my teenaged daugher lies constantly

Lisa - posted on 07/04/2012

Yeah I go thru the guilt everyday of what did I do wrong I always try to teach my kids manners and I always tell them they can talk to me about anything and I won't get mad but she just. Ignores me half the time and she treats me like crap at times and its okay for her to do but oh if I hurt her feeling it's the end of the world and I'm so mean and she says I don't Love her it's worse when she is fighting with my boyfriend like I said before I don't want to loose either of them bit there are days I don't know how he puts up with so much he told me that if he was going to leave he would have done it along time ago and no matter what she tries he's not going anywhere when I found out she was going to kill her self I told her I can't stop her but not to do it in the house and the dr she talked to said she was thinking about killing her self but she didnt have a plan so really she is all talk and that if she was going to kill her self then she would just do it and not tell anyone most of its just for attention but I found that I just ignored it and she as far as I know has stopped as I said she doesn't talk to me unless it about what's going on right now like with stuff at work so I take what I can
And sometimes she is nice to me and my BF but the first te we tell her no she throws a temper tantrum like a two year old so at this point I want to give up she feels like a bad roommate half the time

Hang in there I've been told it gets better from friends who have been where we are right now

Mom Of - posted on 07/04/2012

Hi Lisa,

Thank you so much for your comments...I greatly appreciate hearing from parents who are experiencing similar issues. After reading your post, one thing that really stuck with me is when you said"I can't be a helicopter parent, as, I have my own life and can't be fully engrossed in hers all the time or I would go mad trying, I have to work .." I completely understand that as parents, we do our very best to raise our children with morals, invest all the time and effort, but in the end, it's their life, so do we do have to suffer until they actually figure it out? We try so hard to steer our kids onto the right path, but what if they resist all the way? My daughter is only 12, so I'm afraid what the future will bring. Surprisingly, my daughter has already said to me" I hate my life and I want to kill myself" It's so scary hearing that from your kid. Do you pass it off thinking they're having a bad day and just want to make you feel guilty or do you take it serious? I know you mentioned your daughter threatened her life too. How did that make you feel? I told my daughter that she has everything! She lives a very comfortable lifestyle, so what the hell is wrong? What about all those children in the world who are really suffering? So, I think our kids are really spoiled thinking that they are hard done by and put the guilt to us. I always remind my kids that my life wasn't "peachy-cream". I worked so hard from the time I was 11 years old and had absolutely nothing (no Ipod, no computer, no fancy-dancy clothes, no 52" screen TV and certainly no access to money whenever I needed). Anyway, I stopped the spoiling and raised the expectations for both my daughters. My eldest (16-year old)seems to "get it", but my youngest (the lyer - who seems to have a constant attitude and crosses her arms all the time (what's with that anyway?) doesn't. Anyway, I hope your 17 year old daughter soon realizes how lucky she is to have a mom who cares!

Lisa - posted on 07/04/2012

My Oldest Daughter who is now 17 almost 18 has been ling since she was in Elementary School, most of the time I can catch her in her lies sometimes I know she is ling but even if I confronted her about it she would just add more lies on top of the ones she has already told me, so I'm at my wits end as to what to do with her, she has told me she tried to kill herself, she was cutting herself, she got caught stealing,that she use to lie about who she was hanging out with, she told me she lies because it's easier at the time then telling the truth, and the thing is even if I catch her in a lie,she will just lie more, even if I tell her I know she is ling she will still lie, sometimes she will come out later and tell me she lied, I talk to her about why she lied and have never gotten mad at her and she doesn't get punished anymore for the lies as she will do what she wants anyways, I can't be a helicopter parent, as, I have my own life and can't be fully engrossed in hers all the time or I would go mad trying, I have to work but it takes my boyfriend and I both to support the household, we have put her in a group home for a week, she got better for about a month after coming home, but she slowly returned back to her old ways she was suppose to graduate this year from high school and she didn't she has to return next year to finish the classes she failed,she either sleeps all the time or she will sometimes go to work, but half the time she is late when she does make it, her and my boyfriend only get along half of the time I'm constantly stuck in the middle of both of them and their fighting I don't want to get rid of either of them but I feel like some days I would rather just walk away and throw my hands up to both of them and tell them to duke it out and leave me out of it and yes they are both fully aware that I'm in the middle and that it hurts me a lot when they both act like children,I have anxiety over all of this, and I'm feeling totally torn apart by both of them, and I my youngest daughter (11) who only is at my house every other week and then with her Dad for a week, gets stuck in the middle too because I think she would really have more or a relationship with my boyfriend, who has been in her life for almost 3 years now if it weren't for her sister, and plus it's been double hard because she like my boyfriend, and she Loves me, and she Love her Dad she says she is okay with it but I think she has mixed feelings on the whole thing she once told me watching what her sister does has made her not want to be that way she is my good child she goes to school, and if she has to be out sick from school is asking if she can go to school even if she's not 100% better, she doesn't lie as far as I can tell,with my oldest I have found with my oldest the harder I push the worse she gets, I have all sorts of guilt a lot of the time that I must be a bad parent, I must have done something wrong somewhere in her up bringing, or maybe she just plain hates me, what ever it is I'm sure it's my fault as a parents somehow, Even thru all of this I Love My Children very much I just wish I knew what to do I've never had an 17 year old before I'm new to all of this so I'm learning as I go, I'm definitely not a perfect parent and never will be I wish you luck in figurging out what is going on with your child I am not one to give advise much more that Love them all you can and hang on cuse the ride could get way more bumpier before it gets better, I have been told by people that usually this stuff passes by the time kids are in the 20's Good Luck

Mom Of - posted on 06/28/2012

Thanks Amanda!

