Please help! - 14 yr old boy stole from his Uncle. What else can I do?

June - posted on 08/11/2012

Update - my 14 yr old gave apology card to uncle with money returned. He was not able to hold a conversation though. Maybe he was embarassed? I can only hope. We had a nice dinner out with both kids very well behaved. What a nice change. We have been tough in taking away stuff from them, and I only wish my husband and I agreed much earlier. School is starting, and I hope both boys take it seriously. I have always stressed A and Bs only because they are both capable of it. They just would rather do social things than study. We will have to implement strong rules.

June - posted on 08/07/2012

Thanks, Elizabeth. As of now we are in limbo because he is supposed to be assigned a new probation officer after we had our court visit. He is now following my rules. He comes home prior to 10pm every night as that is the court's direction. Every time he is disrespectful I have told him I will shut off phone (gave it back recently). This parenting is toughest in the teenage years, especially with my boy going off the deep end with drug experimentation and disrespect from both my boys that escalated. When my husband and I finally worked together and took everything away there was a mini war in my home. I am cautious that we are on a positive track. He is on probation until 12/31 and then we go to court again to hopefully get the grafitti charge dropped if he follows all the court directives.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/07/2012

Did you say he is on probation. Tell him he starts going by your rules or you will talk to his probation officer.

June - posted on 08/03/2012

Hi Shawn, Thanks for the reply. Yes, he is the youngest and probably was exposed to things at a younger age from his big brother. I also have a 16 yr old boy who also went though the marijuana experimentation but after we cracked down on everything he stopped. He then went through a horrible stage where he would openly make fun of us and then it escalated to calling me retard in public. When I corrected him he actually told me to shut up. I lost my temper and slapped his face. I said no license permit, took away phone, room door, allowance and grounded him. After being tough guy for a long time with this bad behaivor, he finally broke down weeping and has been very respectful after that. Sometimes I feel like it's too late, but I always bounce back and keep up the fight to turn my boys into decent, nice men who will hopefully be able to make a decent living and abide by our society laws. Thanks for your encouragement. This is the toughest thing I've ever been through.

Shawnn - posted on 08/03/2012

Hey, June! It sounds like you've got it under control, really...honestly, I hate to tell people "call the cops on your kid"...I couldn't do it with my nephew either, and your story hit me in the heart, because you could have been talking about my nephew!

At least he's clean, and not hanging with the old crowd. That's really almost 1/2 your battle! And boy, do I know the whole "arguing with hubby over how to..." about the kids. Mine is the same way. If he has ready cash, and the boys ask, it's theirs! And here I am, on the other side telling him "make them work it off..." Sometimes hubbies can be the biggest obstacle LOL!

As long as you and hubby are on the same page now, and you stay consistent (which it sounds like you really have been pretty consistent) it should work out well, and without the trip to the boy's school that my nephew went through. About the only positive thing that resulted out of that was that he did turn it around, finally, and his parents (my brother & his ex) had to take some parenting classes about teens, because the judge (rightly) determined that his behaviour stemmed from them being too permissive. Well, that, and that my boys had confirmed for them that I'm a bitch, and if they were to pull the same stunts, they wouldn't be getting the kid gloves treatment.

I don't have much more "advice" at this time, but I do have support, so I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts, and hoping that all smooths out for you. Hopefully, your brother (or BIL) is understanding and forgiving as well ;-)

You sound like a woman after my own heart, and that actually makes me feel really good. So many times today I see the denial mentality, rather than the "I am very realistic" mentality. I'm pretty blunt and realistic, so if my post didn't send you off steaming, you're my kind of lady! Hang in there.

Is he your youngest?

