Need advice~daughter has severe drug problem :(

Kimberly - posted on 11/14/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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My teen daughter has a severe drug & alcohol problem. Right now she is rehab for the 2nd time. She overdosed in March coming w/in 2 hours of death. We attend NA meetings. But she has been relapsing the past couple months. Recently she was raped. She leaves the house in the middle of the nite and I'm constantly having to look for her. I'm exhausted frm lack of sleep and my nerves are shot. I realize that she has to want to quite. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm terrified that eventually I may not find her in time before the next trajedy. Any advice on how to help her? She is even in intensive counseling. The pain of watching her suffer these addictions is unbearble. Her brother is distraught as well. I fear when the weekends approach because the chase begins. I am constantly having to do room raids. It's just become too much to handle alone as a single parent. Has anyone else gone thru this?

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Hélène - posted on 11/17/2009

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Hi,

oh my god! déja vue! I have been throught this before, although she did not try to commit suicide she did all the other stuff! She was dealt with child care, but I really don't recommend this! You do not have anyone to help you out at all?

Is there anywhere she can go? You need to place her somewhere else than your home, I know this seems really mean but if you don't you will end up in a depression!

You need to think of yourself know and the one of your son, she does not want to help herself, you cannot force someone who does not want help, boy did I ever learn that one! This is really hard, the raids in their rooms, the purses always checking them out making sure there straight never ending story. I use to sleep in the living room to make sure she didn't run away?

what a life!

hope this helps!

JO - posted on 11/17/2009

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Tough spot your in!... I've been there... in your daughters boots, I mean. She may not realize what has her so upset within. has she gone to counseling for her rape? Have you tried a change of scenery.. take her out of town away from little reminders?..I found working with horses really helped me, they seem to have an energy to them that heals.. or an animal shelter? help those that have suffered at others hands as well might help. Good Luck!

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Dawn - posted on 11/25/2009

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I have dealt with this problem with a young friend, not my child, but it seems you have done all the right things so far. The only thing that has seemed to work after all other options have failed is to move as far from the drugs and people who provide them as you possibly can. It's a drastic measure I know, but it was very effective. And I know of other situations where it has worked. Being away from all infulences, not knowing where or who to get drugs from in a new place along with continued counseling allowed my friend the time needed without any pressure from outside influences. I pray your daughter will get well and I pray you will find the inner emotional strength to continue to fight this demon. God Bless and Best Wishes.

Jennifer - posted on 11/24/2009

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I would say that if you can swing it...put her in a wilderness program for troubled teens. I'm wondering if the problem here isn't so much a drug addiction as her other problems making her seek drugs to numb the pain. She needs peers her age who can identify with what she is going through. She also needs a whole new environment where she can learn valuable skills and gather back her self-esteem. Then I would suggest serious counseling for you and your son. You both need some help too. Good luck and God Bless you in this.

Amy - posted on 11/24/2009

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OH, Kimberly. First let me say. You are in my prayers as well as your daughter and the others that are in you alls path. Drugs destroy not only the person but families as well. I hope that my story helps you. Let me say that I'm a recovering alcoholic/addict. I've been through the worst of the worst from rape and abuse to seeing people die in active addiction to seeing people being robbed and shot, being in jail. I'm am not that person anymore. I'm currently a student at Kaplan University with a major in Psychology in substance abuse. Some of the things I tell you may sound just downright blunt, but they are just the truth and sometimes we don't want to hear the truth. Your daughter definitely does not want to hear it right now and she will keep rebelling as long as you push her into recovery. When she wants to stop she will hit a bottom so hard, she will have experienced enough pain where she just can't take it anymore and will want help. She will feel like she wants to die and maybe even say she wants to kill herself. This is when she is going to need you the most, but in the meantime(and it's heartbreaking & so sad) she has to go down her own path. This is the choices she has made. She is the only one who can turn her life around. And it hurts you that you are so powerless and can't do a darn thing to help her.
Going to NA meetings with her is not a good idea. She might need to share somethings that she's not comfortable saying around you right now. If she does come to the path of recovery she is still going to have to fight to stay off drugs. Her body still craves those chemicals and it's so easy to pick them right back up, to get relief from anything.
Teen Challenge is a good idea too. She needs to be in a long term rehab. There is also a place called Lincoln Trails Behavioral Health System. They help with addiction and mental disorders, therapy, etc. It is in Ratcliffe, KY. I don't know where you live but I would fly my daughter across the country if I thought it might help her.
I went to Lincoln Trails so many years ago and it changed my life in so many ways.
I sure am praying for you and your family. I hate that you have to go through this. I suffer with you; Please pray and pray and pray. Amy

Barb - posted on 11/24/2009

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My advice might be a little contradictory, so please take it with a grain of salt. Teen challenge is a great place and a good idea. As well as many youth farms where the kids work with farm animals and horses, earning privledges and gaining respect and self respect. Nothing will teach you respect faster than a 1500 lb animal.

you say the weekends are the worse. go away for the weekend. take the kids and go stay with friends or family far enough away she can't run off with bad influencing friends. remove her from that situation or even go camping. do something where the family is dependent upon the family for their needs.. you have to depend on her, she has to depend on you.

here is the contradictory part.
i don't believe in unconditional love. i think it is an enabler. "who cares if i do it? they will love me anyways" instead of "ut oh, i better not do that, or they won't love me anymore" I know there are things i could do to loose my parents love and respect and there are things my father has done that has made me loose all love and respect for him.

the other side of the coin.. a very powerful statement from my friend to her teenage daughter. "i love you enough to let you hate me"

best of luck to you
maybe keeping a blog will help you sort things

JENNIFER - posted on 11/24/2009

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I encourage you to take her to "Teen Challenge" find one of those places closest to you. They help people get off drugs with the Word of God. Listen you and your daughter need the Lord. The word of God says that apart from Him we can do nothing. Find you a God fearing and word of God preaching church who is out to tell the truth of God's word and not sugar coat it to please he people. Those churches have the truth of God's word to set you free. It will be the Lord that sets your daughter and yourself free. Seek him while he can be found. Blessings

Nancy - posted on 11/23/2009

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Kim,

What a terrible thing for you to go through! Have you thought of going to Alanon? They help & support people who live with alcholics / drug addicts. They offer coping skills to deal with this whole situation. This may sound mean, but it is not meant to ... I suggest that you discuss the issues at hand with her ... let her know you are there and love her more than anything in the world. However, you can't 'help' her anymore. You cannot control her actions ... that's what I'm trying to say. In a sense, you are enabling her to keep up her antics because she knows she can count on you to rescue her. Let her live with the consequences of her choices. Difficult ... extremely! But, I believe it is necessary for her to decide what to do with her life. She has to want to quit for herself, and for nobody else. Alcholism / drug addiction is a terrible, terrible thing that affects the ENTIRE family. However, I doubt she realizes the strain she has put on you and your son.

I would suggest all of you seek counseling and that you try live your life the best you can.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers ... I sincerely wish you the best!!

God Bless all of you!

Kelly - posted on 11/23/2009

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Get her help!!!! Hopefully it will work!!!! Pray alot!!!! They have great rehab programs out there!!!!

Jackie - posted on 11/23/2009

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Keep fighting the addiction-it is a disease. Keep loving your daughter-she is still your little girl trapped in a body that is diseased with addiction. Try to uncover her pain from her past...did someone molest or rape her when she was young. 1 in 4 girls are molested and or raped and most of that 1 in 4 deal with it by harming themselves. She is running from something that hurts a lot. Try to uncover it and help it heal. My thoughts are with your family.

Kim - posted on 11/23/2009

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I haven't gone through addiction with any of my children but, I am a recovering addict.(18 yrs clean and sober) Unfortunatly you have to let her find her way back. I is a hard and sobering thought but you have to be strong for her. When she does want to get help, she will need you then. Right now she is just looking for the next time she can get high. Don't beat up on yourself either. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent her addiction from happening. You can help put some breaks on it by giving tough love. Don't give into her and her manipulations. You are doing all the right things but in reverse order. Do these things when she has had enough and wants to get clean. Then you can lose sleep. Until then, you have got to keep yourself well and your son well also. Go to Alanon meetings, group therapy, seperate therapy. I know this sounds like a hard thing to do but please try.

