Teenage Daughter Breakup - Feeling her pain

Gina - posted on 08/27/2011 ( 268 moms have responded )

8

0

0

A week ago, my 17 year old daughter's boyfriend broke up with her. He has been away at college the past year and she is still in high school. There were new experiences that he was having - drinking, parties, clubs (etc.). He was a shy, studious guy back home and seemed to her that he was changing into a different person at college. It didn't help that Facebook pictures kept popping up of him at clubs, him drunk, him with a bunch of girls. She sort of had to witness this but he never talked about his life there. (FB can be such a problem that way). I think his behaviour is typical and I tried to gently warn her before he went away that changes would happen. He did come home every couple of weeks as the college is not far. But he never invited her to visit. Anyway, when he was home, everything was wonderful for her and he was back to his old self. I know he is just finding himself and I don't fault him for anything. I feel he broke up with her so that he could experience college fully so to speak, and not have to worry about a girlfriend getting mad at him. Totally understandable. But of course he didn't say that to her. He said he was doing this for her...he wanted to stop "hurting" her. She doesn't understand this and is of course hurt but seems to be handling it ok. We talk about it often and I'm just being supportive, keeping her busy, etc. So here is the problem...I am devastated. What is up with that? What is wrong with me? This kid has been in our life for three years. I am friends with his parents. Why should this breakup be affecting me? I'm trying to figure out why this response is happening to me? Am I taking on my childs hurt so she wont be so hurt? It is almost like her getting an injury but the pain transfers to me. When she was a small child and fell down or something, I actually felt kind of a uterine contraction. This is so weird. Anybody else ever experience this sort of transferrance of pain? Any advise for a nutcase mom who seems to live vicariously through her daughter? Thanks.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Kim - posted on 07/13/2013

2

0

0

I'm struggling just now with my daughters broken heart , she was dumped by her 1st boyfriend after 7 months , although I was not exactly happy at the start of the relationship with her being so young , but agreed to it so that she wouldn't hide it from us. She is an amazing daughter and we have a fantastic relationship and confides in me . Her boyfriend was her first and now she is lost & lonely . Her friends have abandoned her so she's stuck in her bedroom hoping for an occasional message from her ex.
My main problem is that I'm utterly devastated for her it's as if her heart is breaking in mine . I feel every pain with her. I want to just wrap her up and run away with her so no one can hurt her. I know that's impossible . I think that this is the 1st time in her whole life that I have not been able to help her, and it's incredibly painful unbearably painful. I had a total breakdown today , I feel as if my heart has been ripped out , I don't think that the way I feel is normal , it's a little bit strange. If she's happy then I'm happy & when she hurts I feel it also . I don't want her to see me in distress , I don't want her to stop coming & speaking to me . I just don't know how to cope with this .

Elke - posted on 09/10/2013

5

0

1

It is so helpful to read this! Thank you for posting. My daughter's boyfriend of 11 months just broke their relationship, and my heart is utterly broken for her. I literally feel her pain, and can't stop crying for her. He was such a major part of her life, and I can remember going through those agonizing feelings as a teen. He was a wonderful boyfriend for 10 months, the sun rose and set around her, celebrated every month and said he couldn't wait for their year anniversary....and bam this last month something in him changed. He was totally showing signs of withdrawal and I sensed this day was coming. I feel like I've held her hand thru this relationship, and seeing him abandon her kills me. The crazy thing is I know in the long run he's really not good for her, so I don't know why it pains me so -- you'd think i'd be happy. I understand this is a process of life, breaking up with different people. Yes, he's a teen boy...so there you go. He's always going to be that first one she'll always remember, and to say goodbye to that is painfully sad. We're two days into this breakup, and I pray she gets stronger each day...going to school right now is horrible for her -- he completely ignores her. Thanks for post...as I'm am terribly awake with insomnia.

Michelle - posted on 02/15/2012

5

0

1

Tami,

I read your story with sadness for you, feeling your pain. It sounds like your daughter is doing a little better, but you are still struggling. Having gone through this recently, I know how frustrated you are. Please be assured you are not crazy. Emotions are very powerful things, and where our daughters are concerned, they are more intense than even our own lives. I think it is because we ant the best for our girls, no pain, no sorrow. We want them to be happy. So don't feel crazy about how you feel.

Some things I have tried to recover from this:

-- don't read texts, Facebook posts etc. This is difficult, but you have to distance yourself from this. It helps a lot.

--don't ask your daughter for updates...wait until she approaches you. Your relationship with her is more important than anything...you don't want to drive her away by obsessing about her relationship. This is difficult also, but is very helpful.

--find something else to focus your mental energy on. I started following world politics, which makes relationship problems pale in comparison. haha

--focus on your daughter's strength.Praise her strengths and good choices.

--think about her future, and the experience she is getting in these relationships.

This is what worked for me, through an on again off again relationship that lasted over 4 months.By the third time they began getting back together, I was able to successfully stay detached, only discussing things when she wanted to. He is with another girl now, and my daughter is fine with it, and I am glad I stayed out of the last part of the relationship.

I hope this helps some....just know there are many out there that feel the same type of emotions, and have managed to make it through!

Michelle

Erica - posted on 01/08/2015

2

0

0

I am struggling with the same thing. And am SO glad to have found this. I feel like I'm falling apart and need to be committed. My daughter who is only 14 and her boyfriend who is 15 just broke up. He had a terrible home life and I basically took care of him the entire time they dated. But each night I would ask a million questions about their relationship. I drove her crazy...she still confides in me and I'm grateful for that, but I feel myself losing control. He broke up with her recently because I think the stress of his home life and knowing what he can and can't do just became overwhelming. She seems to have moved on, even has another boyfriend. But I am still looking on social media to see what and who he is with or talking to and have now actually started to do the same to the new boy she is talking to. I know I was more upset than she was when they broke up but I didn't let her know it. I consoled her the best I could, but admit I cried some myself. And now I am watching the new boy like a hawk. I am already starting in on her with all the questions. Even last night he didn't text her good night and had gave some strange answers to his profile on ask.fm. My daughter says everything is fine, but I feel like it's not and can't stand the thought of this happening to her again...or me for that matter. IIIIIIIII was upset that he didn't text her goodnight and she was rational and said, "Mom maybe he fell asleep. Jeez." Which is logical, but I assume the worst. I can't stand this anxiety and feel like I'm losing it. I tried not to care with the new boyfriend but I am already falling back into my old habits. Has anyone found anything that works or is helpful to take your mind off of it? I am married and have a son and life is grand. But no matter what I'm doing it seems like I'm worried about this relationship. ANY HELPFUL ADVICE???

Alecia - posted on 09/11/2013

5

0

0

Gina - I remember the first days after my daughters breakup. She texted me constantly from school saying she couldn't do it, she couldn't be there and I just kept saying "You have to, it will never be as bad a s today is. Every day gets better." And everyday does get better. Yes, her ex ignored her as well. He put on a happy face and flirted with every girl he saw. It killed her. But she got through it. I know how bad this is hurting both you and your daughter. I am here if you need to talk it through. I slept in my daughter's bed with her for a straight month and held her while she cried all night. It was devastating to see her in that much pain. I too had insomnia for months. Crazy, right? But it was awful. She lost 22 pounds through it all, I lost 16!

She was at a baseball game with her new boyfriend last night and she seems really happy. I am happy for her. But I have to say, I don't see the same twinkle in her eye for this new boy as she had for the last one. It could be that she is protecting herself, I don't know.

What I do know is that this breakup was almost as hard on me as it was for her. I still miss that boy, I miss talking to him. When he wanted her back, he came over and talked with me, we talked on the phone, and he would cry about his mistakes but it was too late for her. The damage was done. It was almost as if I had to help him through the breakup in the end, as if I had to experience their break up all over again. I still wish they could find their way back to each other but they have both moved on, I guess it's time for this crazy mom to as well. :)

Breaking up is hard to do, isn't that a song? But who knew it would be harder on the moms :)

268 Comments

View replies by

Andrea - posted 6 days ago

5

0

1

Hi Tina. Nope, you are most certainly NOT alone. I have found that truth to be very comforting. It has now been just over 2 months since my daughter's boyfriend (who seemed to absolutely adore her) broke up with her. She had a couple of weeks of pretty deep sorrow (sprinkled with moments of "I'm over it"). Just the other night she woke me up at 3:00 a.m. just sobbing. She said she didn't expect to still feel so much pain after 2 months. I held her for a while until she thought she could sleep. As with any loss, the pain ebbs and flows. The good thing is that the ups and downs become less dramatic and are further and further apart. The problem is that when they hit out of the blue, it can be very painful, especially when you're dealing with the loss of a first love. My daughter is a strong young woman, but she will still have her moments. I will let her live through this and feel what she needs to feel with the knowledge that this is a useful, albeit painful, part of life and it will teach her a lot about herself and others, and a lot about love. My heart still hurts for her, knowing that she's hurting, but I have also learned to step back a little bit and let her go through this, let her reach out to friends and to let her come to me (rather than constantly nagging her and asking if she's ok). As moms, we are all in this together. None of us is alone. How wonderful is that?! Thanks to all of the other moms out there who help me and others with their wisdom.

Tina - posted on 08/19/2016

1

0

0

Omg I'm literally sitting here crying reading these posts . I thought I was crazy feeling my daughters breakup pain maybe even more than she does . I see I'm not alone . Thank you for this group ! Her first boyfriend of 7 months was so in love with her then suddenly broke up with her . She's devastated especially that she doesn't understand why ? Hopefully this will pass , but oh boy I don't understand why I'm feeling this crazy pain ?

Janet - posted on 06/13/2016

17

0

1

I think alot of us moms have gone through this with our teens. My 15 yr old has been with her bf for 2 years now but after almost a year he broke up with her. She was devastated and I was too since I thought they were so good together. It was hard on the whole family and even his mom was as upset as we were. But..after a 2 month breakup they got back together again and so far they are madly in love and planning a future together. So hopefully this will happen in your case, but belive me it's not easy when this happens to our kids. Good luck! Jan

Andrea - posted on 06/13/2016

5

0

1

Oh my goodness, thank God it's not just me. My 16 year old daughter's boyfriend of nearly 8 month broke up wither over the weekend. We all loved this boy. I could not have picked a better person for her to be with. They laughed, they had so much in common...and then it just ended. She was blindsided, as was I. I have not eaten in 2 days. I spent the day cleaning my house and bawling like a baby yesterday. I suppose I should have wondered when, 4 months in he got sick (very sick) and asked for space. We all just thought he needed to get well. My daughter was upset at first but had a feeling everything would be ok, which it seemed to be...they just went to his prom together, they went camping for the weekend afterward and had, what we were told was, an amazing time...and then one week later. it's over. Gone. She is broken, empty, alone. My heart is breaking for her. I can't concentrate. She managed to go to work at her part-time job yesterday...I have no idea how she managed. She has a wonderful best friend who was there for her. I know it will get a little easier each day (a tiny bit), but to watch her so sad is killing me. Like some other moms, there is a stupid little bit of hope in me that they will get back together...I don't think that is a very good idea, but he is so sweet and was so good to her...you know, up until he dumped her out of nowhere. I am comforted knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. Thanks everyone.

Laura - posted on 05/30/2016

4

49

0

Its nice to know I'm not the only one. My daughters boyfriend just broke up with her 4 days ago. They have been dating a year. They spent almost every day last summer together and they both were looking forward to this summer. Her boyfriend is so sweety husband and I thought of him as another son, he went camping with us and she went camping with them.Then the day before the last day of school he broke up with her. I have been just as upset. Stomach aches every day, crying , feeling like I don't want to do anything. This kid is great and we all still care about him my husband was upset as well as her brother and sister. I hope the pain ends soon

Kim - posted on 05/18/2016

1

0

0

Oh wow! I had no idea so many other moms felt this way! The original post is five years old, but here we all are still replying. How amazing is that! I'm so glad I found this. I too am going through something similar. Sadly, this is the second time I've been through this already with my 15 year old daughter. The first was last fall and she and the boy only dated for about a month. She later even confessed he was a rebound from a guy that she was friends with and liked but never dated. But rebound or not, the little weasel plopped himself into the middle of our lives and then cruelly dumped my daughter right before homecoming. My daughter was sad for a couple months, but nothing like the way she is now.

Three months ago she and a boy she'd been friends with for years decided to become more than friends. They had "liked" each other off and on for the past year, but the timing was never right. When they finally decided to give it a try, they both were so happy. They spent as much time as possible together (they go to different schools), and I'd never seen my daughter so happy. He told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, which scared her a little at first, but the more he talked about it, the more she wanted to believe it was true.

They broke up after about six weeks (for only 12 hours), but he quickly decided he couldn't live without her. They talked about what caused the break up and how to communicate better. Things seemed great for the past 6 weeks, but this morning that all ended. Long story short, they agreed to be just friends again for now. My daughter has a bit of a temper and a jealous streak, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to deal with it anymore (I don't blame him) even though he still cares about her. She wanted to try to work things out and she is aware of her temper and is working on that and her jealousy. She loves him so much and thinks they are meant for each other. They talked about starting over, as friends first and then later try again at a relationship with each other. But I don't know. Part of me wants to believe that's true, but part of me is worried that it's just BS on his part so he doesn't look like a bad guy.

I guess we'll see what happens. I hope for her sake that they can remain friends and that they do get back together, as long as it's in a healthy relationship and not something toxic. I was really surprised by the break up. He always told her how much he loved her and how they will be together forever. And she really, really thinks he's the one and only for her. It hurts so much to think that she might be holding onto false hope. I just don't have the heart to even bring that subject up.

I'm so glad I found this, and to know that I'm not crazy. I feel certifiably insane right now with stupid tears pouring down my face as I'm typing this. It's good to know that I'm not alone with these feelings.

Karli - posted on 04/26/2016

68

3

13

Hi! Wow! That is SO sad. When I just read that you just hugged the X-boyfriend goodbye and you have tears rolling down your eyes, I had tears running down my eyes too reading this. I seem to have tears running down my eyes now for almost the past 2 weeks since my daughter broke it off with her boyfriend of almost 5 years. I wonder if anyone in this group ever heard of or watched the move "Splendor In the Grass"? It will make you cry, so get a box of tissues. But this is how I feel right now. My heart is breaking because I truly felt this was the "one" for her. He got along with everyone. My immediate family & my elder sisters and brother and in-laws and my mom. He was funny, sociable, he lit up a room and gave me joy to see him and my daughter laughing and so happy together. You could feel it. That's why I am stunned, shocked and feeling so "alone" and sad right now. In that movie I mentioned there is a quote and I'll just end this post with that quote cause I cannot stop the sadness I'm feeling right now but I'm glad to be able to communicate with similar moms here and a big thank you to you all. Poem ~

What though the radiance
which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass,
of glory in the flower,
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

-- William Wordsworth

Karli - posted on 04/17/2016

68

3

13

Hi! I am so glad there is a website here to post and share my feelings about sadness, despair and even depression over my daughter's breakup with her boyfriend. Like so many of you here, I also feel like he is the "one" for her. First let me explain, they have been going steady since the month before she turned 16. That's when my family met him, at her Sweet 16 Party. They've been together ever since. He is so personable, friendly, happy and good to my daughter. He showers her with gifts. We feel like he is a son to us. However, he has broken up with her twice and now my daughter broke up with him. Even though they have gotten back together after the first two break ups, this one scares me even more because my daughter told us about another "friend" she met and he has come over for dinner once. How did you meet him I asked her. Well, her X introduced them. They were friends from college. Anyway, I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I also have sleepless nights, thinking, worrying, praying, thinking of the "what ifs". I picture grandchildren and how happy I would be but of course, it's my daughter's decisions and happiness that come first. I realize that. Her X is heartbroken, has spoken to me and my husband and cries at the thought of losing her. He said he loves her. He brought her roses and left them with my husband and I. My daughter was in the shower and her X didn't come in. When she finally saw the flowers, she was emotionless, expressionless. We advised her X to just give her some space and then try reaching out to her. I have kept my opinions to myself and my husband cause I don't want to "butt" in. Just to know people here share similar problems gives me some relief. Her X had the "joy" factor. Her new "friend" (that's what she calls him although I caught her holding his hand), is definitely nice but that's about it, I don't feel like he's the "one". I realize we only met him once but sometimes first meetings mean something too. Thank you for letting me vent. ~ Karli

Karen - posted on 03/30/2016

1

0

0

You are not alone. I feel the same way you do. I obsess over this all the time. I feel like my 18 year old daughters X-boyfriend is the one too...even though at the same time I just can't help but think he's no good for her. He was neglected as a child and doesn't even know how to love. Yet, there is something about him that I can't explain. And although in my heart I know he cares for my daughter...he is so complicated and confused. They are hanging out again and part of me is happy but on the other hand I know it will end (again) with her devastated. I keep telling myself to detach....that she needs to experience this relationship without me hovering over it....but I'm struggling. I am so thankful to read through all these comments and see that I am not the only one. It is possible I am reliving my youth through her.....bringing back memories of a very intense first love for me.

