Teenage daughter with no respect for me.

Brenda - posted on 08/11/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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Hi, my name is Brenda, and I am new on this circle of moms thing. I have a 14 year old daughter who is hanging with the wrong crowd (my opinion of course) and she doesn't seem to care that her actions can/will have consequences. She is probably gonna get a visit from the sheriff tomorrow at school cuz her and a few friends are texting a girl and being threatening. When I talk to her about it, she smirks and doesn't seem to care. I told her that she could even get arrested if the police and school think that this is serious enough and warrants that kind of discipline. She said, "So, how long will they keep me a day, or week!" I just can't believe the lack of, shoot I don't even know what. Does anyone have any feedback on how I might talk, handle, approach, this with my daughter. I am almost at my wits end. I just don't know what to say or do to get her to understand this kind of behavior is WRONG! Thank you for your input and I look forward to hearing any suggestions.



Brenda

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Jenni - posted on 03/01/2011

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A similar situation happened with me and my daughter. Even tho' she felt that I had betrayed her at the time, I had the cops intervene and she went to jail for about a week. When she got out, she was like that was so cool, I met so and so. I got to sleep all day, they fed me 3 times a day and got to watch mtv all day. I asked if she wanted to go back? And her reply was, " No" I don't know what exactly happened in there, altho' I did have the Pastor go and talk to her. She is 17 now, is getting straight A's and we're looking at Colleges and Universities together. By the way, I am her biggest fan, I tell her I Love her every day and to have a nice day and to make the most of it. Even tho' sometimes she may be angry.

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Breann - posted on 08/26/2012

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Hi Brenda!



I was reading this post originally from 2009 and was wondering how things turned out?



Our family went through some hard times from mid 2009 when my daughter turned 12 she started hanging around some questionable people (the popular group) when her behavior made a 180 degree change. She instantly went from a genuine, sweet and caring person to the opposite with no respect or care for family or friends. She was younger, so there were no drugs or anything in the pictures, she just instantly wanted to grow up, be free and became seriously disrespectful and mean in an instant. I still cherish the memories of the person she once was and feel as though I lost her in some ways.



We went through over a year of counseling outside and within the school, and things were grimm up until the end of 2011 when my husband made the announcement that he was going to have to move out because he couldn't take it any longer, the arguing, the issues, the disrespect, the lies, problems etc... as he couldn't focus on work and we were losing our grip on the business over our issues with her at home.



We then explained to her that she would have to be sent away in the summer if she didn't make some changes in herself, her attitude, her life and ours. It didn't seem as though she cared at the time, but because she is an athlete and had changed her group of friends, now having better friends but still stuck in the rut, with them it seems as though she thought about things and ended her rampage around Jan of 2012 and it has so far been much better. Her grades and attitude improved greatly and she stayed active throughout summer with family and friends and the outlook seems to be getting better, although she is still not the same person she once was, I am hoping with time, age and maturity along with love, she will continue to find her way back.



I am told that it's age, and they all express and go through things differently and at different times. It has to do with many factors such as self esteem, family and maturity, etc...



My other older child NEVER experienced any change and has always remained genuine and appreciative so each child is different.



Hope all is well.

Karen - posted on 05/01/2012

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Teens who are disrespectful should be in after-school programs to teach them respect and self-discipline. After-school programs are specifically designed for teens who are disrespectful, into drugs or alcohol, or hanging out with the wrong crowd.



Teaching teenagers to be respectful is very important. It takes time, effort, and a lot of patience, but it’s also the kind of lesson that will help them live at peace with the people around them as well as with themselves. I found this page useful for parents with disrespectful teenagers.

Lisa - posted on 03/02/2011

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Thanks Jaydee :) Yah, the "teen stage" has definitely been the hardest! My 15 year old daughter is taller and stronger than I am and can be extremely persistent :/ Heck with a manual, I need a live-in coach! ha ha Be strong! and a little wine at night really helps too :)

Jaydee - posted on 03/02/2011

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Hey there ~ Lisa is right on. Hit 'em where they'll pay attention and ground them from the things that are "important". Tough love and consistency with strong deliverance (and words of love and encouragement at the same time )needs to be used. Scheduling more family dates and time is really key and visiting with her school administrator/counselor/teachers is also important. At one time my parents had to do this with me ~ honestly, I 'hated' them for awhile. But then, it slowly made sense and I thanked them for what they did a couple years after it happened. Stay strong ~ be gentle but firm. And, always remind them how much you love her. Good luck!

Lisa - posted on 03/02/2011

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When it comes to actual punishment, do what Dr. Phil says and go directly for what they "value". Whether it's their cell phone, computer, ipod, freedom (going out every weekend night) whatever they are into. It may take a while to figure it out cuz they'll say, "fine I don't care" with that snotty attitude, but eventually you'll find something to get their attention. Good luck & stay strong and positive. She will outgrow this phase :)

Angela - posted on 03/01/2011

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THIS IS A HARD ONE...WHERE IS HER MOTHER, FATHER.. AS A STEP MUM I THINK THEY MUM AND DAD SHOULD BE TAKING THE LEAD. I DEAL WITH MY TEEN, HE DEALS WITH HIS, THIS ENSURES WE DO NOT ARGUR OVER THEM. IT IS GREAT THAT YOU SEEM TO BE TAKING MORE OF AN INTEREST IN HER THAN HER OWN PARENTS, AND I APPLAUD YOU FOR THAT. HOPEFULLY SHE WILL OUT GROW THE CROWD SHE IS WITH. MAYBE IT IS AN ATTENTION THING, AND UNTIL SHE GETS THE ATTENTION SHE IS AFTER SHE WILL NOT GIVE UP...OTHER THAN THAT PEER PRESSURE OF HER FRIENDS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN PARENTS ATTEMPTS, SO I AM AFRAID IT IS JUST A WAITING GAME.

Deepti - posted on 02/28/2011

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hi 14 is a critical age and need to be handled with care.ur daughter needs ur attention... find other ways... may be a family get togather, meeting with grand parents can help her understand the imp of family and mother...make ur family members participate.. also take her for outings and make her choose for her dresses and house hold items... she wants attention and importance whichu need to give... appreciate her for any gud work she does..speak about beauty of life and wat one can make out of it with right efforts... inspire her for her studies and career.. that way she might get focused and serious about her life.
also get in touch with her friends and their family and try to locate the problem.. working togather with other parents and the school may help.
for more help go to:http://perspectiveofdeepti.blogspot.com/...

Roz - posted on 08/13/2009

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Julia is right on. I used to get mad when my daughter would say "I don't care" and tell her that is the problem. But I realize now it is just their way to save face when they are scared - like when they have done something wrong and know it. Your daughter is feeling out of control and she is aware of that - she knows what she is doing is wrong. She needs you to be the fall guy though to save face with her friends. She needs you to tell her calmly but firmly that this behavior is wrong and unacceptable and that you love her too much to let her go to jail or to hurt someone else. It is quite possible that she did listen to you but doesn't want you to know that. She will tell her friends that my mom is being a bitch and I can't do this. Sometimes - all we can do is let them know where we stand and hope they are listening. You could take her cell phone away too but that generally is going to create a whole new problem. I have never layed a hand on my daughter to discipline nor have I ever taken anything away from her though I have made the mistake of trying to! My daughter is 13 and is a really good kid and has a good head on her shoulders.

Julia - posted on 08/12/2009

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Brenda, the absolutely most helpful book I have ever read is "Yes, your Teen is Crazy!" by Michael Bradley. He is a child psychologist who has turned around really hard cases. 14 is also the worst age. It could be that she is doing this to get your attention and see what you will do. Quietly and firmly, without yelling or waving hands, state your position in a short sentence using "I" language, then ask what she thinks. Be prepared for backtalk like "I don't care what they do to me." She really does care but is afraid to tell you how scared she is, because somehow then it is like you "win."

Just read the book--I bet you will get a lot out of it!

Brenda - posted on 08/12/2009

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Thank you Karen, yes, I do go to church and that is a whole other issue between her and I. She told me last week she doesn't believe in God, I was floored. She says I am forcing her into religion when I am not. She used to love to go to church, but know it is a power struggle.

Karen - posted on 08/12/2009

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Do you attend church? Get her in a youth group! She seems to be in a circle of debilitating friends. You may need to put her in another school to get her away from these bad influences. Once a child knows he/she can be disrespectful to you, it is hard to stop it. You may need to get counseling or do some kind of intervention with her. Good Luck!

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