Ok age to have girlfriend over to house and in bedroom (door open of course)?

Sue - posted on 08/09/2010 ( 52 moms have responded )

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I have a 13yr old son who has a girlfriend, same grade. They have been together 2 mos....She has been to the house a couple times, and they casually go up to the bedroom to "hang" out. The door is never shut, but sometimes we are downstairs, and not upstairs paying attention. Is this wrong? I know they hold hands......they do that in front of me.....and he tells me to trust him, he isn't going to do anything stupid. Any suggestions?

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Giant Kansas - posted on 07/13/2012

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All I can say is you're being incredibly overprotective. I'm sure that your son is smart enough not to do anything stupid without you telling him that it's okay.

Carolyn - posted on 06/12/2012

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Is there somewhere else to sit besides on the bed? I have a son who recently started dating but he is 15 now almost 16. The bedroom is OFF LIMITS!! I suggest you start with the no bedroom rule now at the beginning before he gets too used to it being ok and you changing your mind.

Debi - posted on 11/24/2013

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I would not let them hang out in the bedroom. I have a 15 year old daughter, and the bedroom is off limits when her boyfriend is here. They hang out in the living room. I might add if they say " you don't trust me!" that to me would be a ploy to lay guilt on you....and a form of manipulation to get what he wants. My daughter's boyfriend layed that on me once and I simply told him..."It's not you I don't trust...it's your hormones!"

Deborah Ridgely - posted on 09/02/2013

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Do not allow this! Definitely do not trust him! Bedroom is off limits and you should have established these rules from the beginning. He is way too young to date. He can't even hold a job or drive legally yet to support a child.

Mary Ann - posted on 06/11/2012

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If you can easily access the room then I would see no problem. If it is upstairs, at the end of the hall, at such a distance that they would know you were coming I would say no. I have a daughter and a son and explained it as follows : I know you are good kids and have no reason not to trust you, but you know about rumors and how people talk. If you really like and respect this person you would not want to put them in a situation which could be interpreted negatively. What if it seems to quiet? What if I hear giggling which stops when I enter the room? Kids break up all the time and shouldn't put themselves in situations which could compromise their reputations.

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Ricci - posted on 09/01/2014

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NO NO NO NO NO NO NO...NO.. unless you want to be a grandma at a young age. And who would let their young teen daughter spend the night at their boyfriends house?!? I want you to stop and think back for a moment, when you were 13. Would your parents let you spend the night with a boyfriend?

Evelyn - posted on 08/31/2014

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Actually, letting them stay in the room with the door closed is asking for trouble. Hormones at this age play a good part in what happens with the kids these days as it did when I was a teen. My kids were not allowed to go into a bedroom and close the door with their BF or GF. Its a respect thing too.

Katie - posted on 04/22/2014

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i have a 14 year old son who has had a girlfriend since age 10. i let him go to his girlfriends house and he was alone with her but i trusted him. he has his girlfriend in his room (door closed) now and he texts and calls her on his private iPhone 5.

suggestions:
trust your child
let him have privacy (bedroom and cell phone if applicable)

Dad - posted on 01/31/2014

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jesus what are you worried about? you will hear it if they are doing it. if they really want to have sex they will find a way. Also if your child is holding hands with his gf that does not mean he wants to screw her.

Thank you
That Dad

Ahtziri - posted on 06/12/2013

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Well if I were you I would watch your son like a hawk! Because you know now these days teenagers is already having sex at this time.Be really cautions.Because I read the sometimes you are NOT paying attention to the upstairs door.So that is the time which maybe he is doin something stupid even he tells you to trust him I know that you believe him but be caution like seriously.Cause if your not watching the upstairs that "if it happens like if there having sex." I'm not saying if he is but you need to talk to him.I know you trust him but be ready if it happens ok. But I suggests to you bring now downstairs with you so you can easily watch him so you won't be worried that would I should do if I were you.But this is your choice.So be ready be caution.
Hope this helps.

Oh here's a another thing if you don't want to watch your child put on some video cameras like by the wall closely to his room So YOU know what's he doing.So you can tell if he's lying to you like yeah we didn't do anything but which he doesn't know that you know because you have video cameras.

