Teen Sex

Kristi - posted on 05/28/2012

@jdreev4...your post is amazing! It is so insightful and inspiring. It got my wheels turning as to how I could possibly implement your philosophies now, at 41 with a 13 yo daughter. We have a pretty open relationship but she's "afraid" of me, like I was of my "dad." I wasn't scared of my dad like he was going to hit me or call me names but everybody knew that Mr. Henry didn't mess around when you were causing trouble. At the same time our friends hung out at our house all the time. So, I have always been the disciplinarian. (I've been married twice) I always tried to make the punishment fit the crime. But I have yelled, a lot sometimes. How have you always kept yourself in check? How have your boys tested the boundries? Lately when I talk to my daughter, she says she feels like she is in therapy. I'm not completely sure how to take that. In any event, I would love to hear more about your methods and if you think it is possible to for me to work on them with my daughter.

Oh and I would go to every site that involves moms with little children and share this post!! ; )

User - posted on 05/26/2012

I have never told my boys when they are allowed to have sex. I'm not really worried due to our relationship that we have. We have always been open about sex and answered every question even as young children (including using the proper terms for their genitals). My boys know that they can ask us anything and we don't lie or ignore the conversation. (age appropriate of course)We do that with everything though not just with sex. So it kinda normal around here and we think relationships and sex are good and normal. It's never been taboo. We talk to our children as though we know they will have sex. Which they will at some point. Point being, is that, this normalizing a normal human need/desire has actually led them to be more thoughtful/more serious and not so curious to need it now. My oldest is 14 and still has never held hands with a girl or even kissed a girl. He is horny and tells me so but he just isn't ready. He also tells me who he is crushing on and what body parts he likes. We also talk about other things that have led him to be attracted to someone. It's led my son to an understanding that we don't just need to act off of every feeling like he has no control. He knows about disease, pregnancy and that it is his duty to provide protection and not believe a girl when she says she is on birth control and so forth. We don't use any fear based tactics on our part. We have just never made a big deal about sex/the body to the point where they wanted to test us/rebel and find out for themselves why his parents seem so against it. We have never made him feel bad or ashamed for how he feels either while going through puberty or even masturbation ( we even celebrated his start of puberty with great excitement over this milestone). We have more standards on how to treat others and respect in general for all humans whether sex related or not. And we role model that within our relationship in our home with our sons. We also respect our sons, thoughts and feelings, whether we agree or not. This has established a good connection between us, so what I say and how I feel has more impact on him. He has respect for his parents because we show him respect/don't shame or punish when he makes a mistake. He is right on cue developmentally in this regard and also more mature then his many peers. This does not mean I would not be disappointed to find out that he had sex last night at his friends house, but I would deal with that accordingly. There would be no punishment, anger or making him feel bad though. I would express my concerns as I see that as reasonable and fair and this is how our relationship ( in particular) and all relationships work. ( or should anyway in my beliefs) It would be hard for me to tell my son an 'ok age' to start, as that is not the message or feelings I try to promote or convey. Sex and relationships to me are not about age but rather maturity, a deeper understanding and respect/knowledge as to why one feels they are ready. We have always referred to sex in a relationship context also. So we have never really talked about it in a 'if I have opportunity' with some girl. Although likely to happen it's not my concern with what I have worked yrs on with establishing, teaching and role modeling. I have built a fair, respectful and understanding foundation and where he goes from there is his choice and will- not mine. He clearly knows my beliefs, boundaries and feelings on the subject of relationships and how we treat others, including ourselves. If my son asked me what age it was o.k I would not answer that personally, because I really don't know the answer. Many young children have sex due to poor relationship and connection with the parent, abuse, low self esteem and so forth. These things in themselves force a child to look for connection elsewhere due to the wired need in all of us from birth to attach and bond with others, that remains throughout life. If parents aren't able to give it or understand how to nurture it- kids will find it elsewhere. With teens if there is not much attachment to the parent for whatever reason, sex does and typically becomes an avenue for them to feel some sort of connection. So I would not say a child at 13 yr old is wrong for having sex or even 15 depending on the reason they feel they need to. I don't know their home life. I would ask my son about what he thinks and how he feels about it. What he thinks is appropriate and why. I would encourage him to think and question himself. My post has become to long but I say all of this in hope for the parents out there who have younger children and are struggling and fearful of this subject with their kids. It's important as parents that we figure out how our past has influenced us now on this subject and to not parent from a place of fear and dread in this matter. Our children will be as ashamed and insecure as we are about sexuality/relationships if we don't get a grip over our fears and why those fears exist. Our children are not us. I don't say any of this with ease either. None of this came natural to me as a parent. I had to literally stop constantly and question myself and why I was about to respond the way I did and still do. Negative or positive. Important for me though was to make sure my responses weren't fear based due to my own garbage and negative past experiences, so that my sons could and can have the experience and knowledge they really deserve. The world is scary but I don't' care to instill fear, but only ways that keep the confidence that my boys were born with, intact as much as possible, so that they can deal with the world- and not be consumed or overwhelmed.

