Son's best friend since age four now suddenly wants to be his girlfriend.

Margaret - posted on 06/28/2012 ( 28 moms have responded )

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I am floored. My dear boy (age fifteen) and a girl we have known since they were in preschool together are suddenly a couple, or they would be if I didn't forbid it.

Turns out the last several weeks she has been staying on our property overnight a lot, without me knowing though my husband was aware and helped my son get her a key to our guest cottage, supposedly to keep her save.

This girl has had a really tough life so far, her father died when she was six and her mother became a complete mess with an endless parade of loser boyfriends, the latest of which apparently tried to rape her.

I just learned that my son saved her there, confronting the creep after getting a desperate text from her, same way he took it upon himself to protect her for years in school from the relentless teasing and abuse she got, being as vulnerable as she is and perceived to be more then a bit weird.

Now they claim they are "in love".

I am just devastated that this girl would betray us in this way, by trying to have some romantic or (God forbid) sexual notions for my son.

I didn't mind them being just friends. I always thought they had more a brother/sister type of relationship. He has always been there for her, helping her and protecting her.

Vast throngs of girls have been after him for what seems like ages. I can understand why, he's very handsome, tall and athletic, well groomed, straight A student, articulate, mature and well mannered.

But my son has not been allowed to have a girlfriend, period.

My husband is no help, he claims that he knew they were in love long before they did and has no problem with it, thinks that is was inevitable and that our son caring for her is really the best thing that's ever happened to her.

I want him to concentrate on studies and achievements and not take any risk of being sidetracked by some little girl and her personal agenda. I don't want his life ruined. I want to protect him.

I am deathly afraid they're going to have sex (if they're not already) and she's going to allow herself to get pregnant just to get out of the rotten life she's got.

Despite her issues I feel she is a good kid, smart and pretty and deserves better then the hand she was dealt. But she still can't have my son.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kristi - posted on 06/29/2012

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Wow! So she doesn't deserve to be raped but she doesn't deserve "love" (teenage love that we all had) either or at least not from someone as good as your son. I hope you keep your computer under lock and key, where there is no chance he'd ever see this. I would quit school, move as far away from you as I could, go back to school, go to college, get a job, knock her up somewhere in there, send MY DAD a picture of his gorgeous, perfect granddaughter and never speak to you again, if my mother said this about me and one of my friends, even!

I totally get the desire to protect your son. I think we all do. It is a mother's nature. We all want our children to do well and go far in life. I'm sure your son is a wonderful young man, just as you have described. But you'd do well for yourself by taking him off the pedestal you have him on. Like it or not, he's coming off that thing at some point. He, just like you, just like the rest of us did, will fall and just think what will happen if he falls all the way down from that pedestal and you try to catch him, he'll crush you just like a tin can. Then what good will you be to anyone? He's going to need help getting back up, but since he's been way up high for so long you really don't have any idea what's been going on inside with him and now you're a tin can, how are you going to relate to him and help him find his way again?

"straight A student, articulate, mature..." By your own words, your son is smart enough not to allow his girlfriend, to allow herself to get pregnant, which, by the way, it is the responsibility of both parties to use birth control, not just the female's. Your son is a young man, if he hasn't yet, he is going to start questioning you, he's going to want to make more of his own decisions, and he'll probably push the envelope a little, too. That is not the girl's fault. That is just life. All teens want to spread their wings, to gain some independance. And based on what I know to be true, you have to give them some or they will try to take it all, at some point before they are 18. It's a balancing act between too much and not enough but it can be done.

Now, granted, this poor girl's life has been dramatic, I'd say traumatic is more like it. But if she has been friends with your family since preschool and your son has shown her unconditional and unwavering friendship, I don't think she has to "TRY to have some romantic (God forbid) sexual notions" for your son. I think if she does that it is a very natural and logical response to all they've been through together over the years. I very highly doubt she is trying to cold heartedly calculate your son's demise or betray you, I think you are just being a little dramatic about that. He's not a mindless stooge, I'm sure she isn't going to be able to manipulate him into doing whatever she wants. As it appears you are trying to do in order to keep him away from her and on the path you want for him. If you trust that you've raised him well, and it sounds like you do, then you have to trust him to make some of his own decisions. Who he wants to date is one of those decisions. You and your husband should sit down with him and just be open with one another. Not judgemental and catastrophic but open minded and willing to listen.

Kristi - posted on 07/09/2012

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Margo--

"...a penchant for playing the damsel in distress to get what she wants."

Are you kidding me? Where did you come up with that one? How do you figure a 6 year old who's lost her father, is later a constant target for bullies because she was "vulnerable" and "perceived to be more than a tad bit weird," and is almost raped by her messed up mother's boyfriend, who may or may not have tried to rape the daughter of a previous girlfriend, "PLAYING the damsel in distress?" What part of ANY of that do you perceive as any of her fault? And remind me, what did she get out of all that? Oh, I bet while the kids were in preschool together Margaret's son started playing with another girl's toys and it was then that she realized she must devise a plan to kill her father so she could win the boy back. Yes, it is all making so much more sense now! (absolute sarcasm!)

Did you even read any of the following comments? Margaret's update about what is currently going on is the 7th post down from this one. Since you are obviously joining us late in the game, allow me to give you a few highlights:

The young girl is now out of danger. (BTW that is a good thing.)

Margaret and her family MOVED the young girl into their guest cottage. (she was not squatting before that either, as Dad knew what was going on.)

Family Services is involved and has granted Margaret and her family temporary custody of the young girl.

A lawyer has been retained to handle any legal situations that might arise.

Why don't you reread all of Margaret's comments, including the first one...right there at the end, ...."I feel she is a good kid, smart and pretty and deserves better then the hand she was dealt."

I know this entire post is off topic but people like you make me sick, Margo. Narrow minded, holier than thou, blaming the victim attitude is gross. Ask yourself, if my daughter endured those traumatic events, would I want others saying she was just a "young girl with a penchant for playing the damsel...," and she just wants attention or is in it for money or God only knows what else you think she wanted, or would I want someone to be sympathetic and compassionate (like Margaret, herself, turned out to be) and demand justice for what had been done to her? (that was not the most fluent sentence I ever put down on paper but hey...I hope I got my point across)

I apologize to everyone for going off topic and having a hissy fit but I cannot "read" this kind of attitude and casually move on. I know I don't even know the girl, either, but somebody has to stand up for her when she's being put down and is not around to defend herself. I would do the same for others and would hope someone would do the same for me.

Kristi - posted on 07/02/2012

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Once again, WOW! You make a pre-teen vow he will not date until he graduates from college, roughly around age 21, what part of you thought that was rational or realistic on any level? And now instead of supporting your son and this "good kid, smart and pretty {who} deserves better then the hand she was dealt," you are accusing her, the victim, of lying. I have more than a couple of issues with your line of thinking regarding all of this. First, you brag about your son and what a smart, mature young man he is. You elude to the fact that he is (that you are) above everyone else. He is obviously a young man with good character and strength to stand by and protect his friend from bullies and later, a rapist. He is capable of having a healthy, open relationship with his father and has been seeking guidence and support from him, another indicator of maturity and level-headedness. Yet, in the next breath, you talk as if he is an ignorant little boy with the decision making skills and brains of a 5 year old. So, which is he? I would say, with confidance, I know which one he is.

Next, you tell of the awful things this young girl has endured thus far. You write about her mother bringing home "a parade of loser boyfriends" and that the mother, herself, is a "mess."
Most girls/women do not make up stories about being raped. Whose attention was she trying to get? She already has your son's attention. You have known her since preschool and again I refer you to your OP, good kid, smart, yet you're going to take the word of her messed up mother, which btw, it is her best interest to lie about her boyfriend trying to rape her daughter, over this girl you've know forever? And I suppose your son AND your husband are both just gullible apes who don't know any better? All of this is better to believe than believing your son and this girl deeply care about one another and that despite your best efforts, your son is already an independant thinker with a strong moral compass, who is not condescending and self centered.

Thank God for Dad! He obviously made the right decision in not telling you about his trusted relationship with your son and the things that they have been working through together. Look at your reactions. You should count yourself blessed that your son is talking to your husband about sex before deciding whether or not to partake. Many kids don't listen when they are taught about sex, they don't confide before they have sex and they don't wait or ask for their parents permission when they decide to have sex. You and your forbading are going to wind you up alienated (further) and deprived of a future with your son. I strongly suggest you climb off your high horse, open your eyes, face reality, REAL reality, not your jacked up sense of reality, sit down with your family and with an open mind, ask nicely about how things are going. Then LISTEN. See if you can muster up some compassion and understanding and go from there. For your son's sake, more than anyone's, I hope you are able to do these things. It would be a shame for him to be forced into rebellion and take the "risk of being side tracked by some little girl (you) and her personal agenda."

Crystal - posted on 06/30/2012

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Ok...you made a pact with a boy entering middle school before he even knew girls existed. And now you want to hold him to that promise that he didn't even understand when he made it. Your going to have to grow up with him because he's not going to be the middle schooler forever. Your child, if you have raised him the way you say, will do what he thinks us best. They have to start making decisions or he will never learn that real life is gonna knock you down a few times but what builds character is how he handles those challenges. I know this is morbid but, what do you think your son would do if you passed away tomorrow. You want what YOU perceive to be the best for him. It may not work out that way. He has to make these decisions or he will not have the skills, coping mechanisms, of even the maturity to face and own those decisions. And by the way, you sound like a snob. Telling him it's ok to help someone that has issues but it's not ok to date someone with issues. Guess what we all have issues and baggage that's brought to any relationship.

Carrie - posted on 07/06/2012

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Margaret, you obviously have done well so far raising a wonderful young man. However, it is far easier to forbid a young boy from having girl/boyfriend, than it is a young man, Your son (in my opinion) has a huge, caring heart, capable of understanding, love compassion, & respect for women, & everyone else. Yes, this young girl has had a terrible time of it (& this is just what you & others have been made aware of, there may be even more), but that doesn't make her unworthy, or undeserving of a wonderful person's love, caring, & kindness. If you push for him not to be involved with her there are a million ways it could go. You could succeed in keeping them apart (most likely just in your presence), you could create an issue where there may have never been one, you could have a resentful son, & a hurt (due to misunderstanding) future daughter-in-law. Your son is 15, & if this young lady is his girlfriend, and she is his first girlfriend. If I were you, I would follow your husband's lead on this one, & not make a huge issue of it before you are given reason to be truly concerned. IF your son's attitude changes to one of disrespect, if his grades start to suffer and things of that nature then you can approach the situation from that angle, then you aren't "attacking" this young lady, you are insead showing concern for your son. You cannot "protect" him forever, anymore than I can protect my son from everything. All we can do as parents is teach, & guide them when they are little, be there for them as they get older, & support them in anyway they ask.
Also, my MIL has this attitude (you cannot have my son) regarding my husband. He and I have known one another for 13, or 14 years. We were together for four when we started planning our wedding, between my mother, & his, we not only gave up on those plans, but split briefly as well. Two years ago on May 5 we were married by the magistrate in our city. Our best friend, our son (he chose to be my son's dad at 8 months, there is no biology between them), my mom, stepdad, his mom, his aunt (neither stood up for him, they did stand up for a french couple who were being married after us), & his brother. We have had some tough times, but more great times. We celebrate them as a family (the three of us first), then share with everyone else. It would be lovely if the in-laws could cooperate and get together, but I won't put myself, or my guy's in a situation that's bound to fail. I tell you this, so maybe you can understand from "that girl's" point of view, that as much as we would like our families to blend, there is too much ulgy preceeding it. I hope you can overcome your concerns, before you accidentally create the situation you fear most.

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Shawnn - posted on 09/14/2012

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Patricia, and Julie, did you not read the entire thread of responses? Obviously not. Margaret has worked this out, and is in a much better place with regards to her son and girlfriend.



Read the whole thing before you jump on the bandwagon

Patricia Ann - posted on 09/14/2012

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Hello, my son is 15 and know they are interested in the girls.Its when the kids these days want to do everything backwards even knowing the consequeces .All the kids are doing it now and its sad but part of the way it is now,sex is no big deal .IM sad at this ,it really fustrates me and feel helpless at times over it.I cant seem to stop the wheels from turning ,ive tried now my son will lie to me about it and that isnt what I want either.I dont mind that he will have a gf but lets not go as far to having sex.I dont like being lied to or being the ride to take them togo do the deed either.Just in case even though I dont agree with it ,he does have protection ,better safe than sorry...there was already a close call already with the same girl whom seems to have a strong hold of my son. I am tring not to blow it but maybe someone could offer some helpful feedback Thanks.....

Julie - posted on 08/11/2012

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Sorry to hear you are so devastated, but this sounds completely normal to me. The fact that they are good friends , and now have deeper feelings for each other is a natural progression for love. You sound very possessive of your son, I have two boys myself so, I sort of get it.
But it's really not your decision who steals his heart! If he is in "puppy love" he needs to know you are there for him, to support him and teach him how to be a kind, loving, respectful boyfriend to this girl. Boundaries are key and education is best.
15 years old is right on target for first relationships these days. If you are deathly afraid they are going to have sex then be sure to have serious talks with your son about not pressuring the girl, waiting so he is not emotionally confused, and use of protection being HIS responsibility not just hers due to the high risk of being a father. If you let on to your son that you disapprove, and become over bearing and protective, he is likely to shut down and sneak around. It is likely the relationship will not last long. They are young, experimenting and lucky enough to be comfortable with each other to do so. Remember your first love when you are looking at your son and see if compassion kicks in.

Margaret - posted on 07/23/2012

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I really need to thank this community in helping me get to this point. I really don't know where I would be if I had not written down here the stew of emotions I have had to process. Your responses have made a lot of the difference in getting me to perhaps even embrace what's transpired.

The past month may have been the most difficult month I have ever lived through but also the best. There's been tension but also laughter and many tears, mostly of the good kind.

I am not losing my son, I have gained a daughter. And a friend and ally. Yes, I know it's cliched.

I can't think now why I doubted that P could still be my baby (all 6'5" of him lol) yet also just as much be N's man. His heart is plenty big enough. I have never been closer to my son then I am now. Yet, I no longer flinch when P and N are affectionate with each other, I expect it.

I had feared that even a shallow teen relationship would cause P to lose focus, lose sight of his goals in life. He's never been more focused and more driven, even with this intense relationship or perhaps because of it.

They are planning a life together, openly talking about the long term, about what it will take for their relationship to endure separation, knowing that there is a lot of sacrifice and compromise in their future.

When they set a wedding date of June 2019, they cried...and I cried with them.

Finally, I am getting to really know a young woman who I have technically known since infancy yet never really knew. I am getting to know a young woman who is bubbly, witty, truly beautiful, boundlessly energetic, and fiercely loyal and protective of "her man". Just as fiercely protective as I am of "my baby".

Roxanna - posted on 07/21/2012

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I started reading your OP and ws just itching to respond...then I back tracked and read all the responses. Your last response had me in tears and it is really hard to type with tears blurring your vision and the keyboard sparking...LOL!
Seriously, you have made remarkable progress in identifying your ignorance (of the situation, not you being ignorant in general), prejudice and feelings of betrayal.
No your son has his best friend of his life as his possible partner for the rest of thier lives. Your son AND husband are heroes to that young lady!
I am so glad you have opened your heart....you will be much richer for it!

Kristi - posted on 07/09/2012

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Well Margaret, you are truly a woman of class and integrity. I think you are being too hard on yourself, now. You've made huge strides in such a short time. If you were truly a "narrow minded bitch" you'd still be kicking and screaming about this. Instead, you have opened your home and your resources, not to mention, your heart to N. Even though you may still have a few reservesations you were willing to listen, understand and act in a compassionate and generous manner. Besides, all mothers have reservations about their son or daughter's first love and even some of the ones who come after. ; ) Your son is an incredible young man, that goes to show how he was brought up. You need to give yourself credit for that.

You can't make up for anything. What's done is done. Let go of the guilt, it is not helpful for you and it will not change anything, continue to embrace the present and let your heart guide you through this. You are moving forward as a united front and I only see good things coming from that for the four of you. I had many other thoughts about you and the courage and strength you exhibited by putting aside your bias and fear about everything that was thrust upon you all at once. However, Shawnn said, very elequently, just about everything I wanted to say so reread her post and pretend my picture is there instead. LOL You are remarkable, you can do this.

I also wanted to pass along my gratitude to your husband and to N. in honor of her dad for their service to our country.

Just for the record, Margo made her own bed by making such outrageous assumptions concerning N. and her circumstances. My response to her was based solely on my principles. As I said, I would do the same for anyone who is being unjustly and unfairly accused of things that the bully has basically pulled out of his/her arse and I have very little patience when a bully tries to justify his/her behavior. Ok, I'm not going to rant anymore.

This comment is to celebrate your new freedom from prejudice and the reunification of your family as one who will be able to communicate openly, honestly and without fear of judgement and who will work together to support one another through the good times and the bad.

Shawnn - posted on 07/09/2012

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Margaret,

That is beautiful, actually. Just beautiful!

You are (rightly) proud of P. He is the best result of the excellent examples that you and your husband have given him!

(off topic a bit, and I hope you don't mind...) Please thank your husband for his service, and let N. know that her late father's service was greatly appreciated by this mom.

(Ok, back on topic now...LOL)

I don't think that you're as close- minded as you may think you are, because if you were, P would have never considered a relationship. He'd have caught your "vibes", and realized that it would distress you. I think, perhaps, you were just shocked that the relationship existed at all, and that your husband knew about it, and your initial reaction was to go overboard (Just a bit, and mind you, any of us probably would have reacted in a similar fashion)

I also think that what came across at first was more of your parents' reaction to N.'s father at your wedding, rather than your own feelings about the situation.

I did find it so touching that P. thought of your agreement as "why bother, when N's who I want to be with anyway"...That is such an innocent thought, and I can see where he didn't really think of it as "breaking a promise", because they'd known each other from the womb. That's precious to me :-) (Ok, so I'm a sentimental old bat)

I am so glad that he and his dad DID get her some help and give her methods to contact help if necessary. That was just too awesome.

On your side, I definitely can understand the hurt, frustration, and general sense of betrayal, initially...I mean, this is the man whom you've shared your life, and all of a sudden not only is he not filling you in on everything, but he's helping your son and his friend to keep things on the down low...Definitely not a trust building moment, but I think, in retrospect, it's ok now?

I'm glad things are smoothing out for you, my dear! I'm also SOOOO glad that N is starting to join society again, and enjoy her life. Hopefully a happy ending will be had for all!

Margaret - posted on 07/09/2012

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There's a whole lot more to this, I will try to explain as best I can, hopefully without getting too personal.



Kristi C. ,there is no need to apologize. There is also no need to criticize anyone posting here, other then me. Criticize me, if you must, I've been a narrow-minded bitch.



At this point I am must approach the entire matter, however difficult, from Trust in my son, with emphasis on the capital T. He really is an awesome young man and a clearer case for doing what's right has never been made. My husband, a pretty decent fellow himself, never wavered from that Trust and is helping me in this regard.



There's a whole lot I need to make up for and I should probably start by no longer referring to the young people at the center of this as "my boy" and "the girl". I will go with the first initials P. and N. respectively, instead.



Some background: My husband and N.'s father have a long history. They became closest of friends while serving together in the Gulf War, in the early 90s. Truth be told, my husband would likely not be here today, if not for the genuine heroism of N.'s father. He was the Best Man at our wedding, despite my parents misgivings at having a large, black, ex-marine included in the wedding party. Later, N.'s father moved to our town to help my husband start his business, met and married a local girl, with my husband standing up as his Best Man. Then we had P. and they had N. less then a year later.



So really, P. and N. have known each other all their lives, even before going to school together.



In 2003, N's father died in a motorcycle accident. This tragedy had an effect on my husband as well as P. Only I never realized just how profound, due to my own ignorance and lack of understanding. Not only was N's father my husbands best friend, he was also greatly admired by P. I just didn't really ever get any of that.



My husband vowed to look after the family of his friend. P. simply picked up on that and carried it forward, comforting N., helping her grieve, then being there for her, through the years, whenever she needed a friend or more rarely, a champion.



Our family, in which I will now include N. has had a lot of frank conversations lately. P. and N. together have had to spend a good amount of time catching me up to speed on all sorts of things I now realize I chose to remain ignorant about. I remained ignorant, because, even as supposedly open-minded as I claimed to be, it never dawned on me that P. could fall for a girl that wasn't white.



P. says now that he never made a fuss about my no dating rule because it never occurred to him that he'd ever want to be with anyone, other then N. He just figured I would eventually get that. Even once they both knew how the other felt and talked about it, they kept it low key, private and patiently waited.



As I said in a previous post my husband figured out long ago the real depth and nature of their relationship, before even they figured it out for themselves. And he kept his counsel and simply let P. and N. know he's there should they need him.



It was P. who picked up on what calls "a really creepy vibe" with the latest boyfriend of N's mother. At one point that man flat out asked P. if N. was still a virgin and then, getting refused an answer, made the disturbing statement along the lines of: Someone needs to do something about that. Then the guy started doing things like busting into the bathroom when she was taking a shower, claiming he didn't realize she was in there.



P. went to his father for help, who then bought a door lock that P. installed in her bedroom door and a cellphone that was set up for N. to be able to stealthily send check-ins and alarms. They also helped her put together what they call a panic kit, to be able to grab essentials and get out at a moments notice. And got her a key to the cottage that is part of our property.



Then her bedroom door was removed, taken from it's hinges. Creep now maintains he did it to protect her, claiming belief that she was having sex.



The evening that everything came to a head, N. was alone. Creep came by (supposedly to check on her), possibly quite drunk. N. was able to send an alarm to P. Without going into disturbing details, P. got there just barely in time. He got her out, and by his own admission, resisted the temptation to beat the guy to a bloody pulp. Confronted, the creep was a total coward.



That night was the only night she stayed without me knowing, not for weeks like I had assumed, due in part to how well prepared my husband and son were in the whole matter. P. stayed near her the entire night, sitting outside the door so she would feel protected but giving her space and respect. She was completely terrified and traumatized. Since then he's been treating her like a queen, making her feel special, loved and, most importantly, safe. Not waiting on her hand and foot, mind you. Just holding her when she needs to be held, taking her places, talking a lot. They've been unbelievably sweet and romantic and even though she's still having difficulties letting most people touch her, she's obviously happiest when his massive arms are wrapped around her tiny body.



She's been coming with us to his swim meets. In two weeks she has turned from being curled up in a ball on a towel at the edge of the pool into his most ardent cheerleader. Needless to say, he's never swum faster.



I should be proud of my son. And I am. N. calls him her "big damn hero", I should love her and I am just now coming to appreciate just how delicate, sweet, graceful and astoundingly beautiful N. is.



I am deeply ashamed now of my initial reactions.

Margo - posted on 07/08/2012

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Nope, you can't choose your children's friends or love interests. BUT you can call social services and the police and make sure they are in a healthy home environment and not running the streets at night or squatting in a cottage. That is the best way to "save" this young girl with a penchant for playing the damsel in distress to get what she wants.

Amanda - posted on 07/08/2012

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I agree with what has been posted and bravo for reexamining the situation and being open minded about both kids. They I am sure will appreciate your understanding and support.

Shawnn - posted on 07/06/2012

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Margaret, I'm glad you finally reexamined yourself, and your feelings. Hopefully things will move smoothly from here on out

Crystal - posted on 07/06/2012

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Margaret, you now sound like the sane mature adult about this situation. You know how you've raised your son and instilled in him the compassion, morals and maturity. Letting him make some decisions in his life is going to get harder as they get older. Yet, he has to take the training wheels so he can experience growth, decisions and experience hurt.
You sound like you are trying and taking a big step on trusting your son and his decisons. I commend you on that. After a certain age we have to start taking those risks. You have raised a wonderful son & he will make mistakes but you've just taken one of the biggest steps to repair your relationship with him. I know how hard it is. Mine are 19,18 & 17. They've suffered heartaches, fights with friends, driving & sometimes not so good mistakes. All we can do is be their rock, anchor or whatever else you want to call it. He needs to know that you'll love him unconditionally even after huge mistakes & you're building that back up by stepping down & letting him be the man he wants to be. I applaud you for listening and trying to understand. You are a good mom to even attempt what you've done in the last few days. Teach her that women are not possessions and should be respected and cherished. Their relationship may not last but she come out of the experience a self confident, moral & compassionate woman through you.
Many blessings to you & your family. The 1st step of love is to listen.

Kristi - posted on 07/06/2012

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Well, Margaret you sure surprised me! I am amazed and very excited about your post! I have to say, for all the closed minded, unrealistic comments you made in your OP, you sure accepted our outrage and disbelief with an open mind and responded with dignity and class. You are not wrong for wanting to spare your son from hearbreak, moral dilemmas and/or worse. We would all love to spare our children that. Your point about teenage romance being wasted time and energy is completely logical but it is actually a necessary part of growing up. You don't want a child who is incapable of feeling (anything). And, that would be just about the only way to prevent teenagers from having relationships. It can be and usually is, a turbulent ride through the rivers of teenage love. One minute they are best friends and they want to do everything together, like you said, intense. A few months or 1 year down the road they are tearing up pictures and throwing away everything the other ever touched, crying and wondering why. (girls mostly do this part) During this ride, we should be like the oars, gently guiding and keeping them on track. And when the raft flips, it is time for them to sink or swim. Obviously, we don't let them sink but we have to let them figure out the best way to get to shore. In other words, let them figure out how to cope and work through their feelings. We can cheerlead and offer suggestions from the shore but they primarily have to figure it out for themselves. This is when they learn how to self soothe, and appropriate ways to handle stress, conflict resolution and interpersonal relationships. We can give them the skills but they have to decide to use them. It is better they learn these things at young age. They still have us to throw them a life ring if they need it to stay afloat while they figure out why plan a didn't work and what they will do for plan b. Otherwise, when something goes wrong with a co-worker at their brand new, dream job, they end up getting fired because they didn't learn how to effectively interact with other people and no one is there to throw them a life ring anymore. Now, I ask you to please forgive my horrible metaphors but that is what came to my mind.

It sounds like you are all on the same page now and even if you're reluctant, you must feel better being in the know and relieved that both kids are safe under the protection of you and your husband. From your two posts, it sounds like your son is a pretty incredible kid. The loyality and compassion he's given his girlfriend and having the good sense to seek advice and support from his father are solid signs of maturity, IMO. On that note, I might add, that if your son does decide to have sex with his girlfriend, I'm certain he'll be very responsible about birth control. So, it's probably safe to say, you aren't going to be called Grandma Maggie anytime soon. Young people today don't usually often JUST HAVE the kind of morals and qualities your son has, they have to be TAUGHT. I'm just saying.

You might have an easier go of things if you tried to stay in the here and now and focused on the things that you have control over, instead of worrying about "what if's" and "who knows'" somewhere down the road because you don't have any control over things that haven't even happened. You're catastrophizing and believe me, that just creates a lot of undue anxiety and stress. If you find yourself doing that, try to stop for a minute and ask yourself, "Is this happening now? Do I even know it's going to happen at all? If it does happen can I do anything about it?" If you answer "no" to any of the questions, pull yourself back to the present and if there is something that is going on that you can do something about, then figure out what that is and do it. If not, do something to distract your thoughts or something to ease your anxiety. Treat yourself. Treat somebody else. Treat your family. (including your son's girlfriend, especially since you have custody right now) It is your decision, picking something to make you feel better is taking back some control, you choose what you WANT to do. You choose who, if anybody you want to do it with and so on.

Well, I'm sure I've over stayed my welcome. What welcome, right? ; ) Good luck to all of you and again, I am so happy for your son and you that you changed your mind.

Margaret - posted on 07/05/2012

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Well, a lot has happened in the past week. Not the least of it, examination of my own reservations and anxieties.

First off, thanks to all who have commented, however harshly. It's given me a lot of food for thought.

The girl is now out of danger, Family Services is involved, we have been granted temporary custody, as friends of the family and the girls own request. A good lawyer has been retained, just in case. She's moved into our guest cottage, for now. She's a lot less spooked then she was and happier to have more people, not just my son, around her.

I do have strong opinions about teenage relationships, I admit. I've always felt dating and the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing among kids (under age 21) was a colossal waste of time and energy, at best and can lead to to broken hearts, moral dilemmas, even ruined lives. I wish to keep my son from that. And, given the level of intensity, time and energy energy and physical danger my son has exposed himself to in a few short weeks all on account of this girl, I am really not entirely wrong about this

However, I accept (rather reluctantly, I admit) that my expectations are both highly unrealistic and probably wrong. I can't keep my son from caring, from falling in love and from giving it his all, even to the point of risking his life for this girl. And I must accept that my son's devotion would be met with love in kind.

Finally, I must face my own fears, prejudice and perhaps even racism and deal with it. I must trust my son, accept just how much he loves this girl and that she loves him just as much.

Yes, it bothers me that my son loves a poor, bi-racial girl with a messed up family. Yes, I know it's totally wrong and completely unfair to this girl as well as my son. She deserves way better.

Maybe I will have little brown grandchildren and it won't scare the hell out of me....but hopefully not real soon. They are still teens, after all.

Shawnn - posted on 07/02/2012

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Margaret, your expectations are unrealistic at this point. You also have strong vibes of, as I said, Rich kid, and girl from the wrong side of the tracks.

Obviously you think that EVERY young lady is a floozie, out to "get something", a schemer, and not to be trusted. You state that in your second response.

Is this about your son growing into manhood, or is this about your perceived lack of control over the situation, and your perceived "betrayal" of a "promise" that was probably not understood by the 10 or 11 year old that he was.

Why is your perception of the female of the species so skewed? In my experience, a mother tends to project herself onto her kids. My mother was a bit loose, dated quite a bit, and had numerous sexual experiences, one of which ended in pregnancy, resulting in a marriage, and subsequent divorce. When faced with my upcoming wedding, her immediate assumption was that I was pregnant, therefore the necessity of the wedding...Which I wasn't, but because of HER lifestyle, I must be just the same.

So, in light of the above paragraph, are there things in YOUR past that you aren't necessarily proud of, that you think this young lady may be attempting?

I'm with the rest of the ladies. You're out of line, and you're risking having your son get upset enough with you that you could hurt your relationship with him. Apparently there's a reason he's going to his dad. It sounds like, maybe Dad is a little more understanding of the situation as a whole.

Sherri - posted on 07/01/2012

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He is 15 and you forbid him for falling for a girl. REALLY??? I think you are way too protective mom and you have to give him a bit of freedom to grow up. It is not really feasible to think that your son won't start getting interested in girls and want to date. It is a normal part of growing up and the more you say he can't the more he is just going to rebel against you and do it behind your back anyways.

Renee - posted on 06/30/2012

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The more you forbid them being together, the more you push them together. Haven't you ever read Romeo and Juliet? If you have raised him to be as perfect as you would have us believe, then he won't make such terrible choices as you are thinking he will! He is your son, not your little puppet, and he WILL make choices on his own. You are making it sound as if he is personally betraying you, but get real, that is a very self-centered and egotistical way to look at it. When children make mistakes, they are not doing it to personally offend you, they are growing and figuring out how to be independent adults. I am more than positive that YOU made some decisions that your parents didn't like as you were growing up. Try to remember what it was like to be a teenager (unless you skipped that part of your development) and give him some loving empathetic guidance, not controlling demands.
Just so you know, I happen to have an almost 16 year old son, and I have watched him become interested in girls, have a "girlfriend", and have his little heart broken, so I know where you are coming from. I myself have said "That little hussy better keep her hands off my baby!" But the fact is, he is NOT a baby anymore, and neither is your son.

Jodi - posted on 06/30/2012

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Parent her! Have a conversation with her and let her know she is not her mother, nor is she her circumstances. Let her know you see her as a good, smart, pretty, and deserving kid. She probably hasn't been seen as any of those things and could use a good strong mirror like you. Also, have a frank conversation with your son and her. Tell them you think they are too young to have sex and that you do not want them having sex at your home or anywhere on your property. Also, tell them that if they are going to disregard your request that they not have sex to at least be smart enough to use protection since having a baby at this point in either of their lives would not be a good thing. Let them know you don't have your head in the sand and while you don't agree with their relationship and wish it wasn't as they declare, you are not going to stop being an accountability demand for your son or this young girl.

Parent from honesty and you get parenting from power!

www.theconsciousmoment.com

Shannon - posted on 06/30/2012

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I am also seriously concerned about a mother her would extract such a promise from her son that he wouldn't date until after college....get real, do you really want him to become that socially ignorant and then turn him lose to find a career and a life with someone. We must all go through non lasting relationships in order to be able to identify the lasting ones. Please don't try to stunt him this way. I also agree with many of the comments about pushing him, the more you try to push in the direction the farther away he will pull. At least he was going to one of his parents for advice and it's too bad that you have set such a high standard of what you expect that he didn't feel he could go to you. Good job dad for being there for your son.

Elizabeth - posted on 06/29/2012

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I think your wrong. You say you like this girl as a person but it is obvious you have issues with her. I would almost say you are being hipocritcal of her. You may end up losing your son altogether if you continue to try to be so controling. If he has not given you any reason to think he would make a bad decision, even though the best of us has. It is still his decision to make. If you love your son as much as you say you need to let go some. He is not a child anymore. He is old enough, and it sounds like mature enough, to find out and show you what kind of man he wants to be. It also sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page about this.

Shawnn - posted on 06/29/2012

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Wow. I'm getting a strong impression of "rich kid/poor girl" or "girl from the wrong side of the tracks" prejudice here!

Seriously! You are "ok" with them being friends, and "ok" with him protecting and helping her, but you have a problem if they somehow develop a more serious relationship out of that protection and help? This totally blindsided you? I doubt it. I get the feeling that you don't want your boy to be with a "tramp", which is how you perceive this girl as turning out.

You say yourself that she's been through the stream of bad choices that her mother made, that she's been narrowly saved from being assaulted, and yet you question that she might need a safe haven? You say you don't mind the friendship, as long as it doesn't get more serious...I hear "oh, I can put up with him being friends with the girl, but I couldn't tolerate an actual relationship between them, because of her background"

If your son is as mature, well rounded, and well mannered as you describe, do you feel that you have not given him the necessary information to make informed, rational decisions about things like sex, whether or not to be protected, and whether or not he may want to be in a relationship?

Krista is right...i'd hope that he can't access your computer, or this post, or it could severely upset him.

My mom tried the same thing with me, only I was 20 at the time. Not only did it piss me off, but it made me more determined to make my relationship work. 23 years later, my relationship is still working, and moving forward (with the same guy), and my mother is trying to figure out why I don't take her word when she says that she loves my husband, and appreciates him. She didn't want to give him a chance before, so why would she have changed her mind?

The more you refuse the relationship, the stronger it will be. How about trying to see past your conviction that this girl is "after" something, and be thankful that you've raised such a caring, loving, thoughtful, and protective young man, who's willing to do what he sees as the right thing?

Margaret - posted on 06/29/2012

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I am upset about many aspects of this situation.

Just before Middle School started, nearly three years ago, my son promised me he wouldn't try to date or have a girlfriend before he graduated college and was independent. That why there hasn't been "two or three girlfriends" or rather more likely a string of floozies.

He promised. He's now broken that promise.

Furthermore he has been talking to his father, my husband, about this and all sorts of other stuff in his life. And his father chose, even preferred, not to involve me at all. This whole time I've been in the dark and believing my son was faithfully following the path he's supposed to.

He helped them hide her, without ever questioning the truthfulness of her claims. Her mother says that the girl is making it all up to get attention and just got the idea because the mother's boyfriend may or may not have been accused of raping the daughter of a previous girlfriend in the past. And now the mother is threatening to file charges against my son, if her daughter doesn't come home.

And my son feels it is his noble duty to protect this girl, because she says she doesn't trust anyone except him.

My husbands explanation is that I would just get upset and it was better off being father/son stuff. They have even talked to him about thinking about sex. And rather then put down his foot and say "Absolutely Not" he's been telling them to wait at least till the girls home life gets resolved and to not make things even more complicated.

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

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Whether you like it or not he will choose whomever he pleases to date, it is all part of growing up and by age 15 you are lucky he hasn't already had two or three girlfriends. You cannot choose who he is with or who he cares about I would sit down with him and have a serious talk about the ramifications of having sex and how this may ruin his friendship then let him go from there. If you forbid this you just become the mom to hate so I would seriously rethink forbidding their relationship.

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