My teen girl has been posting pics and dirty talking online .HELP

Diane - posted on 10/01/2009 ( 31 moms have responded )

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She has been posting suggestive pics and talking dirty to guys online. I think she has been doing it on web cam too. Now that I found out and grounded her she is threatening to kill herself . What should I do > I can't get her into see a councilor for a few weeks.

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Michelle - posted on 10/07/2009

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First pray and ask the Lord for guideness. There should also be some recent cases of this on the internet about teenage girls who get hurt by not knowing what they are doing on the internet, Ive actually had to use this with my son , he is 16 and he was posting some racial things on the internet. I went to his school and the campus police officer pulled him out of class and we talked with him about what the officer has seen in his line of duty and the dangers.... Hope this helps...

Kerry - posted on 10/06/2009

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First off I would like to mirror what Kellie said above and point out that what she is doing is now called "Sexting" and many teens are being caught up in legal battles and having to register as "sex offenders" because she is distributing child pornography online. Just enter Sexting and legal battles into google and show her the trouble she can get into.



Now as for why she is doing it, she might just think its funny or neat with no other reason. She needs to know that, and even though it is hard to say, until she is 18 she is considered a child in the eyes of the law and therefore can't do these things but unfortunately at 18 she can do as she pleases and you should try to convey to her how destructive this behavior can be when these things get posted online. Find out if she was just doing it for fun or if an adult was pressuring her for the pictures online and that is why she did it. Many of her friends are engaging in the same type of behavior as are many adults of all ages, from 18 to old age.



While I see why taking away the computer and cell phone would be the first reaction it might not prevent the behavior and will make her angry. You need to find out why she felt that posting and talking like this was something to do at her age. Taking it away at home just means she can go to a friends house and do it. I would recommend limited use and you must have all passwords to all her accts...Email, facebook, myspace and then make her remove all the suggestive stuff from being on the pages. Also look up the New Englands patriot cheerleader who at 18 was the youngest NFL cheerleader ever...at least for a whole month. Then she goes to a party and has some "unethical" pictures taken of her and posted online by others....well the New England team kicked her off because the pictures were not the image they wanted portrayed. Same has happened to girls trying out for the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders to gals that made the final cut and then they have an investigator go and look at their social networking pages. Anything suggestive on them and they don't make it. Many places also have a "morals" clause now and even many schools do if you want to be on a sports or cheer team.



I would suggest printing out all this stuff or making her read the articles online- if you don't have a printer - and ask her if she wanted to end up like them in 2 or 3 years because once a picture is in cyberspace it stays there.



Because many adults do engage in behavior online that they wouldn't normally do, it sends a message that these behaviors are cool and fun. Many college girls do online things (webcam sex stuff) to make extra money and therefore just restricting her and making her mad might not get her to see how this behavior affects her.



Sometimes when teens are told no because a parent doesn't find it appropriate doesn't solve the issue at hand and that is what you need to solve. Is why did she feel at her young age, she felt it was OK to become involved in something very adult....My 17 yr old is a dancer and many of these dancers (not my daughter because i dont' allow it and she thinks its silly) have plastered bikini photos and photos of them in very skimpy dance workout gear (sports bra and dance shorts) and in poses that are suggestive if taken out of the context of dance yet they see nothing wrong with these pictures. So it might be she just doesn't see "what the big deal is" because everyone does it.



A therapist can only make headway if she is doing this because of low self esteem or other mental issues....if she is doing it because so is everyone else, then pointing out how she is too young for this behavior might not work. Please sit down and discuss ways to use the internet constructively and also that you will be monitoring all of her future use. With cell phones, you can look up all texts online even after they have been erased from the phones, so if you want to know what she is doing you can find out that way.

Naomi - posted on 10/06/2009

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Ah the joys of parenting a teenaged young lady...a.k.a. an alien! I would suggest having a sit down conversation with her instead of grounding her. The bottom line is that she is old enough to make choices, good ones and yes, even bad ones! Explain to her how this negatively impacts how others view her (yes even her peers), affects her personally, questions both her morals and ethics. One threatening their life is very major, so unless you think her statement is a serious one, I would simply place this back in her lap. It is clear she wants a reaction, even if it is a negative one! The next time she states that she is going to doing something harmful to herself, I would calmly let her know that it is up to you as her parent to ensure she is safe, even if that means calling 911. Also let her know, once the phone call has been made, the actions then taken are non reversable. Counseling is a great way to work through the bouts of bad behavior, but you showing and sharing with her how valuable she is, is priceless and can't be given to her by anyone else, except good ol' mom!

Michelle - posted on 10/05/2009

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I had the same problem with my 14 year old. she was using text messages.. so she was grounded from the c0mputer and the phone for a long period of time... she seen our pastor and worked out alot of her insecurities.... she now has her text back but no piture messages and she has limited use of computer and it is monitored..... Good Luck with your situation... the counceling will be the key... and if you go to church regularly... try having her talk with someone there... youth pastors are wonderful too..

good luck!!

Tracie - posted on 10/04/2009

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You should check out LearnthenPlay.com it is a monitoring software that would allow you to stay on top of what she is doing on the computer. It will give her the freedom but keep her out of trouble. Fighting with them is hard, believe me I know. This will give you peace of mind. It only costs $6.95 per month for the Premium edition and you can get emails on what she is doing, it is easy to use and this could save your relationship. You can also remote access in from work, if you don't like what she is doing, you can shut her down from where you are. Check it out.....

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31 Comments

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Tgreeeen - posted on 10/12/2012

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First, get all the cameras in the house and hide them real good.

Second, poke out the camera on her cell phone

Third, poke out the lens of the camera on the computer with an ice pic



It is easy to live without a camera. People did it for centuries.



As far as talking dirty or writing dirty stuff...that is a very short phase. Maybe overlook it for a couple weeks and it will go away.



It's important to have a good relationship with your child. Do things with her, walks in the woods, camping, fishing, etc. Then you will be able to talk to her calmly about important things like not trusting certain people, wearing seat belt, not getting in the car with someone who has been drinking or using, wearing a bike helmet. These are all the things you should remind your child occasionally in a calm way so they listen.

Kalyn - posted on 01/12/2012

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Hey there, just wondering how things are going with your daughter and the online action? I have found out my daughter is doing the same thing and acting the same way when i took all communications from her. she doesnt think she is doing any wrong and she says she wants to die because i took from her... Please if you have any advice let me know. I would live to start a discussion for something in this topic... I am sure we are not the only moms going threw this.

Donna - posted on 10/22/2009

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I'm reading a common thread through everyones posts. DO remove her privileges. Kids need to understand that the computer, phone, etc. are privileges, they don't pay the bill! Has she used suicidal threats before? Look at patterns. Is it her character to make threats when she doesn't get her way? She may be bluffing, but that doesn't mean you don't take her seriously. I like Sandra's advice to sit down and listen to your daughter without a dictoral attitude. It's so easy for us parents to be pointing our finger telling them what to do. Instruction has its place but our teens need to know we are not the enemy and we are on their side. Hard balance! I have a 16 yr. old daughter. What has been helpful for me is to keep the lines of communication open. Let your daughter know you love her unconditionally and that you will stick by her through anything while lovingly making boundaries. Lovingly ask her probing questions like: is there a specific reason your doing this? is there something bothering you? is someone pressuring you? Counceling is a must as soon as you can get her in because she may not open up to you. But let her know you cannot tollerate that kind of behavior because you love her so much (tell her that after you let her vent, if she is willing). Best wishes.

Linda - posted on 10/19/2009

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First make sure she knows that this can be a felony in some states and that she can be marked as a sexual preditor and that wll never get off her record. Many kids think this is just a little fun not relizing this. Then maybe talk to her try getting her some books about girls living on the streets that strips and sells there self then maybe se will see where this stuff can lead The library has books that are urban fiction very honest about the streets might make her relize she dont want to go down that road

Jo Ann - posted on 10/07/2009

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Set parental controls on your computer. You can block sites, set times she can long on and off, how long she can be on, what days - will even show you where she goes on the internet it's great. Had similar problems with my 16yo daughter - will not allow her on my space anymore just asks for trouble.

Evelyn - posted on 10/07/2009

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I would strongly suggest you get some sort of parental lock set on your computer when you do decide she can have the privileges back to help prevent this again. Web cam should be locked up and the key thrown away! I agree with another post that she is probably not suicidal but just angry and trying to "bully" you into giving her back what she wants. The computer my kids are allowed to use is out in the open so that I can see what they are doing at all times. I do not think I will ever allow them to have one hooked up to the internet in their room that way I never have to worry about this.
Good luck to you and I wish you and your daughter the best in getting this resolved.

