Plllllease help me! I have a 14 yr old and she's outta control! Help

Marylou - posted on 10/22/2012

I try sitting and talking it didnt work she goes to couciling she dont listen we go home she starts she even wets bed she things it funny she is awake when she does it please help us dr phil we need bootcamp thanks marylou parsell

Marylou - posted on 10/22/2012

I have almost the same promblem she hateful steal lies is a bully hates school stright ES AND DONT CARE she is mean to me mom i was in hosp for 4days with to much stress almost had hartattak she didnt care dont listen to anyone HELP please she need bootcamp thanks maylou parell

Sj - posted on 04/10/2012

Have you tried corporal punishment?

Kimberlee - posted on 04/09/2012

Hi there,



Not every child is the same and what works for one parent may not work for another. I have two boys (15 and 6 yrs old), and I tried the tough love approach too, but all it did was cause more anger towards me. I finally got the police called on me (what about, I´m still not sure), but the officer came and explained that while he was a minor, he´d have to do what mom says. Being told by someone else in authority really made a difference. I´m also getting the 3 of us counseling, since we just lost dad recently and all of us are having our own individual and family issues.



Also, your daughter may be rebelliously crying for help and may be saying in a destructive way, "Hey mom, I need a little bit of TLC!". The ones that need love most are the hardest to love. A good tactic you may want to try is just sitting her down and acknowledging that you´re imperfect yourself and although you may not always know what to do as a parent, the one thing that will never change is your unconditional love for her. Try giving her some affection like a hug, kiss and kind words. That may get you farther than anything you could say that could mess things up further.



Wishing you the best of luck!

Becky - posted on 04/04/2012

the courts will get involved only if you sign a form saying she is out of control and will not listen to you.

Beth - posted on 04/04/2012

I've been through the same thing with my daughter - the not answering her phone and not knowing where she is, driving around looking for her. A lot of that behavior has to do with who she hangs out with. The only sure way to control this is by limiting your daughter's time with those friends who are bad for her - don't tell her you're going to do this - just do it. And purposely find other thngs for your daughter to keep busy with so she gets used to it. When I did both of those things, my daughter made new friends and ended up spending a lot less time with the ones who were bad influences.

Mary - posted on 04/04/2012

Fourteen is a difficult age. I think she has all the power right now and you need to take it back. If she disobeys you then there must be consequences. I would start by taking her phone, grounding her (no friends over & she doesn't go anywhere). I would make sure she doesn't have access to a computer either. You have to be in charge and she has to learn that. I probably would cancel her phone until you can trust her again. If she gets mad at you so what. She also needs counseling. Sometimes your insurance will pay for it. They do counseling through the school but it's better through your insurance. I would take her to the dr. and have her checked for STD's & pregnancy since it sounds like she had some risky behavior. She also needs taught about safe sex, even though she should not be having sex. At this point, I dont think she would tell you.



Also, I would make a contract for her. She has to do A,B, and C to earn privileges back. Give her some involvement in making the contract if you can (such as 1 week good behavior will get you & her out for ice cream. I would not let her out for 1 or 2 months, regardless if she behaves bc of her outrageous behavior. She has to earn these things back by being trustworthy. She has to straighten up in school. Go to the school counselor and ask for help. Get the passwords so you can check her grades daily. E-mail her teaches. Let her know you are checking up on her. She has to get better friends. Theses friends are bad for her, and if she wants privileges back her old friends are gone. She wants attention and she will get it somewhere. Let her know you love her and you are not going to allow this behavior and things have to change.



If you are feeling depressed talk to your doctor. You have to be healthy to help her. Good Luck!!

Patricia - posted on 04/02/2012

I have a 12 yr old son he has a bad mouth but not into trouble.. But i do have a 16 yr old nephew who thinks everytime one of his lil friends has a problem he can run in the middle of the night to help.. SSSOOOO FRUSTRATING!!! Its hard to control them but you gota make some rules.. She has a cell phone take it away when shes bad.. Dont allow her to g with freinds, no computer, let herknow you aint playing... When she does go out have her check in every hour even if its just a text message.. maybe you can take her to her freinds talk to her feinds parents and say she is to stay here not allowed to leave.. Be at school early to pick her up just in case she decides to wonder off elsewhere.. Its called tough love we hate to be that way with our kids but we make them into lil monsters by allowing them to do whatever they want and giving them whatever they want.. I cry alot cuz my kids and my sisters kids drive me crazy and sometimes i cant handle it.. My nephew always tells me he hates it here he wants a new family, im like what! He calls me names, yells at me, his mom and dad are gone due to drugs and jail and im the bad guy.. they take our kindness for weakness and they know we love them so much, so they know how to hurt us.. Try the silent treatment i do that to him and i get "IM SORRY, I LOVE YOU

Donna - posted on 04/02/2012

So good to see that I am not alone in this. My 14 year adopted daughter has been putting us through hell for the past few years. She lies all of the time, about everything. She now I am told by her counselor has a love addiction. She checks out every man, boy that passes by. She sneaks next door to see a 20 year old who is known for doing drugs, and drinking with his family and trash in my opinion. We don't know if she has been touched by him because she says she will fight and not let anyone examine her no matter where we take her.

She is disrespectful and overly defensive, especially to myself but not as much to her dad.

I feel badly for keeping her restricted and taking away privileges all of the time. No matter what I take away or do, she says she "Doesn't Care."

She was born to cocaine addicts and I am told that addiction is found to be hereditary.

I am so worried that things are going to get worse and more out of control.

