My Teen daughter and husband are always fighting..what can I do?

[deleted account] ( 18 moms have responded )

My 15 year old daughter is always butting heads with her father. Its really hard on me, because they always seem to try and stick me right in the middle! I think he's too strict, he thinks I'm a pushover. She thinks he hates her and is always picking on her, he thinks she hates him. I've tried talking to both of them, but they are both so stubborn! Sometimes he even acts like a teenager himself, especially when he's talking to her.

Please Help, any advice would be great!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Deb - posted on 08/14/2013

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I am glad to read your responses but I feel as if my situation may be a little more volatile. My daughter and husband are always fighting. In my opinion, he picks on her for petty things..mostly the way she speaks to us. I think that she is a teenager and is feeling things out. He thinks that it is disrespect. The problem is this. He shows her no respect. She is an honors student, active in sports/activities, does not drink/drugs/date, is happy to spend time at home. I choose to look at the bigger picture. He nitpicks. He screams at her and uses foul lanuage. He tells her that he will not be disrespected by a snot-nosed F..king kid. He blames me for her behavior. He tells me that if I were a good mother then she would be a good kid. He told me that I have to side with him whether I agree or not. He has told me that I need to choose because she will be gone in a couple of years then it will be only him. I feel as if I need to protect my daughter and that he needs to learn to listen to her and to appreciate all her good qualities. He said that it is his house and his rules and if I don't like it to take her and don't let the door hit me on my way out! What do you all think??? PLEASE!!!

User - posted on 11/20/2014

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Great read dealing with this myself. Its hard as my daughter had no respect, but my hubby, acts like a kid and resorts to name calling etc.. Not being adult. I've asked them both to be bigger person. But at this point I just feel like crying... Daughter has depression issues, and he pokes her sensitive emotions trying to get to her. In turn she shows no respect...

[deleted account]

Hi Helen, It's been a few years since this post. Would you be able to give me an update on what you did and the outcome. As I'm reading your post I couldn't help but to compare. I'm going through the same exact thing with my husband and daughter.....same exact thing.

Rebecca - posted on 04/22/2009

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I go through this with my 17yo and her dad. I grew tired of it one day and sat them both down. I had a dishtowel and told them that whoever held the dishtowel could talk, but they had to use the 'I feel, I think, I would like' conversation when they began. I took coin and flipped it - my ex-husband won. He started with 'I feel upset when we argue. I think you don't respect me, I would like for us to talk and spend more time together.' (shocked me!!!) When it was my daughters turn, she said, 'I feel that you treat me like a child. I think I am old enough to make my own decisions. I would like you to talk to me with respect.' Finally, they were able to talk and they realized that he was scared to see her grow up and she was struggling to step away from being 'Daddy's little girl'.



Sometimes, the best thing we can do as Moms is to facilitate a conversation. I didn't interfere, unless it began to get heated... then I made them do the 'I feel, I think, I would like' to cool it down again.



Best of luck to you!!

Brooke - posted on 03/01/2014

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This will be coming from a daughter's perspective. My mother re-married after my father. Of course you know that has to be hard already. But even through ten years of being with each other, we -both- were always bickering and fighting. He got along fine with all my other siblings who he had taken as his own of course through the marriage, but with me we were always fighting. I personally feel it's not something you should force them to talk over. Let it happen. My step-father returned from the Desert during a tour, I still hated him (I'm not using that term loosely either, I hated him). And then one day he was just playing video games (all men are still boys) and he asked me to help him with this one part of a video game. I did. And he complimented me. COMPLIMENTED ME. It was a first, and it's honestly why I got into video games. Maybe my mother had something to do with it? Maybe she told him to stop always condescending me (mostly teasing/mocking but I was a teenager, I took everything literally). And now him and I at dinners look back at those times and laugh and wonder why we fought so much when we're now the best of friends? I personally say let it happen, or encourage the husband to find some sort of common ground with the daughter. You can't ask the daughter to be an adult here, because she's not. But ask the father to try to be.

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Melanie - posted on 03/09/2017

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I've just spent an hour napping in my vehicle trying to calm and work my way through this. It's my 15 year old and her stepdad. She hates him, he hurt me years ago, we broke up for four years, then reunited and married. I'm so happy to be back with him. She won't let go. He thinks completely different than me about teenagers and I don't know how to deal with it. He demands the upper hand in all things with her. He picks at so many things and seems to be itching to prove he's the bigger person. He says teenagers feelings aren't valid because they aren't adults yet and they need to bend to our will. She's my fourth teen....he has a10 year old daughter. My daughter tries to push him out whenever we are all together. I was married before and she got really close to this guy and he's a prince in her eyes even after leaving me for another woman 5 months after the wedding. At this point it feels like I have to live two different lives and keep them apart.

Kristen - posted on 09/26/2014

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I'm reading your response and its as if you have witnessed what goes on in my house. I am curious were you ever able to resolve the problems? If so, how? If not, how did you deal with them?

Faith - posted on 06/29/2014

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As the daughter of this type of situation, I've got to say- think of your daughter. If you allow your husband the emotionally torment and hurt your daughter, how do you think things will end for her?

Your husband sets the example for every other male relationship she has. Do you want your daughter to be treated by her husband the way your husband and her father treats her?

Consider family therapy, get him parenting classes and your daughter out of a bad situation.

Good luck.

Kara - posted on 12/23/2013

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I feel like I am in the same situation... The only difference is my daughter is 13 and it's her step-dad! Hope you find some answers!!

Jo - posted on 09/19/2013

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I am in exactly same situation, wish i had an answer but dont. they are both driving me to insanity

Lynn - posted on 09/08/2013

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Deb -
I think you and your husband should go to marriage counseling. The two of you need to be united to help your daughter. You are struggling to remain neutral, but in effect is choosing sides with no support. I am sure that your husband loves his family and does not mean the things that he says in the heat of the moment, but it is obvious that he needs a release.
Possibly, a vacation for the two of you or evenings with his guy friends. I gave my husband a golf membership (he didn't like golf before, but he does now).

At some point, we all need a break and it seems like he is really in need of some time and help to reposition himself as husband/father.

If you must take a stand it may be better understood when you first consider who was the initiator, not the instigator. Even in a fight amongst children it is the initiator who receives the greater lashing.

[deleted account]

Get them and sit them in room and lock them in there work out there things if that do let me now i got idea.

Jennifer - posted on 04/26/2012

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You took the words right out of my life! I don't understand either of them. They tell on each other, and blame it all on me for trying to help. I give up.

Denise - posted on 04/25/2009

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she wants to make her own rules an hates the fact she can't with dad so put mom in the middle an if mom an dad fight it gets the attention off of her. when he tells her no or punishes her stay out of it , walk away. went throgh this so many times with my daughters. now 2 of them are 26 an 23 yrs old. they laugh about it now an will tell you how glad they are their dad was the way he was with them. girls are the worst when they can't get their way just let her no that you an your husband are sticking togather.

User - posted on 04/22/2009

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I'm thinking maybe you could suggest something for them to do together, alone, to sort things out, maybe a camping trip, fishing, bowling, something they can do together that will take their minds off yelling at each other. We have a no yelling rule in our house and talk about everything, My teenage children love this because we listen to what they want and they listen to what we want and in the end we always reach a compromise. It's hard seeing your child spoken too, by their dads, in a way you would never allow a stranger to talk to them. Good luck... I hope everything calms down for you soon

Sandra - posted on 04/22/2009

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Unfortunately, there is not much you can do. Other than to step back, and not get in the middle. Which, is easier said than done. A lot of teenagers go through this. But, an adult should not be arguing with a teenager, it only leads to hurt feelings and resentment. Sometimes you have to choose your battles, and let the small stuff go.

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