My teenage sons being very strange latley

Pauline - posted on 09/12/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

7

0

0

He's just turned 16, he normally does very well in school but lately his grades have dropped really badly, he's falling asleep in class, he doesn't come home when he's suppose to. He wont talk to me or his father. Im at a loss what to do with invading his person space. Nothing seems to work. I take away his phone, he sneaks out, I ground him, he sneaks out. Someone help a mommy in distress? I just can't imagine whats up with him, it's very strange

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Bobbie - posted on 09/13/2012

500

9

169

It sounds like you are taking all the correct measures however more intervention is required since he is continuing to do as he pleases. Usually this is a sign that he has found something so much fun or life altering to him that it is more important than getting grounded or getting his phone taken away. It is important enough to him that he will sneak out as well.

First of all don't stress just yet as to what he is up to. It could be something as simple as new girl that is just driving his hormones crazy or a set of new friends. Warning~if it is new friends remember only he and he alone is responsible for his own actions. Don't put that at the feet of others. Make him own it.

So, to stop it now, regardless of the reasons, the focus should be on correcting the rule breaking and establishing ground rules to consequences. Consequences that get his attention and show him that there is no alternative but to go back to doing well in school and not sneaking out.

To address his behavior and not invade his personal space I have listed some tried and true consequences

FALLING ASLEEP IN SCHOOL

~Hand write a letter to every one of his current teachers. I made a copies of the same letter with all the teachers name on it and highlighted the name I was submitting it to. This told his teachers that all of them had received the same information. State in it that you realize that your son is struggling to stay awake in class. Request that they alert you every time he falls asleep. That you wish to address it on a class to class to class and day to day basis as it occurs. Show him a copy of the letter, after you have already taken the it yourself to school. Then after he reads it tell him what the consequence will be for each report of him falling to sleep. My suggestion? If you fall to sleep in class you will spend that entire evening without a phone,internet or friends stopping by or going out. (if he has responsibities such as work or sports practice state that you will drive him to it and pick him up immediately afterward. You will not be allow to go to your bedroom, and will not be permitted to lay down anywhere to doze or relax. You will spend the full evening in the constant presences of family.

Letting him know exactly what the consequences to his actions are and STICKING TO THEM, will make him own his own behaviors. Also let him know that if he falls to sleep again after the first punishment it will increase in severity. That you will add a weekend day of getting up early and doing chores all day without the phone, internet or leaving the house. THE SAME PUNISHMENT FOR A REPEAT OFFENSE IS NEVER EFFECTIVE IT MUST BE TAKEN TO A HIGHER LEVEL FOR EACH OFFENSE UNTIL THE BEHAVIOR STOPS. T



The big issue for boys that age is car privileges or delays in getting their permit. DON'T SET PUNISHMENTS THAT YOU CAN'T KEEP / DON'T PUT INTO PLACE PUNISHMENTS THAT CAUSE YOU EXTRA WORK EITHER!! By telling him ahead of time it keeps YOU IN CONTROL AND CALM AS YOU HAND OUT HIS SET CONSEQUENCE rather than being emotionally charged and upset. That is when we spout off things in anger that hurt the relationship and can cause hurtful feeling or cause us to spout off a punishment that both you and he know you won't keep. Also, THE KID GETS THE MESSAGE THAT YOU ARE PUNISHING HIM BECAUSE YOU ARE MAD, NOT BECAUSE OF HIS BEHAVIOR. They start to manipulate you to not be so angry with them when they break the rules so that you will be less strict with the consequence. It also causes you feelings of guilt for yelling, which they love to hear because it gives them ammo against you to get off of punishment early.

SNEAKING OUT

~ Tell him that the next time he sneaks out or you even believe was attempting to sneak out that he will make a bed on the floor in your bedroom and sleep there. That he will loose all privileges to use his bedroom to sleep the following night. That if he sneaks out a second time after this punishment it will go to not only sleeping on the floor in your room but being grounded for a full week, while he sleeps in your room. Does all his activities in the family room and not permitted to go into his room without you for any reason. That he will also detail the cars inside and out, sweep out the garage and do other chores to keep him busy while he has access to his bedroom. If he wants to crash and take a nap it will be on your bedroom floor without a tv, phone, internet or games.

My friends said why not get a deadbolt, to which I said, my objective is to make it uncomfortable for him to face consequences of his own actions, not treat him like he can't control himself and needs locks. Get it?

Other things that teens hate to do is new things. Bring down a load of clean laundry and set the iron to the correct setting and make him iron. Don't show him how, just tell him to get the wrinkles out and walk away. Don't let him whine, apologize or talk to you about excuses. When he tries these things shut him down and say, "what I want to hear from you is what you have been up to that is so important to you that you can't stay home at night" To force the issue of reasons for his behavior rather than listening to whining you are again making him face his own actions AND you are doing it without invading his personal space.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

8 Comments

View replies by

Sharon - posted on 09/13/2012

1

13

0

My son did the same thing a few years ago, and it was drugs. Trust your gut!!! He was a great kid until then, and he is again now that he is sober. But we as parents are blind to the obvious until it smacks us in the face. The lies, the excuses, and making you feel guilty for doubting them. TRUST YOUR GUT!

Denise - posted on 09/13/2012

2

15

0

I just read your note. We all have an inner warning that should never be ignored. What a great way to establish boundaries when there is nothing serious going on. Good to lay the rules down now.

Denise - posted on 09/13/2012

2

15

0

This is the only time I would say - INVADE HIS SPACE. Hopefully nothing serious is going on, but if it is you want to know now. My son had a huge change take place when he started experimenting with drugs. I wish I would have been even more diligent. Once the creative stories and lies start it is harder for them to come clean and for you to turn things around. I pray this is not what is going on. You know when your son is most receptive to talk, take advantage of whatever that time is - driving in the car, late at night, etc...if he doesn't talk bring up the subject in a creative way so maybe the conversation can be led in the right direction. I hope all is well.

Jodee - posted on 09/13/2012

23

25

0

Wow, Bobbie has a great idea! I wish I had known you a few years ago when I was having similar problems with my daughter! Unfortunately for me, it actually was her making really bad choices and getting involved with a really bad crowd. I pray your situation is different then mine was!

Ail - posted on 09/13/2012

47

18

12

Wow, I never thought of the note idea. I think it's great to get the teachers involved with figuring this out! I will file it away and hope I never need it. I wish Pauline the best with this stressful situation!

Pauline - posted on 09/13/2012

7

0

0

Thank you ever so much, He didn't come home last night so as soon as he is home I will be setting this in place firmly.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms