My son will be 16 tomorrow & He's announced he is quitting school.. Please, help any suggestions appreciated...

ANISHA - posted on 06/12/2012

why dont you talk to him about other options.. like maybe going the ged route, the k-12 online program they have or encourage him to hold on for just one more year. Have a real conversation with him about whats going on in his head and life.. maybe even take him to speak with a counselor or therapist.

Darcie - posted on 06/08/2012

Salutations to all the courageous moms searching for answers on their kid’s behalf – it’s the half that makes the battle! So after we raise a glass to our commitment, then we sit in bewilderment and wonder – now, WTF – where’s some direction? . . . At least that’s what I did . . .

Life from the rear view mirror throws us some amazing insight. For me it was the wonder of motherhood (it wasn’t supposed to happen and waddaya know, against all odds I found myself old and delightedly pregnant); then the early years were unrealistically magical; the middle years were a wake-up call and the teens when the alien landed, were the most unsettling, unnerving and unrelenting for this recovering superwoman. I was completely unprepared for the fall-out.

Finding solace in a greater knowledge, understanding from a contemporary knowledge base and direction in a professional environment enlightened my world – I’m getting trained, even at this late stage in my life to be a better parent. After all, we train teachers, secretaries, athletes and we train lawyers, plumbers and lifeguards and so on - the only skill not taught is parenting – but amazingly, it’s making a difference in our family life.

Ya know, we humans are the only animals that allow their young to come home!

Donna - posted on 06/08/2012

Hi Susan. I, too, have a 15 year old son who is going through many challenges in high school. He is only in grade 9 but just finishing his year next Wednesday. His father walked out of his life two years ago (we split when he was two years old) and we haven't heard from since. I've had to monitor his school even more now that he's witnessed friends and classmates drop out of school. He hasn't tried quitting yet but I encourage him and have talks with him regularly at least twice a week. Going through the physical and emotional changes is also tough for a teen; validating this and what he's going throught might be just what he needs. My son has told me that sometimes he just doesn't know how to express himself and I need to ask him questions to help him figure it out. Hope that made sense :) We all know how confusing the teenage years are. Having open conversations and spending mother/son quality time is helpful. I also try to keep him busy with activities he is interested in. Hope this helps a bit.

Susan - posted on 06/01/2012

Hi Melissa, Appreciate hearing from you. Yes, that's exactly what he wants to do (online schooling). I think really, he was just bored in school, tired of the routine & feels like he can finish up his schooling online at a faster pace. He's really a very good kid, a home-body (enjoys his computer games; he participates in w/his friends from our prior neighborhood via headphones w/speaker). No, he has no desire to leave home as of yet, but has expressed he wants to work & contribute to the household expenses to help out.

Thanks ~ Susan

Susan - posted on 06/01/2012

Hi Faye, That sounds really great for your son. I wish all the best things for him in the upcoming year. ~ Susan

Susan - posted on 06/01/2012

Thanks so much Darcie. You are exactly right, I like the way you think & truly appreciate what you are saying. He's applied for several local jobs, but nothing yet. He starts online schooling in about two months. As far as working, he'll see, the grass isn't quite as green as he thought it would be on the other side. But you are so right, it'll be good for him to see how it really is out there. Thanks again!

Susan

Darcie - posted on 05/25/2012

Hello Susan, I fell upon your post and felt compelled to weigh in. I’m an ol’ fart mom and empty –nester newbie to a soon to be 20 yr.old son. To say that our life together at this juncture has been a journey would be an understatement, I confess it’s been filled with lotsa coulda, shoulda, wouldas.

When our kids make bad decisions (from our perspective0 the first place we Moms go to is guilt and OMG – look what “I” did wrong, but step back for a moment and consider that you have raised a son confident enough to exercise his free will – congratulations. However, along with that free will comes responsibility and consequences.

Fact is Susan, you can’t make a 15/16 yr. old do something he doesn’t want to do –forcing the situation could damage your relationship. Here’s the hard part – don’t try to save him, but rather discuss the consequences of his decision and if he stays home what the expectations are in terms of responsibility, income, rent, food clothing and shelter – you can’t support him doing nothing. Work up an expense program so he knows how much he has to earn to contribute to the household and he knows how much he has to contribute.