Kristin - posted on 03/30/2016

3

0

1

Robin,

Like you I am so glad I found this page! I am going through the same thing and really thought there was something wrong with me. I truly believe the guy my daughter has been on and off again with is who she is meant to be with and I have anxiety and so many sleepless nights surrounding this relationship. It is weird, but the feelings seem to be tied more to him than her and I have never met him!! She is out of state at school. There are just so many times when I have an overwhelming feeling of missing my daughter even though I had just seen her or spoken with her only to find out a few days later that he has reached out to her. There have been many other coincidences as well, things that are hard to explain. She met him her first week of college last year and although they have not been steady, in her heart she seems convinced that he is her soul mate and they are meant to be together. The weirdest thing is that before she confessed this to me and before I knew too much about the relationship, when I saw a picture of them together last year, I immediately felt connected to this person, felt like I knew him and immediately said almost out loud, "there he is, that is him, her guy". Whatever you want to call it, I felt they were connected. The frustrating part is that he came to college not wanting a relationship but basically had one with my daughter all last year. At times she was the happiest I have ever seen her, but then there was a point, she was so low, I never want to see her there again. It is an overwhelming feeling she has that they are supposed to be together and he seems to be fighting it. He has told her this year that he is in love with her but they just can't see each other. He does not date anyone else and goes back and forth with blocking her from his social media so he can't see her only to reach out again and again. He confessed his love again recently but then pulls back. They both are in their second year of college and he seems to think they are too young for something serious. Just when he seems to be ready, he pulls out and I just can't take the heartache my daughter is going through. Funny thing is that even though she has seen a few other guys, her nor I (of course she does not know how this is affecting me! I do not tell her because I do not want it to affect her decisions) can't get past this nagging feeling that he is the one. I almost feel like I know his soul and I just do not understand it. I am a common sense person and have never had anything like this happen before. I guess I am just venting and am glad there are others here who can relate. I feel like neither her or I will be settled till they are together. I try very hard to focus on work and encourage her to focus on herself and have fun, but there is a deep hole that is missing and she tries so hard to fill it with other relationships but it just does not work and it kills me. There is nothing I can do but I am so heartbroken for her and frustrated with him yet, there is a part of me that understands where he is coming from. Thanks for the space to post without feeling like a crazy person!! I just can't get past my sadness!!

Helena - posted on 03/18/2016

21

0

3

Hi Robin,
I think you did what you needed to do. I guess it would have been better if you had been able to convince your own daughter to leave him for good. But sounds like she is nowhere close to being open to that. This back and forth with the 18-yo is bad for your daughter's self confidence, and you are right to rescue her.

Robin - posted on 03/15/2016

8

0

2

Thank goodness I discovered this community. I thought I was the only mom feeling this way and even went to counseling because I truly thought I was going nuts. My 15 yr old daughter dated a boy for 8 months. He was a bit controlling and had trust issues. I began to think it wasn't a good idea for them to date (he's a senior, she's a sophomore but she's 15 and he turned 18). I started encouraging her to do more with her friends and balance her relationship (friends and him) but he wanted all her time. He broke up with her two months ago and began dating someone else a week later. Two weeks after that, he told my daughter that he still loved her and wanted her back. He even hugged me and cried and said he was sorry about everything. Four days later he broke up with my daughter and went back to the other girl. I truly despise this boy and he knows it. My daughter went on a date a week ago and her ex began talking to her again. He told her he still loved her and he began talking to my daughter about his relationship problems with his gf (the girl he left my daughter for). He then tells my daughter that as long as she's talking to this other boy, he won't pursue my daughter, so of course my daughter stops talking to the other boy, her ex breaks it off with the other girl on Friday morning and then gets back with the girl Friday evening. He's been telling my daughter for a week that he still loves my daughter and has made a mistake but he also cares about this other girl. Blah blah blah. I finally made a decision that enough's enough. I told my daughter's ex to leave her alone and stay out of her life. I told him to block her from everything and to not talk to her. Now my daughter won't speak to me. She hates me. She said she would rather have him in her life as a friend than not have him in her life at all. Now I feel horrible. I feel I did the right thing but I'm second guessing myself. Did I do it for her or did I do it for me? I found myself hating him one minute and then wanting him back in her life the next. I know he's not good for her but did I get involved when I shouldn't have? My concern is that she would have let him continue to lead her on when he had no intentions of getting back with my daughter. He's graduating in two months and I think once he's gone, it will be easier for everyone to move on. She'll be 16 in a few months and I know I need to let her make her own decisions and learn from mistakes but she was willing to listen to this guy talk about his ex and she was believing everything he said and was hoping that being there for him would make him want her back. I felt I had to rip the band aid off and force her (and him) to move on. Anyone else do this?

Helena - posted on 02/28/2016

21

0

3

Hi Erica,
It's been a few weeks, how are you daughter and her bf doing? How are you doing? Wondering if you have found a way to manage your obsession with their relationship or are you just as obsessed? I too am struggling with my desire to know all the details...

Erica - posted on 02/09/2016

2

0

0

I am also so glad I've found this post. I feel like I'm not alone. My daughter and her boyfriend have only been dating a couple of months and everything is currently great! But I am CONSTANTLY obsessing about what he is doing. I get mad if he likes another girl's picture on social media, I worry if he doesn't text her back right away, I worry if SHE doesn't text him back right away. I worry if they don't see each other for even a day. I feel like I'm going crazy! I don't want her to get hurt, but also I don't want me to get hurt. I feel like I'm swept up in the whole young fun love of it all and the fairytale. My daughter is 15 and her boyfriend is 16 and I feel like I'll lose my sanity if they break up, but I'm constantly checking on if "everything is okay" between them. I get sick to my stomach if I think he is doing something he shouldn't be. How and why is this happening? Today my kids aren't in school because of a snow day and I'm upset that they won't see one another, even though she doesn't seem to care...I'm upset that he hasn't asked to come over this evening. I just feel out of control. I am so glad I'm not alone, but I want the feeling of constant worry to stop.

Mikie - posted on 01/05/2016

28

0

8

aww is she ok i think that boy was tooo much for her i hope everything works out for her

Emily - posted on 01/05/2016

4

0

1

Update on the situation: my daughter and her friend are still broken up, but they are back in school. Those that believe that two high schoolers can't go back to just being friends can have hope. They are eating lunch together and acting as they were before. My daughter says the pressure of dating is gone and their relationship is better.

Mary - posted on 01/01/2016

2

0

0

I am so glad I found this post. I thought maybe I was going crazy too!! My 14 year old daughter dated a boy in 7th grade. They dated for 6 months and then just out of the blue, he broke up with her. She was completely devastated and while she moved on and even dated another guy, she was just not the same. She blocked him from all social media and tried not to talk with him (even though I know she did) and things went on. In June, she unblocked him just to see what he looked like now and he immediately messaged her. They started talking again and eventually decided to get back together. From the beginning, I told him that I would not allow him to put her through that again and he promised that he knew what a big mistake he had made and how much he loved and cared about her. We let him back into our family and he was with us almost all the time. Things seemed to be going quite well until about a month ago. He stopped doing the sweet things he was doing in the beginning and seemed to distance himself from her. On their 6 month anniversary, he started telling her he was losing feelings for her and wasnt sure if they were going to make it. She was so upset and confused. He told her that he doesnt want her out of his life and wanted to be friends. She told him that she couldn't and wouldn't do that to herself. She said she would have to completely cut him off. The next day he called it off. She is absolutely devastated and confused. She will be fine one minute and crying her heart out the next. I have cried with her and cried in private also. I am trying to make her see that she will be okay and eventually it wont hurt so bad but I know that if he called her and told her he made another mistake and wanted her back she would drop everything and go running back. I was incredibly close to this boy and loved him dearly. I can't understand what causes him to do this but I also know that as much as I cared about him, I can't stand what he's done twice now to my daughter. Everytime I see her cry so hard and watch her heart break, I just want to call him and ask him why he ever came back in the first place. I know that no explanation would make this any better so I feel like its just a vicious circle that I have no idea how to break!

Emily - posted on 12/28/2015

4

0

1

I am glad to have found this post. My family thinks I am crazy for being so sad about my daughter's boyfriend of two years breaking up with her. They have been best friends for 5 years and he has liked her since 7th grade. They are now seniors and he doesn't want to ruin their senior year by them both being sad and angry. They had planned to go back to being friends before college because he wants freedom in college. All of a sudden after my daughter had been at his house several days in a row, he decided they should break up now. He claims it makes him sad every time they are together and wants to make their adjustment to college easier. I feel his mom is behind this situation. She babies her son and doesn't want him to even go to college. There is a decent chance even the two will end up at the same school, and they are going into similar areas. I can't get over this hope that he realizes what he has given up and wants her back, but on the other side of the coin, I don't know that his family would allow her the freedoms that she wants in life, I have a friend in that family who thinks she can do better. Even though I can list off the difficulties in their relationship, I still wish he was her happily ever after. My daughter seems to be okay, and even has some ideas of a new prom date, but I feel like crying every other day. It has been a week an a couple days. This kid never said he loved her in two years but would say he adored her as a friend. He doesn't want to use those words until he knows he will marry that girl. He has also said he wished she was his fifth girlfriend because then it could be more serious. His mom called her just a high school girlfriend. My daughter isn't a dramatic girl looking for romance, and she cared deeply for this boy. Before she would admit caring about this boy, she did say she could imagine washing dishes and singing the Beatles with him. They have been through a lot together and she wants to stay his friend. She knows he needs to have freedom before he can figure out what he wants. I have had people saying he is just playing her and doesn't want to be her friend. Maybe I am being naive but I really don't think this is what he wanted but was what his mom said should happen because my daughter has been at her house too much which is getting to serious in her eyes. He has been distant over break but has been told that it is family time, so this isn't any different from when they are dating. She was not invited for the New Years party but he asked if she could still come. His mom thought it was a bad idea. Again they have been best friends for longer than they dated. I am hurting and worried about my daughter. I find myself looking at texts, snapchats etc. it is driving me insane. My friends all feel she could do better, and I know that this relationship was better in the planning stages than in the reality. I am glad I am not alone in this insanity. No one is really getting this. I don't hate the kid and I hope that the two of them can move past this and be friends. I will feel better when they get back to school where they can actually see each other and deal with this in the light of day.

Kelly - posted on 10/11/2015

1

0

0

I really thought I was going crazy. I thought I was the only one going through this!! Almost 3 weeks ago, my 15 year old daughters boyfriend suddenly ended their 3 month relationship. My daughter is dealing with it better than I am! Although she still talks about him and is down some days, she seems to be ok. This was her first serious relationship and even though it was only 3 months, we all really liked him and got to know him and his family really well. They spent almost every day together over the summer. Sometimes with our family, sometimes with his family.. My daughter was so happy and told me all about their dates, and plans for the future. He promised her he would never hurt her and how he thanked God every day that he had brought them together. Then about 2 weeks after school started this girl at my daughters school started spreading false rumors that my daughters bf had gotten another girl pregnant. She was just doing this to make my daughter mad to break up with her bf because she didn't like my daughter but was friends with her bf. Well my daughters boyfriend got upset that she would even listen to such absurd rumors. She didn't believe them of course. So he texted me and said maybe it would be better if they weren't together then this girl would leave my daughter alone. I told him to come over and talk it out with my daughter. He said he hates drama which was the whole reason he switched to a different school. Well they talked for 2 hours and my daughter finally convinced him to stay with her that all the drama would blow over. We all hugged and I thought everything was worked out. The next evening he was going to come over and take my daughter out for her birthday and to ask her to homecoming. Instead he called he and said that their relationship isn't going to work. My daughter was devastated. She texted him a while later. He never answered her. He deleted and blocked us all on Facebook. He blocked us from calling or texting him. About a week ago a mutual friend of theirs told my daughters best friend the reason he broke up with her was because his parents " hated" her and that she was too clingy. I know for a fact that is not true. His parents loved my daughter. His mom told me several times how much they liked her. I just can't get over this. I know he is a good kid. Outside of going to where he works or to his house my daughter has no way to contact him. Am I crazy for wanting them to get back together? I keep trying to convince my daughter to go to youth group that they used to go to together to talk to him so she can at least find out why he completely erased her out of his life but she says she doesn't want to see him. But then she will say she still loves him. I don't know how to help her. All I want is for her to be happy and I know she's not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sarah - posted on 09/26/2015

1

0

0

I feel my daughter's pain immensely and honestly feel crazy and ashamed for being so upset over her break up with her long term boyfriend. My daughter is a bit older (22) and has a son. She was with het boyfriend close to 5 years. It is helpful to know so many other moms feel the same way. My logically side knows that it is for the best, but I can't take seeing her so sad. I try to analyze why it is so painful for me.

Lisa - posted on 09/11/2015

1

0

0

My daughter broke up with her first love of a year and a half over 18 months ago, and I still can't get my disappointment out of my head. My older daughter married her first love, so I guess I thought that would be the case for my younger one. The boy has moved on, but she hasn't although she has dated a little. I think it still bothers her some. I am really embarrassed to have these feelings especially after so much time, and I dont tell anyone I do. I actually have little rules I try to follow so I don't think about it like don't check Facebook, don't bring him up, ect. It's really crazy. I am just hoping confessing this here will help.

Ann - posted on 08/28/2015

1

0

0

OMG--I think your post just may have saved my life and my sanity! I thought I was going crazy having these same feelings you discussed. Thank you and to the other mom's who posted to let me know I am not alone in my thoughts. My 17 year old daughter is about to face something similar.I see it is about to happen. She is senior who has been dating a college boy for almost 7 1/2 months. She started dating him in middle of her Junior year and the middle of his freshman year in college. They had been friends in high school for about 2 years prior to dating. There relationship started up quite quickly; I was a little surprised when my daughter had informed me she finally had her 1st kiss. Yes, my daughter had never dated before or let a lone had her 1st kiss.She is a very beautiful and smart girl and has been turning down dates for years. She was just never ready. So when she informed me, I was taken a back and was very happy for her. I was also thrilled because of the boy, I have known him from school for three years. Under any other circumstances, I would not have let my daughter date a college boy but since he was an alumni who I knew. He is very smart and has goals for himself. I also know his mother a little bit. So, I decided to roll with it. They have been able to have a really good relationship long distance (he goes to college an hour away). My daughter even waited 5 months into the relationship before declaring her love to him (he tried earlier on, but she did not want to hear it yet). They were going so strong and seemed so in love. Even during the summer they did not see each a whole lot (due to work and trips they both took). But when they did have a date it would last between 6-12 hours (usually hanging out at our house). Plus, I found out throughout he course of their relationship that he is very close to his mom...but I think she-she maybe a bit controlling over him. Anyway, everything was going great until he started talking about going back to school about 3 1/2 weeks ago. He informs my daughter that he is not going to be able to come home near as often and not be able to text as much since his class load is so hard. Ok. We both can respect that. PLUS This year instead of a dorm he is getting an apartment with his best buddy near campus. All of a sudden he is not texting near as much (and school has not started yet). Ok, to me it's a red flag. I talk to my daughter about it, and she tells me "its her relationship, and as long as she is happy, isn't that all that matters?" Well yes, of course, she is correct. I think about this and agree with her, but something in my gut just doesn't feel right. Ok. so this goes on on for about a week...then next thing you know...everything seems great again. Ok, I worried for nothing. BUT I still have this aching feeling something is is not quite right. Then they have this amazing date (as usual hung out at our house). They seem so in love with each. They take some really cute pictures together before he goes back to school, The way he looks at my daughter is with such love and respect...it warms my heart.....BUT yet I still have this feeling something is about to change. Don't know why....they seem so in love. Fast forward to last week. Ok, daughter starts her senior year. Ok, they texting goes down again. Ok. He knows she's at school and needs to learn, plus she has a rigorous schedule. He sends text over the weekend that “sorry he's a bad boyfriend because he can't spend a lot of time with her” and that is why people (I know he means his mom) all the time tell him he should not have a girlfriend due to his busy schedule. OOOOKKKKK. This one really hurt my daughter. BUT he loves her and is happy that she is dating him. She replies she's glad, and his response is try to remember that. Now It's their 7 month anniversary...making plans are they doing their date over the weekend or actual day? Ok. actual day but no...he wants to change it because he won't have much time that day since packing and all that...tells her will be leaving back to school on Thursday.Ok, so make date Wednesday night since he will have more time.Ok, no problem. SOOOO Wed. comes and she gets a text after school that he can only hang out for about an hour and 1/2 since has to pack (been doing that for 2 weeks already). Plus wants to meet at a restaurant, not our house. OK....this is VERY out of sorts. I get his gut retching feeling he is going to break up with her. Ok, He did not, BUT still something is very, very off. He leaves for school the next day. Ok, my daughter of course is very sad because she is not going to be seeing him or hearing from him as much. Ok, weekend comes classes have not started for him yet texting goes WAY down...classes started this week for him....texting goes down to maybe 2-6 texts a day...no more goodnight text....no more endearing names (baby, sweetie, darling, etc), and no I love you text for over 2 weeks now (did tell her in person on days she saw him in person). Ok,. I know he is busy with school, but come on school just started...you're that busy already? I see him on Instagram and on FB (only for minutes at a time). So, I see where all this is going. I also have a feeling his mom is either behind it or partly behind it. I think she wants him to be single to concentrate on school. I can respect that, I really can. BUT this is his life. AND if he feels the same why doesn't he just call it off? SOOOO I now have the feeling that he wants to slow things WAY down with my daughter so that she will not be happy and break up with him...so he is not the bad guy. I SOOO want to tell my daughter this warning, but my husband warns me that this is HER relationship and she needs to figure these things out on her own. AND that I am probably reading too much into everything. This whole thing make me sick, because I REALLY like this boy, he's been so sweet, loving, good and supportive to my daughter. In fact they never fight about things...there only disagreements are usually silly things or about not him not having enough time to spend with her (during the course of the school year they saw each other about every 2 weeks and during the summer it was once a week to every 2 weeks depending on their schedules). It also hurts me so because when you see these 2 together you can just feel the love and excitement in the air. And up to last "real" date 2 weeks ago everything was great. Just what went wrong? I hurt because I know my baby is going to hurt. This is her 1st relationship and 1st love...so it will hurt her worse. I just wish there was something I could do. Thank you for listening and letting me ramble and get my feeling out there. Sorry if my thoughts are all over the place...this is very hard for me. So am I seeing something that isn't there? Anybody have any thoughts or opnions?

Jaded - posted on 07/29/2015

5

0

2

This is a very helpful and comforting post. Seems like a lot of mom's go through this. My story is very similar to many here. Sad for both and worried for them...Appreciate everyone's input.

Shelly - posted on 07/05/2015

1

0

0

My daughter had dated her boyfriend for 10 months. They were 15 when they started dating so since neither could drive we got to know him well. They had a good relationship and his family adored my daughter. Near the end of the school year my daughter started flirting with someone else and without really thinking things through broke up with her boyfriend. This other guy was his best friend. Needless to say things got really ugly at school. My daughter got called terrible names. But 2 weeks later her ex was in another relationship and still is 8 weeks later. The boy my daughter was flirting with hasn't talked to her since. Problem is my daughter wants her ex back. They have been snapchatting and texting. But he is mean to her in the texts. I want her to stop but she won't. She is just inflating his ego. The girl he is now seeing is super popular as is my daughter and on social media this other girl is getting nasty. My daughter who is older and more mature just doesn't respond. I just don't know how to handle this. My daughter and I don't ever talk about it as she doesn't want me prying in her business, but I want to help her. Gosh I just hate all this.

Dora - posted on 05/29/2015

1

0

0

I´m so glad I found your post. I was getting really worried. Why am I feeling so upset after my 13 year old daughter got her heart broken? Her story is not very complicated, she is in a new school, she fell in love with a really nice 14 year old. After a few months he was seriously flirting wth her, holding hands, telling her he wanted to kiss her, etc. But apparently he was still in love with an ex girlfriend, who happens to be the most popular girl in class. When she saw he was interested in my daughter she simply told him she wanted to get back with him, and started calling my daughter and new friends "geeks" (nothing wrong with being a geek, right? After all geeks own the world). The next day, this seriously confused boy decided not to hang out with my daughter anymore, and went back to his ex girlfriend. My girl has been crying herself to sleep the whole week, worried not only by the fact he was so mean just discarding their relationship with no explanations and breaking her heart, but also by the fact she is absolutely certain the other girl will break his heart too, and she can´t do anything about it... Last night I just couldn´t close my eyes, I was so upset feeling her pain and trying to find the right words to make everything ok again. I came into my office today and I told a friend I just couldn´t sleep with all these emotions and she looked at me astonished and said I was absolutely nuts. Thankyou for sharing your stories, at least I don´t feel I´m becoming crazy, and the advice below on avoiding social media and keeping her busy is great. I never thought I would re-live my teenage emotions through my daughter...

Kim - posted on 04/14/2015

1

0

0

I have been having the same feelings. How could you love my daughter one minute and break up with her the next. The hard part is how cruel this 'great' guy has become. My poor daughter was completely blindsided and so were we. They seemed so in love and he just walked (ran) away once he made plans for college. I guess misery does love company because it is a relief to know other mothers have experienced the same thing. I always told her it's better to love and lose than to never love but after the horrible way this once great guy treated her I find myself wishing I had told her to not let him into her heart. Teen boys no matter how wonderful are just too unpredictable. The boy who didn't want to go away with a girlfriend left at home has already replaced my daughter but the heartbreak he leaves in his wake will go to this next family. I feel just as sorry for them.,

Kelly - posted on 12/21/2014

1

0

0

I am feeling your pain. I have a 19 year old daughter that was in a 4 1/2 year relationship and was engaged to be married next year. You get so attached and take them in as our own and then to have them split and take a new track of life immediately just makes you wonder if our families were ever important or were we just convenient? My daughters ex also had home life issues and he came to live with us when there was no one else there for him and now he won't speak, wave or acknowledge us in any way and has moved the new gf in with him and his mother after just 2 days following the breakup..... Ugggghh.. The hurt is unbearable and the disrespect level in the whole event is out of control. I know my daughter is still hurt but I know it is affecting me as much if not more that it has ended this way. Have you found any successful ways of coping?? Please share.

Jennifer - posted on 08/15/2014

14

0

3

To add to this. I find that when you see a kid in your home, you cook, for them drive them places, they spend time there you become attached to them like they are family? How is it not normal to feel sad if they break up or leave? I mean it seems normal to me. My husband doesn't care but men are different. I just can't be that way. I know she was happy with him for most of their relationship but they knew this day was coming that he would start school and it is obviously taking a toll. But I told them that if they decide to get back together later, they can and he will have a good education and so will she.

Hazel - posted on 08/02/2014

1

0

0

Wow, everyone's said this already, but I can't believe there are so many other moms out there feeling the same things -- I thought it was just me and that I was more than a little nuts. My 15 y/o daughter's BF broke up with her last night after almost a year and a half. Yes, they were 13 & in middle school when they started dating; yes, they were very young ... but it was still the sweetest, most beautiful first love you could want for your child.I knew this would probably happen eventually but I really thought they'd date through high school and then split up before they left for college. They were good friends in middle school & eventually became more than that, merging two groups of friends along the way. They've been the Perfect Couple among their friends; his mother & extended family adore her, & even his dad has come around; my husband & I enjoy the young man and having him around. Most of all, from what I've seen and what she and others have told me, they really were kind and loving and good together. He'd been traveling for a month and last night was going to be the first time they'd seen each other since he got back, and she said she knew (given that they'd been struggling with some things recently, which I suspected but didn't know for sure till she told me after the fact) when he changed their plans from "let's go out to dinner" to "let's meet for coffee and a walk" that this was probably it. Part of me feels worse because I'm away on business until next weekend so I can't even be there for/with her, but I also know that even if I were there, I couldn't make it hurt less for her, and if I wasn't able to hide how much I'm hurting from her, I might end up making her feel worse.
She's doing the right things, and I know she'll be OK. She said she didn't ask why during the breakup conversation because she probably didn't really want/need to know, and realized there was nothing he could say that would change things; she left fairly quickly because she didn't want to cry in the coffee shop, and while she said she *did* cry all the way home, she immediately called her oldest girlfriend when she got in and asked her to come over, and said her friend was awesome about it. Since then, she's been eating Chinese takeout and gorging on comedy & action movies with her dad. (She & my husband have always had a wonderfully close relationship, even before I started traveling for work, for which I'm very grateful.) Meanwhile, I'm halfway across the country and feel like I'm falling apart. I keep bursting into tears throughout the day; I couldn't sleep last night for thinking about it. My 2 closest girlfriends have much younger kids and wouldn't quite get it; while I know they'd listen compassionately if I called them, I also feel like I've been so gushy about how beautiful it's been watching my child fall in love for the first time, and I'm a little worried that if I called & poured my heart out to one of them, it'd be confirmation of one of those little things you always disagree with about how your friends live their lives, but mostly agree to disagree with/keep your mouth closed about (specifically, my having an only child and a travel-based job, though the details get more complicated). Ironically, the one person I know would get it is the one person I can't call; I've become friends with the now-former boyfriend's mother over the past 18 months or so, and we've talked a lot about the joys and concerns of young teens having a fairly serious romance ... but I also feel like maybe part of the reason the relationship ended is that there was so much pressure from friends and family to be the perfect couple, to know your parents and grandparents approved, etc. I also don't know if she knows about the breakup yet (even if he's with her and not at his dad's house this weekend, he tends to be less forthcoming with info than my daughter), and it would seem awkward to commiserate with her about it. The first year of HS was a tough one for both of them and many other kids we know (it's a good school, but that comes with a lot of homework and pressure), but he's really started to come into his own and find his niche with a few particular activities, while my daughter is still struggling to get there; I don't know if he'll start dating someone else quickly, but I'm sure he'll have opportunities, and I'm certainly not ready to hear from his mom about his friendships with other girls when I know he & my daughter started out by becoming each other's closest friends.
I can try my best to keep her busy -- I think she knows it's for the best, though she's usually disinclined to do anything I suggest too enthusiastically -- but I wish I knew how to do the same for myself.

Sarah - posted on 07/21/2014

1

0

0

I am so glad I found this site. My daughter broke up with her boyfriend of over 2 years last week. They both recently graduated from high school. She is going to be leaving for college and he is staying home and going to school. He doesn't want her to leave because he was afraid she would be around other guys and he wouldn't get to see her as much. He wants her to stay in town and go to college. He really couldn't imagine her being gone from home for 4 years. He wanted to settle down and marry her before then. He is such a good guy, always wants to take care of her and never pressured her to have sex. She told him she was waiting and he waited too. Until a few months ago, he had always been an absolutely wonderful boyfriend. Since then, they argue all the time and he tells her she doesn't care about him like he does her. I read her text messages at times and found out that they were constantly fussing. I always told her it was up to her but I think I might've unintentionally convinced her to break up with him. I was just upset by some of the things he had said to her and I commented about them to her and I think maybe that's why she did it. She has been miserable and crying a lot. She won't text him because she says he won't compromise on anything and I'm sure he hasn't texted her because she broke up with him and he's embarrassed and hurt. We raised her to be a strong woman but sometimes I'm afraid we raised her too strong, like maybe she can't put herself in his shoes and understand his feelings. I know they love each other so much and I know they are both hurting a lot. I feel like I am mostly to blame. I have been almost physically sick over this. I constantly think about it. I have probably talked to her about it more than I ever should have but it's driving me crazy. I feel so responsible and I know they love each other so much. I don't want to feel this way. I feel like I shouldn't be so involved but I am just so sad over this. It's not that I want her to change her college plans or get married soon. That's not it at all. I just think, what if he's the one and I ruined her life? When I think about it, I just cry. I don't know if I should keep talking to her and convince her to text him. But then I think, what if he's moved on and don't want to get back together and I've just made it worse and hurt her more? Then I think what if they both want to be together but neither will contact the other? I know this boy is a great catch and my daughter is too. They both make good decisions and are really just two of a kind. I love the fact that she had found someone like her in those regards. I don't want him to go buck wild and do things he'd regret and then she could never forgive. She is such a one of a kind teenager and really is super close to us and wants to please us. I'm afraid this was all for me and not her. When I talk, I think she takes on my viewpoints. I wish I could go back and change what I did but I can't. I don't know what to do. Please give me some advice and encouragement.

Sharon - posted on 06/30/2014

2

0

0

Gina. You are not a nutcase mom. Lol. I've learned that since Finding this site this weekend. Thank heavens because I really didn't know what to do anymore. What I find soothing (I think) is that my therapist just went through something similar with her 17 year old son. So I guess we are not alone. It just stinks. As a mom you rationalize that we shouldn't be feeling like this. It's not normal. But beginning to believe it's more normal than we thought. That it is a real issue. What that says about us? I have no idea.
I too feel a sort of pain connection with my daughter. Our menstural cycles are almost to the day and I get mild cramps as well.

Tiffany - posted on 06/30/2014

1

0

0

I can relate to so many of these stories and am so happy to have found this website and realize that I am not alone. I wish there was a 12 step program for us moms out there! lol Has anyone had any success in overcoming their anxiety and obsession with their daughters relationship or perhaps sought a therapist that helped? Please let me know … any advice would be helpful. :)

Sharon - posted on 06/29/2014

2

0

0

So glad I found this site. Going through a similar situation with my daughter. She and her boyfriend are having difficulties. Who is an emotional wreck? Me. Can't seem to shake it either. They are both great kids and are taking a little space from each other. They aren't even broken up and I'm the one acting like a love sick teenager. I'm driving my daughter crazy. Thankfully she is a wonderful child and hasn't booted me out of her life yet. Rationally, I know what to do. Let them live their own lives. They will figure it out on their own and grow from this experience. Stay off social media. I'm obsessed with that one. Can't stay off. Although, I have curbed it today. Make no contact with the young man or his family. I get all that. It's just so hard to see her sad. I want to fix things and make it better. It hurts. Deep inside it hurts. Probably me more than her. THAT'S SAD! I've read the comments and appreciate what I've read. I'm glad I am not the only mom out there that has felt this way. I just wish there was a way to stop what I'm feeling and go on with my life and let my daughter go on with hers.

Jennifer - posted on 06/18/2014

14

0

3

To add to my first post; I find myself feeling sick to my stomach when she sends me texts about what she is upset about. Like if they are getting along I don't hear from her and I always think no news is good but then she will text me something he said or she is sad about and im like oh no.............its just been stressful because he graduated last month, went to the beach for senior week, she was very sad but survived. I even took her to visit him. But I just think he feels overwhelmed sometimes knowing he is going to leave and not sure how she is going to handle it. Even though he is staying in the same state it still will never be the same :(

Jennifer - posted on 06/18/2014

14

0

3

So glad I found this. I thought I was crazy becoming so involved but I cannot help it. My teen has not broke up yet but sometimes they have little arguments and I think he is stressed out because he leaves for College in August and he thinks she is having a hard time with it. She is totally in love with him and wants to be with him every day. He says and seems to love her but works and is very busy,etc. He just doesn't have the need to be with her 24/7 so that is mostly what they fight about. I dread what august is going to be like and I want to back off but it is so hard. I see how she looks at him. She is in total love with him, I mean just crazy about him. I just hate to see her sad but I don't know how to detach myself.

Liz - posted on 06/16/2014

2

0

0

That's where I am right now. On one hand I want to lash out at this young man and shake him or slap him in the face for hurting my little girl. (Shes 17) then on the other hand i want to sit him down and talk to him and explain the situation from a different perspective until he sees that his reasons are not logical... that he doesn't have to be unhappy and make my daughter unhappy because he's leaving (marines in august) but he has in his head that ending it now will be easier for them both. So he can focus in boot camp and she can focus on her senior year. On some level I get that and maybe even agree a little but seeing the sadness in my daughter's eyes where there used to be a sparkle is just destroying me. I just want her to feel better and see that she is worth more than the pain he's putting her through. And maybe I want to see him hurting too... which I believe he is...just hiding it better than she is.

Another - posted on 06/14/2014

4

0

0

So impressed that you could actually hug your daughter's ex. Perhaps it depends on the circumstances or that you are just so kind and forgiving. I oscillate between wanting to rant at him and wanting to sit him down and calmly explain where I think things went wrong and how he could have pulled things back, though I know he didn't want to. :(

Dianna - posted on 06/14/2014

9

0

0

I remember when my daughter was little, ..sitting in a group of moms, at a picnic. ..Feeling stunned to hear the mother of an older daughter describe how completely devastating it was for her when her daughters boyfriend broke up with her. I knew this mom and thought her to be very rational, and somewhat stoic. To see her, so completely undone. ...was startling. Honestly ,I had absolutely no understanding of what she was experiencing. ...but now. ...Some ten years later, ...I get it. We share holidays and birthdays, funerals and Proms with these young men, watch them adore our daughters, and really. ...we
love them. ...As if we'll get to ...keep them. ..lol! . So to speak
But, as is the case ..With young love, the time comes to say goodbye. ..and it is a loss. I have tears in my eyes as I write these words because I just hugged my daughter's ex boyfriend goodbye and made him promise. ..to, not be a stranger. This is the second break up. .for my daughter. ..She is 18..so this is a second boyfriend and I still miss the first. ..and now I will miss this one also.

Liz - posted on 05/30/2014

2

0

0

My 17 year old daughter and her boyfriend broke up again just last night. The first time was about two weeks ago and then last week he flaked out again saying he had to think about everything. He is 18 and is leaving for marine boot camp at the end of August and his first reason for ending the relationship now was so they had time to get over the break up...mainly him so he could be focused in boot camp. After 2 days he said he couldn't breath without her and he just wanted to be with her. The'flake out' from last week he said he thought he had changed and had to sort things out in his mind. After 2 days again he said he loved her and was so sorry. She told him to stop saying it and just hold onto her for as long as they had before he leaves and he said not to worry he would. They spent the afternoon together on Tuesday and had a good time and he promised to make time to see her this summer as he just started a job as a summer cop until he leaves. Things were good...holding hands and hugging her and kissing her. Fast forward to last night...he says its over. She asks why and he gives her a bunch of nonsense answers. Says he wants a carefree 'last' summer. But tells her its not easy for him to walk out of her life plus leave all of his friends in a few months. The last two weeks have been such a roller coaster ride for her emotionally and it is absolutely killing me that I can't do what Moms are supposed to do... make everything okay. I am very fond if this young man and his parents have told my daughter that they feel the same way about her and that they've never seen him smile so much ever since he met her...that she makes him happy and is good for him. My heart is breaking for her and for me. I feel like I was just dumped too!! I am very close to my daughter and have first hand knowledge of heartbreak so I know what she's feeling...and I am living it with her every step of the way. My husband thinks I've lost my mind for obsessing over our daughter's break up saying it was her relationship not mine. Problem is I don't disagree with him but my head just can't seem to get thru to my heart. I try to tell her and myself that when it happened to me at her age...I met my husband 3 months later and before that I had a blast reconnecting with my friends. I guess its still too raw right now. His mom said she almost called me last time to see what was happening since he was so obviously upset so I reached out to her and she didn't know yet. She wants to talk to me and is very upset and sorry. I'm glad to know my feelings are shared by other moms and that I am not twisted or sick for feeling so sad at the loss of this boy. Maybe his mom will be able to shed some light on the situation so my daughter... and I...can have some closure. Thanks for listening.

Vicki - posted on 05/20/2014

1

0

0

I can't begin to tell you how much it helped me to find this site and these posts. For the past three days I've been certain I was either going completely crazy or the worst helicopter parent on the planet or some combination of the two. My 17 year old daughter and her boyfriend of two years broke up three days ago and I feel like I'm struggling with the break up as much as she is. I have to fight the urge (not always successfully) to read her text messages and obsess over social media postings from both of them.

Things between them have been rocky on and off for the past couple months. He has a lot of stress at home, works full time, has a lot of pressure to get good grades and plays three sports. By contrast my daughter is getting ready to graduate and other than her core classes has pretty much had an easy senior year. She has complained off and on for the past couple weeks of feeling neglected. So on Friday she told him she wanted to talk, but because he was in the car with his family he couldn't talk and said he knew she just wanted to break up with him. She said she didn't want to break up, but was thinking a break might do them good. He was hurt and unhappy about it, but lost cell service before they could actually figure anything out. Over the weekend and while he was gone camping my daughter decided she didn't really want a break and wanted to try to work together to resolve their issues. She called to talk to him when he got back and long story short he's decided he does want the break. So here we are.... They've continued to text and their relationship status on FB hasn't changed, but in every other way they are "on a break."

Last night after she'd gone to bed she text me and asked me "if I thought they were going to get back together?". It broke my heart. I didn't know what to tell her and to be honest I'm not sure what I really think or even what I really hope happens. Not that it even matters. I don't want to give her false hope and keep her from moving on, but sometimes I do think this is just a break and they will get back together. But I don't even know what I'm basing that thought on and I worry because the truth is I do miss this kid being at the house. He was over so much because of his complicated family dynamics that he really became just another member of the family and I think we all grew to care about him. I just really wish there was a way to fast forward past all the heartache, hurt, insecurity and second guessing to the place where my daughter was happy and doing "okay" with or without him.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I've found some fantastic suggestions to help with my "craziness" and it's been so nice to find out that I'm not the only one out there who feels the way I do. I just wish there was a way to speed up the process and get my daughter (and myself) back to the land of emotional stability.

Another - posted on 05/12/2014

4

0

0

In desperation I googled for something to do with daughter's breakups and found this community. Thank God!!! I truly believed I was losing my mind and that I was really being weird. My daughter is just out of her teens and went out with her boyfriend for over 3 1/2 years – thru school and uni. Over time he seemed increasingly disloyal, told lies and it because obvious that she had become simply a familiar prop, a thing of convenience and essentially a trophy girlfriend. Over the years he had gained much from us, with presents, family outings, meals etc. I included him and believed that was the decent way to behave. However, we started getting signals that his mother was against the relationship and wanted her son to be free for other experiences. We tried to ignore it and hoped things would improve but inevitably the mother's disapproval had an affect. My daughter began to feel awkward and unwelcome at their house. She stopped being invited for meals or was hardly acknowledged when she went there and the lack of reciprocity started to rankle with us. The mother was increasingly encouraging her son to break up with my daughter and it seemed the idea grew in him and he began to care less and less. My daughter eventually couldn't take the negativity and the futility of it all and in a moment of strength said they should end, knowing that this is what he wanted. I think she secretly hoped that he would have the freedom he (and his mother) clearly wanted, mature, and then find each other again. However, she was shocked and saddened at how accurate she had been about his lack of feelings for her. He made absolutely NO attempt to get back with her. No email, flowers, or a desire to meet or speak to her. He went crazy partying. He would post cryptic nasty comments on social media that obviously related to her. He then took things to the extreme and started sleeping with a girl they have both known for years in the same friendship group. She has now become his girlfriend.

It is now many months after the initial split and it torments me so much. I keep analysing things over and over, worrying about my part in the split since I did point out his disloyalties and disapproved of his/his family’s behaviour at times. I wake at night wondering how a boy we cared for and welcomed into our home could wholeheartedly turn his back in an instant and with so little respect. My daughter has been pretty much cut off from the friendship group because he and this new girl somehow have the approval of the rest of the group and my daughter receives few invites to events. I think he has managed to twist his version of events such that she is the 'bad guy' and people just don’t care. I feel physically sick to think of my daughter having to confront social media evidence of the new relationship and worse still having to see them together as a couple in a bar or somewhere. There seems to be no escape. Indeed they are both pretty brazen in their new found love!
My husband can't understand why I am "obsessed" with it all. I am just so mortified that someone I cared for and believed once thoughtful and kind could turn so quickly and swap my daughter for someone else (presumably with the mother's approval this time) without a backwards glance. Considering his mother wanted him to be free it seems ironic that he is back in the same town and not only already in another relationship but with a girl from the same group!! I am distraught at my daughter's pain and as a parent I also feel foolish and used by him and his family. I am also distraught too, just as if it was my relationship, and this feels really weird and inexplicable. However, I take comfort in that it seems that I am not alone in feeling like this and may be I don't have to think I am weird after all. Thank you for having posted your experiences. If anyone has any words of comfort I would love to hear them as I worry my daughter (and I) will feel like this for years!.

Patricia - posted on 05/12/2014

70

1

16

Hi there:
I just read your post and get how you are feeling. As I said, my daughter, now 15, has had 3 boyfriends at school that I knew their parents, other family members and I trusted these boys because I knew their families. Now, because she was so young there was no car dating or one on one dating allowed, but they managed to snuggle at lunch, kiss here and there when they were out in school groups and connect mentally with lots of Skype calls and FaceTime calls - she enjoyed the friendships with these boys and got hurt when she inevitably broke up with all three of them because they were showing their selfish sides and she noticed it and got out before it hurt too much.
But I also thought "why didn't I test these guys more? Why was I ok with my young daughter "having a boyfriend"? What was wrong with me to allow her FaceTime calls, Skyping calls, hanging out with the boys at lunch at school, texting constantly, etc?
I think in the back of my mind I was also a little hurt when these selfish teenage boys started to pull away, post pictures of themselves kissing someone else that was just "a friend" and doing other hurtful teenage boy acts that only reminded me how my daughter needs to not be in any exclusive relationship until she is much older and can really know herself a lot better and be more mature in knowing what SHE needs from a young man. Believe me, young girls and young men are seldom ready to handle the emotional connection from an exclusive relationship and the inevitable breakup, and we parents feel their hurt and pain for months afterwards. Just be very aware for the "next time" - remind your girls about what happened the last time she put her young heart on the chopping block - not fun. And we mothers should NOT allow these young men to have the power to hurt our girls. Be very, very, very careful who you let into your homes and into your hearts, Moms. We need to be our daughter's gatekeepers and help them grow into strong, smart, independent women who should be focusing on grades, school and their own self worth. We need to be their support system and guide them on this rocky road called life. Good luck - be good to yourselves in the process.

Patricia - posted on 05/11/2014

70

1

16

Dear TeeDee:

Your last sentence says it all "why even date in high school?"
My daughter is 15 and looks 18 without makeup bc she is very tall and thin, and after 3 boyfriends at school, where they lunch together, hang out and go to Starbucks at break, go to school dances as a big group and post pictures of themselves together on Instagram, Kik and Facebook, and then eventually someone looks at someone else the wrong way, and bam, the breakup happens.
They are all waaaay too young and too busy with a tough
academic schedule to waste their precious time in these
immature relationships. All girls want is to say "I have a boyfriend" and all the boys generally want is someone cute to show off to their buddies and then brag about having sex with the girl, even when they haven't - the girls also are very brazen chasing boys, texting them, trying to pin them down to be "their boyfriend."
It's hurtful to their young hearts, both boys and girls.
Groups going to the movies, beach, school dances, plays,
sporting events is fun but once the one on one starts, parents --
sit them down and lay down the rules - grades come first,
after-school activities come next, family time, sleep, putting phones away by 9 PM - rules like that have really helped my family take back our lives so our kids don't live in a bubble of cell phone usage, computer postings of God knows what, and also running up to go to their rooms to hide out from their families and the people that truly love them. I vote for no serious teenage relationships bc it can really hurt their hearts permanently - be careful parents when you allow someone else into your home and your child's heart. It probably will end badly for both of them. I have seen it happen to sooooo many of my daughter's friends - sad but they are just too immature for adult-type relationships.
Good luck with your hormonal teens - ask them if you can read their text messages - you will find out what is REALLY going on in their lives. If you are paying the bill, you have every right to know what and who is going on with them.

Joan - posted on 05/10/2014

1

0

0

TESTIMONY
i was looking for a child for good 39 years…he has been to so many places and yet no issue….one very good dey i meet a friend of mine in france and i told him what

i am facing through,,that i have money but no children….and the friend told me of is brother who has been sick for years, that they went to one DR.Olowoni. and this

doctor gave him somethings and he ask him to go and be applying it and forgive who so ever that has offended him…..after 2weeks the brother was totally heal….i was

imprest of the testimony and i went ahead to contact the dr.olowoni.HE gave me annionting oil to be using anytime i want to make love with my wife and after a month my

wife became pregnant….this doctor is real….am proud to be a father of 3 children now…contact this doctor on olowonispearcaster@gmail.com.for those who are also having

this same issue….

(1)If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3)You want to be promoted in your office.
(4)You want women/men to run after you.
(5)If you want a child.
(6)[You want to be rich.you are pushing of drugs
(7)You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8)If you need financial assistance.
(9)Herbal care
(10) if you want to cure your hiv aids
(11) if you are sick of cancer he can help you cure it
Contact him today on: olowonispearcaster@gmail.com

thanks mrs Joan parker

Del - posted on 05/07/2014

1

0

0

After reading all the posts, I have decided that I am not crazy after all. Other moms are actually going through the same thing I am. My daughter dated her boyfriend for almost 2 years and then bam, he broke up with her right before prom and his high school graduation. It has been almost a month now since the breakup andI I still hear her crying every night. She doesn't have an appetite, she can't sleep, she is constantly checking social media for his posts, and as much as I try to encourage her to get rid of his memories in her room, she can't. Worst part, he has been hanging around with one of her good friends. Nothing I say is helping so I pray and pray everyday. The thing is, I couldn't understand why I was feeling the breakup right along with her. Her pain has been my pain to the point where I can't even look at her ex boyfriend in the face. I feel betrayed because he spent so much time at my house, always with us, and he constantly told me how much he loved my daughter. Go figure, I actually miss the kid. I am hopeful though that once he graduates, things will get better. Peace!

TeeDee - posted on 04/29/2014

9

0

2

This is not my first post here. I am so tired of dealing with my daughter and her boyfriend's breakups and reconciliations. She is doing the breaking up at this time, and he is pursuing, but when they are on good terms, it's not even good! They both are so stubborn, and hard headed, vindictive and harsh. Kids these days use such harsh language; as a teen I'd have been crushed with the language they use. My daughter has eaten very little in 3 days, and they've signed a lease together on an apartment for a year beginning in June for her first year and his second year of college, so there is a financial obligation they are tied to. I believe she's been asking him to get another roommate, .... I know that they love each other, they just don't know how to act.

And as an aside, but a big part of this latest breakup. I have been so respectful to this boy, treated him like a son, love him like a son. Not so for his mother concerning my daughter; Saturday she visited at his house at his insistence with his family and as soon as she walks in the door, his mother says, "what's wrong with your face?!" She tried to tell his mother, well, her makeup is done as it usually is, and the woman kept badgering her then finally, rolled her eyes and looked away. This behavior of belittling my daughter has been getting more frequent, and the boy just said it's his mother's job to give her a hard time. Hard time doesn't even describe it! She is rude and mean and harsh! I told my daughter that it is not her; my daughter doesn't even respond rudely, she tries to remain polite after all the woman is an adult! Told my daughter that his mother is competing for his attention with his girlfriend, and it seems lately, that my daughter is not winning this battle. He will be so ugly about things like this telling her she takes things wrong, or she's crazy, instead of comforting her pain from his mother's insults.

I just don't know. I hope they either figure this out, or are done with it very soon. I have a bit of baggage myself from high school / college relationships, I don't wish it on anyone. Why even date in high school.

Donna - posted on 03/22/2014

13

0

1

You are not in least bit nuts! You r a mother and from what it sounds like an excellent one. I always feel my sons pain even though he's 19 and has been making our lives hell. I love him unconditionally. If he was a serial killer I would still bust him and love him. That's a mothers bond. It's like no other. Only those of us who have carried this other human bring inside of us for 9 months can relate. Well most of us anyway. You seem very intelligent and understanding. You r absolutely right on everything you said about her boyfriend and why he's doing what he's doing. Your daughter will live through this. Hurt and struggles r what build character. Tell her this is in no way her last love. There will be plenty. She will probably break hearts too along the way. Just keep telling her she's a beautiful person inside and out with so much to offer the world and so many wonderful experiences ahead of her. Hold her when she cries. Which I'm sure you already do. You were probably close to this young man also and any kind of loss we experience is sad. I cried too when my son and his girlfriend first broke up. She was like a daughter to me. Well they've gotten back together and broken up a few times since then and now their back on. I always miss her when she's not around though. The mom goes through the breakup too. Anyway keep a close eye on her. Make sure not falling into depression. But I believe with a mom like you she will be fine.

Colleen - posted on 03/19/2014

4

0

0

TeeDee

It was nice to read your response. I have a similar relationship. I think the reason your daughter isn't telling you as much is because she's probably embarrassed to have you know certain things. For example my daughters first love went to college too and it broke her heart to let him go. Last year he started to pursue her again and she was overjoyed. She would tell me some things and I could see happiness in her again. But it quickly became frustration and pain. After when she couldn't handle the pain she'd open up a bit. When they both decided to stop trying is when she went through a complete melt down. But she told me things that were hard for me to hear. After hearing facts about what was happening it was obvious to me (an adult) he was trying to manipulate her to give in sexually. When they stopped trying he was very honest and admitted he lies all the time to get what he wants from a girl. If he's in college trust me he's getting it. They are 100% selfish at this age. I don't want to go into too many details about it all. But I'd say to trust your daughter about this. Maybe it's a good thing for her to break it off and have some fun in college and find herself. If they are meant to be they will both have to do more growing up so they treat each other respect and dignity. Hugs to you as you try to be loving and supportive. I always tell myself she's the one I bore and my loyalty is to her and her ultimate happiness. And I pray a lot!! Good luck and hang in there. Sorry for typos I'm typing on phone and I'm horrible at it.

TeeDee - posted on 03/19/2014

9

0

2

I can relate so much to these posts. My daughter is dating for 2 1/2 years her first love, and my son dating again after a 3 year separation his first love. My daughter was crying around midnight Monday night, a couple nights ago, after such a beautiful weekend with her boyfriend when she was so happy, and I heard her say "WTF!" And then later "we ARE DONE." These things get my heart to racing, I hurt for them both, can't sleep. I know it's because I remember the devastation of losing my first love in high school/college. I hate to see them hurt that much; it was even worse pain for me than my eventual divorce from my 1st husband many years later. I have been very close to my daughter, where she would tell me just about everything; to now, where she says very little. I've been close to her boyfriend too, that's part of my problem, I just really love this boy. I think he being in college and her in high school, sometimes they just don't trust. If either has heard that either of them so much as spoke to another girl/guy, they overreact, freak out, break up once again. IT isn't usually even something tangible that happened wrong; like some girl "liked" one of his posts, and so my daughter gets angry, and vice versa, he will get angry if some guy who means nothing to my daughter "likes" her beautiful senior pictures on facebook. Even though these things in and of themselves aren't direct offenses to the other! I hate to see such a beautiful relationship destroyed over nonsense like that, because they seem so perfect. It's such a rollercoaster for me too! I love them both so much, but I hate this roller coaster ride. So prom tux was supposed to be ordered this Friday, and the boyfriend says well, she broke up with me, so I'm not going. But I'd asked her yesterday, and she said they were going to get it Friday. They were supposed to look for an apartment for college together next year on Saturday! Oh God, please help them to communicate better, and to know when something is just irritating to them as opposed to being something that should destroy the relationship. Peace Moms.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms