teenage daughter with attitude

Pam - posted on 01/25/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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has anyone got any ideas how to cope with a 17 year old girl with an attitude problem,who thinks she is the only one around,and is very self centered and fights like hell with her little brother of seven,years,

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Kelly - posted on 01/28/2009

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Pam,  



I feel for ya - I have been there and back again.  I have a 18 year old and have gotten to the point with her that now I just don't care.  Legally she is an adult (now shes getting exactly what she has wanted all along - to be treated like an adult) and she is finding out (the hard way) that its not so easy to be an adult.  She is now responsible for herself - she is still in high school,  so my husband and I  help her with things to a point, but if she misses deadlines, screws up her grades...it's her problem, because 1 month after graduation she is out of my house.  And she is well aware that she can leave at any time before that.  I know this may sound harsh, but when she was 17 she put our whole family in jeapordy - to where we could have lost everything, all because we wouldn't allow her to date this guy who was 20 years old (LOSER!!!!!) and we wanted her to start accepting responsibility for her actions.  Well.. like I said she put us all in jeapordy.  i have 2 younger kids, one 15 and one 5 that now take priority over her.



Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble...teenage girls are crazy and ya know what else?  They are  JERKS!!!!  I honestly think that there is something chemically wrong in their brains from the time they turn 12 til well into their 20's.  Here's some advice - pick your battles.  Set your boundries and stick to them.  Sometimes you need to treat her like she is treating you.  Focus on yourself and your son.  Do things with him that don't involve her.  Be nice about it with your daughter, don't be mean and vindictive , just don't include her.  Pretty soon, the light will click on in her brain and she will realize just how badly she was treating you and your son.  Also one other thing - let her school know whats going on at home.  Talk to her counselor and make them aware of what is going on with your daughter (your probably not the only one) and tell them that there are going to be some changes at home, that you are still quietly overseeing what she does, but that you are stepping back a little.  Your tired of the attitude and tired of the fighting and that you are just going to let her do things on her own.  



Hopefully this was helpful.  Unfortunately, I had to learn this the hard way.   Good Luck with everything - hopefully you and your daughter will be able to resolve everything

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Shelly - posted on 01/30/2009

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Pam soon enough she will be 18 and no longer your responsability.  And you need to remind her of this...You need to quit doing everything for her no laundry no cooking no nothing when you sit down for dinner at night don't set her a place and when she has attitude about it just tell her that it's a family dinner and she just seem to want to be apart of te family so she needs to figure it out for herself.  When she starts complaining about not having clean clothes well tell her that you only do laundry for members of the family...Just turn it round on her if she doesn't want to act like a loving member of the family the you will treat her like a boarder...And when she turns 18 if your not up to kicking her out then you need to draw up a rental agreement and make herpay rent for her room, make her buy her own food, laundry soap shampoo, hair products treat her like the adult she thinks she is!!!



Good luck and let us know how it goes I will keep you and your family in my prayers

Melinda - posted on 01/28/2009

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Honey, I don't know what to tell you.  I have 4 girls ages 17, 13, 7 and 3.  I can say that the two teens act like what you have described.  The older one is worse than the 13yr old, but I can tell she won't be far behind.  I feel for you...I know your pain.  Only resolution I can find is wait for the time for her to go out into the real world and find out how fortunate she was at home.  I have tried everything I could think of and nothing seems to work.   She could be worse, but when she starts up, I'm ready to pinch her head off.  If I find some kind of solution, I'll be sure to let you know.

Pam - posted on 01/28/2009

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i would like to thank everyone for their contributions to my problem,i will of course try anything to make this situation liveable,i will keep everyone posted of any changes in this situation.thank you once again,pam,

Carol - posted on 01/28/2009

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My daughter is now 20 and I can see her slowly rejoinging the family and the human race.



I found that with attitude the best thing is to not engage. Don't respond to it. Use humor to diffuse potentially heated situations. I made the kitchen a "no fighting zone" and dubbed it "The Magic Kitchen." No cursing, no attitude, no fighting in the magic kitchen. They joke about it - but they mostly respect that idea.



It must be tough on the seven year old to have his older sister fight with him.  You've probably already talked to her about how he is just a little kid and she is setting an example, etc. I truly think that teenagers have hormonal imbalances that make them positively crazy. Certifiable, even. I tape recorded my daughter fighting with her little bro and she was clearly shocked at how awful she sounded.

Frankie - posted on 01/27/2009

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Well, my ironically 17 year old daughter has many of those very same issues. We have started counseling and she now prefers to spend the majority of her time with her Father. I still work on our relationship but understand that I cannot allow one person in the family to ruin the home. So, just stick out, work with her on things and let's hope a few years and maturity will work things out.

Lynn - posted on 01/27/2009

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She may just be seeking extra attention from you. Maybe if the two had just mother and daughter time alone it would helpl. But when you find the answer to this please let me know...I just speculating on what might work for you. Unfortunately, did not work for me.

Jana - posted on 01/27/2009

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I wish I could help. I have a 17 year old who lives in a different state with her dad. She is so hateful and demeaning to me. Her dad encourages it. The one thing I hear the most is that it is the age she is at and she will grow out of it. Its especially hard for me because she is my only child. The only time she contacts me is when she needs or wants something. I havent seen her since she was 14.

Jeana - posted on 01/27/2009

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Teen with attitude dont they all have them? I have a 14 yr old she likes to get her attitude going but I put my foot down. I ask her how would she like someone to talk to her in that way and I give her an attitude back. In the end she is upset but says sorry. I am lucky my four kids get along for the most part.

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I FOUND A WAY TO DEAL WITH THE ATTITUDE THAT REALLY WORKS..OUR FATHER USED TO DO IT TO US WE THOUGHT HE WAS CRAZY NOW I UNDERSTAND...WHEN THEY START YELLING TALK TO THE WALL.......SERIOUSLY THAT STOP AND LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU'VE FLIPPED YOU LID..YOU JUST NICELY EXPLAIN TO THE WALL WHAT YOU WANT DONE AND YOU MAKE SURE YOU SAY " NOW WALL DIDNT I JUST SAY FOR YOU TO DO......" AFTER 5 MINUTES OF THIS MY KIDS GO DO WHAT I WANT DONE JUST SO THEY DONT HAVE MOM IN THE MENTAL WARD. ALL THE WALLS IN OUR HOME HAVE BEEN IN TIME OUT, HAD SPANKINGS AND HAVE BEEN GROUNDED TILL THEY ARE 35.......AS FAR AS THE 17 YEAR OLD SWITCH PLACES FOR A DAY.YOUR THE KIDS SHES THE MOM,,AND MAKE HE DAY A LIVING HELL....ARGUE WITH HER ABOUT THE CLOTHES YOUR WEARING DEMANDING YOU WANT NEW ONES RIGHT NOW, ANYTHING SHE COOKS HATE IT AND REFUSE TO EAT,,,BASICALLY DO TO HER WHAT SHE DOES TO YOU AND IF POSSIBLE IN PUBLIC...WORKS GREAT

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Whew, that sounds stressful. Self-centeredness is very normal for a teenager, sibling rivalry is common, too. Are you paying a lot of attention to the sibling rivalry? That could feed the problem. My kids are 19 and 16, we have had out shares of sibling rivalry...my motto: I tell them that I trust they will resolve whatever problem they have on their own. Not getting involved works pretty good. When you say "fights" do you mean verbally or also physically?

Roberta - posted on 01/25/2009

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I have a boy 15 with this problem although it is getting better but it was tough for a while he would cuss at us and tell us he hated us! The more we did for him the worse he treated us so that became the key, I did nothing for him. Believe me it broke my heart a couple times to tell him no but it got the point accross to him, a good example was he had come in from shoveling snow and said his back hurt would I put some "Icy hot" on it~ I looked him dead in the eye and said NO! Ask someone you like and treat better, I then had to hide cause I wanted to cry I felt Like I had let him down, but a day or two later he came and told me he was sorry for what he said and for acting liek a jerk. He still has his moments but you have to stand up to them! It is not our job to be there friend it is our job to be there parents!

Tricia - posted on 01/25/2009

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Pam,



I wish I can share some advise with you, for I am looking for some myself. My daughter is 14 and think s she knows the best in everything. She sometimes have an attitude for every little thing. So please share any advise or tip you may receive. 



 



Thanks,



 



Tricia

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