share tips on punishment for 17 yr old caught several times smoking marajuana

Jennifer - posted on 09/11/2012

Mary, your story is very familiar to me. Kids that use drugs are usually some of the most wonderful young people I have ever met. I love my job because I love this population of teenagers. They are sweet, introspective, but have often experienced a great deal of just not fitting in and not knowing how to do that properly. My oldest went to a college prep school as well and he had ADD so it was a HUGE struggle for him. I saw his self-esteem and confidence really wane so we made a decision at the end of his sophmore year to transfer him. He did phenomenal once he got to the public high school. Partly because the work was so intensive at the prep school that the public school was a breeze. He went from being an average student at U-prep to being an honor student, go figure. I can tell you that marijuana use can be rampant in prep schools. There are two classes of marijuana users in teens I have found; the first class of students excel academically, play sports, are popular and smoke on the weekends with peers socially. I still think this is wrong, call me old fashioned, but still, these kids usually come out unscathed. The second group of kids are the ones that feel like they don't measure up. They don't know what their talents and skills are yet. They feel like garbage and school is hard for them because it hurts to see how easy life looks when other kids but they just can't figure it out. These kids, I have found, are often so emotionally in-tuned they feel judgment by others very easy. They usually get their feelings hurt easy, but in boys it can come across as avoiding confrontation, shutting down and so forth. These kids are often talented in the arts, or love music, or really enjoy online social games and media because they can be whoever they want to be. This may or may not be your son but I just wanted to give you an idea so you can think about what camp your son falls into. Anyway, this group of marijuana users use because it can help them forget or numb their emotions. This isn't social use, this is medicating use. They find a group of peers that are often like them and they feel accepted by this group. What often happens with these soft hearted kiddos is that marijuana stops being enough or their friend introduces them to something else. It can be alcohol, pain pills snagged from a medicine cabinet, robutussin/cough syrups, huffing, anything readily available. With some it even goes beyond this. I am definitely not trying to scare you, just trying to highlight what use looks like in these two groups. The best way to find out if your son is on that addiction cycle is to see how he does with drug testing. If he can stop use because you put it in place, that is fantastic! You are in a good place with him. If he starts trying to justify, cheat the system, use despite consequences, that is when you have a problem. As far as the drug testing piece, you have a baseline now which is good. I would still test him once a week but be aware that you will not see a clean test for probably 2-3 weeks. If his 4th and 5th test are still positive for marijuana then he is still using. No need to lecture him in between, just test him and monitor him. There are other things that work during this process to help him stay clean but are kind of indepth. If at any point you want to talk further with me about this you can email me directly and I can explain it to you. I lost a brother to marijuana because he was high and drove. I have another brother who fell into meth addiction after starting with marijuana. I have made it my life's work to help anyone I can so please, you would not be bothering me in the slightest. Just let me know.

Mary - posted on 09/11/2012

All the comments have helped, thank you! I'm open to more suggestions:

As suspected, he failed the urine test. We will do that weekly. How much time shd. I expect to laps? What should I do if it's not clear after that length of time?

I told him that he should use this as an excuse to his friends; I can't smoke any because my parents are going to test me weekly.

His phone has been turned off until the test is clear. UNFORTUNATELY, he bought an ipod some time ago and can text using it in a WIFI room, so he's still connected to whomever he wants. He doesn't drive and feels at 18 he'll just go and take the test. (Yes, I've told him that the drivers ed class teaches rules of the road that he would have to pass to get his license). He knows that he won't drive until this is resolved and his urine is clear for 3 weeks.



We live simply. There isn't a lot to take away from him.



He's a nice and respectful boy. He's an easy going and like-able teenager. He attends a college prep, private school, but has struggled. He never did a lot of homework, so we couldn't tell if it is/was laziness, or him 'checking out'. The school has met with him/us to provide him with all the tools they have to help him FEEL/BE successful. As any parent knows, the student has to plug in.



He's a smaller framed boy, not good at a lot of sports, but plays bball occasionally with friends. He rides his bike everywhere! He is not involved in school activities and is home by 2:45. My husband has been helping him find a job. He has made money on cutting lawns and I SUSPECT he's stolen money before from our family.



As his mother I see that he is struggling with how to fit in. He doesn't get along with his 19 yr. old brother and doesn't respect his 20 yr. old brother but adores his 14 yr. old sister, who is a good student, confident and athletic.



Any suggestions would, again, be appreciated. Jennifer, your educated advice would be helpful based on the experiences you've encountered. I thank everyone, in advance for their help.

Jennifer - posted on 09/06/2012

I am a therapist that works in a private school for high school students with drug and alcohol use. I have seen over and over again how kids can go from occassional weed smoking to daily use and then on to other things. I highly recommend you set a no tolerance rule now. What I hear all the time from kids who use is that when their parents act "cool" about it, they take that as acceptance of their use. I am working with a family right now that turned a blind eye to their sons use over the summer because other parents were allowing it and now that son has spiraled out of control. It often can lead to mouthy behavior, disrespect, laziness and so forth. Set the rule now. Also, contact sterling labs and purchase a box of home drug tests. Marijuana stays in the system roughly 10-14 days depending upon body fat. More fat equals longer times but if your 17 year old is on the thinner side it could clear the system faster. Tell them that you will be administering a drug test weekly. If your teen is a male, have a male relative go into the bathroom with him (they can be cheated, I have seen students pee for other students). I have heard teens say the reason they can refuse use is that their parents drug test them, it does work! If he fails a test then take away something as punishment just like you would for anything else. No need to yell or get angry, just set the boundary. Lastly, if he keeps failing tests then he has a problem. It might be worth looking into outpatient services in your area. If your teen drives, take away that asap. Let them know that driving will only happen with 3 weeks of clean drug tests.

Bobbie - posted on 09/06/2012

I would say no lectures, they don't listen by then anyway, as we all know. I would tell him now, prior to another violation that you are going to do the following if he chooses to smoke.

The things that worked for bad behavior with my teenage son was manual labor. Chances are he is of the lazy sort, and hates it, as most teens do. I don't know how your house is built and if there are safe ways to clean all of your windows without a tall ladder, but window cleaning is big on my list of punishments. I also layered the punishments when I informed them of what they would be. Such as, "not only will you wash every window inside and out, but you will not have use of the car, for any reason, for a week" That way they know what is coming and then you really have to stick with it. No car use may mean that you need to drive them to a practice or even miss a practice. If there is a big event, such as homecoming, they miss it. Make it hurt the first time and chances are better that there won't be a next time. IF however you don't follow through with what you tell him will be the consequences then don't waste your time.