teenage girls and dating older boys

Fawn - posted on 01/27/2013

I don't get it...WHY do so many parents think it is acceptable for their young teenage daughters to be in ANY kind of relationship? Girls barely know anything about life at this age and to allow a teenage boy with raging hormones access to your daughter?

If he is already sexually active, WHY would you want to risk the possibility of your own daughter becoming pregnant?

I guess i am just too old fashioned.

Michelle - posted on 01/25/2013

It is illegal for a 16 year old to have sex with a 13 year old. Put a restraining order on him.

Eronne - posted on 10/26/2012

I had and enforced a one year rule for my daughter and it paid off in spades. I literally interviewed and occasionally asked for ID from any young man who wanted to take my daughter out. I'm stealing this quote from another young friend of mine' When an 17 year old guy wants to date a 13 year old girl, he's having a problem with terminology. He's not dating, he's babysitting. When your daughter is 23 she can date someone 3 years her senior, not when she's 13. Hang on to her innocence as long as you can. Once its gone, it doesn't come back.

Albertasare - posted on 10/26/2012

i love u all

Narkeshae - posted on 06/27/2012

]First of all, you shouldn't have to set rules or boundries for a 13 year old. The young man is to old for her. She has her whole life ahead of her. She isn't grown, so you shouldn't let her be the adult in this situation. You are the parent and you make the rules

Sherri - posted on 06/27/2012

Well my daughter is 13 and is built like she is at least 16. She is very mature in decision making but she likes a boy who is 17. He likes her too, and this is very hard for me because he is a nice boy. I am new to the dating scene as well and I am not sure what to do. She is not allowed to go anywhere with any boy they all hang out in a group in my yard, with me there, she is not allowed to ride in cars until she is 16. She is not allowed to go anywhere by herself either. SHe has a cousin who is 16 that lives with us and I must say that my daughter is more mature then she is. Neither one of them have ever had sex, nor are they ready to have sex, but the boy she likes has had sex. As a matter of fact it was with my daughters best friend who is 15. But the best friend has had sex with several boys not just him. I am very confused on what to do.

User - posted on 05/12/2012

Are you crazy!!!!. How could you let your 13 child date a 16 year old. You better be careful! Because at 16 he could be accused of rape!

Wendy - posted on 05/10/2012

Honestly I believe its not our choice anymore. Society is horrible for this generation. Alot of the kids are doing it and all of them talk about it. I have been open and honest about everything when my daughter has asked questions. She is 15 and has an 18 year old boyfriend and Im sure he has had relations. I know that I cant stop it, its gonna happen wether we like it or not. I have decided to sit them both down and talk to them about the consequences of being irresponsible when it comes to sex. Birth control and knowledge is the best thing for teenagers. Let her know that you're there and you're not the enemy.

JuLeah - posted on 06/12/2011

Why is a 13 yr old dating? She is not unsupervised with him.
Why does she want to be dating? Is it about him, or does she feel she needs a bf and her friend think this is cool?

Natalie - posted on 06/12/2011

I have a 13 year old daughter and dating would not be allowed especially with a 16 year old. Your daughter may be smart and responsible but I just don't think the maturity level is there. Her boyfriend has already had sex at his age and I don't see most kids abstain from this once they have started. If he would express feelings of love to her do you think she is mature enough to not do things to show him that she loves him. I think you are asking for trouble coming your way and a reputation at her age that may go with it. For one thing girls that age are wicked when it comes to other girls stepping on territory with boys they may like and a 13 year old dating a 16 year old is one instance for those other 16 year old girls to start untrue rumors. I think dating should wait till high school and only in groups that 1st year. Be careful with what you allow because you don't want to regret something that you have allowed to start and everything that comes along with it now and in future years because you can't take it back . I have 2 girls myself and have seen things that teenage girls can stir up and make up and their opinions don't change once rumors are started.

SHAMILLAH - posted on 10/07/2010

WOW I HAVE A 12YR AND I TOLD HER SHE CANT DATE UNTIL SHE IS 16YR OLD AND IF SHE WAS 13YR OLD AND DATING A 16YR WHO IS ALREADY HAVEING SEX IT WOULD BE MORE THAN RULES AND BOUNDRIES

Sheila - posted on 10/07/2010

A 13 year old girl IMO shouldn't be dating at all, much less seeing a 16 year old boy (who has already gotten another girl pregnant!!!). I would allow her to go out with groups of friends but NOT with this boy alone! I would also have a serious talk with her about pregnancy and STD's and let her know just how important it is to her health and future to be educated!

Louise - posted on 09/12/2010

You are in a tricky situation here as you have already allowed the dating to begin now you are stuck with damage limitation. If this lad is already sexually active he is not going to settle for a peck on the cheek. My advice is get your daughter invloved in something else and fast. For example horse riding or a sport that gets her out of the house and away from him. If you can take a holiday and put some distance between them. This is a dangerous situation so talk to your daughter about statutory rape and the importance of saying NO. If you go in heavy handed now and forbid her seeing him you will just push them together so kep your fingers crossed that she tires of him and the relationship fizzles out.

Lenisa - posted on 09/11/2010

So, Ummm, What,,, YOU Want to be a Grandma or something...What is wrong with you...Why would you chance it...You already know he is sexually active...You think that he will stop just because you trust him???? My Goodness, it is up to you to protect your daughter...She may be in love but you have that final say so.....

