Responsible teen or young adult?

Michelle - posted on 09/09/2012

with the disney program, he would be living,working and attending classes here in Fl.

Alison - posted on 09/09/2012

The problem is, he does not receive financial aid. We live in Washington state so the disney world thing probably wont work out so well. It sounds great though. He is in a program paid for by the state that is similar to running start so that makes it hard. Thanks for the advice though.

Michelle - posted on 09/08/2012

UPDATE: My three oldest daughters have all been placed in Advanced Placement Classes for the school year. The eldest,who is almost 16, is also taking a few college classes. I'm so very proud of each of them. As for the youngest, we just received conformation from the doctor that she has sever ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder as well as reactive attachment disorder,(which baffles me as she is always in our lives,idk). So for now, before we move onto pills I have decided along with her dr, that counseling as well as herbal treatments and thereputic riding,(all of the girls now have horses) is a good place to start. If nothing has changed in six months we will re visit the issue and go from there. Oh well, life happens, still love the little devil, lol. Hope everyone is doing ok.

Michelle - posted on 09/08/2012

has he thought about the Work Study program at either Walt Disney World or Sea world here in Orlando? It is a college program, not only will he attend classes but he will also be working. Housing and food are provided for the duration. Check it out and see what you can come up with. Congrats to you for doing so well. Yes, if there were a book we would all be much happier, lol. My opinion is this, if he receives the financial aid(pell grants will cover the books and most of tuition, he will not need to pay it back as long as he keeps a c or above), his cost would be MINIMAL. Most student loans are set up so that you begin to repay after your secure in the field you chose. Mine were, so I was able to pay them off very quickly as I was working while attending classes and saving money. All in all sounds like you have it under control.

Alison - posted on 09/06/2012

Kristi, thank you for your response. It just helps to get some other opinions! There is no book that tells us how to do this. I certainly wish there was.

Kristi - posted on 09/06/2012

Alison--



It sounds like you are being very logical and responsible. There is nothing in your post that is unreasonable or enabling. If you are able to afford/provide a better educational experience for your child that is awesome. As long as your son continues to improve and do well, I would definitely support that. Setting expectations for your son is important. Like you said, he (as do all teens) needs to learn the value of a buck. If he is unable to find a job, for real, or if his studies go downhill as a result of him having a job then maybe you can have him do things around the house. He can stain the deck, mow the lawn, clean out the garage, etc. to earn some pocket change.



Pizza delivery is a great idea. Most people tip pretty well nowadays. Has he applied at any restuarants, tips, tips, tips! I made it through my early 20's waiting tables and slinging drinks. This was back in the 90's and I usually made $100/night just in tips. Sometimes, though you have to man up (or put your big girl panties on for daughters) and you have to "lower your standards" and work in fast food. As mentioned, this economy is tough. We have to take what we can get and then be grateful for it. A lesson we all have to learn a time or two.



IMO, you should stick to your guns. You are making good choices for everyone's well being. You are not asking too much nor are you letting him slide. I say good job. Good luck in your studies and I hope things will turn out well.

Alison - posted on 09/05/2012

Shawwn, thank you for the encouragement. He is going to be 18 in October. I suggested pizza delivery because they always seem to be hiring and its easy money. The deal was that if he gets a job, he gets the car. If he delivers pizzas, he will need the car. I know he has applied at safeway, but you are right. There isn't much out there right now.

Shawnn - posted on 09/05/2012

Alison, paying for books is an allowable expense, in my opinion. It's a world of difference between school expenses and fun expenses.



Has your boy tried looking at the local supermarket to be a courtesy clerk? Or is there an opportunity for "work study" at the college? I'd suggest to him to check into both. With the economy the way it is (if you're in the US), jobs have been few and far between. My just turned 18 yo found the same problem when he was job hunting. He's now a courtesy clerk at Safeway, and he was so relieved to get that call!



Best of luck to both of you, as you get the details worked out about things!

Alison - posted on 09/04/2012

I found this post when I was looking for ideas about how responsible a teen should be. I have a 17 year old, who will be 18 in October. He goes to school at a college and will be getting his AAS at the same time as his diploma. This was his decision, with my approval. He has really been through a lot in the last 3 years and has suffered from a little bit of depression and like most boys, is very immature for his age. That being said, I have been trying to get him to look for a job. I thought it would be a good idea for him to learn the value of a dollar by working and making his own money. He has been "looking" for the last year and a half. He has a car that was given to him by my mom that is sitting out in the driveway because I refuse to pay for the insurance on it. I think if he wants to drive a car, he should probably be paying for his own gas and for his insurance to drive it. I also think that if he wants to go to the movies, etc that he should find a way to pay for it.



The biggest problem is that my fiance and I do not agree with what I help him with. He is doing so much better in this new school, but it does come with some expense. For example, he has to have books for his classes. There are 3 classes starting in the Fall and books are almost $300. I feel like I should be paying for things that involve his education. My fiance completely disagrees and thinks we should be telling him no on the books. That he needs to get a job to pay for the books and any other educational expenses.



Is it not my job to make sure he gets an education? I do not make a lot of money and I am in school myself so when the time comes for him to go on to a university, I think he should apply for whatever financial aid he needs and take out loans/work for his education. I don't want him to have a completely free ride, but I think I should help him out with some of it. Thoughts?

Michelle - posted on 08/03/2012

Gabrielle, thank you. Sorry about your brother, kids will be kids I guess. Feel free to ad me.

Michelle - posted on 08/03/2012

Gabrielle, thank you. Sorry about your brother, kids will be kids I guess. Feel free to ad me.

Gabrielle - posted on 08/03/2012

i have a lot of respect for your daughters. my youngest brother is 11. he is the only 1 out of 7 kids who still lives with my mother and she cant even get him to take the trash out. its sad.

Michelle - posted on 08/03/2012

very true Kristin, on all fronts. We are all entitled to our opinions. I did not tell her to post, nor will i PREVENT her from doing so whenever she wishes. As for her choice in education, her grades and achievements are such that OSU and any other Ivy league would accept her. There is a fine line between rude/disrespectful and upfront and honest. I view the former as foul language, direct or indirect slander or total disreguard for anothers opinion. The latter is speaking ones mind with oiut all the huff and puff of foul language and the rest.

Kristi - posted on 07/26/2012

Michelle-- "Maybe if more people were blunt, upfront and honest this world would be a better place, however that isn't ever going to happen"



There is a difference between upfront and honest and rude and disrespectful. But those who are the latter, don't really comprehend the difference. They, also, mistake belligerence for bluntness and let like minded 13 year olds fight their battles. I would be, first, embarrassed if my child got on an adult website in an attempt to defend me and then, second, used "text" speak to do so, making us both look ignorant and trivial. If she keeps that up, she'll be lucky to make it into a community college. (There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to a CC but in relation OSU and Oxford, it's a far cry.)



As been made clear here, we all have the right to parent our children as we see fit. I'm teaching my daughter about respect, how to give it, how to earn it, and how to keep it. She knows that first impressions last a lifetime and if you're not careful your first impression can end up being your last. Integrity and respect are two very important things that money can't buy. So regardless of her/your/my opinion, without those two qualities, one will never be taken seriously. Condescention and popping off at the mouth in the name of honesty are two, surefire ways to lose one's credibility and trustworthiness. I taught her to be assertive and not aggressive. IMO, encompasing these philosphies will make her/you/me a better person, which will make this a better place.



In any event, since everyone is discussing parenting techniques, I thought I'd throw in my two cents. You can keep 'em or you can throw 'em back, either way is fine with me.



eta

Kristin - posted on 07/25/2012

Michelle,
I am very happy for you that your kids are good and you are proud of them. I let my kids have opinions as well but they were taught to be respectful and polite when speaking their minds, I also taught them to respect other peoples opinions. My son uses text talk to with his friends on tecxt messages not on an online website to defend his mother. My son also pays for things he wants like games, etc but I pay for all his needs. I think that it is ok to be honest and blunt but you also have to respectful and be adult like. But as long as you are happy with your kids and your parenting style than thats all that matters.

Shawnn - posted on 07/25/2012

Ok, so, in fact, you aren't abiding by the SSA regulations. Really, I could care less, but people that do not abide by the regulations of the organization are the same people who screw up the system for everyone else.

I am glad that you have no problem with your daughters being disrespectful! They're your daughters. I would never allow my sons to express themselves in such a disrespectful manner. I'm not saying that they can't have opinions, nor am I saying that those opinions should not be expressed, but I am saying that they can be expressed in a manner that is respectful of everyone.

But, hey, whatever! As you said, we all have different parenting styles, and I'll stick with mine. At least, when my kids are dealing with other adults and their peers, they are able to do so on an adult level, rather than resorting to teen speak and berating others for offering an opinion.