Sarah - posted on 05/26/2012

i agree with the point about innocence and protecting that. I gave my boys the information they neded when i thought they were ready and when i knew they werepast the curious stage of lookig and movig one to the more physical stuff tho not going all the way as it were. I lost mine at 12, but i would have hated my boys doing the same. double standards i know

Kristi - posted on 05/26/2012

Ok, I hear what everyone is saying. I understand that most of it is pretty much true. I just don't understand when/where/why/how things have gotten so ass backwards that parents have to tell their 12+ year old children, "I don't want you to but I know you're going to so here is everything you need to do it." Maybe I am just naive, maybe this has been going on since the beginning of time and our ancestors just weren't dumb enoughed to get knocked up. Of course, if you go far enough back people we getting married at 14, too. But the majority of those marriages weren't over 6 months or 6 years later. I'm NOT judging anybody because I had sex when I was 16 or 17, too. There were also some extenuating circumstances, but that is irrelevant here. I just feel like as a society our morals and values are slipping away and we are being desensitized into accepting a lower quality of life than maybe we otherwise would have "back in the old days." Once again, this is not an attack on anybody or their beliefs or their individual quality of life. I guess I'm just expressing my dim perspetive and maybe wondring if anybody else is bothered by the fact that now when your daughter turns 13 you talk to her about how to protect herself from pregnancy and disease instead of how to protect her newly pierced ears from getting infected. And now when they get their "new" car for their 16th birthday, it comes complete with matching car seat and stroller, at least for the girls.....based on my experience not too many teenage boys stick around. Sex isn't even the worst part, kids are killing each other for no good reason all over the country and kids are being abused world wide in unthinkable ways everyday. I guess I got waaaaay off topic and I'm sorry. I just wish there was a way to restore some semblance of innonce and self respect, maybe. Sorry, sorry...

Kristin - posted on 05/25/2012

I think that parents need to be open and honest about sex. I was a teenage mom and had my son at 16. My parents did not speak of sex ever nor did they ecver speak od disease or protection or any of that so I was a naive girl and got pregnant the first time i ever had sex. I am very open and honest with my son, who is now 15 about sex an lets face it there is a lot more out there to worry about than just pregnancy. My son is very respectful of the fact i am open with him and I nicely tell him that he needs to be ready and i made sure he know the consequences. I am very thankful that my son had decided not to have sex yet as he is terrified of having a child, and he knows that he is not ready to make that commitment with someone. He does know that he needs to protect himself no matter what and when my daughter is older I will be putting her on birth control. I am being realistic and in todays society people are having sex younger and younger, and us as parents need to be able to be open to this with our kids and tech them how to protect themselves, because whether we like it or not they will have sex when they want to.

Idemmata - posted on 05/23/2012

show him all the diseases he can get

Pamela J - posted on 05/17/2012

Discuss if he will be ready for the strong bond and emotions sex
nurtures and will he be mature enough to know how to break up
when he gets tired of her.

Sarah - posted on 04/17/2012

my youngest went on his journy into sexual life at 14. i was shocked in some ways but not in others, I was glad he told me beforehand that he was thinking of havig sex with his older gf. i knew he was sexually minded and that they had done stuff but not full sex. we had a talk and long discussion about feelings for the girl etc. And about protection, using a cucumber to put on a condom. that was fun lol. I knew that if i banned him from going down that route, he would have done it anyway. It is the fall outs when they part is when it hurts. He lasted with his gf for a few months after that first time, So the emocional side is very mportant as well. I talked to all my boys the same and wanted them to come to me with any problems or questions. And have been asked some advice aout things that never thought a mum would give advice on lol

Patti - posted on 05/23/2010

I have talked openly with my children about sex and its consequences. Both my husband and I are on our 2nd marriages and they know what it is like arguing with ex, worrying about kids, and parenting alone. What I always tell mine is to ask thierselves before they make that decision is to think abt all the little things that irk them abt the other person. Realize that these things get worse with time. and then ask thierselves....
"DO I REALLY WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS PERSON FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?"
Because even though precautions are taken, there is always a chance for a pregnancy or STD.

Anne Marie - posted on 05/23/2010

i have always told my kids regarding sex drugs and booze. I don't want you to because . . . But then I tell them if they do I want to know about it. I want to know not to punish or yell at them for doing what I have not asked but for health reasons, When they do enter these areas of curiousity I don't punish or yell, they already know how I feel, i may calmly remind them I don't agree with it or like it. If they have unprotected sex then things should be checked medically, sooner is better than later. I agree with the fact that if you say no absolutely not then they will as the rebellious teenagers they are and they think that your just being a mom. And yes I have told my kids that sex is great and wonderful when two are ready and willing, with emphasis on ready and willing. But it is an emotional, physical and intimate bond that should be treated that way. My daughter is 15 and I give her the same advice is did my son, i certainly don't encourage it but I hope when she does that she will tell me about it. She is more rebellious than my son at that age but "I hope she will tell me. Good luck hope he makes the right choices.

Mona - posted on 05/23/2010

I agree with Mindy. Her A-D are things I've told my own boys. I try to put myself in the shoes of the girl's parents: How would I want a boy to treat MY daughter? (if I had one).

Another thing I also told my boys: the first time should not be in the backseat of some vehicle with some random girl. If a girl will sleep with you w/o knowing you...how many other times has she behaved that way? I tell them to be safe... a safe girl (girlfriend), in a safe place (yup that can mean at home - don't hate), keeping their body safe (condoms).

There's also the rape conversation: when a girl says no that means no. If she starts giving mixed signals and the boy is unsure - always go with the NO and remove yourself from that situation. It's always best to be safe than sorry. Girls are complicated (we were all one so we know don't we) so she may not be sure of what she's getting herself into and she could regret it later creating a he said/she said.....just another reason it should NOT be a random girl.

If they do have "an accident", play time is OVER and parenthood and responsibilities are what they have to look forward to...Momma didn't raise deadbeat dads. I'm raising good young men who (if they turn out like their dad) will be great husbands and fathers.

http://moremilestones.blogspot.com

Telika - posted on 05/23/2010

thats very young but as long as you had the talk its fine bc eitjer way i you say no they are gonna do it and rebellion might happen so if you are comfortable w/ it then good luck

Angie - posted on 05/23/2010

Why are parents encouraging their children to have sex when they're still babies. Remind your son that condoms don't always work and that he shouldn't have sex with anyone unless he wants to have her in his life forever. If a child is born, whether they stay together or not, they will be linked through the child.

Callie - posted on 05/21/2010

i wouldn't encourage teen sex, but this is the age that their bodies change and they need to understand how they have changed and the responsibilities that go with that maturing. I think we need to educate our children on both the physical & mental aspects of engaging in sexual activity. It is not as safe as it was when i was a teen, today you can die from sex with the wrong person. I think a teen needs to be mature and understand that ther are both physical & mental responsibilities, not the least of which is respecting your partners & their reputations. i think protection is key. You can tell them don't and wait but they are people, young developing adults and i think we should help them understand sex is as normal as breathing and can be EXTRMELY satisfying but it comes with lots of responsibilty. I think communications is key to helping them through this maturing process
just my opinion
callie

Ondene - posted on 05/21/2010

You did exactly the right thing. Educating him does help, but tell him that this is a huge step and he must make sure he is mature enough to handel everything that comes with it

Michelle - posted on 05/19/2010

Thank u Alison

Michelle - posted on 05/19/2010

Thank you Mindy for your opinion. That is how I am looking at the situation. I guess all I can do at this point is to make sure that he is always safe and respectful.

Michelle - posted on 05/19/2010

I don't think he is ready for sex and I have talked to him about it but I also don't want to be a parent that has not prepared their child. He knows that i want him to wait, but on the other hand I don't want him not to be prepared if it happens.
Thank you for the advice

Alison - posted on 05/19/2010

remind him that he is responsible for his own sperm.
if he gets her pregnant, he will need to be resonsible for that sperm for the rest of his life. it made my son sit up and listen.
i also told my son that his first experiance should not be in the back of a car or in a field somewher but it should be something special - and to be remembered positivly in the future. they are going to do it sometime somewher, so if you can encourage them to think of it as something special and not another type of desert they should try for the sake of it, then maybe just maybe they will wait until they are old enough to be resonsible about their entire health.

Mindy - posted on 05/19/2010

This probably wont be a "popular" response but its my opinion and what I have done. First off let me say I was a teen mom , i had my son at 16, pregnant at 15. Started having sex at 14. My parents told me " NO SEX NO NO NO NO NO " No this is how you protect yourself IF you decide to have sex just NO dont do it . Well lookie what happened. I said from day ONE i would never been like that w/ my kids. I now have a 17 yr old son . From very early we spoke about sex, made it ok for him to talk to us about anything, sex, nudity , never made it tabu.
He waited until later in life . He knew I woudl prefer for him to not have sex til he was married but im not an idiot, he's a teenager in 2010 and i know he'll have sex. BUT I was not going to let him not know about unprotected sex, diseases, etc. Teaching my son about sex , telling him this is how you protect yourself is NOT ENDORSING IT , its protecting your child in my opinion ! Its protecting him . This mom of your son's girl friend may be going a little far if she is in fact saying " if you wait until your 16 i wont object " that is borderline endorsing it. However, i do think shes also being realistic . Now , just because she says " you can do it if you want " does not mean A the daughter has to do it and B your son will either.
All you can do in this situation is teach your son what you believe and IF he does decide to have sex to
A. Respect the girl .
B. Protect himself as well as her
C. Not tarnish her reputation
D. He a respectful young man either way .
and most of all hope he can talk to you about what ever he decides.
Teaching your kids to protect themselves is not endorsing sex ! Just my opinion .

Louise - posted on 05/19/2010

This is very very young for venturing into an adult relationship. Do you really think he is ready for a sexual relationship. I have raised two sons and neither of them were ready at the age and nor did I encourage it. My elder son is 18 nearly 19 and he does have a sexual relationship with his long term girlfriend of 2 years. My younger son of 16 has had the chat so to speak and is very aware but he will not give into peer pressure and just go and bonk the first girl that offers it. I am surprised that a mum of a 16 year old is accepting of her daughter putting out! I know when my daughter is that age i shall be saying that your virginity can only be given once so wait for the right man to come along. Lets face it sex is not what it is all hyped up to be when you are just starting out and it can be disappointing that there are no hearts and flowers moments just technical what goes where. I think you are heading for trouble if you endorse this. Lets face it this relationship will not last and she will be left with a reputation as someone who goes all the way and he will be given a wide birth by all those girls who are not ready to go all the way and will be left alone. I would ask him to think about this seriously is it really what he wants as there is no turning back!