MR RICK - posted on 12/15/2012

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My sons are 14 & 16, I had a situation similar to this with my oldest about 2 years ago. We nipped it in the bud real quick. Absolutely not are girls allowed in the bedroom. First, if something did happen you would never know. Second, if nothing happened and an accusation was made you would have no ground to protect your son. I'm not saying or trying to imply that the girlfriend is not a "good" girl. I'm just saying your son has no idea what the future could be and in this day and age, is it really worth the chance? I fall back on the rules my parents had with me. No boys in the bedroom until you're married. NOT GOOD FROM RICK CERASO NOT HAPPY AT ALL I WILL TO IT SOME TIMES ARE WILL SHOUT AT YOU NOW BAT LUCK NOT GOOD

Tommy - posted on 09/19/2012

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just let them do there thing if you let him shut the door he wont do nothing but he might take off his shorts and underwear

Pauline - posted on 09/12/2012

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I normally let my 16 year old son and his girlfriend, hang out in the living room and i stay in the kitchen, I don't allowed girls upstairs unless obviously they need the toilet. If you trust your son, it's really your choice, theres nothing wrong with letting him earn your trust :) good luck x

Karen - posted on 08/06/2012

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They're kids and kids do stupid things, usually without thinking or planning. So, I think this is a bad idea. Also, you need to talk with both of them about their reputations. It's different from when we were kids, if someone was mad at you or jealous they just whispered, you figured out who was talking, and you either ignored it or you confronted them and they usually stopped. In this day and age, with cellphones, texting, facebook, etc., if another kid gets wind of where they are "hanging out" and decides to cause trouble, it doesn't matter if they have never even kissed, the story will spread far and wide and people will believe it. So, what kind of reputation do they wish to establish for themselves? Frankly, hanging out in a bedroom with a closed door sends the wrong kind of message and it's only a matter of time before someone uses that information in a negative manner and I don't think they've considered the fallout that they will have to deal with.

Kelsey - posted on 06/28/2012

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I am having the same problem, only with my significant other's 14 yr old son. He has a girlfriend and insists on "hanging" out in his bedroom with her. I have two younger impressionable kids, who I do not want to think its ok to do when they are 13 or 14 and I do not want them to witness it.I am not comfortable with the situation as any time I see them in his room, they are tangled up in each other in the bed.
Its very frustrating as this is not my child and I have had the conversation with my significant other telling him that it is not appropriate and I do not approve and he of course says that the door is open so they won't do anything and that he has told his son that he is not to be all curled up in the room...but when I see them, they are entwined. To me they are disprespecting him and myself and my children and its very upsetting. There are plenty of other places to hang out, the living room etc and not be laying in a bed for hours as 14 year olds.
Do I say something to his son about how I feel about the situation or do I continue to let this happen without saying anything other than to my significant other?

Sherry-Lynn - posted on 04/02/2012

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Well I have 4 teenagers of my own and I have always said bedroom is off limits, now if this is only where you have for them to hang and you trust him totally.meaning to me he talks to you and he is open with you and you communicate with each other often then there must be trust. Now what I meant by why I said my teenagers no bedroom hang out that's boys and girls hang out but I have no problem when the girls are in together or if it's just boys hanging together cause I have two girls and two boys just to tell you....

With Me I like to sit with my girls and chat and get all the dirt or gossip I can get, now I am not sitting there all through the night or day its like half an hour or so and even then I give some good suggestions or kinda give them some of my life challenges but never go into detail, it helps when you know where they are coming from they trust you and the girls friends seem to come over more too that's their guy's and girls friends....

Now with your son holding hands with this girl I do not think that there is anything wrong, now some parents might say watch out for that boy all he wants is one thing cause he is a boy and he is a 13yr old and his hormones are going crazy, well if you trust him, this is where your communication comes in. I have always said if my child tells me to trust him I should but the here is a leash meaning I would always check in alittle bit more but not to much that its bothering him, but that's where the communication comes in again talking with him along and telling him if he wants to hold this girls hand and nothing else is going on then there should be nothing wrong with you checking in more often and then a little less......to me that's where you build your trust too.

To me day by day that's how it is to be a parent with teenagers you teach them right from wrong and all you wish is for you to trust them and for them to listen to you and tell them you love them that's all you can do that's part of life being a parent!

Vickie - posted on 11/18/2011

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I Never believed my 13 yr old especially when they say trust me ha , that tops it off , into their is a point and time when they will go up stairs and hang out but you also no what can lead to other things if they are laying on the bed , or what ever , do they here you coming up the stairs when you go up, kids are very sneaky , and just in case he is going to do something stupid make sure he knows how to be safe ,my son is 15 and has only been up stairs in his room with a bunch of kids girls and guys , playing games and goofing off but i go up and check on all them

Jewel - posted on 11/18/2011

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Whatever age they get their own place..... I don't play that. they stay in living room

Sherry - posted on 10/26/2011

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I don't allow my son and his girlfriend in his bedroom EVER, regardless if the door is open and regardless of age. I feel that the bedroom is too personal and that is exactly what I explained to my son. His girlfriend's parents allow them in her bedroom with the door open, but I told them how I feel and they since agreed. I also do not allow them to be on a different level in the house than we are. They can get pretty creative. Set the boundaries now and it will be a lot easier going forward. Best of luck to you.

Tah - posted on 08/19/2010

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27..my 13 year old cant have any girlfriend so the last thing im thinking about is them being in a bedroom with a door open shut or off the hinges...but..to each their own..so if i did think that my 13 y.o was mature enough to date it would be group dating and if they came over to the house it would be in the family room and anywhere that is open..sure go in the kitchen and talk..but i drink lots of water...yes you can use the computer...it's right there...in my line of sight...13 y/o's can do alot of stuff and they get cat like reflexes when they hear ya coming...the lines of communication need to stay open also...

Marielba - posted on 08/18/2010

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Just my opinion, I don't think you should be letting them in the bedroom. You mentioned sometimes they are upstairs and you are downstairs. In this situation, you really don't know what they are doing. He says he's not going to do something stupid, so that tells me you've talked to him. Have you discussed what is ok and what isn't? THey could be kissing or touching. I think you have to decide what IS ok and what isn't and if they were kissing or whatever in the bedroom while you are downstairs, would you be ok with that. In my opinion, it's just too risky. Some girls that age (and boyus too) are already thinking about sex. You don't want the temptation there. At the same time, you want him to know that you do trust him and that he can come to you when he needs to. Maybe the rule could be they could be in the bedroom when you're upstairs. Or maybe you have an area downstairs where they could have privacy but you could still keep an eye out. My daughter is 14 and she already knows if boys come over they are not allowed upstairs.

Rita_2_davey - posted on 08/18/2010

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Thank you for adding me to your circle of friends, I certainly appreciate it, Rita

Louise - posted on 08/18/2010

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I have two teenage sons and I trust them completly They have never over stepped the boundary. You were young once did you sit in the lounge with your mum and dad staring at you, or would you feel more relaxed in your own space. There is nothing wrong with your son being in his own room with his girlfriend as long as the door stays open and you do the occasional walk by. I take it you have had the chat about respect and loving relationships. If your son gives you cause for concern then talk to him again, but as he has done nothing wrong trust him to do the right thing.

Dawn - posted on 08/17/2010

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I think as long as you check in on them and door stays open its no big deal I have 2 sons 14 and 15 and when there girlfriends come over the same rule applies try to spend most time out with the family but if they want some privacy to talk then they can go to bedroom but door has to remain open at all times and we will pop by door every so often to check on them.

Andrea - posted on 08/17/2010

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no is not ok, first he is too young to have a girlfriend what happened to sports !!! any sports, and I believe in family rooms wherr the tv and computer and the games are available ,the thing is bedroom are off -limit even though door open policy there is always tentations specially when the hormones are acting up

Marg - posted on 08/16/2010

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I ran into the same problem when my oldest son was 14 and we allowed it , with an open door policy, but the problems began when he got older and then expected to be able to go ,with a girl , to his bedroom.He did not want his siblings around so then would argue to be able to shut the door. So we stopped it all together. Now we havea no boy/girlfriend in the bedroom policy.

Monaye74 - posted on 08/16/2010

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Hi! My name is Nikkey. I have an 18yr old son. I allow him to have his "Friend Girl" come over to visit. However, I don't allow him to have company in his bedroom. I make sure that they stay in the basement, because it's a common area. I dont think what your doing is wrong per say. Try a common area in the house, where family have access.

Cara - posted on 08/14/2010

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I would encourage you to think more long term about what kind of standards you want to your son to follow. I have two girls, 12 & 14, and long before boys came into the picture, we decided what kind of standards we wanted them to follow.
We allow our daughter to have a boyfriend, but, within well established boundaries that she has known, expected, and accepted for a long time.
First, we don't allow 'dating', as in going off alone. When 'the boy' started coming around, both I and my husband explained to him our standards. One is that he shouldn't pursue her as a 'temporary plaything'. She isn't into casual dating. She expects to be courted, and told him this. Second, he is not to ever do something with her alone that he wouldn't do in front of me. He is to protect her innocence.
We do allow him to kiss her (on her hand, which she prefers, and occasionally on the cheek)
They are not allowed to spend time in the bedroom alone, as that is allowing temptation that teens just don't need.
They hang out in the living room, with us, or little sister. He goes places with us, and stays here over night sometimes (in his own room, and she sleeps with me on those occasions) She is not allowed in his car without a third person (he is a few years older than her)
She expects to be chaperoned, and he expects it now as well. We explained that this was what he should always expect, until she is essentially ready to marry. He accepts it because he respects her, us, and really wants to be in her life. In nearly 8 months, I have had to reprimand him about 3 times, which I think is pretty good for a boy who was rather wild when he started coming around.
Long story short, think about what you want for your son, what are your expectations, and how do you want him to treat girls.
How would you want your daughter to be treated at her bf's house? Decide, and explain to your son what you want and expect. I guess I should add that I have had many talks with my daughter, and the rules we set are agreeable to her. She feels safe, protected and cared for, both by us, and a bf that respects her boundaries.
One note from my daughter, she says its not so much about trust, as it is about protecting your teens from accidentally making a mistake that could have dire consequences. It is really easy to slip and go too far when you are alone, even if the door is open.

Rita_2_davey - posted on 08/14/2010

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With the parents' in the home, thats' great. However, parents downstairs, daughter and friend upstairs. This is an age where their hormones' are peaking or close to. I also dont' like the fact that he is already saying "to trust him". With that said, why would he already be saying that to you, prior to. I think I would keep a little more watch, even having to go upstairs for something ??? Just see if they are sitting/lying on the bed. If lying down, they are just not age appropriate. That would bother me. They both could be very cautious and your son may not even be doing anything but it doesn't hurt to check on them.

Gena - posted on 08/14/2010

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You have to trust your child & your instincts. My son is 16 & has had the same gf for over a year. His gf & him have both taken an oath of celibacy. You have to trust your children until they give you a reason not too. I let Kelley spend the night sometimes & yes she sleeps in Zack's room on the couch & the door is WIDE OPEN all the time. I trust him becuz he assures me & his father he is not interested in having sex at his age. He wants to go to college & start a career. Yes my 16 year old, fixin to be 17 this month is still a virgin & I am PROUD off him for being so responsible. We have talked with him numerous times about the consequences of unprotected sex & having sex before ready. He ALWAYS tells us he is NOT having sex til he is MARRIED. He was baptized when he was 10 & I fully believe he is living his life to please GOD. He does not curse, gossip, drink, smoke or any of the things I grew up doing. Course I did not become a Christian until I was 26. I think being brought up in a christian home has made all the difference in the world. My husband is a godly man and was raised with same parents all his life where I come from divorced home. So, TRUST your son, but it is NEVER wrong for you to CHECK on them. Even if just a walk by. I did not have to deal w/this at age 13. Really don't think you have anything to worry about unless you feel it in your gut or you don't trust the girl. Good luck

Lesley - posted on 08/14/2010

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Just keep popping upstairs every now and then, make sure the door is open still, talk to him about relationships and appropriate age for different things. if they are going to get up to anything if it's not at your house they will find somewhere else !

