Teenage girls and thier friendships that could be harmful

Wendy - posted on 07/31/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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How do you know when its time to cut the ties and let your daughter duke out her own issues with her friends that just keep treating her like crap? My daughter notoriously finds herself in friendships with girls that are just verbally abusive to her, they say mean things to her or about her all the time and yet she still wants to be friends with them? I just dont understand that. She is a very bright, outgoing girl that could have pick of any friends, yet she finds the bad ones. She also chooses friends that are "older " than her, not really by years, but by experiences and she is still fairly innocent and I would like for her to stay that way a bit longer. How do you talk to them and make them understand that those decisions regarding her friends arent necessarily the best ones? I dont want to make her think I wont allow her to be friends with these kids, but want her to see that there are better relationships out there to be had.

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Regina - posted on 08/04/2009

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Wow my daughter is the same way and honestly I think it is just a something they have to learn. I do talk to my daughter all the time too but sometimes they have to learn on their own. I would always give her advice and she would still go back to those friends who treated her like crap and she is finally realizing that they are not true friends at all. There has been a lot of hurt and tears but in the end they do make the right decision. Just be there for her when she does realize they she doesn't need friends like that b/c she will discover it, it just takes time. My daughter is the same way and I wish they knew how to stand up for themselves and now that summer is over she is starting to realize how her friends are. Just keep talking talking talking to her until you are blue in the face, that is what I am doing! Its soooo hard.

Colette - posted on 08/04/2009

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Is your daughter involved in some after-school activities that feed her interests? If so, that would often put her in with a better peer group for her. Sometimes the kids make choices based on the fact that they feel they don't fit in with the other group. My kids are artsy, so we have them in drama, etc. with other kids like them.

Wendy - posted on 08/04/2009

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Thank you Nichole, I do mention to my daugher all the time about her good qualities, and we talk ALL the time about the friends that I dont like and I also tell her the exact reasons why. My daughter is also bi-racial.Not that I have heard from her that she is experiencing any issues with that as of this far. She is going to be starting a new school in about 7 days, and I am just worried that no matter how many times I have talked to her about these things, she will fall prey to the same sorts of people she has been victim to at the larger school in town. (we bought a house and moved to the country) Her school that she will be attending is much smaller, the Superintendant said there are 15-20 kids in her whole grade. I am hoping this makes the jealousy and rivalry issues almost non existant with the girls. She also tends to be friends with the boys, which I am fine with, but that also gets the other girls jealous and mad, they say things like she is trying to steal their bf or whatever. she is just a tomboy,not a girlie girl, so she finds more things in common with the boys.

Nicole - posted on 08/03/2009

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Why not let her know that you don't want her to be their friends? I let my daughter know all the TIME why or why not I like her friends (and I give good valid reasons for my opinions). I have a 12 year old girl that is bi-racial and we live in an 95% all white community. The reason why I mention this is because before we moved here (for the EXCEPTIONAL school system) we started mentioning almost everyday how great she is, what type of people she would want to be her friend, how a friend should treat you, how to be proud of yourself when others might be insecure about your friendship, and how to live in a surrounding that might possibly try to put you down and ways to not let it. We talk about these things soooo much that she simply gravitated towards other kids that make her feel good about herself because she realizes that she doesn't need to do ANYTHING extra to be someones friend other than be herself. Many of the other girls in her school are going through the same thing as your daughter. It does suck! Instead of her focusing on fun kid stuff they are focused on superficial friendships and who is saying "this or that." Start telling her everyday how her unique qualities should be apprieciated and what a true friendship is all about and what should be expected from her friends and how she should be a friend to another person. Final note. My daughter has a good friend who started giving money to the popular kids - for lunch, etc - my daughter told him to stop doing this because these people were only using him and didn't know the real him, which is actually a great, generous person. THIS is the type of friends you want her to have! Good luck.

Wendy - posted on 08/03/2009

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I have wonderful friends that are very loyal, supportive, and kind. She sees my relationships with my friends and its a good role model for hers but she doesnt seem to "get" the structure of those friendships. I have talked numerous times with her about her friendships, I have told her that she doesnt HAVE to be friends with the cool people if they are going to treat her badly. I just think that its part of being a kid and she will have to learn from her mistakes, but I will be there to help with that as much as I can.

Shelly - posted on 07/31/2009

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Wendy,

You have the ammo for this it's called conversation...Talk to her let her know what it means to be a friend...What kind of friends do you have can you use them as examples or use yourself for an example...Please don't take that wrong about your friends I was just trying to make a point not making assumtions, And do you have any older children that you can use for examples like another sister or brother or a cousin??? If there is someone close in your life that you can use to show her what a real friend is that would be great...But the biggest thing is just talking to her building her self esteem and just love her and hug on her even if she trys to push you away...Good luck and let us know how it goes

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