Did you ever bother to explain to your daughter that YOU solicited opinions? That WE did not arbitrarily seek you out to pick on you? Didn't sound like it.

Michelle - posted on 07/25/2012

Kiristin, they dont HAVE to ay for anything, they CHOOSE to. As for their grammar, my daughters prefer to use texting abrvivations rather than spell the full words,(its a kid thing). I don't mind. As for their "lack of respect for other adults", my daughters are given free reign to speak their minds whenever they so choose. I had my oldest at 17,(she will be 16 in march), so the whole I was a teen mom thing kind of doesnt bug me. My children decided to pay for their things themselves. I'm not beinging snobbish, I'm very blunt and upfront. If that comes off as snobby, oh well. Maybe if more people were blunt, upfront and honest this world would be a better place, however that isn't ever going to happen.

Shawnn- My daughters have full access to THEIR money. So far, we have no problems. Once the money hits my account, I pull it and place it in their accounts. Plus, as I said, the two eldest have jobs.

Just because we have two differant parenting styles, does not mean either style is wrong. It just means we are differant people. My children have the right and privalage of choice on everything. I also have never had ANY kind of problems with them, not even back talking, so I think for a mother of 4 who had ALL4 by the time i was 21, I have done dern good.

Kristin - posted on 07/10/2012

Well that explains how your kids have money in the bank lol. It is sad that their father passed away and it is sad that they have to use that money to pay for their own braces and other medical expenses. Personally if my children received a benefit like that I would not even let them know about it or use it until they reached college age and that would be used to pay for college. As for the babysitting jobs i find it very hard to believe they make that much weekly babysitting, as daycares dont even cost that much, but kudos to them if they really do make that much. Another thing if my 13 yr old came online to defend me and had that much grammar issues and lack of respect for other adults than maybe you should invest the SSI money into a tutor for them so that they have a chance of being successful in college one day. My 16 yr old has worked part time since he was 14 and he also has a nest egg set aside as well we have a college fund for him but never once would he have to pay for contacts or braces. If he wanted to more expensive ones and we couldnt afford it so sad he gets the cheaper ones, thakfully my kids all have perfect teeth with no cavities and do not require braces, but I would not expect my 13 yr old child to have payments for a year on braces. That would be for me as his mother to pay for. Also, I cant believe how snippy you are lots of people in the world struggle to survive and that is nothing to feel ashamed about. I struggled foe years myself as a teenage single mom in college and am now in a secure finacial situation but money goes quick nowadays and it is nothing to spend over 100,000.00 in college and university degrees so you dont have to be snopbby about it. My kids will all have to work when they go to school and thats just the way it is.

Shawnn - posted on 07/10/2012

You know, I was thinking about this last night, and I'm not sure that you having those SSI payments turned directly over to them is admissible by the SSA...considering that when I was going through the process to set up my sons' payments, they were most definitely NOT allowed to have them in an account that they had full access to.

As a matter of fact, they called our bank to make sure that the kids would not have full access and spending authority, and I'm not even allowed to put it into an account that they would have full access to. So...the fact that you are giving them full access to SSI payments that should be sent in your name for the children seems a bit off.

Granted, I'm not privy to your situation, but our case agent was pretty adamant that the system is the same for everyone, and that minor children are not to be allowed spending access to the SSI payments....You may want to make sure that you're abiding by the agreement with SSA regarding the availability of accessible funds to minors.

Ramona - posted on 07/09/2012

Braces can be medically needed in some cases. Contacts may be needed for certain eye disorders as well, I have keraconus, that makes them needed. Contacts are also needed for many athletes, try wearing a hockey helmet with glasses!!

Michelle - posted on 07/08/2012

Amanda G, thank you. And your right, at least they wont have to take out loans for education, which is a relief for the girls and i.(gabby wants to go to osu and tracy wants Oxford(over in the UK.))Again, thank you for your in put.

Amanda - posted on 07/08/2012

Considering the posters children are working it is understandable they would have a good sized savings account. I do think it is awesome that her kids are able to be responsible and save for their fun expenses and even SOME med expenses (IE braces. contacts) only because I personally don't feel contacts or braces are a medical necessity. Their medications might be a touch much but that is my opinion. If your kids are happy healthy and your home is as well then be proud of your kids and enjoy the fact you wont be taking out $$$$$$$$$ in loans for their educations like mom like me will.

Ramona - posted on 07/03/2012

So, it is not their money, it is a benefit MEANT to help children whena parent passes away. It is meant to help with glasses, contacts, clothes and such. They can't sign checks, they have an attorney to do that. My kids, thank heavens, still have their dad and they would rather have him that a monthly check from Uncle Sam. My dd is headed off on a 15 day adventure she paid for herself and has money in the bank, so what? What does that prove? Will it guarantee success? I know some people who were awful, lazy kids and grew into great adults and vice versa. I do hope your daughter uses some of that bank roll for tutoring lessons.

Shawnn - posted on 07/03/2012

Yeah, I did get it Kristi, and giggled like a madwoman! You and I think a lot alike, I've noticed in our boards :-)

Kristi - posted on 07/02/2012

Shawnn--So glad you got that! ; p

Shawnn - posted on 07/02/2012

Michelle, if my kid wanted me to relay a message such as that, I'd have a serious talk with them about a few things, the most minor would be proper sentence structure, and grammar.

My kids get SSI payments as well. Their savings accounts are WELL above your kids, as they've been getting payments longer. Your snippy little comment about "Sorry if any ONE of my daughters has more in their acocount than you,not my problem" is uncalled for. So is your "daughter's" comment...I think it said that "you are not a good example". But, I don't read "text" speak. My kids aren't allowed to text like that, nor to write, nor email with such abysmal grammar.

I'm VERY well off, thank you, due to 23 years of hard work, and saving. Don't lecture me on saving, dear. You wanted opinions, and we posted opinions. Yes, I agree any EXTRAS need to be paid by the kids. Computers, cell phones, clothing above and beyond the necessary, any extra procedures incurred for reasons of vanity or fashion. BUT...basic parental responsibility is physicians, food, and any necessities. You cannot tell me that your kids regular doctor visits are considered a "frivolous expense" by yourself, and therefore not covered under your dime.

IMO, it's a little much.

Michelle - posted on 07/01/2012

Kristi,



I'm sorry about your ex. Mine was a real ass, I'm glad he died,(and so are my kids,he was abusive). But yes, go to your local scocial services office with her, ask about getting her in classes for child care and then ask about red cross certification for cpr. Once she has those, she CAN,WILL and has the RIGHT to require higher pay over teens that do not have them. We live in Orlando Fl. how the heck did you break your foot?



It isnt that we are privilaged, far from it. I know the single mom route very well. All of the sleepless night over rent,electric,water etc... Which is I guess WHY I'm so proud of my daughters. Because I know they can save and that when they go off to college(scares the hell out of me)that they will be able to fend for themselves. The people I know, I have known since I was a child. My mother hasnt helped me at all. My uncle and aunt tossed me out at 16 when they found out I was pregnant with my oldest.So from 16 on I had to fend for myself and my 1st daughter. I married at 18 to a prick who left alot of bruises and the last straw was him beating me while I was 6 1/2 mo along with a son, loosing both my 5th child and the ability to EVER have another. So stop thinking just because of the accolades(no coffee pardon my spelling) that we are privilaged. Untill you know us, stop being so rude. Life is turkey baster and we lived it, now we are doing better. I hope things get better for you.



Chelle.



p.s

add me as a c.o.m friend and if you ever want to vent just msg me.

Kristi - posted on 07/01/2012

Shoot! I guess I should be watching other people's kids...maybe I'll tell my douche bag ex-husband to start baby sitting, then he could pay child support. Then maybe my savings would replenish itself faster after braces, tubes in her ears, broken foot...

Hey, we're not as privledged and we don't know several psychiatrists but my daughter is good people, where do you live? Maybe your daughter could give my daughter a referral so she can get the hook up, too. A quick description for potential employers; A well mannered, well educated gymnasist who loves kids and is willing to cook and do light housework. Now that you made us aware of these extra courses, she can add them to her "resume" once she completes them! Oh this is delicious! What an eye opener! Anything you could do to help is greatly appreciated, you're a doll!

Michelle - posted on 06/30/2012

my two oldest each have very well paying child care(baby sitting jobs), as they are both redcross cpr certified they were able to charge more, as well as having taken a class from Child Protective Services for child care. The two oldest each recive a pay of $400 and $350 respectively from the familes of the children every week. so on average my daughters make more than most people working a minimum pay job. and yes, taxes are filed.

Michelle - posted on 06/30/2012

Savings tip from a 13 yr old, we never spend more than wht we nd.My braces were pd off in a yr with instalments. Momma said if i wanted smthn diff i wld mk the payments. stp bein so mean to my momma. just cause u cant save money doesnt mean you gotta be mean to ppls tht cn. and you call urself a grown up.from a 13 yr old, ur a poor example.

Michelle - posted on 06/30/2012

My daughters have these funds courtosy of SSI from their fathers passing, as well as all the birthday and christmans cards they have recived since birth.Before each of them were born I started and account for them. They can legally write checks, ask a bank and then please proceed to ask a financial attorney. As for them paying for thier medical(braces, contacts,)it was due to them wanting a style more expensive than what I was willing to pay for. Plus, my 2 oldest, 15 and 13(gab will be 14 in a week) have weekly babysitting jobs whch earn a tidy amount. I have spoken with thier doctor as well as several child psychologist(family friends), and they all agree, as long as my girls are happy and healthy, than this is an excellant wa to teach and prepare. Sorry if any ONE of my daughters has more in their acocount than you,not my problem. I'm very proud of them.

Kristin - posted on 06/29/2012

Shawnn,

I have never heard of such a thing before to be honest. Part of being a parent is taking on the cost of medical and dental bills with kids. I agree they must have generous gifters lol

Shawnn - posted on 06/29/2012

Kristin,

My guess is that they have very generous gifters to have this kind of money at their ages.

Yeah, responsibility is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but IMO, expecting your kids (all under the age of 15) to take care of their bills is pretty harsh.

Kristin - posted on 06/29/2012

Thats is great your kids are so responsible. I dont personally feel that they should be paying for their own braces and medical bills as that to me is part of parenting but if they are willing to pay for it than great for them. Just curious though because I have a 16 yr old son and he saves half his paychewques and he cant afford to pay for braces and all that stuff. He works part time and goes to school and he pays for items he wants but i guess i am confused as to where your kids find the money for all that?

Shawnn - posted on 06/29/2012

Well, perhaps it's because they consider children under the age of 18 to be too young to be paying for THEIR OWN medical, dental, and optical bills. These are YOUR responsibility as their parent.

Also, I'm in agreement with Kristi, who asks exactly how 4 minors, that are not legal age to work have such spectacular savings? I mean, my kids have over $3000 in each of their accounts, but they get payments for SSI from their dad's disability.

Like Kristi, my kids are allowed to spend 1/2 of what they get for gifts, and save the other, and by the age of 15, my son's savings would have been around $1000, but not if I'd made him pay for his medical, dental, and optical expenses.

I'm surprised to see that you didn't say they're paying room and board, too, actually.

and, no, I'm not jealous that your girls are this "benefited". I think that it's pretty rotten, actually, that you expect them to cover expenses that are, in fact, your parental responsibility.

The phones, computers, etc...now I'm all for making them pay for those. My kids do, as well. But their basic needs, that I'm responsible for, I pay for. I don't make them do it, even though my eldest offered to use his savings to help pay $20000 in medical bills that he incurred.

Ramona - posted on 06/29/2012

Because a check signed by a minor is not legal. Just like they can't sign a contract, etc...

Kristi - posted on 06/29/2012

Just out of curiousity where do 3 girls under the legal age to work and 1 who does not yet have a high school education, get the money to maintain a "no less than a thousand dollars" balance, especially when they are paying for high ticket items like braces? I only ask because my daughter, who is 13, also has had straight A's since Kindergarden, is on the gymnastics team (that goes year round so it's the only one she does during school, in the summer she goes to camps), she goes to homework club everyday after school, has never been in trouble, but we can't come up with that kind of money for a savings account. She gets money for birthdays, holidays and some chores. Since she doesn't have to pay for health care, utilities yet, she is allowed to spend half and save half. That way if she wants a new leo but doesn't NEED a new one, she has the money to buy it herself. Actually, if you could tell ME how 4 young children have $4,000 between them, that would be great because my checking account never has as much as one of theirs and I am a responsible adult with an education. Any extra income tips would be greatly appreciated!! ; )

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

It is great that you have taught them how to be responsible but in all honesty medical bills, braces,meds, glasses to me those should be coming out of your pocket not theirs the rest yes I whole heartedly agree with you but some things are the parents responsibility not the child don't force them to grow up so quickly allow them to enjoy their youth and not have to worry about money.