Teen girl going to prom and getting her drivers license

Sepi - posted on 05/08/2012 ( 22 moms have responded )

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My 16 year old daughter is crying because she is "sorry that we don't have any money" Which is the truth. We are barely surviving and she is going to the prom, wants to do her nails, hair done, she is getting her drivers license and wants a car, etc.... she is crying and saying that she is sorry and doesn't want to put pressure on us but she is very sad. Her dad and I are divorced, she lives with him, and he's real estate career is in the dumps now and I'm disabled and unemployed. I am looking for a job and going to school, also waiting to get a settlement money for my disability but it keeps on dragging. I feel guilty and ashamed that my daughter has to carry this burden. I feel like I'm not a good mom and it breaks my heart.

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Ramona - posted on 05/21/2012

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Where is it written that you get things in life!?!?! My dd wore a gown we bought second hand. She went to a beauty school and got her hair and nails for very little money. She actually worked for the cash! Gasp!! She has cut lawns, cleans houses for a few elderly people for several years. She does not nor has no plans for a car, she can't afford it! I really have very little tolerance for the entitlement mentallity that seems to run rampent through our society. I tell my kids all the time, you can have anything that you want, once you EARNED it!!

Tabitha - posted on 05/21/2012

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Thanks, I'm not really offended. I just felt like I needed to defend my comment. Vanessa was offended by my comment, though I still don't understand why. I completely understand what she was trying to do by offering to help, that's fine. We all can use a little help sometimes. But I would never give my address to someone I didn't know or had met on the internet. You just never know what can happen.

My daughter is only 8 so we haven't hit the prom issue yet. But she's in pageants, ballet and tap which can be quite pricey. I've had to tell her no a few times. But I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ebay. We've gotten so many outfits on there for dirt cheap. The other moms call me the Ebay Queen...lol. They were all shocked at the first few pageants when I told them that my daughter's dress was only $15. They were paying hundreds if not thousands for their outfits!! When we're done with the dress, I list it on Ebay and usually turn a bit of profit!!

When I went to prom, I wore a "hand me down" dress from my sister with some updates and alterations, which I helped pay for with babysitting money. My aunt did my hair and I painted my own nails. I didn't look any less "done up" than any of the other girls there. In fact my dress was voted most original since everyone else was picking from the same style. My mom made decent money and I'm sure that she wanted me to have the best but raising 4 daughters and 2 sons by herself, there's no way she could have afforded it. Anytime there was extra things I wanted or extra activities, I helped come up with the money. In just a few short years this girl is going to be on her own. How in the world will she be ready if she's taught that her wants and extra activities should come before the finances? I have 5 children. 4 boys and a girl. My oldest son is 14, he likes to wear name brand clothes and is in a lot of activities. He also works in the summer for a farmer or on weekends through-out the year for my uncle. He knows that he would never be able to wear what he wants and be in all of the extras he's in without adding to the money for himself. He knows that his earnings from this summer will need to be used for his school clothes and for the car he'll be driving soon(scary). I've told him I'll match whatever he comes up with. Even if I was rich, this is a lesson that I would teach all of my children. Because when you're an adult and have your own family, you have to weigh out the difference between what you want and what your family needs. How will they recognize this if we don't teach them?

Vanessa - posted on 05/14/2012

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Ya know what Tabitha I have the financial means therefore, I am willing to help out financially. I don't see anyone else on here offering anthing except words & advice which I am sure she can think of herself. I never asked for her FULL NAME, I would have to address the envelope to someone. It is pretty safe to assume she doesn't have a Paypal account since she said she is "barely surviving". I have no problem sending the money in a manner she would be comfortable with.
No one can do nails like a professional can- especially tips (fake nails). Would you cut your own hair? I didn't think so. I go every 2 weeks for a gel manicure or a powder manicure and I get a pedicure every 3-4 weeks. In my oponion she should have the full prom expericence of feeling like a pricess & being pampered. If being a negative person makes you feel better that that's really sad.

