My Teenage Daughter BI-Curiuos she says

Brenna - posted on 01/11/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I have a 14 year old Daughter that has over the last 5 months been dating a girl, I know at this age they are just curious but, It has her so emotional here latley. He girlfriend is very jealious and controlling and as I try and talk to my daughter about this she gets attitude and doesn't want to talk about it. I have recently told her that she willl not be spending the night with this girl and now all she does is cry and wine. Any advice would be Great do I allow this or do I tightnen the reins???

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Barbara - posted on 11/11/2012

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I'm learning that the way our teenagers learn (and all human beings) is through trial and error. My daughter has been approached by a 'bi' school girl friend and has utterly rejected the advance in favor of the 'cool guy' she is heartsick over that really doesn't know she exits. That said, she has made other mistakes, fortunately none that will cause her illness or 'labeling'. Our teenagers are looking for their own place in a very confusing world with so many images and directions, some healthy and others not, that it can be overwhelming. I didn't have the pressures our kids do. They appear to be 'non-conformists' to the adults in their world, but in reality, they are conforming to their peers to try and fit in. My daughter gained a lot of weight in fifth grade, I attributed most of it to summer boredom and her body reacting to hormone surges. She's dropped some weight, but still has more to go. We have had major battles over the last several weeks (my daughter is 15 now) over boys, school work, chores at home, the approaching holidays, name it. What has come out of this is her admission to me of feeling tortured and not knowing what direction to go in. Right now she needs total acceptance from me of WHO she is and WHERE she is in the process of growing and maturing. At this age, all teenagers are interested in sex. It's taboo, has the rush of 'forbidenness' about it and they know mom and dad wouldn't approve. If you are in parenting for 'pay back' it will never happen. She needs to know you love her, just as she is, like all of us, a 'work in progress'. That doesn't mean there aren't limits and consequences for inappropriate choices. Our attitudes and perceptions of our own kids sometimes spark their direction in ways we never imagined or wanted. Your post sounds angry, understandably, but if she perceives that anger, it may work against you.

My daughter and I are having a 'mom and me' day at least once a month. Get our nails done, get our hair done, go out to lunch, go to a movie, go to our local farmers market (healthy fruits and veggies!), have a special library day for just the two of us (we both love to read), or just a 'garage sale Saturday'. We are also turning off the tube one evening a week to play a game: Monopoly, Risk!, Trouble (her favorite), Uno, anything. No friends (hers or mine) are allowed to tag along, it's just for us to reconnect. We laugh over the board games, she tries to change the rules and I tease her about 'making things up as she goes along'. In the end, the one-on-one camaraderie we gained is far more important than ANYTHING the TV has to offer, and I can record a favorite show for viewing later if need be. Since dad is deceased, we don't have the male influence in our home, but then she doesn't feel guilty for 'leaving him out' of the 'girls night' either. Take a little of the pressure off of both of you, while still maintaining responsible boundaries, let her know she is loved exactly as she is, she may still make mistakes, but your relationship will grow, she will learn from her mistakes and if she knows you are always in her corner, praying for her, routing her on, encouraging her to make healthy choices, she may come around in time. If her behavior becomes too 'risky' then it might be time to get her into counseling for a few sessions to get to the root of what is bugging her. The teen years are certainly challenging, I've had to look at my own behavior, my reactions to things she's said and try to see things from her perspective (never easy). I've also realized that she misunderstands my point-of-view much of the time because they see things so 'black and white' and not like adults with the many layers of grey. For a teenager, from what my daughter tells me when we AREN'T battling, there is no 'life as usual'. Everyday has it's own challenges, confrontations, anxieties. I'm so glad I'm not a teen today. As for trust, it is an issue that has to be won. Give her a chance to win back your trust by just having fun together like you may have done when she was small. We used to play catch in the back yard, hide and seek, tag-you're it!, all kinds of outdoor fun stuff when my daughter was small. As she grew into her teen years those games lost their charm as she became more interested in phone calls with friends, nail polish, hair, makeup and what jeans to wear with which top (my opinion rarely consulted).

I mourned the loss of my 'little girl' and didn't rejoice much about her 'growing up'. She felt that distance when I wasn't even aware of it. During the backyard play time, the board games, the lunch out on Saturday, walking to/from the farmers market, she may open up in ways you'd never imagine. It will take time and investment from you, no judgement, no criticism, and absolutely NO directives (I've learned the hard way from my teen), keep the shocked look off mom's face (a real trial), just listening. You'd be surprised how much it has helped our relationship when I just shut my mouth, listen to her talk, hear her pain and confusion. Now I only offer suggestions when asked 'what do you think, mom?' Growing up isn't just for the teenager I'm learning, I have to do my share of growing up too, and sometimes, like it or not, that's keeping my opinions to myself and just listening. It's a work in progress and sometimes I fail, and hate the times I drop the ball. As long as we are taking two steps forward for every one I go backward, I have to call it progress. Hope this helps in some way.

Rebecca - posted on 01/16/2010

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you might want to get her hormone level checked...my oldest was going through this and we found out that she was producing too much testosterone instead of estrogen...just a thot

Glory - posted on 01/11/2010

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You need to really sit down with your daughter and talk to her. Let her know that in order for you to understand what she is going through she needs to open up to you. Let her know that you are here to LISTEN, not judge...maybe she is afraid to talk to you, thinking that all you are going to do is opinionate...She does not want to hear what you have to say, she probably wants you to listen....let her know, that you need her to make you understand and maybe let you in so you can see the world through her eyes,, you where a girl once, but you never encounter this situation before, and never saw it coming...Is important she knows that you are there for her, to listen, and to give advice when asked...good luck

Tracey - posted on 01/11/2010

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I would not let any child under the age of consent stay with a girl/boyfriend . Set boundaries now and stick to them. All teenagers whine about something, if you give in now you are making problems for youself later.

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Stephanie - posted on 02/14/2013

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she asking to sleep over her house, but why want her bff sleep over my house.

Stephanie - posted on 02/14/2013

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My daughter is 13 and she always been around boys to she meet her friends sister who is the same age and have become Bff, So after seeing the posting's on fb I said it's gotta be true she likes girl's, after her bff holding it back from her parents have finally told them she likes girl's, but never said she likes my daughter her bff. Know my daughter finds this out and my daughter asked if she would be her gf. Her bff said you are getting me confused your my bff. Then my daughter says I want you to be my babe. The past few months I noticed my daughter becoming moody, sad and angry. I told her no fb aloud in less I see what is going on. I always had a problem with her to except my friend request. Well she finally did. Maybe this is her way of tell me that she likes girls. She wants us to know, but want say it thinking we are going to be mad. know she been asking to sleep over. She spends a lot of time with the family and her brother who is her friend.

Jen - posted on 11/11/2012

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The original note was written 2 years ago, so I'm really grateful to see it's still being discussed up through last month. I just found out from another girl that my 14 1/2 year old daughter ... I can't say it, hopefully it's "known" ... with a girl. She has gone through a lot of changes in the past couple years, but has always been hypersexual, as far as thinking about it and trying to find a way, but it was always with boys. She gained a huge amount of weight, she lost ALL her friends, and boys stopped taking an interest in her. In my mind, I thought, "Well, it's one less worry I have to have for now." So what does she do? Go for girls. Now I can't even trust that she's going off to make "normal" friends with other girls! I was so happy that she'd finally started making friends, only to find it was just another way for her to have _ _ _.

To me, she's pulling 'jail house sex', where people go in, have short-term relationships because they can't get what they want on the outside, so they do what they have to, until they can get out, and then they go back to "life as usual."

My biggest concern now is TRUST. HOW am I supposed to look at her and not want to shake her! It breaks my heart. I have bent over backwards, taking her to loads of appointments, been there for every second of surgical recovery. Now that she's starting to get back into life, her way to repay me is to make absolutely every wrong mistake she can. Here it is, I thought she was making friends for the first time in two years, but nope, that wasn't it.

Barbara - posted on 10/17/2012

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My daughter is straight but was approached by a girl at her school who is Bi. It is a difficult issue but my daughter has shared with me that she feels uncomfortable around this girl because of her continued approach. I have eliminated 'sleepover's' at either girls house to take the pressure off my daughter. The other girl is permitted to come to our home for dinner or a movie night, but only if my daughter is ok with that and they must remain in the family areas of the house (family room, sun porch, kitchen etc). A few of my daughter's other girl friends have told me they feel uncomfortable around this girl as well. Despite the changes in society in the last 10 or so years, the orientation is still a major issue and can cause them much pain as life progresses. It might not be a bad idea to invite your daughter's friend over for dinner a quick pick-up dinner (pizza?) and let things just evolve. No sleepover, just dinner and a movie night on Friday. Take a quiet look at the interaction between the girls, see how the other teenager treats your daughter first hand, but without comment or intervention unless things get out of hand. You may get a better handle on things as you see how they interact, your daughter may feel exonerated because at least her friend was invited for a movie night and the other girl may get the message that more than this just isn't ok with you (because of the 'no sleepover' policy and hints from your body language). If that doesn't work out, I'd consider speaking to the other girls parents. They may not realize what is happening in their daughter's life and may want have a discussion with her. Just don't criticize your daughter for sitting still for this treatment, she's still trying to figure out who she is and what she will tolerate and what she won't (setting her own limits).

D - posted on 10/16/2012

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I am in a similar situation and I have never had issues with gay/lesbians until now that it has my daughter bi curious/ I think she is all fucked up in the head, peer pressure and confused . in my generation it was drugs, I was prepared for that, this I cant handle.

Tara - posted on 01/22/2010

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as far as the bicurious goes heck arent all of them nowadays seems like every time i pick my teen up from school there are new girls holding handslol then they look at you challenging you to say something, its the in thing right now for girls to fly both ways you see it all over tv and its plastered all over that boys like a girl better if she goes both ways i would just let it ride out and treat bf's/gf's the same

Tara - posted on 01/22/2010

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i would say no if she was dating a boy you wouldnt let her sty all night i hope god knows what there doing just cause its girls doesnt mean there not having sex as a matter of fact they are MORElikely to be 'doing it'

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In my opinion.. If your daughter considers this girl her 'girlfriend' then the same rules should apply if it were a boy friend.. Those rules for my child would be, no unsupervised visits, no alone time in the bedroom, and NO sleeping over..

Karen - posted on 01/16/2010

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i think your doing the right thing by not letting her stay the night. teenagers seem to cry and wine alot if they have rules to follow. my daughter told me about 2 years ago that she was dating a girl i guess i reacted the wrong way and she hated me for it. i soon learned that i had to be careful on what i said to her. she now told me that she has done things with some of her girlfriends. i never went through that. my friends were my friends and that was all.i think you do need to talk with her but just let her know your concerns on the controlling and jeliousy. no one should have anyone control there life.just keep trying she will come around. maybe meet this other girls parents and see what they are like. try and get to know the girl. your daughter may then think you are more accepting of this and open up a little more on the subject. sometimes they feel trapped in a relationship if it gets out of there control. this girl may have threatend her emotionally and she wants help but doesn't know how to get it.keep being her parent and stay strong with the rules you set. good luck.

Sharon - posted on 01/14/2010

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The letter idea is nice, the lines of communication are all but severed at this age. The one thing that you can not allow, is for your fears to dictate the boundaries that you set for her.
Permission to go on a sleepover is not automatically granted and is dependent on her showing that she is capable of setting her own boundaries , making good choices and
protecting herself. She has not illustrated this. She is allowing herself to be controlled and it is Moms job to intervene and protect her. I would recommend getting some support for you and for her during this time. Best of luck to you both.

Amber - posted on 01/14/2010

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14 is hard age but I can only suggest that you make ground rule's and stick to them. As for Her not wanting to talk, maybe she cannot talk/ tell you, ask her to write you a letter about how she is feeling & what is going on in her life! You can do the same by sending the first letter. This will also give you time to think about answer's for any hard problems / question's. I have used this way (letter) many times in my house, it has opened many door's to the teenage years & you will be surprised at what your daughter will say in letter because sometimes they just cant say what's happening! Give it a Go! She will enjoy your letter's too! And soon you will be talking about what she written to you! It is quiet easy!

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IS YOUR DAUGHTER GAY, R IS SHE'S DOING THIS BECAUSE SHE SEES OTHER PEOPLE DOING IT? SHE'S TOO YOUNG 2 B DATING ANYONE, FOR ONE THING. THIS SITUATION ISN'T RIGHT ANYWAY, BUT THEY HAVE TO ANSWER TO THAT. WHAT DOES THE OTHER CHILD PARENTS THINK ABOUT THIS SITUATION? YOU SHOULDN'T BE LETTING YOUR CHILD SPEND THE NIGHT AT ANYONE'S HOUSE, ESPECIALLY WITH THIS SITUATION THAT U HAVE. IT'S LIKE YOUR GIVING HER PERMISSION TO HAVE SEX, AND THAT'S NOT RIGHT AT ALL. I THINK THAT U SHOULD TIGHTEN THE REIGNS REAL QUICK B 4 THIS GETS OUT OF HAND.WHAT WOULD OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT U LETTING THIS HAPPEN? MOM NIP IT IN THE BUD. WHEN SHE GETS GROWN AND OUT OF YOUR HOUSE, AND SHE STILL FEELS THIS WAY, THEN IT'S UP TO HER, BUT UNTIL THEN, "NO."

Tawnee - posted on 01/12/2010

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well, try to HAVE the bi curious talk,, sounds like she is acting out some kind of anger or some thing towards you.She is seeing what you are going to do,, she wants your reaction on the situation, Like a rise,, but your not doing that,, your being understanding and she dont like it,, I would make her cut any relations with the girl,, sit in school with her for a couple of days,, that totally works on teen!!,, i did it a couple of times with my son!,, he has straiten up a lot!

Peggy - posted on 01/12/2010

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We stopped sleep overs in 6th grade (and allowed few before that). I just don't see why they are necessary. Kids can not be supervised once parents go to bed. I just don't see what good comes out of them.

14 is too young to be making dating decisions imo, however, forbiding it doesn't do any good. A good discussion is in order and if she can't do that with you then another trusted adult (or counselor) would be in order. I think there is a pressure to classify yourself as gay, straight, or bi these days.

Many teens whine and cry about not being able to do something, but when they come visit later as adults many will say "thank you. I had to whine to be cool, but in reality I didn't really want to do that".

Good luck. Hang in there.

Denise - posted on 01/11/2010

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I'd tighten the reins if I were you. I think 14 yrs old is too young to be in any dating relationship(16 years old seems more appropriate). 14yr olds do still have sleepovers so if you suspect her girlfriend of being "bi" then I would stop that completely. I would get her some counseling because she is confused. The girlfriend is controlling because she is a bully and she is bullying your daughter into probably a sexual relationship. Question your child about her feelings and see if you can get her to open up to you. I'm wishing the best for you and your child. This is a tough problem and I hope it all works out for you and your daughter.

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