Jennifer - posted on 10/06/2009

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I went through the same thing with my daughter. I found that telling her if she feels that she should kill herself then there is nothing you can do to stop her and you will see her in heaven someday. With my daughter she wanted attention, which is apparent by the attention she is getting by being suggestive online, I am most certain that you daughter is doing the same and if she feels that you will not give her your attention when she suggest such negative things she will quit saying it. I tried to find things about my daughter that were positive and gave her extra attention about those things. It is a cry for attention and not neccesarily from men but from family also. For what it is worth that is my opinion based on my experience. Good luck and may God bless you and your family.

Elisabeth - posted on 10/06/2009

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Hate to say this but, if she's doing this, what else is she doing? I'm not entirely sure that this would be an isolated activity. Teen girls are doing almost unthinkable things these days. For example, there's a frightening trend within schools for girls to be filmed on a phone whilst 'servicing' boys in the toilets or a remote part of school, and for that film to be circulated round the guys in school - and way, way beyond. My thinking is that this precious girl needs to be kept safe until she is able to keep herself safe or be responsible for her own actions as an adult. Sanctions like grounding or removing internet / phone are good (as long as she can earn them back, with appropriate nannying from you), but so is being able to heal your relationship and really listen to her. Show her you care about her so very, very much. Counselling could be really great for her but hang too much on it (I'm a psychotherapist, by the way!!) as being 'sent' to counselling rather than her actually ::wanting:: to go may not work, plus there is also a stigma attached to it for teenagers - especially with a counsellor in a school. However, once teens are past the hurdle of the stigma etc, and really engage with the counsellor, it can be brilliant.
Best of luck - I dont envy you, being in this position...

Brownie - posted on 10/05/2009

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Take the internet out of your home and put a block on it if you need it in your home. Then crack down on your daughter yourself and if she is threatening suicide take her to the nearest emergency room. Waiting for a counselor in a time of the threat of suicide is not feasible.

Tracie - posted on 10/04/2009

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Diane, I forgot to mention that LearnthenPlay has a thesaurus built in for pedafile language. You will be sent emails notifying you of emails with any content on someone trying to contact her. Although you are already aware of this type of activity it could help save her life. I know that if she wants to get on that computer, she will find a way. This program runs in stealth mode and she will not know that it has been installed or that it is running in the background. If you take it away from her completely, she will find a way to do what she wants. She will go to a friends house, or go use someone elses computer. We tried everything with our kids, we took the keyboards, they would get some from friends. Where there's a will theres a way.

Beth - posted on 10/04/2009

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I agree that she needs to lose her "electronics privileges" as we've taken to calling them here (blanket term for all forms of cyber access and video games so there can be no misunderstanding that there won't be ANY of that stuff allowed). However, you can't control what she does at her friends' houses so it is important to talk to her. I was going through my cell phone bill about a year ago and noticed that there were A LOT of text/pix charges on my sister's phone so I went through the bill with a fine-toothed comb and discovered that there had been a lot of pix sent to Infomatch.com and some other sites. More research showed that it was my 13-year old niece who was using her mother's camera phone to take naked pix of herself and others and posting them online, emailing them to boys, etc. When I was in high school my friends and I all read a Judy Blume book (can't remember the title) in which the characters all decided they needed to lose their virginity before they went to college. Well, we all decided we needed to do the same thing. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Anyway, make sure your daughter understands that part of a lot of employers' background checks include internet searches and that what she is posting can be sen by ANYONE -- including people who might want to hurt her. I remember how hard it was to think about anything past the next year or so when I was a kid and we didn't have technology that could essentially ruin our lives then! I owld also ask her if she is erious about killing herself and let her know it's your job to keep her safe and that you'll have to take her to the hospital if it is a real problem but I wouldnt threaten her with it because it has been my experience that threats come back to bite one HARD. You also don't want her to think of the hospital as a bad place just in case she really does need the help. It's like scaring a small child with calling the police when they misbehave -- they develop fears that can make them not go to authrity figures when they really, really need to.

Magda - posted on 10/04/2009

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First take it all away! You don't have to feel guilt for taking it either. It's your job to steer her in the right direction and protect her. And sometimes the threat of killing themselves is just attention, what I do with my 17 year old when she threatens me with killing herself is tell her "the hospital is 20 minutes from here, I will take you there if you need me to, you will stay there for a week unless your found to be to dangerous for yourself" She knows I mean it, that i would take her. She usually cuts her crap after that!

Valorie - posted on 10/03/2009

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Take the computer away from her. She cannot post pictures on a computer that is not there. You can also put a security password on your computer. My kids, ages 10 13 and 15 cannot even turn my computer on unless I put the password in. They hate it. I love it. I am in control of when they are on the computer and that is only when I am in the home with them and out computer is in the living room right where I can monitor everything that they do. It is my job as a parent to know what they are doing online, especially since I would be held liable for anything they did because they are all minors. It's perfectly alright to supervise your children,(even though they might not agree). You are the parent. Keep telling yourself this.

Ursula - posted on 10/03/2009

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take everything away from her computer phone....have her watch something that tells you and shows you what happens to kids who do that stuff...in my experance teenage kids always say they will kill themselfs when they get cought and things taken away,but still take her serious and seek help...

Kellie - posted on 10/03/2009

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I went thru a similiar situation with my "just turned 16 yo" she threatened to kill herself too...but she's still alive. It took getting her into the juvenille system to settled her down and she is now on probation. It has been explained to her that what she is doing is ILLEGAL! We know as parents that this is a very scary situation, but don't expect your child to see it in the same way. I am also a psyc. student and I have learned that their brains are wired differently from an adults brain. So she will not see your reasoning behind the lecture. I would recommend, what I did myself, first of all get her in counselling, even if you have to wait, second, take away the cell phone and computer privileges. My children have access to one computer which is password word protected and it's located in the living room. They are allowed 30 min of supervised time on the computer a day, this privilege is taken away when there is bad behavior. B/C it is password protected they have to come to me to ask me to log on for them. Make sure the password is something totally off the wall, something they would never think of and do not write it down anywhere! Most important...be consistant...if you say no, mean it and stand behind it! Your child will not kill herself, she's only trying to push your buttons! But that's where the counselling comes in...she may need to be medicated, their could be some underlying circumstances that is causing her behavior. My daughter was actually DX'd with BiPolar Type 2 (depressive w/ occasional manic episodes) and she now takes Depakote which has helped her to slow down and think things through before acting.

It's a rollercoaster ride, hang on. I have 2 teenage daughter 31 months apart in age and the chaos never stops. Stay on your toes and yes, be nosey!

Noreen - posted on 10/02/2009

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I put a security lock on my computer to stop the posting... and any sites my daughter was on I had the pass word or she wasn't allowed on.



If you have AOL they are linked with a partner that can record each key stoke your child makes

Cynthia - posted on 10/02/2009

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My daughter and I share a myspace and she knows I check it everyday & so do her friends, she also has a cell phone. When I learned that she sent a topless pic to a boy (she told me) I had picture messaging blocked!!! I don't think your daughter has some psychiatric problem I think she just wants some attention!!! She's a teen!!!

Crystal - posted on 10/02/2009

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I know the fealing my daughter who lives with her dad has posted naked pics of her self and my grown son was on a porn site (god forbid) and found dirty video of her and was appauled and upset to say the least, to see dirty pics of his own sister . my daughter said she was sending them to just her boyfriend, whom shes sexually active with thanks to dear old dad allowing it to go on in his home. Anyways you need to take her computer and phone away and keep her As close to you as possible . Talk to her and tell her she can be prosecuted as well as you and your husband for child porn. WHICH YOU CAN BE! tell her theres people out there that would rather hurt her and can find her very easily with very little effort thanks to computers and hackers without her knowledge.Try to be calm and talk to her, tell her your job as a parent is to to what you think is best for her and to protect her no matter what !and that you'll do what it takes, so if she wants to harm herself then you could have her commited for her safty. Ask her if that what she really wants or is there somthing you could do to help her. Obviously she has isssues or she wouldn't be acting this way she's hurting and this is her way of acting out and asking for help. She just dosen't realize it, but you do! So hold on and pray ,god is the only one who can help you as a parent !ask him for help .I know i've been there! also tell her you love her no matter what and that your not a phsycologist but you've been around the block and that you can listen and if she wants you can suggest a few things to help her. Give her the best advice you can, but most important listen and love her and tell her you'll always be there when she decides she wants your help! Good luck!!!

[deleted account]

Take away her computer and cellphone ASAP and stick to your guns! She maybe playing you with the suicide talk. However, if you feel she is serious, I would not let her out of your sight and/or admit her to a psychiatric hospital immediately! If she is bluffing with the suicide talk, she won't do it again. If she is suicidal then she will get the help she needs.



Good luck!

Priscilla - posted on 10/02/2009

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Dr. Phil says that in this situation parents should take away her cellphone and suspend her computer privileges. (Cellphones and computers are PRIVILEGES, not rights.) I agree with Dr. Phil and would not hesitate to follow Dr. Phil's advice if my child were behaving this way. Sit her down and explain that once those pictures are in cyberspace they stay there FOREVER and these types of indiscretions can (and will) come back and bite her in the butt. Teenagers are so melodramatic, they know that they can scare you by threatening to kill themselves and they often threaten this to get their way. She is probably not depressed or suicidal, just angry. Since you can't get her in to see a counselor for a few weeks, ask the school guidance counselor to talk to her about this situation. The guidance counselor can get a feel for whether or not your daughter is actually suicidal or just angry and the guidance counselor will call you back to let you know how things go. When my daughter was in high school marching band, they desperately needed another female chaperone for a 4 day trip to Williamsburg, Virginia. I wanted to go very much and my husband was off work that weekend and he encouraged me to go and I had someone to watch my son so that wasn't a problem. But Courtney didn't want me to go, I guess she was afraid I'd "cramp her style" or whatever and she threatened to kill herself if I went so I (foolishly) decided not to go. Once the trip was over, Courtney told me that she wasn't serious about killing herself, she just had not wanted me along on the trip. That was several years ago and she now regrets saying those things to me and I regret backing down and allowing my daughter to manipulate me with idle threats. Hang in there Diane and keep a strong backbone, motherhood ain't for wimps!

Elaine - posted on 10/02/2009

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I agree with everyone... talk with her... but dont give back the comp. pier pressure is so high these days .... who's to say she is not being pressured by other kids saying this is cool and your not cool if you don't do it. kids do all kinds of things to fit in.... its so scary.
. i have watching so much of that on tv... kids doing stuff to fit in.... and i agree with angie... if she is saying she is going to kill herself she can be admited asap.... and you can tell her that.... maybe she is trying to guilt you into giving back the pc or just trying to push you away.... parenting is never easy... its us that has to make the hard choices and not care if we are not popular ... good luck

Angie - posted on 10/02/2009

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You did the right thing. Take the computer away from her, she obviously can't make wise decisons where it is concerned. I wonder is she is truly suicidal or if she's just angry. I was suicidal as a teenager and my parents ignored it, so taking her to the doctor is the right thing to do. If you believe she is truly suicidal, she can be admitted to a hospital to protect her.

DIANA - posted on 10/01/2009

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I feel for you! My niece is in the same situation right at this very moment and I am caught in the middle trying to figure out how to resolve the problem that I saw coming very early on. I have worked with teens and I have a teenage boy of my own and your situation though unique to you is happening all over this country and world. I offer to you in addition to what was already offered in a previous post that you sit back and discuss with your daughter the situation at hand. She is surely suffering from the absence of something in her life or feeling angry, resentful, hurt, or any other multitude of feelings that she is having difficulty in expressing or communicating to you, her friends, herself, or anyone else. She needs you right now more than ever to simply love and support her and be there for her no matter what. Let her no that you want no harm to ever come towards her and you will always protect her and that she can talk to her and that you will listen. This needs to happen as you seek help and continue even after in order to ensure her health and happiness. In the end, you just have to do what ever it takes to be the best parent possible for your children to ensure they grow up to be healthy and responsible human beings.

[deleted account]

I feel for you. You have many options, most school districts or counties have emergency counseling as that is a threat not to be taken lightly. Take her to your church and many churches have qualified staff at least until you can get a doctor to evaluate her. I will also suggest that you and your daughter take alone time and talk, but let her talk, allow her to release all that steam. Stay calm, composed, do not interrupt, don't judge, critize and soon enought she will run out of steam. You will need lots of patience and listen, asses the situation and together make a plan that will work for the two of you at least until you get a professional involved to help you. My son and I had a few huge fights and then it dawn on me, so I tried it. It wasn't easy as I was eager to snap at him and correct him, and then I realized that I need to listen and I also needed to work on my parenting skills. I am very direct with him and I told him, am sorry you don't come with a manual and being a parent is hard job and you don't make my job easy. Lets make some decisions together, and you persuade them into what you want from them. It's very difficult, and it will test your patience, but the rewards are amazing. Kids do want dicipline and guidance, but they take it better when they are involved in the process instead of forcing it. I would point out how many celebrities are then apologizying for the bad pictures, and how once that is out there you can't take it back. It may not be important to her now, but in the future she will regret it just like many of those celebrities. I hope this helps you some, but don't wait and get help right away.

Chrissy - posted on 10/01/2009

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Diane,

It sounds as if she has low self esteem,,,,,,,,though I am no expert. But maybe she does this to feel wanted. If you can't get her in to see a councilor for a couple of weeks have you talked to the councilor at school. Most schools have one that the kids can go to when they have a problem or something they won't talk to thier parents about. This may be one way to go until you can get her into a regular councilor. Good luck.

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