Not trusting your teens.

Rachel - posted on 01/21/2009

I think the Internet is something that can easily get out of hand. There's SO much temptation out there. I still monitor my 17 year old from time to time just to make sure. The experts all suggest that we do - but yet I often see parents that are too afraid. They don't want to upset their kids. They don't want to rock the boat. You can give your child too much trust! If they know they can get away with it - chances are very likely that they will.



Parents can go overboard with it - but I can't say I blame them. The internet is an awesome tool - but it's not a safe place to be.



It is our job to know who, what, when, and where. It's what keeps them safe. They are still kids and don't know better. - That's why they have parents. :-)

Leni - posted on 01/21/2009

Quoting Pati:

 The best thing about it for me, I could talk with her about issues without her knowing it was about her or her friends. I was able to bring up conversations about subjects that she was dealing with in a round about way to help her with it without her knowing I was helping her with it.

That is the best part, and I also agree with giving them some time to come clean before presenting them with the facts.

EMMA - posted on 01/20/2009

Both of my step daughters have broken my trust on saying or doing things on the internet that they shouldn't, my 13 year old had cyber sex after only 54 minutes on the internet on her own for the first time, luckly enough i caught her and warned off the other person, cause at the time she was 11 and he knew it (pervert) and my 16 old put pictures on her myspace page and personal details, nothing rude or suggestive but just to much info for all those perverts out there.

As for the conversations between friends, that is there business and i would get involved unless i thought it was dangerous.

Both my step daughters are now allowed back on the itnernet and my 13 year old has supervision and definetly no chat rooms or groups at all.

Deangela-Deanne - posted on 01/20/2009

Sorry. I think that whatever they do as long as they are living on my dime is mine to view at anytime I choose. I have made that clear from day one for my kids and step sons too. I also have a system of trust I will trust them if they maintain trust with me. Which means if they lie to me on anything I will think of that trust broken and check on everything. That sounds more extreme than it really is. I don't check everything. I really don't need to because for the most part my kids understand the rules and don't lie to me on anything.

So far it has paid off and kept those kids that might stray into danger zones safe from themselves and others.

If they understand this is not what you do for fun, but out of concern for them and because it IS your job to protect them then there is no real issue. If you are doing it to understand them or because it is your form of entertainment...don't. Otherwise IT IS YOUR BUSINESS.

After 10 kids I can say it pays off.

Pati - posted on 01/20/2009

I am all for it. I am the self proclaimed cyber nanny in my house. It is not just my right it is my obligation to know what my kid is up to and into. Yes I trust her and I always have, even when she makes a bad choice, I trust that she will not make that mistake again. But I know she is a young girl, growing up in a crazy world full of temptations. I know that I have to guide her and encourage her in a positive direction. And I know what happens when you look the other way or put your head in the sand and think it is not happening all around.

When my daughter started using the internet, I got a program called IM grabber. It saved all chats on aol IM, even when her friends logged into their accounts. My daughter knew that I was monitoring the computer, I had her pass words I had rules, but she did not know the extent of my tracking. I had programs hidden in folders rather than in the programs menu so if her hot shot computer friends came over, they found nothing, (and yes they tried) especially the boys. On a few occasions I found chats that were not ok on some level. Once I found that her 14 yr old girlfriend was planning on meeting a 19 yr old boy she meet on line, at the mall alone. I told her parents and they got mad at me for snooping on her. But the big one came when I had a business trip, she changed her plans, the parent watching her did not call me, she went to a party with older friends in a car. And she drank. ALL against the rules. I gave her a week to come clean and then, even though I knew my covert operation was breached, I handed her the printed conversation between her and the girl she went with, and grounded her for 6 months.  Although I can still track all activity on the computer, I don’t log in to her accounts anymore; I do check history and things like that sometimes. I don’t use the im grabber or spy wear at all. The best thing about it for me, I could talk with her about issues without her knowing it was about her or her friends. I was able to bring up conversations about subjects that she was dealing with in a round about way to help her with it without her knowing I was helping her with it. She is 17 now and we laugh about the past, and she thanks me for being so involved and concerned.

Helene - posted on 01/20/2009

Totally! They are still growing and learning on the inside and we as parents have the right and the obligation to help guide them while we are entrusted with their care.

Rhonda - posted on 01/20/2009

You know what, I am so happy you brought this topic up.  I thought I was the only one out there that did this.  My daugter was quite angry with me when i first did.  But, my main reasoning behind it was for her safety.  And, yes they are quite comfortable in saying things online than they are off.  I thought that i knew my daughter, and figured "oh my daughter wouldn't do such a thing" but it turned out i was wrong...it hurt, because it made me wonder what i was doing wrong as a parent, but it's not really that.  She's growing and learning, and she needs guidance through this stage in her life...she's entitled to mistakes, it's how i help her through them...i just hope that i can help her, and that one day i won't have to check her IM's, emails etc...

Leni - posted on 01/20/2009

I totally agree with making sure everything is ok and checking up on them randomly. My son knows that I do that. He'll leave his laptop open and I don't even need his passwords. That's how much he respects me to respect him. What I don't think is fair, is doing it without your childs knowledge. As a parent I don't think that's being open and honest. To me that's sneaking around, just waiting for your kid to do something wrong.

Jackie - posted on 01/20/2009

Interesting...thank you for this topic!

I have checked my daughters msn chats, facebook, etc... but only because she gave me reason too. If she tends to be hiding something I will find out what it is... if she tells me... good...but if she doesnt then I will find it. So, when my teen is being secretive... I investigate... when she is extra miserable and seems to want no help.... I will investigate...and when she is acting... 'different' I will find out why. I have done this three times... and guess what... each time... I was right.. SOMETHING was going on and I guided her through some stuff that embarrassed her but (I think) helped her.

My son is only 14... and I have only checked his cell phone text messages once... never his computer or his room. I have not had reason. And the one time I checked his cell phone... all was fine. It was a misunderstanding between him and I.

Bottom line.. I think it is great for parents to trust their children.. but when there is something not sitting right: dont think--oh well I trust my kid-- no, when things dont sit right then check it out.--even if you have to go into their computer or bedroom. That is my two cents.

Cheryl - posted on 01/20/2009

I also randomly check my kid's IM's, text, etc. I also gave my 15 year old permission to have a Myspace page. I have his password and do check who his friends are and what is said on the page. I have not, so far, had to delete any inappropriate messages. He knows that is the only way I would let him have a page. This age is really difficult, they want their privacy and want you to trust them, so I think they have to earn your trust.

Helene - posted on 01/20/2009

Very true. Kids, and adults, have the best intentions to do right, but when they are placed in unfamiliar or tempting situations, can make mistakes. Accountability, WITH love, is the key :)

Tracy - posted on 01/20/2009

I personally think that we all need accountability epecially teenagers.  We are still guiding them.  They are not adults and are still learning about life, relationships and peer pressure.   Kids do make mistakes no matter how much you trust them.  So I believe that we need to randomly check into what they are doing.  I think it's our responsibility.  But- I think we should be open with them that we are checking and not hide it.   It's all about relationship & trust but it's also about making sure our children are safe. 

Helene - posted on 01/20/2009

My daughter knows that we will randomly check her IM's, texts, journals. She gave us her passwords, that was the agreement. For the most part, she's fine...but there were a few situations that we caught her in things that we worked out as a family. She is a freshman in high school and is still learning how to maneuver and survive in it. She is glad that we check up on her. You do have to invest a lot of time in your relationship and ALWAYS keep the lines of communication open, no matter the time, day or night.l