Jodie - posted on 11/22/2009

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Hi there.wow...Iam living proof,off your girl....my self destructive life began at 18,for me...what your girl is doing now,is what i was doing at 18 as well.my only down fall was.is that i never told my parents...i supressed my pain,through drugs & drinking too.although knowing why i was leading that life,it wasnt till i was 26 that made me deal with it fully.your girl knows why shes doing what shes doing.but this is her way of dealing with it.ppl deal with rape in so many different ways.the best way for you to understand her pain.is to let her open up to you.at the moment your girl does not what to accept that it has happen to her.and she blocks it out by doing this to herself..so until she does accept it,this may be how life rolls for now.the best way for you,to try and fast track her to accept it.is to enter her world,by starting to tell her...{honey,you know mum loves you..but i dont wont to ever feel,you can not talk to me,,,,course you know you can,,,u may think i dont understand,but i do....but need you to know,i am here,whenever you need me....so when you are ready hun...come to me and let me in open up,and help me to understand fully,whats going in your world,and togeather,when you are ready,we will seek the help you need to get pass it.i know you never will..but we get the tools,togeather, to help with your recovery for a better life.and then say to her...its not your fault..and that you are beautiful inside and out...and you will get thru this,and il be there to the very end.then give her a massive hug,and whisper in her ear,and you know i love you,im here always.give her a kiss,and say i love you lots,as you walk out her door.and end it by saying...IM HERE WHEN YOU ARE TO TALK OK>>HONEY> wait for a response,if you dont get one,just say k i leave you be,and close the door.if you get one..say k im of now to have a coffee,come see you soon,and walk out...} its vital you say those words,course for your girl,those words mean the world to her.the one thing we loose as rape victims..is trust,dignity and self esteem.and it doesnt come back in a great deal of a hurry,but we do learn to gain knowledge thrugh it,and bit by bit,we learn to let it go from our life.your girl will never forget the pain of it all.but with the right tools,she figuare out what triggers her of to start whats shes doing..so the words,will make her think and realise,that hay my mum does what to know and will help me...and in time she will open up,little by little,and why i say that,talking bout,brings the nightmare to life,but that is ok,she needs to,becourse beleive it or not,the 1st step to recovery.and this is why,you must each night,before she goes to sleep,give her half an hr,to a hr,of your time,and just start a general convo,{ask bout her mates,see who shes hanging with,tell her if she chooses to party,i would llike you to let me in and ask me if you can go,and drive her there,give her curfew,and say let me learn to trust you.you be amazed,to my reaction ok.leave it there,as you are walking out the door,say..you can open up to me,you know that aye.}then say i love you hun...just do that each night.as the weekends draws,ask her if she has any plans for the weekend..and go from there..she mite ask to go out,then you just say where,who with..if you agree.tell her il drop u off,pick u up.but ring me plz if you get in to strife...by doing what ive mention to you..and will start to pay off.course she was start to gain trust again.despite mayb b4 that ordeal.she lost it.it could take months or years to open up,it depends how often she mentions things to you..its a catch 22.when shes ready she will seek professional help,but for now you will be her shoulder to cry on...you wont stop her from leading that life,but you can manage it,you can make boundies and in time you will have control of it.after you get rape,its a lifetime nightmare for us women that have been thru it.but in time you will gain so many tools..to ease the pain.be patient,her dad needs to be involved if hes around.thats all i can really say for now...its a situation,that its a jounery you and your girl need to take togeather,and learn how to cope with it.i am just giving you some learner tools to start the healing progress going.so take care in doing your jounery,be safe thru it.and be strong for each other.good luck,and i wld love to know how she is going.a message to your girl from me,if i may...hay you,i feel your pain,ive been there myself,im 35,and still hurting,but you know what,i did to start to heal,i told myself,im better than this,and then thats when you feel you need to deal with it.its not a scary thing to accept your pass,its rewarding.you will be fine okay.you have my support ok..go forth and d your jounery with your mum.take care.good luck.from jodie,from new zealand..you can do it your a strong lady.all the best..

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Talk to her and see what is hurting her inside that she needs to use the drugs. Surround her with strong positive people and make her get involved after she gets out of rehab. Bottom line is she has to want it, make her feel her life is worth something.

I will keep you in my prayers because you will be in for a tough battle. Be strong

Tracey - posted on 11/19/2009

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I to have had a drug problem. Starting at age of 15 I am now 44 and have been clean 3 years. You can just keep doing what you are doing, you can stand by her, wait for her to ask for help, hope the police catcher her before she hurts herself again. I know it sound harsh but if you cant help her the law will make her are brake her. All most all Drug Addicts get into trouble with the law and have been to jail numerous times. I do not know how old she is but using is a choice at this point in her drug addiction she has been clean before shes been to the NA meetings and has done programs. Keep up the room raids because you dont want to be in trouble with the law and if you do find anything call the police on her let them handle it and you will know where she is and that she is safe thats for sure. Take her keys If she leaves the house at night again you lock the doors and when she knocks on the door ask her what she wants! That will open the door for conversation. Stand your ground make it known you are not going to let her back into the house she is disturbing the hole house and you cant take it anymore. Tell her everything thats on your mind. Be strong and firm give her something to really think about! Set your RULES down and the repercussions if she brakes them. I cant tell you to kick her out because you have to make that decision for you and your family and you have to live with what ever you decide to do. Good Luck

Cathy - posted on 11/19/2009

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Pack your bags, and leave. Ask everyone to help. You would be surprised who will step up. What ever it takes, you must do.

Tammy - posted on 11/19/2009

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dear kimberly, I have never been in your shoes however, I have seen the effects of alcohol on my grandfather when he lived with us as years ago. Unfortunatly, he passed away lying in a bed at a rent by the month house, lying in a fetal position dying from cirrosis. Im telling you this in grafic detail because this is NOT what you want of your daughter I am sure! I can only imagine your fear, distraught, heartache, for that I am sorry. My advice is to seek residential treatment, rehab is temporary, they keep her for 30 days an once she tells them she is "healed", they let her go. Also, is there any posibility that you can move to another side of town? Maybe getting her away from the bad influences she is around now might help. I also was raped, and believe me the pain she has in side is uncermountable! As I kept it all inside because talking about it urt and was embarrassing, it took me a few years to really talk about it. This October was the 7th anniversary if you call it, of my rape. I finally announced it here on facebook. I told my friends and family on here as a way of letting go, not being afraid anymore, standing up to him, the justice system and letting those out there know he couldnt hold me back anymore. I will no longer let him hurt me or those around me by my actions or my words. I can only hope and pray that your daughter can become stronger and talk about her attack, get it out and recover! I would definatley try an intervention with her, it doesnt have to be like on tv. Have your parents, her siblings, and maybe some "good" close friends join in, give her tough love, then convince her to seek residental treatment for a longer term. Make her save her life!!

I will pray for you and your family that you all become stronger, have faith in the lord, know that he will comfort you all, guide you and heal you. I have hope that she sees the love you are giving her and if nothing else seek treatment for you and then she will see she needs it for herself. God Bless!! Seek God, get in a church, worship him an he will guide you, Tammy

Kristi - posted on 11/18/2009

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Never give up on her. You are right about the fact that she has to want to stop herself unfortunately, but showing her the love that you have for her is great. I will be praying for you and your family. Have faith!! My heart goes out to you all. You may never fully understand her addictions but you can be a role model for her and continue to seek all the help that you can. People are addicted to many different things and the main problem isn't their addiction but the reason for turning to their addiction. Try to find her reason and help her to deal with that. It would be best to try that if she has been a few weeks clean so that she can actually hear you. It takes a bit to let her fog clear if you know what I mean. If at all possible, take her away from her comfort zone (the environment that she uses in) for awhile. Environmental changes don't fix the problem but it may allow you all time to get to the root of the problem. May God be with you all!!

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2009

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I not a big reliouse pearson but it is amazing the power of church when some in a sichewachen like this. I do area with everyone fight for your daughter your probley her only hop. When she comes out ofthis she will thank you for being there and fighting for her. I will think of you often and i would just pray ever chance you get. aske everyone anyone for help some one will have the aswer for you. Don't give up.

Gloria - posted on 11/18/2009

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I sooo agree with Ms. Jackson. You need to put her into Residential treatment. She is in need of a higher level of care and you need to get your household back together for you and your son. I'm not sure what state your in but you can look on line for residential treatment. There is obviously a dual diagnosis that she can be treated for here, the mental health counselor can help with the issues on the rape that she experienced/all the stuff that comes along with that and then the drug addiction is the other. She can also be put into a hospital setting perhaps for 51/50. If she intentionally OD'd. I also agree that you need to seek Spiritual guidance because Jesus Christ is The Master of All Healing. I will be praying for you Kimberly and also your family.
(try dialing 211 on your phone for resources in your area or CRC Health is also nation wide...that's whom I work for.)
Gloria

Karen Voight - posted on 11/17/2009

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I have never gone through this and my heart really goes out to you. Being a mom you just want to help them and take their pain away.....we can't no matter how much we try. I do watch the show Intervention every week. From what I see sometimes tough love it what they need. Good Luck, I hope your family finds some peace.

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It sounds like she has some issues going on that she does not know what to do with and she is trying to hide them with drugs and alcohol. Usually there is an underlying problem and this maybe how she hides her pain. Seek immediate help. If the counseling/rehab is not helping I would search the internet and see if there is some place that you can send her to get her to open up to her pain and begin to heal. Best of luck to you and I hope and pray for your daughter.

