Son failing school because of laziness!!

Diane - posted on 05/07/2013

ok, wait a minute.... I think I missed where the Teacher is at fault in this situation. My son is adhd and even though I've tried everything I (and friends) can think of doing, my son is getting ALL failing grades in 8th grade. That's right.... ALL.... meaning straight F's. We have tried having the teachers sign his planner daily, consequences (like no tv, video games, friends over, etc) if he doesn't do his best with each assignment and have them all turned in as they need to be. He just says he doesn't want to do the work. I've talked to him, his teachers, grandparents, even his friends have talked to him about it.... we tell him..."this attitude will not fly in high school"...."you will "live" in learning lunch til you get your head out of the sand!"... I'm getting ready to go back to school for my associates degree and I told my son that even twenty plus years later, they are wanting my high school transcripts!...He wants to go to college after high school, but I also told him... you gotta get those grades up!....
So, after MANY tears and just about being bald from pulling all my hair out trying to figure out what to do about this... I realized, I have done my best to give him the skills he needs.... it's up to him to put them to use..... or I have no option but to "leave him to his own demise..... hard as it may seem.... it's his choice to not do his work and he WILL reap the natural consequences of that choice!

Anne - posted on 05/01/2013

Tina,

I have had problems with teachers with my children also. What that teacher done to your child is abuse. You should go to the school board and report that teacher, and also take a child/parent advocate with you. Both of my boys are scared to go to school because of the teachers and kids bulling them. Now They both suffer severe depression on top of there disabilities. Both of my boys were on honor roll and now the oldest one has "f's" and I completes. He will not be passing this school year. So that means that he and I will have to deal with this school for another year. I also thought my boys were just "being lazy." That was not the case. I am just finding out the truth and I feel that it's to late to help my son pass cause there is only 20 days left of school. I am looking onto homeschool my oldest next school year because how bad his depression is cause of this school year. I feel very sorry for your child having to experience that type of torture from an adult that he is to trust. I hope he loses his job for tortureing a disabled child. What type of person sprays a child in the face with a water bottle anyways? My youngest experices a lot of body pain and he has to walk slow and if a teacher would spray him in the face with a water bottle he would flip out because you can't touch his face. He also has a sensory issue with his face. So, I hope the best for your family.

Nancy - posted on 04/09/2013

It is encouraging to read some of the more positive posts on this thread. As far as all the people who attack ADD or ADD medications, it is so easy to judge what you don't understand!! I have known people who insist that there is no such thing as ADD, it is just lack of discipline. One thing each of those people have in common is that they are the Type-A, overachieving perfectionists! No wonder they don't understand!!! I am dealing with similar struggles with my 13 year old daughter. She is highly intelligent, very social but so uninterested in schoolwork! I did have her evaluated for ADD and they tried her on Adderall, that didn't work out, so they switched her to Concerta. I am also having her tested for learning disabilities. She attends a private school that she will not be able to continue attending if she does not pull herself together academically! A friend of mine, or, rather, a former friend, had the audacity to say that my daughter is "just like" her nephew who failed in school and, subsequently, in life despite his genius level IQ! She "suggested" that I stop getting my hopes up and accept the inevitable!! Anyway, one of the former posts I read was from a parent whose daughter struggled through middle school and pulled it together in high school - thank you for that!! I know that there are no guarantees but words of hope are what I desperately need!!!
Looking back on my life, I KNOW I struggled with ADD but I was labeled as "lazy" and, if I had a dime for every time I was called lazy - I could afford to actually be lazy!! So, my advice is, be careful with that word, it can do damage! My daughter is very fortunate that she is being educated in a time when we have a great deal of information about ADD, learning differences etc.. Now, to get her to understand that and cooperate!!

Becca - posted on 04/08/2013

I feel your pain. I have two gifted sons, now adults, who were the same way in school. Here's the problem: They are bright, and school is not. And doing dull assignments is not something a 13 year old has the patience for. Is he, like mine were, a voracious reader and learner OUTSIDE the classroom? For example, my younger one was studying comparative religion on his own at 11. The gifted programs they were in did nothing to address the problem...they actually were expected to do the regular work PLUS the "enriching" stuff. I tried everything I could think of. Finally, they simply dropped out of high school and took the GED. Out of a possible 800 points, they each made around 692. The score needed to get into college is 500 or perhaps 450. By the way, over 40% of high school graduates cannot pass the GED.
What you may try, which I wish I had, was simply showing him frankly where his choices lead to. I finally told my sons when they were in college, that it was simple: Get a degree so you can work for someone else in an interesting, well-paying job, or start your own business. As of now, my 34 year old has a computer repair business and his 25 year old brother is working in a restaurant - but still studying comparative religion, as well as philosophy, and writing wonderful poetry, which he performs at readings.
I would put their actual knowledge up against any college graduate. But they have made their lives harder by not conforming to the rules of school.
You have to look at your son and see who he is. Imagine having to do reams of work below your intelligence level. I wish I had a cure for the dullness of school. It is so very hard for kids to just slog through and churn out the work. What does he do when no one is making him do anything? Capitalize on that interest and show him the path to a career in something related.Show him the path from grade school to high school to college and beyond, and that you simply have to play the game the way it is set up - or start his own thing. Tell him you know sometimes it isn't fun, but it just has to be done.
Good luck to you. Make sure he knows that the choices he makes now will be with him a long time. I finally had to realize that it was his life he was choosing.

Julieann - posted on 04/08/2013

My friend's daughter had the same story. I'm glad it's helping him. Can I just offer a little advice though, when he gets around 18, they will be looking to take him off it or to change his medication. Just be prepared that there could be some difficulties in this transition. That doesn't mean you have to be scared, just be on top of it. He might do fine on his own, but if he doesn't then get him diagnosed, he might always need medication, for his ADHD or if there is another underlying condition like depression or anything. If you don't guide him through this, he may look for relief/coping drugs on his own. Which is what happened with my friends daughter. It is much worse than being on a doctor prescribed medication. I think the ADHD medicine also gives the brain additional "happy chemicals", so when they stop taking it, it's a big change for their brain.

Lisa - posted on 03/31/2013

I am in a similar situation, except my son has lived with his dad for five years. He has gotten all D's and flunked English last year. This year he has been in ISS 10 times late every day and skips class! He also has had truancy report and OSS. He is eighteen and has since been kicked out of his dads house. He is disrespectful to me, lies, stays out all hours and never came to visit unless he needed something. I went to school with him sat in classes with him till his grades came up his sophomore year. I keep in touch with the teachers but when he is eighteen not much I can do. He drinks, and I sure other stuff to. When he was living with me I had him on medications he was straight A student and happy. Now he tells me if I put him on medication or take him to a counselor he will leave and not graduate. His dad gave him no rules and let him come and go as he pleased when he was 13 on up to a month ago. Never grounded him. Never bothered to do homework with him or buy him anything. Made him get a job when he was 15 and he has had to pay for everything his school lunches and clothes. He made him work forty hours a week to also pay for his rent at the house. I have no choice but to let him continue to fail in life and hopefully he will wake up. I really can't do anything?

LaNae - posted on 03/19/2013

I have a 13 year old son, which has been in trouble in the past, let him go live with his dad, which always worked against anything that I ever tried to do for my son, now my son is failing everything except Acuity and P.E. I have been down to the school to talk to his principle, but the principle informed me that I was wasting his time, and that he does not have time to focus on one student. I am getting no where here. Please help. I have also took my son to a psychologist in the past and gotten no where with that as well.

Julieann - posted on 03/18/2013

I have told my son that the higher his grades at school, the less chores he will have to do around the house. Rightnow, he gets A's and B's. He's always been a pretty good student. But with teens you never know what to expect. This does seem to motivate him though becuase I don't know any teenagers who enjoy working around the house.

Marycatherine - posted on 03/14/2013

I don't think that will help. I have tried all that. My son basically lives in a prison. I am beginning to wonder if he is lazy or if there is something else. I can say this, taking everything away sure hasn't helped.

Lisa - posted on 03/14/2013

It's nice to know I am not alone with this!! I am (literally) losing my hair over this!!
My son is 13 years old and failing every class in school! I am at my wits end. As his mom, of course I say he is smart, but I say that because when I review his grades, the work he DID do, he has an A on. Everything else is a F, because it is a "missing assignment". He has progressively gotten worse since 5th grade, and I am certain he will not pass this year. I tried the online schooling, which was a HUGE mistake. Re-enrolled him in public school and it has only gotten worse. I recently had a parent/teacher conference with his teachers (those who bothered to show up, 4 out of 6), they all said the same thing, "he is a good kid, he just does nothing in class and does not do his homework". All of the teachers were willing to let him make up his work, but he is STILL doing nothing and currently has MORE missing assignments since the parent/teacher conference. I have taken away EVERYTHING short of his bed, food and oxygen, but it still doesnt matter. We even have tickets to a huge event next weekend (I've had the tickets for a year) and he was told 2 weeks ago if his grades did not improved, he would not attend. That didnt work either!
I have looked into military schools, but do not have an additional $75k to pay for schooling. I've contacted our local police department and they told me they could only help if he became violent. He is not a violent kid, just very very very lazy. We have had some recent family issues, and Im sure that contributed to this, but not entirely since this has been going on for a few years. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!

Brandy - posted on 03/07/2013

My 13 year old is the same way, she is lazy and when I finally received her progress reports and found out she was failing, I was furious and it is just peer dang laziness. She is really smart and when she tries she does really well. then I get a call and she is failing gym!! Are you serious??? My daughter is athletic and loves to be moving around, but when it comes to school she is so lazy and always talking about boys. She now has to sit and do her homework every night, I have taken it upon myself to highlight all the assignments that she was missing on her progress reports and tell ehr she has a week to bring everything home. I take things away and she gets grounded, but I also offer incentives. I use the reward system, but not just when they want it my children must work for it and keep it up. Keep in constant contact witht the teachers that helps a lot. Exchanging e-mail addresses helps tremendously. More than not teachers are more than willing to help get your child going in the right direction. I hope this helps in some way. GOD bless

Maria - posted on 03/07/2013

I have a 12 year old son who doesn't focus and seems not to care about anything. He is lazy and constantly forgetting something in school, so he does not have to do homework. I am very concern because he will have to do summer school and may even repeat the 6th grade. He is always giving an attitude talking back and does not care to do anything. My husband and I have sat down and explained that school is important and if he does not understand we will help him. If it means so much as even getting a tutor we will do whatever it takes for him to understand. We have even involve other family members to talk with him and know he always has someone there to help him. My son is still not doing his homework and we are constantly receiving calls and e-mails from his teachers. He is not participating, he is not doing his homework and he does not write all his assignments down. We sit with him while he's doing homework and he does not care to do what he needs to do. No effort!!!! Please help!!!

Glenda - posted on 03/05/2013

well am new at this I am having the same issue with my 13 year old he is failling school not giving a dam I tried everything, I have tried public school private school I took away everything and nothing has work, he is a great kid very smart everyone loves him very outgoing, But he is not caring about school I want to understand why or sometimes I feel that am doing something wrong, I think everything started since I got separated from his dad 4 years ago little by little he started falling from there now I am just lost. Right now he is leaving with his dad because we wanna see if what he needs is a father figure but I see that he doesnt even care if he lives with him or not what should i do I am so scared that he is going to throw his life away.

Wowz - posted on 03/03/2013

In my perspective, I'm assuming your child is just being lazy. Utterly, lazy by the description you've given. He's at he's at the age where 'they' start becoming slack.
If he plays game, take them away. If he is on the computer too much, cut the internet, and take his laptop/computer away. Until he receives a good grade (from 90-100%), then you can temporarily let him have his 'fun time'. If he's going out and partying, do not let him out... It does sound like you're not giving him any freedom but look how the children nowadays are. They have basically 'everything' compared to the people in third world countries. Tell him he's lucky to be in a countries that provides a god-dam education, there is a reason for education. There is a reason for school. If he does not obey/listen to you; yell at him, punish him (non-physical). I know this will work, as I'm a student just like your son.

Jennifer - posted on 03/02/2013

I noticed Melinda's original post was from 2010.... it would be awesome if you are still on Circle of Moms if you could give us all an update since so many of us are where you were. What worked for you? What didn't? Hope things have gotten better...

Tina - posted on 03/02/2013

I'm wondering is he really lazy or maybe there is more to it than that like maybe hes being bullied at school. Try and look in to that. Ask his close friends or maybe talk to their parents and see if they can squeeze info out of them. My son is 14 he just started 9th grade. He is very smart, he has asperger's. At the beggining of the year he was doing so good and getting good grades. Now in the second marking period he started failing everything. I was thinking he was being lazy also because his teachers also tell me hes very smart and just not doing his work or homework. I found out last week one of the teachers sprayed him in the face with water because he was walking slow in the hall way to class. I also found out kids are making fun of him. It's very heart breaking and I'm still trying to figure out what to do about all of this to make him be happy about going to school, so I understand how you feel!!! I wish you well and hope he will start doing better. Prayers sent your way.

Mary - posted on 02/18/2013

my son has been having issues with school since grade 7, he is now grade 10, and i am finally seeing an improvement.What we discovered was that the teachers were not paying him attention, and had labeled him as lazy, so that was how he was behaving.Its a vicious circle, but we have finally broken it, with some art therapy,he discovered that if he made a little effort, the teachers responded postively, which made him feel good about himself and want to do better.Its still early days, but i do see a change in his attitude to both school and homework.most kids just need a bit of encouragement,i do not believe anyone is inherrently lazy

Terra - posted on 02/18/2013

As much as I hate those who label kids with ADHD when they don't have it, I get SO angry when someone who knows nothing about the kids or parents claim misdiagnosis or that the dr's are just out for more money. It's so wrong!! I am an adult who has suffered from ADHD my whole life and has never been on meds. My son however, was just failing at everything and was starting to be depressed most days. He felt like a failure. Couldn't remember to hand in his homework or would forget he even HAD homework some days. He was failing 7th grade and passed by the skin of his teeth. We decided, after many years and tears, to put him on a low dose med. After about 4 months of adjusting his dosage, he is a different kid! Wait, no... that's not correct... he is the SAME energetic and super funny kid he has always been. But now, he can control himself! When testosterone was added to the mix, he was getting SO angry at everyone and himself. He had even physically fought with his brother and sisters.
Now on meds, he is an A and B student, loves life and is recognizing when he misses his dose that we ALL have a bad day. :-) But he especially suffers those days because everything angers him or he can't focus.
That being said, not all kids have ADHD and some with it don't need meds. It's all a personal decision.

I am NOT saying your son has ADHD, I just read some of the posts being angry with those suggesting it. I would just hate for you to discount something that very well be the issue. That being said, I think counseling is a great idea. Growing up is HARD! Sometimes they just need someone to listen and to help them learn skills to cope with the changes.

Punk - posted on 02/08/2013

Lead them by example. And pray to God regarding this issue. Make him understand that when he is lazy he will have to face the poverty of the world. Try your best to make him understand through LOVE. God bless ..

Jennifer - posted on 02/01/2013

I am another one who does not have any suggestions, but is essentially in the same boat and looking for answers also. My son is 15 and failing 9th grade - and while he says it bothers him that he's failing, he's not really interested in doing anything about it. I've had all the talks with him, tried taking things away that are important to him (which these days amounts to just his phone - he does no sports or activities and has no interests), met with the school several times, but we are stuck. He says that the work is just too hard, but then much of his failing grade comes from not turning in the homework. (And I'll sit with him to make sure the homework is done, it just never makes it to the classroom.) He's even failing gym because he doesn't bring gym clothes, doesn't participate or just doesn't show up. He has ADD, and is extremely distracted by EVERYthing in high school, especially the other kids (esp. girls). I pulled him out of public school after he failed the 6th grade, put him in private school for 2 years and he ended 8th grade with a B+ average. (My mom thinks the private school must have been generous with the grades - but he actually took and passed a science regents in 8th grade, so... I'm thinking not.) The difference was that his private school had 8 kids in the whole grade, his public school has more than 500. He is overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed... and his attitude is what is killing me most of all. I get that teens are lazy, they backtalk as a way to assert their independence and start separating from mom... I really get all that, but I still don't know how to handle it or what to do with it. We're seeing a counselor together, which he thinks is silly since he is a good kid (no detention, fights, etc.). I can appreciate that, but his grades are awful, he has no motivation and is disrespectful to me, so I need to find a solution. Going back to private school is not an option. We've tried huntington learning center, score and tutors. We've tried having me work with him or check his homework, but I often work 14 hour days, and I have a 5 year old, too, who needs my attention, and I'm exhausted. I'm working so much harder at this than he is! I keep asking the school the same question: He can't be the first ADD kid you've had who is failing. What do you do for this situation? And I keep getting no answer. He does have a resource room - which is a huge help - but judging by his grades, is nowhere near enough.

Shirley - posted on 01/29/2013

IF this was 25 or 30 years ago, I would have said beat his butt, BUT, since its not then, maybe instead of taking away for the Bad Behavior, try Rewarding for the Good behavior.
My son is 13 and in the 8th grade, he goes to a special school because he's very dissruptive,
He has done the same things as your son....He can do it, when he puts his mind to it.
He has ripped up homework assignmnets,.. We got that nipped in the bud, Now the Teacher emails me every day to tell me what my little angel has done that day.
When he curses out the teacher we take the laptop away for a day or two.
But, when he gets a good report and gets back on track and ups his levels, then he gets a surprize, the last time was just he and I went to see a movie he wanted to go see.
And its been little by little, when he gets home, its MOM go look at your email!
And I also have his dad as a back up, if he don't obey me. Good luck.

Ruby - posted on 01/25/2013

I have a 15 year old now that was the same when he was 13. I struggled with him since he was 8 in education. Sometimes it is not worth it to get your heart racing and overworked. Trust me..I thought of every solution. I gave him the top rewards..did not work, gave him consequences..did not work. Nothing was getting better until one day I sat down and had a serious talk with him, at the time he was 13. I told him that from now on..he is on his own. I let him fail and had him take responsibility for his own consequences and actions. He actually responded like if he did not care and told me good..you will be off my back. I did take away his PS3 which was his world. He ended up failing. He was so embarrassed and humiliated and humble after this time. I spoke to the principal without him knowing and they passed him only if he took extra classes and did well in them. So he went all through the summer thinking that he was going to repeat the grade lol. The first day of school we registered him and when we spoke to the counselor..he was the happiest camper in the world lol. Since then..he now works diligently to keep his grades up. Sometimes they need to fail on their own without pressure so they can reap the consequences. Every child/teen is different..this worked for me.

Lisa - posted on 01/23/2013

What is "Saturday School"? And do they have it in all 50 States? Sounds like something I need to look in to...!

Lisa - posted on 01/23/2013

@ Stephanie Hughs, my son is almost 15 and he is the exact same as your son in what his grades are and what his teachers tell me, even down to the "showing me the HW "! I've been jumping through hoops not only with my son but the educators as well! There has to be a connection somewhere here, I can't be the only one that sees this? There is a failure in our school system if our children are not interested enough to do the work?! I hear "it's boreing , it's to easy or I don't understand this stuff"! When I asked about the work and the format of the assignments,... I was told that the "State" mandates all the curiccullum for the classes, and thats what the teachers "HAVE" to go by?! I don't know what else I can do except go to class with him and be a student once again! That way I CAN make sure the work gets done and turned in on time! BTW, my son has all F's in his 1st year @ Highschool, and doesn't seem to care in the least....! He is now at the point that even his test scores are poor, because he didn't do the assigments nessesary to "Understand" everything that would be on the test?! He might THINK he's bright but he isn't SHOWING that he's bright !! His Dad and I want more for him than he wants for himself!!! I know that he is a teenager but give me a break....this is way over the top.

Lisa - posted on 01/23/2013

Why does everything have to be "diagnosed"? You can't just be, high strung or flighty anymore,...you have to have a "letter" attached to the problem!!??This to me is just a way for ,Psycologist's, Physiciatrist's and MD's to make more money! Just the fact that the drug supply business is booming for all this too boggles my mind as well! If your child acts out just a fraction he/she is automaticlly LABELED with ADD,ADHD or some other letter problem. I think that there are to many drugs being given and not enough finding out about what's really wrong! I can't be th only one who has these same questons?

Roman - posted on 01/22/2013

My name is Roman...I am one of these children.....I lie and I stay up late...and worst of all everybody thinks I'm smart and thinks really high of me. I get it a lot to from teachers from mom from grandparents....BUT I HATE HW!!!! To me I know all of this stuff and I don't feel like doing it. I got in a fight today with my mother because she took away my game prevallages and I believe the teacher has it out for me and i m getting kicked out of the honors class even thoe this other kid is doing woorst..other classes I do turn in the work and he losses it and I redo it all over and I get tired of it...it wont help taking stuff away because they find other entertainment...trust me.... I don't know what to do either even thoe IM the one not doing the work....and its hard for me... I have adhd/add and it is REALLY hard for me to focus. I tell my mom that my pill needs more dosege but she doesn't really seem to notice becauce it orks while she's home...I need help. Not after school help that even worse for me because when I get my hw done there they won't let me go for 30min until its time for every one else to go. So please just let us get threw it...its probally a phase I need help but I just think its puberty.... please someone give me the awnswer...I lovemy mom and I really hate fighting with her clnstantly.

Michelle - posted on 01/21/2013

He does not need tutoring and honestly it will be a waste of your money. The counselor will help but I had a daughter who did the same thing and when I asked her about it she said that she already knew it and had nothing to gain from doing it because her grades didn't matter until high school. The fact is that may be true but once she got to high school her grades were still bad because she didn't know how to stay organized and manage her time. You are going to have to give up your time if you want to see improvement you will have to sit with him every night before he gets his work done with nothing to do after. I took everything from my daughter except a mattress and let her earn things back depending on their value and how her grades have improved. Don't even let him eat dinner until he has done one worksheet.

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2013

Asdf, Unless you ARE a parent then you shouldn't answer with a generalization of all Moms! We are doing everything to Help our children, thats why we are on this site! To get input from others with the same kind of problems, not because we "aren't good moms" as you put it!! But, because we ARE good mothers.

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2013

I want to know if anyone else out there thinks that our children are being "Dumbed Down" by all this Tech stuff? My14 year old son says he can't do the work without the use of a computer or other such devices? We have taken away his phone. tablet and computer priviledges as a form of punishment at times too? I wonder how we managed without all this when I was in school? When we managed to get through school just fine with paper and pencil/pen!!!??Anybody out there agree?

Lisa - posted on 01/20/2013

I just found this site and joined! We have a son in 9th grade who refuses to do any, and I mean any of the requierd work! And if he does decide to do it he won't follow through and turn it in??!! This I can't figure out? He has started with C's anD's but went down to F's in all but one class. Now even in that class he has an F? I am at the end of my rope, I have done everything that is humanly possible (short of doing the work myself) to help him through, but nothing has worked!!! We have talked with his teachers and I am in contact with them on the school website too. I have spoken to the councelor as well,.....and when that didn't seem to help I went to his Assistant Principal!? All our son wants to do is, be the class clown, he is at his best when he's making a joke or having a conversation where he is the focal point! We have taken away priviledges and his tech stuff, but he sneaks them from their hideing spots! He is verbally agressive with me and sometimes with his dad too. We are "later in life parents" and so now I have medical issuses that limit some of my activity,but we do everything we can to be there for our son! He is not locked in a closet or beat. He is well fed and cared for, has decent clothes and shoes too. We are not rich by far so don't buy "brand name" stuff, can't afford to. We've tried to instill good values and respect, trouble with that,... is that he shows everyone else respect BUT his parents!!!!!! We often hear how well mannered he is or "You've done a nice job raisng your son"!!!??? All the while,(after saying thank you), I'm thinking you should hear him and see him at home!!??? If anyone has an answer that is not going to break the bank let me know. It will be of no use to home school him because he adamantly refutes everything I say or try to do for him. He WILL NOT do anything I ask of him .....ever!! Unless, he wants something! Have even tried , "The Total Transformation" , that hasn't worked here either.Need to find answers that will help NOW please! Thank you Lisa

Anita - posted on 12/24/2012

Good advice. I will try to be emotionally detached.

Unfortunately, his school district doesn't fail kids in middle school so there is little consequences. Sigh.

Donna - posted on 12/24/2012

Hi Melinda, I have a son, now 15 and a sophomore who went thru (and is going thru) the same thing. He went from honor student in the 6th grade, to having to go to summer school for the 9th grade because he did not do his assignments. There is no quick and easy solution. Puberty hits some kids hard and throws them for a loop, they see no point in school or doing the work, and do not realize that being smart is not enough. "Intelligence without ambition is like a bird without wings" I would suggest you meet with the school psychologist, principal, and special education people and devise a plan. Detention doesn't seem to be working (unless he is doing his homework/classwork during detention), and could be very detrimental to your son, so I would fight for an alternative. Is there a homework club at the school? Try to detach yourself from the situation and think about what is really going on with your boy. Is he hanging out with a new group of kids? Is he trying to be cool? Perhaps you need to let him fail. This may seem harsh, but better he fails and either goes to summer school or repeat the year, in middle school than in high school. You cannot carry him or force him for much longer, and he may not realize the consequences of his actions by your words. Perhaps he needs to experience the consequences for himself in order to learn, and better now than later. Another responder below, says that her daughter went thru the same thing and turned around on her own. It is so hard for us parents to know whether to hang on, or let go. But the most important thing of all, is that you maintain a good relationship with your son. School will come and go, but your son will always be your son. Detach from his success/failure at the school - that, in the end, is his business, and love him where he's at. Continue to talk to him about the importance of an education, and the consequences of his actions, point out how he is harming himself, but do not be consumed and emotionally charged about it. And continue to advocate for him at the school in order to come up with alternatives, consequences and rewards, that make fit the crime, and make sense. Good luck to you!

Mary - posted on 12/23/2012

wow, i have only just found this sight, and i guess i am 2 years too late! i wonder how it worked out for you.My son is 15, does not do his homework, and is failing every subject except English and Maths right now.He is a budding actor, and DJ, and is very talented.He goes to school, participates in class discussions, just won't do the work.I really do not know what to do...

Anita - posted on 12/21/2012

This is very familiar territory for me and I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
The kid is capable but gets distracted, forgets to put it in his planner so neither of us knows it needs to be done, then it's too late and the quarter is done. We've tried having the teacher sign off when he writes in his planner and when he turns in work. They fell to the wayside after a few weeks because he is shy and really doesn't like to take risks. It also doesn't help that there aren't enough time before and after class for him to talk to his teachers before he has to run off the the next class.

It definitely is a motivation issue and not an ability issue for us. I still haven't figured out the solution but I'm hopeful he outgrows this. A friend of mine had the same problem with his then tween daughter. A student, can't seem to turn her work in. Now she is in HS and is the complete opposite. Drives herself crazy with meeting deadlines.

If anyone has a good idea, I'm open!

Thanks!!

Lainie - posted on 12/16/2012

I find this encouraging to know that I am not alone. I have the same issue, my 15 yr old son is very bright, creative, capable but refuses to apply himself and put forth any effort whatsoever. I have been on him since 6th grade-even tried the tutoring in 7 and 8. He barely hung on in those grades..tried all the same punishments. I took away games, friends, the internet, phone and I am not an extreme disciplinarian but appropriate I would think. I kept going back to the theory that it must be something I am not doing right. I have been telling him, from my heart that I care and want to help. I have explained that these choices will affect the rest of his life, encouraged him to set goals. I've communicated with teachers, had meetings with the prinicipal. he saw a counselor. Here we are failing the first trimester of 9th grade. You would think that the consequence of having to repeat these classes to obtain credit and the possibility of not graduating with his class would wake him up. Just a week after a discussion about all of this he is being given Saturday school for missing assignments. There was a incident with one teacher as well, he was called upon to answer a mulitple choice answer and the letter of the answer was "D" ...(A. B. C. D. for the answer of the question). He stated the answer was "D" and this teacher said aloud in front of the entire class "I meant the answer to the question, not your grade". I read in a post below that one student was bothered by sarcasm in class and it was hindering his response in the class. I am okay with speaking to the school about this incident, but moving on. There was tension on both sides and I am dealing with the major stress of trying to get my 15 year old back on the right path, I certainly did not need this as well. However, I am not at my wit's end! I feel I have tried everything. Making him work, allowances, grounding, taking away things, saying no when I need to. So now I have a meeting with the school-his teachers, the counselor and him as well. I know he is no angel and these ridiculous excuses for not turning in work are just that, ridiculous. I know I have to face this head on, as I have with all of our previous issues. I am just sad and stressed over this as I am dealing with major work stress as well. I have seen that other parents have faced this "laziness" and I truly believe it is like a disease or something plaguing this generation. My 20 year old daughter had the whole world in her hands and basically did nearly the same thing, she got all A's in school was in sports and then all of a sudden had a boyfriend and everything went to hell in a hand basket fast. But now she has taken her knocks, learned the hard way and is finally taking care of business. You would also think that this example would inspire my son to do better. I am no idiot derelect. I have always worked, pay my bills, we have what we need. During our last discussion, he admitted he is lazy and needs motivation, wants us to be harder on him and we have been but the very next day it is the same thing. I go online, check the homework and he has no idea what happened with such and such assignment!!! I really hope the school wants to work with me as I am literally losing sleep and in severe agony over this situation.

Kris - posted on 12/08/2012

There's something he looks forward to after school. At 13, it's probly the usual teenage boy stuff, so I'd try to find out what it is, without having to snoop through his room. My son is 8, and he hurries through his homework all the time. He loves watching me and my husband play games on the computer, so he'll rush through his work so he can hurry over to watch us. He's getting better about not rushing through though. We started making him slow down his writing so we can read it better, and if he got a d or below on school work, we would copy it and make him do it again. He usually gets most of the answer correct when he have him do it again. If he doesn't start bringing one of his grades up, I'm going to set a time where he can't watch us play, or watch tv.



It might not be laziness. It could be total and utter boredom. I had a friend like that a long time ago. He was so bored during school, he was always getting in trouble, yet he got straight a's. Your son could be getting 0's because he might already know the information, and thinks he doesn't need to do it. And I'm sorry, but detention is a waste of time IMO. I mean, if it worked, then kids would stop getting into so much trouble, but obviously it doesn't because the kids keep getting detention.



Try talking to his teachers, and having all of them get together, and make a copy of all of his work, class and home, and email it to you. That way you can print it out, and he won't have an excuse not to do it, and he won't lose it. Have him sit at the dinner table, or somewhere you can watch/check on him to make sure he's doing it.



One other thing you can try is to make him so bored he either does his work to pass the time, or he starts sleeping 16 hrs a day lol. No tv, no computer, no phone privaleges of any kind.....anything he's interested in, go out of his room and into yours, or somewhere he won't/can't get into.



And I disagree Angie. No it isn't a teachers job to babysit your child, but it IS their job to teach them, and to make sure they do the work, and they understand the work. It doesn't really take much time for 1 teach to fill out assignments for the day, unless they give specific details about it. My teachers did that with all of their students in a few different schools(I moved around alot, not got kicked out of them). If a teacher isn't willing to work with a parent and/or the student, then they aren't a very good teacher and shouldn't be working in a school. In my kid's elem school, my sons teacher has a paper with the date of the school day, and a line for us to initial, so she knows that we went thru his folder. And once a week, she sends a weekly behavior report home that we have to sign and send back, so she knows that we know how he behaved in class.



All of my teachers had to keep contact with my mom a lot. I've had adhd since I was real little, so I always had a hard time in school. They would come up with different ideas on how to get me to concentrate, or figure out how I can grasp math, or whatever other problem I had. It was a constant war, and sometimes I lost a battle.



Yes, it would be more work for the teacher, and more work for you, but that's the description for both jobs; to help kids learn. It's not really about learning when we invaded what country, or what y equals. It's about teaching them that they have to do what they don't want to, to get something they do want in the end, and responsibility, and a sense of accomplishment, confidence, help them learn who they are as an individual, and help them realize they can take care of themselves, and don't need mommy and daddy holding their hands forever.



But before you come up with any kind of plan, you should have a conference with you, your son, and his teacher at the same time. That way, no one can twist or manipulate situations, or make problems worse then they really are. And you can get the view of both sides, which will make it easier to find a way to help him.



Has it crossed your mind that he might "lose" his work because someone at school is threatening him so they can copy his work, and rather then getting in trouble, he'd fail? Or maybe that someone has picked on him so much that he believes them, and thinks he's too stupid? I know it sounds cheesy as hell, but try talking to him, and get him to open up and tell you why he's acting up in school. Or is he acting up at home too?

Richeel - posted on 12/06/2012

It took some doing but I finally got some answers to part of the problem. One issue he shared with my husband was he felt like the teachers really didn't care. He said he was afraid to ask questions because they are so sarcastic to other students when they asks questions that he doesn't bother. He also said that some of the students make fun of them ( smart kids) so they can't be but so "smart". Another issue was because he knew the subjects so well he felt like doing the homework was pointless. He felt teachers were giving homework as punishment. Still working on some solutions but I've resorted to what some might call bribery or rewards instead of so much punishment. He wanted allowance ( or more allowance). I told him school is his job and essentially if he doesn't "work" he doesn't get paid. Seems to be working a lot better than just giving allowance.

GG - posted on 12/06/2012

I feel your frustration. I am in also in a similar boat. My son is 11 and he is in the gifted program. He is having problems turning in his homework or completeing assignements. He either completes the assignments and does not turn them in or just "forgets to do them". Last year in Elementary I felt like the school held his hand the whole way because I worked there. Now that he is in middle school the focusing issues are getting worse. All his teachers agree that he has the potential to be an A student and everything that he does turn in is A work. This is the 2nd year where I am hearing the same thing from teachers " He is a bright kid but he is just not focused" . I feel he lacks organazation skills and the initiative to focus is just not there. I have tried praising him, taking privlages away, rewarding him. Sometimes I feel like he cant help what he does. He looks at me and cries like he is frusturated. I pray for him and for myself to help me understand and find a way to help him. We have a really good relationship and I ask him to tell me how he is feeling, but he just doesnt get it. I am at the point where maybe he might have ADD or ADHD. I can also use and advice or suggestion. Thank you

Slisa - posted on 12/02/2012

Hi. I went through the same stuggle starting with my child's 4th grade class, and hit a very bad spot last school year, when my son was in the 7th grade. I even got called to meet with the school. I sat down and had a one on one with my child and found that he was stuggling with balancing school and the social aspect of teen-life. My child felt the pull to become socially accepted, therefore decided socializing was more important than school. How I fixed it took time and searching of who my child is and what may work for us. I expained how to balance fun and hard work; homework being hard-work. Then every night (and I mean EVERY night) I asked him what was good and what was bad in his day. Then I coached him through the bad and how finding popularity may not always be the best for everyone and why. I hope that helps. I still struggle at times, but being a mother is the best job I ever had; good or bad. Good luck.

Technus - posted on 11/29/2012

Asdf - You are talking out of your ass. This mother is reaching out for help, if she was a social butterfly who only cared about looking good, she wouldn't even be asking for help but lying about how great her kid is in school.



Perhaps you are the one who needs to get over yourself, you are just a kid in school and not even a mother yourself. You have a lot of life experience to catch up on if you even want to form your own opinion here.



But regardless, it's obvious you are just trolling here.

Amber - posted on 11/28/2012

Asdf-

I am sorry, but as a Mother, seeking advise from other parents who may have been through something is one of the best ways. Try becoming a mother before you judge anyone. No child comes with a user guide. It truly takes a community to raise a child. Please don't read if you don't have any positive feedback. We mothers are under stress already, which is why we google to see what others may have tried. Thank you.

Asdf - posted on 11/28/2012

Okay, people who came here from google.

I am not a mom. I am currently in school.

YOUR KIDS ARE JUST LAZY.

My mom says "oh my son is so smart" I am lazy as heII. No, if you are a good mom and do know what to do by instinct and not just look at google and say "I give in"

If you moms just google every life decision, answer my question.

Why?

Sorry there is no google answer for that.

Get over yourselves. You guys are the kinds of moms that are the "social" butterflies who do whatever you can to look good.

Amber - posted on 11/27/2012

So you just described my 13 year old son struggling in the 8th grade. He is smart enough for honors classes and the gate program. However turning in the work has been the challenge. I have found that emailing the teachers and checking grades all the time is helping. I have also offered that is he does good for set periods of time that he can choose a reward. I know that sounds like everyone says but it is helping. At the school my son is in there is an free after school program that he is in. They also help track the homework and reward system, as well as keep him from fun clubs at school. Have you checked for ADD?

Tricia - posted on 11/26/2012

Just joined. I want to say that i have been dealing with this for almost 3 years. What I have to say could fill a book. Please everyone check out National Guard Challenge. It's nationwide. Ours is called Tarheel Challenge. There might be one in your state. My son starts in Jan. It is an answer to a prayer. Look it up!!

Mary - posted on 11/18/2012

I have all the same issues. My son scores very high on state standarized tests but two years ago just decided he didn't want to do homework anymore. He was an A student (a few Bs) all through sixth grade and then he just stopped working. He is an outstanding writer and should be in honors English but at the moment is carrying an F, purely over not turning in assignments. I just ordered information on a military school and I am going to let him go get the mail and find it in there. We'll see if it works.

Tina - posted on 11/13/2012

My son is in the 9th grade and sounds like so many others in these posts. He is smart but just wont turn in his work or do the work, and lies about it. I found this out when I got his progress report. I am so frustrated, he goes to private school and it is a huge sacrifice to keep him there. I am at the point of not re-enrolling him next year and just making him home school which I don't know if I can. So tired of spending so much money and he don't even care! At my wits end. Advice please anyone!

Patty - posted on 11/07/2012

I kept talking and talking to my daughter about the value of homework and how this affects the overall grade but it never got through... until I did this. I took out three glasses and a pitcher. For the glasses, the first I labeled homework, the second test and the third participation. So then I asked to show me how well she is filling up the glasses. Nothing in homework, a more than half for the test and last one had a little. Now I asked her to dump them into the pitcher. I had the pitcher marked off with grades. The water didn't fill the pitcher very high and so hence the grade was low. We kept playing around with the different combinations until if finally stuck. Homework then started to get turned in. ... Sometimes they need to see something physical.

STEPHANIE - posted on 11/07/2012

OMG I'm so glad I googled this site! So good to know that I'm not alone! My son just turned 13, he had pretty good grades up until 7th grade, but now his last report card is TERRIBLE!! I mean he may not be allowed to be in the culmination ceremony!! And it's just because of laziness! His teachers say he gets A's and B's on his tests and classwork, he just doesn't turn in his homework! I check every night if he's done it and he says he has, and he shows me his "homework" but it must not be, or all his teachers wouldnt be saying otherwise. It would be great to learn some tips/tricks from any of you other moms out there who are experiencing the same sort of problems.

Dana - posted on 11/02/2012

My son did great all through school, he got all the way up to his senior year and man he is just going down. Hes always been on honor roll, but he got a girlfriend this last summer and he just changed over night. Now hes mister big pants and skips class. Im so disappointed with him. I just let go of the reins and said have at it. Hes going to be 18 in a couple of months and i Just dont have any control anymore. Hes always been such a good boy, im so shocked. He moved in with his girlfriend and her family and they love him. I like her family and I know im going through a divorce with his step dad that he has hated for 11 years.I had to move in with my mom and its not the greatest place, but I dont know what else to do. I guess I just have to let go of some things right now. I just got a job and I plan to save and get us a place and maybe he will come home. I feel so bad that I let things get like this.

Patricia - posted on 10/30/2012

Oh we are all in the same boat. 14 year old, grade 9, smart, lazy, but not a bad kid. Just doesn't care about school at all. I am at my wit's end. Literally. I am so stressed every night telling him to do homework, him telling me to wait, me trying to get him to get out of bed in the morning., him not caring if he is late or I am late for work. He is a good kid, great personality, no trouble except for getting him to put in effort to school. I have tried to reward him for grades with money, money for waking up on time, taking away things. Nothing seems to help and I am so frusrated. I am sorry I have no motivation for you, just complaints of my own but at least we are not alone.