Should I contact my 18 yr old who moved out on a whim? Her choice. no money,no car .Instigated by others.she has no plan.what do I do?

Kathy - posted on 07/05/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I feel so empty and sad. I just dont know what to do. We had an argument, but all mothers and daughters do. She turned 18 and within a week and her "friends" outside influence, packed up a car and moved out, saying it was time for her to move on. I would have never known, had I not arrived home to see this happening. She would not even talk to me, It was like the devil was in her, so much anger.
We had a talk the night before about making up a contract with the rules of the house and consequences if those were not followed. We were going to discuss it further the day she left. I am guessing she had it planned all along, but she lied to me as to where she was going.
She told me she was going by her dads, but I found out she is living with her so called instigator friend and family.She has not called me, except to text me if she had car insurance. I asked her to call me. She has not.
So how do I go about communicating with her.?? I dont feel I should, as it was her choice to leave. ( I know her dad is enabling this, as her friends mother is as well) She told them I kicked her out, so I can imagine what other lies were said as well. She has no money,no car, and no plan. help!

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Angie - posted on 07/05/2012

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My son did it at 17, while he was still in high school. Don't fret about what she is telling her friends...for some reason they all say they were kicked out ~ I think they think it helps generate more sympathy, and most of them never have a plan....or at least a plan that makes sense to us parents..lol

I'm assuming since you were making up a contract, you were already having struggles with testing boundaries at home.

I think the most important thing is keep the communication open, whether by email or text. Sometimes sending an email just letting you know you love her and that whenever she is ready to talk, you are there for her. Try to be careful about judging her choice, instead of saying she has no money, no car & no plan, how does she expect to do this?...say well, you are 18 and while I wish you were in a better position, it's your choice to make. The more you question/put down, the more she will be determined to prove you wrong.

The other important thing is to decide and stay firm on where your new role of a parent to an adult child is. Right now, probably the only communication she is going to have with you is to ask for things & you need to be prepared for that. Are you providing cell phone, are you providing money? I supported school and medical, that was it. Believe me, they will appreciate it later...

Try to be patient, try not to be hurt or upset, & most importantly continue to love...the what's, why's of how it all happened doesn't really matter, it's how you move on from this. It also helped me to remember what my dad was going through when I moved out at 17. And if you have a really bad day or are not sure what to do, just don't make a decision...wait 3 days, then decide. It allows you not to react on emotions...Best of luck to you ~ you will get through this.

Kristin - posted on 07/05/2012

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I pulled away from my mother at your daughters age as well. My advice to you is to let her know that you will respect her wishes and not communicater with her, and also let her know how much you love her and that if she ever needs anything you will be there. And I am not saying enable her if she only calls for money too bad so sad no money for you, but if she genuinely needss you than be there for her. For now let her be and sooner or later she will come back and apologize to you. The hardest part is letting your kids go, but i always found they do come back. In the meantime focus on making yourself better and heal you and make you happy. You did the best you could raising her and now she needs to forge her own path to gain her own sense of independence.

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Patricia - posted on 07/05/2012

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I've been having issues with my 19 year old daughter as well pulling away from me. She hasn't moved out but our relationship is not what it used to be. It's difficult to watch her make mistakes but I try to remind myself that I can't tell her what to do anymore and that I made mistakes at her age too and I had to learn from them - just as she is doing. I know she's trying to being independent and grown up. I've been trying to rebuild our relationship recently by just talking to her more as a friend than as a parent. I still throw in some advice here and there and I always tell her I love her and I worry about her. We've had our serious conversations about drinking, drugs, sex, etc...and she knows the rules of the house (no drama, keep your stuff picked up, etc) so I decided it was time to start to "let go" of my baby girl.

Maybe you could text your daughter and see if she is willing to go out to lunch with you. Tell her you love her and that you're not looking to convince her to come home but that you just want to be able to have a nice friendly lunch. If she agrees - I would try not to give unwanted advice or tell her what to do. I would just ask how she is, what she's been up to and let her know that I was there for her if she needed me. It won't be easy.

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