My son's girlfriend constantly tries to create trouble between he and I ...

Carrie - posted on 07/13/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My son has had the same girlfriend for about 18 months now. She has no friends and tries to monopolize his time. The only reason she hasn't completely succeeded in this is because she lives 45 minutes away from us. In the past I've always had a very close relationship with my son. I considered myself lucky and worked very hard to maintain that relationship. Unfortunately, within months of this girl coming into the picture I began to have problems with him. I'm convinced that the girlfriend feels threatened by me and is the cause of our problems. While he and I used to spend quite a bit of time together we never do anymore - even when he isn't with her. It's to the point now where he is even refusing to go on a planned "family" vacation because my husband and I won't invite her. Her family (it's just the mother) is also a problem. She thinks that my son should be allowed to spend the night at her house, that her daughter should be allowed to spend the night at our house AND planned a vacation of her own as soon as she heard about our vacation - EXCEPT she invited my son to join them. Of course we're the bad guys and she's he greatest. (By the way, she first invited my son to spend the night when they were just six weeks into the relationship.) The mother has also said that she's planning a move (from NJ to CA) and that when my son finishes high school he's welcome to move in with them and attend college with her daughter. He will be a senior and she graduated a year ago.
I feel as though it's just a matter of time before I completely lose my son. I'm broken hearted !! Does anyone have any suggestions ??

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Angie - posted on 07/14/2012

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1st of all GOOD FOR YOU for being the "bad guys". My oldest who is now 20 went through this stage middle of his junior year and I was always the "bad guy" while his girlfriend's parents were the cool ones, allowing him to spend the night & allowing him to eventually move in a couple months into the relationship, mind you while he was still in high school.

Don't worry about the closeness right now...I personally think it has something to do with hormones & growing pains..lol..If you had the closeness before, you haven't lost it, he has just temporarily misplaced his priorities right now...that's what happens when girls come in the picture. They do figure out the balance a little better as they grow and learn, but I think sometimes it's hard as parents finding the balance as well...we'd keep them little and with us forever.

I also wouldn't worry about the move or what will or won't happen. A year is a loooong time away and oh boy, so much can change and change fast in these young in love lives.

My best advice is to stay consistent on your house rules, stay consistent with your love, and maybe reiterate a family night, telling him you know it's real easy to get busy with life, but you need time too...maybe Sunday dinner or a movie, whatever it is you enjoyed doing together...ours was yard sales on Saturday a.m. :) I think most importantly is to NOT bash the relationship or question his relationship choices...that can sometimes just want them to prove you wrong. Hang in there...I'm living proof it does get better :))

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Laci - posted on 07/27/2016

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We have almost the same situation. A little girl came into our son's life his freshmen year of high school. My son described her as a stalker and obsessive. Our family felt very sorry for her because she would come over all the time and had one excuse after another such as her father left her family, was having a baby with an 18 year old, her mother now hated her, her sister hated her, one of her boyfriends was aadistic, abusive, wouldn't leave her mom's house, etc., I can go on and on. This occurred all throughout high school. When we transferred our son to a different school, she made us think her boyfriend was abusive and would hurt her so we had to transfer her to the high school as well. Throighlut their entire four years of high school-- they only dated two months, but my family and I noticed no matter what girl our son was trying to see--- she would somehow break them up. They went their separate ways for college. We thought this was good until our son got a girlfriend away at school. This girl did as she has always done before--she broke them up. Somehow in the middle of that mess-- they started seeing each other and even though he was away at school (she quit completely at this time) she was at our home daily talking about how much her mother and sister hated her. We let her hang out-- this completely interrupted our family life as we were forced to be home or on top of paying for 4 sons in college and trying to focus on our younger son-- she was always there and we were picking up the bill for her too. My husband and I were sickened more when she invited herself on a trip to visit him and to watch a game. (He was a college QB). Things got worse-- we found out she was going back to school with him. We met with them both and said it needed to stop. We set firm boundaries that she couldn't come and hang out at our home from 6am to way past midnight anymore--- all of us were sick of her, including our son. We also told her we didn't want her going to school with him that I would interfere with his schooling and football. She told us then that her mother that hated her so badly supported the situation and was willing to pay the out of school tuition so she could go. There was nothing we could do. Obviously, one semester and my son left football. He returned home with her (even though we have moved to a different state) and she came too. She basically moved in, didn't work for three months and when I told them she had to move out that all of this is against what we believe and how we raised our sons-- she went nuts. He decided to move out with her because he feels bad she is here alone. All she had to do was return to her mother's home. Now, here we are 4 moths later. Our son doesn't not act the way we raised him, no longer attends church. Hasn't had any time alone with us except three times--- one of which this girlfriend quit her job and came over. If our son is with us --she is texting him and montoring his every conversation with us. He even sends her pictures To show her what he is doing!! Mind you, our son has tried to talk with other girls in the last two months and his girlfriend has stopped that as well. Him doing so is an indication he isn't in to this like she is. Everything was fine as long as she was getting her way. Once that stopped - her true colors came flying out. Her disrespect for our family is disgusting! And it is painful to think her family (who doesn't love her as she claimed all these years) would support this, but of course why not? We have basically had her the last 8 years. They haven't been anywhere in the picture! I'm frustrated, sad, and heartbroken. I just want my son happy and it seems that is only accomplished by giving up the only family he has ever known and being with her. But I pray God will let him see what he is losing somewhere along the way. I think Our son is just as responsible as she is. And her family? Well no habla English so who knows what they actually know? I'd love to know how your situation turned out. Blessings.

Angie - posted on 02/10/2013

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Alina....welcome to the world of our boys dating. I am so sorry to tell you it's only the beginning and the girls will come and go. We can usually tell as parents right away if this girl will be good for our son because our emotions aren't involved. I really can't tell you one boy my father liked that I dated in my teenage years and I thought he didn't know what he was talking about...now I get it....lol

As I told the original poster, try as hard as you can not to bash the relationship or question his relationship choices, or voice your opinions about their motives.....and more importantly in your case, do not give ultimatums! He will choose her over you every day of the week and that will only drive a wedge between you two. Accept it...that's all you can do, he has to live and learn...I know, I know...it's hard, but by accepting it, it means you accept his choice; it doesn't mean you have to allow sleepovers, it means you haven't banned her from your home, banned him from seeing her, or asked her to keep seeing her. I would also distance myself somewhat from the specifics of their relationship. It also sounds like you are a little hurt, maybe angry, because you felt like you were used by this girl. Your heart was in the right place so try not to let that hurt or anger overshadow the whole situation.

If your mother instincts are right about the girl, it will probably only be a matter of time before she is no longer in the picture, especially if they are only 16 and 15. Best of luck to you :)

Alina - posted on 02/09/2013

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I have the same situation. We were so close with my son until this girl came into the picture. I embraced her and felt sorry for her because she lived with her dad and mother was not around. But soon I realized that she isolated my son from friends and became his only friend and confidante. I was girl's personal driver bringing her to our house an feeding her and buying her things until I realized that she is a manipulator. It happened when I accidentally read her message to him where she was asking to fix the problem with me or she is done with him. She mentioned I am ruining her life because I cancelled sleepovers after I found she was on pills! I also found she already changed 20 households and that she is a big trouble! My son is so mad at me and doesn't want to leave her! He says I interfere with his personal life. He is 16 and she is 15!!! She was booted from her dads house and the last two months she was with uncle. Now she is being moved from there as well. Mother is a weird woman who doesn't give full custody to anyone. I felt sorry for the girl but she has a survivor instinct and tries to neutralize anyone who threatens her. My son hates me now my husband is ready to throw him out of the house saying either us or her. He said her! I asked her to leave him and her mother filed complain that I haunt a minor! Mother lives so far away but encourages to stay her daughter with my son! She supports them both and I am his worst enemy. Help!!!! Her mother tells that I keep my son as a young boyfriend for myself and familiar with my family situation in details!!! What should I do? The more I step Bach the more two of them gain power and fill him with crap. He doesn't feel that his family is normal dad is bad mother is twisted! He was brought up in a very nurturing environment, he is loosing his family , his good stand at school and his hate against me is tremendous. He tells accept her and I will get back to normal like we used to be but I think she is sick. I cried on hour on the phone with her and she said she loves me and wants to be a part of our family and I said I can't let her lead his world and I said my family falls apart and she was crying and I felt horrible but three minutes after she posted a status: was it necessary to call and bitch about your personal problems? But son thinks her complaint to police her post is a normal reaction to my obsessed behaviour. I am so so sad

User - posted on 07/17/2012

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Thank you Angie !! Your advice made a lot of sense and it really helped me feel "right" about my choices/decisions. You'll never know how much I needed to hear what you said !! Thank you for taking the time !

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