setting limits for a new teenage mother who lives at home...

Thais - posted on 11/17/2009 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My soon to be 17 y/o just had a baby, we have a busy family of 6 now 7, her boyfriend wants to visit the baby who's less than a week old, I feel like I'm being mean when I dictate the times and frequency of his visits. I need to keep things running in the home, but don't want to short change my daughter and grandchild. That's not my goal. But I do need my own privacy and our family is going through a big adjustment as it is.

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JuLeah - posted on 06/18/2011

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I love that he wants to visit! He is part of the family now too.
Is there space they can be that is a bit seperate from the rest of the house?
They will honor the time frame you set up, I am sure. An hour in the morning, and afternoon ....

Karen - posted on 06/17/2011

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I think it's great that you are still raising her as a teen and not allowing her to think she is an adult now. And i understand where you want to limit the dad's time spent there. But in my opinion, he should be helping to take care of his child while he is there if not already. Not just little playtime visits. I'd encourage him to help feed/change/dress the baby for the amount of time he is there. If he doesn't have any responsibility other than spending time with the child, then it's like he's getting too much of a bargain. He needs to learn what fatherhood is all about. I wouldn't allow the 2 teens to be alone together, in fear of it happening again. But I would encourage him to help out while spending time outside of your daughter's bedroom.

Valerie - posted on 11/28/2009

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This is a tough one. You do need your time and time to adjust and the new mother and baby need bonding time with the father. Setting a schedule might be the best thing to do. Father's benefit from positive supportive bonding time in the beginning. I acknowledge your generosity and flexibility to help your daughter raise her daughter in your home.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/19/2009

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Ok a litle differant persective. I was a teenage mother. My daughter is now 18. I was still in high school when I was pregnant with her. This is a VERY delicate time. Here is my advice to you. DONT LET HIM MOVE IN! Make him resposible without letting him move in. They made a choice together to have sex and they have to deal with the consquences. Right now she may be thinking he is the one! Most girls do. Give him the opportunity to prove it. She needs to stay in school and make the most of what she has. I know this is hard for you as the parent but looking at it from what she is going through, she still needs you. Regardless of what she is saying. If they decide to move in together it should not be under your roof. Adult actions require some adult thinking. She will get to the point where she respects what you are doing for her now.

I say this because my parents let him move in.. we got married... had two more children. Somehow in my teenage mind I thought because he moved my parents oked everything I had done. It was somehow ok I was now an adult. I now know I was not an adult just because I had a child. My oldest is 18 and a great girl. Thank God she is making the right decissions in her life. I will never regret having my children or even being married to an abusive spouse. I have three beautiful girls. I do however wish things had happened differently. I always tell my girls to take time, have hi treat you with respect (open doors, being polite) If he really wants you, you are the prize he needs to be continually fighting for. If your daughters boyfriend wants to be there he will make every attempt to me there! He will be the man who will fight for his prize! Keeep ground rules! For the love of your daughter, and your grandchild! I really hope everything works out for all of you!

Gail - posted on 11/18/2009

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I was a family of 4 and now a family of 6. i left my sons girlfriend and my granddaughter move in a couple months back. not sure if this is agood decision or not. He is 17 and she will be 19 soon. wow what a big adjustment. my younger son fights with her all the time beacuse she is mean to his older brother. where do you drow the line?

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Julie - posted on 03/07/2014

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My daughter is 17 will be 18 when her baby is 3 months old , her boyfriend is 19 and works we have always had family day on Sunday . He has not been aloud to come over on Sundays . My husband is only off two Sundays a month I still want to keep my family days on the 2 Sundays my husband is off . My daughter and her boyfriend are having a problem with it I still have a 13 year old also . He come over the rest of the week 5 to 6 days a week .

Mzphil413 - posted on 02/08/2014

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I have a 17 year old and I was 16 when I had mine...however my mother MADE me be a mother...I couldn't have company even if it was the baby's father unless it was okay with her...She reminded me of the position I put her in and AT FIRST I was ANGRY but I realized she helped me more than she know... It made me responsible and a great mother...now here I am with a 17 year old daughter with a controlling boyfriend...I already see that her nose is wide open...I DO encourage a wholesome relationship but NOT playing house under my roof...He has no job and he is 19 years old will be 20 this fall...she will be 18 this fall...Every time I say something he cops an attitude and I will forget he is my grandchild's father but a little boy that is being disrespectful....I told them that they should have thought about this when they were having fun making her. They put me in an awkward position because according to the law I am responsible until she turns 18 and move away...But until then...I have a say in when he comes and goes out of MY house. Mind you, she works, goes to school and is at the top 10% of her class..already accepted into college when she graduates...I don't know if he graduated...not working nor actively trying to find a job. The saying is any MALE can help create a child but a MAN is the only one who can be a father. Not really posing a question...more commenting...

Chaya - posted on 12/03/2012

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Explain to both your daughter and her boyfriend why you have those limits. They probably won't approve, but if they want to get dinner on the table or transport your other children to music lessons or soccer practice, perhaps you'd be willing to work with them.

[deleted account]

This is a very tough situation. My mother went through something similar only in that she was pregnant at nineteen and had my sister at twenty while my father was deployed to Diego Garcia. He had recently enlisted in the US Navy and had only gotten to see my baby sister until she was two weeks old. When he returned home, she was eighteen months. That whole gap of time has shown through in their relationship and my sister is now thirty two. By contrast I had my father there the whole time, and I am such a daddy's girl.

It REALLY does make a difference if the child and father have enough time to bond. This is true for the relationship of my DH with his daughter, my step daughter. She is nine and he found out about her when she was three. They have a great relationship, but you can tell that there isn't really a huge bond there. Our DS is a daddy's boy because he's had that close bonding time.

Yes you need structure in a home, because without it you'd have chaos and we all know what a rambunctious lot children can be, (of any age), but it is extremely important to let their little family have time too.

Are the visits constructive? Does the father of your grandchild spend his time there doting on his son/daughter or does he seem listless and uncaring (as if he is forced to be there, rather than wanting to be there)? Are the times he is visiting appropriate, meaning not to early in the day or too late? Does he give your daughter a necessary break by sharing in the responsibilities, (i.e. does mommy get a nap, get to shower or groom herself? Does he feed and diaper the baby, play with the baby -- even infants need stimulation!)?

If he is constructive with his visits then I would have him there as much as possible! If not ... then you need to sit down with both of them -- as adults and discuss this. It is a hard topic since grandchild and mother are living with you, but again ... necessary! They conceived a child through a very grown up physical relationship, so they have to act as grown ups when making decisions as to what is best for their child.

It's a trough road, but I hope you get through!

Shy - posted on 06/17/2011

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Would you rather he "visit too much" or not visit enough or at all for that matter?? I was not a teen parent myself but I had a hand full of close friends that were, and one the biggest problems I saw were my male friends not being able to see their newborns because parents much like yourself. I don't mean to sound offensive, but if you think about it, when he comes to visit not only does that give him time to spend time with the baby but that also give your daughter a much needed break. I understand that things must feel rough for you and the rest of your family right now but you should really take a moment and put yourself in their shoes ...

Becky - posted on 12/10/2009

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You are doing fine and the right thing! Keep it going and don't let anything sway you differently!

Anne - posted on 11/29/2009

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First, I think it is great that you have supported your daughter through this time. I was a teen when I had my daughter and was living with the baby's father and his family at the time. It is well within your rights to set rules since your daughter and now grandchild live at your home. Although she is a young adult now I think that she still needs to know that there are boundaries and rules when you're living with others- it also helps her understand that there are responsibilities associated with having a child even at a young age. Best of luck and congratulations.

Venessa - posted on 11/29/2009

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Hi. I was a teenage mum! My DS was born when I was 18 and DH was 20. We were both still living in our family homes and I was the fulltime carer for my DS as there were problems with the inlaws (my fault I got pregnant, nothing to do with him of course). Anyway, after 7 months of rules and regulations and unfairness with regards him visiting DS we got a place of our own which broke my mothers heart and nearly gave MIL a heart attack (she didn't want us living together). He was never getting a chance to spend any quality time with DS and he never really got a chance to bond with him at all and I believe that shows today! The difference between his relationship with our DDs and our DS is unbelievable and I believe it was the restrictions put on us by our parents as we were teenagers they thought they knew best but it's my 12 yr old son who now says to me that Daddy doesn't love him, which is not true but the definitely don't have the same connection. Please don't do this to your grandchild, your daughter or her boyfriend. They will never have their first child again!

Heather - posted on 11/20/2009

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I agree with setting boundaries. It is your home and your family first. I was a teenage mother. My daughter is now 16 and is a wonderful girl. I lived with my mother until I graduated High School and found a job. I had limits when I lived with my mother. I had a curfew, that applied to my boyfriend being over. It worked for all of us.

Maureen - posted on 11/18/2009

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My heart goes out to you and your daughter and the barriers she will need overcome.

But, he is this child's father and does need to be involved as long as there is no risk to the child. Regardless, he needs to start providing support for the child. They could draw up a casual agreement that would include support, custody and visitation. There are websites with guidelines on support.

[deleted account]

Can you try to workout some sort of schedule for him to come and spend time with the baby? Maybe if you set something up in the beginning, you can still have your household run as normal as possible. Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 11/18/2009

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well Thais it is wonderful her boyfriend want to be in the baby life. please encourage that even more. Yes its a big adjustment for both you and your daughter. Just know he the boyfriend is part of the adjustment. How we feel as parents will have to sit on the back burner. Make him a part of your family you now have 8. they are still minors just keep your rules and guide lines as before. just make sure you all respect each others feelings.

Dawnmarie - posted on 11/18/2009

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You are still her parent, and while she is still in your home, you need to provide for her needs, and in the process, her child's. Your daughter needs some time and space to figure out where she fits in everything now, and to adjust to her new role--she is till your daughter, but now she is a mom, and she is having to grow up fast without the transition to adulthood that happens in a more ideal situation. He needs to respect your family element and let you set those parameters. Do not feel quilty for continuing to be the good parent to your daughter that she needs--it is your job.

Elaine - posted on 11/18/2009

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I agree don't feel bad for having rules... some think i'm nuts for all my rules but now that my girls are older they told me they agree "now not then". So stand firm on them and make the kids earn there way ... kids need to know nothing in life you want is free and easy... and you need to have peace in your home....

Angie - posted on 11/18/2009

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What a tough situation for your family. I agree that you need to keep your home running smoothly and rules have to be set. At the same time you granchild has every right to know his/her daddy. If you restrict him from visiting to the point that no bond is made, your grandchild might resent you later. I think saying that homework has to be done first but that daddy can come visit between 7 and 9 every night and after noon on weekend days it totally appropriate (or something like that). I'm sure this is a big adjustment but I'm afraid for awhile, privacy may be out the window. It's amazing that such a young father even wants to have anything to do with his child. Encourage that and you'll all be happier in the long run.

Kim - posted on 11/18/2009

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I agree that setting some rules is necessary, but remember that he is the baby's father. I'm going through this with my son right now and I often feel like he's not being treated fairly. The girls mother is an issue and I hope that the mom of my grandbaby realizes it sooner than later. Never shun a guy who is willing to stick around for his child. Treat him with respect and expect the same in return. Remember that it took two to make the baby and as long as he's not abusive, it should take two to raise the baby. Good luck to you all.

Gloria - posted on 11/18/2009

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Hello my daughter is a teen mom and I want you to know that you are doing the right thing by laying down the rules. Don't feel badly about setting times when he can come visit, encourage him to continue visiting and talk to both of them as young adults with responsibilities. My daughter and her "baby daddy" now have a second child, are engaged, have their own apartment, jobs and my daughter is graduating high school 6/2010. So she is a teen mom of two children! She thanks me everyday for supporting her and she appreciates me today. I actually pushed her on her way out the door because she was making adult decisions and started showing me that she needed her own household to run. She has two jobs and is a full time student. I have faith in God and pray for them. They have known each other for about 5 yrs. they have been through thick and thin! So set the rules mom and don't feel bad, she will so understand later ;)

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