sons girlfriend

Kelly - posted on 01/28/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My 16 year old son has been dating a nice girl for about 8 months or so.



We have met her and both like her very much. she is a very good student, stays out of trouble and is very respectful when she calls the house. (unlike the last one)



Probelm is:: her parents. We have met her Mom and step-dad and I do not like them. apparently, they do not like us either But, that's ok with me!! He seems to be a very rude person- he disrepects her, her mother and my son. HE does not want her to come to our house due to his "knowledge" that they will not have any supervision at our house. how he know thisis beyond me!!

We have a few rules that will never change. they are rules that will protect them- not me. they are not allowed to be upstairs. they are not allowed to lay all over each other and they are not allowed to in the basement with the door closed(TV and such are down there).

now, over at their house- they are allowed in the basement- where her room is- and her Mom checks once and hour. he has come home with a hickey from HER house!! where was the supervision there????



I am frustrated because, I know my son really likes her. I would like to be able to get to know her better. I don't like that he can only go over there- why should he be gone every nite, when there is no reason why she shouldn't be able to come here.



I am in of the opinion that they are 16 and chances are, they won't be together forever but, who knows???? I don't need to be best friends with her family but, I am civilized to them. If I see them, I talk to them. I allow my son to go to their hosue, go away on day trips with them and won't allow him to pay for his own stuff. BUT, then I feel like we aren't good enough for them. We can never return the favour for her!



any suggestions??

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4 Comments

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Shannon - posted on 01/29/2009

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My husband sums it up as "there will never be a boy good enough for my daughter." I believe all you can do is continue to show respect to the girlfriend and her family. That way your son will never fear speaking to you about things he is going thru with this girl. And perhaps you too will be able to help the girlfriend in some way. Continue to be the "adults" in this situation and state your rules to your son, rules that are for his relationship reguardless of where he goes. (her house and yours). Open respectable conversation is the best gift we can give our teens.

Kelly - posted on 01/29/2009

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we tried telling them that if she can not come to spend timehere- then you don't go there. it mademe feel like I was being just like them. didn't like it at all. they only saw each other a tchool and they seemed ok with that.



he has his own cell phone with MY5 so,they can talk free and it doesn't tie up my home phone. they talk alot on the phone so, in a way I am thankful. they will get to know each other very well. I find most teen romances start out physical and remain that way- to me that's not healthy.  he has told me that he has had sex before with his last GF but, this one isn't ready and so, they have decided they won't go to that level. PHEW!!! not that I think 16 is old enough but, at least I know he is mature enough to talk it out with her and respect her decision.



My husband and I met a month after my 16th B-day and he was 17. we have been together for 19 years now and so, I know that there is a possibilty that this is it for him. It scares me to think of that but, I am being realistic!!



there was alotof tension with my hubby and my paretns- still is. I don't get slong very well with is family, either. we are from 2 totally different family backgrounds and it's hard. In 19 years, the only thing both families were at was our wedding(his parents didnt attend but, other family did) and my osns 1st b-day. I don't want my kids to have to deal with that!!  

Jackie - posted on 01/29/2009

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wow, difficult situation!

Sounds like they do not trust their daughter.

When my daughter had her first boyfriend we had the exact same rules as you...with one additional rule--if you are at his house one time... then the next time he has to be at our house.

I didn't think they would be together forever either..but they were together for a year and a half. I think it is very important to lay these ground rules right now while they are young because it lays the foundation for later on when our kids are older and married and know right upfront that time must be shared with both families.

So, basically I think it is important for you to let your new rule be known... and leave it in their hands.

So Monday your son goes to her house...and then he is not allowed to go there again until she spends some time at your house.---and if that does not happen then they only see one another at school---It will be hard between you and your son for a bit... but bottom line I think her parents will give in---

Good Luck--let us know how it turns out!

[deleted account]

HHmmm...

I know that as a mom you don't want to play the "tit for tat" game with the girl's parents, but if he has come home with a hickey, they you know stuff was happening that you don't approve of.

You have a good instinct about this and you need to listen to yourself, not second guess yourself.

Seeing each other every night is quite a lot for kids this age, no matter whose house they are at, no matter what great kids they are.

My son dated a really nice girl last year. They go to the same HS, but we live at opposite ends of our rural county- an hour's drive away. They either had to meet in town for a date or spend time with his or her family. They spent a lot of time on the phone.

When they finally broke up after 11 months it was a relief for him. There are a lot of expectations even in teen relationships and he really enjoys not having to call her every night, etc.

As you said, the odds are that this is not your future daughter in law, and it's a good thing considering the discrepancy in your concepts of supervision. You probably disagree in a lot of other areas as well. And they don't seem the kind to cooperate or play well with others :)

It is ok for you to set limits on the time your son spends with her, and where.

Sometimes we have to help our kids find balance in their lives. Maybe "1 night at her place, one nitght at home, one night away from each other" wouldn't be too hard on them to start. You could even tell her parents, "You have spent so much time with 'Billy', and we'd really like to get to know 'Rachel' better. It's hard to do that if we never get to spend time together."

Good luck!

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