Kelly - posted on 11/17/2009

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Quoting Kimberly:

Need advice~daughter has severe drug problem :(

My teen daughter has a severe drug & alcohol problem. Right now she is rehab for the 2nd time. She overdosed in March coming w/in 2 hours of death. We attend NA meetings. But she has been relapsing the past couple months. Recently she was raped. She leaves the house in the middle of the nite and I'm constantly having to look for her. I'm exhausted frm lack of sleep and my nerves are shot. I realize that she has to want to quite. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm terrified that eventually I may not find her in time before the next trajedy. Any advice on how to help her? She is even in intensive counseling. The pain of watching her suffer these addictions is unbearble. Her brother is distraught as well. I fear when the weekends approach because the chase begins. I am constantly having to do room raids. It's just become too much to handle alone as a single parent. Has anyone else gone thru this?



Hi Iam a in recovery.  I have almost 7 yrs. sober I see now what I have done to my parents and it was'nt pretty. U are right she has to want to get sober and she wont unti she does want it.Have you gone to alon? There they help- you to understand what she's going through and why she can't just stop on her own.My mom tells me what i've put her through for so many years and it hurts me that I could do those things to them.pray,pray!!!! Iam going through it noe with my child and its scary, but I have to let him go so he can find his own path

Lynette - posted on 11/15/2009

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Teen Challenge Website has some great resources.
http://www.teenchallengeusa.com/program/
They also have a residential program...

Background
Nearly 200 residential Teen Challenge centers across the USA provide care for people of all ages demonstrating a need for intensive help with life-controlling problems.

Mission Statement
To provide youth, adults and families with an effective and comprehensive Christian faith-based solution to life-controlling drug and alcohol problems in order to become productive members of society. By applying biblical principles, Teen Challenge endeavors to help people become mentally-sound, emotionally-balanced, socially-adjusted, physically-well, and spiritually-alive.

Getting Started
When contacting a residential Teen Challenge Center for assistance, it is important that the individual who is seeking help contact the intake coordinator. There will be an application process, including paperwork, an interview and a health screening.

In the event it is determined that the contacted program is not in the best interest of an applicant, a referral will be provided to another program(s) that offer the most effective and appropriate services to the applicant.
Program Specifics
Our programs have been developed to encourage the student to cope with everyday life issues. Students typically rise early and have little free time, due to a busy schedule of:

Devotions Discipleship Training Work Projects Meal Times Chapel Services Bible Reading Recreational Activities Secondary Educational Classes (adolescents) Lives are transformed at Teen Challenge by the power of God that is stronger than the bonds of addiction. Teen Challenge helps the total person with spiritual, emotional, physical, social and educational challenges to prepare them for their new life.

Spiritually: Teen Challenge knows that the student's symptoms are indicative of deeper problems and conflicts; we understand that a new life in Christ will give them the power and ability to overcome these problems and live a more productive life.
Emotionally: The healing of past abuses is necessary. Bible studies enhance mental growth and serve as a foundation for creating new lives.
Physically: We care for the physical needs of the students. These needs--a drug-free environment, food, recreation, etc--are key factors to the student's success in the program.
Socially: Students learn to work through relationship problems with their peers and with their families at home. They will learn to apply the character qualities they learn in the classroom to their everyday lives.
Educationally: Teen Challenge has developed a curriculum specifically designed to teach students about God and help them develop the skills required for them to become successful Christians. Adolescent centers provide secondary education, while some adult centers offer GED programs
Life after Teen Challenge
Upon graduation, students are made aware of educational and ministry opportunities in their local community colleges and churches. Although pursuing higher education has obvious benefits for any individual, it is vital that the Church has a place for those in the after care process. Continuing involvement in the local church is critical to the on-going development of any believer, especially those who have come through the battleground of addiction.

Stefanie - posted on 11/15/2009

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You are in my prayers. I am afraid I have no answers for you,I lost this fight with my husband and he is now in federal prison until our kids are grown. Take her to church...seek God!!!!

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Don't give up and keep trying. I would talk to her counselors and see what they say, go to therapy with her. Maybe they can help you come up with some strategies for her to gain some trust back and give you peace of mind. I couldn't imagine being in your situation, so take my advice with a grain of salt. If she isn't making any progress with her therapist, maybe she needs a new one. I would keep a watch on her and do what you can to keep her safe.



I hope it all works out for you! Good luck!

Robin - posted on 11/15/2009

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I don't have answers for you, but I encourage you to continue to fight for your daughter's life. Seek spiritual guidance to give you strength. I pray for children and parent's who are fighting this battle.

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