Ana - posted on 04/01/2012

Wow, sorry to hear your daughter is causing so much grief. Mine was, too. I had no idea she was living a double life and when I finally confronted her, she went to live with her dad. She still doesn't want to talk to me about anything. We emailed a couple of times, but then she said she needs more time because of the "pain" - I have no idea what pain she speaks of to everybody. She was treated very well. If anything, she was verbally and emotionally abusive to everybody here. All I can say is that our home is very peaceful and loving again. She hurt her "stepsister" - her dad's live-in daughter to the point she unfriended my daughter on Facebook. I hope one day I will get some answers, but until then, I am relieved my sons are safe because towards the end of her living with us, I feared for their safety. They have food allergies and it would have been very easy for her to hurt them especially since her jealousy towards them was so strong. I don't understand why she chose the path she did, but I raised her for 15 years and it's about time her father does something in his life to help her.

Tammy - posted on 03/31/2012

Hello I am so sorry to hear that you are going thru all this it really hits home with that age in mind. I have a 14yo son that started doing that stuff too, and I was embarrassed and ashamed, but it isn't our fault. The children now a days see and hear so much negative behavior on tv and their peers and think it's cool and it's not.. I took my son to a Counselor for a Boys Ranch and left him there for the day. They talked with him and showed him around it was a different place for him that he was not going to be running, or running his nasty little mouth with disguisting language either. They had horses that each kid was assigned to and if you had a bad day the horse knew and behaved just like him. I'm just suggest that maybe you should look into some resourses & ask for help thru them alot of places have scholarships to help the cost. She needs to gain respect for herself, you and realize that she is not going down the right road. Do you belong to a Church? Not trying to pry into your business, but many churches have counselors for teens or a hotline to talk. Either way, you need to ask for help yourself too! I work in Labor and Delivery and PPD is not an easy thing to go thru esspecially trying to chase your daughter around too. :( I'm sorry but the Juvi system with worsen your situtation and they will hold you accountable in the end and you'll end up with a huge bill just for asking for help. I am on medical leave right now if you need me to call for you I can try to get you help in your community thru internet or phone. Please let me know what I can do to help you-I'll even call your daughter and act like a counselor I have good ears and a good heart. I know it sounds weird, but your not alone. I hope you take care of yourself and find an outlet to release your stress, I'm sure your a wonderful mom. With that being said I wish you the best of luck in both situations. I'm here if you need to chat or want me to help. I don't know where you live, but I can try to help...

Sincerely,

Tammy in Arizona

Rosie - posted on 03/30/2012

Well, my child is now 18 not talking to me and moved in with her father whom she had no relationship prior to us getting into it.



But here is what I did in her freshman year when she started giving me Trouble. I attended a 10 week program at Kaiser called the "Parent Project" and I put it all to work. She had to notify me of any intent to go out 48 prior noticed. She ended up having not much friends but they did warn me the "jerks" would leave her alone. But as she approached 18 she thought the rules would no longer apply. She went LOCO and then left to her father’s house. I have no contact with him and she knew she would have no rules there. Her father called me not too long ago and I told him what was going on and warned him he may be financing her "habits". She probably has more rules now, he said absolutely NO boyfriend until after college. I laughed at him but told him I’d pray for them both.

Do a search on The Parent Project and attend classes. It does work!



Hope you find lots of help out there.

Rachel - posted on 03/25/2012

Take to someone that she can talk to about her issues. Not family or friends but a PSYCHIATRIST. I know here in Hammond, Louisiana we have a program called "FINS" Which is an early intervention program. You should see if your state has something of that nature.

I wish you all the luck in the world.



God Bless@

Kristine - posted on 03/25/2012

I don't know where you are, but there is a PINS program. It's for persons in need of supervision, and it assists with these things with social workers, and probation officers, and helps to set on a right track. There is probably something in the state you live which can help. You can call the school for resources, or local probation department, whould be able to help guide you. I wish you all the luck in this very trying time.

Cyndi - posted on 03/21/2012

Have you seen the Dr. Phil show 1/25/12 called 17 and out of control? It was a great episode. I felt like they were talking to my family. He said some really great things in 2nd half of show. The first half was letting this girl Courtney talk about how great she is, she does whatever she wants, blah, blah, and her parents tried all forms of punishment and discipline. nothing worked. Anyway, His insight and recommendations were so helpful to me though. It seemed like eureka, this makes sense. When you as parent lose control (maybe even years ago) you now need a professional to help get it back. You may need to send your child away for a 30 day program and it will be hard for parents and child, but it's what you the parent need to do to show your love, you want the child to be productive, happy, respectful to others. Not an entitled, mean, lazy, jobless unhappy adult. Let a professional teach them. Parents are going to need some counseling too, what to do when they come home. I know financially it probably is really hard, but for some people it might be only or best answer. Maybe you might find it helpful to watch 2nd half of show, maybe on you tube some parts on his website. Good luck.

Tabitha - posted on 03/21/2012

Caroline, I am not passing judgement on the teenager. I am offering my opinion and suggestions. I am not disagreeing with the idea that she needs love, understanding and counseling. Yes, we all know that her actions are signs that she's not happy with the situation. Yes, I know kids with terrible home lives are going to act out. Hell, kids we very good home lives will act out sometimes. I too have worked with troubled children/teens. I've had countless foster children come thru here as well as the 5 kids of my own I'm raising now. The main point I'm trying to get across is this...Regardless of what she is going thru, she has to learn to face the consequences for her actions.



