Need Help! I went too far 'monitoring' my 13 yrs old 'instagram'

Kerry - posted on 01/11/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I feel absolutely awful. My daughter was crying last night..(wouldn't really tell me why)...she was talking about a group of boys in her 7th grade, called "The Posse'...they are really mean to everyone....etc.

When my daughter turned her phone in to me, I was looking through her Instagram, (which I must say i was getting a little obsesed w/this instagram)and saw an arrogant post by one of these boys....unfortunately I 'cracked' and responded in my daughters name....just something a little snarky.

Within 10 seconds his response was 'u r a hoe'....
I Immediately told my daughter, she text that it was her cousin, he said 'ha ha', and I'm not sure where it stands right now....
I feel absolutely horrible and embarrassed.
What should I do; I realize I:
1. Lost my trust with my daughter
2. Feel like a complete idiot
I am so sad, and mad at myself....any advice out there would be GREATLY appreciated.

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Kristi - posted on 01/12/2013

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Side stepping the topic a bit...

What is Instagram? Is it password protected? How do I find out if my daughter has it?

I have to admit Kerry, I am impulsive sometimes and I have been tempted to be a smart ass to some of my daughter's friends' friends on FB, just because they think they are so clever. I won't let my daughter have any nasty friends but since so many of these kids profile's are public you can see everything they all say. Even though this wasn't your shining moment, I'll bet you're not the only mom or dad or big sister who has ever done this and you won't be the last. Not that that makes it right but try not to be so hard on yourself. You've done everything you can to correct the situation. All parents make mistakes, we live and we learn. One day you'll be sitting around the kitchen table with your daughter and your granddaughter and your granddaughter will say to you, "You are not going to believe what mom did to me!" Then your daughter will chime in with this little tale and all you'll be able to do is laugh.

Hang in there!

Kerry - posted on 01/11/2013

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Thank you for your words . Yes, I immediately went up to discuss this with my daughter, apologized and we discussed it.
I am really taking this hard...crying off and on...
I am usually such a reasonable person, this is so not typical of me.
I guess what's done is done and I will use this as a teachable moment for both.

Ariana - posted on 01/11/2013

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I would do everything Shawnn said and also add that you should apologize to your daughter about it and tell her, basically what you said here.

You saw the post and you got upset and acted impulsively. You definitely shouldn't have done that and you are sorry that you made such a big mistake and used her name to do it. It was an immature thing to do.

You might have already done this but if not it will show your daughter that you made a mistake and you acknowledge that. By doing that you're showing her that you own your mistakes and if something happens where she makes a mistake she'll know you understand and that the mature thing to do is to acknowledge what happened and learn from it. Don't justify it, you can tell her why you did it but that it's no excuse for the behavior and you take full responsibility for it.

Sometimes we do silly things in the moment, it's good that you acknowledge it probably wasn't the best thing to do, it means you're less likely to act so impulsively the next time :)

Kerry - posted on 01/11/2013

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Yes...I completely agree with everything you said. I have already deleted her instagram. and yes can not believe myself that I stooped to that level. Definitely NOT one of my finer moments.

Shawnn - posted on 01/11/2013

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This is why I'm thankful that my kids have no desire to "fit in" with the social networking crap. They were not allowed FB until they were 14, and proved that they could be responsible, and self police their friends.

In 7th grade, they don't have a "rep", they don't have any REAL reason to be on any of those sites. And, in my opinion, if you're allowing the activity, then you have every right to monitor the usage. But, seriously, to actually respond to someone like that, and feed that troll, was over the top. I'd recommend that you both stay off of Instagram. Her because its quite obvious that she's already being distressed by the idiots, and you because you didn't even own up to the fact that you, an adult, actually stepped down to the level of a 13 yo in your response, and didn't even respond as yourself, but as your own daughter. Which will probably increase the distress caused by these idiots, because it was sent under her name.

Don't get me wrong, I've sent some pretty snarky responses to my kids friends if they get stupid on FB, but I do not do it on the public forum, I do it with PMs, and I never "pretend" to be my kids. If I've got something to say to some snarky little teenage asshole, I stand behind my words and tell them exactly who I am.

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