My teenage daughter is pregnant

Laura - posted on 09/05/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

4

0

0

I recently found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. She hasnt told us anything about the father other than his first name and he just got out of jail. She quit college and her job about 6 months ago and became a stranger in our house. She became very beligerant and defiant as well as lazy and started to lack personal hygeine. She also started selling off her possessions and began stealing from my husband and I. When we confronted her about her lifestyle, she became enraged. My husband gave her a choice to either develop a plan for her life of leave. She chose to leave. That was four months ago. About a month ago, my husband got a random phone call from one of her ex boyfriends, claiming that she was pregnant, and it was not his. My daughter confirmed her pregnancy to me last month, stating that the baby is due at the end of January, and she needed her birth certificate to apply for Medicaid. She also asked me to pay her phone bill, again, and she would pay me back. That was over a month ago, and after not hearing a word from her, she called me in tears today saying she was stressed out and had no way to pay her phone bill. I feel awful not helping her, but I also feel like nothing more than a bill payer. This is very hard for me.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Alexandra - posted on 09/09/2012

581

24

1

I have not read other people's comments. If it were me, I would take your daughter back. With conditions. Your rules. And she must be cleaned and help you clean the house. Having a child is a big responsibility, and I am afraid the child, your grandchild, will be nothing but neglected. I could not bear that.

Yes, sometimes we will need to pay the bills, I am sure. But with talk and understanding, I am confident you can come up with some kidn of solution.

Congratulations on the grandbaby!

Raven - posted on 09/06/2012

5

0

0

Mary...I am shocked that you suggested her daughter put the baby up for adoption. I got pregnant when I was almost 19yrs old with my fiance..a couple of months into the pregnancy and a month before our wedding...he got scared and called things off. Although I had nowhere to go and no job...my adopted parents took me back home, and helped and guided me to get back on my feet. They suggested I terminate the pregnancy or give the baby up, but I refused and now she is about to turn 16 and I can't imagine my life without her and her three other siblings. I'm a single mother and although I have struggled and made tons of mistakes....my family has been there to help me get back on my feet...each time. Don't neglect your daughter...my guess is that she needs you and is acting out, because it's the only way she knows to get your attention. Good luck! By the way...she is an adult...not a teenager!

Mary - posted on 09/05/2012

38

0

5

This is such a difficult subject. I have found that we need to let our children, husband, parents, make their mistakes and let them pay the consequences. Do NOT pay her phone bill. She can go to the public library and find out medicaid info there. She shd. look for pregnancy crisis centers that will help her through her pregnancy and then put the child up for adoption. It sounds harsh, but look at your mistakes,.. we all made them. And the lesson was learned by the consequences, when they were kept natural.

There is so much that lead up to this, but each step was her decision to make, not yours. At 19 she is aware of what occurs to become pregnant. She must realize it and take steps to better herself physically so that the baby will be healthy. Get her connected to a support group for moms, she shouldn't rely on you to support her. She needs to understand quickly that she must work through the consequences.. and, after the birth of that baby, no matter how much the government lends a hand, she should do EVERYTHING in her power NOT to keep that government door open. She needs to work like HELL to better herself, AWAY from government so she can be strong, physically, mentally and spiritually. ... again, it's all her choice. So the sooner you allow her to make the choices, the better for all!

Diana - posted on 09/19/2012

11

0

3

Her phone is her lifeline at this point. She needs to come home and agree to be a productive member of your family. In otherwords, work, paid and unpaid. Unfortunately, she obviously doesn't know how to work and needs to be educated. Take her to the doctor, she may have ADD or something else happening to cause this behaviour.

Kristi - posted on 09/12/2012

1,355

3

78

Janey--



Your post is kind, thoughtful and inspiring. One can only hope that this situation could be resolved in such a way. However, it will take both people to make it work out so well. Being pregnant does not make you a mother anymore than being a sperm donor makes a man a father. If Laura's daughter is not willing to concede to the fact that she needs help and she needs to start making better choices, it won't make much of a difference despite whatever Laura attempts to do.