Amanda - posted on 06/27/2012

If her middle school does not have a counselor, the district should have one. Often the counselors (at least here in Arizona) also pose as the registrar type, ie they help students determine what classes they need and why. If you think it will help, ask around.

My concern is that something has happened-bullying, a new school, trouble with an adult, there are many things it could be, so it's encouraging your daughter to choose friends who she knows aren't good for her because she is acting out. Anyway... my best to both of you ladies.

Mom Of - posted on 06/27/2012

Hi Kay,

Sorry to hear that you're having trouble with your daughter too. I hear ya sister! My daughter is only 12! If she keeps on this path, I can only wait in horror what it will be like when she's 16:(
I have another daughter who is 16 too, but luckily, she is every parent's dream child. Works hard in school and already planning ahead for univeristy, teaches violin part-time and is on the high school cheer squad. I'm shaking my head wondering what happened to my youngest daughter who is, like your daughter, very intelligent and doesn't seem to care about school. My 12 year-old daughter can lie so good, she'd probably pass a lie detector test with flying colours! She was also gift-tested and has a memory processing speed of 99% and in the top 10 percentile of her peers.

Perhaps highly intelligent children pose more challenges. Because they're so clever, they try and see if they can out-smart us. Maybe they find school boring because it isn't challenging enough? I don't know the answers! One thing I do find that helps is to keep the kids busy with positive extra-curricular activities (sports, dance, music, art, or something they enjoy). Not only will it keep her busy, but she might meet new friends who have a positive impact in her life.
I agree, that counselling wouldn't probably work especially if the child doesn't see their behaviour as a problem. Does your daughter have a cousin or family friend around her age that could act as a role model and try to talk to her? Sometimes kids listen to other kids because us old folks are "clueless" and "don't understand". Not sure what to say, other than to keep raising the bar of expectations and hopefully the light will turn on eventually.

Kay - posted on 06/27/2012

Oh my! I am going through this with my 16 year old and is why i joined this site today. I keep grounding her and taking away everything she cherishes and making her do everyone's chores and it works, but only for about 2 weeks then she's at it again! She says she would rather go out and have fun and take the consequences. This makes my blood boil! As far as friends go, i don't like to blame the friends because as i see it, my child has a brain but is choosing not to use it. I keep explaining that they are not her friends if they encourage her to get into trouble by asking her to do things they know will get her into trouble. She is a very intelligent girl, but her grades declined drastically this year and lost 2 jobs due to skipping.

Will counseling really work if the child doesn't think anything is wrong and won't talk to anyone? I hate the feeling having to follow her every move but I'm more afraid of her getting in trouble or ending up hurt because she is out until late at night in a big city!

Mom Of - posted on 06/25/2012

Hi Amanda,

Thanks for your response.

She was doing good before 7th grade. She's actually very intelligent, but hasn't put in effort in school work this year. She's been hanging around a girl this year that I really don't approve. Although I make it my business to know who my kid's friends are as well as their parents, my daughter doesn't talk too much about her friends. She's a bit of a loner. I know some of the kids she talks about, but I also know their parents who are strict so there are no "after-school" get-togethers. However, this new friend seems to be allowed to hang around the streets and do whatever. I've allowed her to come for dinner and study with my daughter on a few occasions to try and get to know her, but I haven't met the parents. The parents don't drop her or pick her up. I did allow my daughter to attend a birthday party at her house, hoping to meet the parents, but they wouldn't come to the door. My first impression of liquor bottles scattered around the front porch raised some warning flags to the point I won't allow my daughter to go there any more. I can't really blame this new girl for my daughter's lying and disrespectful attitude, because I don't know this kid that well. As for counselling, her school doesn't offer such a service. That would have to be arranged privately. If the lying keeps up, I'll have to get her some counselling. Thanks for your feedback.

Mom Of - posted on 06/25/2012

You know I do appreciate that you took the time to respond, but slightly offended by your unfounded accusatory question. Did you read this in the Child Psychology for Dummies book? To answer your question...no, we don't beat our children! You know, when a child exhibits unfavourable behaviour, it's not always the parents fault!

Sj - posted on 06/25/2012

Have you ever spanked her or has your husband?

Amanda - posted on 06/24/2012

How was she doing in school before seventh grade? How long has this behavior been going on? Does she have a new group of friends? Do you know if she's been to see the counselor at her school?