teenage boys !!!!

Lesley - posted on 08/01/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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HI, Im new here so firstly hello to everyone. I'm 44 and mother of 4 children girl aged 20 and boys aged 17, 12 and 8. I've been having a lot of trouble with my 17 year old recently with him being out all hours drinking, smoking weed not doing anything round the house and refuses to get part time job (he's at college term time). recently we had a big argument after me making his friends go home at 12.30am and i ended up chucking him out. I just don't know how to control him anymore he's a big 6'4" lad and thinks he's grown up. he wrecked the house when we were away and we got no appoligies and he didn't seem to think he'd done anything wrong.

sorry about the ramble but does anyone have any good ideas?

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Ginny - posted on 08/16/2009

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I would have to agree with taking him into court and getting a judge to grant you an order. Not sure what state your in but here in washington they have what is called At risk youth contract. You and the judge come up with a plan of action and if he does not follow it he gets locked up. It can also help getting him into a detox center and ordered to do random testing on him.

Its hard i know i am stuggling with the same. Mine is 14 yr boy and i found drugs in his room. At first he was breaking into our room to steal stuff then it was getting kicked out of school and grades falling. Then he lost his interest in the sport that he loved.

Then we found the drugs in him room. I told him this was enough and he needed to go if he wanted to do those. He left for a month and got into even more trouble than ever. He does not want to do chores and its a big fight.

From what i have learned is keep your grounds firm and let him know you are boss and that you love him and want the best. Take him into a drug counselor and they will make him go to detox. Then get that order into play.



Good luck and email me anytime if you need to talk. I am still stuggling with this but remember to let him know you will be there for him and love him and he will choose the right thing.

Shelly - posted on 08/01/2009

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Lesley,

If he wants to act all grown up then let him be all grown up take your house keys away from him and tell him he can kindly get out of your house....If he doesn't want to act like apart of the family then don't treat him like a part of the family. Let him figure out on his own what he is taking for granted. I don't know why we as parents wouldn't allow a stranger to come into our house and treat us like that so why do we allow our children to??? Get him out of your house by allowing him to get away with this you are showing your other children that it's ok to treat you this way...Some times they will fly when you do this and other times they will come back groveling!!! Good Luck and let us know how it's going

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Lesley - posted on 08/15/2009

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thanks everyone but he still hasn't come home. he won't answer the phone or reply to text from me or his dad. his sister has seen him so i know he is alright. i have said he can come home if he shows more respect. i think i have prehaps lost him now :(

Donna - posted on 08/14/2009

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Show him Love(if it has to be show him Tough Love), Keep reinforcing punishments. Try to get him to talk. If not to you to someone he trusts. If need be try therapy. Just don't give up on him. Keep at him, but don't get obsessive about it. Good Luck!!!

Amanda - posted on 08/14/2009

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We have a 18 soon to be 19 year old who when he hit that magic number of 18 thought he was suddenly man enough to start telling us what to do in our house!!!!!!! This hasn't gone down at all well and he still constantly try's to push any buttons he can to get a reaction from me and his dad.....
The best way we've found of dealing with it is to try and ignore the behaviour as much as possible but let him know when he really has overstepped the mark, which he has on several occaisions!!!!!! Another trick we find useful is to keep reminding how much he gets done for him at home eg all his food, laundry, no bills etc and if he really wishes to play the grown up, he can start doing them all himself and start paying the bills in a place of his own if he wants to play grown ups!!!!!!!!
And unfortunately all teenage boys seem to have a button they can press which means no situation they get themselves into will ever be their fault, its always someone else!!!!!!! We very rarely get an apology for any crappy behaviour which can be exceedingly frustrating, and a lot of the time hurts like hell, but can't do anything to change it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope that helps xxx

Karen - posted on 08/12/2009

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Tell him to get a job or get out! It sounds like he has no responsibilities and your are enabling him by allowing him to live in your home for free where YOU pay the bills. I know it's hard to give our kids ultimatums (sp.) but as long as we allow them to do what they want, they will. You can talk (yell) to him until you are blue in the face, but that just goes in one ear and out the other. Remember, "actions speak louder than words". You have got to be the boss. You have a 12 and 8 year old that will follow in his footsteps if you don't put your foot down! Good Luck!

Barbara - posted on 08/11/2009

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I think you did the right thing making him leave that night his behavior may be impeaded caz of the drinking weed ect... my son is 15 and if he did that I would do the same I was told once that I was trying to make my kid's my friend's and what they needed was a mother not a friend so I stoped trying to please them and became a mom they where not happy at first but it's really what they wanted,make him follow the house rule's no matter what if he can't be a good family member tell him he will have to move he's allmost 18 he is going to try to be independ of you and use you if he can for a place to sleep n hang out if it's not a fun place then he will find a different place to use and after he get's older he will respect you for making him rule's he can feel secure with even if he won't admit it now he will later when he's muture =)

Patty - posted on 08/06/2009

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Oh boy 17 seems to be the age. Mine likes to hang out over friends all night (up all night) or they stay at my house. Says he wants a job but doesn't do much to get one....God forbid I ask him to wash a dish or something!!! Oh and he can't understand why I won't buy him a car. So the only answer I have is that the aliens take our kids between 16 and 17 and we don't see them again until they're about 20-21.

Sabrina - posted on 08/06/2009

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I just wanted to post what me and my husband did when we caught our 18yr old son drinking and smoking weed. (More my hubby's idea) since my son has no job and just graduated high school he has no income and no way to pay rent in our house. (We have always told our kids, once you turn 18 you either go to school, get a job and pay rent, or join the military). He now (even tho he's 18) is grounded for 1 month (we called it 28 day Detox) then we told him that he has to do "rent chores" from 10am-2pm Mon-Fri he has to clean, organize, something. Those are his work hours in exchange for room, food, etc. And just like anyothr job in the real world we will be doing random drug testing. We also said that the friends that we know of him doing these activites are no longer allowed in our home and that if he where to engage in this again, I would personally take him down to a detox center myself and admit him.

It seems to be working so far but he's about to be at the end of his 30 days, so we shall see.

Lesley - posted on 08/05/2009

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hi lesley,
my name is lesley too, i was reading your letter and i can sympathize with you on some of these things, i have a 20 18 and a 16 yr and yes they are all boys, im just a little younger than you but i still am having issues with all the attitudes, swearing, hateful things and all things that come with the testostrone. my 20 yr old is going with a 20 yr old girl that is phsyco, she is right out to left feild, ever since they have been dting he has been saying he is an adult and treat me like one, some of his decisions are not so good but i could tell him and he wouldnt listen anyways, so anyhow, the 20 yr old was kicked out about 3 months ago and then there was an incident that the girlfriends mom didnt want him to live at their house so he was at home paying rent like he did there, he hated that idea so then he started to sit around alot then his 2 bros did the same and i work full time and my hubby is on disability for quite sometime, anyways i asked the 20 yrs old and the 18 yr old to take the garbage in and when i got home what did i see THE GARBAGE. well thats when i said noone is goin to use my jeep my 20 yr old called me a bitch and yes i lost it i kicked all 3 boys out with a small bag a tiny tent not big enough for 3 boys. no food but the 20 yr olds money no blankets jackets or anything. its dark now and yes i hate not knowing if they are ok but i guess they have to learn a hard lesson. i hate it but what can i do.
so now the 20 yr old wants to be grown up and now he has to be the parent to the other 2. dont know if this is right but please let me know

Chrystal - posted on 08/05/2009

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I agree with Brandy, I have a almost 15 (he will be next week) and he knows that I brought him in this world and he will never get too old or too big for mom to bust his butt if need be. I have also used grannys method of getting his attention once when he thought it would be cute to get in my face and look down to me (he stands 6ft). I politely grabbed his ear and jerked him to his knees and reminded him that he is my son and he will be respectful as long as he lives under my roof. and for the legal aspect, both of my children have been told if I find out they are drinking, smoking or doing drugs I will be the first to call the law on them! I would rather deal with them in jail and mad at me than be planning their funeral.

Lesley - posted on 08/05/2009

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Thanks a lot everyone. it sounds like a lot of you are American, am i right? I'm in England and yes Katie I think I am legally responsible for him unitl he is 18, but he disobeys me wether he's living here or not.

Dani - posted on 08/05/2009

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yep chucking him out is a good move. My brother had exactly the same problem, it always ended up being a fight between him and his son then my sis in law would intervene and one day it really came to blows. It was hard for them as he dossed on his friends floors, got a part time job, got caught stealing, but eventually after he had to pay for his accommodation and food he realised what an idiot he had been. After 2 years of being out of the family home he grew up and now lves back at home. sometimes the hard decisions to make are the right decisions. xx

Katie - posted on 08/04/2009

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We went through a horrendous episode with my 15 yr old step son. Not to play devils advocate here, but you do realize that you are legally responsible for your child until he is the age of 18 right? If he were to get into legal trouble (varying by state) you could be held accountable for him. For instance, if he is arrested and sent to juvenile detention until he's 18, you have to pay an outrageous amount for his stay there. Like I said, this may vary from state to state.

You did the right thing, but I would most definitely follow up with having your son emancipated so that you no longer can be held responsible for his delinquency. Just a thought.

Marissa - posted on 08/04/2009

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If he is disrespectful, engaging in criminal activity, not helping around the house, lazy, drinking and smoking, I think you should make it clear that he is acting like an adult. It is up to him how he wants to live his life. You did your job; you raised him, and there is no sense in wasting your valuable time with this grown man/child. You still have two younger children who are looking to you to lead by example, and he is on his own, clearly making the choices of an adult. You did the right thing by throwing him out. Good for you, you put on your 'big girl panties' and dealt with it. Tell him you love him, but he has made his bed and now must lie in it. Encourage him, but don't give in!!!

Roxanna - posted on 08/04/2009

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Just to let you know you are not alone Lesley. I have two teenage boys still at home. They will be 17 and 18 in the next few months. I never had any problems with them until they turned 16. It was like someone flipped a switch and the testosterone started overflowing and they thought they all grown up over night. Mine were also caught and charged with underage drinking although I have not had to deal with drugs or marijuana. My youngest however, led the police on a chase for 10 miles on country roads because he panicked and didn't know what to do cuz he had been drinking. The thought of this and what could have happened scared the heck out of me because their father died a few years ago while driving under the influence. The boys has lost his liscense for a year and I am considering selling his car. My almost 18 yr old is planning to roommate with a friend when he turns 18 and didn't think he has to listen. For this I have taken away their phones, computers and don't let him drive my vehicle (he doesn't have one). This has settled them down and they know I mean business. They have friends that seem to be bouncing around from friends house to friends house to stay because they had been kicked out of their own or have chosen to leave their parents. A reminder of how these friends are living is also a wake up call.

Amber - posted on 08/03/2009

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You have to be firm and tell him to leave.. Sounds like he needs to learn a touh lesson. He is not beiong a good role model for the others in the house. And you can't have the disruption. I think he will either sink or swim.

Kristin - posted on 08/03/2009

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Love and Logic is the best program I have found. Its on tape, at the schools and available in hardback. I love it, it works! Please try it!! And remember you do not have control anymore he is not a child he is a teenager.

Lynda - posted on 08/02/2009

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I have not had that problem (yet) with my 15 year old, but am glad to have this gropu to turn to if it does come up.

I am wondering if adding conditions to his access to things, such as his skateboard, would help him see the value of the gifts and things that he has received for free so far really have. Since he does not have a paying job yet, would a barter system work? ______ chore earns _________ thing. If you have a yard, he can do yardwork before gaining access to the house.

I don't know if it would work, but thought I'd put it out there...

Becky - posted on 08/02/2009

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I am in the same situation so Thank you for replying to Leslie's post. He left once and I let him back before even considering anything. Wish I had read this before.

Tina - posted on 08/02/2009

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Sometimes tough love is the best answer. If he wants to be an adult, treat him like one. Your house is always open if he needs it, but he has to try to make it on his own, without mom's money and living space.

Lesley - posted on 08/02/2009

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thanks everyone, i feel a bit better now about chucking him out and i like the idea of writing the rules down and getting him to sign before he comes back. he sent someone round to get his skateboard yesterday, i told them tp tell him he has to come and get it himself. at least i know he's still alive

Pearl - posted on 08/01/2009

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Stick to your guns, dont let him back untill he agrees to stick to the house rules... but the big trick(and this does help) is to get him to WRITE down why he is sorry, as I'm sure he will SAY he is, and then make him enter into a WRITTEN contract with you.
This does help... maybe isnt the cure (seemingly that only comes with adulthood and this is a journey you are going to have to just ride out and make as easy for you and everyone else) Write down exactly what the rules are and make him sign it.
When he sees it on paper it might show him what hes putting you through, Also its something to throw back at him when he starts.

Brandy - posted on 08/01/2009

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my best recommendation as ood school as it sounds is bend him over your knee and show him his size doesnt matter to be honest. when they figure out they are bigger than there parents they feel they dont have to listen. my oldest is now 5 inches taller then me but still very concerned about getting his butt spanked and i havent spanked him since he was 5 my second is almost 14 and we just had an issue with him that was very quickly resolved. i think the key is to remind him that know matter how big he is your still the mom!!!!!! and he needs to realize how is the boss

Cindy - posted on 08/01/2009

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When my now 20 year old was 17, he was the same way. He finally was caught by the police and received an underage drinking ticket and a possession ticket to the tune of almost $1000. He did have a job however and he had to pay every penny. The reason he was caught was one of the other teens had some reaction to the pot they were smoking and they had to pull over and call an ambulance because he couldn't breathe, that scared my son and at that point he quick smoking the weed. When he quit smoking the weed his attitude changed he was back to being enjoyable. He still drinks and he is forthcoming with that. I just tell him not to get behind the wheel, stay put.

Where we live, we can refuse custody of our children and have them put in a juvenile center setting on a temporary basis. You can also call the Human Services Dept. in your county and see if they have services for out of control teens. You can also file a JIPS (Juvenile In need of Protection or Services) Petition in Juvenile Court on him, Juvenile court will set conditions on him such as getting a job, no drugs, no drinking.

Good Luck to you!

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