When she turns 18, gets a job and moves out on her own, those actions can land her in prison, with liver problems, with a baby, with STDs, with no job(last I checked employers frowned upon hickeys). She won't be able to scream at her boss because she doesn't like the rules. And guess what!!! None of the people she will have to deal with be it a judge, jury, prison guard, baby daddy, boss...none of them will give 2 shits about whether her parents got divorced while she was still a minor or not! Lot's of people had crappy childhoods, most of them have it way worse than new blended families, it is not an excuse to go out and do what you want.



Our prisons are full of people that had crappy childhoods. But you know what, so is just about every business, retail store, courthouse. And I've not only dealt with kids from crappy backgrounds, I lived it, so did my 5 siblings. Some of us turned out alright, some of us not so much. Of course, I think this mother should take the time and effort to find out how her daughter is feeling and get some counseling for all of them. But she still should have tough consequences for her behavior. And yes, lying about where you're going, gettin drunk and sleepin around is MISBEHAVING. Troubled teens need discipline and consequences too. Sorry that I'm rambling.

Valerie - posted on 03/21/2012

Caroline- I have to tell you that unless you have been in a similar circumstance with an out-of-control child, then I don't think you can understand what it's like in the least. Of course there are things in EVERYONE'S families that one could blame behavior on.. ask just about any drug addict or criminal that hasn't "reformed" and they will tell you it's everyone else's fault but their own. Ask most "non-out-of-control" teens and I can guarantee you that many of them ALSO have broken homes, younger siblings, split families, dealt with traumatic experiences. It comes down to personal responsibility. A teenager is not an adult, but is not a child- they are in between. After an out-of-control child has been out-of-control for an unreasonable amount of time, despite therapy, family/one on one time, deep talks, rehab, and whatever avenues most of us that need to legal systems help and have to learn how to give touch love have been down.. sometimes tough love is necessary. I have 3 kids that have all lived in the same household. One grew up to be a responsible, healthy, well-rounded individual- my twins took another road.. a hard road with drugs and alcohol and rebellion. There is so much more to dealing with this as the parent.. especially when other children are watching the older child and you worry that they will follow in the same footsteps... Tough love isn't hate!! Tough love is the hardest kind of love to give!! Valerie~~

Caroline - posted on 03/21/2012

Tabitha, I in no way think or stated that the daughters behaviour is appropriate only a symptom of a bigger problem. As for the Father first wife, respect is earned,not demanded. I can't say if the new wife has done anything to earn respect. I also agree that her behaviour is very dangerous and will lead her no where, but she is not an adult and doesn't have the cognitive ability to handle what she is going through as an adult, and that is why she is drinking, drugs and looking for love in all the wrong places. This is much more than misbehaving. Not cleaning your room or doing your homework is misbehaving. This girl is engaging in dangerous behaviour that is nothing more than a reaction to a larger problem she isn't mentally capable to handle because a teens brain isn't fully developed to handle it. As for you saying the Mother didn't ask how to get rid of her, what do you think when she said," Is there a way to ask the juvenile courts to get involved? I am already going thru post partum deppression! I don't think my health can handle anything else! " You go to the court to have your children taken out of the home. I'm so sick of reading tough love, how about love, kindness and carrying. I'm also sick of people saying don't judge the parent, but you all have no problem passing judgement on a child. I not only have a 15 year old Daughter I also take in and work with trouble teens, and guess what? The teens didn't ask for the problems they have to deal with they were caused by (this my shock you) there parents!,Divorce,poverty, sexual abuse,physical abuse, verbal abuse, neglect all cause my us Adult and God for bid it a child can't deal with it and acts out. I think some Parents should go to boot camp or have some tough love. I'm in now way saying this is true for this Mother all I'm saying is she should take a good look around and see what is causing her child to be so unhappy.

Michelle - posted on 03/21/2012

This mother needs support not judgement!

When I went through a divorce with my girls' dad my girls were 9 and 12. My oldest had a very difficult time...she cursed at me, she was very rude and mouthy and skipped school. It only got worse for awhile. I tried everything...counseling, mom and daughter time and talks were just a few of things I did. When I remarried my husband and I together sought help and were advised to use tough love. It was extremely difficult...

She ran away to her dads and I knew if I made her come home she would continue to run away...Living at her dads was NOT a place for kids. She did whatever, whenever with whomever at whatever time of the day or night. So, I prayed without ceasing. She did not want to live with us because we have rules she couldn't live with. Everytime I seen her or talked to her I would tell her i love her and use only encouraging words. I did not lecture, yell or reprimand her for doing wrong. This was the most difficult time of my life!!



Today she is 23. She chose to take a more difficult road...But, we have a very good relationship! She loves and respects me more then anyone in her life! I thank God everyday for guiding me and for the support he provided me with!

Tabitha - posted on 03/21/2012

Caroline, regardless of changes in a child's life, they still need to learn how to deal with them. Drinking, doing drugs, lying about where she's at, getting into trouble in school and I'm assuming she's having sex since she showed up with hickeys, these are NOT appropriate ways to deal with it, period! Yes, there needs to be some family counseling. But she ALSO has to face the consequences of her actions. She has to learn that she can't just do whatever she wants and get away with it. These actions will get her nowhere as an adult which is just a few years away. I don't know this family but I can see a new wife saying don't come back over until you can respect me as the other adult in the house. And she would be justified in saying that, if the daughter is screaming and fighting with her and who knows what else. I didn't see anywhere in the OP that the mother and father do not love their child unconditionally. Unconditional love does not equal allowing her to do anything she wants(even if it's dangerous). You can love your child and still make the hard decisions to discipline them when they've misbehaved. In fact I have to wonder how much a mother loves their child if they aren't willing to teach them a lesson when they've done wrong. This mother is asking for help because she loves her daughter, she didn't ask us how to get rid of her.

