My teenage daughter was ousted by her friends

Jane - posted on 01/03/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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In my daughter's freshman year in high school, she was part of a large clique of girls and had a wonderful time, sleepovers, dances, parties, etc. We had just moved to town 2 years previously and she was happy to finally be part of a big group of friends. At the end of the year, she was ousted...as her "best friend" explained to her..she was "full of herself". I can see her point in that my daughter was receiving alot of attention from boys and was on the state-winning varsity dance team as a freshman and possibly didn't handle it very well. Also, she's borderline ADD and I feel she is slightly more immature than these girls. She spent the entire summer alone and has not had much success being accepted into other groups so far her sophomore year. She's really a sweet, good girl and needs another chance (with other girls!). It's heartbreaking as a mom to watch this. I feel it's a growing experience for her, but it's a small, private school and watching your child being rejected is so hard. She says she wants to handle it on her own and doesn't seem depressed, but I think she's socially anxious now as she won't go to dances, games, etc. I just want her to have a good HS experience. I can hardly stand to go to the school and volunteer or pick her up. Any advice or experience with this would be greatly appreciated!!!

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Angie - posted on 01/11/2011

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She's a big girl, Mom. If she says she wants to handle it herself and isn't depressed. let her do that. Not every child needs the dances and games to feel happy in high school. If it's too difficult for you to go to the school, then stop doing it until you can tolerate your daughter's new position at school. She's going to be fine, just step back and let her deal with this herself. Now, with all that said, let me add that my 17 year old son was just dumped by the town tramp (thank God) but the way she did it makes me want to scratch her eyes out. I see that he is okay with it so I don't say anything to him about it, I just vent with my husband - LOL. Good luck.....

Rebecca - posted on 01/09/2011

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Small schools, especially private ones are the worst for this. If there is a larger public school, consider that. It would be helpful for her to learn how to handle herself in a group of girls. A good therapist could help here. She needs some practical skills. It is tough for you. Be sympathetic but level headed and help her know that there is life beyond this year and beyond high school. If you can, help her learn to be confident but sensitive to how she is with others.My daughter went to a private girls school and had some tough times, but she ultimately found a good group of girlfriends in the 11th and 12th grades.During times that weren't so great at school, she hung around with neighborhood kids. A church group sounds like a good idea. Whatever hobby or sport she is good at is a good place to spend time. Again, my experience is that private schools are tough socially. My daughter didn't change schools and worked it out, but the public school was easier socially.

Shawnn - posted on 01/03/2011

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Again, Jane, I wish you the best! I know it's agonizing, and you want to do SOMETHING!!! But, you did say it best. Girls at this age so desperately want to be mature, but are lacking. She'll get things straightened out, and she will NEVER forget to watch her tongue again...I know this, because my experience was similar. I'll be praying for you and your daughter!

Jane - posted on 01/03/2011

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Thanks Shawnn- your advice is is very helpful. I know I need to let her handle this on her own terms...it's just so heartbreaking to watch! And I guess I'm also amazed at how these girls treat each other..there's no second chances or discussing it. I guess these girls are just not mature enough for that yet, though they think they're "mature" in so many other ways. Thanks again!

Shawnn - posted on 01/03/2011

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Well, I feel for your daughter. Having been that kid, I understand. However, you can't really do a lot. She wants and needs to handle this herself. You can give advise, but otherwise, unless you want to brand her "the girl who's mommy makes everyone play with her", you need to let her do this. I alienated my entire peer group in middle school, and it was due to one stupid little comment I made. I know this sounds harsh, but at that age, kids ARE full of themselves! One suggestion would be to have the kids on her dance team over for gatherings, etc. Also, church/youthgroup activities are a good start. But, ultimately, she will have to be the one to put herself forward. Perhaps she feels anxious because of what has transpired, but if that is the case, then she still needs to analyze what was said, and how she could have expressed herself differently. Also, if she's borderline ADD, this will be something she will need to be aware of for the rest of her life, so she doesn't get what my mom used to refer to as "foot in mouth disease". Being a teen is not easy, and teen girls have it the worst, as women in general tend to have the "me first" attitude...And, yes I am a woman! Best of luck! If your daughter says she wants to handle it, you need to let her