I think we all agree that the emotional support is key, but again, only if her daughter will accept it. Obviously, I can't say for certain what kind of a person her daughter is and I'm not here to judge. Based on this post, she sounds very much like my friend was and now how 2 of her daughters are. Realistically speaking, Laura's daughter will continue about her ways and will do whatever she needs to do to bleed Laura dry, emotionally and financially. They can talk the talk and shed the tears (at will) and manipulate everyone around them into doing just what that person wants. When I say "they," I am referring to men and women who are like Laura's daughter sounds.



Before we were friends, S used any and all means necessary to get what she wanted, including getting pregnant. She lied and stole. She was very good at playing on people's emotions and she used sex (from the way she dressed all the way to having it) as her weapon. (pardon the cliche) She neglected her children unless she needed them to play the guilt card or the sympathy card...please, it's for the kids. And in the end, she got what she wanted, which was anything from diapers to money for rent, electric bill, cigarettes and booze, etc. She lived off the system and milked the State for everything she could. If her mother had not been one of the lead investigaters for CPS, S would have had her children taken away on more than one (or 15) occassions. Eventually she got tired of always playing a part and she had a hard time keeping up with who she told what to. She was well into her late 20's-early 30's before she started acting in the best interests of her children. Somewhere along the way, she and I became friends.



She is the mother of my daughter's sisters and the first wife of my ex-husband. He is a vile, horrible person but he pulled the wool right over my eyes and finessed me out of everything I owned. He became abusive to all of us (2 of 3 of his daughters, me and "our" daughter). He alienated the four of us from our families and our friends and even convinced to me to quit my job. I was not a dumb person, I just got brainwashed by the best of the best and by the time I figured it out it was too late. I finally snuck enough money away and took all the girls away with me. By this point, S was doing better and had mostly turned herself around so I gave her her children and she ended up helping us all get deprogrammed and helped us regain some self esteem and confidence. He smoothly charmed the judge, the police and CPS into awarding him joint custody of my daughter. It was a nightmare up until last year and he put my daughter through unbelievable hell. She didn't realize that until I put her in counseling and the light clicked on. She basically had a nervous breakdown when she realized what he had been doing and how he made her hate me. It was the most heart breaking thing I'd ever seen. In any event, we finally got out alive last year.



Karma has proved to be a bitch as their (his and S's) oldest daughter fell in step. She is worse than he ever was. Much like Laura's daughter, she dropped out of school, was involved with the wrong people, and got pregnant. J stoled thousands of dollars from S's mom. She has and still is playing her other grandmother like a fiddle. She has fanagled 5 cars, 4 apartments/houses, top of the line everything,tens of thousands of dollars and bail on several occassions. She got pregnant the first time at 17, she lost her first child when she left her in a car to run from police. Her 2nd and 3rd children were taken at birth because doctors found traces of meth in their hair folicles. She is now pregnant for a 4th time at the ripe old age 24, oh and did I fail to mention she only knows who the father is for one of them. I won't bother with everything else she has done and who else she swindled except to say I believed in her one too many times before I said enough was enough. S was devastated time and again. Even though I had been encouraging her to put her foot down and cut J off, she couldn't and then she joined AA and has since quit enabling her daughter and giving in because "it was for the babies," J also sweet talked and cried her way into getting her kids back, for a time.



So call me paranoid, burned and pessimistic but I've dealt with people like Laura's daughter appears to be for way too many years to simply advise Laura to forgive and forget for the sake of the baby just to have her get sucked into a world like mine was and S's is. (still sort of) I'm not saying Laura's daughter is doing all these things or that she will do all these things, just that Laura needs to proceed with caution and she should keep her guard up.



In my heart of hearts I pray that things turn out the way you described them to be. Nothing would make me happier for all of them. But I have seen this, I have lived this and I do not want to see someone else go through this. As before, my prayers are with Laura and her family.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

29 Comments

View replies by

Kat - posted on 09/01/2013

16

0

4

I got so caught up in venting...I'm so sorry. Stop being the "bill payer." I agree totally with the person who said that she should get a pay-as-you-go phone. It's hard to be put in that situation...it's not fair of your daughter to put you in that position. There are resources that it sounds like she's taking advantage of. There are also programs to subsidize phones of low-income Americans. There was a lot of flack about "Obama giving free cellphones to welfare recipients," but the truth is it was started before he ever came into office...the government has subsidized phone service for low-income folks for years. It may be helpful for your daughter...and that can be your "contribution" to her phone bill.

Carmen - posted on 10/22/2012

33

0

2

Having been a teen parent, I have to tell you support is everything, however financial support may not be the best bet for your daughter. She sounds like she needs to really hit rock bottom first. She is at a time in her life when she needs your emotional support more than anything though. You can tell her the steps for getting back on her feet, however, giving her the money will not allow her to grow and figure out what to do when the going gets tough next time. I do have to say though, if she shows a change in behavior, allowing her to come back home or helping her with schooling isn't a bad thing to do. I will forever be grateful to my parents for paying my school tuition. It allowed me to pay for daycare so that I could attend classes full time. I am so sorry that you must deal with this as a parent. Remember that you have the ability to make or break her right now. Emotional support is key!



PS Buying her a gift card to a grocery store or even a bunch of groceries would help her out tremendously. Remember that she is growing your grandchild. It would give her some reprieve and allow her to pay her phone bill without you giving her money. Now, if she doesn't pay it, there is nothing else that you can or should do.

Angela - posted on 10/16/2012

2,429

9

321

Tell her to get a prepaid phone!! It's as simple as that - then you can always phone HER - even if she hasn't got the credit to phone YOU.



She'll grow up faster when you stop bailing her out!

Kelly - posted on 10/16/2012

5

0

1

Ok, so I have mixed feelings about this...

I was 19 when I got pregnant with my son, had dropped out of college (but was working 3 jobs), but was still completely unprepared for motherhood. My mother essentially told me to find a new place to live, and because my mother has never been a "warm, loving mother", really didn't care to spend time with her grandson, didn't worry about whether or not I had money to feed/clothe him, but still managed to criticize my parenting. I will say this--I am a survivor. I had to LEARN to survive on my own---the hard way. I was never an independent person and never will be that type of personality---but I CAN be, because I had to.

However, my mother and I are distant (mostly due to other matters), and I have no respect for her as a mother or grandmother. My now-husband's family is the complete opposite of mine, and they do everything together, spend time together, help each other out with anything and everything they can, and they also APPRECIATE each other.

I think there's a happy medium. My parents were divorced, my dad had thousands of dollars of medical bills monthly, and couldn't afford much. But he would come over every now and then and give me a couple hundred bucks and say, "Go buy a Christmas tree and Christmas presents" or he would come take my son and I out to breakfast or dinner. I never asked for money, and always appreciated it. Sometimes I was trying to figure out how I was going to eat (my child ALWAYS ate, he came first), and my dad taking me out was the unexpected answer.

I know this post is a lot about me, but I hope you see the impact you can have on her and her baby. She's not ready for it, but it's coming, and it's your grandchild. You don't have to support her financially. But you can go with her to apply for Medicaid, public assistance, WIC, and help her get into subsidized housing. (I paid $5/mo. rent when my son was first born 16 yrs ago). Talk to her about a life plan, but don't lecture. Know what you're willing to offer and what you're not (i.e. babysitting while she goes to school or 1x per month, etc.) Just remember that while you're disappointed in what she's done, she's terrified and completely unaware of how her life is going to change. She needs guidance/suggestions more than ever, and THAT doesn't cost you anything!!! Good luck!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 10/15/2012

11

2

1

I know this is going to come out wrong but my first thought is about drugs. The stealing and lack of personal hygiene and secretive lifestyle. Was this part of the problem? I also do not see how the phone is considered a necessary item at this point. I know it allows you to speak with her but it really is an item that should be afforded not considered life or death. Cell phones are never necessary, just useful. If she gets in real trouble, she can borrow a phone and call you. I am speaking from experience with my brother. He is an drinker and I have watched my parent pay for everything because he "needs" it. They have enabled him for 44 years and now he is a mess and in jail for not appearing in court again for DUI's. I do honestly believe he would have cleaned up in his 20's if they would have let him pay for some of his mistakes. His problems are always someones elses fault, he has never had to face growing up.