Caroline - posted on 03/21/2012

First let me say I only know what you have written. Your Daughter's Father is remarried and has a NEW family that she is no longer allowed to be apart of because the New wife will not have her over. What happen to unconditional love from her Father? I don't care how bad your child acts you never and I mean never not see them or have them in your life....You have just had a NEW baby and so I assume a New Family and feel now you can no longer handle your Daughter. Your daughter is a part of a family that no longer excites and she is not wanted or fit in to any of the New families. I wonder why she is acting out and unhappy? So send her to juvenile court, boot camp, any were because she is to much of a pain in the ass. How dare your daughter expect unconditional love and support and a family. Her parents have moved on so why can she? Why should she acknowledge what she does when her role models don't. I'm sorry for your Depression but that is not your daughter fault but I'm sure her is paying the price. This child is scream at the top of her lugs I NEED HELP! and all she gets back is we can't or wont deal with you.

America3437 - posted on 03/21/2012

Simple..... She goes nowhere,talks to no one,get's to know her bed room real well and looses all gadgets including tv,laptop,mp3,cell phone. End of it! She would NEVER see anything but school and her room! PEORID!

Mary - posted on 03/21/2012

Everyone here has already said most of what needs to be said. I know of many parents in my community that have gone through this, or very similar situations. My heart goes out to you, I know it isn't easy.

Fortunately for me, my daughter is home-schooled and has avoided the outside influences of other school kids. Peer pressure is horrible and she may be struggling with something going on at school and taking it out on you. I know this isn't easy, but remember that when we yell or scream at someone, we usually do it at the ones we love and trust the most.

My son, who is now 16, has had episodes of being a 'smart mouth' to me. Most times, I let him vent and say what he wants to say to get it off of his chest. Then, when he is done, I share with him that his words have been hurtful and he can't talk to me that way. But, most importantly, I then ask him what's going on. That is usually when I find out what the culprit is to his negative behavior.

Open communication has to be present if you plan to get anything accomplished. Most would say it is too late, but I am a firm believer that a mother's love goes deep and with persistence and prayer, it can be done. It sounds to me as though maybe you need some mom/daughter time by yourselves. Do you have someone who can watch your baby? If so, let your daughter know that you would like to spend some time with her. Talk. Even if it's just to take a walk through the neighborhood. Talk. Get those lines of communication open so that you can find out what the hec is going on! Hope this helps ☺

Karen - posted on 03/21/2012

I have been threw this twice now. I have 4 kids ages 26, 23 18 and 17. Sounds like time for tough love. When my daughter started playing the same games you have described we called her out on each and every thing she pulled. She skipped school so we had the officer from her school go and pick her up in a squad car in front of her friends with lights and siren. Then she had to take a paper to each of her teachers daily to be signed by them to prove she was in class. When she tried drinking with her friends we would not let her go to their homes unless we called first and talked to the parents to be sure an adult would be home. She hated that one, said it was embarassing. Tough love does work as long as the punishment fits the crime and once you give a punishment you have to stick to it no matter what, no early release for good behavior. Its not easy but some kids need to learn the hard way. My 2 youngest are totally differant. I have never even had a call from school about them misbehaving, they don't smoke or drink and always are where they say they will be. I think thats more from seeing what happens in our family when you choose to not follow the rules..lol

Kim - posted on 03/21/2012

My only concern of giving her a taste of Jail at home is she could become a runaway...then how will everyone feel? Not saying there isn't a need to have a example made of where she could end up...but I think a program that does take them in and show them how it REALLY is in jail would be better then trying to make the home Jail...she already leaves...3rd largest crime in the WORLD is HUMAN TRAFFICING...do we really need to make it easier for them to add one more girl to their list and profits?

Tabitha - posted on 03/21/2012

She may not want an inmate but if she doesn't get her under control soon, that's what she's going to have! There has to be consequences for her actions. Mom might have to hurt a few feelings. She can't go out drinkin all night, come home with a hickey and scream at her mom and get a reaction like "Oh honey, what's bothering you, can mommy make it better?" Will that make the behavior stop? Absolutely not! Lay down the serious consequences and stick to them. Counseling is a great idea but not in place of discipline.

Caroline - posted on 03/20/2012

I would seek counselling and right away. Have you ever asked her (when she isn't drunk or high or angry at you) why she feels so much rage towards you? If you have did you react with anger or not validate her feelings with a," that's not true" response. Clearly she is deeply unhappy and needs to talk to a professional. I do not believe boot camp works. I have seen it just cause more animosity and hatred. Please do not assume to know what she has been through or going through. She may be trying to work out some very hard situations and not doing very well mentally herself. Be her hero and seek out help for her, not her prison guard. You want a loving daughter not an inmate after all!

Dina - posted on 03/20/2012

I would seek a counselor's help. There are free counseling sessions in your local universities. Check around and see where you can find professional help before things get worse. If you're a Christian or have any religious belief, PRAY! Both you and your daughter go to your local church to seek a priest's help. You will be in my prayers.

Tabitha - posted on 03/20/2012

Boot camp! As mentioned by previous posters. No cell phone, just a few outfits(take her favs away). All you HAVE to provide for her is food, clean clothes, toiletries/bathroom facilities and a bed to sleep in. I would take everything else and stand firm. She also needs to do some sort of report that requires research on her part. She can study the affects of her careless behavior!! STAND STRONG MAMA, YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE DEPENDS ON IT! Also, get an appointment with your personal doctor, get some help for your PPD. Good Luck.

Dawn - posted on 03/20/2012

Life as she knows it needs to come to a screeching halt before the sun goes down! Boot camp her butt.... Cell phone, gone; bedroom door, gone; every item in her room except her bed, gone. She needs to get a taste of what her life will be like if she chooses to continue to defy authority. Right now, you are her authority. You are also legally and financially responsible for what she does, and she is developmentally incapable of predicting the consequences of her actions. That's a scary thought. If she wants to act like a criminal, treat her like one. Give her a taste of what jail could be like. She wants to change clothes? That outfit better meet YOUR criteria. She wants to eat dinner? Inmates cook for one another, so she best get to the kitchen and get cracking. She wants her belongings back? SHE MUST EARN THEM, just like law abiding, contributing members of society. When my BFF & I snuck out on a regular basis, her dad screwed the windows shut, removed the fastener heads, and installed an alarm system to keep us in. I'm not saying out will be easy, just worth it. I have a 15YO daughter myself, and if it meant sleeping handcuffed to her to keep her safe,I wouldn't hesitate. Good luck, stay strong, and please keep reaching out for support. Oh, and make the doctor appointment to address the PPD. We must take care of ourselves if we are to care for another. It's not selfishness, it's being a good mother. I will be praying for you and your girl.

Michelle - posted on 03/20/2012

Have you tried calling OYA(Oregon youth authority)? When my daughter got into some trouble at age 12 we called OYA and they did a scare treatment. We took her and dropped her off. They told her it was a tour of what it would be like on the inside. They asked us to pick her up in 45 mins. Thank God it worked! She is graduated from HS works 3 jobs and goes to college FT.( I don't know how she does all that, but she does!) Its definitely worth a try!

Kat - posted on 03/20/2012

I know it hurts when they talk to you like they don't care and it sounds like somewhere along the way she has had some hard times. It has to make her hurt inside to know that her faimly doesn't want her either. The best thing to do is wait till she sobers up and pull up tight on the reins. She is is putting herself in danger by drinking and stayng out late. Before sitting down with her I would sit down and go over all the rules you know you can enforce and then sit down with her and remind her of the consequenses of her not abiding by them. She is going to get mad, they all do because they are @ that limbo of being an adult and just testing you. I think this calls for some counseling. There are a lot of resources out there that can assist you. Take her..she doesn't have to talk to them but you may surprised that since they are not threatening to her she might open up and talk. You are her last option it sounds like and I think the counseling is a good idea. My daughters 14 and was cutting. The cutting got bad one day that she cut her wrist too far. She is in counseling and I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes. Soemtimes they just can't open up and see how much they are loved! I wish you the very best. Kat

Michelle - posted on 03/18/2012

Call child services... If its a volunteer case you/ your child will have many more services/ resources available.

Debbie - posted on 03/18/2012

@Issa Lee, You definitely are NOT alone. Yes, It is THE most DIFFICULT SITUATION, because we as mother's, will ALWAYS get the blame; whether it be from the child or the father!~!! NO!!!~!!! You are not wrong with wanting her to go live with father, but as you stated, He really does NOT want to handle her problems or really have her live with him! So my question is How do you get him to take her? What will he say if you ask? OHHHHHHHHH and the boysssssss~~!!! SO RIGHT THERE!~!!!! When my daughter is involved with a boy, her whole attitude changes.....Most of the time for the better. You see, my daughter's father is a life time drug addict and would not get the help THE COURT ORDERED him to, at least 12 yrs. ago! There has been very little contact between the two of them! When she was young, it was much easier to make up stories or why she didn't here from him, especially when he was in jail, now she knows the truth. I ALWAYS knew this would affect her life. She was Very Promiscuous!!~!!!! VERY SCARY!!! All because of lack of love from father. She has done well for the last 8 months and has grown up so much. I too am not the healthiest, and I hate her having to see me in pain, I also suffer from depression. Issa, my daughter was actually put in to a Youth Center, but this was because she violated her probation, and ran away, again.....This was the best thing that happened to her, the WORST for me!~~!! It's such a shame, there really is no help, until they get into trouble legally. Like I said before, I would call children & Youth and Just ask a couple of questions. MAYBE they can help!~!!!! Tell them about her actions, and behaviors. I think what YOU are going to have to do, is call police, when she is in this kind of behavior???? Going through what I've been through, I would feel guilty ABOUT NOTHING!!! Let her hate you all she wants, you just keep telling her I Love YOu, it is VERY, VERY hard. Boy, YOU are really going through it. How old is the New baby? How is post-partum being treated? you are right YOUR HEALTH CAN NOT HANDLE THIS!!! I'll help any way I can. In my thoughts!!~!!! ♥

Kim - posted on 03/18/2012

If anything this should show you, you aren't alone! I do hope you give the theropy a chance...The more I read the more I see the issue being jealiousy, demanding attention. .I would bet you, she never even showed or told her father about her living with him or the letter. ! I think it was just to hurt you and get attention! Are you and your daughters father not able to continue being her parents? Even tho your not married being parents is hard to do, but you got to find a way to do it! Are you communicating with her father at all? My daughter did the "work each parent against each other" game, when we weren't communicating and being her parents that we needed to be. Please don't take that in a bad way, it happened to me! Call him, sit down on the phone or in person and discuss whats been going on, about her threats to move in with him...and find out if he even knew anything about it...If he didn't and is willing to give it a try and if she is involved with a guy I wouldn't let that make a difference..I would send her to her father.. After you send her and she wants to come back to your house and makes you promises that she will do better, make a contract...then let her know what the consquences will be, and if she faulters on the contract...make sure you stick with the punishment (stick with the consquences, never make one that you can't keep)!!!!



I did wake up one morning to find my daughter not in her bed....it is horrific! But....once you are able to finally get her to reveal her true feelings I truly believe she will say the samething my daughter did...and it all boiled down to the fact she felt it wasn't fair she didn't have a dad like her brothers father,...She felt left out...She felt like I didn't stand up for myself, and not standing up for myself was also not standing up for her! My daughter said after she finally revealed her true feelings and allowed herself to be a part of the family........looked at her step father and said QUOTE: "You have been more of a dad to me then my own father" She recently admitted she felt guilty for all the things she did and said back then, and worries her little brother will hate her.



Stay strong, because you are the one she is looking up to no matter what she says, she is trying to force your hand to fight for her. Making some one on one time with her will reveal the daughter you want......Call it a mom and daughter day...go shopping together or a movie, or the library...or walking, swimming..something she loves to do or used to love to do..or something you used to do with her that she enjoyed. At first she will still be angry and seem like it doesn't mean anything to her but thats her way of trying to make you pay for not doing it sooner...everything takes time!



One other thought...has she gotten on birth control? If so, that could have a lot to do with her negitive attitude. Just a thought!



Again I wish you the very best and hope we hear that you did seek out help for the PPB's and there is some kind of improvement with your daughter!

Issa - posted on 03/17/2012

Kim, thank you soooooo much I appreciate your advice! Wow I am glad to know that there's more moms on here with out of control teenagers! But I am grateful for the advice on here! I was starting to feel so alone in all of this with my daughter ! Again Thank you

Issa - posted on 03/17/2012

Wow! Thank you Debbie .... My daughter has an awful attitude towards me and everything ! Ughhhh! You know what she said 3 days after the incident she did!!!!! She says.... It's over already! Leave me alone already! I don't care about what you got to say!!!! I hate people that can't get over anything !!!!!!! This is what she shouted at me!!!!!! I told her she could go live with her dad! Shes been asking me for a whole year if she could go live with him and I said yes only if he gives me a letter or affidavit notarized stating he will take full responsibility !?? But nope! Never seen such letter from him! Of course not he doesn't want to deal with her and her behavior!!!!! So therefor I am left alone to deal with alllllll of her issues :/ !!!!!!!! My health just can't handle this anymore! Well I did tell her on Thursday she can go with her dad and now she says no I don't want to go!!!!!! But why not!!!!! Like my friend told me because there's a boy involved I am sure!!!!! So now she wants to stay living with me!!!!!! My health my stress my post partum depression my awful marriage!!! I can't handle much more!!!!!! I do feel the best place would be with her dad! Am I wrong to say that?????? I asked her how many times do I have to go thru this ? She says I can't tell you my future she says I might do it In a year or never!!!!!!!! She thinks this is allll a joke what she did! Shes doing alll of these things in front of my 4 year old who loves her sooo much and she treats her very bad she yells at her!!!! I am overwhelmed with my 14 year old already!!!!!!!!!!!!

Debbie - posted on 03/17/2012

@Valerie Van Steyn-Gregory, I have been through exactly what you posted!!! CREDIT TO YOU, MOM!!!~! I never imagined ANYTHING like this would happen to our family, as I have 3 other children, who never really gave me any problems. This one was with my youngest daughter, now 16, but trouble started at 12-13. I pray the other twin has enough in her to see what her sister has gone through. I pray they both have enough in them to see what YOU have been through, don't count on that, although,, they know in their hearts, BUT admitting it is a different story!!!I PRAY this is the END FOR YOU, and ME too!~!!!! NOTHING WORSE than waking up and finding your child IS NOT IN HER BED!!~!!! I can NOT imagine TWO!!~!!! I totally agree the best way is for police to get involved, and then unfortunately the courts. I Hate the SYSTEM, IDK about yours, but here, at the age of 14 and ^, parents have NO rights!!! (Once they are in the System). Blessing's & Prayers for you and yours. ♥

Debbie - posted on 03/17/2012

Yep, Your in for it!!!~!!! My youngest, now 16, was an ANGEL, so I thought!~!! After all, I had raised 3 other children, who are doing well. An Angel, with horns. LOL!!! Started at 12-13, OMG!!! By 14, Legal Trouble!!! SHOCKED, Not My Kid~~~OK, I will try and help or share my experience. I had put my daughter in counseling at 13, SHE HATED IT, but went. For 2yrs., NOT A CHANGE. As A matter of fact, things, got worse. Then Legal Trouble began. The first, was shoplifting. (And) Actually, yes, she def. was involved, BUT let another Girl put Stuff in her Back-pack. This was my first exp. with courts. I Could go on, but it's not necessary, YET. If I were YOU, I WOULD call Juvenile Probation and ask How they can help. If I am right, You will get NO WHERE!!! They will tell you, Not until Your kid gets in trouble? Or unless you want emancipation, which I doubt. I could be wrong, depending how involved your Juvenile System is. You could call Children and Youth and explain situation to them, and tell them you need some help with her, BEFORE the BIG TROUBLE STARTS, and IT WILL!!~!!!! This is nothing. It will get a lot worse, although, I should not say this is nothing, because I can feel your pain. You just can't believe what your dealing with and the MOUTH!~!!! Right? VERY FRUSTRATING~~~!!~~!!! (and) I imagine she doesn't care about consequences, just ignores you or whoever when it comes to grounding her or punishing her??? YOUR best bet is C & Y . I really feel YOUR pain. I wish I had Called one of the above services sooner. However, my experience with Juvenile Court is they WILL not help until the child gets in legal trouble; and let me tell you, THEN, you wish they NEVER got involved. YOUR child becomes IN THE SYSTEM, and THEY have EVERY RIGHT in the world, and guess what? YOU HAVE NONE!!~!!! ages 14 and ^.......Yep. Keeping you and Yours in my prayers...Peace. ♥