Heather - posted on 08/14/2010

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My son is 12 with the same situation. Our rule is "no bedroom". Our son knows the rule and hasn't even questioned it.

Joanne - posted on 08/13/2010

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Ok, call me old fashioned but whatever happened to teenagers dating at an older age. My daughter is 16 now and has only been allowed to date as of this year. In my personal opinion 13 is too young to be having a girlfriend or boyfriend, as they do not have enough life experience at the age of 13...just my opinion.

Stacy - posted on 08/12/2010

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I have use 2 have a problem letting any girlfriend over my house but now i don't mind at all as long as they respect it by not doing anything they're not suppose to do in my house. u would be surprised how much u can trust them while in ur house with someone there, even with the door shut.

Zatonda - posted on 08/12/2010

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I treated my 13 yr old son a little different than I treated my 13 yr old daughters, I would not be so concern about your son as I would the girl, I would not allow any girl of mine to go over a boys house if she considers him her boyfriend. If this is the case I would rather the boy visit the girls home, but considering her parents don't mind that may not be a good Idea, It's good that you do watch them, but at that age I don't evern considering it dating I consider it a friendship, although it's possible for relationships to last, there no need in rushing it. The chances of your son being with her when he leave home are slim, and I would not allow them to be put in a position as to where temptation is in his face at that age. I mean going to the movies, parks, studying together, small things but if the tv or entertianment is in his room then I would leave the room and make them stay in the main room with a time limit .

Kimberley - posted on 08/12/2010

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I let my daughters boyfriend visit and they go into her room to watch a movie with the door OPEN of course. My room is right across the way so I can see everything. I have a door open only policy however when he is over no exceptions! If I find it closed (which i have never) but IF it does happen he is no longer allowed over period! so no rules are ever broken which is a good thing for them. I know my daughter wouldn't do anything she isn't supposed too so I don't worry even though I watch like a hawk most times. Every family is different and every household has different rules, it just depends on how your children are and if you trust etc...........good luck. The ultimate choice however is yours.

Jane - posted on 08/12/2010

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I think it's fine with the door opened at that age. I would just make surprise visits often...be unpredictable and then they have no way of knowing when you might pop in, hence keeping them on their toes :)

Wendy - posted on 08/11/2010

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I agree Sue. 12-13 y/o, I think to be a good age. But only with a parent present!! The door staying open is the ONLY option!!!!

Sally - posted on 08/11/2010

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I don't think so. Just so long as the door stays open and you, periodically, check in.

[deleted account]

My sons are 14 & 16, I had a situation similar to this with my oldest about 2 years ago. We nipped it in the bud real quick. Absolutely not are girls allowed in the bedroom. First, if something did happen you would never know. Second, if nothing happened and an accusation was made you would have no ground to protect your son. I'm not saying or trying to imply that the girlfriend is not a "good" girl. I'm just saying your son has no idea what the future could be and in this day and age, is it really worth the chance? I fall back on the rules my parents had with me. No boys in the bedroom until you're married.

Angie - posted on 08/11/2010

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It's not okay in our home. If you let him do this at 13, he will expect for you to do it at 17 - so will his younger siblings. Why do they need to be in his room, if they aren't doing anything that can't be done in front of you? I think this might be something you don't want to become expected in your home.

Samantha - posted on 08/10/2010

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Hard one. I know we have an open door with company policy with my kids. We make surprise "walk by's" at different times, or even send another sibling to do it. If the child does not know when someone will check on them, they are more likely to do the right thing. If you do trust your son and he is a pretty good kid, I would trust him on this. Just as long as the time that is spent in the room is not getting much longer than the time spent with family with his girlfriend, I think this will be a good thing for you relationship with him. Telling him that you trust him to be responsible and as long as he continues to prove he can be you will let him continue to have his "hanging out time."

Ramona - posted on 08/10/2010

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Depends on the room is. My dd's bedroom is off of the family room and we look right into it, so that is no big deal. Ds, is off the kitchen, so if everyone is downstairs, hmmm...perhaps not.

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