My heart has bleed for my parents over the years because this has truly hurt and baffled them. I feel so sorry for them, I did not mean to sound heartless, but they did bring a lot of this on because they are softhearted and can not stand to see us kids in trouble. As a parent I get it, but am always fighting the urge to make my kids life easier instead of teaching them to work for it.

Shay - posted on 10/08/2012

8

0

1

You have to teach her responsibility she should be worry about that baby instead of a phone bill she is going to be a Mom now your showing tuff lo.ve

Stephanie - posted on 09/30/2012

3

3

0

I was 14...



https://www.facebook.com/notes/stephanie-may/reading-in-between-the-lines/10151037742803230

Stephanie - posted on 09/30/2012

3

3

0

I was 14...



https://www.facebook.com/notes/stephanie-may/reading-in-between-the-lines/10151037742803230

Sandra De - posted on 09/25/2012

8

0

0

This is very difficult i understand. I gave my mother the same news 20 years ago but she stood by me and i never ill-treated her. You daughter needs to decide if she wants your complete support and not just your money. Sorry to say she is using you. She needs to grow up and realise that she is going to be giving life to a human being that never asked to be in this world but is in fact a gift from God. She will understand motherhood and unconditional love once the baby is there. It is sad though that she gave up her job etc. but hopefully she will change once baby is born. She needs to know that in order for you to help her and stand by her, she has to come home, respect you and your husband and obide by rules. Good Luck

Kim - posted on 09/19/2012

28

7

0

If she can't pay the phone bill perhaps she shouldnt have one that money should go towards the baby. 1st she needs a job 2nd quit paying her bills 3rd she made a grown up decision now its time to grow up. Once the job is established she's on her feet got a place then she can have a phone until then its not a neccessity! Heard it on Dr Phil yesterday.. she will never have confidence in herself to know she's capable of handling things on her own if mom don't allow her to experience those things and deal with it on her own. In this case adoption would be the most selfless thing your daughter could do in her situation. I would definately push for it.

Susan - posted on 09/18/2012

19

0

0

I agree if you keep helping her, she will not learn to standing on her own two feet. I'd ask her what her plans were for the baby since a baby is gonna cost alot more than a phone bill. Push adoption,( but in a very positive way) she can have anyother child when she meet someone she reallt loves, and is on her feet again

Stay-Zee - posted on 09/16/2012

5

0

0

at least ur coping better than my mum did i came home when i was 15 pregnant and i didnt even no who the dad was she kicked me ot of the house and that was the last time i saw her im now 33 and destynee (my daughter) is now 18 and pregnant so u hav delt with this really well

Stay-Zee - posted on 09/16/2012

5

0

0

at least ur coping better than my mum did i came home when i was 15 pregnant and i didnt even no who the dad was she kicked me ot of the house and that was the last time i saw her im now 33 and destynee (my daughter) is now 18 and pregnant so u hav delt with this really well

Laura - posted on 09/13/2012

4

0

0

Thank you for all your responses. You have all given me your honest thoughts and given me some new perspective and it helps to know that I am not alone in this situation. I have struggled with my daughter (Brittany) since she was 14. She will be 20 next month. She is the youngest of my 3 children. My oldest daughter is 29 and a successful restaurant manager and chef. She became a mom two months ago and being with her during her labor and delivery was so amazing. Holding my grand daughter made me realize what a strong and beautiful woman my oldest daughter is. My son is 27 and he is my best friend. He is a successful paralegal with a major firm and he owns a very prestigous interiior design and decorating business. He only wants the best for me and because of that it is very hard for him to sympathize with his younger sister because he sees how much she has hurt me.