Vanessa - posted on 05/13/2012

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Send me a private messae with your name and address. I'll send u a money order in the mail, I can get it in the mail tomorrow, so she can get her hair & nails done for prom. Prom is a once in a lifetime experience I can resolve the hair & nail issue- so let me help.

Cheryl - posted on 05/11/2012

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Your daughter is 16 - she is old enough to get a part time job to help pay for the extras that she wants. Our family lives paycheck to paycheck without money for extras so my youngest ds went and got a part time job at a movie theater to pay for the extra things he wants like a new skateboard or trip to an amusement park with friends. I have three children (25, 22 and 16 and none of them received a car when they got their licenses. My two oldest borrowed the family car until they were out of college, had jobs, and could afford a car of their own. I believe children appreciate things more when they aren't given everything their heart desires and also when they have to earn the money or part of the money to pay for things they want. When my daughter went to the prom, I did buy her prom dress and shoes but we did her hair and nails at home and she looked beautiful! There will always be families out there who are wealthier and who can afford to give their children everything but that doesn't mean you are a bad parent because your daughter has to go without sometimes or help pay for things herself. In reality, I think it will better prepare her for life once she is an adult.

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Sarah - posted on 05/21/2012

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The only valid way I found to make money at home was to do daycare. And to be honest, it can be pretty good maney if you get the right clients. I have found that alot of parents don't mind a strict sitter because honestly, alot of them have no control at home, ya know what I mean ;)... If your watching say, an infant @ $110. a week and then maybe a toddler or two @ $80 a week... thats roughly almost $300 a week. I got super lucky and was daycaring my sons kidrgardens teachers infant and she paid me $150 a week just so her baby would be the only infant. Thn I had after schoolers.. It worked out pretty well. I understand wanting to et up and go, but even @ a reg. job we can't just leave right?? I always tried to see it that way, and atleast I was home for my kids and could get my things done too :) It's not the only way, I guess, but it was the only legit. way I could find to make money at home everything else seemed like a scam :(

Tabitha - posted on 05/21/2012

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Thanks! Well having the option to start over, gives you the option to choose what kind of career you want...again! I just recently became a SAHM, I worked in newspaper advertising for years but with the economy the way it has been, I'm spending more money to stay working. I've been looking into making money at home but I'm still tossing around the ideas. I wouldn't mind babysitting, but I want to be able to get up and go if we decide to go somewhere and a lot of parents what you to stay put while you're babysitting. Also, I'm quite strict and I know a lot of parents aren't. I don't want to be stuck babysitting spoiled brats when I'm used to decent/well behaved children...lol. I'll be able to bring in some money thru Ebay once we start going thru the kids clothes but that won't last for long. Any thoughts on working from home?

Sarah - posted on 05/21/2012

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Your doing all the right things Tabitha ... I am doing the same with my daughter. Thankfully, she's not into labels and things and really doesn't ask for much. I know at her age I wanted everythin, then again, I had my first job @ 15 yrs. old too. My Mom was also a single parent with my sister and I to raise in California and it was hard. I remember watching her struggle and thats wht I push and push the college onto my kids... My husband works for the city and I have been home with my kids for roughly i6 yrs. I ran a inhome daycare for a few years to make money and now their both at the age where I can go and work and yannow what?? I have shit skills for a good job and now I HAVE tog o back to school!!! sheesh!!!

Sarah - posted on 05/21/2012

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I understand your point completety Tabitha... Your right too, she could call salons in the area, heck even JcPenney does hair for prom!! And, like I said, I also have a 16 yr. old girl and if she wants wants wants ... then sje's gotta getta job job job... lol.. I just thought it was a nice gesture. Did NOT mean to offend you, I understand your points about safety.

Tabitha - posted on 05/21/2012

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Wow, I don't need you to apologize on my behalf. I didn't do anything wrong! You can never be too careful when dealing with people you've met via the internet. Yes, Vanessa may be sincere. But guess what, there are millions of fake profiles on sites like this and others just waiting to get a hold of someone's personal info. Why take the chance? Which is why I gave other options for the girl to earn the money or other options to get the gifted money to them. Another idea, Vanessa is to find out what city they live in and call a salon in the area. A lot of places will allow you to purchase gift certificates over the phone. Then just message the OP and tell her where to take her daughter.

And also I happen to believe that there is an important lesson to be learned there. But apparently, it's ok to allow our kids to think they can get whatever they want, regardless of whether we can afford it, or without giving them a chance to earn it for themselves.

Sarah - posted on 05/20/2012

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I JUST read the replies and I think VAnessa D's offer is awesome and fantastic and WOW!! Thats so frikkin sweet of you to offer up your own hard earned cash for a girl you don't know and here people wanna give ya some shyt?? I will apologize on their behalf, I'm sorry.. I think what you offered is very verry nice of you and your a very giving and generous person. Thank you, even if she doesn't take you up on your offer. Hey, my girl has prom next year ;) .. lol.. TOTALLY joking!!!

Sarah - posted on 05/20/2012

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I understand. I also have a daughter that is 16 ans she is a sensitive soul, as it sounds like your daughter is. Ya know, right now things are hard all over. We are living on one income also to support a family of 4.5, .5 being our dog ;) lol.. She can getta job, she is 16. SHe can go online and learn to do her nails really well, heres a awesome site, www.ohsoprettythediaries.com . The girls are young and have great things there. All in all, this is life and this is just one more fantastic reason to keep pushing her to stay in school and go to college for a career, not just a job. A job won;t cut it in the future, she needs a career. She will be fine, the kids will all get through, it's still tough being a kid.

Vanessa - posted on 05/14/2012

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She did not asking for financial help & means. If she had asked for financial help I definately would not have offered. I am simply offering her an alternative solution to the prom preperation problem, a solution that she did not think of. Also no one said anything about a "spa day". Getting your nails done & getting your hair done/stlyed for prom might cost $50.00-$75,00, A spa day is going to cost anywhere from $350-$500 & that's absurd period, let alone for a 16 year old. It sound to me that getting her hair & nails done will make her prom complete.

Tabitha - posted on 05/14/2012

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I am not being negative. I'm only pointing out that it's not the safest practice to give your name and address to people you don't know, on the internet. It was not an attack towards you, though it appears you took it that way. Anyone can set up a paypal account, it takes only internet access(which she obviously has), an email address(which she obviously has), a bank account for the money to transfer to and password. You need absolutely NO MONEY to set it up.

And yes, it is fun to be pampered for a day but you can do all of that at home without paying an arm and leg for a day at the spa, when it's obvious that they can't afford it. There are also plenty of ways that she can earn that money for herself which would not only be a valuable lesson, but also give a sense of pride in purchasing the things that she wants for herself. I'm not saying that a girl shouldn't be able to go to prom and be beautiful. Just that she shouldn't be taught that going to prom and being beautiful should come no matter the cost, whether it can be afforded or not. They make kits for your nails that allow you to do them at home, and she doesn't want a hair cut, she wants it "glammed up" which also can be accomplished at home with a little internet research. The expensive "princess treatment" isn't required to make it a good experience.

Also, she was not posting this to ask for money. It's a commenting social site so that's what you normally get...comments and social interaction. Don't make the rest of us feel bad for not offering. I could have offered, I happen to think the lesson is more important than giving her what she wants. I'm glad you have the means to help out, there's nothing wrong with it. I was only offering alternatives to spending that much money on one night and a safer alternative to giving your address to a stranger. Billions of people use paypal, there's nothing wrong with it.

Tabitha - posted on 05/13/2012

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I would be careful giving your full name and address to anyone online. You can transfer money via paypal. It's much safer. Maybe she can do some housekeeping for an elderly neighbor or something to earn a little for hair and nails. Again, hair & nails can be done at home if you can't afford it. You can find "how to" videos and unique ideas on YouTube.

Sepi - posted on 05/12/2012

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You're right that it prepares them for the future more. She is an honor student and I am afraid if she gets a job, her studies will suffer. That is exactly what happened to me. I was doing good until I started working at 16 and by the time I was 20 I dropped out of college since working and school was too much and I was failing all my classes.

As far as the car goes, if she drives, it will be a help to her dad and I We are divorced and live over an hour away. When she has a car, it will be a help for us and she can run errands for him too.

I don't know why, but I am afraid she may go the wrong way because I did. And in hindsight, if I had parents who paid attention to my needs as a teenager, I may have had a better chance in life.

Elizabeth - posted on 05/11/2012

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I hear this! I am in a similar situation with my 16 year old. It is hard, but the fact is, a lot of people are in similar situations. My daughter is going away this weekend to a festival with a bunch of our friends, without us, because we can't afford to go. She was moping yesterday about it. I am pleased that she wants us to be there but I'm also glad she is going with our friends without us, it will be a good experience for her. She realizes she's lucky to get the things she gets, and I realize it's not our fault that the economy is so bad, still, it does feel bad not to be able to provide for your child/ren. At least I know that this all means she will not have a distorted view of money, will appreciate it and really understands how important it is to be educated. She is planning to attend the technical college dual enrollment program this fall to get a head start on college. Good Luck! I hope things get better for you and all of us soon!

Shawnn - posted on 05/09/2012

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Sepi, I was in her shoes as well ;-) And since you've been there, its easy for you to relate to her, and easier for it to break your heart...

Been there, felt that. Hang in there

Sepi - posted on 05/09/2012

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Thanks for the replies. I had a real hard time myself when I was her age and had to get a job at 16 to earn a few dollars and hadn't stopped working until I became disabled. I just know how I felt when I was her age, and how bad it was having to go without. I did go without a lot of things and in turn rebelled and got myself into trouble ( long story )

The only difference between my daughter and I is that my parents were negligent, but her dad and I aren't.

Shawnn - posted on 05/09/2012

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Most schools now also have a "dress exchange". Young ladies with not a lot of financial leeway can pick from a great variety of dresses donated for just this purpose. I used it when I was in HS, and this year helped a friend of my son's get her dress there as well. Talk to the school counselors, they usually have info on stuff like that.

Your daughter is a great kid who feels the pain of her parents. My son is the same. He is very sensitive to the costs of things, and if he feels he's being a "burden", he'll voluntarily curtail activities that cost, which breaks my heart. The thing is, you are a wonderful mom, who's raised a very realistic, aware child. That can kick us in the butt, but in the long run, she's going to be fine.

Let her know that you will do the best that you can, and that she need not be worried about making ends meet. She's at the age, too, where she can do some work to get some of what she wants.

The hair and nails can be a mom/daughter project for Prom. The license is nice, but unless you NEED her to have one, right now, it's not necessary. Neither is a car, and especially at 16. We made our son get his license, but it was because we needed another driver in the house, and we provide his car and gas, because he's doing our errands.

We were in the same situation (minus the divorce) Both of my kids had to learn early how to be frugal. One learned great. The other, not so much, but he's getting better. The good news is that, at some point, your disability settlement will come through, and hopefully her dad's business will start picking up. Real Estate's been hit hard...But, until then, she is old enough, and probably more than capable of helping to provide for some of her "wants".

Tabitha - posted on 05/09/2012

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Remind your daughter that their are families that are way worse off than yours! She has a home, clothes to wear, food to eat and parents that love her. This is not a burden that your daughter is carrying. It's a burden that she's tryin lay at your feet to guilt you into getting her what she wants whether you can afford it or not.

She can do her own hair and nails at home, you can get beautiful dresses on Ebay. She doesn't need a car or her license for that matter. I had to wait until I had a job so that I could help pay for my own gas and my portion of the car insurance. Then I drove my mom's old car and shared it with my sister.

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