Need Help With My 17-Year Old Daughter

Karen - posted on 08/20/2012

Just in the process of going through it myself, my 17yr daughter, has quit school without my permission, got 3 part time jobs, packed her clothes etc last night and went to live with a girlfriend, she has a 22 year old bfriend that works a month at a time over seas. they only meet while he was back last month, now he is gone for a month. She yelled hurtful things when I tried to tell her what she was throwing away, I got the full on world war 3, I was in tears, the more I got upset the more she said horrible stuff and seemed to be better in herself. I hve read so many posts, and at the end of it all, I think the decision is to let her go..... she knows I love her, I tell her often enough. She has 3 brothers 2 older and 1 younger, all to the same dad, yes my ex husband of 10 years now. Her older brothers tell me she is definitly different, and they say I have done a fine job in their opinions, the eldest is 21 has a great job and his own home, the second son also good job, boards with him. They have tried to talk to their sister, but she flies off the handle. Heartbreaking and devastating.

Melissa - posted on 07/31/2012

Stay strong! I think you are doing the right thing. She needs to know the consequences of her actions. Lying is a major offense in our house also.

Roxanna - posted on 07/29/2012

Glad everything worked out! I have a 17 year old too!

Jennifer - posted on 07/27/2012

Thank you for all the reponses.

Believe me, her and I have talked about being sexually active and stds and pregnancy and such. We talk about anything and everything. I know eventually, she'll want to have sex and I completely understand that. I was 17 once. In fact, she's been on birth control now for the last 6 months, but the purpose was not for preventing pregnancy but for her endometriosis and irregular periods. I completely understand why she did what she did, and why she lied about it.

The problem I had with this whole thing was she was given several opportunities to come clean and she continuously lied to me. That is why she's being punished.

I know parents have different ways to parent, but to me, if they're living in my house, they're supposed to follow the rules or accept the consequences. She's not an adult yet, not yet... She's still my responsibility and still has to follow my rules. She rarely gets in trouble but she knows, as well as my teenage stepson, that lying is not to be tolerated at all. And yes, there are a lot of "punishments" for an almost-adult. You just have to be creative. There's taking away their cell phones, taking away their laptops, not allowed to drive the car, grounding, etc. For her, this time, she's grounded and she lost her driving privileges.

We did end up talking last night and she apologized for lying and saying mean things to me. I did approach her first to tell her that I wanted everything fixed before she leaves tomorrow. We had a full-blown crying fit and told each other we love each other. She understands that she's still grounded for lying. I asked her if she was okay... if she needed to go to the doctor for any reason, and she said she's fine. And then, she said something funny... she said that I must have really good mommy-radar coz this is the first time she's ever done anything like this (first time she's even thought about it, she said), and she got caught. I told her that moms always have eyes behind their heads... :)

I will give her a short reprieve from her punishments tonight and give her an hour to say goodbye to her friends and boyfriend. They're supposed to be coming over for dinner tonight.

Again, thank you to everyone! Good luck to each and every one of you. I think this is the hardest phase, so far, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel... :)

Karen - posted on 07/27/2012

Take this opportunity to mend fences without saying that you were wrong about telling her she shouln't be lying. Your daughter is beyond the age where most of her girlfriends have started having sex. If you think this is something new then you are lying to yourself. The best thing you can do is make sure your daughter knows how to protect herself from sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.most likely this Iisn't the last guy she will be intimate with. To think that this was an "innocent" encounter is just being naive. You need to let your daughter know that you will not let this or anything else come between the two of you. You should also let your daughter know that you love her and always will, but that you don't condone her being sexually active until she is ready, willing and able to parent a child 24/7/365 for the rest of her life. Right now it sounds like she is mad, but it is still your responsibility as her mother to set the rules, and enforce them.
Most importantly never, never, never make set an ultimatum that you aren't willing to follow through on. She is still young, her brain is still developing, and she still has a long way to go!
Just remember she is your daughter, not a friend, co-worker, spouse, or the like. It is her job to be a young adult, it is your job to parent her through that phase so she knows what the smart choices are that she should make are. Don't think that she will like it, or agree with you, but know that she WILL listen.
Good Luck!

Raven - posted on 07/26/2012

Trisha Winfield: Your a real piece of work, and can only hope that you don't have any daughters. Call the cops...LOL...give me a break. She isn't doing anything legally wrong and neither is he. She is 17 yrs old, almost a legal adult and is now at a legal age to have consentual sexual relations. Calling the cops will ruin her record, and seriously embarrass her...and possibly ruin her relationship. The only rules she was breaking, was her moms. And filing charges on him...ruins his record and make him ineligible for many jobs. That is if the cops don't laugh at her. Her daughter is of consentual age and he is below 21yrs old and legally able to be with a consenting 17yr old if he wants. Do your homework and don't be an ass!

Jennifer: If I were you, I would sit down and think about how you felt when you were 17yrs old, and do yourself a favor and don't lie. She is not acting like a spoiled brat...she obviously felt like she had to lie in the first place, for some reason. I know it's not what you want to hear, but she is 17 and therefore of legal consenting age for sex. And have you ever thought that maybe they were just innocently sleeping over? I remember at that age, I was confused and didn't know what I wanted and made a couple of bad decisions. I believe that you need to give her space like she asked, but let her know that you love her, miss her and that you are disappointed that she felt she had to lie to you insted of having a grown up discussion with you. I don't know what punishments you put in place for an almost legal adult...LOL...but my daughters can't stand me being disappointed with them. If it's the first infraction...why so harsh? Everyone makes mistakes....even you! I would express to her how much it hurts you, that she wants to leave. I don't tolerate lying either, but I would of never been so harsh on the first infraction. Maybe she is just trying toexpress a little independence. Good luck, but I think you need to give a little, or you will lose her!

Trisha - posted on 07/26/2012

What she did was wrong. I think if it was me that my daughter did that too, I would of called the cops and reported her missing. See then she would have to face that and the boyfriend could also face some charges. I know that sounds mean and all but she and he both needs to learn that bad things can happen and you have to take action for what you are doing. As to man up before she leaves thats hard cause then she could take it as oh she is not mad any more and I can keep doing what I what. I guess I would just tell her that you love her and will miss her but you are still not happy with her actions.