NEXT. ITS STILL HARD FOR ME TO THINK HES THE SAME KID. MY TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL IS STARTING THE LAZY SPELL, NOW, SO ILL HAVE TO TY THE SAME THING ON HER. IT MUST BE THE AGE GROUP !!!!!!!!!!!

Maggie - posted on 03/03/2009

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Hi Michelle - I feel your pain!  14 year olds can have such attitudes and the "whatever" mentality.  I don't think you can get him to care - but maybe it can be drawn out by showing him (in subtle ways) the benefits of  putting in effort.  Like - this is what happens when you put in the effort.  I have a 14 yr old daughter and she used to not care about her appearance -- hair, clothes, etc. -- but (with age) and the reaction she received when she did take time to groom herself  totally changed!  Our issue now is that  she could care less about her messy room and she only cleans it up when we remind that we'll take her computer privileges away.   Does your son's laziness include homework or school work? As far as school -- she actually cares about her grades and I think it's due to having good peer influences.  I noticed this because she switched middle schools last year and her grades improved, which I think had to do with her friends at this school, who are proud of their good grades and not just flirting with all the guys.  Hope this helps!

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