teenage daughter has developed unhealth relationship with someone she met online

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My 15yo daughter has become obcessed with a girl she met online while playing video game. The "girl" is supposed to be 17 & lives in MO, we live in MD. The reason why i said "girl" is because I'm not sure if it truly is a teenage female. My daughter's grades have suffered as she would be texting or sneaking on the computer instwad of studying or doing homework. I feel like she has lured my daughter in by claiming she had brain cancer last year & that her family & friends were not supportive during her hospitalization. Number 1 I am a nurse & some of things she told my daughter didn't add up. Additionally, I have a chronically ill child myself & know the toll that is involved when a family member especially a child is ill.

Apparently, the girl recently revealed to my daughter that she is gay & that she wanted to date her. Of course this came at a time directly after my daughter had confessed her feelings about a boy who she found already had a girlfriend. Of course I would never choose my child to be gay or bisexual but this isn't the issue. The issue is that they both proclaim they don't want to live if they can't be friends & my daughter said she wanted to hurt herself. This exploded into an argument because I discovered that my daughter had been texting throughout the school.day. this is not allowed & if my daughter would've been caught she would've been suspended as she's already had a warning. I questioned her about the texting, she lied which turned into an argument & eventually a physical fight. She cursed at me, pushed & attempted to strike me repeatedly. This had NEVER happened before. I did slap her a couple times during the scuffle which resulted in a bruised & swollen eye. I've never struck her before, she hasn't had a spanking since about 6. I feel horrible, that I hit her. I couldnt believe that she'd jump in my face, shove me & curse me like a crazy person. I would be just as upset if she behaved this way & it was a boy. I've tried to explain to her that the connection is unhealthy & why. She confessed that she doesn't like girls sexually but that she was scared she would lose the friendship with this person if she didn't agree to be her girlfriend. This really concerns me that she can.be so influenced & codependent please offer any advice u can. Thx in advance

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Renee - posted on 11/12/2012

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Kay, be the wiser! You should install a key logger software. I did and was shocked at what my daughter really knew about this person and was talking about to them. They are very good at hiding information that would jeopardize their relationship with this person who they believe they can't live without. My daughter goes to a therapist every week because of a simlar incident and I had no idea that she had relationships with other men. She does. This all just came to light.



The key logger program works in the background, they cannot see it but you can check it and see all that she is typing. Better to get a program that captures passwords too, so you can get into their facebook/yahoo accounts and see what is going on there. (I used AOBO Keylogger) If there are just harmless discussions fine but you don't want to be in the dark. She won't tell you the truth!!



Kids wil deceive you because they feel this is someone who cares about them and don't think your child "knows" better. It's not true! They could be talking to you one way and doing something so off the wall behind your back. It's not that they are evil but that they are conflicted inside. There is a struggle. I see it in my daughter. She talks about doing good things then she feels really bad about herself and says she doesn't want to do them. She also talks to these predators in a way that shows them how bad she feels about herself, how desperate she is and how afraid she is of losing them. It's like a sickness.



I have just taken my daughter's iPod when I learned about this because I know she was skyping. She is kind of a compulsive person and has eating disorder problems as well. I am working with her counselor trying to get her into an eating disorder program. She refuses to go. I also got help from an organization in NJ called Circle of Care. They have assigned a mentor to her because I feel that once per week counseling is not enough. She needs someone to talk to when these things happen during the week.



Don't wait until it's too late and she meets the pervert. My daughter did and I was devestated to find out that she had sex with him 3 times. She was not in the relationship for sex, but didn't want the acceptance she got from the relationship to end. After I found out, we went to the police. She needed to be tested for pregnancy and diseases all of which were negative, thank God. and thank God that she is still alive and not dead. He is a 30 year old married man with two kids and he drove 8 hours to meet her on the dirt road next to our home at 3 am in the morning.



My daughter has never been disobedient or rebellious and would talk to me about looking forward to having a nice romance with a boy her age when she got into high school which was only months away. She talked to me about how she wanted to keep herself pure and not have sex before marriage, she talked about wanting to start a Christian group in high school. She was not just pulling my chain but seeking me out to talk about these things while I cooked dinner at night. She wants to do good but her intense feeling of low self worth was driving her to do these other things. It's really scary to me.



I hope you find her help. Do not give up looking for help and do not brush this under the rug. This needs your full attention. You need to protect your child. When the police got involved they took her computer and then I found out that he had given her an android phone so that she could get his texts & pics. Disgusting. They had all the evidence they needed from that. I couldn't beleive that she came forward with the phone because no one knew about it but her. She wanted it to end but just didn't know how. This man has been in jail since June when he was arrested and in December he will be sentenced to 5 years, lifetime parole & under Megan's law from NJ. He probably will serve less than 2 years in the state prison. It is not enough but I am glad that he is caught and being punished. I was told that if this would have happened in NY instead of NJ, he would have just got parole. I would have been sick. The laws don't do enough. There is NO rehabilitation for sexual predators. They will remain that way the rest of their lives.

Louise - posted on 05/26/2012

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This is an unhealthy connection take her phone and shut down her access to the internet. If she really wants to be friends they can write!

Or the other way is to let them skype and then you can see for yourself that it is a girl and not a man and you can view what is going on. This is not normal for a 15 year old to be so drawn in by another girl so far away. If she insists the relationship has to go ahead then this is what I would suggest. Skype so you can hear what is being said and can be reassured who she is talking to. Then cut her text allowance right back so that she does not have free reign all day to text. Also limit her computer access to an hour and not before study is done.

You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes, she will not appreciate any of this so maybe councelling as well to help her work through, why she needs this relationship in her life.

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Lyndsie - posted on 05/14/2013

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I know I'm not a mom im a teen myself but my friend always makes bad decisions. She met this girl named Jess on instagram and now she's apparently "in love" and she tells me she is bisexual now. At first it didn't bother me but now its always poor jess this and that its annoying and uncomfortable

Kristi - posted on 05/31/2012

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Thank you Heidi! I am going to look into that before she goes back to school this fall. And maybe being up front about it would be the best. If I explain to her that it is only for her protection and show her I'm not going to "spy" on her all the time she will be happy to have it as a safety net as well. I would also feel much better about it because I don't condone lying. Not that I'd be lying so much as keeping a secret but my daughter & I are pretty close and I'd hate to blow that! Thanks again! I really appreciate you sharing & your advice.

Heidi - posted on 05/31/2012

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go on spectorsoft.com for help to buy the program. We installed it following an unsafe situation - we gave her the option of not having a phone or computer access, or installing this program. We get notices as often as we choose each day but we only usually comment about the access or talk about what we read once every couple of weeks or less because we know its such a rare privilege to have that kind of access to our child's life. We don't want our relationship to be in constant tension. This works for us.
I think you probably can install it without them knowing but only if you never refer to it!

She has been able to make the program work for her - if a guy is being rude or asking her to send a pic or sext, etc. or someone is bullying her, threatening, whatever, she just says 'my mom can read this' and its amazing how fast they apologize and fall back in line as though you were in the room.

Kristi - posted on 05/31/2012

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@ Hiedi- I have never heard of the program you mention about automatically receiving a copy of texts, etc copied to you. Where do you get it and can it be installed without my daughter's knowledge? I trust her completely but I do worry about her safety and her father is not allowed to have contact with her unless I say it's ok. I don't want to scare her or make her think I don't trust her.

I'd also like to throw in there to be present & within ear shot of the Skyping at all times. Predators will sometimes do whatever necessary to obtain his goal, including using another girl pose for him. You have to stand strong and be vigilant. As all these moms have said, your daughter will thank you one day.

Heidi - posted on 05/31/2012

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My advice would be to calmly tell your daughter that your main concern is that this teenage girl is not who she says she is, and that you are not against the relationship IF she really is a peer and it doesn't interfere with her education or your relationship with each other. I would invite this girl for a visit, even pay for it, and see if she bites. Or, if finances don't make this condusive, tell your daughter you'd feel so much better if you could 'meet' this girl on skype, which is free. If this girl refuses then you need to drop the hammer or whatever the term is and say that it is proof she is not who she says she is, and that your daughter can no longer speak with her. I also agree if she refuses to meet via skype or in person that you should involve the police next. Your daughter may not understand that right now but she will thank you later.
Consider that your daughter really does believe this other girl and so work with that - she probably would be happy to prove it so you'll leave her alone about it!

There are programs you can buy that will send you every single text or BBM or picture coming from your child's computer or phone. I have such a program for my daughter who has an invisible brain based disability and who is far too gullible. I use it sparingly - for example, if there is a lot of swearing, I don't say a word. I save up my concern for anything relating to her safety only, and the rest of the time I let the other things I might learn from these communcations slide. The program we have costs around 70 per year - well worth it.
Good luck.

Kristi - posted on 05/31/2012

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That is an excellent suggestion, Cindy! You can't be to safe when it comes to your kids.

Cindy - posted on 05/30/2012

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Follow your instincts! This sounds like a dangerous relationship. The young woman in this article, Alicia Kozakiewicz, was abducted by a man she met online who pretended to be a girl her own age spoke at my son's middle school. If I were you I might even go so far as to contact the local police and see if they have an internet predator program and could trace this "girl" your daughter is obsessed with. http://www.people.com/people/archive/art...,,20061919,00.html

Kristi - posted on 05/25/2012

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Kay-I feel for you and I agree with Kristin about therapy and cutting off communication. I think your hunch about this person not being a teenage girl is probably right. Based on what you have shared here, it sounds like someone "grooming" your daughter for his maybe her needs, if you will. I have struggled with obsessive-like behavior when it came to the men in my life. I didn't think I could live with out them. (one at a time of course :)) When I was your daughter's age I kept my feelings bottled up so my family was unware how intense I felt when my first boyfriend broke up with me. I did start cutting. I also had boyfriends, that sound a lot like this person, who manipulated me into doing things I never thought I would because I couldn't bear the thought of losing them. In my world it was all or nothing. No in between. I don't know if your daughter is like that or not. I had low self esteem and was prone to intense mood swings and I also became very impulsive. Again, I don't know if any of this applies to your daughter but the other behaviors you have described were very similiar to what I used to feel like and if any of these other things I mentioned are familiar to you, I might have some suggestions and maybe some hope. But I don't want to go on and on about something that may be totally irrelevant either. So, if you want to hear more, just reply to me and I will be happy to share. Either way, professional help is a must. She is a step ahead of the game having you aware of the situation before it gets way out of control or before she hurts herself or worse. As hard as this is, remember she does love you no matter how many times she tells you she doesn't. More than likely she lashes out at you because she feels safe with you and trusts that you are the one person that will never leave her no matter what. If you choose to cut her of from this person, have your ducks in row first. Be ready for her anger and her overwhelming sense of loss and a melt down because she doesn't know what to do next. She is going to need extra patience and understanding. She will need you to help her through the grieving process. Getting out of a relationship that you are obsessed with like she is, is similiar to getting an alcoholic to quit drinking. When it's over, it's over. You can't have a beer with dinner once in awhile or a quick phone call just to hi and see how "she's" doing. If you fall off the wagon, sadly, it is like starting at square one again. So cutting her off will be a big commitment on your part also. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix and no sure fire way through this. But she is your daughter and you love her with all you have. Nobody can stand as strong or fight as hard as a mother for her child. Please let me know if you think my story might be able to shed some light. All the best to you and your daughter.

Kristin - posted on 05/25/2012

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WOW that is crazy. I have a 15 year old son and he has friends of both sexes and is not obsessed with anyone. This seems to suggest to me that your daughter may be insecure and may not have a lot of friends. In this internet friend she has met someone she feels she can bond with who makes her feel better. Obsessions are never good and I would seek therapy righht away for your daughter and I would cut all contact wityh this internet friend. Expolain to your daughter (which I explained to my kids as well) is that you never ever know who you may be talking to on the internet, it may be a pedophile or a mass murderer or rapist or anything. My son is not allowed to give out any personal information to people he meets online and if he does I will take away his computer, internet cell phone all of it. I am thankful my 15 year old son is very logical and knows the dangers of online chatting. Fighting physically or verbally with your daughter will lead nowhere other than more rebellion. Sit her down and explain to her you love her and you are worried about he behavior and ffeelings towards this other person, than tell her you and her both will be going to therapy and make her go. Also, you may want to try calling this friend yourself and asking to set a meting up where you all meet face to face in the middle somewhere, if this person is telling the truth they wil not have a problem speaking to you. I have met all my sons's friends and their parents. WHat scares me for you is her anger and the physical hitting, Where i live there was a young 12 year girl who got involved with a 25 year old man and she was angry and obsessive with her parents when thye tried to end the relationship this story had a very tragic ending and the girl and her bf ended up murdering the girls mother, father and 8 year old brother. I always keep this in the back of my head when dealing with my kids and thats why i strongly suggest you seek therapy for you and your daughter. Also do a drug test on your daughter, I did one on my son when he was getting angry and found out he was smoking pot. We both went to therapy to sdeal with his Pot addiction amd his anger, and he is way more communicative with me and happier with himself. It is never easy with teens buit i wish you the best of lick and hopes this helps a little buit

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