June - posted on 08/03/2012

Hi Shawnn, Your point is not lost on me. I am very realistic about my son stealing, lying about it, and drug use. I have called the police twice when he was leaving the house unauthorized. I'm the one that told the court and probation officer about the drug use. Yes, I have tested him for drugs and he is NOT using anymore. He is still on probation for grafitti until the end of this year. He has stopped hanging out with the friends who have criminal parents. He hangs out with a couple of nice kids who have experimented with drugs but are not criminal types like before. So I feel I have made some progress. I am trying to figure out why my boy is angry and doing bad stuff. I used to only give $20/mo allowance, BUT my husband was giving out $ whenever they asked for it. We have been arguing over this for years now. Finally, my husband and I have a pact to only give out money when we talk about it first and both agree. I started giving out a larger allowance because I read the John Rosemand parenting book and that's what he recommended to teach responsibility. We live in a very high cost coastal area and the allowance is supposed to cover food out, movies, etc. My son will be working chores to pay back his Uncle along with an apology letter and essay about stealing. I don't think calling the police one more time and getting him sent to juvenal hall is going to solve the issue. I've put him in a scared straight type program, and am glad that the drugs are gone for now. I know my husband spoiled the kids horribly, and we have been fighting about it for a couple of years now, but we really are trying to be on the same page now and have stopped the free flow of stuff and money to my kids. I will be consistent and hopefully this will be a bad memory. All suggestions are very much appreciated as I work to figure this out.

Shawnn - posted on 08/03/2012

Well, my advice is to turn him in for stealing, give the police your evidence, and see if they won't at least come talk to him.

My nephew stole $100 from my husband while I was out of town one night. The brat then claimed that he hadn't even been to our house (this is how blatantly he would lie, because his parents knew he HAD been there, they'd called him on my landline).

When my husband called me (he didn't want to call the cops on his nephew, and neither did I), I called my brother and his wife, and demanded to speak to the little brat. The boy had the audacity to lie to me, as well. I told him that, thanks to his lying little butt, I was having to cut MY plans short, and come home to settle the matter. I gave him the time it would take me to get there (2.5 hours) to strip down, come clean, and give my husband his cash back, or he'd be dealing with me, and MY style of discipline, not his parents.

His mother BEGGED me to call the police on him, but I could not do that, because you just don't do that to family.

My husband got his money back within the hour, but the kid lied about the situation the whole time. I should have called the cops, and hind sight being what it is, I know that now. Eventually, my nephew ended up in the state boy's school for juvenile delinquents. Perhaps, had just one of us called the cops on him sooner, he would not have sunk that far.

I'm going to be blunt. Your son is a liar, a thief, and a drug user. He did not take that money for any other reason. He has disrespected a member of your family WHO TRUSTED YOU enough to stay in your home while visiting. You need to turn the evidence over to the youth authorities in your area, and ask them to take steps, so that your son could possibly be turned around, and avoid serious jail time later.

My nephew's issue was an entitlement issue as well. He'd never been told NO by anyone, nor had his parents ever enforced discipline. He did not have any idea of actions/consequences, because his parents never held him accountable for anything.

Yours, I'm sorry to say, sounds the same. He's 14? And you give him earning potential of $120 a month? Other than washing the car, what is he expected to do to EARN his allowance? You have enabled this boy to be this way. Take the hard step now, before he continues stealing, doing drugs, and ends up in jail.

Oh, and how do you KNOW that he's stopped the drugs? Is he being tested at random intervals? If not, and he's just telling you he's not doing them, he's probably lying about that too.

I'm really sorry that you are at a point where you are having to deal with these things. I do wish you the best, and hope that everything will work out for you and your family.

June - posted on 08/02/2012

His dad (we are married for 18 yrs) is loving & has taken a leave of absense for 4 months to be around this summer. Dad is loving and gives as much time as the boys want but gets angry when boys do something very wrong. Boy was doing drugs and on probation for grafitti. He is not doing drugs anymore but leaves even though I say he is grounded. He does come home every night before 10pm though. We give him allowance $60/mo or so and give him opportunity to wash/wax car weekly for $20. Before drug issue he was given money whenever he asked for it. I suspect this is a spoiled entitlement issue. He spends whatever money he has very very quickly so I suspect he is having a hard time being limited to an allowance. We are a well off family, but I didn't grow up that way and worked very hard to get here. Boy is still leaving house even though grounded and won't talk with me. I keep telling him he will have to apologize to Uncle and pay him back. I tell him as long as he doesn't honor the grounding he won't get allowance, phone or room door back. There is nothing else I can take away. I took away his clothes too and now will only give him a change of clothing per day. I don't know what else to do. I am trying very hard not to be angry and just stay consistant and try and talk with him even though he doesn't talk to me and won't admit the theft. This is the third time I have caught him taking money. There might have been more times because we used to not track what's in our wallets.

Dora - posted on 08/02/2012

Where is his dad? What is your relationship like? Is he in need of money is there a financial problem going on at home that he feels a need to steal? You can email me at mom@ ineedamom.info