Kim - posted on 03/16/2012

Issa,



My heart goes out to you, its so difficult to have our own children hurt us....they don't think about how it will come back to them. I have been very lucky with my children in so many ways. My oldest daughter (12 years between her and her little brother) was always trying to tell me how to raise my son. It all boiled down to the fact she was jealious, she didn't like seeing me give him the attention she didn't remember getting...which in reality she was way more spoiled then he ever was. She never had to want for anything, had the best of everything because I was married to her father and had way more financial security then I did with our son since his father and I were seperated and had lost contact for a while. She had way more attention then her brother did due to having two parents present in her life, she doesn't remember hardly anything from her childhood at the younger years. When she was 16-17-18-19 it was a constant battle with her over her younger brother. I would explain to her that one day she will see things through matue eyes and regret things she said or did and she does...I did the hard love by making my daughter make a choice, either she was to go to college, get a job or move out. Sadly she chose the move out but within a week she was calling me and letting me know I was right and she was wrong. I didn't ask her to move back in even tho she had seen the light (so to speak) or it would have all been in vein. If she would have been at risk of being on the streets I would had but she wasn't, she made her choice and had to live with it.



I think most of your problem from what you posted is due to your daughter being jealious of not recieveing the attention she once knew. Jealious that you (assuming your remarried not to your daughters father) and she feels as an outsider...as my daughter put it when my son's father came back into our lives said "You guys look like the perfect family". I had left her father because he was emotionally abusive...it wasn't just directed to me but also to her. So she was also upset her father wasn't the kind of father... her brothers father was/is.



You didn't mention your daughters age which I think can have a lot to do with what suggestions should be made, but from the info you gave us, I am assuming she is still in school, either jr. or high school. I believe couseling would be a must for all of you. This way they can help you all understand what the true meaning behind all the words and actions that are placed in your lives.



I also Agree with Stephanie about seeking help with your Post Partum Blues, it would benefit not only you but your whole family!



I do have concerns with leaving a paper trail on children before seeking out the more emotional/mental health path simply because...how is that paper trail going to help these children when they are out on their own??? Who will want to hire them? Who would want to take the risk of hiring someone that shows such outwardly defiance on paper...which will follow them the rest of their lives! I could understand taking those steps if counseling didn't help either but not until that road had been traveled. As an example of why I say this is ...take the movie "A Time To Kill" when the defendants phsycaligst took the stand the Dist. Attorney discredited him because of a Statatory Rape Charge, when in the end they found out that he was 23 and the girl was 17, she had his baby and was still married to the man 30 years later.... but it gave the impression he was a horrid preversed, dirty old man and devalued his testimony until they learned the truth...which doesn't always come out in real life. Another example...I have a girlfriend that lost custody of her daughter because her momma claimed she had her babygirl in a stroller in the rain. Due to her age and a paper trail from her younger years left everyone thinking she was a bad mother when in reality she didn't own a stroller, and never took her daughter in a stroller, in the rain..and her momma wanted another baby but couldn't so she thought...hey I can take hers...and when her momma wanted to get out and start meeting men and the baby was in the way she took her and dumped her off back at my friends house. Who was right and who was wrong? Making Judgements without all the info can be the worst mistakes anyone can make....some are done just to make ourselves look better and not really letting the true reason of our actions be known.



I wish you the best, and hope you keep us updated...but please as suggested before, take care of yourself so you can take care of your family!

Valerie - posted on 03/15/2012

About cell phones- I have to say that at first it would be a day, or a weekend, or a week.. but eventually I did have them disconnected and still have yet to get them another one.. and honestly I don't think I will.. they will need to get a job and get their own.. alot of parents on COM give me flack for this, but I will stand my ground on the fact that they weren't using their phones appropriately- they were being used from setting up drug deals, to parties and their little runaway sessions, to texting/IM'ing with much older men (in their 20's)... They have adjusted just fine and I will NOT accept the excuse of "I don't have a cell phone" when I tell them they MUST call me whenever they get wherever they are going. For 1, I take them/drop them off and make sure I go in, introduce myself to parents and or the kids and get a parents or the other childs (or both) cell phone and/or home phone numbers, and if my kids end up somewhere that they claim they "coudln't call me" from.. well.. that's not a place they are allowed to go anymore.. really the probation and legal system is seriously helping me alot. The restrictions they put on them like 6pm curfew, and it is actually written in the probation agreement/terms that I must know where they are at, at all times. If I don't, I call the probation officer and report it.. take the help the legal system can provide.. not that you need them to raise your child, but when you have a child breaking laws, and doing these things, it's extremely stressful on us as parents- and YOU are very vulnerable with having post--partum depression, in fact we are all very vulnerable regardless.. that just adds more to it! I agree with Stephanie- make sure you take the time to take care of YOU! I am learning how to do that over the past 6 months.. and it has made me a stronger person. It helps me cope with all the court dates, the stress of worrying what's going to happen to my kids, or me for that matter... hang in there! And vent, vent, vent away!!!!!

