Should I force my kids to call him Dad?

Jan - posted on 12/16/2009

I have two older children to my ex husband and have a 5yr old to my new partner. The oldest 2 decided to call him Daddy right from the start. I was accussed of forcing them to do it and everyone tried to stop them and tried to make me stop them. But I just said I can't and won't force them to stop. They never had a very good relationship with there father and my partner took them on as his own. He is younger then me by 9 years and took on a ready made family. He helps out my son with the playstation games, I gave up on that years ago. He helps my daughter with her school work, way passed me lol. Just tell your partner "That any man can be a father, But it takes a real man to be a Dad" He should be happy that they look at him as a Dad and not reject him for taking there Mom anyway from them. There is alot of woman in the world who do have that problem. If he does try to force them to call him Dad, he is more likely to loose there respect and love. A big price to pay for just one word...Good Luck...Jan.. NZ..

Kellie - posted on 12/16/2009

ABSOLUTELY NOT! They are old enough and in time, will find a "special name" for thier possible step-father to be. Same situation with me. 2 now, teenage girls from a previous marriage, and one son together. The girls refer to their step dad as "DK" (short for Daddy Kevin) It's cute, sincere, and they are ALL comfortable with it!

Lisa - posted on 12/16/2009

No ! Let them attach to him and develop there own relationship~ never forse a child to cross that boundary~ It can cause alot of anger later and confusion!

Teri - posted on 12/16/2009

As a product of divorce, don't force your children to call him "Dad" if they don't want to. It will ultimately cause resentment towards you and him from them. He needs to understand as he is the adult and understand that all children are different. It doesn't mean the love is any less or any more with a title. If he truely loves them he doesn't need a title. And always remember that you need to put your children's needs first because they rely on you.

Tshanta - posted on 12/16/2009

My ex actually gets upset when my two youngest don't call their step-mom mom and I resent that so much. The name Mom or Dad is earned, not forced, if you will. I have been with a man for 4 1/2 years and occassionally a child may call him dad but mostly he still goes by his first name with them, its their choice. It's something that will happen when they feel it. He's just going to have to understand. Try putting him in their shoes. Good luck.

Lorrie - posted on 12/16/2009

I have a similar story.I have 3 children 1 who was conceived before my first marriage and the the other 2 during my 1st marriage. I divorced my youngest children's father when my children were 1, 5, and 9. Now my 9 year old did not have a father in her life before I married so my husband at that time said she was his and she called him daddy (she was 4 when we got together). when we divorced he changed his attitude to her and said she was not his and would not do anything for her so with her believing that was her father I had to break the news to her that he was not and she was devistated. maybe I should not have let her believe that he was her father but under the circumstances in which she was concieved I couldn't bear to tell her the truth.Now I am happily married again and my husband has stepped up and adopted my oldest daughter and she now has his last name and my other 2 children have chosen on their own to call him Daddy. Their father does not keep in touch with them on a regular basis but he does talk to his daughter,my middle child, every once in a while and she knows he is her father but she chooses to call my husband Daddy too. My son is 5 and does not completly understand the situation because he was only 1 when I divorced his father but his father does not have anything to do with him so again my husband has stepped up and my son knows him as Daddy but does know he has another father. I let my children choose I did not tell them they had to call him Daddy they made that decision all on their own. They are now 13, 9, and 5 and are very happy

Coni - posted on 12/16/2009

Absolutely not!! It should be their choice as to what to call him....as long as it is respectful.....but respect goes both ways.....why is he so adamant about them calling him dad when he hasn't even made a commitment to you or to them to actually stay in their lives and behave like a dad? He has to earn that title....When he makes the commitment to you to become your husband and their step-father then that is the first step. He has big shoes to fill to earn the title of "Dad." Dad's are awesome men who will do whatever is necessary to ensure their childrens' needs are met both physically and emotionally. Is he involved in their school activities? Does he spend one on one quality time with each of them? Does he respect their individuality and encourage them in their endeavors? Those are things that good dads do.....if he can be all that for them, then some day in the future they may feel the desire to call him "dad" but it has to be their choice and in their time. It could take years and years for them to get to that point and he should respect that no matter how involved he becomes. If he truly loves them as his own children they will feel that. I would be very concerned if my boyfriend of two years was so adamant about having my kids call him dad when he hasn't even asked me to marry him yet......seems very strange to me and sends up a red flag in my mind. Just be careful and keep your eyes wide open. Listen to your children......seriously.......they should come first at this point.......your boyfriend will earn that spot when he becomes your husband. Good luck sweetie!