Tammy - posted on 09/27/2009

Tough situation. We instilled in my daughter when she was 10 or 11 that she could not date until she was 16. I tried very hard to talk with her during the tween years about how spending time with girlfriends during the teen years is so much more fun. I discussed how much drama boyfriends bring into your life. I am happy to report that she did listen. It helped that she witnessed her friends' boyfriend dramas and said she was glad I had set the rules I did. She is now almost 18 and has her first boyfriend. We still do not allow them to be alone in our house and his parents follow that same rule at their house. She has become a very independent, strong young lady who learned to find herself rather than being defined by a boy during her teen years. I am so proud of her. The example I gave her back in the tween years was that I always thought I had to have a boyfriend in high school. So I spent my high school years with all the drama that comes with boys (jealousy, spending time with him instead of my friends, etc.). When I went to college, for the first time, I didn't have a boyfriend. My four years in college were the funnest time of my life. I hung with a group of about 6 girls and we had so much fun. I hate that I missed out on that kind of fun during high school. Good luck with your situation. Conversations and openess go along way.

Erin - posted on 09/27/2009

first of all just no. its not a good idia when i was 12 i dated a guy that was 14. and i got my heart crushed. and if their all around people that age shes going to learn a lot of things you dont want her too and shes going to be pressured to do things that shes not ready for. no no no just keep it from happening at the most 1 yr old but ont go over a year older its not god at all trust me i have experience in that area

Raquel - posted on 09/19/2009

What the Hell! lock all you doors. He had someone preggers already..? OMG! RUN!!! This is not even a question to ponder on. He is much to experienced in many ways. she's a little girl beginning to learn life. Nope, the answer for me would be NOPE! no boundaries set no chaparoning set, no nothing.

You can't be nice about it. do you want to be next and making decisions too early??

Marie - posted on 09/19/2009

dating is not a past time its to help a young "man" and "woman" determine if they want to get married to eah other. My son responded very well to a check list he found in a book entitled "Questions Young People ask, answers that work" Would He/She make a good husband/wife for me?Chapter3

Is This Person Right for Me?

Take a moment to complete the following quiz:

What qualities would you currently view as essential in a potential marriage mate? In the list below, put a ✔ next to the four traits you feel are most important.

□ Good-looking □ Spiritually-minded

□ Friendly □ Trustworthy

□ Popular □ Morally upright

□ Funny □ Goal-oriented

When you were younger, did you ever develop a crush on anyone? In the list above, put an × next to the one trait you found most appealing about that person at the time.

THERE’S nothing wrong with any of the above traits. Each of them has its own appeal. Wouldn’t you agree, though, that when you’re in the grip of a youthful crush, you tend to dwell on the more superficial qualities, such as those in the left-hand column?

As you mature, however, you begin using your powers of perception to examine deeper issues, such as those in the right-hand column. For instance, you start to realize that the cutest girl in the neighborhood may not be all that trustworthy or that the most popular boy in class may not be morally upright. If you’re past the bloom of youth, you most likely look beyond the superficial traits to answer the question, “Is this person right for me?”

Know Yourself First

Before you can consider who might be right for you, you need to know yourself well. To learn more about yourself, answer the following questions:

What are my strengths? …………………………

What are my weaknesses or vulnerabilities? …………………………

What emotional and spiritual needs do I have? …………………………

Getting to know yourself is no small task, but questions like those above can get you started. The more you understand yourself, the better equipped you will be to find someone who will amplify your strengths rather than your weaknesses. What if you think you’ve found that person?

Will Just Anyone Do?

“Can I get to know you better?” That question will make you either cringe or leap for joy—depending on who’s asking. Suppose you answer yes. Over the course of time, how can you tell if your boyfriend or girlfriend is right for you?

Suppose you want to buy a new pair of shoes. You go to the store and find a pair that catches your eye. You try on the shoes, only to find that—much to your disappointment—they’re too tight. What would you do? Buy the shoes anyway? Or look for a different pair? Clearly, the better choice is to put the shoes back and look for others. It would make little sense to walk around in a pair of shoes that just didn’t fit!

It’s similar with choosing a marriage partner. Over time, more than a few members of the opposite sex may catch your eye. But not just anyone will do. After all, you want someone you’ll be comfortable with—someone who truly fits your personality and your goals. (Genesis 2:18; Matthew 19:4-6) Have you found such a person? If so, how can you tell if that one is right for you?

Looking Beyond the Surface

To answer that last question, look at your friend objectively. Be careful, though! You might be inclined to see only what you want to see. So take your time. Try to perceive your friend’s true nature. This will take effort on your part. But that’s only to be expected. To illustrate: Imagine that you want to purchase a car. How thoroughly would you research it? Would you be concerned only about the outer appearance? Wouldn’t it make sense to look deeper—perhaps learning as much as you could about the condition of the engine?

Finding a mate is a much weightier issue than choosing a car. Yet, many who date don’t look beyond the surface. Instead, they quickly point to the things they have in common: ‘We like the same music.’ ‘We enjoy the same activities.’ ‘We agree on everything!’ As mentioned earlier, though, if you’re truly past the bloom of youth, you look beyond superficial traits. You see the need to discern “the secret person of the heart.”—1Peter 3:4; Ephesians 3:16.

For example, rather than focus on how much you agree on things, it might be more revealing to note what happens when you disagree. In other words, how does this person handle conflict—by insisting on his or her way, perhaps giving in to “fits of anger” or “abusive speech”? (Galatians 5:19, 20; Colossians 3:8) Or does this person show reasonableness—a willingness to yield for the sake of peace when no issue of right or wrong is at stake?—James 3:17.

Another factor to consider: Is the person manipulative, possessive, or jealous? Does he or she demand to know your every move? “I hear of dating couples who fight because one person can’t stand that the other hasn’t constantly ‘checked in,’” says Nicole. “I think that’s a bad sign.”—1Corinthians 13:4.

Issues such as those raised above focus on personality and conduct. However, it’s just as important to learn something of your friend’s reputation. How is that one viewed by others? You may want to talk to those who have known this person for some time, such as mature ones in the congregation. That way you will know if he or she is “well reported on.”—Acts 16:1,2.

It might be revealing to jot down your personal observations as to how your friend measures up in the areas discussed so far.

Personality …………………………

Conduct …………………………

Reputation …………………………

You will also benefit by consulting the box “Would He Make a Good Husband for Me?” on page39 or “Would She Make a Good Wife for Me?” on page40. The questions raised will help you determine if your friend would make a suitable marriage partner.

What if after considering the matter, you conclude that this person may not be right for you? In that case, you’re faced with the serious question:

Should We Break Up?

Sometimes a breakup is a blessing. Consider the experience of Jill. “At first,” she says, “I was flattered that my boyfriend was always worrying about where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with. But it got to the point where I couldn’t spend time with anyone but him. He even got jealous when I spent time with my family—especially my father. When I ended the relationship, I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders!”

Sarah had a similar experience. She began to notice that John, the young man she was dating, was sarcastic, demanding, and rude. “One time,” Sarah recalls, “he came to the door three hours late! He ignored my mother when she answered the door, and then he said: ‘Let’s go. We’re late.’ Not ‘I’m late,’ but ‘We’re late.’ He should have apologized or explained himself. Most of all, he should have shown my mother respect!” Of course, a single disappointing act or trait doesn’t necessarily doom a relationship. (Psalm 130:3) But when Sarah realized that John’s rudeness was a pattern rather than an isolated incident, she decided to end the relationship.

What if, like Jill and Sarah, you determine that the person you’re dating wouldn’t make a suitable marriage partner? In that case, do not ignore your feelings! Hard as it is to accept, it might be best to end the relationship. Proverbs 22:3 says: “Shrewd is the one that has seen the calamity and proceeds to conceal himself.” If, for example, your friend exhibits one or more of the danger signs found on pages39 and 40, it would be best to end the relationship—at least until the problem is corrected. True, breaking up may not be easy. But marriage is a permanent bond. It’s better to live with short-term pain now than suffer with lifelong regret later!

Breaking the News

How should you go about breaking up? First, choose a proper setting for the discussion. What could that be? Well, think how you would like to be treated in such a situation. (Matthew 7:12) Would you want the announcement to be made in front of others? Likely not. Unless circumstances make it advisable, it would be best not to terminate a relationship by means of a telephone answering machine, a text message, or an e-mail. Instead, choose a time and place that will enable you to discuss this serious matter.

What should you say when the time comes to speak up? The apostle Paul urged Christians to “speak truth” with one another. (Ephesians 4:25) The best course, then, is to be tactful yet firm. State clearly why you feel that this relationship won’t work for you. You don’t need to recite a laundry list of faults or let loose with a barrage of criticism. In fact, instead of saying, “You don’t” do this or “You never” do that, it would be better to use phrases that focus on how you feel—“I need a person who...” or “I feel that this relationship should end because...”

This is no time to be wishy-washy or to yield to another’s opinion. Remember, you have chosen to break up for a serious reason. So be cautious if your friend attempts to change your mind through subtle forms of manipulation. “After I ended the relationship,” says a young woman named Lori, “my ex-boyfriend started acting depressed all the time. I think he did it to make me feel sorry for him. I did feel bad. But I didn’t allow his reaction to alter my decision.” Like Lori, know your own mind. Stick to your decision. Let your no mean no.—James 5:12.

Aftermath of a Breakup

Don’t be surprised if you’re deeply upset for a time after the breakup. You might even feel like the psalmist who said: “I have become disconcerted, I have bowed low to an extreme degree; all day long I have walked about sad.” (Psalm 38:6) Some well-intentioned friends may try to help by encouraging you to give the relationship another chance. Be careful! You will have to live with your decision—not your well-meaning friends. So don’t be afraid to remain firm—even though you may feel sad about what’s happened.

Be assured that, eventually, your painful feelings will pass. In the meantime, why not take positive steps, such as the following, to cope with the situation?

Express your feelings to a trusted confidant. (Proverbs 15:22) Pray to Jehovah about the matter. (Psalm 55:22) Keep busy. (1Corinthians 15:58) Don’t become a loner! (Proverbs 18:1) Get right back into group association with those who will upbuild you. Strive to keep your mind on things that are positive.—Philippians 4:8.

In time, you may well find a new friend. No doubt you will do so with an even more balanced outlook. Perhaps this time your answer to the question “Is this person right for me?” will be yes!

READ MORE ABOUT THIS TOPIC IN VOLUME 1, CHAPTER 31

IN OUR NEXT CHAPTER

Once you are dating, where should you draw the line when it comes to expressing your affection for each other?

[Footnotes]

You can learn even more about yourself by considering the questions in Chapter1 following the subheading “Are You Ready to Get Married?”

Your parents or other adults, such as Christian elders, can help. You might even find that they went through similar painful experiences when they were young.

KEY SCRIPTURE

“Even by his practices a boy makes himself recognized as to whether his activity is pure and upright.”—Proverbs 20:11.

TIP

Engage in activities that reveal personal qualities:

● Study God’s Word together.

● Observe each other participating at congregation meetings and in the ministry.

● Participate in Kingdom Hall cleaning and in building projects.

DID YOU KNOW...?

Research consistently shows that marriages between people of different religions are much more likely to end in divorce.

ACTION PLAN!

If I am attracted to an unbeliever, I will …………………………

To find out about the reputation of the person I’m dating, I can …………………………

What I would like to ask my parent(s) about this subject is …………………………

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

● What positive qualities would you bring into a marriage relationship?

● What vital qualities would you look for in a marriage partner?

● What complex issues could arise if you were to marry someone who didn’t share your faith?

● In what ways could you learn of the character, conduct, and reputation of someone you’re dating?

[Blurb on page37]

“The way your friend treats his or her own family is the way he or she will treat you.”—Tony

[Box on page34]

“Do Not Become Unevenly Yoked”

“Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers.” That Bible principle, found at 2Corinthians 6:14, likely makes sense to you. Still, you might find yourself drawn to an unbeliever. Why? Sometimes it’s just physical attraction. “I would always see this girl in gym class,” says a boy named Mark. “She would go out of her way to come up and talk to me. It was not hard for a friendship to develop.”

If you know yourself and have confidence in your spiritual values—and if you’re mature enough not to be ruled by your feelings—you’ll know what you should do. Really, this person—no matter how attractive, charming, or seemingly virtuous—will not enhance your friendship with God.—James 4:4.

Of course, if a romance has developed, ending it won’t be easy—something that a girl named Cindy found out. “I cried every day,” she says. “I thought about the boy constantly, even during Christian meetings. I loved him so much that I thought I would rather die than lose him.” Soon, though, Cindy saw the wisdom of her mother’s counsel against dating an unbeliever. “It’s good that I broke up with him,” she says. “I have every confidence that Jehovah will provide for my needs.”

Are you in a situation similar to that of Cindy? If so, you don’t have to deal with it alone! You could talk to your parents. That’s what Jim did when he found himself infatuated with a girl at school. “I finally asked my parents for help,” he says. “This was a key to my overcoming these feelings.” Congregation elders can also assist you. Why not talk to one of them about what you’re going through?—Isaiah 32:1,2.

[Box/Picture on page39]

Worksheet

Would He Make a Good Husband for Me?

Character Basics

□ How does he handle any authority he may have?—Matthew 20:25,26.

□ What are his goals?—1Timothy 4:15.

□ Is he now working toward those goals?—1Corinthians 9:26,27.

□ How does he treat his family?—Exodus 20:12.

□ Who are his friends?—Proverbs 13:20.

□ What does he talk about?—Luke 6:45.

□ What is his attitude toward money?—Hebrews 13:5,6.

□ What type of entertainment does he enjoy?—Psalm 97:10.

□ How does he demonstrate his love for Jehovah?—1John 5:3.

Assets

□ Is he industrious?—Proverbs 6:9-11.

□ Is he financially responsible?—Luke 14:28.

□ Is he well reported on?—Acts 16:1,2.

□ Is he considerate of others?—Philippians 2:4.

Danger Signs

□ Is he disposed to anger?—Proverbs 22:24.

□ Does he try to involve you in sexual misconduct?—Galatians 5:19.

□ Is he physically or verbally abusive?—Ephesians 4:31.

□ Does he need to use alcohol to have a good time?—Proverbs 20:1.

□ Is he jealous and self-centered?—1Corinthians 13:4,5.

[Box/Picture on page40]

Worksheet

Would She Make a Good Wife for Me?

Character Basics

□ How does she show submissiveness in the family and the congregation?—Ephesians 5:21,22.

□ How does she treat her family?—Exodus 20:12.

□ Who are her friends?—Proverbs 13:20.

□ What does she talk about?—Luke 6:45.

□ What is her attitude toward money?—1John 2:15-17.

□ What are her goals?—1Timothy 4:15.

□ Is she now working toward those goals?—1Corinthians 9:26,27.

□ What type of entertainment does she enjoy?—Psalm 97:10.

□ How does she demonstrate her love for Jehovah?—1John 5:3.

Assets

□ Is she industrious?—Proverbs 31:17, 19, 21, 22,27.

□ Is she financially responsible?—Proverbs 31:16,18.

□ Is she well reported on?—Ruth 3:11.

□ Is she considerate of others?—Proverbs 31:20.

Danger Signs

□ Is she contentious?—Proverbs 21:19.

□ Does she try to involve you in sexual misconduct?—Galatians 5:19.

□ Is she verbally or physically abusive?—Ephesians 4:31.

□ Does she need to use alcohol to have a good time?—Proverbs 20:1.

□ Is she jealous and self-centered?—1Corinthians 13:4,5.

[Picture on page30]

Not just any size shoe will fit; similarly, not just anyone will make a good partner

[Picture on page31]

Do you think it’s important to look beyond outward appearance when choosing a car? How much more so when choosing a marriage mate!

Linda - posted on 09/15/2009

I'm sorry.But I think you might Question your decision on a 13 year old dating Let alone with a 16 year old.I dated when I was 13 and the boy was 17.It is not the best situation .I was pregnant at the age of 14.Looking back I realize now that I was not ready for dating.I may have look like I was EIGHTEEN,but I was 13 Still a kid.

Tamara - posted on 09/14/2009

Going to be bluntly honest and don't take this the wrong way but I've got a nearly 18 year old son who has been sexually active since he was 15 years old. He is a boy. We've had plenty of parental discussions about sex and responsibilities, etc. He carries a condom at all times and is routinely tested for HIV, Hepatitis, etc. However I've learned once a boy has done it, there is no stopping that drive for more. He talks about this openly with his doctor.

Now I personally wouldn't allow a 13 year old child to date a sexually active teenage boy. I said it previous post and I'll say it again.. I say this is where holding leads to touching, touching leads to kissing, kissing leads to more touching, more touching leads to babies and how did we get here.

Rules and boundaries would best be served by saying you will wait until my daughter is at least 15 years old before I will allow you to have a relationship with her. If he cares for her, he'll respect that.

