step mom's resposibility

Jane - posted on 02/02/2011

Well.....yes and no. Is it your responsibility? No. Is being married to a man with children something that you have to deal with? Yes. I'm not sure how it would work if you didn't help out in this situaiton. You sound bitter and that's not good. Being in a blended family means compromise. If your husband absolutely cannot do this drive, then make a suggestion on another work around. I guess you could say you won't do it but I'm SURE that's going to cause stress in your relationship. However, I think your husband needs to find a way to at least do it sometimes so it's not always you. Compromise, compromise, compromise.

Kris - posted on 01/22/2011

Hi Rebekah,
Obviously this question hit a lot of nerves. I applaud your courage to post it and read all the responses. I have three step kids and two with my ex. I worked hard to not be the "evil" step mom. I let my husband lead in his relationships with them, but I also helped out as needed with rides, etc. As they got older, I had built the relationships, so when we divorced, they continue to see me as mom2. It's a very hard road but very worth it to listen to them and speak to them with respect. Ask their opinions and play with them. Good luck!

Pamela - posted on 01/20/2011

You are married to him so you took on some of the responsibility, but your husband really needs to be there for these exchanges so there is always open communication between their mother and him. Although if you are comfortable with keeping the communication open as is the mother then I would say that this is ok. If either of you are not comfortable try to come up with a new schedule that allows for your husband to do the trips, or at least maybe you do one and he does the other. I hope this helped

Chanel - posted on 09/09/2010

I have a 13 yr. old stepdaughter too and have to do a lot of the transporting. We have an agreement that the "gaining" parent must pick up the child. Meaning...if it is our week to have her, then we pick up. If it is her mother's week to have her, then she picks up. I don't know if this would pertain to your situation but I hope it helped. You can only do so much! Good luck!

Cheryl - posted on 09/09/2010

If you are married then yes it is your responsibility. They are your children now also not just his. I have two biological children and two step daughters that live with us full time, we share responsibility for everything that our children need.

Kricket - posted on 09/09/2010

I am a step mom and it's all in the family, I drop my step sons off every week and even help bio mom when needed and she helps us My advice your step kids are part of the family if you would do this for your bio kids why wouldn't you do it for your step kids ?????????

Talea - posted on 09/08/2010

Short answer is no it's not your responsiblity. They are his kids.

However, if you knew he had children before you married him then you knew you would be a part of their lives by default. If you do not have health issues or employment responsibilites that would keep you from doing this then I don't see why you wouldn't. Otherwise, you have a question you need to ask yourself. Is my refusal worth the damage it will do to my marriage. As a mom, I told my husband straight up I had kids, if he couldn't love my oldest as his own to leave and not waste my or my son's time. That means getting medicine in the middle of the night, running to and from practise, or whatever with EXACTLY the same love he would with our now three other children. I know I would be hurt beyond measure if he were to refuse to help in a situation where everyone else is unless it was to provide for us or his health prevented it. I know if it were something that happened on any kind of regular basis it would end the love I have for him. So again you need to ask yourself if it's worth it to refuse.

Now if he's CONSTANTLY after you to take care of the kids without greater or equal investment into their lives and if his family is always onto you to do more and more and more - that is a WHOLE different ball game. Only you know all the background details, and only you know what will bring peace to your heart. There are men who marry it seems just to have another woman take care of them and their children and women like wise who marry a pay check. It is neither right nor fair to the spouse or children in those instances. You know what your circumstance is better than anyone. I wish you luck. :)

Debbie - posted on 09/08/2010

Why don't you want to take them? At least your husband's ex will meet half way. Mine always had to drive out to get them and take them back. The drive at the shortest was 45 minutes she moved 1 1/2 hrs away at one point. There were times I had to do the driving. I love them like my own so I did it. After the kids were grown they saw things for what they really were.

Kristin - posted on 09/07/2010

Remember the laws in each state are different. Here my husband who is the custodial parent has to pick him up at the end of the visit. And my belief is that when you married a person who is a parent (male or female) you married the whole family, children, ex, parents, grandparents, etc. The children did not ask for all this hassle and from what I see this generation of 18 to 25 year old seem to think everything (marriage included) is disposible. I hope I am not offending anyone. This is the last thing I want to do. I believe it is our responsibility to teach them life is work and that you only get out of it what you put into it. Make it work!

Steffanie - posted on 09/06/2010

When you married your husband, you took on the responsibility of helping him raise his children. Since is work schedule isn't conducive to taking the children, than the responsibility falls to you. You are doing both your husband and his wife a favor, and helping facilitating a relationship with their mother. It isn't the kids fault that their marriage didn't work out, and shouldn't suffer because of their father's schedule. Suck it up, smile, and do so, don't complain and put strain on your marriage or the relationship with the girls mom. Choose your battles, this one isn't worth the fight.

Tammy - posted on 09/06/2010

If you two have custody and it's just her visitation, it's her problem to come All the way to yalls house to pick them up. It's always the noncustodial parents job on transportation to pick up and take back the kids. I don't understand you all bashing her. If it was a dad that didn't have the custody and only got them on the weekend, I doubt you all would be singing the same tune. You would say that it is his responsibility.

Priscilla - posted on 09/05/2010

Terrific question. Thankfully my husband was man enough to do it himself, even though he hates driving long distances to big cities,and usually brought me along for the ride. But he would not expect me to do that myself ever.

Karen - posted on 09/04/2010

well it is NOT your responsibility unless YOU agreed to it. I think it is unfair of them to make a decision about your time w/o discussing it with you. They need to work it out amongst themselves. How about they change the pick up time to coincide with his schedule and he takes his girls to their mom. Then mom can do the exchange on her end an hour later so she is not losing time with them. Its called communication. Maybe you would like some free time to yourself. Its not selfish. You did not make these children. I feel they should ask you if you are available each week that they cannot do it. If you are not then they need to work out a new schedule.

Courts place time periods for legal reasons but that does not mean its set in stone. If they are adults and can communicate then why not work it out so it does not inconvenience you. A team player does not mean every single solitary week depending on YOU. The children belong to them. Its their responsibility.

Sue - posted on 09/03/2010

its tough being involved in split families. It doesn't seem to matter how much work youput into it you don't please everyone. If your heart is in the right place be happy. You are doing all you can do if that is the case. Listen to your heart. Walk away from the starts of conflict when you know you don't need to be involved, lessen the stress that life can put on you, it will make you a much happier person and a more loving mum.

Sue - posted on 09/03/2010

I think if you are with someone who has kids you then become a family unit and you raise those kids like your own (would you do this for your kids), its something the girls are doing to keep a relationship going with their mother and something I think you should encourage no matter what lengths you have to take, even if their mother gives you a hard time, remember it is the girls and their mum not between you and their mum, if we want our kids to grow up and respect people we have to show it ourselves. Even if the girls don't want to go to their mums you should encourage them, if their parents were still together they would still need to find a way to get on, she will always be there mum.My boys live 50% of the time with their dad he gives me a lot of grief and at times the boys as well. They want to live with me, which I would love very much, but he is their dad and as long as he isnt abusive to the boys, it is important for them to learn how to communicate with their dad. Even if he doesn't try they have to try and when they are old enough they can make their own decisions. If he has taught them he values them and respects them and visa versa then he will continue to have a relationship with them. We don't want our kids growing up bitter and stuck between parents battles. Look at it as an imporatant part of you supporting the girls. Watch the movie Stepmom with julia roberts and ????. Helps to bring things back into perspective.

Christine - posted on 09/03/2010

I would say it was ultimately his..But as his partner you are supposed to work as a team.I would have thought that if you love the girls and your partner you would want to do it for them.Who picks them up?

Kristin - posted on 09/03/2010

I, too, am a step mom. My husband has custody. When I married my husband I accepted his child as my own and do everything for him I do for my own. You don't just marry the husband but the whole package. You need to be there for those girls. I don't get along with my stepson's mom but my husband gets along with her even less. I am the middle person and as much as I don't like dealing with her I do it because I love my husband and stepson with all my heart.

Sherrie - posted on 09/01/2010

Rebekah,
I hear what you are saying because of how the ex treats you....but you should still take the girls to show them that you are apart of their life and want t be there in any situation. I guess if the girls' mother startd bitching at me, I would confront her and remind her that you are ONLY doing this for the girls and your husband so she better back off or she can figure out the transportation. I live with my boyfriend and he has custody of his two little boys. I have an extremely difficult time when their mother constantly changes her visitation and yet I bite my tongue. I know what you are saying cuz I have been made out to be he bad person in the deal. Hang in there and keep telling yourself the true reason you are helping!! You are a better person for it!!

Rebekah - posted on 09/01/2010

pls read my last post thank you!!

Marie - posted on 09/01/2010

if you are at home and he's at work you should bring the girls

Cynthia - posted on 09/01/2010

you knew he had these kids when you married him and agreed when marrying him to be as much of a step mother as needed ya?....there is your answer.

Rebekah - posted on 09/01/2010

ok to EVERYONE! i have dicided that i will be taking them to there moms house if my husband cant make it.....the reason why i was having issues with this is because the grls mom DOES NOT LIKE ME!! and everytime i helped out or got involved she would bicth at me for something i didnt even do..... iam only doing this for my husband and children !! pls know that there is always two sides to a story so dont just ASUME that yes its my resonsibility ok but i have chosen to take them on the days my husband cant make it home in time thank you for all your responses!!

Dianne - posted on 09/01/2010

Sorry, I can't see what the big deal is. Take them to their Mom's. Shouldn't be any mine and his - its 'our' responsibilitiy to get them to their Mom's safely and on time.

Sherri - posted on 09/01/2010

Was made to the original poster!!

Tonya - posted on 09/01/2010

was that comment to me or to louise

Sherri - posted on 08/31/2010

Yes you took on the responsibility when you married there dad. So I have to say that if you love the girls what is the big deal and driving them. I think you are being very cold and what is that showing the girls.

Tonya - posted on 08/31/2010

Louise, I had this problem at one time when my husband and I first started dating over 12 years ago. I eventually gave in to make it easier on my husband but in the long run it made my relationship better with the kids as well as their mom. I am now good friends with the stepkids mom to the point that she was my maid of honor at my wedding to my husband. I know that sounds weird but once you let go of the notion that things have to be hard between you and the stepkids mom then it can lead to good things. Hope this helps you.

Joann - posted on 08/31/2010

OH MY!! I am a divorced mom. And my ex has transportation responsibilty for our 13 yr old daughter. Over the yrs he has bitched grumbled complained & everything else (including when he only lived 10 min away) about doing the pick up & drop off during his time. H emade his next wife do as much as possible when they were married for 7yrs. They are now divorced & he has to do transportation for not only the child I have with him, (& the courts finally told him since he only had her every other wknd it was on him) but he now has to do a 50/50 split on transportation with the other 3 kids & his 2nd wife. (BTW her & I are good friends now, lol) But after her he now has a live in gf who has 2 kids of her own. Now here is the funny part...she is not allowed to drive the family vehicle per the insurance co. so she can't do any of the pick ups or drop offs (which till she had 2 many accidents he made her DO IT ALL!! He also now has to take her kids from MD to WVA to see their father's family 2wice a month. I live in DE so does the 2nd wife.

Use your own imagination has to how funny Karma is from all the way in my lil corner of the world.

Here is what you do. You make these 2 parent THEIR children (o slight on u @all, but they r both USING U!! & using any excuse that will make u feel guilty) Here is the fair solution. Still take your rotation (BUT ONLY IF U TRULY WANT) on turns. Other than that they can rearrange diff pick up times. Work a little later on Fridays (make it "mandatory orders from the boss") or simply have another activity whether its a class, the gym, washing your hair, getting stuck @ a dr's appt (ok so u dont really have 2b stuck) they will catch on eventually but by then it will b worked out & they will have stopped shuffling there duties 2u.

The day my x's new x --broke up w/him & suddenly his am's were dropping kids off 2d/c goin 2 work--pickin kids up from d/c coming home--making dinner doing bathes, homework help--& he got em in bed he was exhausted & passed out...he even tried 2 get bk 2gether w/me so i wd help...his current girl doesn't work..ie thats right u heard it FREE D/C!! During the time he had 2 do it on his own though...those kids got quality time & he finally walked a mile in our high heels....the kids got to know their dad more doing that yr b4 this new lady got involved then ever b4 or since...now i mean her no harm...but he is shoving everything he can her way, she thinks she's doing the right thing since she "Doesn't work" um ...let's do a head count his 3 her 2 & our 1 (part time still every other wknd) sounds like work 2me...

Stop it now b4 it goes 2 far...his mom had surgury a monthish ago..he even refused afterwards to b the main caregiver when his mom decided 2move in w/him (ok here comes gross part) this new gal even "ended" up bein the 1 givin his mama a enema

God speed & good luck..hope this @least gave u a laugh & a knowledge this soooo not ur job & his x wont b upset w/u...trust me the kids r watching who's doing what

Jina - posted on 08/30/2010

I'm not understanding why you would NOT take them? If you married him knowing he had children, then those children become your children, therefore, your responsibility as well. Sounds like the logical thing is that you have the time to take them whereas it would be a hardship on your husband to try to do it... Seems like a no brainer to me... I don't mean to sound harsh or rude, but you are the step mom and you should be thinking about what is best for those kids, not who is doing the work... I have driven 6 hours one way to drop off or pick up my step children and I do it because I want to see them and show them that they are important enough for me to take time out of my day for them whether it's my "responsibility" or not...

Peggy - posted on 08/30/2010

No one can say if it is your responsibility or not. That is a decision you and your husband need to make for your relationship. It sounds like you are a bit resentful and I am wondering why? You married someone with children. Are you not willing to do the things that need to be done when the kids are with you?

Rebekah - posted on 08/28/2010

thank you everyone for your respones i have ad time to think about it and i will be taking the girls to there moms when my hubby is not home i makes it easier on everyone and take stress off of my hubby !

Tracey - posted on 08/28/2010

That's up to you. Being a team player would be you shared the responsibility in taking them. Their dad could do it every once in a while. They would just have to go later. If you don't want to take them every time, then you shouldn't have to. Why should you be the only one unhappy?

Shayna - posted on 08/28/2010

I agree with the others.You taking the girls can give you time to bond with them as spending time in a car can give you a chance to talk with them about what is going on with them having no place to run to. Perhaps your husband is also worried about seeing his ex and a fight breaking out which can be very hard on the girls. Don't look at this as a chore but a time to help your family grow closer and easing the swap so the girls can have a good weekend with their mom.

Pearl - posted on 08/28/2010

If theres no animosity between parties then take them.
As a step mom we are as responsible as we want to be really there are no set rules.

Julie - posted on 08/27/2010

its not a question of whose responsibility but of the logistics. you are free to take them and it will give you the oportunity to show the girls that you and their mum get on and that there is no bad feeling between you (even if it is pretence for their sake). you are meeting half way in not just the travel but also in other ways too. it sounds to me like you doing that run makes you a good person to both the girls and thier mum. never look on step children as just your husbands. you took him on baggage and all and it up to all of you to make the best of the situation so that you are all happy.

Angie - posted on 08/27/2010

Since your husband's schedule is so varied and it 's best for the children to have a set schedule, I'd say take the girls to their mom. You took on the responsibility of helping care for these children when you married a man that you knew had children. These poor children are the ones who are hurt the most by divorce and it's not fair to keep them waiting for their dad to come take them home when no one really knows exactly when he'll be home.

Rebekah - posted on 08/27/2010

iam a stay at home mom i feel tho it would just make it easier for me to drop them off to take the pressure off of my hubby it stresses him cause he has to rush sometimes and he is a funaral director and has families to wait on an stuff i just want to make sure iam making the right disission you know...

Louise - posted on 08/27/2010

You do not say if you are a working mum or a stay at home mum. If you are working all day then he should take the kids as they are after all his kids. If you are at home looking after his kids then I suppose I would expect you to take them so I could spend more time at home with you (being your husband of course) If you really don't want to take them then tell the mother that it has to be a later drop off time to allow time for your husband to get home. After all your not the family taxi driver!