Our kids are resilient, even if we don’t think they are, but we can’t force them into our expectations. It might not be on your time frame, but he can always go back to school and get his graduation credits when it’s right for him. A year in the real world might make that happen sooner than later. Consider this: have him take a semester off with a strict set of income responsibilities – the experience could send him racing to attend the next semester and all he will have lost is 6 months.

Mentors are an amazing asset for kids, whether they are from single family households or not, if the connection works, mentors are great sounding blocks for our kids to get their heads on straight.
Darcie from theparentingbuzz.com

Faye - posted on 05/24/2012

My son tried this a year ago, he is 17 now. He asked about the online school. I researched it but felt that he would never stay on task during the day since I work. He would be out and about instead of "attending" school. I refused to sign him up. He went ahead with his JR year at the High School (and I want to think he will thank me one day). He is now ready to start his SR year at the building in the fall PLUS (with school board approval) he and about 12 others will attend the local TECH college. As he graduates next spring, he will be almost a Sophmore at the TECH college, the others in his class will be Freshman. The area he wants to specialize in is a 16 month course and will finish in Dec 2013, 7 months after he graduates HS.

Lesley - posted on 05/23/2012

My son said that he was leaving school once he finished his gcse , I sat him down and told him that if he was leaving school that's fine but he would have to get a job as he wasn't gona sit in my house and do nothing all day.and I also reminded him that he would be working 9-5 any day off the week and could be week ends aswell and over the summer when he would off been at school.he took it all in but didn't like that too,so he met me half way and went to tech he loves it and is going back again in September to study some more!! Speak to him tell what's wat and met him half way but put ur foot down !!!

Deaunna - posted on 05/15/2012

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Melissa - posted on 05/10/2012

Oh, My goodness. Dropping out of school is just NOT an option, but there are options out there to help you through this process. Have you looked into Online Public Education??? We are enrolling our daughter into the K-12.com program. It seems to be very successful and we put a lot of research into this decision, she is only 12 years old but we made this choice together. Kept her very involved. Kids are excelling quickly, they tend to learn more clearly and definitely at their own level in each skill. Some of the States will even offer furthering education programs once high school credits have been fulfilled. This could get him finished with High School quickly as well as give him a jump start with College. Explain all the positive benefits to him, get him excited about jumping into a career rather than just a job quicker than most his current classmates will get to. It will depend upon his own efforts, if he puts forth great effort he can achieve a lot in his last 2 years. What are his reasons for wanting to drop out? Does he want to move away from home or does he just not like the school environment?

Eva - posted on 05/10/2012

I have a 25 year old son who dropped out of school. He had one year left, but decided he wanted to work. He struggled with school due to a learning disability. Their were a few things the school could have done to help him, because if he answered tested orally he would ace them, but they said they didn't have the time and expected him to write his answers knowing that his disability was that he couldn't put what he was thinking on paper. In grade 7 when I finally got the school to test him they found that orally he could do 2nd year University work, but as soon as he had to write his answers he dropped back to a grade 2 level. He hated school because they made him feel stupid. He now has a great job, that sees how smart he is and he is already advancing and he's only been their about 6 months.

My 18 year old, couldn't handle a regular high school. He wanted to drop out but he was only 15 so I got him into a special high school. He was their for 1 1/2 yrs. but by this point he had given up on himself. He was tested in grade 3 since his older brother had a learning disability and they said that he 1 mark to low to put in the next grade. They said he didn't have a learning disability but he was bored and therefore had become lazy. This label stuck with him and even when he did apply himself and do his work the teachers would critize him, telling him he could do better and give him a failing grade. He is only in school right now because he's being paid to go to school. He has moved in with his girlfriends parents so that he can get a cheque each month from the government to go to school. I'm just glad that he is finally getting his high school.

I don't blame myself or feel in any way that I have failed. I was always supportive and fought with the schools to try and get the help my boys needed. I've always told them how smart they are, how good they would do something. I've always encouraged them. My 25 yr old is very confident in himself, but the 18 yr old, lacks confidence and that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the school.

If your son is seeing his friends working and getting their high school through GED then naturally he's gonna want to do it. Forcing him to stay in school isn't going to work. He'll just skip classes and won't get his education. It doesn't matter how he gets that high school education as long as he gets it. If he wants to work maybe he's feeling that now that he is 16 he's the man of the house, since his dad has passed on. Maybe he didn't feel he was old enough before to take that role. At 16 he's probably feeling that he needs to help you since you have always been their for him. You need to talk to him and really listen to how he feels, be supportive, help him to become the man that he is trying to be.

Mary Janet - posted on 05/09/2012

Oh cheer up Susan, your son is only going through the vineyard of life.

You should talk with your child's school counselor and ask if the school district has a homeschooling type program.

JL - posted on 05/09/2012

Susan-
Sounds like you have been and are going thru so much right now. I am a single mother as well, and share some of the same issues that you have shared.
I have always placed a strong opinion on education with my daughter. I am very blessed that she has taken heed to this.
This might not be as easy as it sounds, however I have faith that you can do it.....Tell him it is NOT AN OPTION!!!! If he feels that at this time he can go out get a job that pays his bills (Which we know is not the case), more power to him. However, You, as his mother refuse to entertain the idea, and just because siblings may have taken the easy way out, this is not an option for him.
Tough love mom.....Reinforce the obstacles that will come into play and how he will in fact regret this in his future.
Also reinforce the wonderful attributes and things he has going for him.
Stick to your rules and stand by your morals. You are going to get thru this. Have FAITH!!!

-- Jenn

Devorah - posted on 05/08/2012

first of all, you are not a failure!

Instead of putting yourself thru an argument every day and having your relationship deteriorate tell him he can leave school as long as he follows guidelines, for example:

1) he needs to get a GED, everyone needs a high school diploma. check with the school to see if he can do that at night somewhere or online.
2) he needs to work at least part time. I am sure he has a cell phone, so tell him since his
" job " was going to school, and he no longer has that job, he needs to help pay the cell phone. If he is driving, he needs to put gas in the car.
3) have a calm discussion about what he might like to do in the future: trade school, military, college. After a month or two of being out of school, away from his friends, and pumping gas, he may decide school wasn't so bad after all!
4) keep his curfew. just because he is not getting up early for school, does not mean he has carte blanche to stay out late.
5) give him jobs, real jobs, to do around the house. things that take a few days: power wash the deck, clean out the garage, paint the trim, etc.
You are not a failure!!!! I think it is best if he stays in school, but instead of having world war III in your house, as long as he gets a GED, maybe this would work.

Cheraki - posted on 05/07/2012

I wouldn't sign him out. If he's wanting to work he can work part time and still go to school.. Education is so very important. Sit down and talk to him and let him know that it breaks your heart to know that another one of your children aren't wanting to finish their education and that you have high hopes and dreams for them, and that you love them no matter what. However as their mother you want to see them make the most of themselves. If your state is like mine then if he skips school you will get a fine.. In that even you can have the judge put the fine in his (your sons) name and then he will be responsible for not only going to school but also paying for the fine. Sometimes you have to be harsh with them especially with teens.

Good Luck to you

Susan - posted on 05/06/2012

Thank you so much. Actually, yes they do, and this is exactly what he wants to do, rather then being in school full-time. He is also, very anxious in wanting to get a job.. He has really been a "good kid" for 16 years and I am trusting he will do exactly as he has planned and promised. Thanks for your input!

Mindy - posted on 05/06/2012

i have a 17 year old that wanted the same thing, our community school has a online program that is callled plato. she actually went to alternative school and finished a whole year and a half early. talk to the school and see if thiers isnt something like that. it worked for mine. she actually excelled in it

Heather - posted on 05/04/2012

tell him that he quits, he is to go out and look for a job to pay his own way, as to pay for things that needs to have in a run of a living day, like t pay room and board and so forth on

June - posted on 04/29/2012

YOU are not a failure. God is in control here and all you need to do is to ask Him to help you. When you get up in the morning, get on your knees and ask Him to have His way in your son's life. God has big plans for your son and all God's plans are great as He is. Then take one day at a time. I am willing to do this, tell your son I will give him $100.00 if he finishes school. And I mean that as a promise. you can write me at june.leos@yahoo.com and we can talk more about this incentive.

Do not allow yourself to sink into despair. Instead lift your hands up to the Lord and ask Him to take over this situation for you. Surrender this whole situation to Him and in the interim, continue to give your son words of encouragement for every day that he stays in school and tell him each day how proud you are and how so proud his father and grandfather would be to know that he made it in school.

I have a son who is 17 and graduating in June of this year. If you want my son to talk to your son I am more than sure that he will do it. Sometimes peers can be a great encouragement to one another. I don't know where you live, but if its out of state maybe your son can come for a visit to California as a graduation present and then he and my son can hang out and do the tour stuff.

You can do this Susan and DO NOT ever allow Satan to tell you otherwise. And once this is done, give all glory to God.

By the way, I raised my eldest on my own (I have 3 kids) and his dad didn't come into his life again until my son's graduation. Was I thrilled? No, but later I realized that my son and I will always have a special connection that he and his father never will, though they do now have a good relationship. My son is now 32, married, works and has 2 lovely girls 4 and 6 months old. My other children are 19 and 17. And no, it wasn't easy to raise a son alone, there were many sacrifices but in the end I wouldn't have trade that time ever.

Hope this helps and hope to hear from you. My offer is applicable solely to you Susan.

Juliana - posted on 04/27/2012

I had the same problem with my son , I ignored him and I said over my dead body will you leave school, I then phoned the principal who, came home and fetched him back to school. Never to look back again he passed his grade 12 and is working now, not that my problems have stopped but ok!!!

Angie - posted on 04/26/2012

I think sometimes the path we've lined out for our children don't necessarily line up with theirs and it is really hard for them to see the big picture we can see because we've lived it and breathed it and they haven't. My oldest will be 21 this year and he would give anything to go back to high school days, better yet elementary days. I think at 16 so many changes are happening with their life and they are so ready to be all grown up, but mine has found out it's not all it's cracked up to be...he finally understands what I meant when I said to be a kid as long as you can. Talk to him...find out why he's ready to grow up so quick, find out why he doesn't want to enjoy being a kid while he can, find out where he wants to be long term, find out what options there are. I personally wouldn't sign my kid out of school without a very valid reason/problem & would try to work out that problem before just giving up/walking away, and if he's choosing to be an adult at 16, maybe him understanding the realization of what that means may make him reconsider. What would you provide/not provide..expect/not expect for an adult child living in your home? Just some things to consider...wishing you the best of luck, but never, ever feel you failed as a parent...you are doing everything you can to provide the best life for him and most importantly to love him unconditionally..

Merissa - posted on 04/26/2012

You really shouldnt feel like you failed. Some kids have it in them to go to school and some kids dont.As a teenager I put my parents through the ringer. I dropped out of school early. I really enjoyed doing homework and work I just didn't like the enviroment of school. There could be issues that are going on with him and stuff at school. Bullying or something that is making him not want to be there. Usually teenagers dont like people especially there parents to pry. But as a parent dont think of yourself as failing. If you know hes a good kid then my suggestion would be support whatever his decisios are. Just explain the consequences. Like that a GED isnt noticed in alot of places to get a career. Even though a job is great it's still not a career. I since went back and am now a health care aid. But I wish my parents would have been supportive. Instead they tried discouraging me and putting me down for my choices. And that is something I will always remember and never forgive

Cheryl - posted on 04/26/2012

If he is willing to do online schooling then I would go with that. I have a 19 year old son that put me through some grief during high school. I had him in a college prepratory academy during his 8th grade, freshman and sophomore years. He started to hate going there so much he started to get depressed. He begged me to put him in a regular public high school for his last 2 years. We butted heads because I wanted him to have a better education and he said he hated it there. We sat and talked it out over the kitchen table. I listened to him then he listened to me. I agreed to let him go to the public school but he better not slack off and I wanted him to take challenging classes and not easy classes so he could vegg out. I also wanted him to look for a job since he would have more time on his hands. He agreed and I agreed. I was a single parent with him until he was 8 years old. His dad was a part time dad and a high school drop out so support from him wasn't strong. I had to lay down the law and never let him think dropping out was an option. I used his dad and my brother as examples of drop outs. Neither had a life he wanted.



Today he is in college getting his first 2 years done at a community college. He is interested in

biology and science and would like to major in those areas. He says he hates the college he is

going to and is going to look into some online classes. I said fine, just don't quit. He is living with his dad now and the rule there is as long as he is going to school he doesn't have to pay rent. He works at McDonalds and has a full time class schedule. He is coming along nicely. I had to be tough but it paid off in the long run. But he knows I am tough.

Tammy - posted on 04/26/2012

http://www.eachieve.com/

Go on this link and click on apply now to set it all up. It is free of cost and he will have teachers and a counselor.... just as he would any school. I know my kids are safe and not being bullied....!! I can be reached on FB and at imagrandmamom@yahoo.com if you don't get me on here. I replied to your issue last night but I don't make it a habit to get on here because I don't want to chance getting put on that stupid Timeline which at times you have to agree to do in order to read some things. I am deaf or I would give you a number too, but you have to go through relay and all.
Blessings, Tammy

Kimberley - posted on 04/26/2012

Susan, keep your chin up. These things are out of a mother's control. Our job is to love ,guide(or look for help with influence we do not have), and nurture (food,shelter,and safety). Beyond that, have faith in him that given all evidence his choices are his own. Do not take it to heart........... On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

I hope this helps...It has helped me: Kim, Mom of Phoebe 16 and Henry 12

Synthia - posted on 04/26/2012

well if he really wants to quit then there isnt much u can do. make him get a job and pay you rent? it will show him its not so easy without a dipoma. my parents did it to me, and i went back to school aas soon as i could

M Nicole - posted on 04/26/2012

I would find out why. My son loved LOVED school for a long time then all of a sudden he started not wanting to go. He has Asperger's autism so he was getting bullied and we tried to deal with it, so did he. What we did not know was that a teacher was also bullying him and egging on students to bully him and shove him around in shop class.

Every child learns differently. Your's might not feel comfortable or smart enough, or there may be a hundred different reasons he doesn't want to go back to THAT institution. Maybe he's getting pressured because he's not willing to do drugs? You never know, but kids don't try to quit unless there's a reason.

YOU are the parent, so you have a few choices and responsibilities until he is 18.

Why not check into an online charter school and use Khan Academy to teach him the math? Maybe let him try a vo-tech program, or home school. He is old enough to try to learn at home with a structured plan, even the charter schools will have some classes online with accountability.

Bottom line is you let him give up without trying to give him ways to finish he will feel like crap the rest of his life about it and so will you.



"You don't quit the race just because you are a little behind." -Dr. Ron Paul



I have been home schooling my son and using the charter program for a few online classes. (our taxes pay for it so it's included in the school system as education funds ie. "free" to use) He not only has been EARNING A's and B's with one C. He's come out of his shell, has more REAL friends that treat him with respect and goes outside to ride bikes, play basketball, makes music videos, reads a novel in two sittings ... it was the BEST thing I have ever done for him.

Kari - posted on 04/26/2012

Maybe if you let him read what all these moms are saying. He can see how concerned you are and that many many people think it's a bad idea. My son is 17 next month and he's been trying to find work for over a year, the job market is so tight, most places aren't hiring teens. It's not as easy to find work as he might think. If he insists on dropping out, insist on him finishing the school year and that he gets a job or military lined up before you'll sign his forms.



Hope he makes the right choice.

Roxanne - posted on 04/26/2012

I am in the same boat with my 17 yr old girl. Hisschool counselor. Should be able to give you more info about virtual school. My daughter switched to a charter school when she was in 10th grade but now she is so close to graduating but doesn't see the point in going yo school since all of her tests score at college level but I regret quoting in 10th grade and I don't want her to be able to come back to me later on and say why did you let me quit, I was just a kid you were the parent so I have told her what she does when she is 18 I can't control but until then I sm responsible for her and therefore she has to go..period. She doesn't like it but she doesn't have a choice.

Samantha - posted on 04/26/2012

um anyone can quit school in the U.S. at 16 its not legally required after 16. In the UK thats when they stop school and start collage and the same in Japan. I have lived in all 3 the U.S. is the only place you do regular school till 18.

Louise - posted on 04/26/2012

Sit him down and explain to him that if he does not graduate then in time he will regret it. There are many young men that can not find jobs out there and he will always be considered last against a man that has graduated. It is a hard lesson to learn.

My son left school at 16 after taking his exams which he did well in. I wanted him to stay on and do six form and A levels but he was adament he wanted to leave school. The only way I would agree was for him to have a full time job to go to. Which he was lucky enough to get in a warehouse. He absolutely hated the job, especially when all his friends were on school holiday and he had to work. Only yesterday did he get a new job with better prospects doing something he wants to do. He is now settled and has money in his pocket and a smile on his face. If I had just let him leave school with nothing to go onto he would of slept in bed all day and x boxed.

Ask your son about his future plans. If he has none then he might as well carry on with school!

Samantha - posted on 04/26/2012

If he choose to leave support him in doing so! There is a great website called www.k12.com he will be able to still get a high school deploma through doing home school. It will allow him to do homework in his own time. Here is the online public school link and its free http://www.k12.com/schools-programs/onli...

Some homeschool programs allow kids to work ahead above their grade level so he could have a high school deploma sooner then he would if he would be in a normal school setting. I hope this helps.

Adelle - posted on 04/26/2012

Is your son quitting for a legitimate reason such as wanting to start a traineeship or apprenticeship, or is it because he's had enough? If the former - & he is committed - then I would support & encourage him as much as possible. If the latter, however, I would sit him down & get a clear perspective of what is happening in his life that is making school so intolerable for him. Is it the teachers or kids? Is it the work load? Is it outside pressures or influences? Is there anything that can be done to make him want to stay at school? I would also suggest talking to him about his future aspects & goals - where does he see himself in the next five years? What are his career aspirations & how can you assist in order for him to achieve these? Will school make a difference to said career/future aspirations? These are considerations that you & your family can put to your son; give him some credit as a young adult to enable him to make his own mind up BUT make it known that he's not alone in this decision! A pros & cons chart may help in this matter too.

Janelle - posted on 04/25/2012

My daughter whos 15 refused to go to school.she saw a therapist that helped her work through her problems.she missed a whole grading period and was failing school.we sought out k12.com and signed her up for classes and shes doing great now even has a part time job.she should only be a little behind for the fall but she can take classes at the college to make up the classes and credits needed to graduate.i think the therapist really helped what was going on.i would reccommend that before anything.i myself was a dropout but i got pregnant with her and had no help with the baby to go back and i wish i would have tried.good luck

Bec - posted on 04/25/2012

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but maybe let him leave school and work if that is what he really wants to do.
I left school (and home) very young and had to support myself, I then went back to school and an adult and finished and have since gone on to become a nurse. I have never been unemployed, and while I won't say it has been the easiest path I have put the effort in because it was my choice and I could see the benefit.
You say you refuse to sign him out but it seems like you have had a really tough time, why fight something that is really a losing battle?
I am in Australia so I don't know what the law is with the age you can leave school over there but here you can leave by 16 without a parents premission. Another idea is maybe look at alternative schooling for him rather then mainstream high school, maybe he might learn better in a different kind of enviroment?

Jennie - posted on 04/25/2012

June, the only way that can happen now is if he's 17, a junior and he still would have to finish senior year.

Micha'ele - posted on 04/25/2012

Sorry that should have said "you can't always be everything for your children". You're not a failure but Tammy sounds like she has a great answer, online schooling nowadays has come a long way. Maybe that's the answer. Not every child fits into the "high school" mold. I would support him in doing something like that, but I think you still need to set some boundaries. Tell him he needs to do the online route or the he will need to find a job first then he take his GED, it just sounds like wishful thinking....as a business owner who would you hire? A hs graduate, a teenager with a GED, or a teenager who wants to work but it still motivated enough to continue his education online....I would choose the latter. Sending hugs your way!

Tamara - posted on 04/25/2012

If he wants a shortcut, he can go to city college and can count the credits double. Not only do they count toward a degree (which may or may not matter to him), but the actual units count double for high-schoolers.



The atmosphere at city college may be more his style.

Micha'ele - posted on 04/25/2012

My instincts tell me there is more going on then you are aware of. A few years ago our family suffered four tremendous losses, my kids lost a grandfather, a grandmother, a favorite auntie and to top it off they then lost their cousin at the age of 20 in Afghanistan. He was murdered. Trust me when I say that kids grieve differently then we adults do. They don't know how to talk about it or how to express what their feeling and especially if it was your father who passed, my guess is he probably knew how bad you felt being he too lost his father. He probably doesn't want to put that feeling of loss on you for fear of making you feel worse. When kids say they want to quit school it's because their motivation has been taken away. I would him in counseling ASAP, bribe him I you have to. But you need to set the boundaries as the parent, that's your job. It's not easy but you need to ask him to finish school, and let him know if his father was alive you and he probably wouldn't be having this conversation. Then you need to stand strong and give him consequences...if you quit school you will need to get a job and that job will need to pay him enough to pay you rent and to help with food, etc...you get the idea. Kids struggle it's part of life, but if we don't stand in front of them and tell them "no", when they get out into the real world they will have a big surprise and it won't be kind. I also think that for girls the message is mixed even though we have gone through many female struggles for equality, girls can still lean on boyfriends/husbands and even family more often then men. You need to ask him some serious questions, like what happens in a few yrs when he meets the person o his dreams, how is GOIN to help support a family? It won't be easy finding a job nowadays for someone whose only sixteen and a drop out. There forty-something people with high degrees that can't find work, people that used to be in the corporate world are now taking those jobs at the local burger joint to just feed their families....sounds like he needs more info before he makes his decision and may e you can find someone else who can help talk to him. A school therapist or counselor, a favorite teacher, a relative, anyone....kids do hear us but the tend to "listen" to others first. Good luck to you and realize that you can always be everything to your children it's ok to ask for help.

Jessica - posted on 04/25/2012

Maybe him to envision his role models and have him do a little research. Every successful person had a story. The ones who are happy are the most successful and have probably worked the hardest. For some reason he believes that he can be happy and successful withoutdoing the things that he doesn't want to do. Or possibly he has resigned himself to just settle with what life gives him. It's very difficult to convince a teenager to make long term goals andeven more difficult to get then to realize that 4 years of hard work will make the next 20+ years successful. After all, 4 years is a quarter of his life. Communication. My parents made me pay rent if I ever lived with them without going to school and I paid for all my college. Charge him a small amount if rent and make him responsible for every step of your agreement. Do not do anything for him. Then see where he stands in a couple of months.

Bobbie - posted on 04/25/2012

First take a deep breath. Set aside all the feelings that focus on you and put all your time and energy into focusing on him. That is not to say that you haven't focused on him but this "announcement" may be a cry for more good positive attention. As we all know the days fly by so fast and before we know it the children are getting less and less of our time. I suggest you put as much energy into his last years of being a child to the neglect of other things, especially relationships, dating , hobbies and the like. He needs to feel he is number one in your life. Don't compare him to his sisters. And please don't make negative comments like " I won't let you disappointment me the way they have". A child needs to hear what they have to stay in school not how it reflects on you or makes you feel.

Here are my suggestions.

Take one of the next upcoming paychecks to show him how much it costs to live. I did this with my daughter. I told her I would give her my entire check t AFTER she and I sat down and paid the bills together. I first asked her how much money did she think we should allot for the week's food, gas and entertainment. She said $300. We took that amount out and I then had her fill out checks or pay online for the cable bill, electric, mortgage, trash collection, phone service, cell phone bill and an unexpected vet bill of $85. When we were finished there was just $250 left, not the $300 she and I set aside for gas, groceries and entertainment. I said, "Well, I have a college degree so I make this amount of money and still there is a negative from my check, there is nothing to give you. I am actually $50 short for the week so no entertainment". She didn't get any money and walked away very much more educated.

After you do this with him ask him how much money he would like for spending money this summer. Is there a car? gas? cell phone bill? internet gaming? movie rentals? Tell him that he is required to work this full summer without any spending money coming from you so he can get a taste of what it will be like for him as a drop out. Stand your ground! This is not to torment or scare him . All children his age should be working. Idle minds will get into trouble and his self esteem will take a hit if he doesn't achieve self reliance.



Warning: I told my friend about this paycheck idea but she is not a responsible person who pays her bills in total. She puts TOWARDS her cable bill and phone bill and the like, what she thinks she can afford and gives herself way too much spending money. She ended up giving her son bad habits to follow and some spending money!



Good Luck! remember, this is about him, his life and his future, you need to focus on how he feels.

Vanessa - posted on 04/25/2012

If he's motivated and you really believe he'll follow through on the GED, letting him take his own route might not be the worst thing in the world. I left high school in 11th grade under similar circumstances, got a job, and quickly realized that working for minimum wage wasn't what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I ended up going to community college, then a four-year university, and have had a successful career in my field. I know it's disappointing when your child doesn't take the traditional life path (it was for my mother) but it doesn't have to mean that either of you have failed.

Pascale - posted on 04/25/2012

And by the way, you have not failed. You are a great mother who is doing what she can with what she's got -just like the rest of us. The fact that you are still there for your children, in my eyes, you are defenitely not a failure. Keep your head up, everyone -including children, teenagers and adults- do things in their own time, we just have to make sure we are there for one another when we soar and when we fall, because we all do at some stage in life. :)

Megan - posted on 04/25/2012

That was supposed to say CAVA for CA residents not Calvary :)

June - posted on 04/25/2012

maybe you can have someone who did drop out of school and regretted it, talking to him. Maybe he can be sent to work some hard laborous job so he can see what kind of work he will end up doing if he does drop off. Maybe just for one weekend. Check it out.

Megan - posted on 04/25/2012

You could look into cavalry or online school through the public school or independent studies.

Kylie - posted on 04/25/2012

If he thinks himself adult enough to leave school, then maybe sit down with him and ask what his plans are. How does he plan to make money? What does he want from his future? etc. This way may be you can find some middle ground. June suggested the Army which might be exactly what he needs, but if that is too drastic maybe you could make a deal if he finds a part time job and keeps while at school for 6 months you will let him leave if he still wants too. When my brother wanted to leave my Mum agreed, but only if he got an appenticeship before he left. He took her up on that. You might even be able to arrange for him to have a set amount of time of as a trail, say 1 month off school in which time he must find and keep a full time job, if he can't then back to school and no more talk of leaving.



I suppose the thing to keep in mind is you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink, by which I mean (depending where you live) you may be able to force him to go to school but you can't force him to learn. Considering he has dealt with so much loss it may also be worth considering talking to school counsellors.

Pascale - posted on 04/25/2012

I dropped out of school when i was teenager and it was the worst thing i could of done. I went back years later and finished high school then went on to University but it was hard work going back. I always compare good education to a house. Yes, high school is a drag, but high school is the foundation for your house. It's gray, it's boring and it's quite monotonous. But without a good solid foundation, your house will crumple to the ground. Once your foundation is down, you can decorate your house however you want, but you need that boring bit before you can decorate.



At the time I was in high school, my parents were going through a nasty divorce and no one seemed to care. Your son might be feeling like no one listens to him and possibly feel that no one cares about him. Sit with him and really listen to him. Validate his feelings and assure him that no matter what, you still love him. Please don't kick him out -as others have pointed out, I have a feeling that this would further fuel his notion that no one cares or loves him. He is probably going through a rough patch in his life and he might feel that he can't talk to anyone. He's a male and he probably needs another male to talk/confide to. Have you thought about enrolling him in some sort of program like Big Brothers? I think it would help him to have some male companionship in his life right now. But whatever you do, don't push him, he'll just push you away; just remind him that you love him and that although yes, the decision is in his hands, you hope he does the right thing.



Another thing is that some people tend to learn when they do a more hands-on approach, maybe suggest to him that he can change schools where they have another teaching approach, as opposed to learning through books.



Hope this helps.

Crystal - posted on 04/25/2012

I WOULD TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT HIS SCHOOL AND SEE IF HE IS BEING BULLIED. I WOULDN'T JUST ASK HIM, I WOULD ASK A FEW OF HIS FRIENDS.