Lori - posted on 12/16/2009

I am in the same boat. I have a 17 and 13 yr old from a previous relationship and a 5 year old together with my current husband. My older two do not call him dad, however my 13 year refers to him as his stepdad. I would respect your childrens wishes. If they do not feel comfortable calling him dad, so be it. They may be hesistant simply because a boyfriend isnt forever. They may not want to get that attached until they see some permanancy. Dating isnt permanent in many peoples eyes.

JAEN - posted on 12/16/2009

the names "mum" and "Dad" are earned. If he starts acting like a true father maybe they might relent but he's your boyfriend not their dad.Tell him he has to earn the name it's not just a title it has a deeper meaning. good luck, Jaen

Maureen Louis - posted on 12/16/2009

I don't think you should force them. I have learned from being a step mom and my husband as a step dad that what will be will be. You have to be comfortable with it yourself. By forcing them if they don't want to isn't making it so. If you rather make up a special name without forcing them that sounds respectful that would work too my step kids just called me moe short for Maureen also depends on age. See what they feel good about.

Winnie - posted on 12/15/2009

If their biological father is a positive and active part of their lives then they are old enough to make the decision themselves. However, having experienced this myself some seven or more years ago, when my children were younger their father remarried and even before they were he forced the children to call her some version of mother; in an attempt to congeel a new family unit. Now that they are older, not only do they not want to respect her position they resent it being forced on them. I think forcing them to call him DAD will cause friction in the long run besides if they feel the love it will happen naturally. Good luck!!

Cheryl - posted on 12/15/2009

Quoting marybeth :

Should I force my kids to call him Dad?

I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now. I have 2 kids (12 & 16yrs) from before and we have 1 together. My kids do not want to call him Dad until we get married, I allowed them to make that decision. Since he still hasn't asked me to marry him we don't know if or when that will ever be. I don't feel I should force them to call him Dad but he does and has a lot of resentment for my decision. He said I asked them to be my daughters and they said no not until we marry. Should I force them to call him dad?

Dear Marybeth,

I am sorry but if you had two children before you started with this new boyfriend and you said you have had another child with him?  You also said you gave your gave your two children the choice as to whether they wanted to call your boyfriend Dad or not and they said not until the two of you got married?  And to this day that has not happened?  Well I would say that your 12 and 16 year olds are very smart and intuitive children.

It is amazing what children can see in their parents relationship that the parent could either be blinded to or subconsciously not want to see.  I personally do not believe at all that you should force your 2 children from before to call your boyfriend Dad.  They are old enough to make that decision and if they see their own dad, if he is in the picture or not , you did not mention, but if he is then they have a Dad already, and if your boyfriend and you have a child between you then he has a child calling him Dad already.  But if he is feeling a lot of resentment towards you because of your decision to let your 2 other children decide for themselves, then I am afraid that you might have an even bigger problem other than a lot of resentment regarding your decision about your choice about your 2 older children.  This situation I find rather worrisome.  And that is my honest opinion.  Please take care of yourself and all three of your children and good luck and God Bless.

I will be praying for you and your children.  And I would appreciate it if you would keep The Circle of Moms for Teenagers updated.

Karen - posted on 12/15/2009

No! If he can't commit to becoming their father and your husband, then he shouldn't have the benefit of earning such an honored title without taking the proper steps first. Your kids are 100% right; once he marries you then they should call him dad, but only if they're comfortable.

Joan - posted on 12/15/2009

i wouldn't i think they are old enough to know if they feel he is rheir dad or not forcing them will only cause them to feel resentment. besides he hasn't actually commited to you has he?

Bonnie - posted on 12/15/2009

Absolutely NOT! My son is 14 and my husband and I have been together almost 10 years. We have twins together but my oldest son calls my husband by his first name. Although we love my husband, he is not my son's father. I would never discourage him calling him dad but forcing it on him is not an option either. If and when my oldest is ready to call my husband dad he will begin to do so but until HE is ready, Ken is just fine. And although it may sound odd, my twins actually call my oldest son's dad Uncle so they don't feel left out of their brother's family. I know in most families that wouldn't fly, but luckily in ours it works out wonderful!

Wanda - posted on 12/15/2009

i say no, is their dad absent from their lives? what if for some reason itdoesn't work out and you meet someone else down the road? i have a family member that has drilled it in her kids head this new guys is "their dad", he too gets mad if they don't call him dad but he is so disrespectful i don't know why anyone would want to call him dad, his own kids don't even speak to him. you can only ever have one dad.

Jamie - posted on 12/15/2009

I have three daughters, all teens, and none of them call my bf of 8 years dad.. that is a title only they can give him. It's wrong to expect them to call him that or to force it, that will only make them resent him, and if he resents your decision then he's got issues. These are your children and they need to know that it's their decision and theirs alone. Good luck with this one, it can be a sticky subject when the stepfather isnt cooperative.

Jacquelyn - posted on 12/15/2009

In this situation and the ages of your kids I would say let them work that with him. Maybe they can come to a compromise name that works for all of them. I know my daughter called my husband prior to and still to this day Daddy Al, she considers him her full father now that she is 14 and knows that he is DAD in every way of the word minus the bloodline. She has told him I consider you to be my DAD, and we have been married for almost 9 years. So letting the older kids work that out with him can be a good bonding experience, for both of them, and a fun experience coming up with names.

Melissa - posted on 12/15/2009

In my opinion your children have the right idea. You two are NOT married and they should NOT call him Dad!!! I am a step parent myself and don't force my step children to call me Mom. They should be free to call him what they are comfortable with. If he continues to push the subject but doesn't want to step up to the plate and get married then I'd question his motives and think about why he's trying to control you all so much. Best of luck and stick to your guns!

Alesha - posted on 12/15/2009

I don't see why you should force them to call him dad. I haqve four children who were conceived before i married and my youngest is the only one that calls my husband daddy. I think that should be up to the child. I also have a step daughter and we don't force her to call me mom. She has a mom who is still in her life and my kids communicate with their father's as well. So again it is not necessary for your kids to be forced to call your now boyfriend Dad!

Amy - posted on 12/15/2009

No way! It's just a name. My children are blessed w/ a 100% stepfather--they call him by his first name. We've been a family for 9 years.

Marybeth - posted on 12/15/2009

Thank you ladies, for all your advice. I am not really sure why he is so hung up on the title. He tells me that I am letting the girls control me. I have reminded him that when people say dad the word is referred to him. They just do not call him dad to his face. They love and respect him just as much. He is very stubborn in his ways and I just can
not seem to help him understand.

Angie - posted on 12/15/2009

I agree with the other moms. This is their decision. He's not their father, calling him "Dad" would be a farce.

Delta - posted on 12/14/2009

No, you need to let your kids know that it is ok and that it just means that there is another person that will love them.... I am remairred and have 4 from a previouse... and they we're so hesitant to call my hubby dad, it was more so because they have a dad, and felt like it would be wrong to call their step dad, dad.... I explain to them that out of respect it is ok..... to call him dad. But that it is their choice and that their dad will always love them and that it is ok for them to want to express it by saying dad... and What I did to make it eaiser was... they call my ex (Papi) and my husband Dad, which has the same mean... but it special for them to have the words sperate but... still hold love behind it... Hope this helps ... sorry that I rambled.

Corina - posted on 12/14/2009

Hi Marybeth,
I don't know you personally. But I was your children many years ago. I had 2 stepfathers that forced me to call them dad. And I remember hating them for it. Your kids are old enough to make that decision for themselves. I don't think it would be good or fair to them, to force something on them that they may feel really uncomfortable doing. I think you boyfriend is getting a little hung up on the title and not what it means to earn the name. Good luck to you and your family.

Cheryl - posted on 12/14/2009

your children are old enough to make that decision themselves. i have 2 step children 10and 11. i have been with their dad for 5 years and i honestly dont mind that they call me by my name. i know they love me and i love them thats all that matter.

Mary - posted on 12/14/2009

I would not, not even if you were married! When my husband and I married - we gave the kids respectful choices, our first names, step-mom/dad, mom/dad - whatever and let them choose - we also told them they could change their minds or propose acceptable alternatives. Each of them chose first name, and 6 years later that's what they still use. If we're at school or elsewhere, they'll typically introduce me as step-mom; but if a teacher says 'your mom' they don't bother to correct it. I'd question him on why he feels so strongly about it -- sounds a wee bit insecure to me - and the dad title isn't going to change that.

Stacey - posted on 12/14/2009

no no no no no they will do it when they are ready

Becky - posted on 12/14/2009

No absolutley not!.......When I got with my now husband......we left the decision up to the kids......thier dad is still in the picture but even if he wasn't I personally do not feel that it is right to force a child to call anyone mom or dad if they are not the actuall parent. Your kids are older and it not only may but actually will cause a rif between them. If he hasn't even asked you to marry him and you have been together already for a few years how do they even know that he is serious enough to take care of all of you? Granted you don't want to jump on the fist guy to propose but surely if you love each other after a few years the conversation has come up?