For the past four years until she turned 18, i have had Brittany in therapy and family counseling with myself and my husband. She did remain in therapy for awhile when she turned 18 but excluded me from her sessions. That wasnt a problem but when she decided to abruptly end her treatment I became concerned and things have been on a downward spiral ever since. It became a series of eratic behavior that led up to the present situation. I have not seen her for over 2 months. She is very secretive about her life. She calls me once a month when her phone bill is due. I paid it again because I dont want her to be without communication

Janey - posted on 09/12/2012

38

0

3

First, though it may seem out of place in such a challenging situation, I want to say for the record that this is your precious grandchild no matter the circumstances. I do see how adoption could be an option, but that would of course be your daughter's choice and something she should not be pressured into, She is a mother now, a frightened mother no doubt, and she needs your love and support regardless of her immature teenager behavior. She is at the most vulnerable spot in her life since she herself was a baby, and that baby needs you to be supportive of her right now. She is simply not mature enought to make all the right decisions and survive well without your patient and forgiving support. She is, like you and all of us, a mother now.



Second, I would recommend you pay her phone bill. That phone is her lifeline to you, and it will help her tremendously with the practical things she must do. Don't cripple her by cutting it off. It might not technically be your obligation, but I feel it's best in the long run to keep her connected and capable.



Third, she will see and is seeing how she needs you, and I would let that be the way you draw her back into the family without lording it over her. Treat her like a fellow mother, like an adult even though she won't always act like it. Give her an opportunity to be that adult without having to pay for the mistakes she made in her behavior toward you. There will be plenty of time later to sit down with her when she's not scared and defensive and mention that you were so worried and frightened for her and so hurt and even angry when she did what she did. But, right now, she needs respect, support, and love. Now is not the time to beat her over the head with it. She knows she's in a difficult situation that she put herself in.



Help her get work, help her get the assistance she needs, the medical care, the prenatal guidance, the clothing, etc. Though it may be second hand and humbling, help her get it. She needs it and her baby needs her to be unstressed as much as possible. The message should be, "We are the mother and grandmother of a precious baby, so let's work together to take care of that baby and each other." She needs you and her dad to defend her. She is still part child and yet she is part adult.



While others may disagree, hating on her right now and turning your back to her will only hurt your grandchild. I know it may seem sensible to push adoption, but doing that may result in her making a decision she regrets and resents you for forever. Also, she may be LESS likely to choose it if it's YOUR choice and not hers. I would proceed simply focused on working together for the child and ASK her what she would like to see happen and how you can help. She may mention money, and you can explain that your funds do have limits. Then tell her what you are willing to do and ask her if she would like your help getting through the pregnancy and starting out with the baby. You also can lightly say, "If you choose to raise your child or to adopt him out, I will support you." It has to be her choice alone.



Let's face it, we all need forgiveness and understanding at times when we don't deserve it. Yet, we can be hesitant to give it to others. This is a time when she needs it and the baby needs it and I think you probably need to give it to begin your healing. You need to be able to enjoy being a grandma. It's not your job to be angry and punish your daughter. If you choose not to, it's not going to make her behave worse. It's going to make her feel safer coming to you.



You may want to tell her gently that you can help her the most if she lives in your house with you and that you will treat her as an adult while you know she will also pitch in as an adult and not make it too hard for you. You can point out that someday her baby will be a teenager too so she should act toward you the way she wants her baby to act toward her.



Be gentle in what you say, and I think her defenses will soften if she believes you and trusts you not to bash her for her condition. This can be a new start to her life and yours as a family.

Sally - posted on 09/09/2012

46

15

0

well i really wouldn;t know what to say to that but i will try, when i was her age i had got pregnant, i was out of school for 3 years ,but i was living at home with my parents, i would like to say that her priorities will change, my oldest daughter got pregnant @ 16, she is now 20 her daughter is now 4 they are doing well, at first she didnt have her priorities straight at all,she wound up going to a differant school ( and still hasnt graduated ) i thought she would never get things straight but it happened she is trying to get her GED & her diploma ( whichever she can get right now)she has her own place too. it is going to take some time for your daughter to get things straight, but as for paying her phone bill, you are just better off NOT paying it, she needs to really understand that the world is not all about her besides she has done some unspeakable things to you , your husband & herself, get her some help she really needs it even if she doesnt want it, she may be of age... but now there is someone else to worry aboutif you have to get the law involved do it for her sake & the unborn child before it is too late ,but you should really let her know that even with all the mistakes she has made you both still love & care about her & always will,do not let this get out of hand more than it already is, good luck :)

Kristi - posted on 09/09/2012

1,355

3

78

Raven--



I wasn't twisting your words. The OP was speaking about paying her daughter's bills. I took that into account when reading everyone's posts, not just yours. I didn't know you were referring to emotional support. However, I believe I mentioned that if Laura's daughter made a sincere request for help, she'd probably get it. I didn't specify that I meant emotionally, I maybe should have.



Also, I don't know if you were referring to me when you said you were glad I got things worked out and that you couldn't imagine getting pregnant at such an irresponsible age. Just for clarification, I was not pregnant until I was 24 and we were also engaged, however he was abusive to me so things didn't work out. I didn't mention very much about my life that would indicate what it was like one way or the other so I don't know what you are trying to suggest, again, that is if the majority of your comment is directed at me.



Either way, this is irrelevant to Laura's plight. I do hope things have improved, at least a little since you (Laura) originally posted this. Continued thoughts and prayers for a positive solution for everyone.

Raven - posted on 09/07/2012

5

0

0

Kristi C.,

I don't think you understood my comment and you needn't twist my words. I said she needed support from her parents mentally...neglecting her is not going to help...it will just make things worse! I'm glad you were able to put your life together....I can't imagine getting pregnant at such an irresponsible age. I was a legal adult and engaged to the love of my life, and trying to get pregnant....we wanted to be young parents, but plans changed. It can happen in any situation. I just think she should try to reach out emotionally to her daughter and try to help get her some support. Laura I wish you luck.

Tracy - posted on 09/07/2012

207

5

2

I wouldn't pay the bill. The baby is coming and if she can't handle a PHONE bill, how will she handle everything else? Have you tried talking to he about the upcoming baby? Personally, if she called for me to pay the phone bill - AGAIN - without having repaid what she promised, I would TRY to have a discussion with her about the baby and maybe you could give the baby a good home if she is interested. (again, that is what *I* would do, not saying you necessarily should offer). Maybe see if she is willing to come back home for "help with the baby". At least you know in that case that he/she is fed and clothed and not neglected or mistreated.

Kristi - posted on 09/07/2012

1,355

3

78

Raven--



I don't think Mary is suggesting Laura neglect her daughter. (nor was I) Laura does not have to subject herself to her daughter's life-style nor does she need to finance it. You're right, she is an adult, or at least a girl who thinks she is. Grown up actions come with grown up consequences. Her daughter chose to drop out of school. She chose to quit her job. She became disrespectful and she stole from her own parents. She chose to pawn all her belongings. Explain to me how it is wrong or neglectful for her parents (or any parents) to expect more from a child, to ask that their child(ren) follow reasonable rules of their home. Should parents just give their children free reign to behave however they want without fear of consequences? Talk about setting them up to fail. It sounds to me that if Laura's daughter made a sincere and honest request for help then she would get it. Just because Laura doesn't allow herself to be manipulated into an ATM does not make her neglectful.



Moms and dads are not responsible or required to suffer their children's consequences for them. No book or family counselor has ever suggested enabling this type of behavior is a positive way to support and love your child. (at least none that I have read nor the counselors I've talked to.) As her parents, or any other parent in similar situations, they suffer enough from the sidelines. Wondering "what if" or "where did I/we go wrong," "maybe if I'd been a stay at home mom," "I should have let her dye her hair purple," etc. and so on and so forth. Sometimes, one will blame the other and then the marriage goes south, as well. Nobody goes unscathed in these situations.



Parents with troubled children, whether they are 14 or 41, will always worry and second guess. Many times children who start off on the wrong foot are able to start over with the right one. Generally, those that do, have had to accept responsibilty for their actions and have gone on to earn back some trust and respect. They choose to make amends and choose to make better decisions, to follow the rules and to do the right thing. Those children, 14-41, usually have parents who have shown and taught them what is appropriate and acceptable behavior. They have provided all the tools they can, to the best of their ability, to afford their children a successful and happy life. (successful can be anything from working at Mickey D's to becoming a doctor, as long as their children are healthy and happy is all that matters) The parents who continually make excuses and cover the losses and contribute to their child(ren)'s poor behavior will almost always seal their children's fate into a messed up, painful, criminal and lousy life. There is no incentive to change or to strive for better, so why bother.



I'm glad you have a supportive family and that you enjoy and love your children. This is going to sound harsh and judgemental but I'm not judging, I'm the f*** up queen of America and I speak this for myself. But, don't you want better for your daughter than to be pregnant, homeless, and unemployed when she is 18 or 41? I mean, wouldn't it be more beneficial to help her and guide her now in hopes that she doesn't need help getting back on her feet? I know I absolutely want my daughter to make better decisions and have an easier life than I did. If she does go astray, I hope I have the strength and courage that Laura has.



Blessings to you and your children! ; )

Bekah - posted on 09/06/2012

106

40

14

I am so sorry you are going through this! (HUGS)

There is a chance there are things going on mentally with your daughter that she cannot control.

I was similar to your daughter when I was 14 .... I became abusive and mean and belligerent and then became pregnant.

Things change when you have a baby you have to care for. It really changed my perspective on life. I graduated high school early and went to college. I am now 31, an EMT with 4 kids and doing pretty well.

There is a fine line between being supportive and enabling. It may be helpful if you had and she both had a therapist but only you can control what you do so it may be a start if you were to have one.

Having that baby may change her behavior. I pray that she does and that in the meantime she is able to find the help that she needs both mentally and financially.

Mary - posted on 09/06/2012

38

0

5

Kristi, BEEEUtifully recapped and reminder that because you, Laura, are reaching out for suggestions, she is lucky to have you as a Mom and, for that, will be better off as she finds her place in this very confusing but beautiful journey called LIFE! I'll pray for your daughter to be open to the signs of strength shown to her!

Kristi - posted on 09/06/2012

1,355

3

78

I agree with Mary. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. You are doing her a favor by not enabling her. It may suck and it may not seem like it but in the long run you are doing the best thing for her.



I've struggled pretty much my entire adult life. Emotionally, financially, and mentally. My parents were in the position to help me. However, if they felt I was making bad choices they would not help me, at least not financially. My mom has always been by my side (as much as you can be from 1500 miles away) through thick and thin, emotionally. However, if I was working and doing the best I could for myself but still fell short, they would help me out.



You can encourage her and point her in the right direction but ultimately, she has to make a decision and she will either suffer or reap from the consequences. Sometimes we learn from our mistakes the first time around and sometimes we don't. It's not easy at all watching your child suffer. The first thing we want to do as mothers is fly in and rescue our babies. In some cases that is called for. I think you are doing the right thing and I will pray for strength, peace, and good health for you and your daughter along with your coming grandchild. Continue using logic to make your decisions and things will work themselves out.



Just to maybe give you some hope...my daughter's older sister (from her dad) was a wild child. She was drinking and partying and having sex by the time she was 14. She was doing lousy in school. She ended up pregnant at 15. She had her son and slowly but surely starting turning her life around. She had another baby at 17. (shaking my head) But, she maintained the progress she was making. She earned her GED and started taking classes in an accelerated program so she could start working asap. Then her daughter got quite sick and was in and out of the hospital so she had quit college. She is a single mother and it is tough for her but she found a job at K-Mart and got help from various family members and friends as baby sitters. She finally found a nice apartment, in a safe neighborhood where the rent was based on your income. She's worked hard, taken the OT offered, didn't call in sick and then she got a promotion and is making $2/hr more than she was and they also gave her a set schedule of M-F 8-4:30. Her kids are in daycare and on a normal schedule. She is paying her own rent, phone and utility bills. Overall, she is a good mother and is doing what it takes to provide for her little family. This is the modified version, her childhood was not good, to say the least...so far she is beating the odds. With a mother like you, your daughter's chances are even better.

Mary - posted on 09/05/2012

38

0

5

Continuation of previous post from Mary.

IF your daughter wants to learn of a work at home position, please contact me as I work with a company that specializes in helping moms work from home. Indicate the subject: work at home position and send the inquiry to: marydplus4@aol.com . I can share the information with her, and again, it's her choice. I'll keep you in my prayers!

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms