Sex talk...HELP!!!...should I talk with my daughter's boyfriend???

Sam - posted on 12/02/2010 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I have a soon to be 13 year old daughter. She has a 12 year old boyfriend. They are both in high school. (where I live, high school starts in grade 7; I think what most of you consider middle school) Now, I know some of you are going to think that this is way too young but that is not what I am questioning. I thought that, as in elementary, this was going to be an innocent, in-school, BF/GF relationship, with no strings attached; over within 3 weeks. Well, yikes, it has been 3 months and seems to be going strong!!

My daughter has admitted to being curious but really has not interest in having sex. I have talked to my daughter about several aspects of sex; peer pressure, manipulation (if you love me you will....), what sex is about, the act of sex and what it, in my opinion, should be about. The reasons why she should abstain, the fact that once her virginity is gone, it is something that she could never get back.

I want to trust her boyfriend. At this age, the big thing seems to be kissing and the infamous FRENCH kiss. There was a moment when he asked her why she didn't want to, she simply replied because she wasn't ready...his answer was, "that's ok...i'll wait as long as it takes." He is only 12 however, he looks and acts about 15. This scares me. Well, I have this fear that, as time goes on, things might get a little deeper than they should at that age. His physical and mental maturity unnerves me. I was wondering if it would be taboo should I sit down with him and discuss the boundaries and limitations of their relationship??

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Angie - posted on 12/02/2010

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It's not your job to talk to your daughter's boyfriend about sex. If she is old enough to have a boyfriend, she is old enough to set her own boundries. To be honest, I doubt there are many, if any, 12 year olds who are mature enough to handle having a boyfriend or girlfriend. It might be wise for you and your daughter to sit discuss if she is ready for this kind of relationship. My son has his first girlfriend - he is 17. The have taken a vow of abstinence with each other. They vowed not to drink, do drugs, or have sex. To live up to that goal, they choose to spend almost no time alone together. They go on dates in public places and often with another couple. If they have dinner or go to a movie, their drive directly to her house or ours. They spend a few minutes together, alone in the parking lot at the high school before they drive home. Seriously, these children are mature enough to have an appropriate relationship, make sure your daughter and her boyfriend are too.

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22 Comments

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Louise - posted on 12/14/2010

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I think this is a job for his parents and if you have any concerns maybe a phone call to them is in order. You have fully inforomed your daughter about sex and contraception now all you can do is trust her to do the right thing. Here in England it is unusual for this age to go any further than a kiss it seems to be the 15 year olds that go further than they should. You have a right to be worrid but now you have to trust your daughter and hope that she makes the right decisions.

Racheal - posted on 12/08/2010

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i have a 16 yr old with the same boyfriend fo 2 yrs now. my opinion is not to talk to the boyfriend. thats what his parents are for. always try to keep the communication between you and your daughter open. as she gets older that will be harder to do. just keep talking to her but dont preach that will not help. all you can realy do is trust in her and her decisions. when the time comes and you know she is curious about sex and the time might be coming soon thats when BC becomes involved. talk about options on what would be best for her and let her know its not because you dont trust her but you know how thing can happen when you dont plan them and you would rather her be safe then sorry. if the do decide to (do it) thatswhen you talk to his parents to make sure everyone is protected.

Angie - posted on 12/07/2010

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I've posted a couple times on this string and one thing I've never said is that if anyone had a talked about sex with one of my children without consulting me first, I would be fit to be tied. This is not a conversation to have with another's child - this is only appropriate with one's own child. I know this child is not thinking about having sex yet so this is a great time to have honest conversation with you daughter so that when this situations comes up , she will be able to set her own boundries.

Tracey - posted on 12/07/2010

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As a mother of five and three of them being teenagers, 11,14,16, I know where you're coming from. I think that you and your daughter have a great relationship. The fact that she can come to you to talk about her feelings is great. Run with it. Ask him over and let her join in the conversation. You may also want to have his parents over too. We want our kids to be open with their feelings and we should be just as open with ours.

Yvette - posted on 12/06/2010

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Yes! Discuss the boundaries him and her. Sex isn't something they should be acting upon now. They are far too young.

Nicole - posted on 12/05/2010

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Hi Tanya , all I'm gonna say on this subject is better safe then sorry I have 3 kids 23,19 & 15 .It is extremely important to always keep the lines of communication open if not that's when u could be in trouble . Better safe then sorry this is the reality of it. Good for you, I agree cause let's not be stupid we can't babysit them 24/7 .So I'm off to safe lives ... Bye bye for now .. Stay blessed from one mom to another ... Nicole xo

Tanya - posted on 12/04/2010

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Hi, there! First off, trust your instincts! I have a 16 year old daughter and she's been dating the same guy for almost a year now. It was very hard for me to "allow" this but I knew if I forbade it, they'd see each other behind my back and possibly force her to sneak around w/ it. With my knowledge and "permission" I can monitor and be aware of what's going on. I initially treated this as casual, especially when he told me he was going to be joining the AF after HS (he's a Sr.). I was relieved cuz I knew he'd be leaving. After about 6 months and they hadn't broken up, I talked to my daughter. She assured me she wasn't ready for sex, which I praised. I had been preparing her for the sex talk since last summer. However, when time marched on, I decided to put my daughter on the pill, just in case. I took her to my GYN Dr. myself and was in the room w/ her for the examination. After a painful examination, the Dr. and I graphically talked to her about sex, the biology of getting pregnant, etc. I explained that if a speculum had hurt, imagine squeezing out a baby which was 10x worse. It totally freaked her out. I didn't make this decision lightly but I know that at some point, it's going to happen. If not w/ her b/f now, perhaps when she's still in HS or in college. I'd rather put my daughter on the pill than be a grandmother. My mother heavily censured my decision. We went round and round w/ "you're giving her permission", yada yada yada. I explicitly explained to my daughter the reason for putting her on the pill. I trust my daughter to a certain extent but not if things were to get hot and heavy. My daughter confided in me that a few of her friends started having sex at 13!! That shocked the heck out of me. We talked about STDs and I showed her graphic pix of STD's so it'd be drilled in her head that she could get something if she has unprotected sex. It really shocked her. Now, I understand a lot of mom's wouldn't approve but I'd rather have my daughter be safe and smart about her decisions. I know all my daughter's closest friends, their parents and her b/f's family. I made it my business to know. I also sat my daughter and her b/f down together and was explicitly clear about how they needed to act, house rules and about pregnancy. When he comes to visit, they have to remain in the living room or dining room. No bedrooms or bathrooms, etc. My daughter told me he had been worried about my husband, and I told him that's not who he needs to worry about. He needs to worry about me! I want my daughter's first time to be w/ someone she loves and preferably, when she's way older. Talk to your daughter, listen to her and don't be preachy. My daughter tends to zone me out when I get preachy w/ her. lol Good luck!!

Neddy - posted on 12/04/2010

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Hi Sam
I feel you Sam. I have 4 children. 3 of them are girls. Two older ones have moved out and doing well for themselves.
My other daughter is 15 and has her first boyfriend as of a month ago. She has told him where she stands and what she is all about and he accepts that, BUT temptation can very easily overcome us with no control. When the urge comes along we have to consider that it may happen.
As a parent we still have to do our job in protecting our young and if that means talking to the parents of the other, I believe there is no harm in that.
We can never control who our children fall in love with(even though we know they have no idea what love is at this point) but with guidance and understanding on why things should not happen at such a young age maybe able to make them see things a little clearer.
I have educated my daughter on the dangers of lots of things since she was 7, from hitch-hiking, drugs, alcohol, boys and much more to get the clearer picture in her mind that bad things will happen if she did certain things.
I believe if you go with your instincts in what you believe you have to do, then you should go with that. You may tread on some feets but at the end of the day you are still her father and she is still in your care.
Good luck and hope all goes well.

Angie - posted on 12/03/2010

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Sam, my son and his girlfriend haven't even kissed after 2 months. They both say that it can lead to too many other things that they just aren't ready for. I'm not 100% sure that I believe them but it's apparently something they have thought about...

Sam - posted on 12/03/2010

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ha...New Zealand..I love it...good to know that the same problems arrive at the other end of the world...thank you for your words....Sam xox

Jodie - posted on 12/03/2010

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when my daughter was 12,she had a steady boyfriend for a year.eventually he was allowed to visit and have tea with us.vice versa with my girl,at his house.they had a very plotic relationship,they hang out togeather in town and their mates,on a saturday,i made it my mission,to teach my girl,at that age,what you have discribed to me the talk alreay,what you have talked to your girl about,is enuf for a 12yr old to take in.when dealing with this subject,and that age,it has to be delicate talk,you dont wont her knowing more than she can handle.we all know theres more to sex,then just loosing ya virginity.you will know,how much more.right now,just concentrate on what they wont to do togeather,ie,malls,movies ect.get to know his parents,be open to your girl bout any ?,no matter embrassing it is for you both,all teenagers wont our approval,and sumtimes,we may not agree on what they expect from us.its up to us as parents,to guide them thur,their teenage life.to have a 12 old say,il wait till you are ready,thats very responsiable of him,most guys at that age,would of dumped your girl and break her heart,thats another thing,to be aware of,her heart will get broken,and as much i understand you wont to protect your girl,sometimes we have to let our kids get heartbroken,but prepare her,get her to be brave,if that happens,and tell her shes a better person and she deserve better. not to let her be put of men,its all part of learning,and our kids need fallbacks,so they learn from them.my daughter had to,after her boyfriend dumped her,and she ended up at the same school,she got picked on,but i told her to hold her head up high and take no crap,and she did,and now shes 16,and has a few boyfriends,that have broken her heart,but shes learnt,not to let emotions or her weakness in the way,and shes a strong independent 16yr old.so as much this is your girls first love[maybe unsure]she be there for her,get her to trust you,when she wonts to talk to you,allow yourself to tell her you are open to chat.if we be the strict mum,then thats when the problems begin.if you be her friend,but her mum as well,with a good communcation boundrys,then you will be able to trust her.like i said,keep it simple,allow him over to visit,under your guidelines and rules,they will respect you,its ok to have fear sourrounding this situation,try not to over power her,course she will think,you dont understand her,and she may sdo something she could regert,dont allow that,like i said be fair,gain her trust and respect,let her gain yours,its bout how to communicate with a teenager,yes its hard,but with some guidience you should both togeather work it out.it will work out in the long run ok,god bless,all the best,good luck,jodie white,from hamilton,new zealand.

Sam - posted on 12/03/2010

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Angie...it's all good; it is sometimes hard to feel the emotions and get a good grasp on what people might being trying to say through a post. I congratulate your son and his girlfriend on such responsibility and maturity. I hope that my daughter stays on that similar path that she is on now. Even at the tender age of 12, she is responsible enough to know that she isn't ready for a French kiss, let alone sex.

After having a few conversations with my daughter, she mentioned that all of her girl friends and even his guy friends asks her if they "kissed". She finds this ridiculous and says that it isn't any of their business. She even asked one of his friends why he would ask her such a thing and was told that her BF wouldn't give him an answer. I have to admit, I admire the boy for respecting my daughter's initial decision of the French kiss and again for, for not being a braggard, even tho there is nothing to brag about (some boys his age could make up stories!!)

Any input, where hard ball or easy going, is great for reflection. I might not always agree with what might be posted, but I guarantee you that it is taken into the utmost consideration.
I look forward to this weekend....xox Sam :-)

Angie - posted on 12/03/2010

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I am so sorry, I misunderstood your post. You talked about him wanting to french kiss her and about the peer pressure to have sex. Since you wanted to have a talk with him about sex and boundries, I understood that there was this was becoming a possibility for their relationship. Ooops..... I really am sorry.....

Nicole - posted on 12/02/2010

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Your welcome Sam I have been through it 3 time's and still go through it . You are involved so that's great some parents aren't . Keeping the lines of communication open is crucial and it sounds like that's what you are doing .I'm laughing remembering 14,16 all these ages omg hair pulling lol Nicole xo

Sam - posted on 12/02/2010

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Thank you so much for your input. I will keep those lines of communication open with my daughter; I think that is my best bet. I do trust her whole heartedly. This is a first for me and really have no idea what to think or how to handle this situation. I really truly didn't think it would last this long. All of her other friends who started dating around the same time have broken up. I don't wish any pain on my daughter but geesh, I am not looking forward to this at all....OMG I am not looking forward to 16....xox Sam

Nicole - posted on 12/02/2010

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Don't be confused Sam and you are right it would not be right to go to the mom and speak with her this soon . Follow your heart we are not DR.s here ... lol Nicole x

Nicole - posted on 12/02/2010

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WoW!!!! I understand what you are saying as I have a 23 yr old a 19 yr old and a 15 1/2 yr old . I have had the sex talk with all three kids and the best thing you can do is let them know that you are here for them no matter what . In the end they will do whatever it is that they want to do regardless . I am not sure if that's the best way to go about that speaking to this young boy this soon . You have to try your best to trust your daughter and to continue to make her feel comfortable knowing that she can come to you no matter what that's important . You know sometimes it's nice to make a date with your daughter and go for lunch then you can casually speak to her about things .In the end follow what your heart is telling you .It's not easy I know happy holidays and keep me posted I have been through so much with my children . Nicole xo

Sam - posted on 12/02/2010

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Wow, thanks for the input but, with all due respect, .they are 12 not 17. They hold hands at school and chat online. They go to adult-supervised school dances, sit and watch movies with me, my husband and friends at our house, and come out to the movies with us. They play football and basketball at the park with their friends. If I understood correctly, they are having an age appropriate relationship. They have not discussed sex at all. I have discussed sex with my daughter and as Jennifer put it, I am concerned about him since I am not his mother, I don't live in his house hence I have no control over who or how or what he or his parents discuss with him. I have thought about going to talk with his mom however, I am hesitant. I sometimes think I am making too much of this since they are only 12/13, and usually these 'ralationships fizzle out before the spark even becomes a flame) There are too many parents living by the "it won't happen to me scenario"; I don't want to be the example. Where we live, in Québec, this is around the age where kids start having a BF/GF. I questioned it at first but with the society we live in, the internet, the MSN, Facebook, there is so much we have to shelter our kids from these days, I really do see a need to pick my battles...having a boyfriend didn't bother me, and I will try to be there and help guide her into being a responsible young lady with good morals ,values and self-respect...saying that, HE I don't trust as of yet. He did show respect to my daughter with the kissing incident...however, it doesn't make the lion tame.

Would it be a little ridiculous for me to talk to his mother, being at the age they are at and that they have only been dating 3 months?? Oh god....now I am even more confused...LOL!!

Jennifer - posted on 12/02/2010

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First of all i think its great you and your daughter have a close relationship and can come for you for anything! Honestly i wouldnt trust him.He is just 12 years old!!! If you are very concerned about it i would talk to his mom and see what she thinks but if you dont feel confortable talking to her then yes, i would definetly sit down and have a talk with him. He needs to know the responsibilities and consisquences if they choose to have sex!Not only that but he is seeing your daughter and if she ends up getting pregnant he better be ready for it!!! This is the age when u wish you could just lock your daughter in a room and throw away the key!! Goodluck and continue what your doing!! Being a responsible mom!!

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