Melia - posted on 09/14/2009

Quoting robyn:

teenage girls and dating older boys

my 13 year old is seeing a 16 year old boy he seems ok but in his last relationship he got her pregnant they lost the baby. have set rules and boundries but would love to now anything else to do.

           I too have13 year old girl and insists that she is dating but thank you God her dating consists of hanging with the crowd.  I have yet to encounter her "dating an older boy".   And we have talked about real dating  and she agrees  it would not be a good idea until shes 16.  I can only hope this agreement will last   We have quite the  generation gap I am 40 years older than she, but when it comes to mom she has my back.      

Adella - posted on 09/14/2009

Talk. Communicate all the time with her. 13 is way too young to be dating, especially a sexually active 16 yr. old boy. No amount of talking about abstaining from sex is going to protect your daughter. If you allow her to continue seeing this boy, you should get her on birth control. Because no matter how many rules and restrictions you lay down, you still run the risk of her getting pregnant. Teenagers are very sneaky, where theres a will theres a way. Especially when it comes to a hormonal boy.

Even going out in a group is not safe. I would say no going out alone or in groups.

No being in the bedroom alone, not even with the door open (my best friends daughter lost her virginity this way, with her mom in the kitchen making dinner).

If anything make the tightest strictest rules you can.

I have a daughter I feel for you. Good luck. :)

Eronne - posted on 09/13/2009

whoa!!! 13 and 16 are years apart...stop them now. I wish my mom had stopped me. I had a one year rule with my daughter until she turned 17. It was hard to enforce but in the end she is the first to say thank you. Try to explain to her how much she gives up by not have age appropriate activities. With a 16 year old boyfriend cars, sex and drinking could be part of the game.

Serena - posted on 09/13/2009

I think you are already doing everything you can.If you forbid her to see him you will damage the relationship you have worked so hard to build and give her no choice but to sneak around. I had a friend in school whose parents were very strict and would not allow their girls to date. Every one of those girls lied and skipped school.2 of them ran away.None of them finished school and they all got pregnant very young.
I would try to be very involved. If they feel as though they can trust you they will be more likely to talk to you about the bigger stuff.
Teenagers are so hard.
I sometimes wish I would have just got a fish.

Retta - posted on 09/13/2009

Quoting Angie:

Wow, 13 is awfully young to date. My children don't date until they're 15 (and only in groups), they can date alone at 16. In fact, my 16 year old son is intersted in a girl now but she's only 15 and her parents won't let her date until she turns 16 in October. My son respects her parents for this rule, and so do my husband and I. Keep us posted, this is a tough situation.

We have the same rule in our house. My daughter didn't like it but respected it. Really...13 is to young to be "dating"...or seeing anyone...they don't know who they are yet.

Rene - posted on 09/10/2009

First you have to ask yourself what does a 16 year old boy have in common with a 13 year old girl? I'm guessing at 13 she's in middle school and he's in high school. They should be in 2 totally different places in their lives. 13 is too young to have a boyfriend any older than she is. Once she gets into high school it will be a different situation but until then I would not allow it.

Denisse - posted on 09/10/2009

Quoting robyn:

my daugther does have boundries thank you!!!!!!! is in grade 9 i was not a teenage mum. even though the boy has made mistakes in past who is 2 say he hasnt learnt from it.my daughter is very mature for her age but in saying that not ready for sex .just wanted addvice on how to handle it.my daughter is very open with me and i would like 2 keep it that way thankyou

I understand where you are coming from.. My daughter last yr at 13 was dating a 15 and then turned 16 yr old boy.. I was so uncomfortable but at the same time I wasn't cuz there was never alone time. I talked to them both and made him understand that him dating my daughter.. there were going to be rules.. They never had dates where they went out alone.. if they wanted to go to the movies... guess who was going to? her stepdad and me... My daughter is very open w/ me to and that helps a lot.. I don't hide nothing from her.. we talk about sex, drugs, mixed emotions.. and everything else. Trust me I was very happy when that ended.. but it's hard to just tell your daughter "No u can't date him" cuz then what happens? They will do it behind your back and thats worst. I say .. Just keep that open communication.. always ask about whats going on between them? Ask if he is pressuring her to have sex since he has been down that path already? We can be there friend and be a Mom to.. Its hard but we can do it. Good luck Girl! 

Lisa - posted on 09/10/2009

First thing she is too young to be dating anyone. My daughter will be 15 in november and i told her even then if she goes out on a date it will be supervised. I do however let her talk to boys on the phone but that's the extent of it. I agree with Shelly Burton on here. Put your foot down and set some boundries. I have done that with my daughter and she respects this because she knows there will be consequences if she doesn't obey my wishes. I would rather have her mad at me for a little while then end up pregnant and having to help her take care of it for a longer period of time. All kids need boundaries or they will get theirselves in trouble.

Diane - posted on 09/08/2009

First remember you're the parent not her best friend (that will come after she becomes adult) For now you are your child's best advocate! I know at 13 she thinks she "knows" who she "loves" but, it's up to you to help her weed out the losers. One thing I always told my daughter (and I got this from another mom) The guys you date in high school (notice I said high school) are the ones to help you figure out what you do and don't like in a guy. You pick out the good qualities and use them as a guide to find a husband when you are OLDER. If this doesn't impress her and, it probably won't fine. If she is going to insist on seeing this 16 year old, 1) lay down the law, let this boy know that HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOUR DAUGHTER 2) Talk to his parents, yes, his parents..they probably aren't very happy about the situation either. 3) NO DATING: they can "hang out" at your home, when parents are present. If this makes him uncomfortable...GOOD. Hang in there you are not alone. My daughter's first high school boy friend was a rough kid. He hung out at our house from time to time. I even insisted he go to church with us because church is a part of our lives. It lasted about 3 (long) months. But, she has moved on.

Tanya - posted on 09/07/2009

Doesn't it sound crazy when we are saying my 13 yr old , my 15 yr old. Man it's so scary!

Of course things have changed in the laws making us almost weak and vulnerable to our children and out of fear somewhere along the way it has pushed us into being friends instead of parent's. (not there's anything wrong with this),but back in the day it would of been you are not allowed and that's it. Now it's choices and consequences Blaa Blaa.

Maybe taking the boy out of the picture would be hard, but more on the safe side or letting him and her know an age that would work out better? Just remember we all started out good girls. Boys and hormones are persuasive.

It's hard and it hurts, but tough love may have to pull this through. I know this seems like hard work in our busy lives as when we ground are kids or set limits it sets limits for us, but good news you only have 5yrs to go before her actions are souly hers. There is a brite side. God bless. Hope all works out.

Lea Anne - posted on 09/07/2009

you are in a pickle, i was teenage mother from a older man relationship, and the more my father tried to stop it the more i chased it she will see him even if you try to stop her so my advice to you is to not give them the chance to do the things you don't want them to do he can come over and watch a movie but he stays in the family room and when you say goodnight so does he teenagers will find a way but just don't make it easy on them, remember KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE BUT YOUR ENIMIES CLOSER. he is definatly the enimey sorry for the spelling lol

Cindy - posted on 09/06/2009

OMG! I am so sorry for you and what you are going through. I know that it is so easy to sit back and say what you would do in this situation, but i know one thing that I would be doing for sure is taking my daughter to the doctor and having her put on the depo provera shot. That way I know for sure that she would be protected from pregnancy if nothing else. Next, I would talk to the parents of the boy and see if they know what is going on. Just stick to your guns and make her abide by your rules. She may not like it, but eventually, she will understand that rules are in place for a reason. Adn hopefully in the mean time, she will get over this boy and then you can help her choose someone a little closer to her own age.

Valerie - posted on 09/02/2009

Please, stop and think what you are allowing, think about the future. We were in the same situation when our daughter was younger (now 17), and with a brother 2 years older, you could see the hormones flying when friends were over. To make a long story short we are now dealing with a 17 yr daughter, who has been seeing a 23 yr old jerk (lied about his age) for about 6 months. Yes, we thought she was more mature and responsible for her age,an honor student, competitive figure skater & skating coach (at 16), but all hell hit the fan when she graduated in June (smart, yes, she did grade 11 & 12 in one year). She got a good full time job right away,at the beginning of July, and has now decided she is going to move out of a supportive, loving home, to live with and support this 23 yr old jerk who works part time, at min. wage, and can't afford his own place. His mommy moved Sept 1 and informed him there was no room for him. So, our 17 yr old daughter now feels responsible for him (she told his mommy, they would be okay), and has got this stupid idea in her head. We are still hoping she comes to her senses (we thought she was smart). So, please consider letting a 13 yr old (ours didn't start till 14 1/2) start dating/seeing a older boy, Think about when 14, 15, 16 comes along, where do you draw the line. So sorry we didn't draw the line, we might not be going through all this heart ache now. To see our 17 yr old throw her future and life away for this guy, who does not have a work ethic and wants someone like his mommy to look after him. Our daughter is his victim.

Jennifer - posted on 09/01/2009

Robyn I have no doubts you are trying to do what is right for your daughter. You love her, support her and want her to know you are always there for her.



What I am about to say - I don't know you and I do not know what kind of parent you are - I can tell you care and that says A LOT.



I have seen so many parents - especially Moms who want so badly to be friends with thier daughters that they forget to be the parent first.



I agree with the others that a 13 yr old does not need to be dating regardless of how mature she seems. Developmentally they are just not ready for all that goes a long with dating. It is hard for a 16 yr old to deal with it - heck it is hard for a 35 yr old to deal with it. ;)



There was a short period of time when I was too permissive with my 13 yr old. She started to hang out with a group of kids that were not the best influence on her. One day when she was in school I got on the laptop she had been using and noticed she had not logged out of yahoo messenger. The conversation I saw made my blood run cold.



I am not going to go into details out of respect for my daughter - but it was enough to wake me up. I called my husband at work - he left immediately and went to her school and pulled her out. (We wanted to make quite the impression on her - and we did).



We sat her down and went over the conversations I had read and when she admitted to some of the issues we had - well she was grounded for 3 months.



I told her that we were very saddened by the choices she made. We had trusted her and her behavior broke that trust and now she was going to have to work very hard to get it back. She was no longer allowed to go anywhere without us but school and dance classes. She lost her cell phone, internet on her computer, regular house phone and basically all contact with friends outside of school and dance.



She hated me with a passion for a few weeks. It about killed me. I cried. I felt so guilty - but I did not give in. In my heart I knew what I was doing was right - and best for her.



After about 6 weeks - I will never forget this... I took her to school like I normally would each morning. She stepped out of the car and instead of just glaring at me and walking off she half turned and very subtly lifted her fingers and waved good-bye to me. It was at that very moment that I knew - I had her back and we were going to be OK.



She still have to deal with being grounded and after that she slowly EARNED things back like her cell phone, internet and finally being able to go places with friends.



I thought I was doing her a favor by letting her go out and be young and free and having fun. But I was letting her to TOO MUCH- and TOO SOON. I am so thankful I caught MY mistake in time before anything serious came of it.



We all all Moms - and we all do the best we can - but sometimes even the very best of Moms will make mistakes and that is when we have to back up and re-evaluate what we are doing and make the needed changes.



Good luck - being a Mom is hard - being the Mom of a 13 yr old is REALLY hard.



Putting your foot down and saying NO - that is not approperiate for you at the age you are now is not fun for either of you - but we have to do what we have to do in order to protect our children from growing up too fast - or getting in over thier heads. After all - they are still CHILDREN at 13, 15, 17 and they just are not able to see the big picture like we can.



hugs

Kimberly - posted on 08/29/2009

Hi Robyn,

I have a 15, almost 16 year old dauqhter. Thouqht of sex almost makes me sick. But, I like to think that I raised her riqht and that she would know the consequences of her actions. The best thinq that I can say to you is make sure that she knows how difficult her life would be, and insist on family dinners. My dauqhters boyfriends have to sit throuqh dinners, and if they can't hanq with us, they are qone, by her,not by us. Always keep communication open with your dauqhter, even thouqh sometimes it can be very hard. And qo with your qut, you know best. Don't let the other comments make you feel like shit, cause that what I qot from them. No ones knows your life. Keep us posted. Best of luck!

Leslie - posted on 08/28/2009

just say NO! the relationship is not appropriate. she will hate you now, but it's the right thing to do. it might get harder before it get easier, but work the trouble!

Jenn - posted on 08/28/2009

Regarding your original post, I don't think there is much else to do. Yes, I do agree that 13 is a bit young to be dating but lets face it, even if you said no and forbid her to see him, she's going to find ways to do it behind your back so best to let her and set the boundaries and stick to them with concesquences for breaking them. Be open with her and talk to her as much as you can about sex and all that comes with it and trust her to make the right decisions. My daughter is 12 and I'm very open with her about everything and hope that one day when she THINKS she's ready for sex, she'll talk to me first.

Shelly - posted on 08/27/2009

Ok.. where to start... #1 I have never met a 13 year old girl mature for her age or not that is ready for dating and relationships and the drama that comes along with it. not at 13 anyway... #2 My best friends daughter was allowed to have boys over at 13, a couple of her boyfriends moved into their home when she was 14... She was "mature for her age too" these boys have now been accused of rape because the girl was so young and they were 16-17 and older. YES it was the parents fault but they wanted to be One of the Cool parents club members. #3. If she has her mind on boys at 13 (able to date) then what does that leave for her to look forward to? I mean at 13 come on??? Maybe are you using the wrong wording here do you mean Hangin out with a group?? The boy at age 16 surely has girls his own age to date right... what is the appeal of dating such a young girl? #4. Back to my friends daughter... she has been with several boys, SEVERAL, mind you she is a great girl very smart and open with everything... she has a baby who is 1 1/2 not sure who dad is, (because she was hanging out with friends) she is expecting her second baby in Dec... she has an 8th grade education..now is dating a boy who is 23 yes it is his baby... (SHE IS A GREAT GIRL I AM NOT TRYING TO IMPLY ANYTHING BUT I LOVE HER LIKE MY OWN ! But this is not a life i want for anyone ..she has cervical cancer now so this is suppose to be the last baby .. # 5 She is turning 16 in Sept.. #6.She has been bullied, she had striaght A student she won a merit award for writing, she has very few friends, she has no free time... SHE IS AN AWESOME MOTHER her daughter is very well taken care of ut this is not a life i would want for any child. #& Personally i think parents should be investigated by DFS for neglect if their teen girl gets pregnant. I may eat my word someday I have 3 daughters...



I understand what you are saying but please by wise, how old was the other girl that got pregnat? Can you imagine the pain she has mentally...losing her boyfriend, her virginity and a baby? MORE than a 13 year should have to deal with..



Thank you for letting us wiegh in on your problem.. Please know we do care and understand your issues, i hope you consider this... GOOD LUCK

Bernadine - posted on 08/27/2009

Quoting robyn:

my daugther does have boundries thank you!!!!!!! is in grade 9 i was not a teenage mum. even though the boy has made mistakes in past who is 2 say he hasnt learnt from it.my daughter is very mature for her age but in saying that not ready for sex .just wanted addvice on how to handle it.my daughter is very open with me and i would like 2 keep it that way thankyou

I have a 14y/o daughter who is dating a 17y/o. Initally we about freaked and yes, I did tell him that if he ruins my daughter's future I will own his. But after getting to know him we decided that she could 'date' but only at home with parents or group outting during the day. Both his parents and we agree in supervising. At school, where they met, it was harder to monitor. He respects our wishes and shows a lot of respect to her. We too are very open with our girls (2) and talk about the challenges that await them. I also stress that if either one feels uncomfortable they can use me as an excuse and I will gladly be the bad guy when she decides says "My Mom will kill us!"

Juli - posted on 08/18/2009

Hi Robyn!

It's hard being a teenager, but not as challenging as it is being their parents, is it?!

I think that sometimes the good instincts our kids have can be overruled by the peer group pressures. Meaning that sometimes our kids don't want to do stuff but feel pressured by their friends, etc. My kids both know that they can use Me as an excuse... as in "I can't do THAT, my Mom would freak!"(or ground me or "kill" me or whatever!)

Last year my son was dating a nice girl whose parents wanted him to spend the night on weekends(we live in a rural area with long commutes) and he told them that he couldn't because we had church on Sunday and that it's his parents' family policy that we always go to church on Sunday.

Sometimes it's hard for kids to say no and save face, so they can always "blame us" for things they know they should not or do not want to do... lol

We do not mind being the "bad guys".

I don't know your situation, but your daughter might be secretly wishing you would forbid her so she can get out of a situation. Don't expect a teen to admit it but they are relieved that parents care enough to keep them from making big mistakes- even if they won't admit it now, down the road they do appreciate it...

Linda - posted on 08/18/2009

16 is the age I gave my daughter and grandkids that they could have boyfriend,girlfriend,not before. Its ok to have friends but not going out friends of the other sex. I guess it worked somewhat. But you never really know for sure. Tell them that the desission making part of there brain does not fully develope until past the age of 23 or so. Pregnant or father is not exceptable. Not for a teenager. To much acceptance in this world today. God didn't mean it to be this way. Husband and Wife or no sex, but the media , government, and society have made it what it is. Also the fear of AIDs and STD's doesn't matter to these kids and adults today. I would be scared to death myself to be out there. I told my daughter and grandaught, a guy will tell you anything to get what he wants. then he is gone with the wind. You just can't be friends with a teenager, and there parent too.

Kristin - posted on 08/18/2009

Robyn. Good luck with this all. It is not easy being a parent and you do the best you can do and hope for the best. I have to agree with most of the other parents that I would simply tell her that she can not date. I have a 13 and 14 year old and even though a few kids in their grade have begun having sex, the majority has not. If your daughter is saying most of her friends have had sex then either it is rumors or bragging about stuff that hasn't happened or your daughter needs a better group of friends. But since you are allowing this relationship and I do understand that you don't want your daughter sneaking around and they will see each other every day at school anyway I would set some boundaries and do lots and lots of talking. First, It should be dating - not just hanging around. Let him come to your house for dinners or a movie at night but only when you are home and can keep checking on them. Movie has to be in a family room (no bedroom) or he needs to take her out and treat her special. Take her to a school function, movie or bowling, etc. and you will be the transportation. This way you are allowing her to see him but they will never be alone. Most teen sex happens after school when no parents are home or lets face it - the back seat of a car. So make this your compromise and tell her if they get caught sneaking around then they are both disrespecting you and your wishes and you will not allow her to date him. he always needs to be respectful of her and her parents. On a side note however, keep talking about sex, waiting, how she will feel emotionally when it doesn't work out which at their age it will eventually end, her future and what she wants and then don't be embarressed to teach her about condoms and how to use them. Good luck. Oh and another thing - tell her school is always #1 - so if this relationship or any relationship interfers with her grades and they slip then it will be over. May give her incentive to continue to do good in school.

Robyn - posted on 08/18/2009

thankyou it is hard and my daughter is doing well at school and hopefully she will succeed in all her dreams and as her mum i can only advise n teach her right from wrong but i can not decide her life for her thankyou for your addvice

Tammy - posted on 08/18/2009

Yea it is really hard...my son is 18. I trust him too but not his libido. Just want him educated before he has anymore responsibility. Good luck, it is really challenging raising kids today.

Robyn - posted on 08/18/2009

most young peolpe her age are already experiencing sex iam just trying to help her go the right way most of her friends r n most of them r younger but at least i konw she will come 2 me by the way my daughter has adhd anxiety n eating disorder she has almost been hospitlalised three times so iam very over protective but at the same time the world has changed lots n am just trying to be the best mum for her lol

Tammy - posted on 08/18/2009

I am sure you trust your daughter....but you are making her endure undue pressure. You remember those days of lust, feeling wanted and needing to have that urge released. She has no experience with those feelings and it is hard to resist those gutteral urges. Don't make her be the one to say no..cause her body will probably say yes. You say no for her now. This boy has already had sex. Do you really think he is gonna stop those urges in the company of you beautiful daughter? Help her now even if she will be mad at you.

Robyn - posted on 08/17/2009

my daugther does have boundries thank you!!!!!!! is in grade 9 i was not a teenage mum. even though the boy has made mistakes in past who is 2 say he hasnt learnt from it.my daughter is very mature for her age but in saying that not ready for sex .just wanted addvice on how to handle it.my daughter is very open with me and i would like 2 keep it that way thankyou

Rhiannon - posted on 08/17/2009

Wow, although I am not young anymore, I was like your daughter and dated an older guy, I ended up with two kids, (15 & 14, now). And if I could do it over again, I would. I agree with the other mothers. My children are not dating, and won't start dating until at least 16, anything before that, they wouldn't be able to handle the emotions that accompany dating, and at such a young age, they don't think about becoming sexually active until it's too late, and the std's that are out there. It's scarey. Teenagers really don't think about stuff like that, I know I didn't at that age. Put down the law, and do all that you can to help her see that she is young, and she should be worrying about school, and getting ready for high school...another BIG challenge. What ever mistakes, we as parents have made in our youth, or possibly still making, DOES NOT give our children an excuse to make the same mistakes. We have to remember that we are the parents, and as such, we are responsible for them. My kids tried to use that excuse on me, and I quickly set them right in that regard. I hope the best for you. Keep us posted!

Angie - posted on 08/17/2009

Wow, 13 is awfully young to date. My children don't date until they're 15 (and only in groups), they can date alone at 16. In fact, my 16 year old son is intersted in a girl now but she's only 15 and her parents won't let her date until she turns 16 in October. My son respects her parents for this rule, and so do my husband and I. Keep us posted, this is a tough situation.

Shelly - posted on 08/17/2009

BIG BOUNDIES..One she doesn't need to be dating at 13 not even group dates. And if this boy has already gotten a girl pregnant why would you want that for your daughter??? You just need to lay down the law and the punishment for breaking it and be consistant on the punishment when she chooses to break the rules. I'm sure that you don't want your daughter to have to go through the heart break of teen pregnancey!!! We as mom's really try to the best we can and some times we're right on the mark and other times we miss it completely b/c we don't want to piss our children off, well sweety this is one worth pissing her off!!! I would have a talk with her about respecting herself enough to want more for her life than being a mom at such a young age...I will keep you in my prayers Please let us know how it's going...