Stephanie - posted on 03/15/2012

Issa-it"s Stephanie- I have 2 boys 16 and 18 and boys are just so much easier at this age. i am also a RN- (ob/gyn!)and am worried about YOU. Post partum depression is devastating- had a mild case with my 2nd. But I know when it is bad it is horrible. Do you have people who are looking out for your welfare and the new baby? How old is the new baby? Please take time every day to take care of your own needs. You are in a rough spot. If you need help call your ob doc"s office and tell them you are feeling PPD- the nurses there should also be able to help with that issue.



I think the post from valerie is really good too- Your daughter has to deal with natural consequences of her actions. My son"s both went through a snotty age about 14 and they kinda grew out of it. But I was really clear that disrespecting me was not allowed in my home. if she doesn't answer when you text her to find out where she is- does she really need a phone? I bet you are paying for it too. (Taking the phone away for one day about killed my kids and stopped the back talk.) I also took bedroom doors away for slamming them-and wow to kids hate not having a door! Good luck girl! and remember you matter a lot! Stephanie

Valerie - posted on 03/15/2012

Hello! I have lived through everything you posted, and now my girls (two of them.. twins...) are 16... they started about age 13 or so.. I did call the back of my insurance card when I found out they were dabbling into more than just alcohol.. I got them into out-patient rehab.,... things got worse.. they both ended up in in-patient rehab-- one of them twice.. then back to outpatient.. they were in that over a year.. around April or May of last year.. after a year and some months of this, they "graduated" them out of the rehab for a few reasons.. my insurance wasn't paying anymore, it was more of the rehab taking on my girls with me out of the love of their job and for my kids.. but the way the put it "they are rehabbed out"- they were just going every day like they were supposed to, but just going to be social and going through the motions, but getting nothing out of it other than socializing with their other friends who were still in the same frame of mind as them, to party whenever possible... I decided to uproot them from that area, with the mindset of a change of counties/friends/schools (when they were going, which wasn't often..) would "cure" it all.. I was in a rocky marriage as well.. so I left it behind and me and my girls got a nice apartment in an upscale town. I got them enrolled in an upscale school- which all just completely backfired on me.. they didn't want "nice".. they wanted their old friends, their old ways, and to party... BUT... on the flip side, this new upscale town in a county with more money, there were new and better resources and much more police involvement.. they both ran away multiple times.. It got to where at least once a week I was calling in runaway reports.. usually on a Thursday or Friday.. then they would "disappear" until Sunday, then I would get a call from them they wanted to be picked up and were right back in our old neighborhood.. cancel the missing persons reports.. etc..etc.. etc... the cutting school got worse.. the drug use/abuse escalated as well as the alcohol.. but instead of me being the one catching them all the time, the police started catching them.. well... not it's been almost a year since we moved to this new community and one is in juvenile hall right now as she finally had to go to court for the multiple tickets ranging from smoking cigarettes and excessive truancy to drug charges and paraphernalia.. she got put on probation then violated her probation earlier this month.. she is supposed to be coming home with an ankle bracelet on the 22nd.. and I truly think she is ready to straighten up.. this last time where she has actually had to feel REAL consequences by being in juvenile hall has made a real impact on her.. the other twin is just started all her court stuff next month.. hopefully she took to heart what happened to her sister when she broke probation.. it's sad and hard.. but truly as everyone says- until they want to change, they won't.. and until the charges really add up and they face some serious consequence, in my girls mind they felt like "well, we get away with it anyways.. the worse we get is a citation and so why stop?"-- now the real consequences are coming... (and yes, at home I had already taken away everything from cell phones to the bedroom door- literally!!)-- Good luck.. it's hard.. I have heard more times than I can count that it's my fault, they hate me, they want to live anywhere else but with me... that's not them talking, that's the drugs and alcohol and outside influences... my daughters are still inside there somewhere.. and I am HOPING I am on the upswing of all of this.. Good luck and I truly hope you don't have to watch your child do everything mine did.. everyone's "bottom" is at a different place... and until they truly want to change, as teens they have their own minds unfortunately, and we can't force them to change, or want to change.. it's now up to them... Valerie~~

Issa - posted on 03/14/2012

Hi Stephanie... Thank you very much for your advice! I reallllly appreciate it! I do agree she needs sum kinda scare ! I am going thru post partum depression, my marriage is on a rocky road right now! Then this! My daughter is always getting into trouble ! Either home or school! She has two court dates coming up soon! For getting caught ditching at the park in the morning! :(( ! I am soo very sad & disappointed buy her actions her behavior ! Just everything! I am so glad I joined this site! I really need someone to talk to and ask ? To. Thank you verrrrrry much Stephanie

Stephanie - posted on 03/14/2012

Hi- sometimes they are so rough on families! I know this would be hard but it might help snap her out of her behavior- coinsider calling the police. Report her as missing and let her get caught drunk etc. They won"t jail her or anything but she would then be involved in the "system" and hopefully learn that she can"t behave that way. She is young and if you can stop this stuff now with some "tough love" you might be saving her life.

(And you have to be careful of your own and new baby's health.)

Issa - posted on 03/14/2012

I need advice please